People who write "burro" when they mean "burrow"...
... clearly don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
I accidentally sprayed body spray in my mouth.
Now I speak with an Axe scent.
A lot of people don’t realize that French fries aren’t cooked in France.
They’re cooked in Greece.
Teacher: “Please give me a sentence using these three words: defence, defeat, and detail.”
Student: "When a dog jumps over defence, defeat go first, then detail."
I saw an NSFW ad earlier
The man in the construction site didn't have his hard hat.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
A drunk man comes home late. His wife sees him and angrily exclaims, “Are you drunk again?!”The man shakes his head and answers, “No, I am not drunk!”
“Okay, then prove it. There’s a clock over there. Can you tell the time?”
“Of course I can!” says the man.
He turns toward the clock and screams, “Hey! I am not drunk!”
Hello all, selling used Parachutes...Lifetime Warranty:
If it doesn't work, just bring it back, we'll exchange it.
Why do we say “no pun intended” and not…
“That was pun-intentional”
I saw a NSFW ad not too long ago
What a cheeky commercial
Seventy percent of the earth’s surface is covered in water and none of it is carbonated
That’s proof that the earth is flat.
A person asked me, "Are you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?"
I replied "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the county".
I saw a group of kids throwing Scrabble tiles at each other.
It’s all fun and games until someone loses an I.
Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs.
It is also their biggest import.
A man turned to his friend and said he was scared of doing a conga line..The friend replied, "don't worry, I've got your back!"
(An original made up by my 7yo son)
I can't believe how hot it is today…
It's so hot that my garlic had to take its cloves off
For sale: Complete set of Encyclopaedia Brittanica
No longer required because my wife knows everything.
The old cowboy had such bad saddle sores…
…he had to move into ass-cysted living.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she'll let it go.
What does the Human Torch order at a Jamaican steakhouse?
Filet mon!
Today is my son’s 4th birthday. When he came out of his room this morning, I didn’t recognize him at first
It was as if I had never seen him be four
I answered the door this morning.A 6ft beetle punched me in the face and called me fat.
Police confirmed my story saying in fact "Yes...there is a nasty bug going around".
Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
Be advised that when you tour a cookie factory,
you'll be asked to sign a wafer.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mother carries a photo of only one of them in her wallet.
I guess if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.
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