I was on a date with a woman who kept randomly interjecting our conversation with opinions. “They don’t make bedsheets like they used to.” “Quilting is boring.” “Duvet covers aren’t worth the money.”
Finally I said, “You’ve got to stop making blanket statements.”
Last night in bed, my girlfriend was mumbling about being born in 1892 and writing the Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings
I thought: 'she's Tolkien in her sleep again.'
40 years ago today, l asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most gorgeous woman l know to marry me.
All three said no
If you cut off your Left Arm...Your Right Arm will be left.
Edit: Corrected a typo
A clown held a door open for me.
I thought that was a nice jester.
Every fortune teller I've ever met is either incredibly depressing or way too enthusiastic.
Why is it so hard to find a happy medium?
What do call a pig that knows karate?
A pork chop
Why don’t elephants use computers?
They are afraid of the mouse
Fever is at the top of the list of worst symptoms for illness.
While constipation is a solid number two.
40 years ago today, l asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most gorgeous woman l know to marry me.
All three said no.
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his chef when he saw the vegetables were not prepped?
GET TO THE CHOPPER!
Really glad I’ve never contracted dysentery
That would be the shits.
Jed comes home from college for summer break
As Jed walks in the door, he asks his brother Zeke "Where's my cat?"
Zeke replies "Cat’s dead!"
Jed takes the news hard: "You can't just spring something like that on me! Couldn't you have broken it to me gently?"
"Like how?" Zeke asks.
"Lead up to it or something, like: 'Well, the cat ran out the back door, and then he got up on the roof, and we couldn't get him down...'."
"Gotcha" Zeke replies. "Sorry about that".
"That's ok" Jed says “Where's Dad?"
"Um… well, Dad ran out the back door, and then he got up on the roof..."
Why couldn’t the duck cross the road?
Because he got his foot stuck in a quack.
Breakfast SnakeMy 9 month old daughter was eating a banana this morning and was taking some seriously large bites. My wife said she looked like a snake unhinging its jaw. To which I said
"Shes a Bananaconda!"
I felt the collective eye roll from the entire household lol.
I couldn't decide whether I should get Eggos or just make my own.
I was waffling on the decision.
If a sugar daddy spoils you...If a sugar daddy spoils you, what does a salt daddy do?
Preserve you
Why did the math teacher only date integers?
He liked to keep his relationships discreet
What do you call a fake fish?
A de-koi
Why do sharks live in salt water?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
One of the key broke on my keyboard.
It uck.
How do you fit an elephant into a SafeWay bag?
You take the S out of "Safe" and the F out of Way.
I asked my son whats 2 minus 2
He said nothing
Gender explained with biblical characters
XY is Adam
XX is Eve
YYY is Delila.
I slept like a baby.
As in, I woke up crying every few hours.
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