As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....
"But you already own her home!"
I had to tell my patient I'd dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery.
I'll never forget the look on his elbow.
My wife was complaining that I never buy her flowers.
I didn’t even know she sold them.
The other day, someone ripped out the 5th month out of my calendar.
I'm dismayed.
Why did the 9V battery get kicked out of the group?
It was an AA meeting.
Most actors eat with a fork
but Reese Witherspoon.
A blonde was at the bar watching the 6:00 news when a guy was about to jump off a bridge. A guy saw her and said I’ll bet you $100 he jumps. She takes the bet. He jumps and the guy said I can’t take your money I saw it on the 5:00 news.
She hands him the $100 and says so did I, but I didn’t think he was going to do it again!
I was going to buy a kfc franchise
But I chickened out .
I do a lot of illegal things...
But graffiti is where I draw the line.
Why should you never rub avocados in your eyes?
Well, you could get guacoma.
In today's news, Little Red Riding Hood was found in critical condition.
Paramedics say she's stable at the moment, but she's not out of the woods yet.
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
What do you call a teacher that doesn’t fart in public.
A private tooter
The other night, I tried mixing Mexican alcohol with 20th century American literature.
I ended up with tequila mockingbird.
I'm not being condescending
I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
Did you hear they're thinking about terminating Ken Jennings' contract?
His career is in Jeopardy.
A cop asked me, "Do you know how fast you were going?"I told him, "I was just trying to keep up with traffic."
He looked around and said, "There is no traffic."
I replied, "That’s how far behind I am!".
I wanted to write a joke about restraining orders...
This is as close as I could get though
My pregnant girlfriend asked me to get us some milk
I refused to abandon her
What’s the name of that woman who keeps falling asleep again?
Ann Estesia
Where do Storm Troopers sit when they go to church?
The Pew, Pew, Pew…
I love going outdoors.
So much safer than going through windows.
The other day, I asked my friend if he knew the difference between in-laws and outlaws.
"Outlaws are wanted," he replied.
Anyone know any fish puns?
Let minnow!
My neighbor was fired for having sex with his patients...
It's too bad, he was one hell of a veterinarian.
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