Asked my wife if she knew that Bruce Lee had a brother who didn’t tolerate joking around. She rolled her eyes and said, “Seriously?”
I’m like, “Oh… you’ve heard of him!”
My wife said she's leaving me because of my Star Wars obsession
So I said: may divorce be with you.
[Classic] My wife was giving me the silent treatment after an argument in the car. She saw a field of cows and muttered, “your relatives?”
I said, “Yes.. in-laws.”
Why are cops always early?
So they can beat the crowd!
My eye doctor just informed me that I'm colorblind!!!
That news really came out of the purple for me.
Pirate Ship Captain: “I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?”
Crew: “I I Captain.”
A little boy ran up to me and said "please help, my Dad is in a fight". I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, "Ok, which one is your Dad"?
"I dunno, that's what they're fighting about".
Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up😆
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1, or 2? 1... Or 2?
Some food still on dad’s plate…Waiter: “You wanna box for that?”
Dad: “Nah, I’m not going to fight you for it.”
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?
Quatro cinco.
I’m writing a book about a French undercover spy.Whose name is Harry and his cover is that he’s a green bean farmer.
I’m calling it: Harry Covert
A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the old wild west.
He said: “I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.”
What kind of race is never run?
A swim race
What did the upside down cow say to the other cow?
Woo
I clogged the toilet again today
I didn't know I had it in me.
Don't panic if your pet crow doesn't wake you up in the morning.
There's no caws for alarm.
What is a kangaroo's favourite kind of music genre?Hip Hop
Why has nobody stolen the lakes in Scotland?Because they keep them under loch and quay.
This might be original content as I just thought of it, but quite possibly it's been thought of before, with input from a friend adding the "quay" part.
It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
I'm reading a book about antigravity...
I'm having a hard time putting it down!
How did the funeral home make so much money?
They had the market coronered
I think I was born upside downMy feet smell and my nose runs.
You might think this is funny but it’s snot.
What does Superman use to trim his toenails?
Clip-toe-nite
Why do mummy kangaroos always hate wet days?
Because their kids play inside.
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