I asked my wife is she wanted to go out to dinner tomorrow and she said yes.
I'm pretty excited to have the apartment to myself for the evening
I heard Celine Dion will be removing all the consonants from her name.It's a gesture in support of declining farmland in her native Quebec, Canada.
[Wait for it.]
How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend to his parents?
Meat Patty.
If you are a big soccer fan no way you would pass on it. A surgeon I work for has 2 VIP tickets to 2026 FIFA World Cup at MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey on July 19, includes a ride to and from the airport, VIP box seats and a pass to the winners locker room after the game.What he didn't realize when he bought them in January was that it's on the same day as his wedding.
If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at St. Paul's Church at 3 p.m.
Her name is Ashley. She's 5'4", about 115 pounds, a good cook, loves to fish and hunt and will clean your truck.
She'll be the one in the white dress. đź’Ť
My wife asked where I was taking her for Mother's Day...
Apparently "from behind" was the wrong answer.
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
It’s pasteurize before you even see it.
Back in my day, you used to be able to get air for free at the gas station, but now it's $1.
That's inflation for you.
I don’t mind going to work
It is waiting 8 hours to go home that sucks
Why did the fork refuse to fight the spoon?
Because it didn't want to stir up trouble!
My uncle wasn't just a locksmith. He was also a great mentor.
He opened a lot of doors for people
The model prisonerSeveral years ago, Jim was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all the other inmates.
The warden believed that, deep down, Jim was a decent man. So he arranged for Jim to learn a trade while serving his time.
After about three years, Jim had become one of the best carpenters in the whole county.
Sometimes he was even given a weekend pass to do small jobs for folks around town, and he always returned to the prison by Sunday evening.
Jim was the definition of a model inmate.
One day, the warden decided he wanted to remodel his kitchen, but he didn’t have the skills to build new cabinets and a large countertop.
So he called Jim into his office and asked if he could take on the job.
To the warden’s surprise, Jim immediately refused.
“But you’re an expert, Jim, and I really could use your help,” said the warden.
“Gee, Warden, I’d sure love to help you…
…but counter fitting is what got me in here in the first place.”
What should you say if you accidentally fart during confession?
"Forgive me, father, for I have wind."
What do fish get stressed out about?
Current events
My wife told me I drink too much, so I promised her I wouldn’t drink anymore..
I never said I’d drink any less.
My GF didn’t like her dessert at the restaurant
She said it was very off putting
What do you call a library on a ship?
A biblio-decka.
Do you like seafood?
Yes! I like to taste it too.
I had a plan involving bombs.
But it blew up in my face.
What do you call a police officer that does the chalk lines at crime scenes?
Tracey.
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am.
2am! Luckily I was still awake playing drums.
Did you hear someone stole all the wheels off the police cars at the local station?
The cops are working tirelessly to find the thieves.
Why are hallways in psychiatric hospitals called "hallways?"
Shouldn't they be called "psycho paths?"
Whats the difference between a sausage and a space rock that burns up in the atmosphere......
Well a sausage is made out of meat....but the rock is a little...meteor
I was going to tell a joke about the number 288, but I decided not to.
It's 2 gross.
Why can’t Frog drive with a flat tire?
Because then it would have to be Toad.
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