When my twins were being delivered, my daughter was born at 5 to midnight, but my son didn’t follow right away.
The Dr. said “Don’t worry, the son’ll come out, tomorrow.”
Believe it or not, my wife’s the only one i’ve ever been with.
All the rest have been an eight or higher.
What do you call a caveman who doesn't know where he going?
Meanderthal
What’s a ghost’s favorite type of sex?
Boo-ty calls.
NASA sent a satellite into space to apologize to the aliens.
They named it APOLLO G
At 16, I was promoted to shift manager at Arby’s. My dad knocked me down a peg, saying, “Oh yeah? My first job, I STARTED with over 500 people below me!” So I asked him what job that was…
“Mowing the lawn at the cemetery.”
I've noticed cottage cheese isn't really cheese.....
It's just a-curd to me
The average person is really
mean
Why does Tiger Woods wear two condoms?
In case he gets a hole in one
Local authorities have decided not to dig deeper into embezzlement claims at a local bait shop!
The reason, they were afraid they might be opening a can of worms.
A couple had been spending money at such an alarming rate that they feared they wouldn't be able to afford their annual holiday.The husband came up with a "brilliant" savings plan: every time they were intimate, he would put $20 into a large piggy bank.
A year later, the holiday season approached, and the husband finally cracked open the piggy bank to see how much they had collected. He was immediately puzzled. "Wait a minute," he said, "Every time we've been together, I've put in a $20 bill. But there are $50 and $100 bills in here! Where did these come from?"
His wife looked at him and sighed, "That's your trouble—you think everyone is as stingy as you!".
I feel bad for Greek vegans.
They'll never meat their gyros.
I fell in love with the rods in my bicycle tires as soon as I saw them.
They really spoke to me.
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar.
Batman follows them in.
A man walks into a library and says:"Can I have a burger and fries, please?" The librarian looks confused and says:
"Sir… this is a library."
The man suddenly whispers:
"Oh sorry… can I have a burger and fries, please?"
The librarian stares at him.
"Why are you whispering?"
The man says:
"Because this is a library."
I quit my job covering up mirrors
I just couldn't see myself doing it.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It gets toad away.
To the person who stole my copy of Overcoming Insomnia
How do you sleep at night?
I just had an argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public and she won, so today...
...I’m wearing pants to take her to school.
What lives underwater, blows up planets but can't hear anything?
A deaf star fish.
Why is Santa so jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live.
Use Horticulture in a sentence
You can lead a Horticulture but you can't make her classy.
Im about to tell you the 10th and 11th letters of the alphabet.
Jk
Why did the baby habanero put on a jacket?
It was a little chilli.
Why don't ghosts tell dad jokes?
They're scared the others ghosts will boo them.
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