I found out today that Dwayne Johnson has lived in the apartment above me for a LONG time...
I can't believe I've been living under a Rock for years.
This morning my son asked, “Dad, how come I wasn’t named after you?”
I said, “Because After You would be a stupid name.”
You know what? Cottage cheese isn’t really a cheese.
It’s just a curd to me.
I know a great website online to order sausage.
I’ll post the link later.
A buzzard with a dead possum under each wing tries to board an airplane, but...... the flight attendant says:
"Sorry, sir, there’s only one carrion allowed per passenger".
The very old cannibal complained that his soup tasted funny."I'm not surprised grand-père, I used a humerus bone for the broth," his granddaughter said.
He looked at her and said, "you mean..."
"Yes," she replied, "it's laughing stock."
What do you call a fake penis?
A phallusy.
How did the whoopie cushion die?
He had a fart attack.
My wife says I should enjoy her histrionic monthly moodswings because the guys in her historical romance shows accept them with grace.
But try as I might, I just really don’t like her period dramas.
A lady gets on a bus with a duck.
The bus driver asks "Where'd you get that pig?" The lady says "It's not a pig, it's a duck! And the bus driver says "Shut up, I was talking to the duck!"
A couple weeks ago, my boss asked me to quit using livestock analogies at work.
I’ve been locking horns with him ever since.
I was once abducted by pirates on a pink ship
The captain was called Barbie-osa
My wife told me that I have the body of a 25 year old....
Volkswagen.
My husband is a certified dad.Me pointing to the cheese: Can you help me grate this?
Husband peering at the cheese: I give it an A for effort.
😑😑😑
How much does a chimney cost?
Nothing. It’s on the house.
A man is filling up his car with gas and accidentally gets some on his hand…He doesn’t notice it and when he gets into his car, he lights a cigarette.
His arm instantly catches on fire.
The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around, attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve.
A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot...for an unlicensed firearm.
Which president was the best at doing laundry
George Washington
I might be 45, but I have a body of a 20-year old
It's in the freezer downstairs.
What is the saddest cheese?
Blue cheese
An old man of 80 married a 30 year old woman.He went to his doctor to tell him the good news: his wife of 2 months was already pregnant!
The doctor stared at him and said, "Let me tell you a story. A friend of mine liked going bear hunting. One day, after following a big one for miles, he realized that he had made a mistake. Instead of his hunting rifle, he accidentally packed his umbrella!
So, with no other choice, he raised his umbrella at the beast, and pulled the handle. And BAM! the bear was dead."
"That's impossible. Somebody else must have shot it from hiding!"
The doctor said, "I'm glad we understand each other."
What do you say if you lose 25% of your roof?
Oof
Every day, a doctor would go to the same bar and order a chestnut daiquiri. One day, the bartender ran out of chestnut and used hickory instead. The doctor came in, sipped it, and exclaimed, “Ew! What is this?!”…The bartender replied:
“That’s a hickory daiquiri, doc!”
A good woman is always by your side during the bad times.
To remind you none of this would have happened if you’d have just listened to her in the first place.
My daughter asked me what inexplicable meant..
I told her it was hard to explain
When 2 pirates marry each other, what's the first song they dance to at the reception?
Billy Joel's "Just the Way You Arr!"
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