What happens when a Target burns down?
It becomes Kohls
Before you judge someone, try walking a mile in their shoes..
After that, it doesn’t really matter, they’re a mile away and you’ve got their shoes.
When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be titled,
‘T. Hanks - For the memories’.
What do you do if you find an undressed female dwarf parent crying in the woods?
Help her. It's the bare minimum.
My mate often gets the words 'jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' mixed up
Now he's in hot water with Japanese gangsters
Did you hear Mariah Carey was arrested for hiding?
She didn't have her concealed Carey permit.
A woman breaks up with a man with a small penis. His friends were amazed he didn't seem hurt or phased by the breakup
It's okay," he said. "I wasn't that into her."
Why can’t penguins fly?
They’re not tall enough to be pilots.
The sheep gotta eat!I only had Hostess snack cakes with me when I had to force feed a young sheep to get her to start eating.
Yeah, I had to ram a lamb a Ding Dong!
I'm kind of upset that I can't write out 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.Actually, I M LI VI D.
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/u/jfshay [link] [comments] My wife is a freak in the sheets.
I don't know any better in Excel.
I agreed to perform Beethoven at my recital, but I’m regretting the choice.
Unfortunately, at this point, there’s no turning Bach.
There was a really big sale at The Lego store
People were lined up for blocks
People in Dubai do not like the Flintstones….
But the people in Abu Dhabi dooo.
Just a heads up to all my friends, I’ve been informed that I'm being investigated by the fashion police.
My lawyer says I'm suspected of having criminal ties.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo
One is a heavy animal the other is a little lighter
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school???
The teacher woke him up, no big deal.
Grocery delivery just arrivedThe driver said ‘There’s a couple of substitutions in there, a sprig of rosemary and some haddock’
I said to him ‘This isn’t the thyme or the plaice’.
When I discovered that I was holding the taser the wrong way
I was stunned.
What brings presents and has a hundred legs?
A santapede.
Being in bed with this bad flu has made me rethink my priorities in life…
It’s had a big influenza on me.
Did you know that orcas are actually technically porpoises?
They just do a killer whale impression.
I was thinking recently about the ethics of farming mushrooms
It was a morel dilemma
Why do women fart after peeing ?
Since they can't shake dry , they blow dry
Why did Guns N’ Roses miss their winter gig?
Axl Froze
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