Last night in bed, my girlfriend was mumbling about being born in 1892 and writing the Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings
I thought: 'she's Tolkien in her sleep again.'
40 years ago today, l asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most gorgeous woman l know to marry me.
All three said no
Breakfast SnakeMy 9 month old daughter was eating a banana this morning and was taking some seriously large bites. My wife said she looked like a snake unhinging its jaw. To which I said
"Shes a Bananaconda!"
I felt the collective eye roll from the entire household lol.
What do you call a fake fish?
A de-koi
Grandpa in the hospital
A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital.
“How are you, grandpa? he asks.
“Feeling fine,” says the old man.
“What’s the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus.”
“And nursing?”
“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”
“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”
“No problem at all — nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet … and that’s it. I go out like a light.”
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
“What are you people doing,” he says,
“I’m told you’re giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can’t be true?”
“Oh, yes,” replies the Sister.
“Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”
Fever is at the top of the list of worst symptoms for illness.
While constipation is a solid number two.
How do you fit an elephant into a SafeWay bag?
You take the S out of "Safe" and the F out of Way.
What do you call a female pirate who loses a leg?
Peg.
What did the cannibal’s wife give him when he got late to dinner?
The cold shoulder
I got an award for my ability to keep secrets.
I can’t tell you how much it means to me.
I hate dating apps.
I'm going to start dating women instead.
What did Mary Poppins like for dinner?
Soup or Ahi frozen fish sticks , ex peas, all delicious
The aorta is my favorite artery
It has a special place in my heart.
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened,
the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
What does a Mexican duck say?
Guac guac.
Alphabet is raising $80 billion by selling stock to invest in AI
I bet the other 24 letters are pissed!
What can you eat on, sleep in and brush your teeth with?
A plate, a bed and a toothbrush
I've just begun a speed-reading course, and last night I read Great Expectation in 15 seconds…
I know it's only two words, but I'm still a beginner.
I’m starting to get suspicious of the elm trees that line the National Mall in Washington, DC.
I really think they might be government plants.
He admitted that he didn't know anything about the cloning machine.
I said: "That makes two of us!"
Me: I'm having trouble understanding how lightning works.
Physics Teacher: Don't worry, it'll hit you eventually.
Our priest has been trying to persuade some new singers to join the church.
He's preaching to acquire.
How can you get less if you double a letter in fever?
Because you get fewer
Having a bad day 😢. Tried my best to cook some Middle Eastern/Israeli food and failed miserably…
I just really falafel about it
Coffee.What do you call a cup of coffee with a sixth sense ?
Déjà brew.
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