On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?”
He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”
I told my wife that if I ever owned a sailboat, I would name it Ccccccc.
That way, I can sail the seven C's.
Last Christmas, my girlfriend got really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends.
I still don’t know why, she said she wanted an ex box.
Given their anatomy, some people wonder how mermaids can give birth.
They usually have a sea section.
Last Night A man was Hit by a Violin then a Clarinet and then a French Horn
Police say it was an Orchestrated attack...
I asked my wife if she could say “worth, worth, worth, worth”. She’s like “um, why?”
I said, “trust me, it’s worth repeating.”
I just bought the Snow White Lego set second hand but it only had 6 dwarves
Not Happy
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered."
I don't understand why women carry a baby for nine months.
It would make more sense if it was gestate.
Jet Skis are poorly named.
Obviously it's a boatorcycle.
My son asked me, “Dad, today I watched someone do 50 pushups. Do you think you could do that?”
I said, “Of course, son. I don’t want to brag, but I could probably watch someone do 100 pushups.”
How does a prisoner make a call?
On a cell phone.
I had a friend who was always late until his doctor recommended sleeping in a herb garden.
Now he wakes up on thyme.
What do you call a cat making a pot of coffee?
A Purr-colator.
Why did the mashed potatoes cross the road?
To get to the other sides.
I caught my kids playing with electrical wires without protection.
So I grounded them.
I’ve gotta prepare for the big boat paddle sale tomorrow.
It’s a huge oar deal.
I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut.
I think she plans to look at the highlights later.
I was re-potting and moving my greenery indoors and found out that they had been spying on me while acting like my friends.
It turns out they were plants.
If your car is running
I'm voting for it
Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?
"I used to like tractors"
What's the capital of Africa?
The "A". This is an effective use of an old joke because it baits them into thinking they're smart by saying "Africa is a continent, not a country." That's when you pull the carpet from beneath their feet and make them face-palm.
What's a pirate's favorite Nirvana song?
Come as you ARRRRrrrggghhh!
Why can't my young son tell a dad joke?
He's not fully groan.
I can’t believe I agreed to a boxing match after Thanksgiving dinner
Now I’m afraid I’ll get the stuffing knocked out of me
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