A weasel goes into a bar. The bartender says “Interesting. I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
I was asked to run a marathon recently, but said hell no. But my mate told me it was for blind and handicapped kids.
I thought for a while and thought, yeah, why the hell not, I could easily win that race.
How does a polygamist hippie count his wives?
1 Mrs. Hippie. 2 Mrs. Hippie. 3. Mrs Hippie...
A swimmer was asked what her favourite stroke was…
She replied “The one that killed Margaret Thatcher”.
I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing
Except at a funeral
My wife worships me.
She places burnt offerings before me every single night
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory
I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds
Poor guy
My wife and I have decided that we don’t want kids.
If anyone else does we can drop them round later.
My mom and my dad were quite the opposite:
My mom was always right and my dad left.
My son just opened a cookie from Panda Express and it had no piece of paper inside.
How unfortunate.
What do you call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher.
Why does a milking stool only have three legs?Because the cow has the udder.
(I never see this one here - maybe the bots will pick it up.)
Did you know if you boil a funny bone…
…it becomes a laughing stock! - now THAT’S humerus!
Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
When I feel lonely, I buy some shares at the stock market.
It's nice to have some company.
I walked past a farm and saw a sign that read: “Duck, eggs!”I thought, “That comma seems unnecessary…”
Then it hit me.
Why are pubic hairs curly?
So they dont poke your eye out
What’s a frog’s favorite outfit
A jumpsuit
I was a man trapped in a woman's body.
And then I was born.
What do you call a mediocre Spanish supercomputer?
La cluster
My granddad always used to insist on standing up whenever a woman entered the room...
which is ultimately what led to him losing his Disability Living Allowance.
What happens when someone eats aluminum foil?
They sheet metal
What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
It gets toad
My son came up to me crying."I'm getting bullied at school, dad. The children think I'm arrogant."
"Are they in your class?" I asked.
He said, "No, I'm much better obviously."
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