Two cats had a swimming race. The first cat was called "One, two three," and the other was called "un deux trois." Which cat won the race?
"One two three" won. Unfortunately, the un deux trois cat sank.
Why did the transgender dinosaur only eat vegetables?
He was a her, before
People think being a waiter isn't a respectable job.
But, hey, it puts food on the table.
My inflatable house got a puncture last night.
Now I'm living in a flat.
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable.
Why is Billy Joel's laundry so wet?
He didn't start the dryer.
Why don't the French eat two eggs for breakfast?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
My wife said she was going to leave me if i didn’t quit singing Phil Collins lyrics, but i reminded her that she told me it was ok to sing them. She asked “I did?”. I said, yeah
Do you remember?
I would love to visit Norway….
But I can’t a fjord it.
Lionel Ritchie had a medical procedure recently. Was it out patient?No. He had to stay all night long.
I'll see myself out
I Love Telling Dad Jokes …
He always laughs.
Longer one... happened an hour ago.Very very old joke.
Went to pick up some new glasses, had my adult son with me.
We got talking about the thinness of the glass, and how it's hi-index glass, bit more expensive than other glass.
Driving Home
Me: yep its high index expensive glass. Really thin.
Him: oh yeah that's cool. (Not really paying attention)
Me: its so much better than the cheap German sausage glass.
Him: cheap German sausage glass ?
Me: yep, thats the wurst!
He looked at me like what ????? And then it clicked
Him : I can't believe you just said that
The farmer was getting his animals in the barn for the night. The sheep were grumbling pretty loudly. The farmer said, "What are you ewes whining about? Huh? What's your problem?
They said, "You herd us!"
I usually don’t get angry when my wife pulls pranks on me. Except for the time she got me to eat clay...
I nearly shit a brick.
What is E.T. short for?
He's got little legs
What starts with W and ends with T
No, really. It does!
I worked for an optometrist but he fired me.
He said we didn’t see eye to eye.
I turned a huge tree into a boat with two paddles
Ended up in Roanoke
A factory worker died after falling into a vat of coffee.
Paramedics said he didn't suffer - it was instant.
I failed my urine test...
...the doctor said I had a piss poor attitude.
My father was thrown in jail for pushing a banana into a cops face....it seems
A peel to authority is a weak argument.
Heard about the guy who lost his middle finger?
He gives no fucks.
What did scissors say to rock?
“Beats me.”
Paddy was coming back from his holiday in America.As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulder.
The Customs officer asked him what he had in the sacks? Paddy replied Mobile phones.
The customs officer didn't believe him and asked to be shown. Paddy opened each sack and sure enough both sacks contained quite a few phones. "What are you going to do with all these mobile phones asked the officer?
"Oh, they are not for me. My mate Mick, who is in a band, knew I was going over to America asked me to bring him back Two saxophones.
My wife asked me to put the cat out.
I didn't even know it was on fire.
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