Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction
To save money on fuel I took the mirrors off of my car to reduce drag
I've not looked back since.
My wife commented that I'm definitely not French the way I wolf down my food. So I asked her then what am I?
Without skipping a beat she said you're clearly Russian
Why didn’t number 4 go through the haunted house with it’s friends?
It was just 2².
Why does ironing clothes make them shrink?
Because it de-creases them.
What do you call it when a police officer quits their job?
A cop-out.
Just started working at the bicycle factory this week…
They already made me the spokesperson.
Do not be afraid of a six month home renovation.
Those twelve months will be the most fulfilling two years of your life.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.” Confused and extremely worried, I slowly opened the fridge door. The light came on, the beer was cold.
What the hell did she mean?
My wife said I am always messing up sayings. I told her…
I could care less!
When you need to protect your butt, you should call Thor
He's an Asgardian
What type of doctor has the most no-show appointments?Dermatologists.
Their patients tend to be flaky.
Why didn't the maths teacher go on the roller coaster?
He was 2²
Master chef.I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised.
Australians usually boo meringue.
What do u call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick
My personal trainer said he eats five big meals and trains six days a week.
I have no idea how he eats that many trains.
A naked guy fell into a pile of glitter…
…pretty nuts, right?
Mantis.Baby praying mantis: “Dad, who do we pray to?”
Dad mantis: “That depends on the religion.”
“Wait… bugs have different religions?”
“Of course, son… we’re in sects.”
Did you hear about the bee who got busted for visiting a prostitute?
It was a sting operation.
Why did the old man take a pair of socks with him to the golf course?
Because he got a hole in one.
My wife just ironed my dress shirt while I was wearing it
She likes to press my buttons
My therapist diagnosed me as "audio-averse".
I don't like the sound of that.
I recently got arrested for stealing a whole volume of encyclopaedias.
I turned to the officer and said, “Look, I can explain everything.”
I made a bunch of ghee last weekActually, it was just butter.
Sorry, I should have clarified.
I cleaned my vacuum cleaner.
Now I am the vacuum cleaner.
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