A farmer tells his neighbor, "My horse is so smart, he can count.""No way!" "Watch." The farmer asks, "Horse, what's 2 + 3?" The horse stomps his hoof five times. The neighbor is amazed. "What's 4 + 4?" The horse stomps eight times. "Incredible!" Then the neighbor asks, "What's the square root of 1?"
The horse looks at him for a moment and says:
" Are you kidding me? I'm just a horse"
I’ve offered my elderly neighbor $20 to give me a ride on her stairlift.
I think she’s gonna take me up on it.
If you write "5318008" on a calculator and turn it upside down,
you can see the back of a calculator.
Ever since I got a wheelchair, my wife’s been so rude to me.
Always pushing me around and talking behind my back.
“I bought a sheepdog.”“Old English?”
“Ic gebohte scéaphund.”
A photographer was tragically crushed when a massive block of cheddar fell on him.
In fairness, the people he was photographing did try to warn him.
I won $10 million in the lottery and decided to donate a quarter of it to charityNow I have to figure out what to do with the other $9,999,999.75
Earning the title of "Dad" one bad joke at a timeSince we'll be out of town next week, my gals decided to celebrate Father's Day today. We went out for sushi for lunch. As usual, I ordered the spicy maki combo and an "Out of Control" roll. Most of the food arrived, but my special roll was still being made.
Soon enough, the waitress arrived with the last of my food. "Here you go. Your Out of Control." I responded, "Thanks, people tell me that all the time."
My wife rolled her eyes so hard, I'm pretty sure her retinas detached.
My Pa said he would accompany me and help with my equipment when I was going to climb Mount Everest.
I said,are you surePa?
I dread the day Musk's scandal comes to light
Elon-gate is going to last forever.
Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital?
ICU
My wife told me that I spend so much time reading about naval history and building model ships that I'm starting to resemble a boat.
I gave her a stern look
I used to hate facial hair.
Then it grew on me
I just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from ALDI.
It even came with Aldi king’s horses and Aldi king’s men.
Dave was born without eyelids, so the doctors circumcised him to use the skin.
The operation was a success, he's just a little cockeyed.
My wife told me to stop being an idiot, and just be myself.
I told her to make up her mind.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo…
After an argument, a man sat in his man cave throwing darts at a photo of his wife but not a single one was hitting the target…His wife yelled from upstairs, “What in the hell are you doing?”
He replied, “Missing you!”
What do you call a dog on a submarine?
Subwoofer (I'll see myself out)
In ancient Rome there was 4 types of poisonTypes l, ll and lll would kill you instantly.
Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
When I was on trial, my proctologist served as a key character witness. Later, I asked him why he decided to help me out.
He said, "It's not just you. I stand behind all my patients."
When grandma suspected grandad of cheating she was like a dog with a bone.
She buried him in the garden.
A Hard BargainA destitute man, desperate for money, shouts out," I would do anything to be a rich man! I am tired of constantly being broke, never knowing where my next meal is coming from!" POOF - the Devil appears and offers him a deal. "Let's play a game," the Devil says, producing a deck of cards. "We will each draw a card, high card wins. For every hand you win, I will give you $1 million dollars, for every hand I win, I get to take one of your body parts."
The devil drives a hard bargain, but the man is tired of being poor and he agrees. The first hand, the man wins, and instantly a briefcase full of cash appears next to him. "Wow!" The man says, "1 million dollars! I have never seen that much money in one place."
"Do you want to keep playing?" The devil asks.
The man is tempted to stop, but his greed gets the better of him, "Yes, let's keep playing!"
The next hand the devil wins and instantly, painlessly, the man's left leg disappears. He is shaken for a moment, but he thinks of all the wheelchairs he could buy for 1 million dollars, "again!" He says.
They continue like this for several rounds and the man wins several million dollars, but he has lost both legs and both arms, numb to his precarious position and blinded with greed the man shouts, "again!"
"Are you sure?" The devil asks, looking nervous, most people quit before they get this... diminished. How will you even draw a card?"
"I'll draw with my mouth!" The man shouts, now do you want to play or not?"
The devil shrugs and holds the deck of cards up to the man's mouth, the man takes the top card between his lips and drops it on the floor. His heart sinks as he sees that it is a 2. The Devil draws a King and instantly the man's torso disappears and the man's head, still fully sentient, falls to the floor.
"Still want to keep playing?" The Devil asks wryly.
"No..." The man says with a sigh, "I had better quit while I'm a head."
Use straw to keep cats off the kitchen counter. They really hate touching it
You could say they're claw-straw-phobic.
What do you call a starving hippopotamus in Budapest?
A hungry Hungary hippo.
top
