They say that having fish tanks can help soothe mental and physical pain.it's probably because of all the indoor fins.
(I'm nowhere near as sorry as I should be! š¹)
Going to Milk it a LittleWife asked if I could pick up a gallon of milk, I told her of course I could, it only weighs maybe 8 lbs.
She then corrected herself and said "no, from the store." So I got confused and asked "why would it be any heavier at the store?"
I re-labeled all of the jars on my wifeās spice rack.
She hasnāt noticed yet, but the thyme is cumin.
My dog gets bit by ducks at the park
I should know better than to take him there because he's pure bread
Why is a calculator so easy to use?Because they are
counter inuitive!
Guys I just thought of this. is it any good? I don't think my wife got it. I think it's brilliant.
When does a regular joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I was trying to put a new hole in my leather belt, but i wasn't able to,
despite giving it my awl :(
Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by putting it in water?
If it sinks itās girl ant. If it floats itās boy ant.
Why do we only ever hear about the Babylonians?
I'd also like to know what the Adultlonians were up to!
What did Harry Potter say when he filled up his gas tank?
āExpensive Petroleumā
What do you call a very curious aquatic salamander?
An askalotl
Fitness trainer: What kind of squats are you used to doing?dad
Me: Diddly
How do you make a water bed bouncy ?
Use spring water. š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£
Why should you say ābreak a legā to wish someone luck when theyāre auditioning for a play?
Because you want them to end up in the cast.
I got my car towed today...
Nothing wrong with it. it's just cheaper than putting fuel in.
I have a friend who thinks I'm very vain
She even wrote a song about me, I think
I refuse to see any doctor named William.
Iām not looking to deal with medical Bills.
More than half of pirates isā¦
ā¦avast majority.
Why do we call the post āmailā and not āfemailā?
Itās all Bills.
They told me that if I wanted to meet someone new, I had to go where the women are, and they were right!
The strip club is great. I'm getting lots of attention and spending way less money than when I was dating.
I have a joke about a ceiling
but itās probably over your head
I'll never forget what my grandad said to me before he croaked.
He said "hey kid, wanna hear my frog impression?"
My coworker asked "is this paper up to date?"
I grabbed it from him and said it was already taken
I just got hired at a parsley farm.
Itās pretty easy work but the downside is that they started garnishing my wages.
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