My in-laws stopped over for the weekend. My Father-in-law forgot to pack deodorant, so my wife offers the choice of a deodorant and an antiperspirant, and asks "which one would you like?".. he looks, pauses, and replies " ummm"I chimed in... "give him a minute, he's stinking about it!"
(Of course nobody except my father in law chuckled. :)
My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm.
It would be a lot less weird if she'd just let me in.
Just asked my 9-year-old son what he learned in school today.
He said, "apparently not enough because I have to go back tomorrow".
I don’t always roll a joint but when I do
It’s an ankle
The Clever Doctor and the Greedy AttorneyA prominent personal injury lawyer was walking down the street when he saw a small clinic with a sign outside: "Get treated for $20. If we can't cure you, you get $100 back."
The lawyer smelled an easy payday and walked inside. He sat down with the doctor and said, "Doctor, it’s terrible. I have completely lost my sense of taste. Everything tastes like cardboard."
The doctor nodded solemnly, turned to his assistant, and said, "Nurse, please bring me the solution from jar number 14. Put three drops on the gentleman's tongue."
The nurse complied. The lawyer immediately spat it out, coughing violently. "Ack! That’s kerosene!" he yelled.
The doctor smiled. "Congratulations, your sense of taste is fully restored. That will be $20, please."
Annoyed at being outsmarted, the lawyer paid and left. A week later, he returned, determined to get his $100. "Doctor," the lawyer said, holding his head. "A terrible bout of amnesia has hit me. I have completely lost my memory."
The doctor stroked his chin. "Mmh, a severe case. Nurse, please bring me the solution from jar number 14—"
"Wait a minute!" the lawyer interrupted. "That's the kerosene you gave me last week!"
The doctor smiled. "Wonderful! Your memory is back. That will be another $20."
Fuming, the lawyer paid and plotted his ultimate revenge. He returned the following day. "Doctor, it’s a tragedy. I have completely lost my vision. I can see absolutely nothing but darkness."
The doctor sighed. "Ah, I am truly sorry, sir. That is beyond my medical capabilities. I cannot cure blindness. Here is your $100 refund." The doctor handed him a bill.
The lawyer looked down at the money, scoffed, and said, "Hold on a second, this is a five-dollar bill!"
The doctor smiled warmly. "Incredible! Your eyesight is perfectly fine. That will be $20, please."
A naked man broke into a church.
The police chased him around and eventually caught him by the organ.
A Pirate went to a dermatologistA pirate went to a dermatologist to look at some suspicious moles on his back.
The doctor assured him that they’re benign.
“Arrrrgh,” said the pirate, “check again because when I counted there be ten!”
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day…
His name was Pikup Andropov
My sister placed a bet with me that I couldn’t name a state that starts with an “I” other than Illinois
Now Iowa a lot of money
Parachute for sale
Only used once never opened
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A teacher says spit out your gum. A train says, "Choo choo!"
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage...
But I lost my case.
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.“Is everything okay pal?” the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight and she isn’t talking to me for a month!”
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know,..a little peace and quiet?”
“Yea. But today is the last day!”
This girl texted she didn’t want to go out with me because I had boomer vibes and my phone was ancient.So I got my phone out and replied “
666550822553302222777330666669” Ok take care now.
My wife asked me if I wanted to do lunch at the Vietnamese restaurant on the beach.
I said, "Pho Shore."
Despite the high cost of living
It remains popular
Don’t eat aluminum
Or you will sheet metal
How do you kill a vegetarian vampire?
With a steak to the heart.
I'm happy to announce I have opened a new paternity testing facility in Indiana
It's called Hoosier daddy
Murphy’s Law states that what can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage with mayo
I have always preferred the British spelling for "diarrhea".
"Diarrhoea" really looks like you've lost control of your vowels.
What do you call a condescending bear?
A pan duh!
I went to the restroom a fancy restaurant. I saw a sign “employees are required to was hands”
I waited an hour then went to the manager and told him no one showed up
I am starting my new job as an executioner next week.
I’ll be headed there soon.
I’m not sure if my wife is proud of my body.
But a small part of me says yes.
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