What do you call a Viking who lost his boat?
A Hiking.
My 19yo daughter just dropped this on me: How can you tell if you're having dinner with a termite?
They order the house salad.
You know what's worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles
I don’t see what’s so great about the bottomless shrimp deal at Red Lobster
As far as I know shrimp don’t wear pants anyway
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé after he proposed?
Feyoncé
I sent my son to his room for saying Jim Morrison was a terrible musician...
Sorry, but we do not slam The Doors in this house.
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey
But I turned myself around
Today I found a coin with bite marks all over it…
I guess it was a bitcoin.
What does the moon do when he needs a haircut?
Eclipse it.
Did you know animals can go on vacation????
Where do sheep like to go on vacation ? - Baaaaahamas
Why couldn't the pasta get into his house?
Gnocchis.
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your X-RayLady : But I’ve never dated anyone named Ray
Doctor : And we would do a brain scan too
Did you hear about the two antennae that got married?
The ceremony was ok, but the reception was AMAZING!
Bobby Flay has a sister who is also a chef
Her name is Sue
What do you call sheep rolling down a hill?
A lambslide
. . .. I broke up with my GF Lorraine because I was seeing another woman named Claire Lee . .. .
. .. ..The good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone . .. .. ..
Where did people go to hang out during the medieval times?
Knight clubs.
Why do Canadian cowboys have sticky feet?
Maple stirrups.
What did the Roman emperor say when his female prisoner escaped?
Julius, seize her
Scientists found that even after clinical death a person’s eyes can still function for a short period of time
It's mostly because the pupils die-late.
Don't forget your punctuation folks.
A comma can completely change a sentence.
For example: "Let's eat, Bob!" vs. "Bob is in a comma."
Some guy has been doing all the stuff on my To Do list...
Every single item says "Mark completed"
The son came home from school a bit sad. Mom goes "what's wrong?" The son said "my math teacher said I probably need some new eyeglasses for math." The mom looked confused.
Then the son said "she said that it can help with division".
I've been trying all day to get to the train station.
But I keep getting sidetracked.
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