In bed with a priest, a nun said, "Father, I never expected you'd have such a small organ".
He replied, "why, sister... I never expected to be playing in such a large cathedral."

A tough old Texas cowboy once gave his granddaughter some unusual advice. He told her that if she wanted to live a long, healthy life, the secret was simple: sprinkle a small pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal every single morning.
Not wanting to argue with a man who had survived cattle drives, dust storms, and Texas summers, the granddaughter took his advice to heart. Every morning, without fail, she added just a pinch of gunpowder to her breakfast.

She followed this routine faithfully for the rest of her life.

The years passed, and the advice seemed to work. She lived an exceptionally long life, finally passing away peacefully in her sleep at the age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren…

…and a 40-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

What do "Titanic" and "the 6th sense" have in common?
Icy dead people.

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets. As he walked away he turned to the cadet & said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."
The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge, no sir! I promised myself when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.
I know that, because I kept a log.

What does a horny frog say?
Rub it

How often do mushrooms reproduce?
Sporadically.

What do you call a guy with no shins?
Tony

My friend claims that doing a single yoga pose counts as a whole workout.
I think that's a bit of a stretch.

The cashier at the grocery store asked me if I would like my milk in a bag
I replied "No thanks leave it in the carton".

I don’t like margarine or smoked meats as much as my new wife…
…But I vowed to be in it for butter or wurst.

I told my son that we were having Himalayan rabbit stew for supper.
Sounds great he said, but where did you get that rabbit???

I found Himalayan on the side of the road!

Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Mount Everest

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Ken came in another box

What kind of lighting did Noah use on the ark?
Flood lights.

Know why you should not go for a cheap circumcision?
Because they are nothing but a rip off.

Why didn’t the cannibal eat feet?
She didn’t like bologna.

My wife was upset when I brought home the meat from my big game hunt to cook.
"Honey," she said, "You're making a big moose-steak".

I'm using only fans right now and it's hot.
I'm waiting for a technician to get my air conditioner fixed

What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
One sells watches and one watches cells.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the "knock-knock" joke?
He won the "no-bell" prize.

Oregon trail
You met a man on the Oregon Trail.

His name is Terry.

You laugh and tell him "That's a girl name!"

Terry shoots you.

You have died of dissin' Terry.

My friend really changed once she became a vegetarian
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What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claus-trophobic.

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta way!!