If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?
U r a Bus.
The waitress asked me the dumbest question at dinner tonightI ordered the broccoli cheddar soup, and she asked, “Did you want that in a cup or a bowl?”
“Yes please, otherwise it’ll get everywhere.”
I asked my son to hand me a newspaper the other day.
He laughed, called me old, and handed me his iPad instead.
That fly never stood a chance.
What do you call a cat that can’t use a litter box?
Illitterate
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage…
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
I asked the Librarian if there were any books on the Titanic?
She said probably, but they would be soaking wet by now.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store…
I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
OhI told my wife I had to go oh. She said “what’s oh?” I said “you know when you kind of have to go pee, but you really don’t have to go pee right now, but you know if you wait too long you will really have to go pee, so you go pee now just so you don’t get to that point where you really have to go per?” She said yes. I said “that’s oh.” She said “ why is that oh?”
I said “because O comes before P.”
Which type of loan does an introvert prefer?
A leave me alone
Which is the world's fastest dinosaur?
The Prontosaurus.
I went to a rally for the hearing impaired.
They were chanting:
“What do we want? HEARING AIDS!”
“When do we want them? HEARING AIDS!”
I'm not sure if I should become a hair dresser or an author
I think I'll toss a coin and it's heads or tales.
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?
The epileptic shucks between fits.
Dad, why do we always eat Bratwurst on February second?
Because it’s ground hog day
I have something in my car that alerts me the moment I hit 66 in a 65mph zone...
We've been married for 35 years.
People ask me why I've started making jokes about helium balloons
I just want to try something light.
Dad & son.
Son: "Dad, did you go to the same school as me?"
Me: "Yes, 25 years ago. Why do you ask?"
Son: “Because today Mrs. Brown said she hasn't seen an idiot like me in 25 years!”
What did the band Queen say to a crying baby to get it to stop crying?
"We will rock you."
Just NowMe, to daughter: Hey, got some gravel in my knee, now I've got a hole.
Daughter: looks
Me: holds knee up a bit more What've I got now???
Daughter, facepalming: A high-knee hole.
I'm so sorry if this doesn't fit, had to get it somewhere and this was the first place I thought of!
What actor are you most likely to see strolling about?
Christopher Walken
I go to the same barber that my dad, granddad, and great-granddad went to
It’s part of my hairitage
When ordering helium balloons I could choose balloon-type, delivery timeframe, the option to be notified of new products and whether I wanted to add their site to my trusted sites.Easy choice for me.
Weightless, waitless, waitlist, whitelist.
My daughter wants a purse but I don’t think she’s ready
Does that make me an antipurseparent?
What happens when the Avengers go to the beach?
HULK SPLASH!
Dad, I have sand in my shoes.Really? I have feet in mine.
No dad! It really hurts.
That's called agony of defeat.
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