Whats Trumps favorite garden.?
Kinder..
Went to an airshow today, and saw a RedBull stunt plane going all out. I pointed it out to my nephew who immediately came at me with...It used to be a stunt car, but RedBull gave it wiiings.
I nearly died laughing, I was so proud of him in that moment and really wanted to share the humor with some like minded folks. (I am a dad, just not his dad.) Anyone else find some truly inspired dad humor from unexpected places?
My husband asked me to show him my wild side.
So I opened Safari.
A little boy ran up to me shouting "Please help, my dad is in a fight!"
I ran over with him and saw two men going at it. I asked, "Which one is your dad?"
He said, "I don't know, that's what they're fighting about!"
Teacher: use contagious in a sentence
Me: I saw my neighbor painting her house with a toothbrush. I said: it will take this contagious to get it done.
What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?
A Seatbelt
How do you know the Mad Hatter isn't a dad?
A Dad Hatter wouldn't be mad, just disappointed.
A recent survey revealed that 85% of Americans don't know how to do basic math.
Thankfully, I'm part of the other 25%.
I’m trying to make a joke about furniture…
And sofa, I can’t come up with anything.
Fact: The world’s longest drum solo was 13 hours and 26 minutes.
It was performed by a 5 year old little bastard on the back of my seat while flying from London to Singapore.
I’ve never owned a telescope in my life…
…but it’s something I’ve considered looking into to!
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter
Irrelephant
PyramidsI’ve started reading a book about how the pyramids were built…
…but it’s taking forever to get to the point.
How The Beastie Boys are making money with their 5 part Anthology?
Parts A to D are free... But you have to fight for your Right to Part E ...
What’s brown and sticky?
It's just a stick, guys!
When can you trust a fart?
Depends.
This morning I was telling my kids about all my childhood pets. I had a turtle named Al, two rabbits both named Al, my dog Al, and three cats: Al, Al, and Al. I begged my parents for another few pets, but they refused. My son piped up, “No duh! They knew you were just gonna keep naming them Al.”
I said, “Well, yeah… that’s the more Al of the story.”
Where do bad rainbows go?
Prism
Noah didn’t allow any dinosaurs to get onboard.
He didn’t want a Jurassic Arc.
Gig.I started a band called “1023MB.” We still haven’t gotten a gig.
What’s the difference between an evil wizard that raises the dead and an amorous chiropractor?
One’s a necromancer and the other is a neck-romancer.
What happens when the fog lifts from Los Angeles?
UCLA
In a doctors office
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had....Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room..
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck.
Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
What’s the definition of a will?…
…come on guys it’s a dead giveaway!
I added my grandmother to my speed dial...
I named her Instagram
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