My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit, so I told her that they.../r/DadJokes [NSFW] I asked my wife how come she never...let's me know when you orgasm.
she replied "You told me never to call you at work"
Grand Dad in front of the TV with his beer: “Starting a war while defending peace is kind of an oxymoron.”Then, immediately after that, a certain political figure begins to speak.
Grand Dad : "And here comes the regular moron !"
We exchanged a quick glance in silence, I nodded, and went to get him another beer.
A programmer’s wife tells him, "Go to the store and get a loaf of bread." "If they have eggs, get a dozen."He returns with twelve loaves of bread.
She asks why, and he says, "Because they had eggs."
What do you call a twelve-inch poop?
A footstool.
My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
I once dated a cross eyed girl
It didn’t work out, we didn’t see eye to eye. I also think she was seeing someone on the side.
Try not to spell part backward.It’s a trap!
Another one from the dad joke calendar I didn’t see posted here yet.
What’s the worst part about taking an ancient history course?
The professors tend to Babylon.
Dad -- Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.Daughter -- What's that got to do with anything?
Dad -- That means it's pasture bed time.
I survived a fall without a parachute...
I've also survived a winter, spring and summer without one, too.
Some actors perform best when they're cast in horror movies.
Jack Nicholson is a Shining example.
If two US immigration agents get a baby...
... is it then an Ice Ice Baby?
A Trump and a human can reproduce…
…but the offspring is Barron.
I was ordered to polish a giant Elton John statue a week ago
I’m still sanding!
Hey Alexa, why am I so bad with women?
"I'm Siri you idiot."
What do you call the Australian Prime Minister when he has the flu ?
Anthony Albasneezy.
Every day, I ask my wife if she would like me to go get the mail.Every time she replies, "No, I need the exercise."
Then today she asked me to go get the mail and the one time I say, "No, you need the exercise," and suddenly I'm the bad guy.
My IQ test came back..
It was negative
What do you say when someone is bothering you at a costume party?
Disguise really annoying!
Bono and Larry Mullen walk into a bar.
Says the bartender: "Oh, it's U2 again."
I would like to be frank with all of you..
But then I'd have to change my name.
My dad always said:
My dad often said “Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.”
What kind of noodles do cannibals like?
Ramen
Why was the broom late for school on Monday?
He over-swept
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