I recently got arrested for stealing a whole volume of encyclopaedias.
I turned to the officer and said, “Look, I can explain everything.”
My fiance and I wanted to get married at the public brary.
But they told us it was all booked up . 😂😂😂
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
Did you hear about the bee who got busted for visiting a prostitute?
It was a sting operation.
What do you call an inconsequential pachyderm?
Irrelephant.
Mantis.Baby praying mantis: “Dad, who do we pray to?”
Dad mantis: “That depends on the religion.”
“Wait… bugs have different religions?”
“Of course, son… we’re in sects.”
Blacksmith.An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting.
"Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil.
"Get the hammer over there, he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
I told my partner i was testing her by asking if she’s a wife or a mother first“A mother first”
“Wrong, you married me a year before our first kid.”
Got a big groan on that one
Kid: Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Dad: Yes, we arson
I told my wife that I've swapped our bed for a trampoline.
She hit the roof!
There's a new book just been published about poltergeists that's becoming very popular
It's flying off the shelves.
Whats black and white and red all over?
The shopping list after my wife asked me to put ketchup on it.
I heard they have great peaches in Georgia.
So I went to a supermarket in Georgia and asked an employee where I can find the peaches. He said, "I'll see," and walked away. I asked another employee and she also said, "I'll see," and walked away. In the end, I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.
My friend lost an arm and ever since has said cleaning was impossible.So I got my other buddy to build him a new vacuum attachment, he’s not the best engineer but anyhow.
I went to his house to help him organize and gave it to him saying, “Don’t worry, I’m here to lend you a hand. Fair warning though, it sucks”
“Let’s start making a hole in that wall.”
“Boring… but you know the drill.”
I invented a diy human cloning machine that runs on a regular 110v outlet.
Make yourself at home.
I cleaned my vacuum cleaner.
Now I am the vacuum cleaner.
Did you hear about that restaurant that puts toilet paper on the tables and bread in the bathroom?
It’s a complete roll reversal.
I don't really understand mathematical notation
It's all greek to me
I've just had a stack of toilet paper rolls fall on me in the supermarket.
I'm okay, though, just soft tissue damage.
Why did the chocolate bar break up with the peanut butter?
It was just a sticky situation.
This just happened in real life, and I got MANY chuckles.At Costco with the wife and kid. Kid sees a sample booth and asks what they’re offering...
Me: “it’s a hot dog!”
Wife: “it’s a European wiener”
Me: “you’re a peeing weiner”
I turn to the man offering the sample and say “get it?!?”
Nothing
Wife loses it, people next to me lose it, kid loses it and won’t stop repeating it. Good times had by all, ‘cept maybe for the sample guy.
I was driving my son home
Then he asked if I could get off his back
To the guy who invented zero,
Thanks for nothing.
If someone is playing chess for the first time
Does that make them a Rook?
top
