I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies
She is not “fun to be around.”
My daughter’s boyfriend just Dad Joked me and I’ll be honest, I think she needs to marry him.So last night we had some storms roll through including some really wicked lightning. I still made a point to make a beer run, and when I got back I posted a video of the lightning to Facebook with a caption explaining the beer run as a context.
My daughter’s boyfriend responds with: “It must have been pretty scary if it made your beer run.”
I already knew this before she moved in with him, but I think the guy’s a winner, folks.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the Mothership
Wife: I want another baby.
Husband: That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one.
She choked from laughing before she fired meA good one from out in the wild.
My wife and I are working on launching a fundraiser for a charity that buys local children Christmas gifts. Okay, it's mostly her working on the actual event, but I'm handling the promotion. We were sitting in the office, her making signs, and myself writing copy for a radio promo when I headed downstairs for a glass of root beer I asked her if she needed anything but she said no.
When I ascended the stairs back to the office she remembered something, "I should have asked you to bring the props for the signs."
I set down my glass, gave her two thumbs up and said, "Great job on the signs my love!"
Anyway, so now I'm downstairs checking Reddit because after laughing so hard she forgot how to breath I was temporarily fired. She can't look at me without laughing again.
Applied so hard. And got so far.But in the end,
I wasn't even hired.
- LinkedIn Park
To anyone who lost a rubber band filled with $100 bills!
I found the rubber band.
Someone ripped the fifth month out of my calendar…
…I’m dismayed.
Why are former Nazis so good with animals?
Because they're all veteran Aryans
My wife missed my dad joke, but others around me appreciated it:We were catching up with some relatives when my wife told my uncle that her father had recently been promoted in his role in the Air Force. Now he's a Major, and the promotion actually came with a pay increase as well.
I said, "Woah, a pay increase? Was it a minor increase, or..."
My cousin started cracking up but my wife continued with the small talk haha.
(I often find that dad jokes are better when the punch lines are filled in by the recipient rather than the deliverer. Anyone else prefer this method of delivery?)
The electric eel could only swim with the current because
Swimming against it proved to have too much resistance
I'll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died
Are you still holding the ladder?
Look! There! A sea Nazi!
Adolfin!
Do you know the difference between the USA and a yoghurt?
If you leave a yoghurt alone for 250 years, it develops a culture.
I was washing the car with my son today, when he asked me...
“Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”
I finally hung a copy of the U.S. constitution on my wall.
I call it the decoration of independence.
I just figured out why people say "be there or be square".
Because if you're not there, you're not a-round.
If you bump your head on a coffee maker
Will it leave a brews
Why arent there any horses in therapy ?
Because their home is stable
My wife: "You promised to stop with the Darth Vader quotes after we got married"
Me: "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."
Did you hear about the huge LEGO sale?…
…people were lined up for blocks!
Went into a cafe for lunch today and ordered the nicest sounding thing on the menu, home-cooked steak pie."Excuse me, love." I said to the waitress, after my first bite. "This is cold."
"Well of course it is." She replied. "I live miles away."
My brother in law told me he's met the person he will spend the rest of his life with..
He's got himself a new cell mate..
I was watching a very interesting documentary about bees last night.Did you know that some bees are actually allergic to pollen...
Yeah they break out in hives
Why can't poor people be tracked by dog?
Because they never made a scent.
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