How does a polygamist hippie count his wives?1 Mrs. Hippie. 2 Mrs. Hippie. 3. Mrs Hippie…
Edit: Typo
I saw a guy carrying a long stick. "Are you a pole vaulter?", I asked.
“No, I'm German. How'd you know my name is Walter?"
My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store.
I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.
Mortal Kombat was actually based on a Scandinavian church song.
It was a Finnish Hymn.
Where does a fish go, if he needs medicine?
To the PharmaSea.
Last night.. I went to the Apple Store to get a new iPad for my wife as a surprise. I found the one I thought she would like and told the Apple genius guy helping me that I wanted to get it for my wife…
He responded “We accept only cash or card we do not allow trades”
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence.
What do you call a flying NUN?
a) a bird
b) an airplane
c) an arrow
d) nun of the above
When politicians get involved in a scandal, they often end up firing one of their assistants. Usually, it doesn’t solve the problem.
It’s just a banned aide.
* I got a new pen that can write under water.
It can write other words too.
A hippy chick got a job working at a bank.On her first day every time a teller counted money, She would just stand behind them. The manger’s noticed and asked what she was doing?
She said “Dude you told me to stand behind the counter all of the time”
In response to the recent mass exodus, have you seen the latest lineup of artists performing during the Freedom 250 concert?Lady Maga
Red Hat Chili Peppers
Magadeth
Impeaches & Herb
the Magas and the Papas
Earth, Wind & You're fired
Supertrump
My wife and I watched a great dramatic series on Hulu the other night,back to back until we finished it. Unfortunately, she was the one facing the TV.
I could hear it but I did not see a thing.
Before crowbars were invented
Crows used to drink alone
The Smart PigA city slicker is driving down a quiet rural road when he spots something unbelievable in a field. He slams on the brakes, reverses, and stares out the window. There is a farmer plowing a field, and walking right next to him is a pig. But this isn't an ordinary pig—it has a wooden leg.
Driven by pure curiosity, the city man parks his car, walks over to the fence, and flags down the farmer.
"Excuse me, sir!" the city man yells. "I couldn't help but notice your pig. Why on earth does it have a wooden leg?"
The farmer stops his tractor, wipes his brow, and looks fondly at the pig. "Oh, let me tell you about Barnaby. Barnaby is no ordinary animal. He is an absolute miracle of nature. Just last year, I was working in the barn when it caught fire. I was trapped under a fallen timber, unconscious. Barnaby ran into the roaring flames, dragged me out by my collar, and then ran back inside to alert my wife. He saved my entire family!"
"Wow, that's incredible!" the city man gasps.
"That's not all," the farmer continues. "A few months later, my youngest son fell into the deep end of the farm pond. Barnaby dived right in, kept the boy afloat, and managed to push him safely to the shore."
"Unbelievable!" says the traveler. "Barnaby is a genuine hero! But you still haven't told me... why does he have a wooden leg?"
The farmer sighs, shakes his head, and looks at the city man like he’s crazy. "Well, listen here. When you have a pig that is that special, you don't eat him all at once!"
A guy I met in the hallway of my building today asked me for directions. He wanted to know the fastest way to the chipotle on high street near campus. I asked him asked if he was walking or driving there. He said driving..
I said yep that is the fastest way
Reading.I was reading the dictionary in bed last night, but I didn’t make it very far.
I got up to P.
It's my wife's birthday next week and she's been leaving jewelery catalongs all over our house.
So I got her a magazine rack.
Which game did Aladdin used to play with his pet monkey?
Peek Abu
Why did Aslan keep the Deep Magic a secret?
That’s Narnia business.
What is E.T short for?
He has little legs.
I gave my handyman a to-do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3, and 5.
Turns out he only does odd jobs.
What do you call an obese physicist baby?
New ton
You've heard of Pop Tarts. Why are there no Mom Tarts?
Because of the pastryarchy.
8y/o: Why did the chicken cross the road?Dad: Why?
8: To get to an idiot's house.
D: ???
8: Knock, knock.
D: Who's there?
8: ... The chicken.
(I don't think he made this one up, but it made me laugh and I'd never heard it!)
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