The doctor told his patient that he was going to die soon because of Mercury in UranusThe patient said “I don’t believe in astrology”
The doctor said “Neither do I; my anal thermometer just broke in your backside”
True story my friend's teenager son actually asked me if I just thought of it on the spotMy friend's son who's 15 is staying with us. My son in grade 4 asked me what translucent meant.
I said, "I'm trying to remember but it's not completely clear."
And the 15yo was genuinely impressed.
Keep forging on, friend's. There's a world of people just waiting for your lame one-liners
I was addicted to soap.
I'm clean now.
What happens if you pave your own driveway, and it doesn’t come out well?
It’s your own asphalt!
This soup recipe calls for "5 potatoes cubed".
Maybe it's just me, but 125 potatoes seems excessive.
I just found out Al Gore is a great dancer.
It’s all in his Al Gore rhythm.
Did you hear the rumour about butter?
Well I'm not going to go spreading it.
Someone told me my clothes were gay.
I said: "Yeah they came out of the closet this morning."
True story, just happened…
I was making Indian food for dinner and my son came in the kitchen and asked, “Can I grab a naan?” I said, “yes, but you can’t eat it yet because then it would a naan-starter!” He just looked at me and asked, “is this rule naan-negotiable?”
I ordered a vault and a speaker off Amazon...
they arrived safe and sound.
I sharted in church
Had to sit in my own pew
How do you get out of an elephant’s stomach?
You run around until you’re pooped.
A man brings his Rottweiler into the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed is there anything you can do for him?”“Well,” the vet says, “Let’s have a look at him.” The vet picks up the dog and looks into his eyes. After a few second the he says, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down.”
The shocked owner replies, “what?! Because he’s cross-eyed?!”
“No, because he’s heavy.”
What musical instrument do clarified butter and petroleum like to play together?
A ghee-tar.
What do you call karate for amputees ?
Partial arts
Did you hear about the 2 thieves who stole a calendar
they each got 6 months
Cars are getting very advanced nowadays.
This morning I was reversing and it played a video of a man being run over.
My wife told me to stop singing I'm a Believer, or she'd leave me.
I thought she was kidding, then I saw her face.
My friends really like rice-shaped pasta.
Orzo they say.
Bert: Hey Ernie – you want some ice cream?
Ernie: Sherbert.
Don’t order hay for the horse on Amazon
A few days later, they'll ask for your feed back
No kleenex neededWhen I have a clean X-Box, I won’t need my Kleenex box.
That’s it. You can now proceed to laughter.
When do you know the medieval orgy is over?
When the knight has come…
Cheeky doctorI told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places
What's a different phrase you can use for anal bleaching?
Changing your ringtone.
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