Coffee was recently voted the best beverage in the nation, but the election was rigged...
There were many Absent Tea ballots.
Today I bought 2 bananas, an apple, and a pack of cigarettes.
The cashier looked at me and said, "You must be single, huh?" And I'm like, "How do you know that?" She said, "Because you're ugly."
When i was young we were so poor we had a clock that was just rock.
they were hard times
Did you know that 40% of your BRAIN is AI?
The other 60% is BR & N.
Never tell a pepper about your personal life.
they'll always be jalapeño buisness
My wife asked "Why do you always walk in front of me?"
I said "Sorry?..., I don't follow you."
What do you call a calculator that does not procrastinate?
Calcusooner
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
Satis-factory
I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says "Terror".
Then I can say to people "Look, it's a terrorwrist!"
I said Hi to all my appliances
But only the microwaved.
My bank never stops pestering me to borrow money from them.
I've told them at least a dozen times to leave me aloan.
What is Pac man's favorite cooking utensil?
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok
3 guys named Barry, Harry and Larry are hiking in the woods. Barry spots some tracks. “Look! Bear tracks!” Harry replies, “Those aren’t Bear tracks, they’re Moose tracks!” Larry chimes in, “No, those are Cougar tracks!”
Then they were hit by a train.
My teacher told me to turn in my essay.
I told her I ain't no snitch.
I told my wife I'm going to take us out to a nice restaurant this HalloweeenWife: which restaurant?
Me: no I think it's run by Vampires.
How do trees use a computer?
They logged in
I'd make a construction joke
But I'm still working on it
I cut myself while repairing the roof on my house.
Good thing I already had a shingles vaccine.
My wife insists on being the one that does our taxes
She's Intuit
I re-labeled all of the jars on my wife’s spice rack.
She hasn’t noticed yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I used to make dad jokes before I was a dad...
But back then I was a faux pas
Where do you find sleepy Vikings?Snoreway!
Credit goes to my 7 year old
How many is a Brazilian?I don't know, but I do know it's more times than you want to get whacked. A friend of mine got a Brazilian whacks and hurt for a long time after.
(borrowed from a comment thread on another joke)
My friend recently started teaching math to midgets..
He says it's important to make the little things count.
My dad didn't want to tie up the pinata until I reminded him that I was the birthday boy so he gave in.
I kid you knot.
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