I dated this stunning girl once. She was a communist, originally from from China, but I met her while working in Switzerland. We lived in Dennark first then moved to Turkey and went on holiday in Canada. Then she cheated on me. I was devastated, but I really should have known better
There had been a lot of red flags
What do you call a kinky pasta?
A fetishini.
Germans must have short phone numbers
I asked this girl for her number and she told me "nine".
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
My son was complaining about being cold so I told him to go stand in the corner. He asked why, so I told him…
It’s 90 degrees.
What do you get when you rub two oranges together?
Pulp friction
Did you know that New York and Minnesota are exact opposites of each other?
Because, New York is where the Big Apple is, and Minnesota is where Minneapolis.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing. It just waved.
You’ve heard of a Rolls Royce? Well, I drive a Rolls Canardly.
It rolls down one hill, and can’ardly get up the next!
My kid said Jim Morrison is overrated,
So I sent him to his room. Nobody slams The Doors in my house. . .
I went into the forest that makes you have multiple pronouns and accidentally touched some poison ivy.
Now I’m it/she
I was going to tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants
But you probably never heard of herbivore
I told my therapist that I caught my wife in bed with my best friend yesterday.She asked "You bitter?"
I responded "Yeah... Then I bit him too."
My friends wife caught him cheating & then cut him in his inner thigh!
She was charged with a misde-wiener
If someone from Holland married a Filipino, what would their children be?
Hollapinos!
Some guys were arguing next to my car. Me, “Hey you’re gonna have a problem if you touch my car. They both reached over and touched it.
I said, “One side of a rectangle is 3 inches shorter than the other side. If we increase the length of each side by 1 inch, the area of the rectangle increases by 18 square inches. Find the lengths of all sides.”
What food do they serve at synagogue events?
A rabbi steak
Why did the meatballs tell the spaghetti to go to sleep?
It was pasta bedtime
How do trees flirt with one another?
They say “damn, you’re looking pine!”
How do you get Lady Gaga's attention?
Just poker face.
What noble gas do pirates miss the most when it leaves?
Argon.
I finally had sex with herbs
My thyme has come
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
Did you hear about the cow that got arrested for milking herself?!?
She committed an illegal u-churn!
My client today
Said she had a son named Myles. I told her my son's name was also Miles. She then said "Oh, but he has an "i" right?" And I replied, "Well, he has two."
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