A woman comes home from a doctor's appointment absolutely beaming.Her husband looks up from the TV and asks, "Why are you so happy?"
"Well," the wife says, "the doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-old woman, I have the physical attributes and spirit of an eighteen-year-old!"
The husband snorts and says, "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-five-year-old rear end?"
She smiles sweetly and says, "Actually, your name never came up in the conversation."
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3 years, when we separated, she returned exactly a $100.
I lost interest in that relationship.
Two wind turbines are standing in a field. One asked the other, "What's your favorite kind of music?"
The other replies, "I've always been a huge metal fan."
Do you know how rare it is for a cow to get hit by lightning?
Medium rare.
Captain Kirk was going to release a line of lingerie
But the marketing people told him that Shatner panties probably wouldn't sell all that well.
26 doors, each with a letter of the alphabet. Which one has the ewoks?
"N" door
Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?
He got 12 months.
Is Buttcheeks one word?
Or, should you spread them apart?
I took my dog to a playground by mistake instead of a dog park.
The staff said dogs weren’t allowed… but this time they’d let it slide.
What do you call an Irish grandmother with heart issues?
Angie O’Gram
Do you know what a Wok is..?
A Wok is what you throw at a Wabbit when you don’t have a Wifle. 🥲
Who's your favorite ocean-based singer-songwriter?
Mine's Kylie Minnowgue.
What does a mortician and an electrician have in common?
They're both shocked when they touch a live one.
Why do Mimes never go to jail
They get off without a sentence
Why is coffee always getting into trouble?
Cos it’s not tea
I heard a reporter on Sky News say, “At least one person killed in suicide bomb attack.”
Yeah, obviously!
Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
Pagliachi feels a lot of pain when he sits down, and he's worried he has hemorrhoidsHe goes to the hospital, and the attendant says
'Please state your medical request and your name'
He replies
'Butt doctor, I am Pagliachi'
A man who was in court for stealing a bag was sentenced in just 3 minutes
It was a briefcase.
What do you call a bird with a bad cough?
A phlegmingo
Two old friends on a park benchTwo old friends, Earl (80) and Frank (87), were sitting on a park bench one morning.
Frank had just finished his morning walk around the park and didn’t even look winded.
Earl was amazed and asked, “Frank, how do you have so much energy at your age?”
Frank grinned and said, “Simple… I eat rye bread every single day.”
“It keeps your energy up and gives you great stamina with the ladies.”
On his way home, Earl stopped by the local bakery.
The young woman behind the counter asked, “Can I help you, sir?”
Earl said, “Yes ma’am… do you sell rye bread?”
“Of course we do,” she replied. “How many loaves would you like?”
Earl thought for a moment and said, “Better make it five loaves.”
The baker looked surprised and said, “Five loaves? By the time you get to the third one, it’ll be hard.”
Earl muttered under his breath, “Well I’ll be… I can’t believe everybody already knows about this.”
My alarm that looked like my grandfather recently broke.
It’s a dead ringer.
I got kidnapped by a group of mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
Captain Kirk has 3 ears
His right ear, his left ear and his final front ear.
Marvel.
How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms?
The experiment altered his jeans.
top
