Your duck is dead!A woman brings a duck to the vet. The vet says "your duck is dead". The woman says "are you sure?"
Vet: "Yes". Woman: "How can you be sure you've done no tests?".
The vet brings in a Labrador retriever which sniffs the duck and shakes its head. Next, a cat sniffs the duck and shakes its head. Vet says "sorry, but as I said your duck is dead".
Vet hands woman a bill. She cries, "$820 to tell me my duck is dead!". Vet says "if you had taken my word for it, the bill would be $20, but Lab Reports and Cat Scans cost extra".
Arial and Helvetica Walk Into A Bar…Arial and Helvetica walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey, we don’t serve your type. Get outta here before I call the Serif!”
“Get a load of this newbie,” Helvetica scoffs. “What’s your name, bartender?”
“Roman,” says the bartender, flustered at being hassled on his first shift, “but what does that have to do with anything?”
Helvetica leans in. “You better get with the Times New Roman,” she jeers, “because someone shot the Serif!”
“What?!” gasps Arial. “Do you mean to say this whole town is Sans Serif?”
My doctor told me I’ll have hearing aids soon
But for now it’s just hearing HIV
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church, and Reverend Thibodeaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.They were both standing by the road pounding a sign in the ground that read...
“Da End is Near Turn Yo Self ‘Round Before it Be Too Late”
As a car sped past them...the driver leaned out the window and yelled... “You religious Nuts!”
From the curve they heard screechin’ tires and a big splash...
Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and asks... “Do you tink maybe da sign should jussay...”Bridge Out?”
How do you tell if a parrot is lying?
Pollygraph.
A wife walks in on her husband playing on his PlayStation."The house is still filthy! I thought I asked you to sweep the house!" she says.
"I did" replied the husband, "I found no hostiles"
I bought a pair of sneakers from a known drug dealer.I don’t know what he laced them with,
but I’ve been tripping all day.
I've got an addiction to cheddar cheese.
It’s only mild though.
πr²
No, usually they are round
Scandinavian teams are really good at curling
They might even sweep the medals
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays
But in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot.
I've been trying not to speak with a twang anymore.
I'm going through withdrawls.
I think I figured out why most Stephen King books are set in the same state:
It's easy to write Maine characters.
Breaking News: A Yorkshire city has gone missing.
The police say they have no Leeds.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
What does a vampire call his Valentine?
His ghoul-friend.
I think there's romance going on in my silverware drawer...
I saw the fork giving the spoon a valen-tine.
How did the man get locked out of his pasta factory?
He had no key
How do you organize a space party?
You planet.
My friend has been promising to teach me how to fly a kite
Turns out he’s just been stringing me along
What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
It gets toad away.
James VanDerBeek
There’s been a lot of celebrity deaths lately and usually it’s a good idea to hold off for a while before making any jokes. But with James VanDerBeek, I don’t wanna wait
Give a man a plane ticket, he flies for a day
Push a man out of a plane, he flies for the rest of his life
I saw Indian Justin Bieber...
but he can't Singh
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling?
Take away it's broom.
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