My wife gave me an envelope marked, "Not to be opened until 2027.”
Inside was a list of reasons why I can't be trusted to carry out simple instructions.
A man walks into a bakery with a salmon under his arm and asks “do you have fish cakes?”
The person behind the counter replies, “No”.
“That’s a pity, it’s his birthday”.
I relabeled all the jars in my wife's spice rack
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.
I'm going to solve 1 + 2 + 3 + ... + 100.
I have a 5050 chance of getting it right.
My boyfriend dumped me so I stole his wheelchair....
.....guess who came crawling back?
Why do police officers always show up to aquariums?
Cause there is always something fishy going on there.
I buy every comic book I see.
My friends and family say I have a lot of issues.
My friend said he just got a job at a bowling alley. I asked him , 'tenpin'?
He said no , permanent
I forgot to ask off for Dolly Parton Day.
Looks like I'm workin' 9/25
I dated a girl with a lazy eye
... until I realized she was seeing someone on the side.
Eating too many sweets is the sin of gluttony…
…but you can eat as much pie as you want because the sin of pie is always zero!
I asked my wife ...How come she was so excited about getting a new car on finance right until the day she bought it home...After that she didn't even bother to drive it for about 90 days
She said it came with 0% interest for the first 3 months
A cute blonde and Frankenstein's monster were hitting if off at a bar. She asked him, "Where ya' from, Big Boy?"
He responded, "Oh, all over."
Two canibals are eating a comedian.
One turns to the other and asks... does this taste funny to you?
What do you call someone who believes only 12.5% of the Bible is true?
An eighth-theist
Did you know that ten plus ten and eleven plus eleven are the same thing?
It's true. Ten plus ten is twenty, and eleven plus eleven is twenty, too.
College
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the incoming freshman and pointed out some of the rules. "The female dormitory is off limits to all male students and the male dormitory to all female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first offense." He continued, "If you break this rule a second time, you will be fined $60 and a third infraction will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a young man in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
Hi everyone, 26F here :)
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Why do alligators make great sandwich shop managers?
Because they are great deli-gators.
A man was bludgeoned with a clarinet, a cello, and a French horn.
Police say it was an orchestrated attack.
Why is the ocean always grumpy?
You'd be grumpy too if you had all those crabs in your bottom
Playing Elderscrolls made my daughter want a nose ring.
After all, Oblivion begins with a Septim Piercing.
I was hospitalized after tripping onstage and falling headfirst into a drum kit.
The doctor said I had a percussion.
A guy walks into a bar joke
A baker walks into a bar and orders a drink. "When they legalized marijuana in my state, we tried taking advantage of it by offering infused pastries at the bakery. But we had trouble keeping the place staffed," he tells the bartender. "We had pretty high turnovers."
I went past a wide open piece of property with a guy standing at the front. I asked what it's used for. He said, "It's for parking."
"Thanks," I replied, "That explains a lot."
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