I just went for my prostate exam
...got the thumbs up.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth this morning. Thankfully no harm was done..
But I'm now speaking with a weird Axe scent..
Out shoppingAt Menards, had a fairly full cart, just loitering. Employee asked if I was ready to check out.
Without thinking I said I'm pretty sure I've got a few good years left. Wife didn't appreciate it. She needs a sense of humor 🤪
I caused an accident after hearing a joke in the car
I was charged with vehicular man's laughter
Just ate my last piece of brie and now it’s raining.
Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
I bought my sick dad a snowboard in the hope that it would improve his bad health.
He’s gone downhill since, though.
What gender is a doorbell?
Male. It has a ding dong.
Sewing.I was going to write a joke about sewing…
But I couldn’t come up with any good material.
So I knew this baseball player who could ONLY poop while clutching his lucky bat. He lost it one day and went days without a BM. Concerned for his health, I finally convinced him to go to the hospital.
They said he was bat shit crazy.
Egypt is known as the land of single parents
this is because there are all these mummies but no daddies
When i was young my family was so poor...
We went to KFC to lick other people's fingers
Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to star in a new biopic about a famous 17th century composer
When asked for details, he replied "I'll be Bach."
Why didn’t the pasta ask his friend to help him move?
He didn’t know if he was stroganoff
During our tour of Philadelphia, the guide pointed out the U.S. Mint and said, “Believe it or not, this facility discontinued making pennies here last year.”
I leaned over to my wife and whispered, “That doesn’t make any cents!”
I heard there was a mass exodus of tech bros from the Lone Star state.
Now it’s just tech sis.
After days of digging, I've finally cracked Forrest Gump's computer password
Turns out, it's 1Forrest1
Got fired from my new job as a bank teller after 1 day
I have a difficult time dealing with change.
What do people say at the end of a hip hop concert?
That’s a rap!
How do you go to the bathroom in Northern Michigan?
U.P.
(Fixed a typo) Do you know why Darth Vader is called Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made the stormtroopers giggle.
The boss said I could do the job without supervision.
Which is good because my vision is getting blurry as I get older.
A lovely woman just stopped me in the street and tried to sell me flowers
Her very nice associate also made sure my jeans weren't damaged
Did you know Albert Einstein was a real person?
All this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist.
My wife and I are both people-pleasers, and we end up constantly competing over which of the two of us can be more accommodating
I usually let her win
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