When I lost the dictionary my wife asked if I looked upstairs
I was like, “I can’t look up anything!”
My dad used to work 12 hours a day to put food on our table.
A great man, but a terribly slow cook.
I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.
What a legend.
My wife asked how my first day at the condom factory went. I said, “Not great. My manager pulled me into his office to yell at me, said I should be fired because the ones I made were too thin and brittle.”
She gasped and said, “Oh no, that sounds tearable!”
My nerdy friend Tim just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
My wife left me after she found out I had learnt limbo dancing to suprise her ...
I bent over backwards for that woman
My daughter hit me with an original creation.Kid: “why do birds go to a special school?”
Me: “I don’t know? Do they go to special schools?”
Kid: “yeah, they go to high schools!”
My three-almost-four year old has a bright future.
NASA is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it “Apollo G”
When I was a baby my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager…
…it wasn’t until I was 18 that I realised I’d been Fostered.
How do you make the number one disappear?
You add “g”, and it’s gone.
It doesnt matter if you're tall or short, thin or fat, rich or poor, at the end of the day...
It's night.
Where do gardeners go to sleep?
In the flower bed
What do you call a guy who runs orchestra really quickly?
Lightning conductor
BREAKING NEWS: Count Chocular, The Stay Puft Marshmellow Man and The Teddy Grahams Bear have all persisted in a fire.
S’More at 11
I used to ride my horse to work. People would ask me why
And I would tell them, “it’s hard to carry him”
Where do naughty rainbows go?
To prism. It's a light sentence, giving them time to reflect.
A: How do you stay happy every day?B: Never argue with idiots. They’ll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
A: I think you’re wrong.
B: Yeah, you’re right!
What’s the name of the Japanese attorney who only files lawsuits against women?
Sushi
Why does a cow wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
My wife says I'm the cheapest person she knows
I'm not buying it
What is an introvert's least favorite band?
Crowded House
When is Luke Skywalker not Luke Skywalker?
When he's in a Tonton he's Luke Warm.
The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash.
He said I was a sight for psoriasis.
A person that does not want to be around people is an introvert. A person that does want to be around people is an extrovert. I like to be around cats.
Does that make me a purr vert??
Last week I paid someone to cover my wife in nappies
She loves being pampered
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