Booked a hotel room the other day. Walked into my room...yams everywhere.Yams on the bed, yams on the table, yams in the bathroom.
Went to reception to complain.
Hotel guy said: "Those aren't yams, they're suite potatoes"
I want to open a restaurant that fuses Chinese and Middle Eastern cuisine.
I'd call it "Wok Like an Egyptian".
A guy walks into a music store and asks about their hip-hop selection. The clerk tells him they only carry Nas and Tupac.
The guy says “no biggie” and walks out.
I asked the dealership for a value on my car today.
They asked if the fuel tank was full or empty.
This morning I was removed from the local community park for organizing the squirrels by height
Turns out people were not happy that I was critter sizing.
Scientists tried to genetically mix a leopard and a crab...
...but they stopped soon, when they realised it can go sideways really fast!
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones.
But the people of Abu Dhabi do!
My wife emerged from her wardrobe and said to me,darling I was wearing this at our wedding 30 years ago and it still fits me.
I said,honey it's a scarf!
It’s really easy to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile…the one on the left will see you later;
the one on the right will see you in a while…
My librarian wouldn't tell me where the "self-help" section is...
... she told me that would defeat the whole purpose.
I like to tell dad jokes.
But he never thinks they’re funny.
What did the French fry dad say to his curly fry son?
You better straighten up and fry right.
Took my kid to the doctorThe nurse was in the room with us getting vitals and whatnot. We started talking about how it can be difficult when children are unruly.
chadministrator: You know, in Europe they call unruly kids "unmetered".
nurse: Oh, really?
chadministrator: Yeah, because they use the metric system.
The nurse laughed and thought it was amazing. Better still, my wife did that laugh all wives do where she laughs but instantly hates herself for laughing because it encourages me to do more dad jokes. It was glorious.
My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with CB Radios.
I think it's over, over.
Parts of the Body.
What’s the most reliable part of your body ?
Your fingers. You can always count on them.
After my dad died, I visited his favorite park to scatter his remains. Just as I started, a park ranger came running towards me screaming, “STOP!!! You can’t do that here.” I asked why not and she said…
“You at least have to cremate him first.”
get better soon
Wife gave me a card "Get Better Soon". I'm not sick, but she's looking for improvement.
Ever looked at a car and wondered how it smells?
With it's trunk of course.
Why are babies so good at basketball?
Because they like to dribble.
The police showed up when my son refused to take a nap…
They charged him with resisting a rest.
I’ve started a business building boats in my attic.
Sails are going through the roof.
Your therapist is a washbasin and you're not opening up to it
Let that sink in
Which Greek god was also a children's book author?
Dr. Zeuss
According to my son's doctor, he's too obsessed with 3D geometry.
I'm concerned that he might have spatial needs.
How did the zoo know where the escaped flamingos went?
They were seen on a Flock cameras
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