My daughter defused my son's repeated 6-7's perfectly
Since my son turned 7 yrs old he has picked up the 6-7 meme, presumably from school friends. My daughter turned 4 and innocently assumed 6-7 was something to do with her brother's age, so she responds with "3-4" every time! Think it's her first dad joke, so proud!
My neighbor's wife attacked her husband with his guitar collection.At her arraignment the judge asked, "First offender?"
She said "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."
"When I eat alphabet soup, I only eat the vowels.""Why?"
"Sometimes."
When you're in the bathroom it doesn't matter if you're French, German, Spanish or Polish. At the end of the day...
... European
An instrument to cut the ocean in half?
A sea-saw.
What do you call a rude cow?
Beef jerky
Whilst swimming my friend accidentally swallowed some seaweed.
I suggested that he should sea kelp.
What do you call a person who doesn’t have a body or a nose?
Nobody knows .
My shoes have great personalities
They’re always sole mates.
My nipple was in the Guinness' Book of World Records...
...but then the librarian asked me to take it out.
A farmer was training a young farm hand on how to use a combine harvester
He noticed the young man was looking very uncomfortable. He asked if there was a problem, the young man replied "I just can't bring myself to do it, uprooting all those wheat stalks". The farmer replied, "What's the problem? It's only wheat.". The young man replied "What are you, some kind of cereal killer?"
Just tried a frog-flavored beer
You can really taste the hops
Why haven't aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and saw it only had 1 star.
A guy was bragging to a co-worker about how hot his wife was...
He was going on and on about how incredibly beautiful she looked and that anyone else would be lucky to land a woman as gorgeous as his wife. Finally, the co-worker manages to get a word in: "Oh, yeah? If you think your wife is hot, then you should see my wife." "Why's that? Is she a stunner, too?" "No, she's an optometrist."
On Tuesday I want to go to the autopsy club.
They're having an open Mike night.
I don't roll a joint very often...
but when I do it's usually my ankle.
What do a baby and football have in common?
The neighbor gets angry when you throw them over the fence
What do epileptic snakes have?
Hissy fits.
What is a pirate's least favorite letter?Dear Sir/Ma'am,
We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:
Illegal Downloading
Why can’t the US and the UK play chess?
Because they miss the queen and 2 towers
My coworker thought he was a lightbulb, so my boss sent him home.I also went home, I can't work in the dark.
(Reposting because I made a typo in the original.)
I can speak the language of several different countries.
England, Canada, Australia, Ireland...
Honey, did you say I bring happinness wherever I go?
No, I said whenever you go.
A group in Denmark is trying to convince the government to use old Legos to re-pave their highways...
...unfortunately, they've been running into a lot of road blocks.
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