An American, a Mexican, and an Australian walk into a pub.The Mexican says, “I'll have a Corona. The finest beer of Mexico.”
The American says, “I’ll have a Budweiser. The king of beers.”
The Australian says, “I'll have a Ginger Ale.”
“A Ginger Ale?” the American asks quizically.
The Australian replies, “Well, if you two aren’t going to have a proper beer. Why should I?
If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?
U r a Bus.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage…
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
I asked the Librarian if there were any books on the Titanic?
She said probably, but they would be soaking wet by now.
I asked my son to hand me a newspaper the other day.
He laughed, called me old, and handed me his iPad instead.
That fly never stood a chance.
My 10 yo daughter just dropped this one on meShe spilled a glass of water on her bed this evening and decided to sleep on the couch in the living room tonight. I told her goodnight and asked “How do you want the lights?”
She replied: “Medium-well.”
I have something in my car that alerts me the moment I hit 66 in a 65mph zone...
We've been married for 35 years.
The waitress asked me the dumbest question at dinner tonightI ordered the broccoli cheddar soup, and she asked, “Did you want that in a cup or a bowl?”
“Yes please, otherwise it’ll get everywhere.”
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider
My 10yo still loves this one I came up with years ago when doing laundryI had a pile of single socks and told him to pair them up. But if he found any that matched not to play with them. He asked why.
"Never play with matches. So you don't burn the house down."
It's like two lessons in one.
1) everything dad says is a joke
2) fire safety is important
Which type of loan does an introvert prefer?
A leave me alone
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store…
I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
What do you call a cat that can’t use a litter box?
Illitterate
Two-Foot Louie was a mobster.He was what one might call, "vertically challenged."
As such, he couldn't reach the pedals on his 1926 Chrysler Imperial, so naturally he had to hire a driver. The trouble was Louie was a tough character to work for because despite his size, he was incredibly intimidating. It became well known that Two-Foot Louie spent all that money on a nice car and yet had nothing to chauffeur it.
Which is the world's fastest dinosaur?
The Prontosaurus.
My friend was telling me he used to be a plumber in Minnesota and got called for a job at Prince’s houseI asked “what was that like”? My friend said “he had a…
Purple drain, purple drain”.
OhI told my wife I had to go oh. She said “what’s oh?” I said “you know when you kind of have to go pee, but you really don’t have to go pee right now, but you know if you wait too long you will really have to go pee, so you go pee now just so you don’t get to that point where you really have to go per?” She said yes. I said “that’s oh.” She said “ why is that oh?”
I said “because O comes before P.”
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?
The epileptic shucks between fits.
I wanted to make a fungi joke
But that's so saturated theres just not mushroom for original humor there anymore
My son's baseball team stopped at Taco Bell before their game today
We lost, but we definitely got the most runs.
I went to a rally for the hearing impaired.
They were chanting:
“What do we want? HEARING AIDS!”
“When do we want them? HEARING AIDS!”
I'm not sure if I should become a hair dresser or an author
I think I'll toss a coin and it's heads or tales.
Dad, why do we always eat Bratwurst on February second?
Because it’s ground hog day
My son can danceMy son Jack used to sing on a street corner, but nobody stopped to listen.
One day I told him, “Jack, forget the singing. Try some dance moves. Get the crowd moving!”
So Jack started dancing.
And it worked. People finally noticed him.
A few weeks later, a music producer spotted him, signed him up, and put him on tour.
On the night of his first big concert, I was sitting in the VIP box, watching thousands of people cheering for my son.
I had a tear in my eye.
I leaned back, looked at the stage, and whispered to myself:
“That’s my cool Jack-son.” 🕺😎
What happens when the Avengers go to the beach?
HULK SPLASH!
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