What do you call a man who is overly prepared?
Justin Case
What do you call a Viking who lost his boat?
A Hiking.
I entered ten puns into a pun competition:
I hoped at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.
A man took his wife to the hospital because she was in labor. Later on, the wife on the bed started screaming random stuff like couldn't, shouldn't, can't and won't. The man asked the doctor what's wrong with her and is this common.
The doctor said "don't worry, those are just contractions"
My 19yo daughter just dropped this on me: How can you tell if you're having dinner with a termite?
They order the house salad.
Today I found a coin with bite marks all over it…
I guess it was a bitcoin.
You know what's worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles
I went fishing with my dad today, we chartered a boat. Half way in he has to use the restroomHe tells me
Son I have to use the restroom, can you hold my pole?
I tell him
Sorry dad you're gonna have to do that on your own.
Gotta say I was proud of that one, we had a good laugh, and had a damn good haul. Good day
I left my job in tyre shop.
Just too much pressure.
My wooden car
I went to a car auction today and I bought a wooden car. It’s really cool, everything is made of wood. It has a wooden body, wooden wheels and wooden tires, a wooden engine, wooden transmission and wooden seats. It even has a wooden key! But when I went to drive it home, it wooden start!
What does the moon do when he needs a haircut?
Eclipse it.
There was a pasta who sabatoged a Broadway awards show
Rigatoni
Why do you never see the mother or father of someone transgender?
Because they’re transparent.
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey
But I turned myself around
I don’t see what’s so great about the bottomless shrimp deal at Red Lobster
As far as I know shrimp don’t wear pants anyway
I've been having a really hard time lately but then I remembered what they always say "better living through chemistry"
so I baked a cake.
I offered a helping hand at Target today. Got zero appreciation.
My wife and I were walking through Target when an employee in front of us dropped a mannequin’s arm. Since her hands were full holding the rest of the mannequin, she couldn't bend down to pick it up.
Naturally, I picked it up, held it out to her, and said, "Here, let me give you a hand."
She took it in total silence. My wife just stared at me.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé after he proposed?
Feyoncé
I sent my son to his room for saying Jim Morrison was a terrible musician...
Sorry, but we do not slam The Doors in this house.
Did you know animals can go on vacation????
Where do sheep like to go on vacation ? - Baaaaahamas
Bobby Flay has a sister who is also a chef
Her name is Sue
What has four stander uppers, four puller downers, two lookers, two hookers, and a swishy wishy?
A cow.
We have a mole in the CIA.
This week, it's my turn to clean its cage.
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your X-RayLady : But I’ve never dated anyone named Ray
Doctor : And we would do a brain scan too
Did you hear about the two antennae that got married?
The ceremony was ok, but the reception was AMAZING!
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