I am not saying I'm attractive
But when I take off my clothes in the bathroom.... I turn the shower on
I tried to get a loan to write a book about trigonometry
But I couldn’t get anyone to cosine
I think it’s a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
I saw a film that was G, PG-13, and R all at once.
That movie was so overrated.
[NSFW] Wifey told me she tried anal with a baguette.
Apparently it was a pain in the ass.
What happened in 1980s that caused global warming to increase so rapidly?
I was born. And became hotter every year...
I won't do airplane jokes anymore.
Last time I tried one, it didn't land well.
My wife came up with a groaner today: what is a banshee's favorite country artist?
Waylon Jennings
Is it just me, or is everyone on this sub good looking?
Nope. Guess it's just me.
My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids so I went and got a vasectomy.
But when I got home they were still there 😑
I realized the best name for your car is Link.Not only is it a Zelda reference, but every time you park, you can say you left Link in Park.
(I just thought of this one today.)
The Argentinian football team was checking out of their hotel. All the players' rooms were neat except one.
It was Messi.
My wife asked if I wanted to try roleplay...
I said, "Sure... I'll be the guy who already folded the laundry."
A man was found angrily screaming in the anti-perspirant aisle at Walmart
He was in the middle of a deodor-rant!
Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?
He had no BODY to dance with.
With grapefruit
Comes grape responsibility.
Had to take my ant farm to the vet last weekDoctors told me they were too alkaline… wanna know what was prescribed?
Antacid
A man came up to me in the street the other day.He said, "Derf! Your hair is getting thin!"
I looked at him and said, "Well, who wants fat hair?"
I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon, but it hasn’t arrived yet
Customer service told me they are dealing with it
People wonder how my broth manufacturing business took off so quickly. Well, I'll tell you the secret... We started adding yeast to all of our products.
That's what really caused our stock to rise.
It’s been 3 years since I started training for the ejaculation distance championships
Since then I’ve come a long way.
I mixed a laxative in my alphabet soup.
I call it “letter rip!”
When a pedal-driven machine has two wheels, it’s a bicycle. With three wheels, a tricycle. What is it when it has a ridiculous number of wheels?Farcical.
(Or perhaps whimsical.)
I can answer any question. Any question in the world!What? No you can't! I can think of plenty of things you can't answer!
Yes I can. I can answer ANY question!
Oh yeah? what is the capital of Liechtenstein?
I don't know.
My wife always complains that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
top
