What do you call a wreath made of $100 dollar bills?
Aretha franklins.
If the stork is the bird that delivers the babies, what is the bird that prevents pregnancy?
The swallow.
Why can’t you hear a librarian going to the bathroom?
Because they shhhhit
What do you call a sick lawyer?
Illegal
A man ended up in the hospital after swallowing a bunch of dollar bills
No change is expected
My girlfriend told me I give up too easily.
Oh well.
My wife just asked me if I know what it's like to eat an entire box of Sicilian pastries.
I said, " I cannoli imagine it."
One of my Students asked me Mr China is that your real last name?
No I replied its actually my Made in name
What kind of music do Santa’s elves listen to this time of year?
Wrap music.
How did medieval kings get their squires to go to sleep?
He good knighted them
Today my doctor told me I had to stop eating pizza.
When I asked him why, he said, "so I can examine you."
I got arrested for buying stock in Morton and Duracell.
They said it’s a salt and battery.
What do you call a parrot that can’t fly?
A walkie talkie.
what city is the most tightly packed?
Density.
I’ve lost so much money selling boomerangs
They always got returned
What type of tree do you find in your kitchen?
a pantry.
Have you heard of a band called cellophane?
They mostly wrap
Why I'm in favor of child laborThey're called minors. So it's obvious that they yearn for the mines.
=P
Why don't the other 25 letters like the letter D?
He's a weirdo.
My girlfriend is leaving me after I stood on her glasses and broke them.
She said, " I can't see you anymore."
For a bit of fun, I’m making a chart of my past girlfriends.
I have an ‘ex’-axis and a ‘why?’-axis
A famous chocolatier developed a new product line with 50% less moisture
Dryer Lindt
I ate the most amazing cheese I’ve ever had, fresh from the farm
It was goated.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
The Moral of the Story
WARNING! ... This is a long one so scroll on if you seek instant gratification...... Once there was a snake named Nate. Nate had but one job to do and it was the most important job in the entire world. Nate had to protect the world from ending by fending off anybody or anything that who would come and pull the Lever that, if pulled would end the world 🌎.. One day, Nate was distracted by a pretty female snake with whom he was flirting when all of the sudden, a large boulder came down the hill toward the lever!! Nate knew he must sacrifice himself to save the world so he got in front of the boulder which crushed him, then the boulder 🪨 just barely cleared the lever but the world was saved!!! THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Better Nate than Lever.
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