To everyone who said I'd never become a journalist:
I've got news for you.
I was staying at this hotel in Madrid and I got sickI called the reception to say I was sick and they said that they had a doctor on staff that could help me.
The doctor came up to my room and gave me a few pills.
‘I’m surprised that the place had a doctor on staff,’ I said.
‘Yeah. Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician.’
What does a tree do when it’s bored?
It branches out
What do you call two male FBI agents having dinner together?
A Government Man-date
What is the most common type of doctor in Egypt
A Cairo-practor
At dinner my date complained, “Naps? Sleeping in? Taking breaks? How are these actual hobbies?? Your profile said you were interesting!”
I calmly leaned in to clarify. “Resting. I’m into resting.”
Why do people in here get tired of seeing reposted jokes?
Just because you've reddit doesn't mean everyone else has!
I ate a clock yesterday
I ate a clock yesterday. I was so hungry I went back four seconds
My wife said I'm the cheapest man in the world...
I'm not buying it!
[Warning 18+]
19
I’ve had my recliner for a long time.
We go way back.
What happens when a witch flies faster than the speed of sound?
It causes a sonic broom.
A little girl was talking with her teacher about whales.The teacher explained that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, although whales are very large mammals, their throats are relatively small.
The little girl replied,
“But Jonah was swallowed by a whale.”
Slightly irritated, the teacher repeated,
“No, that's impossible. A whale simply could not swallow a human being.”
The little girl thought for a moment and then said,
“When I get to heaven, I'll ask Jonah.”
The teacher smiled and replied, “And what if Jonah went to hell?”
Without missing a beat, the little girl answered,
“Then you can ask him.”
One day, my dad was in the bathroom for a long time (true story from 60 years ago)He took so long that my mother got worried. She said "Martin, are you OK?"
When he emerged, my dad said, "Well, it was a struggle there for a while, but everything came out all right in the end."
Why does Darth Vader wear black robes like a nun?
Force of habit.
A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink.
One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's 9 in the evening.
Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell.
His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams.
The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're almost there!'
What do you call a dinosaur that's read Wuthering Heights?A Brontésaurus.
I'll get my coat.
Do you remember blowing bubbles as a kid?
I ran into him the other day, he still talks about it.
Why did Old MacDonald visit a gastroenterologist?
He was having irregular vowel movements: E-I-E-I-O.
Just been prescribed some anti-gloating cream.
I can't wait to rub it in.
Why to Minnesotans order their whiskey neat?
No ICE
I forgot to hire an editor for my puzzle book…
It was riddled with errors.
I was gonna tell all of you a joke about mixing Helium with other elements, but then I decided not to . . .
I knew I wouldn’t get a reaction
I've trained my dog to bring me red wine
She's a Bordeaux Collie.
What does a potato do when he needs a ride?
Calls a Tūber.
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