My suspicious wife asked how our lawn stays vibrantly green all year while the neighbors’ turn brown every winter. I said, “Well, I could try to convince you that I actually understand soil composition, or how I mastered the watering schedule all while studying mower blade sharpening techniques…”
“…but I dye grass.”
I accidentally handed my girlfriend the glue stick instead of the chapstick
She still isn’t speaking to me
Multiple reports claiming Sting has been kidnapped
The Police still have no lead.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet?
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.
How did Jesus do on his final exam?
He nailed it
I just found out I am colorblind
This news really came out of the purple.
I told my wife that I was going to make a car out of spaghetti and she didn't believe me, but you should have seen her face when I drove pasta...
She was so shocked that she left me, and now I'm cannelloni.
Why did Winnie the Pooh burn himself taking pizza out of the oven?
Because he used his bear hands.
I went to the doctor because I couldn’t wake my feet up.
His diagnosis? They’re coma toes
There’s a company that only tows Nissans
They’re called Head and Shoulders - Nissan Tows
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and lobster with a boob job?
One is a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean
Did you hear about the farmers that want a government bailout?They want money for nothing and their chickens for free.
Guess those farmers are in dire straits.
My daughter said she was starting to like my beard.
I knew she was lying when she told me it was growing on her.
What does scooby doo say after praying?
Ramen
Lame joke of the day...
what is a vampire's favorite bloody drink?
...B positive.
😄
What is a magnet’s favorite music genre?
Heavy metal.
I’ve just finished reading a book called “how to clear leaves from your lawn”
By Ray King
What plants like Halloween the most?
Bam-BOO!
My wife and I still have chemistry.
Unfortunately, at our age, most of it involves antacids and prescription medications.
When my son's goldfish died, I offered to get him another one just like it.
He said, "Why would I want two dead goldfish?"
I once dated a crossed eyed girl but had to end it,
she was seeing someone else on the side.
Why do pandas get confused after they eat?
Because they just got bamboozled!
Once upon a time, there lived a king who was only 12 inches tall...
He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.
Someone broke into my new limbo store and stole everything
My business is going under.
If you can choose what kind of tree you’re going to fall out of, what kind should you choose?
A short one!
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