Mick Jagger once tried to become a math teacher, but he didn’t last very long.
Apparently, he couldn’t get no stats or fractions.
The internet connection at the farm is really sketchy, so the farmer moved the modem to the barn.
Now they have stable wifi.
Son: "Dad, today I watched someone do 50 pushups, do you think could you do that?"
Dad: "of course son, don't want to brag but I could probably watch someone do 100 push-ups"
My wife read a draft of a mystery novel I'm working on. She goes, "I don't get it... in chapter two you randomly wrote 'shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow'... what the hell does that even mean??"
I'm like, "Babe... it's called four-shadowing."
My uncle has a stutter and went to prison…
I’m afraid he’ll never finish his sentence
Why vampires don't cause unwanted pregnancies?
Because they can't come inside uninvited!
I was about to ask two leopards to switch seats with me and my wife
My wife said don’t bother, they never change their spots.
I just found out that my father’s will says that if he’s ever hospitalized, I get to decide where he goes on the stretcher.
Apparently, that gives me power of a gurney.
My son hit me with a Dad Joke so strong I had to sit down.So I’m making breakfast this morning and I ask my son,
“Want scrambled or fried?”
He looks me dead in the eye and says:
“Whichever one is egg‑cellent, father.”
Microsoft is bundling Microsoft Flight Simulator with Copilot
It's a really boring game now called "Microsoft Passenger."
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Doesn’t matter. She ain’t gonna come anyway.
I was told that you could view a solar eclipse through a colander.
I tried it and ended up straining my eyes.
I gave my daughter a locket for her sixteenth birthday.
Now she is independent.
An accident at the Kodak factory has exposed millions of dollars worth of film to light rendering it worthless.
More details as they develop.
What happens if you slide down a grassy hill in Spain?
You get a gracias.
A wizard asked me to proof read one of his scrolls last week.
Actually, it was more of a spell check
Our town legalized pot but banned alcohol.Our town legalized pot but banned alcohol.
Residents are left high and dry.
Adam and Eve
were the first humans to ignore Apple’s terms and conditions.
My Dad's breakfastIf I had some ham, I could make ham and eggs
...if I had some eggs
(Something my real Dad used to say)
Mary and Joseph quickly realized that Jesus was divine.
He could finish a carpentry project without going back to Home Depot one single time.
What did the goat midwife say when asked what she did for a living?
Just kidding.
Which Gilligan’s Island castaway used to ditch school?
The Skipper
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
Doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
I saw a little old mouse wearing a Guy Fawkes mask in Little Italy the other day, walking around with some younger mice
I have to assume she was a nonna mouse.
What do you call a cow with Tourette’s?
Beef jerky
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