My wife asked if I could explain what a double entendre is.
I said "i'll fill you in."
Judge: "It's the tenth time now, you're stealing the same board game from the same toy shop. Why are you doing this?"
Defendant: "I guess I just love taking Risks?"
A guy walks into my auto shop and says, “Can you change a tire? I’ve got a massive flat.”
I said, “Sorry Sir… these are the only clothes I brought with me, but I’d still love to see your spacious apartment.”
What do you call it when a McDonald’s employee has to work two shifts in a row?
A McDouble.
Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson are merging.
The new company is called Titty Titty Bang Bang.
What does a pig use to get clear skin?
Oinkment
What do you get when you crossbreed a cow and an octopus?
A stern rebuke from your university's ethics board and an immediate cessation of funding.
37. The invisible man married an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
I hired a kid to paint my porch, when he came back to my front door hours later to get paid…
He informed me it was a BMW, not a Porsche.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
I invited a bunch a friends over to smoke some weed & to check out the new bath towels I bought on Amazon. No one showed up
They left me high & dry
What do you call a truck with a backfiring engine?
A hiccup truck.
What do you call a romcom where the man chooses the girl because she's the only one around?
The Default in Our Stars
My dog pays me rent for sleeping in the spare room.
He's a boarder collie
How much does a Pirate pay for his corn?
A Buccaneer!!
What do you call a duck on drugs?
A Quackhead
What do you say to a woman with a small but growing baby bump?
“It’s becoming apparent that you’re becoming a parent”
Why would witches prefer a five-speed to an automatic transmission?
Because they're used to driving a stick.
A man walks into a bar with a small newt on his shoulder. The bartender said, “What an interesting pet. What’s his name?” “Tiny,” the man replied. The bartender said, “That’s an odd name. Why did you call him Tiny?”
“Because he’s my newt.”
I heard the electrician got an award for saving another electrician.
He was absolutely shocked.
why did the pterodactyl cross the road?so no one would hear its p.
told by my 7 year old niece.
bonus :
why did the pterodactyl cross the road?
a: it wasn't peeling well.
I told my wife I’m disappointed in how tight all her skirts and blouses are.
She said, “Then lose some weight.”
Why couldn’t the little pig finish her letter to Santa?
Her pen ran out of oink. lol
Accidentally drank invisible ink…
I’m now in the hospital, waiting to be seen.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
"If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
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