I bought a world map,took it home,gave my wife a dart and said
''Where you land the dart,I'm taking you on holiday.''Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge
A pregnant woman expecting twins fell into a coma. While she was unconscious, she gave birth. When she finally woke up, the doctors told her that everything went fine and her brother had named the babies.She panicked and said, “Oh no… my brother is an idiot. What did he name them?”
The doctor said, “Well, for the girl, he chose Denise.”
She sighed in relief. “Okay… that’s actually not bad. What about the boy?”
The doctor replied:
“…Denephew.”
One Sunday the pastor took a tangent from his sermon, asking the 3 men in the row right up front what they would like to hear their loved ones say, as they gazed down upon his open coffin.Bill: "That I was good husband and father."
John: "That I lived a life of kindness to others."
Dan: "Hey, look! He's moving!"
Breaking News: today a man was shot with a starting pistol then severely beaten with a relay baton;
Investigators believe that it was a race related attack
Please be patient while I figure out who stole your telescope.
I’m looking into it.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
How does a train eat?
It goes chew, chew!
We combined the DNA of a Cheetah with the DNA of a Crab...
... Things went sideways really fast!
Been to 12 european countries and got in bar fights in many
But in india i had no beef with anyone
Loud ammunition is better for hunting deer
That way you get more bang for your buck
Told my wife I saw a wolf on the way in to work today
She asked where, I said no, it was just the regular kind
I just moved twenty cents from my left pocket to my right.
It was a pair o’ dime shift
I used to sell Prayer mats as trampolines
Prophets are going through the roof
What do you get when you add another side to a triangle?
A wrecked-angle!
Check this one out
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I told my friend he'd make a great father; I have a sixth sense
I see dad people
A couple of scientists are stood in front of a cloning machine…
One says ‘I have no idea how this works’ the other replies ‘that makes 2 of us’
How do you get down from an Elephant?
You don't, you get down from a Duck.
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer this morning
I dunno what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
If my b's sounding like v's makes me sound Russian
Soviet
I changed the voice on my GPS to Bono from U2.
Now i'm in a city of blinding lights, the streets have no name and i still haven't found what i'm looking for.
She said, “We’re going on Weight Watchers!”
I said, “I AM watching my weight. I watched it go from 150 to 160 to 170 to…”
Why does Sideshow Bob work at a pub?
Because he wanted to be a Bart-ender.
So I told myself I should stop drinking..
But I'm not going to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.
What do you call an American-Russian with an eye for money?
Nickel Eye
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