Rofkar Computer Sciences

My wife wants to use kilometers instead of miles but still use inches instead of centimeters.
I told her I wouldn't meter halfway.

did you hear about the guy who dunked his balls in glitter?
pretty nuts.

Just as Count Dracula was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open and a host of furious villagers stormed in, waving blazing torches and shouting dire threats.
The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from
them.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid citizen of some fifty years, but looking older, as though wracked by years of grief.
“For your many crimes against the people, we have come to bring you judgment!"

The dread vampire lord gave a low, mocking laugh. "Buffoon!" he snorted, "there is nothing you can or dare do to me!"

"You are wrong," declared the burgomaster. "We have prepared well -- aided by the wise advice of our honored visitor -- and it is you who will find there is nothing you can do. We have garlic, mirrors,
the Holy Crucifix, the Host, the holy water and a specially large axe prepared for you. Seize him!"

At once the Count was seized by the brawny arms of half a dozen of the townsfolk, while the crowd parted to reveal a particularly burly man, head shrouded in a hood of black velvet and who was holding
a massive headsman's axe firmly in his two knotted hands.

Screaming in rage, the Count was swiftly pinioned with his head on the block as the burgomaster leaned forward, his face creased in pain and fury.

"Your time is come, monster! Only one thing can save you now - the location of all the treasure you have plundered from our town over the centuries!"

Despite the danger of his perilous position Dracula laughed "So we come to the true purpose of this charade -- pure naked greed. You will get no treasure from me!"

"Then your head shall be cut off
on the count of three," answered the the burgomaster. "Headsman, raise your axe, and prepare to strike."

"You are bluffing!" sneered the Count. "The treasure is where you will never find it!"

"One"

"Cut my head off and the treasure is lost for ever!"

"Two"

"I defy you, burgomaster! I defy you!"

"Three!"

"Wait! It is in the --"

Even as the vampire's nerve broke, the heavy axe was swinging down and could not be halted, and with one clean strike the headsman took off Count Dracula's head.

There was a gasp from the crowd at the realization that in another second they would have known where the treasure was, but the burgomaster drew himself up.

"Have no fear," he said, "we have ample leisure to search, and we are sure to find the treasure with care and patience."

He could not, however, suppress a slight flicker of apprehension at the thought that the Count might have told the truth.

And so it proved when a month later he was forced to admit it after they had turned over every stone in Castle Dracula, with never a sign of the treasure.

van Helsing nodded philosophically. “I feared it would be so," he said. "You see, you should never hatchet your Count before he chickens."

A King and a Queen walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and says...

"Sorry, but you're not 21."

One evening a farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed two buckets to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of it.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The farmer frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator.”

My French friend doesn't like his passort. Under "Place of birth", it says:
Born: Toulouse.

I used to be able to play the guitar by ear
Nowadays I just play with my hands.

Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the alphabet was?…
…it was a complete guess, but I was right!

I just won $1 billion in the lottery and gave a quarter of it to charity!
I don’t yet know how I’m going to spend the other $999,999,999.75, though.

My dishwasher is making this high pitched whining noise.
Probably because I'm not helping her with the laundry.

I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant…
.. but then I changed my mind

I highly recommend Nolan’s new film.
You really Odyssey it.

I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger
Then it hit me

I was attacked with a bowling ball, but I'm ok....
My life was spared....

Before I married her, I took my missus on eight dates, and then we went to the cinema for our ninth. Our dates were...
Dinner. Dinner. Dinner. Dinner. Dinner. Dinner. Dinner. Dinner. Batman.

Where do bad rainbows go?
​

To prism.

It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.

Apparently the “W” fell off the door for the women’s restroom.
It's not a good sign

Had to report due to spelling correction sabotage.

What does a robot do after a one-night stand?
He nuts and bolts

Why didn't the dyslexic mathematician trust his guardian angel?
He felt he was too obtuse

The United States decided to switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There was MASS confusion.

The label came off one of my paint cans.
It’s prolly urethane

Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy. I think he's my...
...spirit guide.

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.

I’ve always had a strong desire to make shows for television .
But I never acted on it.

I finally completed rehab for my word-choice problem.
It was my hardest fought battle with a diction.