When is a Door, not a Door?
When it is Ajar...
I was very upset when my wife told me our son wasn't mine.
Then she said I should pay more attention when I pick the kids up from school.
TRUE Story. I was a massage therapist for several years. Had a client that owned horses.She apologized for coming right from the barn to her appointment. I said, "No problem, climb up and I will take you from Farm to Table. "
She laughed on and off thru the entire hour.
What do you call an obese psychic?
a four-chin teller.
Why do chicken coops have only 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 they'd be chicken sedans.
There’s a guy at work who constantly criticizes my understanding of binary logic.
He’s always Boolean me!
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.The bartender says, “You look like you’ve got a lot on your mind.” The man replies, “Yeah… I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament.” The bartender asks, “How’d it go?” The man sighs,
“Terrible. Good players are hard to find.”
Where does a king keep his armies?
In his sleevies
Why are there no eye doctors in the chain of Alaskan Islands?
They're just optical Aleutians.
Both sides of the aisle...I love politically incorrect jokes... this is one of my faves...
Benjamin Franklin was a great American President.
What do you call a helicopter with an ejection seat?
A Chopper
I just dumped some Adderall in my Ford Fiesta’s gas tank..
now it’s a Ford Focus.
A friend of mine got married on a plane mid-flight
It didn't last though. The court said there were no grounds for the marriage.
Which search engine does Super Mario use?
Yahoo!
What do you call a 4'11" psychic on the run from the cops?
A small medium at large!
Famous stock trader
Jack Thompson was the most famous stock trader on Wall Street. His funds had made money, in good markets and bad, for decades. Finally ready to retire, he was going to reveal his secrets in an exclusive interview. “What are your tricks?” asked the reporter. “Years ago I noticed that nearly all stocks have a tiny uptick at exactly 12 o'clock.” It doesn't matter what stock you buy,” Jack said. “Any stock?” asked the reporter. “Yes, my whole secret is to buy stocks at precisely 12 o'clock and then sell them precisely one second later.” And that’s how he became known as Jack of all trades, master of noon.
I have a horse called Mayo.Sometimes, Mayo neighs.
My 12 year old told us at the dinner table tonight.
What do you call a cheap vampire
Dis-count Dracula
People say I'm mad for the way I deal with garden waste.
But I tell them I'm very much compost mentis
What happens when a microbiologist drops a Petri dish?
Severe culture shock.
One for your horse obsessed children / niblings & familyQ: What did the shorter horse say to the taller horse when it was trying to reach some fruit just a little too high for her?
A: I need a hand
For the not horse people: Horses heights are measured in hands. One hand is 10cm or about 4 inches, and hands are always measured to the horse's shoulder.
Bouncer at a nightclub
Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the roof of an 18th floor nightclub was not a bouncer.
What's the best thing about knock-knock jokes?
They all start with a pair of knockers.
What does Donald T smell like ?
Depends.
How do you make gold soup?
With 24 carrots.
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