Rofkar Computer Sciences

A man drives his boat out to sea to a nearby fishing spot.
He catches a fish on the very first cast. When he pulls it in, the fish begins talking to him.

“I could hear your boat coming 10 minutes ago. This is because sound travels four times faster in seawater than air. Researchers say this is also why whales can communicate hundreds of miles apart.”

The fisherman says, “Wow, you’re a really intelligent fish!”

The fish says, “I’m really here to distract you from catching the rest of my family. Because I’m a read herring.”

On his deathbed, my grandfather said, “Remember these two words. They’ll open a lot of doors for you in life.”
"Push and Pull."

I Finally Cracked the Illusive 3 Word Joke (my personal record for shortest joke)
“Watches are handy”

I like it because you get a triple play on the handy: handy as in convenient, handy as in the watch has hands, and handy as in a wrist is near your hand, making it “handy”.

Anyway, do you have any 3 word jokes or shorter? This is my personal record, but I love joke craft so hit me with em.

🚨BREAKING: Iran just torpedoed its own submarine in the Strait of Hormuz, killing all 100 sailors on board.
Oops… wrong sub.

yeah

A reproductive health clinic has a sign that reads
For family planning and contraception, come through the back door

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

The woman who fell from the cruise ship has been identified.
Her name: Eileen Dover

just got hospitalized for being cringe.
they put me in the awk ward.

I put a matchbox car in my underwear this morning
It's been driving me nuts all day

Why can’t you send a duck to outer space?
Because the bill would be astronomical.

Can one of the Mods please explain to me why my post was removed?
I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....

Did you know horses have a low divorce rate?
It’s because they have a stable home environment

Did you know that any time two Egyptology professors are in the same room, they fart simultaneously?
It's the curse of Toot-in-Common

What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time.

Military officers make up a lot of cover stories, but they're not all liars
There's a colonel of truth.

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.

If you watched a World Cup game earlier in the tournament, you can skip the final.
Once you’ve seen one you’ve seen Yamal.

So there's a farm with a barn.
Inside the barn is a horse, a chicken, and a cow. They're the best of friends. Just hanging out. One day the horse proclaims "guys I'm bored. I think I'm gonna learn a instrument."

"The cow and chicken look at him perplexed.

"But...you're a horse man, what could you possibly play?" Asked the cow.

The horse picks up a music magazine and looks through it.

"I think I'm gonna learn guitar".

So he picks up a phone and calls the music store.

A man answers and asks what he needs.

"I wanna learn guitar" says the horse.

"Well come on down I'll teach you myself"

Replies the shop owner.

"Well there's just one problem...."

"What's that?"

"I'm a horse."

".....not a problem come on down."

The horse goes to the shop. He finds a nice guitar he likes and the shop owner teaches him.

The horse goes back to the barn. And he shreds the guitar like no ones business. He awesome.

This sparks a bit of envy and inspiration in the cow. So he picks up the magazine and calls up the shop. The shop man answers.

"Can I do ya for today?"

"Yes I'm looking to learn bass"

"Well come on down I can help you with that"

"There's just one problem....I'm a cow"

".....not a problem if I can teach a horse guitar I can teach a cow bass."

The cow goes down to the shop. And the man teaches him bass. The cow goes back to the barn. Now him and the horse are vibing and jamming.

The chicken now feeling inspired and left out picks up the magazine. He can't decide on an instrument. So he calls the shop.

"Can I do ya for today?"

"Yeah I wanna learn an instrument but I don't know what. I just know it can't be guitar or bass."

"Well ..what about keyboard?"

"Mmmm nah"

"Triangle?"

"Nah"

"Tamborine?, drums? Violin? Flute?"

"Drums sound pretty awesome actually"

Well come on down and I'll help ya out."

"There's just one problem... I'm a chicken."

"That's not a problem at all. If I can teach a horse guitar, and a cow bass, I can definitely teach a chicken the drums"

Chicken goes down. And the dude teaches him drums.

Chicken heads back and now him, the horse and the cow are all just jamming. It's awesome. The greatest sound you can imagine whatever it may be. They play it.

One day a big shot music producer is driving down the road nearby and he happens to hear them jamming out. So he pulls over to find the perfect sound. He pulls up to the barn where they are jamming the hell out. And he walks in and is just taken back in awe. They stop and he just gives praise. He's talking em up and saying they could be the biggest sound ever. Horse on guitar? Cow on bass? Chicken on drums? This is perfect. And y'all sound amazing I wanna sign y'all right now. Next week I want y'all in England.

Naturally they are pumped. They never thought anything would come of it.

2 days before the flight. The horse gets a call. His mother is sick. And it's not looking great. So he talks to his best friends and the producer and they agree to wait on him.

So the horse departs and goes to his sickly mom. Days and weeks go by and she just keeps getting worse.

But events turn and she gets better . He stays with her till she's well. And he calls up his friends and they will be on the first flight out. The horse can catch the next one and they will all meet in England.

The energy is high and everyone is excited.

The horse is halfway to the airport when he gets a call from the producer.

There was an accident at take off. The chicken and cow died ina freak accident with the engines on the plane exploding.

The producer goes on to explain that without them there is no band. And therefore, no deal.

The horse is distraught. He's all sorts of messed up. So he calls his mom for some comfort. Only to find that she died a few hours ago. Shortly after he left.

The horse sits alone for a week. Mulling obsessively over the tragic events. Angry. Depressed. He can't cope anymore and just says "fudge it. I'm going to get drunk. I can't take it anymore"

So the horse heads to town. And walks into the bar and sits down. He orders 2 double whiskeys.

Barkeep walks up to him and sets his glasses down and pours em.

The barkeep looks at the horse.

"Hey man, why the long face"

Did you hear about the Pharmacist who spilled Pepto Bismol on the floor?
He got the pink slip.

My barber told me some terrible news. He said he couldn't cut my hair any longer...
He said he could only cut it shorter.

What’s worse than raining cats & dogs?
Hailing taxis.

A test of your marine knowledge
What creature of pure logic lives at the bottom of the ocean?

A Spocktopus

Did you hear about the My Heart Will Go On singer getting hit over the head with a vase?
Por celain

I don’t know why McDonald’s always get my cheeseburger order wrong when I ask them to hold the onions.
Every single time. There are no onions on my burger, and they’re standing there only holding the receipt.