My son asked me "Where does poo come from?"I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
What are you at risk for if you have sex in a coffin?
A funereal disease.
I ate someone else's Middle Eastern dinner
I falafel about it.
Walking out of the bathroom...I asked my daughter if she had a candle.
She said yes, why?
Because I'm a little lighter.
I just broke up with my communist girlfriend.
I should have seen the red flags.
I going to build an informational web site about Hip Hop Music.
It will be a Wikki-Wikki-Wikki page.
Lamps.
What do you call a medieval lamp ?
A knight light.
I didn’t want to believe that my son was stealing from his new job at the department of transportation
But when i got home, there were many signs
What's another name for Dracula's castle in Transylvania?
The Vampire State Building.
Why does Yoda like sheep?
Cuz Dagobah. (They go baa!) I will see myself out.
Calling a Pizza shopMe: Hello do you deliver?
Pizza guy: yes we deliver.
Me: I’d like one large pizza.
Pizza guy: one large pizza.
Me: with Liver and pineapple.
Pizza guy: what don’t do liver and pineapple on a pizza.
Me: well you said you do liver.
Pizza guy: I said we deliver you bastard!!
I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with.
I’ve been tripping all day.
What do you get when you combine Mother Superior’s wardrobe with a Sears battery?
Old habits Diehard
What do you call pairs of slacks that play sports?
Partici-pants!
There are rumors, that Elon Musk will buy "Jack Daniels".
I think that would be a whiskey investment.
I thought the ice was safe, but I was wrong.
Now you know what I've been through.
I told my wife I bought her a hoodie that says “DAD JOKES.” She rolled her eyes. “You can’t be serious.”
I said, “Babe, relax… I got you the perfect sighs.”
How do you get the council to do a repair?
Tell them you're going for a nap
Why do reggae singers hate going to prison?
Because they dread locks
When I got divorced, my wife and I fought over who would get the weed.
In the end, the judge gave us both joint custody
What does a dog see when he looks in the mirror?
God
My wife told me she wanted to go on a boat.
I placed a bath boat in the toilet, she wasn't impressed.
Farmer Mike put corn husks in the frame of his truck to help reduce the bouncing.
He calls them his shuck absorbers.
The snowman went to the garden.
He wanted to pick his nose.
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