A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his penis. The bartender asks him “Is that a steering wheel on your penis?”
The pirate replies, “Aaaar, yes! It’s driving me nuts!”
Why did Aladdin get banned from the race?
Because of his performance enhancing rugs
I overheard my Mum say the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex.I burst in through the bedroom door saying, "Can I have a new bike?"
Dad was very upset. But his secretary was surprisingly nice about it.
Yes, I got the bike.
I think the girl at the airline's check-in just threatened me
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?” I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
I was at a job interview and they asked me how I perform under pressure.
Not very well but I can absolutely kill it on Bohemian Rhapsody.
When my wife was giving birth, the doctor came in and said, ‘I’ll be the one to deliver the baby.’ I said, no thank you…
We’d like our baby to keep its liver.
Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn for 24 hours.
So they called it a day.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called "dentures"
They really missed an opportunity to call them "substitooths"
I would tell a chemistry joke, but
all the good ones argon.
GF: Why did you buy a fake dog turd?
Me: You said we needed sham poo.
What has 5 toes and isn't your foot?
My foot.
what's every flea's favorite book?
The itchiker's guide to the galaxy
As we were getting into bed last night I asked my wife if she wanted to spoon.She told me to "Fork off."
That's not very knife.
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck the bartender was almost crushed to death.
I was told I would be no good at poetry because I'm dyslexic
So far I've made 3 jugs and a vase
I've invented a golf ball that will go in the hole if it gets within 4 inches
Note to self: DO NOT put them in back pocket
Why does America’s foot hurt?
Because it has palantir fascists.
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails.When the police show up, they ask him what happened.
The shaken turtle replies, “I just don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
What drink goes well with an MRE?
Camo meal tea
Why did the cast of The Little Mermaid need singing lessons?
Because they kept performing Under the “C” (Sea) —and falling flat!
Two parrot parents began moulting, and told their baby to start too. The baby crossed its wings and said, "Why should I?" The parents said:
"Because we shed so!"
Have you ever run into a mountain lion?
No, but I once came across a hill that told a few tall tales.
Why did the tiger break up with the leopard?
The leopard was actually a cheetah.
Why did the ants dance on the jam jar lid?
It said twist to open
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
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