When my grandfather turned 65 he started walking 5 miles a day..
He's 90 now and we have no idea where he is.
My 5 year old nephew came up to me with an outstretched hand holding an acorn. "Uncle, what's this?" he asks.
"That? That's a tree!" I replied "This is a tree?" he asks with a wrinkled look. "Yeah, in a nutshell!" I said.
Someone born in '33 was 45 in '78.
That's got to be a record.
What word becomes longer when you remove two letters?
Longerer.
Remember when botox used to be kinda taboo?
Now nobody even raises an eyebrow.
What starts with the letter 'F' and ends in 'uck'?...What starts with the letter 'F' and ends in 'uck'?..
Firetruck.
My Son: What starts with a D, ends with an F and is going to ruin my weekend.
My report card.
I saw a woman who had March Madness teeth.
Down to the final four.
Light travels faster than sound.
That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
'Ell if I know
Dad jokes
.. are how eyeroll.
I swallowed a bunch of synonyms today.
I got thesaurus throat I've ever had.
I recently bought lots of Beatles records
Someone said I need help but I already have it
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel…
But can’t figure out why My dates are always upset when I tell them I'm a bus driver!?
You never hear about railroad winners or losers
only railroad ties
What does a silly goose say?Quack quack!
(Thought up by my 2 year old.)
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago
it just took Death until today to build up the courage to tell him.
Which breakfast food has life figured out?
The plancake
What do you call a small child who gets an advantage to having day time sleeps because of their parent?
A napo baby
What type of alcohol would Hitler not drink?
Soju
A dude pulls out three different grits of sandpaper, 200, 400, and 800, and promptly starts eating them. His buddy, horrified, asks, what are you doing?!
He replies, it's a three-coarse meal...
Why are giraffe necks so long?
Because their heads are so far away from their bodies!
Chuck Norris once killed 20 men with a single grenade throw.
He still keeps the grenade on his nightstand as a souvenir.
Did you hear about the young butterfly who spent all its time volunteering around town?
It was a caterpillar of the community.
When Chuck Norris got to heaven
Saint Peter didn’t ask, “Are you on the list?”, instead he asked, “Would you like to review it?”
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Quote
"God grants liberty only to those who love it, and are always ready to guard and defend it." - Daniel Webster Speech, June 3, 1834
