Rofkar Computer Sciences

9 year old "Hey Dad, I have a pun for you"
"Ooh what is it"?

9 year old "It's like a joke, where you play with words".

I JUST GOT LESLIE NIELSENED BY MY OWN CHILD.

I got robbed today and called the police
The cop asked if I had a descripion of the assailant. I said "yes, it's pump number 5."

What do you call a small river that separates two groups of bovine prostitutes?
The strait of whore moos.

edit: And yes, I am a father. Try the veal. Best in the state.

My friend walked through the airport holding a basketball.
He was travelling.

What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.

Why are dogs bad dancers?
They have two left feet

I got a refrigerator for my wife today
It was a good trade

Knock knock.
Who's there?

Atch.

Atch who?

Gesundheit.

Somebody threw a beer at Donald Trump today
Don't worry, it was a draft. He was able to dodge it.

I have a scarely math joke
I'm 2² to tell it

Some people think the postal department is the best.
That's just mail chauvinism

I finally got a job at a bakery.
Because I kneaded dough.

How do you determine the sex of an ant?
You drop it in water.

If it sinks, it’s a girl.

If it’s floats, it a buoy ant.

How does a frog reach high places?
It uses a toadstool!

I’ve been told I’m condescending
That means I talk down to people

My wife just left me.
She says my life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset.

We were together for 7 seasons.

I had a fling with a lady janitor, she was always stoned so I had to break it off with her...
I'm just not into high maintenance women!

Just for St Patrick’s Day
Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing their children…

Englishman: As a proud Englishman, I was very pleased that my son was born on St George’s Day. Of course, we named him George.

Scotsman: That’s interesting, my son was born on St Andrew’s day and naturally he was christened Andrew.

Irishman: This is an incredible coincidence, but it was exactly the same with my son Pancake.

Had triple pane, tinted, windows installed in my house last April.
Get mail every couple of weeks, figure I'm on the mailing list and trash them unopened. Owner of the company called all angry! "We keep sending the bill for your new windows and you haven't sent us payment yet ". I said, "the salesman told me that they would pay for themselves in a year, chill out man".

Why do they call them “civil wars?”
After all, there’s nothing civilized about them!

I love hearing that joke about the immortal cow
It never gets old

How do you get rid of a varmint in Hungary?
You Budapest.

How do you know when a democracy has become impotent?
When it can no longer maintain an election

On vacation my wife said she wanted to go to the new indoor shopping centre
I said "why? If you've seen one you've seen the mall."

Bananas.
A recent study showed that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time late a monkey.