My wife beamed with pride and said "I never thought our son would go so far!".
I said, "Yeah this trebuchet thing is amazing! Go get our daughter."
I asked my wife, if I was the only one she'd ever been with. She said yes.
All the others had been nine or tens.
I gave my three-year-old a book of puns for his birthday, but my wife snatched it away, saying, “You can’t give this to a toddler!”
Apparently, it’s a joking hazard.
The time I finally got my sonHe’s 30, and constsntly getting me on stupid thing like “deez nutz”. I say summer… “summer deez nutz”. I say Aldi… “Aldi-s nuts”. Been goin on for years.
When we bought our house, we got stools for the island that exactly matched our China cabinet and buffet. He asked how we did it. I told him on this one website you can get a chip of the stained wood sent to you so you can see if it matches. He says “Wos, that’s a great idea”
I look at him with a big grin and say “Yeah… they call it a… STOOL SAMPLE”
I was excited to watch the origami world championship on TV
But it turns out that it’s only on paper view
Sometimes the universe just hands you a punchlineI was in the kitchen with my 16-year-old daughter, who wanted to learn to bake. I opened the flour and lo and behold it's got bugs.
I said to her, these are weevils.
She said, "I thought weevils were bigger."
I said, "You're thinking of the boll weevil," and then inspiration struck. "These are the lesser of the two weevils." 💀☠️👻
Mick Jagger’s coming for lunch later
I’m doing him a spiced lamb and couscous bap. I know it’s only a Moroccan roll, but he likes it
I was bored last night, so I texted my ex…
I said, “Are you free tonight?”
She replied, “Yes”
I said, “See, nobody likes you.”
I told my wife I was going to start jogging every morning.She said, “Great. When are you starting?”
I said, “Tomorrow.”
She said, “You said that yesterday.”
I said, “Exactly. I’m already consistent.”
According to a poll that was recently conducted
The lightning rod works
What is a snakes favorite subject?
Hiss-tory.
Jokes aren’t funny when you explain them
And I’ll tell you why
My son was in bad shape after his girlfriend dumped him, so I bought him a Playstation and an Xbox.
That really helped console him.
My four year old nephew has been learning Spanish for a few months now
He can only say please. That’s poor for four
I tried to write a joke about premature ejaculation…
but I finished too early.
I keep having this terrifying dream that I’m stuck on ice and people keep throwing stones at me
It’s a recurling nightmare
I remember once when my son ran away
When he came back, I took him for a walk so we could talk. He pointed to some roadkill and asked me what it was. “Carrion, my wayward son.”
The guy who cheated to win a Broadway Theatre award was arrested last night as he was enjoying a pasta meal.
Rigatoni
What did the beaver say when the tree fell?
DAM!!!!
You know why I don’t like steps?
They have bad stairring problems
CIA loses track of an OperativeThe CIA lost track of its operative Murphy in Ireland. The CIA director said, “All I can tell you is his name is Murphy & he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” If it’s really him, he’ll answer, “Yes, and for mist at noon as well.”
The operative went to Ireland & stopped in a bar in a small town. He said to the barman, “Maybe you can help me. I’m looking for a guy named Murphy.”
The bartender replied, “You’re going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There’s Murphy the Baker who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There’s Murphy the Banker who’s president of our local savings bank. There’s Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too.”
Hearing this, the operative figured he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he said, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ”
The bartender replied, “Oh, you’re looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street."
When the chair was invented, his assistant wanted to know what it did
He replied, “Alright, I’ll tell you, but you might want to sit down for this.”
I went to the theatreI went to the theatre the other day to watch a performance about puns.
It was a play on words.
I bought a belt made entirely out of watches...
It was a complete waist of time.
What do beavers make such great banking executives?
They're great at running the branches
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