My uncle told me that women with small breasts aren’t good singers.
They’re always flat.
Husband: There's broken condoms on the couch
Wife: Stop calling the kids that.
Call them by their names.
I haven't spoken to my wife in four years.
I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!
When I get a dog I'm going to name him five miles.
So I can say I walk five miles every day.
My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter.
They said only mails work here.
Why did the orphan go to Olive Garden?
Because when you're there, you're family
What's the difference between light and hard?
I can sleep with a light on
A Teenage daughter is being intimate with her boyfriend...And her dad walks in.
"Dad I'm sorry" says the girl.
"Hi sorry I'm Dad" says the dad.
The dad then turns to her boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"
Why do chickens only make one sound?
Cause they can't think outside the bawks.
My 8 year old had a nightmare that he was being eaten by our vacuum cleaner.
I said, “That’s a terrible way to Dyson.”
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in roman numerals?
I M LIVID
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic
But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord
What did one saggy boob said to the other saggy boob?
-If we don't get some support soon, people are gonna think we are nuts!
As my son prepared for his quiz on middle east geography, I looked over his shoulder and said, "It doesn't seem like you're ready."
He responded, "Trust me. I've got this one in the Baghdad."
A Husband and Wife went shopping together just before Christmas...The wife quickly noticed that her husband was missing, and because they had a lot to do, she called him on his mobile phone.
After the husband picked up the phone, his wife said,
"Where are you? You know we have lots to do!"
He said, "You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."
Little tears started to flow down her cheeks, and she got all choked up and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop!!!" she replied.
"Well, I am in the yoyo shop next door to that.
I accidentally ate invisible ink.
I’m now I’m in the hospital waiting to be seen .
I got drunk one night then walked through a field.
It was full of chiggers. They took one bite of me then jumped off. Turns out chiggers can't be boozers.
I turned my girlfriend into computer code and compilied her
Now she's my .exe-girlfriend.
My wife is always accusing me of having a favorite child.
It's not true, i love Daniel and Not-Daniel equally.
Why can’t Popeye’s enemies ever predict whether he’s bought spinach?
Because no one expects the spinach acquisition.
I abstained from using spreadsheet apps for 40 days.
It was excellent.
Do you know the bird of love ?
The swallow
What do you call a spider that has 8 eyes?
Spyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyder
Any good flan puns/dad jokes?
the best i could come up with was, how did the flan cross the road? it flan across (because flan sound like, ran, and as i’m typing this i’m realising i’m really unfunny and should stop making jokes)
There’s a new superhero who can recite all the prime numbers!
He’s called “The Indivisible Man.”
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