Political opinions are like dicks
It’s okay to have them, just don’t shove them down people’s throats.
How is a handwritten letter like a lazy dog?
A handwritten letter is an ink lined plane.
An inclined plane is a slope up.
A slow pup is a lazy dog.
At dinner, I asked my date if she was religious. She said she was still deciding because the Baptists wanted her to join, but so did the Catholics, an Orthodox Jewish congregation, and even a Hindu temple.
I said, “Wow… You clearly have some serious sects appeal.”
Tried to park my car up in a residential area. One of the people that lived there shouted over to me “you can’t park here unless you have a felt frog on your windscreen”
Apparently, I needed a parking Kermit.
My wife is mad because every time she farts I hold a lighter up to her butt.
She says I need to stop gaslighting her.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with wearing a different t-shirt every hour.
I said, “Wait, I can change.”
I'm thinking about breeding racing deer.
I'm looking to make a quick buck...
I'm heartbroken because my car is missing from the garage where I parked it last night.
It's a red Ford Escape
What’s the difference between Indian & Vietnamese cuisine?
One’s Nan-profit while the other is Pho-profit
The gap between rungs on a ladder keeps increasing as the world's population keeps growing taller and taller. This phenomenom is officially known as...
Climb-It Change.
I’ve heard a way of avoiding the winter weight gain is to wear gloves. Making it harder to hold calorific items.
Some might even say I’m into mitten fasting.
Some idiot threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me!!!!!
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.
My mother worked 12 hours every day just to put food on the table.
Amazing woman, but slowest cook ever.
My friend opened the fridge and a bag of pumped breastmilk fell out.
"Oh, sorry!" I said. "The fridge is boobie-trapped!"
I went out for a meal and ordered the Rabbit stew.
I had to return it. It had a hare in it.
Did you hear about Willy Nelson getting hit by a car?
He was playing On The Road Again
What kid of trousers does a ghost hunter wear?
Just a paranormal jeans
Old McDonald had a farm. E I, E I, O
New McDonald had a data farm
AI, AI, O
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian“Do you have that book for men with small penises?”
The librarian looks on her computer and says, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.”
The man replies, “Yeah, that’s the one!”
I want to sit on the floor naked but,
I'm scared of ground meat.
I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet
So far I've got eight fridges
Yesterday I bought a 12 year old Scotch
His mom was furious!
What type of pants does a ghost 👻 hunter wear?
Just a paranormal jeans. 👖
What do radios eat?
Ham.
With regret we announce that the CEO of Ricola Swiss Lozenges has passed away.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
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