What do you call two cops having sex?
Copulation
I got fired from my job at the Pepsi factory...
...when I tested positive for Coke!
What did Sean Connery say after he built his bookshelf wrong?
I’m ashamed of my shelf.
What is it called when the lead singer of Rise Against is studying when his wife is having a baby?
Re-education (through labor)
What's the difference between Excel and a proctologist?
One is for spreadsheets and one spreads cheeks.
Whats the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire
I saw a sheep in a swimsuit driving an expensive car.
It was a lambikini.
What do you call a woman who lights fire to all her bills?
Bernadette.
Inflation is so bad...
That I'm downgrading from LGBTQ+ to LGBTQ with ads.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it got mugged.
I used to be a banker.
But I lost interest.
I just found out that I have a half-brother.
...and we're not allowed to play with chainsaws anymore.
What is Ken's favorite food?BarbieQ...
Badum tssss
What do you call a cop in bed?
Undercover
I got attacked by a German Shepard...
Turns out my neighbor Hans doesn't like it when you try to herd his sheep for him.
Hospital.
A man wakes up in the hospital. The phone rings, a doctor tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, you have Avian flu, Ebola, you're HIV positive and have hepatitis." The man asks "What are you going to do?" The doc replies: "For starters we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza." "Will that really help me?" "No, but it's all we can fit under the door."
What’s the difference between a suit jacket and a blazer?
One you wear, and one you drive.
Why do serious brisket smokers prefer the whole brisket?
Just smoking the flat is pointless.
What did the cat say after joining the communist party?
Mao
“I’m thirsty.”
Dad: “Hi, thirsty! I’m Friday. Come over Saturday and I’ll buy you a sundae.”
I have two step-ladders.
I never knew my real ladder.
My urologist told me to find a new doctor.
He pissed me off!
I used to have a handle on life...
But it broke.
3 dudes go swimming in the ocean: Dude A, Dude B and Dude C. Dude C got eaten by a shark…
Now he’s Dude D
ChiropractorWent to see my chiropractor today. Very funny guy.
Totally cracks me up
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