Dad jokesI’m a gay dad and uncle. My partner came with a kid and nieces/nephews. Tonight my niece (4) told me after dinner that “All my Barbies died.”
Without missing a beat I asked her “Should we notify her Next of Ken” and I actually made myself laugh, then told everyone that would listen in the house, including her in order brother (12), and then the internet.
It’s not an original joke, but by God was I proud of such a milestone. Time to strap on the New Balances and start mowing.
1.7% of Americans over the age of 30 are married to their 3rd cousin.
Not sure why they didn't figure it out after they married their first two cousins.
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because 70 is rumored to be a cannibal but no one can prove who 78.
I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.
My mum says I was named after my great-grandfather
makes sense to me, he was born before me.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves you and never comes back.
Where did the 8 go when it fell over?
To ∞ and beyond!
A woman asked me if having kids over 40 was okay...
I said NO! 40 is enough!
Don't go to Starbucks sick
Or you'll get a cough fee
Earth is pretty dull now
It used to be cooler
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No Son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
What's one web designer who loves finding bugs?
A spider
An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam.The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow." The next day the man returned to the office and handed him the jar, which was as clean and empty as the day before.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained,
"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then my left, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left—nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then the teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too—first with both hands, then an armpit, she even tried squeezin' it between her knees—but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open!"
I’m so sad I have to close my crematorium
I just don’t urn enough
Why was my post removed?Can someone please tell me why my post was removed?
I’m very frustrated because now my fence has fallen over.
What do clowns like to invest in?
Laughing Stock🤡
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because 69 fought 70 and 71.
What animals do not get along?
Polar bears
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
Did I ever tell you how funny the word Pumpernickel is?
No? I guess it’s my Rye sense of humour.
I bought some shoes from a local drug dealer this morning
I don’t know what they were laced with but I’ve been tripping all day.
I found a 9 volt battery on the side walk one day. Touched it to my tongue to see if it was still good. It was.
I was shocked!
I know how to get my son a date in the future
I’ll name him terms and conditions.
What do you call a crazy female deer?
A doe nut.
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