I survived a fall without a parachute...
I've also survived a winter, spring and summer without one, too.
What’s the worst part about taking an ancient history course?
The professors tend to Babylon.
Hey Alexa, why am I so bad with women?
"I'm Siri you idiot."
Why was the broom late for school on Monday?
He over-swept
What idiot invented fire blankets?
You’d think fire is hot enough.
My dad always said:
My dad often said “Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.”
Tech tip: It’s dangerous to download “Come Sail Away” or “Satisfaction”. “Turn, Turn, Turn” is perfectly fine however…
Styx and Stones may break your phones, but the Byrds will never hurt you.
Last night I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.. she replied a divorce
I wasn't planning on spending that much..
Our computers went down at the office today, so we had to do everything manually.
It took me fifteen minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.
A French woman bet me I couldn't make two bilingual egg puns.
So I asked her if one would be an oeuf. She said no, and demanded two. So I told her, "that's a crocque, madame".
I'm worried about the crew of the Artemis II mission
Their Outlook isn't looking good.
My wife took the new car out for a driveWhen she returned, she said ‘I have good news and bad news’
I said, what’s the good news?
She said, well, the airbags on the new car work.
Which insect is the opposite of a stink bug?
Deodor ant
What do you call a space ship powered by methane?The fart-emis
Daaaaaaad, why do you always tell fart jokes???
Teri got so many traits from her mother, even her addiction to reddit
I call her reddit Teri
I come from a family of failed magicians...
I have two half sisters
One time while sailing on the ocean a dolphin jumped into our boat.
It wasn't an accident, he did it on porpoise.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the no-bell prize.
What do you call a tree that has just lost a sapling?
Mourning Wood.
I didn't tip the waitress because of terrible service. She threw a pack of condiments towards me!
I told her I'd be suing her for a salt.
Whoever put the s in fast-food
is a marketing genius.
What’s the difference between the USA and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will develop a culture.
I once dated a cross eyed girl
It didn’t work out, we didn’t see eye to eye. I also think she was seeing someone on the side.
After you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils because...
...they dilate!
Arnold Schwarzenegger can’t stand Christmas, too many presents. Thanksgiving is no better, he’s allergic to turkey. Halloween too many people dress up like him. Valentine’s day too much pressure. But today he gets his chocolate egg and he’s happy
Have to love Easter, baby
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