I once got fired from my job just because I was eating chips while I was working.
And after that, I couldn't get a job at any of the other casinos either.
What do you call a camel with no humps?
Humphrey.
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
Te bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
My wife was surprised to learn that my blood runs orange instead of red.
I guess she didn’t realize I had carroted arteries.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake in the morning
.... because they don't have any balls to scratch.
I sent an email to CEO of Lego yesterday. He didn't respond.
I think i got blocked
I told my doctor I heard buzzing in my head.
She said it's just a bug that's going around.
Two girls run out of a lake house at the same speed, landing in the water exactly 25 feet from the shore and 25 feet from one another, all while looking each other straight in the eye. How is this possible?
The answer is truly a paradox
What job in the military best prepares you for becoming a dentist?
Drill Sergeant.
Three guys on a boat have 4 cigarettes.
But they have nothing to light them with. So they toss one cigarette overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.
If you want to be a great photographer…
You have to stay focussed.
Do you know how a hamburger wears its hair?
In a bun!
Why can't men run fast in a dress?
Too much drag.
There was once a man named Odd.People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.
Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."
I was confused when my wife texted me, “Get home safe, babe.”
We already own a home safe.
Why couldn't the jalapeno practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
I have an old machine that i trust it.
It tells me faxs
I heard touching poison ivy can change your pronouns. So I figured I’d give it a shot.
Now I’m It/She
How do you call 2 ducks that exist but shouldn't ?
A pair o' ducks
Why did the birds attack my dog?
He is a purebread dog.
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder?
Needless to say, he got a little behind in his work.
I ran a marathon with my Bible in my hands.
Now my Psalms are all sweaty.
Nail beauty salons are making a fortune...
There's a lot of money changing hands.
There's a shop that does research on fractions
It's on 24/7
Why are dogs terrible at dancing?
They have two left feet.
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