What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business?
Try Sarah's Tops.
To all the Dad's out there...
Happy Father's Day motherfuckers!
I rented a limo for $500 and just found out it doesn’t cover the cost of a driver
I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it
The Millionaire's Tall GrassA incredibly wealthy corporate defense attorney was riding in the back of his luxury limousine after a long day of billable hours. As the car slowed down near a public park, he looked out the window and noticed two men kneeling on the lawn, tearing up handfuls of grass and eating it.
Thoroughly intrigued, the attorney ordered his chauffeur to pull over. He stepped out of the vehicle, adjusted his expensive suit, and walked over to the men. "Excuse me," the lawyer said. "Why on earth are you two eating grass?"
One of the men looked up, his eyes hollow with hunger. "Sir, we have no money, no jobs, and we haven't been able to afford food for days. We are eating the grass just to survive."
The lawyer’s heart swelled with sudden pity. "This is terrible! No one should have to endure this. Please, both of you, get into my limousine right now. I am taking you back to my estate."
The first man choked back tears. "Sir, you are incredibly kind, but I cannot leave my wife and our three children. They are sitting over under that tree, and they haven't eaten either."
"Bring them all!" the lawyer insisted grandly. "There is plenty of room!"
The second man hesitated. "Sir, my wife and our six children are also hiding in the bushes further down."
"The more the merrier! Bring them along too!" the lawyer replied.
With some effort, the chauffeur managed to squeeze all fourteen impoverished people into the massive luxury limousine. Once they were on the highway, one of the husbands turned to the lawyer, tears streaming down his face. "Sir, we can never thank you enough for your immense generosity. You are an absolute angel for taking us in to feed us."
The lawyer smiled warmly, patted the man on the shoulder, and said, "Oh, don't mention it! You are all going to absolutely love my estate. The grass in my backyard is nearly a foot tall!"
We were at a campsite in a national forest when a Ford pickup with "National Park Service" drove by. My wife said "that must be the park ranger."
I said nope, too big. Thats the park F-150.
Bubba’s gets ransackedReturning home from work, Bubba was shocked to find his house ransacked and burglarized. He telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Bubba ran out on the porch, puzzled at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting his face in his hands, Bubba moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? Send me a BLIND policeman."
My wife planned to dress up as a group of small islands off the coast of Cornwall
I told her not to be Scilly.
What do you call a cat that has given up over and over again?
A quitten!
Life is a lot like flying a helicopter
I don't know how to fly a helicopter
The cashiers around here are always..
Checking me out
There was a young man from Limerick
Who was completely unaware of the local poetical traditions.
I asked a German girl for her phone number.
I'm still waiting for the rest of it, as she's only given me the first number. "Nein".
What do you call a pig that is cold and growling?
A Ham-Brrr-Grrr.
I was walking when someone threw a gallon of milk on me...
I am udderly shocked... how dairy?
What's the name of that movie where Galadriel's friend Amanda becomes a bounty hunter?
Amanda: Lorien.
Electricians have to strip to make
Ends meet
To everyone who wished a Happy Father’s Day to the “Best Dad Ever.”
I’m flattered, but don’t forget to wish your own fathers and husbands Happy Father’s Day as well.
If an electrician's kid misbehaves
do they get grounded?
What was the baby computer’s first word?Data.
(Figured this was a good one for Father’s Day)
Airplane.I can’t figure out why my paper airplane won’t take off…
I guess it’s just stationery.
Him: “Oh no! Our neighbor died!” Her: “Who? Ray?”
“Look, I wasn’t his biggest fan either, but I don’t think celebrating is appropriate.”
I cut my hand on my Nintendo.
I had to get a Tetris jab.
I immediately woke up my puppy when he started mumbling in his dream about the earth being flat.
I don’t let sleeping dogs lie.
Just once I'd like someone to call me Sir without the added
"You're causing a scene. We're going to have to ask you to leave."
What is the fastest male fruit?
Mango
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