I was just assaulted by man with a block of cheese….
I mean, how dairy!
I want to open a restaurant that fuses Chinese and Middle Eastern cuisine.
I'd call it "Wok Like an Egyptian".
Scientists tried to genetically mix a leopard and a crab...
...but they stopped soon, when they realised it can go sideways really fast!
A guy walks into a music store and asks about their hip-hop selection. The clerk tells him they only carry Nas and Tupac.
The guy says “no biggie” and walks out.
I asked the dealership for a value on my car today.
They asked if the fuel tank was full or empty.
Booked a hotel room the other day. Walked into my room...yams everywhere.Yams on the bed, yams on the table, yams in the bathroom.
Went to reception to complain.
Hotel guy said: "Those aren't yams, they're suite potatoes"
At the dealership checking out a new truck, the salesman said, “This truck is loaded with features, and of course it comes equipped with a backup camera.”
I said, “That’s good… just in case the first one breaks.”
I'm an attendant who sells bus tickets at the booth. Man comes up and asks me how long the next bus will be.Damn stupid question.
I reply 'Same length as the last one'.
During an existential crisis my therapist leaned in and whispered one word. 'Parachute.'
It really brought me back down to earth.
This morning I was removed from the local community park for organizing the squirrels by height
Turns out people were not happy that I was critter sizing.
Are people born with a photographic memory?
Or does it take time to develop?
Did you know that the best bakers are cats?
It's because they make everything from scratch.
Parts of the Body.
What’s the most reliable part of your body ?
Your fingers. You can always count on them.
In Antigua and Barbados, they quote Pi to 3.14In Jamaica and Cuba 3.14159
In Trinidad and Bermuda 3.141592654
These are the Pi Rates of the Caribbean
My kid was headed out the door for school carrying a jug. I stopped him and said, “Why do you have that?”
He said, “Teacher said it’s pitcher day.”
Kalle jokes from FinlandIn finland Kalle is one of most common names. We also have a tradition to name "that clever boy" as Kalle in so many jokes, typically situated at school. That being said:
Teacher asks math tasks. Kalle counts with his fingers and teacher says: No Kalle, you are not allowed to count with fingers.
So Kalle puts his hands in pockets.
Teacher asks: What is 5+5?
Kalle secretly counts all the fingers in both hands in pockets ands gives the answer: 11!
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones.
But the people of Abu Dhabi do!
My wife emerged from her wardrobe and said to me,darling I was wearing this at our wedding 30 years ago and it still fits me.
I said,honey it's a scarf!
It’s really easy to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile…the one on the left will see you later;
the one on the right will see you in a while…
Any time something bad happens in a mine, you should not be too worried…
Cause it’s only a miner issue.
What did the French fry dad say to his curly fry son?
You better straighten up and fry right.
I like to tell dad jokes.
But he never thinks they’re funny.
My librarian wouldn't tell me where the "self-help" section is...
... she told me that would defeat the whole purpose.
Took my kid to the doctorThe nurse was in the room with us getting vitals and whatnot. We started talking about how it can be difficult when children are unruly.
chadministrator: You know, in Europe they call unruly kids "unmetered".
nurse: Oh, really?
chadministrator: Yeah, because they use the metric system.
The nurse laughed and thought it was amazing. Better still, my wife did that laugh all wives do where she laughs but instantly hates herself for laughing because it encourages me to do more dad jokes. It was glorious.
In honor of National Coffee Day; Why are coffee bean marriages so successful?
Because they keep each other grounded.
top
