Who led the Jewish people across a semi permeable membrane?
Os-Moses.
[NSFW] What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A Dicktater
What did the left leg say to the right leg?
"That guy in the middle is a bit of a dick, isn't he?"
An elderly man named Larry goes to his doctor for his annual physical examination. After running a series of tests, the doctor walks into the room with a smile.The doctor says, "Larry, your tests look absolutely fantastic. For a man of ninety, you are in remarkable shape! Tell me, how are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and with God?"
Larry smiles warmly and nods. "Oh, God and I are tighter than ever, Doc. He looks out for me in ways you wouldn't believe. Because my eyesight is getting so bad, He fixed it so that whenever I have to get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, poof! The light automatically turns on for me. And when I'm all done, poof! The light automatically turns off so I can go right back to sleep."
The doctor is amazed. "Wow, Larry, that truly sounds like an incredible spiritual connection."
Later that evening, the doctor feels compelled to call Larry’s house to check in with his wife, Bonnie.
"Bonnie," the doctor says, "Larry is in perfect health. But I just had to call because I’m completely in awe of his connection with the universe. He told me that when he gets up in the night to use the restroom, a bright light magically turns on for him, and when he finishes, it automatically goes out. Is that really true?"
Bonnie sighs deeply over the phone and yells, "Oh, sweet Jesus! He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!"
This Disney merchandising has gone too far.
The other day, I went to a supermarket and they had a sign for an entire isle of Frozen Food.
Did you hear about the guy who dunked his balls in glitter?
Pretty nuts...
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places.
He said, "Stop going to those places." 😆
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged!
If you’re amazed that I’m an expert of Kegel exercises…
Wait until you find out I’m self-taut.
I have a joke about a girl who only eats plants.
But you probably never heard of herbivore.
My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you're only sick on weekdays.” I nodded and explained...
“It must be my weekend immune system.”
My sister fell off a horse,
Fortunately she’s in a STABLE condition.
Electric.I was going to get an electric gate for my driveway entrance…
But with gate power comes gate responsibility.
Just found out my friend died from heartburn
Can't believe that Gav is gone
An old man spent his life repairing clocks....As he grew older, his eyesight faded and his hands began to shake.
On his deathbed, he gathered his children.
I've spent my life repairing clocks. I never turned away someone who couldn't afford it. Promise me that whenever someone brings you a broken clock, you'll fix it first. If they can't pay, don't charge them.
his children kept the promise
Years passed
Then decades
then centuries
The family workshop never closed.
Whenever a clock stopped, someone from the family would repair it, smile, and leave without asking for anything in return.
People traveled from all over the world just to meet them.
Eventually, historians wrote about the family's tradition.
They called it...
a second-hand business................
Got a warning from the HOA that my dog barks 80 to 100 times a day.
But that’s just a ruff estimate.
How did you quit smoking
I decided to smoke only after sex
I wanted to leave a few words of encouragement on a Special Olympics video.
But comments were disabled.
Two pirates are talking. One of them says, “You know, you be a real stickler for proper grammar.”
The other pirate says, “ARRRRRE!”
My friend said they didn’t like Homer Simpson,
I told them to stop being so Homer-phobic.
What did the shoes say to the pants?
What's up, britches?
Some day, Canada is going to take over the world.
Then you'll all be sorry.
Which reminds me, I was making chicken soup last night and ran out of carrots. I ordered some on Instacart,
But they didn’t turnip. I know. Absolutely unbeetable
PEOPLE CALL ME MUSHROOM
COS I'M A FUNGHI
I once had a girlfriend who worked at the radio station
But she kept sending me mixed signals
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