I'm at the age where I no longer care if I look good in photos...
I just wanna look good in CT scans, MRIs, and X-rays...
A hacker once called me and said he has all my passwords
I said, "WHAT!? Hold on. Let me get a pen. Now, what are they again?"
Me: "Dad, can you spell wonton backwards?"
Dad: "Not now."
My girlfriend accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.
I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"
Thought I’d try and get a Broadway award for a fake play about pasta.
Turns out you can’t rigatoni.
What did Ken from Street Fighter say when I asked if I could get his autograph?
“SURE YOU CAN!!!”
How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch
A pony goes to the doctor with a sore throat …
The doc says “It’s ok, don’t worry. You’re just a little horse.”
When speaking to someone in Spanish, make sure you use Mucho
It means a lot to them
If Dr Dre was a real doctor…
He would perform hip hoperations.
Victim after robbery: They stole everything from my house besides the soaps and towels
Police: These crooks must be dirty!
WENT TO A BODY PART Themed Store, and got a...
Footstool, an Armchair and a REALLY nice Headboard. What you get?
Why did the quarterback's girlfriend break up with him?
Because he Blue 42.
What do you call a sleepwalking priest?
A Roaming Catholic
Pie pricesDid you know that a slice of apple pie costs $3.50 in Jamaica? A slice costs $2.75 in Puerto Rico. And, in Trinidad, it costs $3.00.
Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.
Packing for my trip to Peru
and my friend warned me that it would get cold in the Andes. I replied, "Alpaca coat."
Pair of jumper cables walk into a bar, bartender says I am fine to serve you but
But you better not start anything .
My wife begged me to stop quoting Rolling Stones song titles every time we spoke.
I said OK, this will be The Last Time.
Coins.Today I found a coin with bite marks all over it…
I guess it was a bitcoin.
My son doesn't say much to me anymore
He now uses "a lot" and "plenty" instead
I I T Y W Y B M A DReal life experience, in an Air Force officers mess, in Ikeja, Lagos State, on the bar is written and spaced out,
I I T Y W Y B M A D
I ended up buying about 6 drinks for my friends. As a civilian, you tend to leave such alone, believing it's military, but curiousity always gets you. After a couple of beers, I asked my friend, an Air Force officer, what does that mean, he replied .... If I tell you will you buy me a drink? No problem I replied, but what does it mean? That's how I owed him 6 beers.
Why did the bullet lose its job?
It got fired!
A man goes to buy a parrot …
but gets tricked into buying an owl instead. A few days later, someone asks him, “So, does your parrot talk?” He replies, “No, but he’s a fantastic listener!”
What do you call a church where the nuns commute to work?
Unconventional
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