A woman attempted to cut off her bf's ding-a-ling... She missed and cut his thigh.
She was charged with a misdaweiner.
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?Two.
One to hold the bulb and the other to hold the penis. Mother. Ladder!
My wife hates the sound of squeezing water from a towel.
But if you ask me, it has a nice wring to it.
If a bee is bothering you. Do not swat it or run away. Just look at it.
Because seeing is bee leaving.
Actual joke told to me by my uncle this morning(For context, I’m pansexual and also very sick at the moment with some mucus buildup in my nose and throat, so I was gargling with salt water, which kind of helped but anyways, I was doing this in the kitchen)
Uncle: You should get out of the common area if you’re going to be doing all that. You had better not start a mini pandemic.
Me: Don’t you mean an epidemic?
Unc: It’s always a *pan*demic if you’re involved.
Me:
Unc, spraying the general area with Lysol: take your germs somewhere else, *pan*
LIKE, WHY WAS THAT AN ACTUALLY GOOD JOKE? WHAT THE FUCK MAN? 😭
What do you call a Frenchman who accidentally urinated in his humidifier?
Pierre
Elvis Costello and ABBA are touring together this summer but they figured out who the headliner will be..
So, watch for ABBA and Costello to find out who's on first.
The best year of my life is when I was 37
That was when I was in my Prime. (37 is a prime number)
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
They say if you play heavy metal backwards you get satanic messages. What do you get playing country music backwards?
Your job back, your wife back, your truck back, your house back
What does Charon, the ferryman of the Underworld, do with the coins provided with dead bodies?
He invests in… wait for it… crypt-o.
So this happened at dinner last night and I could not resist.We were having pasta and my youngest asked what I would do with a million dollars. I said I would probably build a car out of spaghetti. My wife rolled her eyes immediately, like she already knew where this was going. She has been married to me long enough to sense danger.
I let the silence sit there for a good thirty seconds. Really let it breathe. Timing is everything with a good dad joke. Then I casually mentioned that she should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
My son groaned so loud the dog got startled. My wife put her fork down and just stared at me with that look. You all know the look. The one that says I love you but I cannot believe I chose this life.
Honestly that reaction is the whole reward. The groan, the stare, the slow head shake. That is the standing ovation of the dad joke world.
Curious what delivery trick gets the best reaction in your house. Do you go fast and catch them off guard, or do you slow burn it like I did here? Always looking to sharpen the craft. Dad jokes are a serious art form and I will not hear otherwise.
What happens to southerners after moving out of the south?
They go through withdrawl.
Hi, I'm back! Looking for kid friendly knock-knock jokes again.
A few years ago I asked for knock-knock jokes for my son. One of his favorites has the name Romeo in it. I am looking for more of the same, as well as knock-knock jokes with Willow in them. Please keep the jokes for kids aged 4 - 8.
Are people born with a photographic memory?
Or does it take time to develop?
My girlfriend is just like the square root of -100
A solid 10 but totally imaginary.
My friend said "What rhymes with orange?"
I replied "No it doesn't."
Donald Trump is rooting for the Spurs at the NBA Finals
They're what kept him out of Vietnam.
A good parachute lasts 5 years
A bad one? A lifetime!
What do you call a shaved horse?
NEIGHked
Why are birds terrible at soccer?
They keep making fowls.
You know why Shakira's accounts never get hacked?
Because her https don't lie.
What’s the difference between 69 and fog?
You can’t see shit in fog
My neighbor works at a grocery store. His manager texted him and said they had an issue with dried grapes and the crunchy stalk vegetables. He did some creative planning and solved the problem. I asked him if his manager rewarded him.
He said he got a text from his manager saying “You are due a raisin celery”
A blonde and her husband are watching the news...News Flash: A Brazilian died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?
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