How many apples can you eat in the morning on an empty stomach?
One, because the rest are no longer on an empty stomach
My school teacher said I was no good at poetry due to my dyslexia
Well so far I have made two beautiful vases, a milk jug and an egg cup so I think the joke is on you Mrs Edwards!
Having sex can make your day.
But having anal sex can make your hole weak...
My wife told me the salads I make tend to be on the dry side...
...this is definitely something that needs addressing.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where's popcorn?
I saw a bumper sticker that said, “Beware of the idiot behind me.”
So I followed him until I figured out who the idiot was.
When I was younger, I felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Then I was born.
What is the Funeral Director's favourite drink?
He can't start his day without his Mourning Coffee.
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
R’s come third, the C is second, but if you want to see them angry take away their P
My parents just told me they’d love another child... I said, “I’d love a little brother or sister!”
They said, “That’s not what we meant.”
Do you know what they do when they need to circumcise a whale?
They send down four skin divers.
You're not allowed to laugh out loud in Hawaii
You're only allowed Aloha
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Smells like carrots
Hey Siri, why am I so bad with women?
"I'm Alexa you idiot."
Did you know half of the days are named Greg and the other half are named Ian?
It is the gregorian calendar.
Back in elementary school, my teacher thought it was weird that I did my multiplication tests on the floor.
But she's the one who said not to use tables.
What's made out of leather and sounds like a sneeze
A shoe
Why do all new shoes go to heaven?
because they have good soles
Long before X-rays was discovered, the ancient Chinese invented a device that can see through walls.
They called it the "window".
Every morning I try something different from my wardrobe and I ask my wife what she thinks, a splash of color, a new style, maybe a hat. She always hates it
She’s just too clothes minded
What do you call the mirror aisle at Walmart???
The self checkout!
What's bigger than a bikini?
C-kini
As a child we were so poor all my clothes came from the army surplus store
I was the only Japanese general in the 2nd grade
Did you hear the one about Oedipus and King Midas?
It's pure motherf*cking gold.
I saw a beavers home and get excited,
But then I saw a guy put a stick on it and thought “man made, dam.”
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