Our daughter the Xray technician married one of her patients.
We just don't know what she saw in him.
My neighbor gifted me a little willow tree, hoping one day it will be pleasant to sit under. In return I gifted him a little maple tree, hoping the same for him.
It's a good practice to exchange Pleasant Trees.
If you're being bothered by a bee...
Just look at it. Seeing is bee leaving.
What is the internal temperature of a Taun-Taun?
Luke Warm
They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but what doctor avoids garlic?
Dr. Acula
My friend just got caught having sex with a Pixar movie.
He fucked Up.
Telling someone that you're a "dog mom"...
..implies that you're a real bitch.
My wife’s brother has a shellfish allergy, and said he had it later in life because they didn’t grow up as “shellfish people”
And I replied: true, you’re all pretty generous.
A miner is driving to work and gets pulled overThe cops asks: “Where are you going, whose car is this, what do you do for a living.”
The miner responded: “Mine.”
I've been playing a game...I've been playing a game where you have to collect parts of all of the Egyptian Gods.
I've nearly finished the whole Set!
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddily-squats
Working in my first originalThis one made me laugh to myself and my wife groan.
Me: do you know how to calculate where to slaughter a goat?
Wife: No?
Me: you have to use halalgebra
The bar for this joke isn't very high, but here goes.
A blind man walks into a bar...
While driving across the country with the family
I decided we would go a little out of our way to visit my good childhood friend Nick Miller. The kids were not happy, they wanted to get to our final destination as quickly as possible. They complained and complained and complained, but I insisted that we take the See Nick route.
My brother convinced me to go halves on a used funeral car...
I can't believe I was so easily co-hearsed.
Saw a new motorcycle club that I’d be perfect for. They ride Harleys and tell bad jokes.
Puns of Anarchy
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A Pouch Potato
Why do wraps hate burgers?
Because they have beef
I just picked up a bottle of that new Fred Flintstone aftershave. It’s strong stuff, you only need to use a tiny bit.
A little dab’ll do...
Someone came up to me outside and said "I thought you'd be younger"
I said, "I was".
Working at a zoo is not easy.
It is quite difficult to ignore the elephant in the room
What kind of pants does a psychic medium wear?
Just a pair-a-normal pants.
Why are there poptarts but no momtarts?
The pastryarchy
Was about to head home after dropping the kid at university in Philly…Had this text conversation with the wife:
Wife: Big thunderstorm here
Me: Tornado watch here until 10
Wife: Same here
What do you think? You think you should stay?
Me: I cannot stay. I have an appointment in the morning.
Wife: Ok. But, please be careful
Me: It is currently sunny in Philadelphia
Wife: Ok. Maybe it's over. Just keep an eye on the radar
—
Nothing. Literally no reaction! At least my kid groaned when I showed her.
Help me remember the joke (or make it better?)I vaguely remember a joke I heard a few years ago, but I can't remember exactly how it was worded. Something along the lines of:
"I heard some niche artist was making amazing art with raw steaks. It was a rare medium well done."
I think the setup I heard before was better, but I can't remember.
top
