Today I learned: 'Politics' is a word derived from greekpoli meaning 'many'
tics meaning 'blood sucking parasites'
Why do elephants hate running on the beach?
They can’t keep their trunks up.
Son “Hey dad can I have 20 bucks?”The Dad responds
“ 10 bucks! What do you need 5 bucks for?”
I’m about 2 years away from using this in real life.
I told my wife our neighbor died. She said, “Who? Ray?”
I said, “It’s way too early to celebrate like that.”
Did you hear about the restaurant that only hires little people?
They always have to close early because they're short staffed.
What’s the difference between imply and infer ?
You never see a bear dressed imply
My daughter used to be into dinosaurs in an huge wayShe knew about hundreds of species and could tell you all about them when she was only in Kindergarten. She learned that birds are not only related to dinosaurs, but are so closely related that some argue they are the surviving dinosaurs of today's ecosystem. We liked this idea so much, we all started calling birds dinosaurs. We'd look outside and say, "Hey! There's a dinosaur in the backyard!"
One day, I heard my daughter call out...
"Hey! There's a dinosaur on the fence!"
...to which I replied...
"Then tell him to make up his mind!"
What do you call a flying nun?
A bird? A plane?
Nope, nun of the above.
I was driving past a cemetery this morning and saw a man walking around. I shouted, “Morning!”
He replied, “No, just walking the dog.”
Someone said if you had a million monkeys typing away, you would eventually get the complete works of Shakespeare.
Facebook has proven that to be false
What kind of lettuce does a baby wear?
Bibb
After much debate, the moderators have finally banned all menstruation jokes.
That's the end of that period.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline ever again!
My local tobacco shop closed down and now there’s an apparel store there.
Clothes, but no cigar.
Did you pick your nose?
No I was born with it
What's the difference between a sock and a camera?
One takes 5 toes and the other takes pho-tos
My friend and I went to the new restaurant, Juan's Mexican Cuisine, last night. When our order arrived, I said, "I can't eat all this; there's too much."
My friend replied, l You can ask for a take out container and finish it later
You don’t have to eat it all at Juan’s”
My wife complains that I never buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn’t even know she sold flowers.
At Notre Dame CathedralThe ropes to the church bells at Notre Dame Cathedral had broken so the Hunchback decided to bang his head on the bells to make them ring. When he came down from the tower his face was bruised and swollen. Several monks saw him and one asked, “Who is that poor man?” Another monk replied, “I’m not sure of his name, but his face rings a bell.”
The next day, because the Hunchback wasn’t feeling well his brother came to the Cathedral to help out and ring the bells. He went all the way to the top of the tower, but just as he reached for the ropes, he slipped and plummeted three stories to the floor of the Cathedral. Several people gathered around his broken body and one of them asked, “Who is this?” Someone replied, “I’m not sure, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal one?
The flavor
my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo
i had to put my foot down
Inadvertent dad jokeShe: “Isn’t it strange that the gene for male-pattern baldness is passed through the mom?”
Me: “It’s all about that ‘hair’-itability.”
(Pun not realized until she started laughing, then I pretended I had planned it all along.)
I will admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive..
my girlfriend lives forty miles away
I like the complimentary coffee at hotels
Every coffee I get calls me handsome.
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