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Tuesday, February 3, 2026

Humor

Get a Life! / Audio / Headlines

Get a Life!

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Audio

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Headlines

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

Te bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

Why couldn't the jalapeno practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
I was confused when my wife texted me, “Get home safe, babe.”
We already own a home safe.
How do you call 2 ducks that exist but shouldn't ?
A pair o' ducks
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law.
I brought edibles to my buddy’s dinner party…
He said it’s a potluck!
Why are dogs terrible at dancing?
They have two left feet.
I ran a marathon with my Bible in my hands.
Now my Psalms are all sweaty.
I've been looking into corruption in the elevator industry and I've discovered...
...it goes all the way to the top.
Told my wife I was going to see the doctor.
She said “which doctor?”

I said, “no, a regular one.”

There was once a man named Odd.
People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.

Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."

My wife says if this post gets over 1000 likes, I can get anal.
Please like because I want this house to be spotless.
I can’t believe I got arrested for breaking into the zoo’s skunk exhibit.
I was just following odors.
Leather Armour is perfect for sneaking
It’s because it’s literally made out of hide!
How does a blind man in Rome get his sight back?
He counts to 100.

That way he can C.

I'd like to tell you a chemistry joke
But all the good ones Argon.
My doctor diagnosed me with a bladder infection.
He said: "Urine trouble!"
I can always thicken soup without flour
But I will roux the day I can’t.
What do you call it when 2 vegans have drama?
Lettuce
I found the world’s best bratwurst. My sister didn’t believe me.
So I sent her a link.
The judge told me to bring all my cables...
It was a cord order!
How many months have 28 days?
All of them.
I heard touching poison ivy can change your pronouns. So I figured I’d give it a shot.
Now I’m It/She
I keep hearing that I should try a corduroy pillow.
They’re really making headlines, I guess.
I like to make jokes about paranormal activities
I have a sixth sense of humor...
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Quote

"He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment and buy one." - Jesus, Luke 22:36

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