After kissing my wife on the couch she said “let’s take this upstairs”.
“Ok,” I said. “You grab one end and I’ll grab the other.”
I told my wife a hilarious joke about spaghetti but she didn’t get it
It went right pasta
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder?
Needless to say, he got a little behind in his work.
Did I tell you about my cousin who fell into an upholstery machine?
Don’t worry—he’s fully re-covered!
I once got fired from my job just because I was eating chips while I was working.
And after that, I couldn't get a job at any of the other casinos either.
Do you know why when geese fly in a flying-v formation one side is always longer than then other?
Because there’s more geese on that side.
I recently bought a chicken to make some sandwiches.
It doesn’t. It’s noisy and poops all over the floor.
What do you call a priest on a motorcycle?
Rev
What is the least spoken language in the world
Sign language
What’s the key to a good mailman joke?
The delivery.
What do you call a camel with no humps?
Humphrey.
It's hard to find a good joke about vacuum cleaners.
They all suck.
How many dogs can jump higher than a car?
All of them. Cars can’t jump
What did the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall?
Dam!
What is the difference between a dad joke and an athletic rabbit? One is a bit funny, while the other is a fit bunny.
Feel my hate for this world......Q. Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
A. They’re pair-a-medics
What do you call two guys holding drapery in front of a window?
Kurt and Rod
I invented a golf ball that sinks itself whenever it gets within 6 inches of a hole.
Was going great! Until I put one in my back pocket.
Do you know how a hamburger wears its hair?
In a bun!
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake in the morning
.... because they don't have any balls to scratch.
When my son was getting ready for his first date, he asked, “How do I look?” I said, “Great! She’ll think you’re an absolute 10.” He said, “What if I make her laugh so hard she pees a little?”
I paused and said, “Then you’re an eight.”
If your parents are in their 70’s and they call and leave you a message, you should call them right back….
…because a boomer-rang.
What did the buffalo say to his kid when he dropped him off at school? BI SON
Did you hear......about the funeral home employee that fell asleep and was accidentally cremated?
I guess two people got fired that day...
What do you call John, Paul, George and Ringo back from the dead?
Beatlejuice!
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