My landlord sent me a text saying we need to talk about how high my air-conditioning bill is.
I responded: Come by any time, my door is always open.
What do you call someone who can't stop watching films with strong female leads?
A heroine addict
I let out a huge sigh when I received another text from the guy next door. “Hey when you guys get back from the oo can I stop by to grab some ip ties and borrow your bu saw? I’ll trade you for some of my ucchinis.” My wife asked, “Who sent that??”
I said, “It’s our no-Z neighbor.”
A geek was interviewing for a networking job.Interviewer: You seem like the guy we're looking for. So, what's your home address?
Geek: 142.210.3.23
Interviewer: No, I mean, your local address.
Geek: 127.0.0.1
Interviewer: No, no, your physical address.
Geek: 01:1A:24:3D:50:1B
I accidentally sprayed Axe body spray into my mouth.
Now I speak with an Axe scent.
Request: jokes where the punchline is "that's how I roll"I have 2:
Every day I write down the names of all of the kids that come into my classroom... that's how I roll.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward... that's how I roll
What else you got?
What do you get when you drop a piano on a kid from a great height?
A flat minor
My son was just bornMy son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday... said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
My young friend was telling me that she failed her exam in Aboriginal music.Being the supportive father figure type, I took her hand and asked,
"Didja redo it?"
Tablets were replaced by scrolls, scrolls were replaced by books.
Now we scroll through books on tablets.
You ever heard of silent tennis?
It’s essentially tennis but without the racket.
I published a book on lubricants
It won first place in the non-friction category
My kid hit me with this one todayWhy did the coffee call the cops?
It was mugged
How much does a chimney cost?
Nothing, it's on the house.
Someone keeps stealing the wheels on my car
Shouldn't they be getting tired of this already?
My son asked If you see an Apple Store getting robbed…
does that make you an iWitness?
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they're not laughing now.
If I am in the middle of the ocean and I jump, but when I come down I don’t hit water, what does this mean?
Island
My wife asked me to clean an insect out of the washer.
After I removed it I informed her I debugged her washing machine.
To the person who stole my glasses….I will find you…
I have contacts!
I'm thinking about making liquor out of energy drinksThe first step is to make the mash.
Make the Monster Mash.
What is Forrest Gump’s computer password?
1Forrest1
My wife said we should go camping.
I said it would be too stressful. She asked why? I replied because it was in tents.
What do you call when you tase an inmate?
Shock a Con
I’m never eating goat liver again!
It tastes offal!
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