The service at the T-Rex Café is terrible.
They're always short-handed.
What fairground ride is made of metal?
The ferrous wheel
What do you call a Sith Lord that’s from the South?
Darth Y’all
What’s Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola
1.5M pounds of hot dogs, etc. are being recalled
To be frank, it's terrible.
There was a break-in at the local Apple Store...
...the police are looking for iWitnesses.
I'm sitting on the couch, hiding from all forms of exercise. If anyone asks...
I'm in the Fitness Protection program.
What do you call a criminal landing an airplane?
Condescending.
Paid $500 so my son could play High School Football
Terrible investment. All I got was a quarterback.
$100’s.
What do you call a wreath made of $100 bills?
.....Aretha Franklins
(Please don't block me)
"I'd like to buy a muffin with chocolate chips".
"Sorry, we only take cash".
What do you call a parrot that can't fly?
A walkie-talkie
I bought some coconut shampoo today
But when I got home, I realized I don't even have a coconut.
What should you do if you’re attacked by a group of clowns?
Go straight for the juggler
The longest word
SMILES
THERE’S A MILE BETWEEN EACH “S”
My foot fell asleep this morning
Guess you could say I was coma-toes
I told my wife. I thought she drew her eyebrows a little too high.
She looked surprised….
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrapPsychologists looks up and says, "I can clearly see you're nuts"
yeah
I dated a woman named Sue Dunimm.
I found out later that wasn’t her real name.
What kind of haircut do bees get?
A buzz cut!
I watched the new Transformers movie and Optimus seems to be weaker and slower than he used to be
I guess he’s past his prime
I asked my wife to stop shaking the orange juice before she pours it, but she keeps doing it.
That’s so damn agitating.
Why do French people eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food
Where do single lions go for a Spanish vacation?
Catalonia
Time fliesI was at a friend's house last night for dinner. She asked me for help in making the salad, which required thyme leaves. So at one point she asked me to strip some leaves off of the branches (look up how thyme grows, if this doesn't make sense). When we had enough, I put the thyme back into the baggie, said "Heads up!", threw the baggie of thyme towards her, and stated, "I'm having fun!"
Sadly, I had to explain it, but got sufficient groans after doing that. Success!
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