How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump says it’s fixed, and they all stand around clapping in the dark.
Whats Trumps favorite garden.?
Kinder..
Turn bands into food. I'll start.
Fleetwood Mac and Cheese.
Why are UFOs always so clean?
Because nothing escapes the vacuum of space.
Why was the dentist disappointed with his long service award?
Because all he got was a little commemorative plaque
My husband asked me to show him my wild side.
So I opened Safari.
I’m trying to make a joke about furniture…
And sofa, I can’t come up with anything.
Went to an airshow today, and saw a RedBull stunt plane going all out. I pointed it out to my nephew who immediately came at me with...It used to be a stunt car, but RedBull gave it wiiings.
I nearly died laughing, I was so proud of him in that moment and really wanted to share the humor with some like minded folks. (I am a dad, just not his dad.) Anyone else find some truly inspired dad humor from unexpected places?
How do you know the Mad Hatter isn't a dad?
A Dad Hatter wouldn't be mad, just disappointed.
A little boy ran up to me shouting "Please help, my dad is in a fight!"
I ran over with him and saw two men going at it. I asked, "Which one is your dad?"
He said, "I don't know, that's what they're fighting about!"
Teacher: use contagious in a sentence
Me: I saw my neighbor painting her house with a toothbrush. I said: it will take this contagious to get it done.
I was chatting with a friend from the UK about elevators vs. lifts
Turns out we were just raised differently.
All over Reddit, people keep ending their comments with "Not a bot"
Okay Costello.
There are three kinds of people in the world
Those who can count, and those who can’t.
What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?
A Seatbelt
What do you call a naked bear?
Bare.
We were in hurry while cooking, but my wife told me to put some herbs on the food anyways.
I told her, there is no thyme.
PyramidsI’ve started reading a book about how the pyramids were built…
…but it’s taking forever to get to the point.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer recently.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
A recent survey revealed that 85% of Americans don't know how to do basic math.
Thankfully, I'm part of the other 25%.
I’ve never owned a telescope in my life…
…but it’s something I’ve considered looking into to!
Did I ever tell you the story about the snake that bit me?
It's a long tail.
When can you trust a fart?
Depends.
Fact: The world’s longest drum solo was 13 hours and 26 minutes.
It was performed by a 5 year old little bastard on the back of my seat while flying from London to Singapore.
I tried to organise a hide and seek tournament, but it was a disaster in the end.
The good players were hard to find.
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