As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"Y"Know one would had been enough 😂
Pirates are some of the horniest people on the planet.
They're always talking about chests and booties.
What do you call a wreath made of $100 dollar bills?
Aretha franklins.
For a bit of fun, I’m making a chart of my past girlfriends.
I have an ‘ex’-axis and a ‘why?’-axis
One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window, turned to his wife and said…“It’s going to rain.”
His wife asked, “How do you know?”
“Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear”
If the king sleeps on a king bed, and the queen sleeps on a queen bed, where does the prince sleep?
On an heir mattress.
What do you call a detective who investigates electricity?Sherlock ohms...
Sorry, I couldn't resistor
My buddy stole my thesaurus
I have no words to express how angry I am
Why can’t you hear a librarian going to the bathroom?
Because they shhhhit
If you have to get a circumcision, it’s best not to know in advance.
Ignorance is briss.
Did you hear that a scientist died while trying to combine crab and cheetah DNA?
It all went sideways so fast.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar the putter orders a beer, the wedge orders a tequila the third one saids.
Nothing for me. I'm the driver
I asked my girlfriend what's the opposite of a ton. She, with full confidence, said "lite as a feather."
I respond back, "no its not."
What's the name of that Irish guy that bounces of everything?
Rick O'Shea
What do you call Tom Hanks when he's constipated?
Forced Dump.
My wife said the salads I make tend to be a bit on the "dry" side
I said I guess that needs "addressing"
Captain Kirk has three ears
A left ear A right ear ... and a final frontier.
If the stork is the bird that delivers the babies, what is the bird that prevents pregnancy?
The swallow.
I've opened up three birthday cards and I'm already up $150.
I love being a postman!
My friend told me to guess the number he was thinking of. I said 4, but it turns out it was 8.
I guess I was half-right.
What do you call a sick lawyer?
Illegal
A man ended up in the hospital after swallowing a bunch of dollar bills
No change is expected
One of my Students asked me Mr China is that your real last name?
No I replied its actually my Made in name
What pronouns do clowns use?
He/he
I could tell you the candy joke
But the sweet spot was already reached
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