My kids told me I have every board game except one.
I had no Clue.
There's nothing sexier than German women doing handstands.
They really turn my Frauen upside down.
Man: I invented a thought-controlled air freshener
Woman: That's ridiculous Man: It makes scents when you think about it.
I don’t usually tell dad jokes in the shower
But when I do, he screams, “GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!”
Somebody asked me to join the tattered tie club.
I said, frayed knot.
A cupcake and a doughnut go on a date.
The cupcake says "I'm a Capricorn. How about you?"
The doughnut says "I'm a torus."
What's the crappiest punctuation mark?
The colon.
At a doctor's appointment today he asked me if I drank or smoked cigarettes.
Told him I prefer to smoke them
Why is maple syrup always sad?
It’s sappy.
What did the escalator say when it stopped working?
Nothing. It just stops and stairs.
If you suck at playing the trumpet
Thats probably why
Once I had a cross-eyed girlfriend, it just didn't work out. We just couldn't see eye to eye!
Now that I think about it, she may have been seeing someone on the side!
I use to date this girl who would count every single step she took.
Wonder what's shes up to now
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
They had a fight and 71.
What’s it called when someone is murdered by a cabbage?
Slaw-der.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
A man assaulted me with milk.
How dairy!
My wife is on a new diet inspired by squirrels. She says it's a bit out there...
But to me it's just plain nuts.
I was able to get a picture with my favorite band REM.
Look, That's me in the corner!
My wife asked me to draw a milk bath for her to get rid of bad rash. I wanted to be sure I was getting the right kind, so I asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
She said, “No, just up to my chin. “
When does a normal joke turn into a Dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Accidentally dropped my keyboard and a bunch of keys popped off. I managed to find all of them except one.
I will find u.
Why don’t skunks have to pay taxes?
Because they only have one scent
I spent all day yesterday explaining the health benefits of eating dried grapes to people at the produce aisle of the grocery store
You know raisin awareness
I have a terrible phobia of elevators.
I'm taking steps to avoid them.
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