A guy was bragging to a co-worker about how hot his wife was...
He was going on and on about how incredibly beautiful she looked and that anyone else would be lucky to land a woman as gorgeous as his wife. Finally, the co-worker manages to get a word in: "Oh, yeah? If you think your wife is hot, then you should see my wife." "Why's that? Is she a stunner, too?" "No, she's an optometrist."
Why haven't aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and saw it only had 1 star.
What do you call a person who doesn’t have a body or a nose?
Nobody knows .
What is a pirate's least favorite letter?Dear Sir/Ma'am,
We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:
Illegal Downloading
My daughter defused my son's repeated 6-7's perfectly
Since my son turned 7 yrs old he has picked up the 6-7 meme, presumably from school friends. My daughter turned 4 and innocently assumed 6-7 was something to do with her brother's age, so she responds with "3-4" every time! Think it's her first dad joke, so proud!
My 8 year old told me this: what do trees really like to drink?
Root beer. I'm proud of him.
My teachers said a group of tigers is called an Ambush and not a Pride.
They weren’t lion.
My coworker thought he was a lightbulb, so my boss sent him home.I also went home, I can't work in the dark.
(Reposting because I made a typo in the original.)
Who is between N and Q?
Me
So many people these days are too judgmental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"
I know he means well...
I can speak the language of several different countries.
England, Canada, Australia, Ireland...
If February 29th is Leap Day, what is February 28th?
Look Day.
I lost my Thesaurus last week. I'm not Just pissed off..
i'm also pissed off!!
Why weren’t the pants allowed in school?
Because they were suspended.
I saw a guy who was arrested for dressing up as Sting.
It's illegal to impersonate The Police.
My neighbor's wife attacked her husband with his guitar collection.At her arraignment the judge asked, "First offender?"
She said "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."
I just realized I have a superpower.I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them.
It takes a while though.
Two blondes talking. One says "I just took a pregnancy test"
The other replies "Were the questions hard"
Which group of animals have the sweetest asses?
Its mole-asses.
I got injured at a Chinese resturaunt.
They told me to just wok it off.
Somebody left an unlabeled box of random parts from IKEA at my door, with no instructions.
I’m not quite sure what to make of it.
How do you tell if a baby snowman is a boy or a girl?
By checking if it has snowballs
Someone told me that the moon landing was staged, and I agreed 100%
I said "because that's how all orbital rocket work dude!"
A cappuccino made with alpaca milk?
Al Pacino
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