A naked man broke into a church.
The police chased him around and eventually caught him by the organ.
I'm happy to announce I have opened a new paternity testing facility in Indiana
It's called Hoosier daddy
I have always preferred the British spelling for "diarrhea".
"Diarrhoea" really looks like you've lost control of your vowels.
This girl texted she didn’t want to go out with me because I had boomer vibes and my phone was ancient.So I got my phone out and replied “
666550822553302222777330666669” Ok take care now.
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A teacher says spit out your gum. A train says, "Choo choo!"
"I ran a half marathon"
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
Murphy’s Law states that what can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage with mayo
I am getting stronger with old age
I can now lift $100 of groceries with one hand
My wife asked me if I wanted to do lunch at the Vietnamese restaurant on the beach.
I said, "Pho Shore."
A Chinese guy goes to the doctor"Doc, I busted my knee while typing."
"Knee? How?"
"Hi doc."
I remember when I read the dictionary as a kid.
It was a defining moment in my childhood.
My son just now: what do golfers drink when playing golf?
Teas.
My wife asked why I had come to bed covered head to toe in numbers.I explained, “Well, me and the kids were just doing their math homework…
You did tell them they could always count on me.”
I’ve just released my own fragrance.
Nobody in the car seemed to like it.
Knock Knock. Who’s there…Grandma..
Wait wait .. stop the funeral
A broken legI was a carpenter, working late on a jobsite once. The boss was letting me get some overtime - we had an inspection scheduled for the next morning. Somehow I slipped off the ladder and hit the floor twelve feet below.
I landed with my leg bent back, obviously broken. I lay between the lumber pile and the wall with no way to crawl out. The pain was excruciating. Cell phones were lawyers' toys back then.
The boss usually came in at 7:00 AM. Waiting until then? Endless. There was one other hope, a plumber named Donald who liked to come in early, right when it got light. Big Donald, we called him. He probably weighed three hundred pounds, a stereotypical plumber whose pants were usually so low you wondered how they stayed up.
Darkness dragged on. I tried not to count on Donald showing up. There was a chance, but if he didn't I'd be waiting another two hours. Relief! I heard Donald's truck pull in just as the darkness shifted to gray.
He walked past me. I tried to say his name but could hardly speak. I tried again, louder this time. He stopped, his back to me, and looked around. Once more, then he turned around and saw me.
Never before or since have I felt as relieved to see the crack of Don.
Man: There’s no more spots left on the archery team
Me: maybe you can pull some strings?
A lot of people don’t understand how the US Mint works.
It actually makes a lot of cents though.
Had a little scare today.
Was doing some house chores and working along the side of the house. Heard a big commotion and went around the corner to the front to find some guy kicking at the door on the porch. Cops were right behind him yelling at me to stay back. They cuffed him and hauled him down the drive into a car. I made sure Loni was ok and talked to one of the officers. The said he had been spotted in the area stealing packages from porches and they finally caught up with him at our place. We didn't have anything but since they caught him on our porch I had to be the one to file charges. Just got a call from the police department a few moments ago that they had to release him as they failed to read him his veranda rights.
I used to work for a Chinese drug dealers. One day he asked me “Have you seen my cocaine?”
Not since he starred in Zulu,” I replied.
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.“Is everything okay pal?” the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight and she isn’t talking to me for a month!”
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know,..a little peace and quiet?”
“Yea. But today is the last day!”
What do you call it when you drop a breakfast waffle on a Southern California beach?
A sandy eggo.
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle.
Attire
WHOEVER SAID OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND…
NEVER HAD A RATTLE SNAKE DISAPPEAR IN THEIR BEDROOM
I told my boss there was a hole in the women's bathroom door
He said, "I'm going to look into that right away!"
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