I'm a woodworker and I make seven figures a year.
It's starting to look like I won't ever make any real money unless I learn to carve them faster.
While out Christmas shopping with my wife, she asked why I bought myself cut-off shorts, a fishnet crop top, and rainbow fingerless gloves.
I looked at her and sang, “Dawn… we now own gay apparel.”
My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.
I sent my son to his room when he said Jim Morrison wasn't a good musician.
We don't slam The Doors in this house.
A man went to the ER with 24 toy horses up his bum
Doctors listed his condition as "Stable"
You guys wanna hear a Potassium joke?
K
I quit my job at the sandpaper factory.
The job really wears you down… and I just didn’t have the grit for it.
When the comedian fell off the building, nobody laughed...
But the sidewalk sure cracked up.
What do you call clothes made from rubber wheels?
A tire.
My wife told me to stop wearing full camouflage when we’re out together
I don’t know why, it’s not like anyone will notice
What do you call a girl kneeling in the middle of a tennis court?
Courtknee.
What kind of birds are well known for sticking together?
Vel-crows.
What happens when a microscope crashes into a telescope?
They kaleidoscope.
Man fell 9 stories from a Nightclub
Police confirmed he was not a Bouncer
Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday
Sorry. That was a week attempt at humor.
Why do some people stir their coffee clockwise and others counterclockwise?
To dissolve the sugar.
Farmer did not like the joke I made about the smell when milking the cows.
I guess they are sensitive about their dairy air.
My wife was trying on a new dress when she said, “Why do you keep staring at my boobs?”
I said, “To upload them to my mammary bank.”
I heard that Pablo Escobar's hippopotami were able to use the toilet.
But i think this is a hippo potty myth
As a rule
My son asked me why I took a Tape Measure to bed, I replied to see how long I sleep.
A man got eaten by a shark on his honeymoon
He didn't suffer long. He was only married for a week.
Marriage
Sometimes, I feel I married the wrong guy. Because he wasn’t even the best man at our wedding.
I ate a kid's meal at the airport today
His mom was very angry at me
Mariah Carey is opening her Xmas PresentInside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential.
Disappointed, she set the deed down and says.. "I don't want a lot for Christmas"
Little-known facts of literature: Beowulf was actually married, to a widow.
She already had a son, whom he affectionately nicknamed: Steppenwolf.
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