A woman’s husband comes home early, so she hides her lover in the closet — not realizing her 9-year-old son is already in there.The boy whispers, “It’s dark in here.”
The man says, “Yeah.”
“I have a baseball.”
“Okay.”
“Wanna buy it?”
“No.”
“My dad’s outside.”
“…How much?”
“$1000.”
“Fine.”
A few days later, the boy’s dad says, “Let’s play catch.”
“I can’t. I sold my ball for $1000.”
“That’s outrageous! That's a lot more than they actually cost. You’re confessing this at church.”
In the confessional, the boy says, “It’s dark in here.”
The priest sighs, “Don’t start that shit again.”
I broke up with a girl once because she wouldn’t stop counting.
I wonder what she’s up to now.
NSFW from the MrsMy girl had to get her mammogram today, I texted to see how it went, no like, she texted back:
"No abnormalititties detected!"
My new car has a button for just about everything.It even has one that says "rear wiper"
Still too afraid to try that one.
I got arrested today by a police officer who was clueless about basic chemistry.
Tried to tell me that my pepper spray was a salt.
What do you give the cannibal who’s late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect
and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My boss said "dress for the job you want, not the job you have"
I went in as Batman
I didn’t know what I was supposed to wear to the pre-ejaculators meeting
so I just came in my pants
What do you call a dog that digs up really old bones?
A barkaeologist
How many dead bodies does it take to change a lightbulb?
CLUE: It’s not 8 cos my basement is still dark.
The employees at the restaurant last night were having some kind of a feud and they were trying to drag me into it.
When the server was taking my order, she told me I had to choose a side.
Ricardo Montalbán had trouble finding work after Star Trek.
No one wants to hire an ex-Kahn.
I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia
She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
What do you call a Spanish guy being discharged from hospital?
Man well
I asked my SonI asked my son what he'd learned at school today? He said "Gays like Sony, Lesbians like Yamaha, and Bi-sexuals prefer Bose".
I put my hand on his shoulder and replied "Son, those are just stereo types".
I got a new pen! It can write underwater…
It can write other words, too.
Two horses have been married for years.... and their relationship is getting a little stale particularly in the bedroom.
The male decides to look on the internet for ideas, and discovers lingerie for horses. He tells his wife he's going shopping, and heads into the town. After much searching he finds a few of the things he's looking for, of course it's tricky for him to carry it home, so he tucks it into his bridle.
He pops into a bar on the way home, and the bartender asks "why the thong lace?"
I just learned that Brits got hooked on conservative media starting November 5, 1605.
Ever since then they’ve been obsessed with Fawkes news.
I’m really touched by how much my bank genuinely cares about me.
They called me out of the blue today to tell me my balance is outstanding. I really needed to hear that, I’d been stressing over money a lot lately.
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-oh-acid
I think my wife is totally losing it. Just this past month, she bought three new SUV's that we can't afford.
She's really gone off the Jeep end.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon.
Unfortunately it never got off the ground
Why do Nurses Carry Red Crayons?Why do nurses always carry red crayons?
Because sometimes…
(•_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
…they have to draw blood.
What's it called when you send food to someone you used to date?
FedEx
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