Just as I was off to college , my dad and I got some last minute bits from the shop..As he reached for the anti persperant, he made sure to tell me.to.never buy the ones at the very front as they have likely been used as testers several timesI told him , This ain't my first roll deo
he said , Bye Son
To the person who stole my antidepressant tablets
I hope you're happy now.
Realizing my wife is going to need an oxygen tank for the rest of her life,
because I took her breath away every time she looks at me.
Why can't the cat have control of the TV remote......
Because it will keep hitting the paws button.....
How many ants can you fit in a rental property.
Ten. Ten ants.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the "knock-knock" joke?
He won the "no-bell" prize.
I heard my daughter say from the other room "dad (sister)'s doing something she's not supposed to be doing!"
I responded with
me: is she Building a rocket or fighting a mummy?
6 year old: no
me: Or climbing up the Eiffel Tower?
6 year old no she is-
me: Discovering something that doesn't exist?
6 yo: no shes not doing that she is-
Me: giving a monkey a shower!?!
6yo no no
me: o i know she is Surfing tidal waves, creating nanobots or locating Frankenstein's brain?
6yo old: what?
me: Finding a dodo bird, painting a continent
Or driving her sister insane?
6yo: that one shes doing that one.
My doctor's fees are very fair.
I pay a fare for the visit, a fare for the blood work, a fare for the follow-up.
Had a Star Wars-related dream where nobody could count past two in French.
Yoda did say “deux or deux not, there is no trois”
My family got pretty bored when I spent all Saturday afternoon installing bidets on our toilets.
But today, they’re having a blast.
What did the Buffalo dad say when he left his calf at school for the first time?
Bye son!
What do you call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer.
My girlfriend and I met as chorus members in a local production of West Side Story
We just clicked
Does anyone have trouble remembering maine’s abbreviation
or is it just me?
On the phone with my dad earlier and mentioned going for a round of golf with friends this afternoon and he said to make sure i took a spare pair of socks.
Confused, i asked him why and he said 'in case you get a hole in one'.
What do you call it when a cow wants to be insulted and joked about?
Roast beef.
If your electrician..
..explains the fuse box, does he become a trip advisor?
Many historians argue that it was the Mongols who set the standard for pillaging an entire city.
But it was the Vikings who razed the bar.
Why do melons always have big weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
I’m starting to understand why Yoda wanted to spend time on a swamp planet.
It makes the Dagobah faster.
Why are graveyards always so loud?
Cause of all the coffin.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.
After my dad’s accident, we anxiously waited for news until the surgeon finally came out. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “I want you to know we did everything we could…”
“Fortunately, that saved his life, and he’s going to be fine.”
What do you call someone who is late to work?
Mr. Bus
Lassie had a littler of puppies. One by one they were adopted: One became a master sheepdog, herding sheep to his heart's delight. Another became a champion athlete, setting world records at dog shows. The runt of the litter, though, waited weeks before finally being adopted by a honeydew farmer...
He was a little meloncollie
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