How do you find out how many vampires there are?
You Count Draculas
I was going to make a joke about the balls of an elderly man...
...but that would just be low-hanging fruit.
People think grass don’t be wet in the morning.
But it dew
My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's"
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my new planner
I’m dismayed.
What do you call it when a journalist irons their underwear?
A press brief.
What do you do if you come across an upside down female dolphin?
Flipper
I've been training my dog to fetch tools from my workbench.
He isn't perfect but he knows the drill.
Why aren't scavengers allowed on planes?
carrion restrictions
My wife got our son an air freshener for his car that looks like a mini guitarShe said, "I don't know what it smells like."
I said, "Smells like teen spirit."
He said, "You're not funny."
An actual conversation this morning.
Why did the dentist fall asleep working on a cavity?
The drill was boring.
I just used “annually” as my email sign-off with my tax person
No punchline. That’s it, and I’m still cackling.
In a foot race between Julius Ceasar and Joseph Stalin, who would win?
Stalin, because he was rushin'. Ceasar was just roamin' and also had twenty-three stab wounds.
I had a great conversation with a dolphin the other day
We just… I don’t know… we just click
My dad started training me to take his place as the lead circus clown.
I've got some really big shoes to fill!
I named my new dog Tenkay.
Now I can tell everyone I walked 10K everyday.
How does a dog give birth?
Litterally.
My toddler is terrified of escalators because they move too fast
We take steps to avoid them
Sometimes I tuck in my knees, wrap my arms around them and lean forward
That’s just how I roll
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily segs
My wife insists it say dyslexia
Did you know that 40% of your BRAIN is AI?
The other 60% is BR & N.
What did the clock tower say when it finished counting an hour?
Done done done done 🔔
A few weeks ago I started dating an entomologist. I told her, “Every time I see you, you still give me butterflies.”
She said, "I don't mind; My collection is huge."
I heard there was a new store called moderation.
They have everything in there!
What type of music is played over footage of No Kings Protests?
Royalty-free music
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