A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and crashes it.At his trial, he's found guilty and sentenced to death. For his last meal, he asks for a single banana. The next day, he's strapped to the electric chair. They pull the switch but nothing happens. By law, he walks free. Within a week, he hijacks another train and crashes it. Again, he's sentenced t
death. Again, he asks for a banana.
Again, nothing happens. He's released.
The third time, they refuse his banana request.
"Oh no you don't, you son of a b we know your little banana trick!" They serve steak instead.
The next morning, they strap him in, flip the switch... nothing happens.
"Did you give him the banana?" the guard yells.
"No, sir!"
Turns out, the banana had nothing to do with it.
He was just a really bad conductor.
I sent flowers to a friend who was opening a new office. They were delivered with a card saying, "Rest in Peace." Incensed, I called the florist to complain, and they replied, "It could be worse. Just think...
Today someone was buried beneath a floral arrangement with a card saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
What's the difference between an Indian & African elephant?
For starters, one's an elephant...
What’s the difference between Walt Disney and Bing Crosby?Bing sings.
Walt Disney
We were taking a candlelit bubble bath when my wife said, “No offense, but this feels awkward.” I said, “Well… I guess I could tell dad jokes.” She rolled her eyes and sighed, “Ugh, fine.”
I turned to my dad and said, “OK, so two guys walk into a bar…”
If your child asks you to spell part backwards
Don’t it’s a trap.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle
I take my cow for walks in the local vineyard.
I herd it through the grapevines.
Sign in a sporting goods store.
Now is the winter of our discount tents.
Why does every lemur drive an EV?
Because they are mad at gas cars
I tried to make my password "myunderwear"
Then I was informed that passwords must be changed regularly
I already know I'm the smartest man in the room 🧐
Because I'm sitting alone in my office. 😔
I read instructions on how to build a staircase.
There's a lot of steps.
Woodpecker.A woodpecker visited the Petrified Forest.
He said it was impeccable.
Why do programmers love dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs!
Why is Mississippi taking so long to count the votes?
Because this is how they count
One Mississippi
Two Mississippi
…
What do you call a communist with diarrhea?
A Trotskyite.
A voyage to Antarctica can be exciting, but you need to be careful.
Things can go south really fast.
What's the difference between a beneficiary and a monkey's father?
One is an heir apparent. The other is a hairy parent.
A chicken walked into a bar
A chicken walked into a bar at happy hour and ordered two cocktails. Moments later, two roosters at the end of the counter shuffled out the door with their backs pressed to the wall.
Every Norwegian ship has a QR code next to it's name.
It makes it easier to Scandinavian.
A businessman ordered flowers to be sent to the opening of his friend's new branch office.When the businessman got there, he was shocked to see the flowers with the inscription. "Rest In Peace."
He was so outraged that he stopped at the florist to complain.
"It could be worse," the florist said, "Just think: Today someone was buried beneath a floral arrangement with the inscription. 'Congratulations on Your New Location!" "
CoffeeI ordered coffee the other day, and the barrista asked for my name.
I said, " Some people call me the space cowboy.
Some people call me the gangster of love. "
And went and sat down.
A few seconds later.
"Coffee for Maurice."
My friend said I have to stop listening to the song “Wonderwall”
So I said “maybeeeee”
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
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