Most people don't realize that the actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun:
...is the same actor who played Wilson in the 2000 movie "Castaway"
I freaked out my mailman today when I came to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what shocked him more, my naked body, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
Christmas drinkers
Please be careful everyone, I went out for a few drinks after work and got carried away so I left the car at the bar and took a taxi home. Sure enough just up the road the police were pulling over cars and breathalyzing the drivers. They just waved me past being in a taxi which is strange because I've never driven one before and haven't a clue where I got it from
If Farmer A sells apples and Farmer B sells bananas, what does Farmer C sell?
Medicine
Two patients in a psychiatric clinic chat: "I am Napoleon Bonaparte, but they don't believe me. That's why they put me in here. And you?"
"I am a squirell. I came here voluntarely because of all the nuts."
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
SUPPLIES!!!
What do you call an undertaker who always counts his bodies?
A mathemortician!
I fired my fruit truck delivery driver today
I had to let the mango.
"Santa has been reading your posts all year...
Most of you are getting dictionaries"
Care to share your best dad joke and get awarded for it?
Give me your funniest joke. You know, your go-to that you always tell people. Funny ones get awarded!
SCUBA is an acronym for self-contained underwater breathing apparatus.
TUBA is an acronym for terrible underwater breathing apparatus.
If you have 7 pears in one hand, and 10 in the other, what do you have?
Giant hands, obviously.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Ice Krispies.
I asked my friend why he gave up his career as a farmer
He said he chose the wrong field
My son said to me "Dad, today I watched someone do 50 pushups , do you think you can do that?"
I said, "Of course son, don't want to brag but I could probably watch someone do 100 pushups!"
Why did all the docks crumble in the storm?
Pier pressure
What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?
671 Hallmark movies.
What kind of cars do elves drive
Toyota
What do you call a fox with a carrot in each ear?
Anything you like, he can't hear you
What do you call a security guard working for Samsung?
Guardian of the galaxy
Where does a sheep go to get a haircut?
The baa baa shop.
I seem to have a problem every time I wear mittens …
But I can’t put my finger on it.
Did you know that the pool on the titanic still has water in it?
Amazing after all these years.
Why can you always trust a nudist?
You know they don’t have any tricks up their sleeves
Did you hear that JK Rowling is rewriting the Harry Potter series to reflect her political beliefs?
Professor McGonagall now teaches figuration.
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