A man walks into a bar with his dog and asks for a drink, but the bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!"The guy, without missing a beat, says. "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "I'm sorry! Here, the first one's on me."
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua.
The first guys sees him, stops him and says, "You can't bring dogs in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar.
When he asks for a drink, the bartender says, "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The man replies, "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. Chihuahuas aren't seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
A neurologist was diagnosing a man who had lost the ability to do basic math. "What's 9 plus 9?" "12". "What's 8 and 8?" "10". The doctor shook his head. "Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?" The man thought for a second and answered "1E".
"Aha, I've figured it out!" The doctor said. "Somebody's clearly put a hex on you."
In Star Wars Chewbacca is called chewy; Jabba the Hut is called Jabba. What is Luke Skywalker short for?
A stormtrooper
My vegan friend told me "that chicken you're eating had a family!"
I said "that's why I ordered the family bucket - nobody gets left behind."
My daughter bested me.We were a couple of towns over driving to her next away softball game. She's 10, and plays in junior league girls softball.
We pass by one of the older 70's/80's McDonald's with the outdoor playplace, with all the characters. She recognized Ronald, but that was it. She didn't know the others even existed, so I started explaining who everyone else was the best I could remember.
When I'm finished, she looks at me with a straight face and says; "Do you think Mayor McCheese had a 'beef' with the Hamburgler"?
Dammit kid. All these years, that one was right there. How did I not see it?
Why did the little boy throw the clock out the window?
He was a jerk
Religion is so self contradicting.
Thank God I'm an atheist.
Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have one pair of trunks.
How far can a dog run into the forest?
Half way through. After that it will be running out of the forest.
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.
I got gas yesterday for 99 cents
Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
I went to the doctor and told the nurse I got bit by a wolf.She said, "where?"
I said, "no, regular."
A husband and wife get into an argument.The wife gives him the silent treatment for three days.
On the fourth day, the husband says,
“Hey… are you still not talking to me?”
The wife finally replies, “Yes.”
The husband smiles and says,
“Great! I thought I went deaf.”
I saw my wife staring into the fridge looking frustrated and asked what was wrong. She said, “I’m trying not to have a meltdown because I wanted to make omelettes, but we don’t even have the ingredients.”
I said, “Just breathe, babe. You’re having an eggs-essential crisis.”
Did you know what the guy with no arms or legs was thinking?
Nah? Yeah I’m stumped too.
Mountains aren't funny
They're hill areas
Back in the '80s, punctuation and lizards were very important.
Comma, comma, comma, comma, chameleon...
How can you tell that a pony has a sore throat?
It's a little hoarse
A blind salesman comes to the door, what is he selling?
He sells Blinds. He's a blind salesman.
Why are frogs never stressed out?
They eat what bugs them
What’s the difference between a horse and a pony?
About half a gallon of high quality glue
Q. What's the difference between a ginger and a tennis shoe?
A. The tennis shoe has a sole.
What do you call a guy that can duck from a punch?
Bob
🏴Man walks into a bakers🏴He see’s a dessert and asks the baker: “Is this a cake or a meringue?”
Baker replies: “aye it’s a cake right enough”
What did the hashbrown say to the slice of bread.
I made be fried but you are toast
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