I was heartbroken when my wife told me that my five-year-old was not my son.
Then she told me to pay more attention at kindergarten pickup.
Someone broke into our house last night and stole a dozen eggs.They also left a pan of boiling water on the stove.
Police believe it was poachers.
I almost made a post here about margarine
But then I realized I could do butter
I could never be vegan.
For me, it'd be a huge "missed steak."
What is the problem with cross-eyed teachers?
They can't control their pupils.
Apparently, Northern Ireland has a completely different version of Beauty and the Beast. In most places, the princess is too slow to escape.
But over there, Belle fast.
Just wanted to let y’all know I have a pet termite.
I named him Clint….
Clint Eatswood
My friend tony told me not to say his name backwards
I said "y not?"
A farmer has successfully grown a field of vibrators.
Unfortunately, he now has a problem with squatters.
My son was born without eyelids. So the skin from the circumcision was used to make eyelids. Everything turned out good.
The only thing is he turned out a little cockeyed.
Patrick an Murphy at the pub
Patrick and Murphy are talking over a pint of Guinness at their local bar:
Patrick said to Murphy.
“A strange thing happened at home last night.”
Murphy inquired. “And what was that?”
Patrick answered. “The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer.”
Murphy – “And what did you tell her?”
Patrick – “I told her I was looking for cheap flights.”
Murphy – “So what did she say about that?”
Patrick – “She said she loved me, threw me on the floor and we had the most amazing sex.”
Murphy – “I’ll bet that surprised, you Pat?”
Patrick – “That it did Murphy. She’s never shown the remotest interest in darts before!”
Told my urologist that I was peeing 3 times a night and asked what could be done
A finger insert later he said, “urine trouble”
I like to fornicate expensive words into my sentences
Even if I don't know what they mean
What do you say to a Russian official complaining about Ukranian airstrikes?
“Crimea river!”
The human body gradually adapts to whatever temperature you keep your thermostat set at.
(to a degree)
If flour comes from wheat, and sugar comes from cane, and chocolate comes from the cocao plant, would that makes cookies a salad?
...technically? Not a cake though because it has eggs and milk. Although it could be considered a breakfast food 🤔.
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic atheist insomniac?
He would lie awake at night and wonder if there was a dog or not.
I can’t work out how you close French windows.
What’s French for “shut down computer?”.
Many years ago, I found Steve Jobs stealing my furniture cleaner from under my kitchen sink
Bloody Jobs, coming over here, stealing our polish
Does Wonder Woman...
... have many questions?
My spice rack is staging a coup and their list of demands is peppered with salty language.
The last thing they said was "Your thyme is cumin!"
Many people don’t understand the difference between burrow and a burro
A burrow is a tunnel used for shelter by an animal, a burro is a small donkey. Folks that don’t understand that don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground.
What do you call a group of four squids?
A squad
A man wakes up in the hospital. The phone rings, a doctor tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, you have Avian flu, Ebola, you're HIV positive and have hepatitis." The man asks "What are you going to do?"
The doc replies: "For starters we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza." "Will that really help me?" "No, but it's all we can fit under the door."
I tried robbing a library
They threw the book at me. Then another one. Then another...and another.
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