A tale of 2 nuns
There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It was getting dark and they are far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way He cannot follow us both.
The man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrived.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!
When my daughter was 7 years-old she once interrupted a bedtime story to tell me, "In a pie-eating contest, it doesn't matter if you win or lose because...you get to eat pie."
I think about that a lot.
My son came home from school and said: “Dad, I got a part in the school play, I play a man who's been married 30 years."
I replied: “Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."
What do you call a bee that doesn’t brag about their accomplishments?
A humble bee
What does Harry Potter say after taking a shower?
Ex smelly arm pits!
Why did the car have a belly ache?
Because it had gas!
Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon
After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.
Why do some couples go to the gym?
They want their relationship to work out.
What is a pilgrim's favorite genre of music?
Plymouth rock.
My prime years
My prime years were when I was 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, and 89.
Do you know why the life guards couldn’t save the old hippie?
He was too far out man!
I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He's a small arms dealer.
I wanted to write an encouraging message on a Special Olympics promo video.
But comments were disabled.
New York City is just a place of perpetual disappointment and irresponsbility.
They drop the ball every year.
Who is the greatest bodybuilder ever?
Frankenstein
From my son.
What happens when you play a loud note into someone’s ear?
It hertz.
I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them
Not only that but I can also tell if they're standing.
I was getting lost in geometry so my teacher told me…
Just follow the sine.
I had a girlfriend in college who demanded to know how pretty she was on a scale from 1 to 10.
I said yur an eight. So she did.
Somebody asked me if I knew a guy called “Quasimodo”.
I told them that name rings a bell.
What do you call a gaming console that was accidentally made?
Unintendo
When my daughter was a toddler...I was doing the obvious good parent thing and training her to use a small toilet I had bought her.
Only for some reason, every time she saw it she burst into tears and was absolutely unconsolable.
The second time it happened I'm holding her, trying to comfort her and ask "What's wrong honey? Why are you crying?"
And in between sobs she chokes out, "It's.. it's my... it's my potty and I'll cry if I want to..."
What happens when you teach a wolf to meditate?
It becomes aware wolf!
My left hand is quite good
On the other hand, is my right hand
Why did the flamingo cross the road at dawn?
He wanted to get a leg up on the day
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