My boss asked me: why I am sick on week days only?
I said it must be my weekend immune system
I immediately woke up my puppy when he started mumbling in his dream about the earth being flat.
I don’t let sleeping dogs lie.
Just once I'd like someone to call me Sir without the added
"You're causing a scene. We're going to have to ask you to leave."
To who ever stole my anti-depressants….
I hope you are happy now
I asked a German girl for her phone number.
I'm still waiting for the rest of it, as she's only given me the first number. "Nein".
happy father's day!one of my friends told me years ago that his daughter came up to him and said, DADDY! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!
he said thank you and she should let her mommy know that too. so she went to her mommy and said, MOMMY! I LOVE DADDY SO MUCH!
happy father's day, all!
This dadjoke subreddit is really importantMy humor goes father here
Ps. Happy Father’s Day!
My paper plane won’t fly
It’s completely stationary
What is the fastest male fruit?
Mango
I used to look up to my dad
But then I got taller!
The woman who fell from a cruise ship has been named
Eileen Dover
Cottage Cheese isn’t really cheese
It’s just a curd to me.
Yeah. I've had a colonoscopy. I guess you could say I had a...
CAMERON DIAZ
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
My Boss suggested I sign up for a 401k
No way I am running that far
I thought I knew my rights and lefts, 'til someone changed my view with the 'L' trick...
He was undeniably left. I was so embarrassed I went up and right left then and there.
Bruce Lee had a brother no one liked
Brocco
My dad asked for something groundbreaking for Father's Day...
So I got him a shovel.
You know what’s wild?
Undomesticated animals.
You know why you can never hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
What do salamander lumberjacks do?
Well, they axolotl trees
Do you know what happens when you eat aluminum foil?
You sheet metal. 😎
I accidentally drank my laxatives with holy water.
I'm about to start a religious movement.
My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm.
It would be a lot less weird if she'd just let me in.
My in-laws stopped over for the weekend. My Father-in-law forgot to pack deodorant, so my wife offers the choice of a deodorant and an antiperspirant, and asks "which one would you like?".. he looks, pauses, and replies " ummm"I chimed in... "give him a minute, he's stinking about it!"
(Of course nobody except my father in law chuckled. :)
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