I got cast in a film about a bakery. It’s not a huge part.
Just a small roll
Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears. "What's the matter?" asks Olaf. "Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets.""No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," comments the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"
" I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
"Dad, why are those ants carrying signs and chanting slogans?"
"Son, those are Protest ants."
There are more airplanes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.
That's plane to sea.
Why do women prefer rocks to minerals?
because typically, mineral the same.
Did you hear about the man who was born with five penises?
He walked kind of funny, but his pants fit like a glove.
I became vegan 3 years ago. Every meal now feels like ..
A missed steak
Never date a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
What would you call a reindeer that likes to swim in the ocean?
Rudolphin.
I want a pet that’s easy to care for and I’m considering getting a Mexican salamander
I heard they don’t axelotl of you.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?”
The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
Why should someone with great reflexes be in a leadership role?
They have a lot of response ability
When Kit Carson wasn't out exploring, he lived on a small farm. One day, the famous frontiersman decided to surprise his wife with eggs and fish for breakfast.Arising early, he went down to the henhouse and collected some fresh eggs. There were only six.
On the way back, he stopped at the pond and landed a magnificient large-mouth bass. He wasn't sure how to carry everything---then he had an idea. He carefully dropped the eggs inside the fish and started for home.
Suddenly, the Western hero found himself confronted by a mean, hungry looking wolf. Fearing that he might become a meal for the canine, he threw the bass aside and hurried up a nearby tree. From there, he watched as the wolf grabbed his fish, eggs and all, and ran off.
When Carson got back home empty handed, he related the adventure to Mrs. Carson, who responded, saying, "You shouldn't have put all your eggs in one bass, Kit."
A ballroom is not a very secure location.
Anyone can just waltz in there.
There was a time I forgot how to throw a boomerang
but then it came back to me.
I felt so happy when 7 girls asked me out…
…of the girls’ washroom.
Basement moistureMy wife and I were discussing the unfinished basement in our old home.
She said it doesn’t take a rock scientist to have a dehumidifier down there. I replied that it doesn’t take a drain surgeon to install a sump pump.
My nonbinary child was crying yesterday.
So I patted their back, and said "Their, their."
I got a once in a lifetime setup today irlFor mothers day, I got my wife a professional photo shoot with the kids, which was scheduled for this afternoon.
There was one portion where it was the kids and my wife in a pretend kitchen as if they were cooking together.
My oldest started to get a little rough with the prop eggs, and the photographer cautioned her to be careful.
Me, to the photographer: yeah, you've always gotta be careful when working with food. Did you hear about the photographer that got crushed by a wheel of parmesan?
Photographer: oh my god, no, what happened?
Me: well, everybody in the picture tried to warn her...........
Which tool is best in the post office?
A hammer. They're great for nail orders, and even better at nail delivery.
I was breastfed until 3.
But enough about my day, how was yours?
Why did the alien get into the insulation business?
E.T. foam home
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you the bartender replies.
You are out of your head
What do you call a traditional English folk song from the 16th century, but played entirely with fart sounds?
Beansleeves!!
Titanic was 100 years ago
Let that sink in
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