Confucius says
Man who walks sideways through a turnstile in Thailand going to Bangkok.
I don't like people who take drugs...
For example, airport security.
I said to my son, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." He asked, "Is it for a clock?" I answered...
"I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"
What do you call a Chinese man with an amputated leg?
Tai Wan Shu
I have a couple of dad jokes for you. (Set up)A- Why did the chicken cross the road?
B- idk why?
A- To get to the idiots house.
Let it sit. they are confused.
A- Knock knock.
B- Who's there?
A- The chicken.
What rock group has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore. . .
What gets longer when pulled, works best when jerked and inserts into a slot?
A seatbelt.
“Dad, why don’t eggs tell jokes?”
Because they’d crack each other up.
I thought physical therapy was a big scam until I finally went to one for my lower back
I stand corrected
If a letter is mail, what's a bill?
Fee mail
What types of birds stick together?
Vel-crows
What cheeses sound like the wind?
Bries.
I used to hate facial hair…
…but then it grew on me.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
My book about poltergeist is a massive success....
the books are flying off the shelves
You know why janitors make the best criminals?
Cause they always make a clean getaway.
What kind of music does a chiropractor listen to?
Hip-Pop
Did you hear about the couple who split up after the race?
At least they had a good run.
My wife caught me riding a dolphin. I said it was accidental…
…but she swears it was on porpoise.
Why did the king go to the dentist
To work on his crown
What do you call a fast food joint on a wooden ship?
Fleetwood Mac
I’m going to be on the tv show ‘hoarders’
I won’t tell you what happens tho, I don’t like giving stuff away!
My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis.
I replied, "That's 15 love."
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face …
I cut down a rubber tree over an hour ago
I'm still waiting for it to bounce back
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