Somebody threw a beer at Donald Trump today
Don't worry, it was a draft. He was able to dodge it.
So my wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but..turns out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
I had a fling with a lady janitor, she was always stoned so I had to break it off with her...
I'm just not into high maintenance women!
In 3,024 years, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I've been diagnosed with a fear of giants
Feefiphobia
My bodybuilder friend said he got big without using protein supplements
‘No whey?’ I said
My wife said quilts are better than duvets.
I said she should be more careful making blanket statements.
Football
Today I discovered two things about the Actor Yul Bruner, 1)- He was a lifelong Liverpool Football Club Supporter. And 2)- He never wore Aftershave. That’s right Yul never wore cologne.
Why didn't the tow rope get promoted?
Because it couldn't pull its own weight.
What do you call a man who can lift up a car?
Jack
Con is the opposite of pro.
So the opposite of progress is congress.
I recently visited a US state north of Texas and south of Kansas.
It wasn’t great… but it was OK.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
0mg
I'm going to Mexico and I want to swim with the dolphins. My wife actually wanted to swim with the sharks but they are too expensive
I hear it costs an arm and a leg
My son is so proud of his VR headset but I told him my chainsaw is better
Its cutting hedge techology
How do pirates cover their booty?
With plunderwear.
My wife keeps blowing everything out of proportion.
She is single-handedly ruining my balloon animal business.
I have a pure bread dog…
His name is Fidough
CemeteryHave you ever wondered why there's a fence around the cemetery?
It's because people are dying to get in!
What was more important than the first telephone invented?
The second telephone
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We had a few drinks. Turns out he’s a web designer.
A gymnast walks into a bar.
The judge says, "Zero points".
Death
How can Funeral Directors increase the funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living. I just can’t work it out.
A rabbit, a priest, and a minister all go to a blood drive. The greeter says, do you know your blood type?
The rabbit says, I think I’m a type O.
How do you send a caterpillar 100 feet into the air?
You put it on its back.
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