Did you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you, and realize how lucky you are? ...
I just did and apparently I won't be able to fly on this airline anymore.
Doctor, when I fart it makes a sound like “Honda!”Oh, you probably have an abscess.
How can you tell?
Haven’t you heard the phrase? Abscess makes the fart go Honda.
My dad doesn't want me to make breakfast anymore. He said i burn the toast.
I'm worried he might be black-toast-intolerant
I don’t understand how people have a hard time sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed
Eating too much cake is the sin of Gluttony
But eating too much pie is ok because the sin of pi is always zero
My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr.
My Korean friend died yesterday....
So Yung...
Where do boats go when they're sick?
To the dock...
If you get get frustrated with your kids, try not to scream at them. Instead, do some electrical work around the house.
It creates an outlet for your anger.
What happens if you don't chew corn while eating?
You get poopcorn.
I found a cheap boat with no motor.
It was on sail.
I got kicked out of a Vietnamese restaurant.
They banh mi pho life.
My obese parrot just died.....
It is sad, but it’s a weight off my shoulders.
Help, I’m being accused of murder of a K-pop star just because I managed to get into their hotel room while they were sleeping
I know it sounds suspicious but I swear I’m just a big fan
What's a zucchini's favorite game?
Squash
What are the most annoying animals in Jamaica?
The jerk chickens
what do you call your diabetic gf ?
no sugar mommy
My wife put a six pack of Coca-Cola in the oven
She needed baking soda
I named my son IE.
I was trying to make an example out of him.
At Halloween, I painted ghosts on my boomerang...
... that choice came back to haunt me
When I told my dad that i was thinking about starting a business making belts out of goose feathers .
He told me to buckle down and do it!
I'm sorry. I know this sub is not for rants but...
A Catholic priest just hit me with his thurible for no reason and I'm incensed.
Two giraffes walk into a bar.
The zebra laughs and walks under it.
What animal can jump higher than a tree?
Any animal. Trees can't jump.
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