My wife says I’m getting fat, but in my defense:
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.
I was on a date with a woman who kept randomly interjecting our conversation with opinions. “They don’t make bedsheets like they used to.” “Quilting is boring.” “Duvet covers aren’t worth the money.”
Finally I said, “You’ve got to stop making blanket statements.”
Gloria Gaynor was hosting a dinner party for six of her friends at her home.
When they arrived, they panicked when finding out one couldn't make it. "That's ok." she told them. "I will serve five."
Why is 𝞹 afraid of water?
Because it's irrational
An armed man robs a bank with 2 CDs glued to his glasses. The cashier hands the man all the money and then says “Got to ask, what’s with the CDs?”
He replies “It’s my disk-eyes”
40 years ago today, l asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most gorgeous woman l know to marry me.
All three said no.
A boy was walking down the street carrying a burlap sack......something inside the sack was wiggling. A man stopped him and asked what was in the sack.
"My puppies, see?" The man says "Those are some very cute puppies, what are their names?"
"That's Fido, and that is Spot, and that one is Liberace." "Liberace! That's an odd name for a puppy. Why Liberace?"
"He's the pianist of the bunch."
Last night in bed, my girlfriend was mumbling about being born in 1892 and writing the Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings
I thought: 'she's Tolkien in her sleep again.'
If you cut off your Left Arm...Your Right Arm will be left.
Edit: Corrected a typo
The clown I hired for my kid’s birthday just crapped on the living room floor.
Only the kids think that shit is funny.
40 years ago today, l asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most gorgeous woman l know to marry me.
All three said no
What's a coin collector's favorite ice cream flavor?
Mint.
A clown held a door open for me.
I thought that was a nice jester.
Why did the math teacher only date integers?
He liked to keep his relationships discreet
Waiter this coffee tastes like mud.
That's funny sir, it was only ground this morning.
How do you get an alien to change a lightbulb?
Take them to your ladder.
Gender explained with biblical characters
XY is Adam
XX is Eve
YYY is Delila.
Every fortune teller I've ever met is either incredibly depressing or way too enthusiastic.
Why is it so hard to find a happy medium?
What do call a pig that knows karate?
A pork chop
Know why gas stations charge you money to fill your tires?
Inflation.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
They are afraid of the mouse
I have a hen that counts her own eggs.
She’s a mathmechicken
Fever is at the top of the list of worst symptoms for illness.
While constipation is a solid number two.
Jed comes home from college for summer break
As Jed walks in the door, he asks his brother Zeke "Where's my cat?"
Zeke replies "Cat’s dead!"
Jed takes the news hard: "You can't just spring something like that on me! Couldn't you have broken it to me gently?"
"Like how?" Zeke asks.
"Lead up to it or something, like: 'Well, the cat ran out the back door, and then he got up on the roof, and we couldn't get him down...'."
"Gotcha" Zeke replies. "Sorry about that".
"That's ok" Jed says “Where's Dad?"
"Um… well, Dad ran out the back door, and then he got up on the roof..."
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his chef when he saw the vegetables were not prepped?
GET TO THE CHOPPER!
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