Rofkar Computer Sciences

Had to leave my job at the gym cause I couldn’t even lift 20kgs
I had to submit my too weak notice

I stole Bob Iger's necktie. Now, when I sport it while visiting Disney, the employees stare at me strangely.
They're all watching me wear the tie of the Iger.

Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.
They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and disease! Brutish, incorrect lengths had been forced together, buckling the wood and bulging the steel at points, as if death, itself, were attempting to escape. It was festooned with beast-like emblems and decrepid artifacts: skulls, antlers, skins, totems, and drenched in the color of blood!

It was TRUE! The house really was haunted!

"OOOoooOOOoOOooOoOouuUUUUUuuuuUOOuouOUO"

Now the boys realized with sheer horror that the insane moaning was definitely coming from the coffin!

Before the boys could turn and run, the coffin began to shake! They froze.

Then it suddenly LIFTED off the ground! They gaped in terror!

Shaking violently and rising, the coffin started to turn. It turned and turned, and gained speed. It was spinning in the air before them! A mix of terror and fascination gripped them. Unable to look away. Unable to run. It spun faster and faster AND FASTER!

"OOOoooOOOoOOooOoOouuUUUUUuuuuUOOuouOUOOOOOOOoo"

The first boy with the knife slashed in the air in front of him, as if to stab away at the evil! Then he dropped the knife and ran back up the stairs, never to be seen again.

The second boy with the gun fired warning shots at the ceiling BANG! BANG!, but then thought better of it, dropped his gun and also ran up the stairs, and also was never to be seen again.

The third boy stood there calmly, reached into his pocket and popped a cough drop into his mouth. He sucked on it for a bit.

And the coffin stopped.

“Dad, I’m struggling. I just found out I lost my job. My girlfriend broke up with me, I’m three months behind on rent, my car got repossessed, and I barely have enough money to eat. I haven’t slept in days, I feel like my whole life is falling apart, and I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.”
“Hi Struggling, I’m Dad.”

I have an immense phobia for german sausages
I can’t help but fear the wurst

Why did the Mexican take anti anxiety pills?
For Hispanic attacks

What does the mob call it when they put a hit out on an FBI informant?
Whack-a-mole.

What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Sham-boo.

(Happy Halloween everyone)

Why did the thesaurus cross the road?
To get to the other side, edge, border, and margin!

DNA results came back and the doctor said I’m a Kurd.
I said “No Whey?!”

There was 2 cannibals eating a clown...
one cannibal looks at the other cannibal and asks,

"does this taste funny to you?"

In the Lord Of The Rings universe, you can take over a shopping centre with one phone call
One ring to rule the mall

What do you call it when someone clearly has kids?
Apparent

A pun walks into a bar and kills ten people
Pun in, Ten dead

Which Frenchman wishes he was more like a farmyard animal?
Jean Paul Goatier

After a rough day at work, my wife barged into our bedroom and said, "I need to vent!"
Concerned, I said, "Of course, honey."

So I opened the windows.

Why did the dyslexic take a fishing pole to the bathroom?
He had to take a carp.

What singer do bees love?
Sting.

What do you call a child who starts screaming or crying when you put him/her in Santa's lap?
Claustrophobic

The cannibal faces his death sentence. "Any wishes for your last meal?"
"Five guys!"

What does a dyslexic zombie eat?
Brians

He liked to extol the virtues of Indian flat bread
It was his wont to naantificate.

What did the fish say when he hit a brick wall?
Dam.

What do you call a Mexican with a prosthetic foot?
Roberto.

What do you call it when Frankenstein prepares potatoes?
Monster mash.