Yesterday I saw a Chinese man in a lobster costume get run over by a bus.
I felt bad for that poor crushed Asian.
Mike Ditka, NFL Legend dead at 86The family has announced who will have the honor of carrying his coffin to his final resting place:
DA pall BEARS
RIP Big Guy
I'm on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German Sausage.Unfortunately, I'm seated in the last row.
I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
Sauron prefers sedans over coupes
There are More doors
[Warning! 18+]
19
I stumbled across a YouTube channel dedicated to Jewish colonoscopies.
I spent hours going down rabbi holes.
I'm about to spend the afternoon interrogating a duck.
Eventually he'll quack under the pressure.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an ithberg.
I’m so excited to sleep over at my cannibal girlfriend’s place for the first time tonight.
She said she’s gonna make me breakfast in the morning!
My dad got lost in the fog...
He will be mist.
A photon goes into a hotel…
The bellhop asks if he needs help with luggage and the photon replies, “Nope, I’m traveling light.”
Why did Peter Pan give up comedy?
His jokes never, never land
I accidentally super glued my thumb to my index finger
It's going to be OK for now.
What's a whale's favorite food?
A krill cheese sandwich. (via my 8-year-old nephew)
Did you hear the Russians launched a potato into space?
They call it Spudnik
My hubby never makes a decent pot of coffee...
...could that be grounds for divorce?
One big difference between women and men
is that when a woman says "smell this", it usually smells nice.........
Bad news, everyone. I’ve been diagnosed with the peekaboo virus.
They’re sending me to the ICU!
Did you know some breads are considered aphrodisiacs?
Especially the ones made with libidough.
Crows Across the World Have All Gone Silent
Scientists across the world are trying to find the caws.
Why was Riker upset when Troi cooked him dinner?
She said that she got her crabs straight from the wharf
I can't speak Arabic Today...When I was sick and I was in Arabic class, I said I can't speak Arabic today because
I have a bad Qaf (ق).
I heard that Bear Grylls moved to India and became a mystic.
They call him Bear the Yogi
I accidentally dropped my phone in the bath yesterday. Some water got stuck in between the phone and it's cover. I thought my phone was waterproof.
But apparently not in this case.
I taught my car how to read and write.
Now it's going to write an Autobiography
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