“Burger” backwards…
… is Scooby Doo offering to give you a leg massage
At dinner, my frustrated date said, “so napping and sitting around are seriously your only hobbies?? You told me that you were interesting!”
“No, no,” I corrected, “I said that I was into resting.”
Dad-Knock knock. Son-Who's there? Dad-Hike. Son- Hike who?Unsuspecting son
Dad waiting with bated breath
Sets the perfect trap
Why is this time of year Arnold Schwarzenegger’s favourite?
Because he has to love Easter, baby.
Everyone talks about Karl Marx but what about...
Everyone talks about Karl Marx but what about his sister Anya, the inventor of the startup pistol
Everyone told me I needed a duel income in this economy.
Now I’m in jail for slapping people with my gloves.
What’s faster than an escalator?
An escasooner
I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She asked me...
“How do you know it was on it’s way to work?”
Did you hear about the depressed fisherman?
He just felt like he had no porpoise.
Weirdest thing about the zombie outbreak in Egypt was that the birth rates actually went *up*
Must have been all the pharaoh moans in the air
Polling best drinkCoffee was just voted the best drink in the nation.
It was an unfair vote, there were absent tea ballots
Did you hear about the guy who collapsed trying to climb Mount Everest?
Authorities just found Himalayan there.
What do you call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher . 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
What do you call a cold penguin?
A brrrrd!
Once you've been stung eight times, the next one can cause you to develop a tumor.
Thankfully, it's probably bee nine.
Archaeologists say that all the houses in Pompeii had the same design flaw.
The flaw is lava.
Dad jokes are the best, and heres why...
Why
I told my kids we’ll be looking for a new car soon maybe a Kia soul.
Told them I’ll have to do some soul searching first!!
During chemistry class, I learned that sulphuric acid should never be put into a metal container.
Its just an oxidant waiting to happen..
What is the opposite of a croissant?
A happy uncle.
Did you know there is one specific model of car you can legally drive in the bus lane, but only in reverse
Because if you are going backwards in a Subaru , U R A Bus
Constipation Ad
So a constipation medicine add came on TV and he said Why would anyone buy that? I personally don't give a crap.
Why are Trams better than trains?
Even when they're backwards, they're still smart.
Why does the navy protect churches?
Because it's a house of warships
You’ve all seen alligator clips, but do you know about froggy clips?
It’s when the moon passes between the earth and a frog.
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