My son was born without eyelids. So the skin from the circumcision was used to make eyelids. Everything turned out good.
The only thing is he turned out a little cockeyed.
Many years ago, I found Steve Jobs stealing my furniture cleaner from under my kitchen sink
Bloody Jobs, coming over here, stealing our polish
Told my urologist that I was peeing 3 times a night and asked what could be done
A finger insert later he said, “urine trouble”
A man wakes up in the hospital. The phone rings, a doctor tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, you have Avian flu, Ebola, you're HIV positive and have hepatitis." The man asks "What are you going to do?"
The doc replies: "For starters we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza." "Will that really help me?" "No, but it's all we can fit under the door."
The meteorologist who developed the Heat Index passed away yesterday.
He was 88, but felt like 95
I can't believe I'm making a joke about spanking Dwayne Johnson...
...I've really hit Rock Bottom.
Why did the rooster go to the bank?
To open a chicken account
What do you say to a Russian official complaining about Ukranian airstrikes?
“Crimea river!”
I went shopping for cherries and microphone stands.
Bought a bing, bought a boom.
What do you call a chameleon that can't change its colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction
Give me your best "In high school, I was voted Most Likely To..." jokes
My personal favourite: "In high school, I was voted Most Likely to Hold a Grudge... I'm still angry about it"
Do weightlifters put in their too weak notice?
🏋️
A newlywed couple moves into their new houseOne day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”
The husband says, “What do I look like, a plumber?”
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you check it for me?”
He says, “What do I look like, a mechanic?”
Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”
He says, “What do I look like, a handy-man?”
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.
“Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says.
“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls.
The wife says, “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.”
“Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband.
She said, “ Do I look like Betty Crocker?”
The NBA team 'Toronto Raptors' really missed the opportunity...
... to call themselves the 'Toronto Saurus-Rexes.'
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect Goth Ham.
There was a discussion in the break room today about how sometimes supposedly fresh peaches at the grocery store have been frozen and thawed before you buy them -
- sadly, the topic had already changed before I could inform my coworkers that produce companies have a constitutional right to freeze peach.
My wife is getting to the age where she collects pets
She’s going through many-paws.
An Elderly Italian man went to his local church for confessionAn elderly Italian man went to his local church for confession.
When the priest opened the screen, the old man said:
“Father… during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood came to my door.
She was terrified and begged me to hide her from the Nazis.
So I hid her in my attic.”
The priest replied gently,
“My son, that was a brave and compassionate act. There is nothing to confess there.”
The man hesitated.
“There’s more, Father.
She showed her gratitude by becoming… very affectionate with me.
Several times a week.
Sometimes even twice on Sundays.”
The priest paused, then said,
“My son, those were extraordinary times.
You both lived in fear for your lives.
Human weakness under such conditions is understandable.
If you are truly sorry, you are forgiven.”
The old man sighed with relief.
“Thank you, Father. That lifts a great burden from my heart.”
Then he added,
“One last question…”
“Yes?” said the priest.
“Should I tell her the war is over?”
3 jokes I made up!!The government made a tragic typo and elected a bathroom for president.
Now Joe Bidet's running the US.
(2/3) Yesterday I saw a sentient line going around hitting everything with a punching glove.
That's the punch line.
(3/3) What birds are there in Portugal?
Portu-gulls and Portu-geese.
Sorry if these jokes are dry, otherwise thanks!!
What do you call two chefs who share an apartment?
Rouxmates
A man was arrested for stealing desserts
He was put in custardy for a trifle
What do you call someone who provides physical therapy to Italian desserts?
A tiramasseur
My wife said I talk to strangers online more than I talk to her.
So I asked Reddit how to reply.
I got my phone out and asked my Amish friends what music they'd like to hear
They said "tech no"
Age.
I hate it when people say age is only a number.
Age is clearly a word.
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