A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” "But you are the lawyer" replied the cops.
"Exactly, so where’s my present?"
Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.
It's also their biggest import.
Fun fact; around 60% of people who watched The Cure live in concert...
actually watched Placebo and enjoyed it just as much.
Scientists recently combined the DNA of a Cheetah with the DNA of a Crab.
Things went sideways really fast!
My wife asked me to name all my sexual partners in order.
I probably should have stopped when I got to her name.
i told a joke during a work zoom call, and nobody laughed.
evidently i am not even remotely funny.
What do you call a grizzly with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer?
The space bar.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me...
when their tent collapsed.
My son asked why I set the microwave timer to six minutes instead of a minute & a half for my burrito.
I told him, "so that it cooks in a quarter of the time." He is still baffled.
Accidentally drank an invisibility potion
At the ER now, waiting to be seen.
What do you call a mediocre protractor?
Amateurtractor
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough. She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
Why should you never iron your four leaf clover?
Because you shouldn't press your luck!
A man with no arms needed a job.
He saw an ad for someone to ring church bells. When the priest at the church asked how he could do the job with no arms, the man ran head first into the bell, making it ring. The priest decided that it was good enough and hired him. One day a few months later, the man was in the bell tower and as he was making his run head first into the bell he tripped, falling 50 feet from the tower and dying. A woman who saw it happen ran up to check on him and asked who the man was to a crowd that had gathered around the body. One man stepped forward and said “I don’t know the guy’s name but his face rings a bell”.
My dog ate my pronouns.
He-She-It everywhere!
People can be so mean these days.
That's standard though. Pretty average if you will.
When I dunk my cookies in milk, I think of my ex wife.
(And hold them under until the bubbles stop. )
I went to a bookstore recently.
Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I wondered why they were doing that. Then IT hit me.
I just made up this joke, I hope its original!Q: A pirate captain, his first mate, and their crew of seven scallywags had sailed the seven seas for years. They suffered from scurvy, gnarly skin conditions, and dehydration, but tests showed they never developed any malignant tumors. Why were they always cancer-free?
A: Because there be nine!
What smells bad when living but smells good when dead?
Bacon!
What do you call a beagle with average grades?
A seagull.
Why are pigs bad at sports?
Because they hog the ball.
What does a car put on it’s toast?
Traffic jam
Man goes to his DoctorPatient: “Doctor, you have to help me, I think I can see in the future.”
Doctor: “When did it start?”
Patient: “Next Friday.”
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