You can tell Donald Trump is a self-made man.He does everything himself. He pisses himself. He shits himself.
He can even go fuck himself.
A time traveller appears in a bar, taking half an hour to fully materialize
The bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, buddy... Why the long phase?"
Do you know what would be a great name for diarrhea medicine?
Gonorrhea
My kid texted me: “I just spilled bleach and baking soda all over the floor. What do I do??” I wrote back: “Throw a blanket over it.” A minute later he replied: “Okay… now what?”
I said: “Nothing. All our bases are covered.”
Where would you find a peacock at a grocery store?
Next to the peanuts.
Why is it so hard for woman to work in the postal Services?
Because its such a mail dominated industry
A guy walks into a bar and orders a Sex on the Beach. After he has a sip, he spits it out.
He screams at the bartender, "THIS IS F**KING CLOSE TO WATER!"
A man walks in a bar and shouts “free beers outside!”So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.
The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man “what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!”
The man says “Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them”
My car broke down halfway between my lake house and the Hallmark store.
My car broke down halfway between my lake house and the Hallmark store. I was stuck between a dock and a card place.
Our local bra store went out of business
I don’t know if it went tits up or tits down.
Got tired of working with transistors…
Eventually started studying for a lower degree in the field of railway transportation. Graduated a semi-conductor.
What do you call a plane full of bald people
Receding airlines
Why did the transgender man only eat salad?
He was a her-before
The Grill Comparison:
A husband rudely tells his wife, "Your butt is getting so big, it’s larger than our BBQ grill!" Later that night, he tries to initiate some romance, but his wife immediately shuts him down. When he asks what's wrong, she replies, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?".
Did you hear about the woman at the airport who backed into a moving propeller?
Disaster
I started going to a Chinese cooking class that is taught by Steven Tyler.
He keeps telling me to "wok this way!"
Janitor.What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "Supplies!"
The famous singer Sting has been kidnapped.
The Police have no lead.
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system?
The reviews all said one star.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father-in-law
Shirley MacLaine once asked Leslie Neilson for a date.
He said, “Don’t call me, Shirley.”
My dad farted..
..in an elevator, It was wrong on so many levels...
Son asked about my workplace.My son asked how many people work at my workplace.
I answered about half of them.
What do you say to your sister when shes crying
Are you having a crisis?
I worship people who have been stabbed.
Why? Because they're holey!
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