A man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. "I am a turtle," he says. "Who's on your back?"
"That's Michelle
A small church was raising funds for a new piano. On Sunday the pastor said, “Whoever gives the most money today for the offering can pick out 3 hymns.So they passed the basket around and the pastor saw a $100 bill in there.
He said “Looks like we have a winner! Whoever gave the $100 bill can come to the front & select 3 hymns.”
An 80-year old woman got up, walked to the front, & pointing her finger at the congregation, said,
“I’ll take him, him, and him!“
I might have to start going back to church.
A very skinny girl came into a bookstore and asked the clerk”What is the chance you would have a book on religion curing an eating disorder.”
The clerk responded Slim to nun
If a bee is bothering you, don’t run away or swat at it. Just stare at it.
Because seeing is bee leaving
My dwarf friend Phil has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on his size,
so to cheer him up when he gets home from work, I've got pizza, beer, chocolates, cigars and I'm going to run him a nice hot sink after dinner.
A man read 12.5% of the Bible.
He's an eightheist.
Did you hear about the farsighted circumciser?
He forgot his glasses one day and got the sack
Actually, it's pronounced "jaslight".
You've been saying it wrong the whole time.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool
So I gave him a glass of water
What do you call a short-sighted dinosaur?
A doyouthinkhesaurus."
Army.
What do you call an army of babies ?
Infantry.
My friends found a large plastic water bottle on their farm. Inside was packed several pieces of paper.The papers were filled with wild claims that my friends stated were dubious at best but I think they should trust the information.
After all, it came from a litre in their field.
Why was the apple arrested?
In cider trading.
It's too highIt was hot yesterday so I turned on the overhead fan. Asked my wife if it bothered her. She said it was too high. I said, well, it's a ceiling fan.
Got a groan and an eye roll.
I have a friend that claims he was a man trapped in a woman’s body
Then he was born
My wife lost her dictionary.
I tried comforting her, but my words seem to have no meaning to her now.
What did the bra say to the hat?
“You go on ahead, and I will give these two a lift."
If this doesn't work, I'm throwing the car into reverse.
Always gotta have a backup plan.
I’ve been hosting a poker game with oversized playing cards.
It’s kind of a big deal.
Four math professors walk into a barthe barman asks: "do you all want a beer?"
First one says: "I don't know"
Second one says: "I don't know"
Third one says: “i don’t know”
Fourth one says: “yes please”
Why did the pirate have a steering wheel in his pants?
He said, “it drives me nuts”
A neighborhood pub planned a costume party & the bartender announced they must all come dressed up as their love life. On the night of the party the bartender spotted some old geezer dressed as Abraham Lincoln.He walked over to him and said, “Hey, you were supposed to come dressed up as your love life.
With a shrug and a sly grin the older man replied,” Oh, I have. My four scores were seven years ago."
What's a necromancer's favourite food?
The necronomnomnomicon.
What do you call a brass instrument made of socks?
A sockxophone.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
1Forrest1
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