Son: Dad, I think the bougie man is under the bed? Dad: Don't you mean the boogeyman?
Voice from under the bed: Wow, the thread count on these sheets is PATHETIC.
I live my life by a couple of simple rules.No pee jokes. That's number one.
No poop jokes. That's number two.
The guy that invented pants?
He was a real slacker.
What do you call a crab that plays baseball?
A pinch hitter!
Did you hear about the two radios that got married?
The reception was amazing.
I have a pun about the wind but
It blows
I found my physics professor face down on his desk crying before class. I put my hand on his shoulder and asked, “Hey, what’s the matter?”
He looked up at me and said, “Anything that has mass and takes up space.”
What do you call an Egyptian witch?
A sandwich.
Sorry, it was only a sneeze...
I didn't mean to yell achoo
I thought for sure I’d be hired after I nailed my interview at a psychic’s office.
But apparently I didn’t pass the foreground check.
You can take my fireworks when you pry them from my cold, dead hands!
Which are over there on the sidewalk...
What’s the difference between a joke and a dick?
I can’t take a joke
My next door neighbors couldn't pay their water bill...
So I sent them a get well soon card.
I started a factory making flip-flops for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
If you're ever in a canoe and fall overboard
You can wear the canoe as a hat. Because it's cap-sized.
What type of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree.
A guy just came to my door trying to sell solar panels. I said I'm not interested. He asked if I wanted a pamphlet anyway.
I said, bro sure.
Why can't a leopard hide?
He's always spotted.
Houses.Did you hear about one house falling in love with another house? It was a lawn-distance relationship.
My wife wants to spoon in the bed
But I would rather fork
I just ate the numbers 3, 5, 7, 9 and 11.
They taste odd.
I almost died from radiation poisoning.
My half-life flashed before my eyes.
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid, “State of the art! Cost me a small fortune.” I said, “Awesome. What type is it?” He replied...
“Two thirty.”
I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk...
...but I never got the chants.
My teacher told me I could never do poetry because of my dyslexia.
But so far, I've made three cups and a vase...so "there" Mr. Peterson!
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