As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
“You know… one would’ve been enough.”
When I was a kid, I could walk into a store with $1 and walk out with 4 candy bars.
Now they have cameras everywhere.
Alcohol and calculus should never mix.
Don’t drink and derive
TIL the movie Hereditary was named as such because of how certain things are passed thru bloodlines
… not because her head hit a tree …
My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...
What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken
Bought one of those ‘smart light switches’ but it was much too clever
So I replaced it with a dimmer switch
I’m moving from the US to Europe and my friend asked if my new house has a yard. I said no…
It has a meter.
On the first day of our family trip up the coast of Maine, my son pointed and said, “Dad, look! There’s a lighthouse!”
I said, “No, son… it’s actually pretty heavy.”
How do you keep someone dumb in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow.
What do ducks eat with their soup?
Quackers!
Most people are shocked
Whenthey find out how bad i am as an electrician
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet...
You can hide, but you can't run!
"That's a nice ham you got there." The butcher said...
"Would be a shame if I put 's' in front of it and 'e' at the end..."
I told my wife I’ll surprise her on her birthday
She was surprised when I came back home with no gift
I shoplifted a hat and forgot to take the label off.
Now I've got a price on my head.
Which radio station does Sisyphus listen to?
Non-stop rock
My local bird sanctuary banned me from telling dad jokes.
The last one killed two birds with one groan.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids weren’t much to look at either.
Paraguay?
Looks more like 11 guys to me
I am not saying I'm attractive
But when I take off my clothes in the bathroom.... I turn the shower on
If you see a crime at an apple store.
Does that make you an iWitness?
Is it just me, or is everyone on this sub good looking?
Nope. Guess it's just me.
Why Should You Never Marry a Tennis Player?
Because Love means nothing to them
my arm was red and itchy so i kept scratching it all day
it was a rash decision
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