Englishmen dies and arrives at those pearly gates...An English man dies and arrives at the pearly gates where St Peter greets him with "ok I have reviewed your life and you were decent enough, no mortal sins, but you did a few bad things so you have to go to purgatory for a year then you can enter heaven"
The Englishman thinks for a second and asks "can I see heaven quickly first so I know what I will get" and St Peter says OK and opens the Pearly gates. The Englishman looks into heaven and sees beautiful clear blue skies, prestine beaches with beautiful bikini clad women under palm trees sipping cocktails. Looks great he says. He thinks for a bit more and asks can he see hell as well so he can see what he avoided. St Peter says we don't get many such requests but why not and opens a door leading downwards.
The Englishman enters hell sees beautiful clear blue skies, prestine beaches with beautiful bikini clad women under palm trees sipping cocktails.
Looks great he says so what's the problem with hell? He sees the devil in a beach chair under a palm tree and goes up to him and asks "why is hell so nice?"
The Devil responds "Bonjour l'Anglais. En enfer, on vit bien, mais il faut parler français en permanence."
"The Chain"What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no penis? No fuckin' idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no penis? Still no fuckin' idea.
My Dad Joke, but from the child's point of view.I came up with this one on one of the many "voluntold" weekend projects my Dad dragged me and my siblings into.
When someone would ask what happened next, or otherwise asked me something, I would just reply "I don't know. I am just the sired help."
My Dad was mixed angry and proud of me for that one...
Fun fact: Koi fish always travel in groups of 4.
If attacked, the A B and C koi will scatter, leaving behind the D koi.
What do you call a midsize vehicle with 4 wheels, a flat bed in back, and hops off the ground about once every 20-30 seconds?
A hiccup truck
A man was out in his backyard digging a deep holeA man was out in his backyard digging a deep hole when he suddenly struck something hard. He cleared away the dirt to find a heavy, wooden chest. With trembling hands, he pried it open and found it was filled to the brim with gold coins and ancient jewelry.
Overjoyed, he was about to drop his shovel and run inside to tell his wife the incredible news that they were finally rich beyond their wildest dreams. But then, he paused, looked back down at the deep hole he had been working on all afternoon, and remembered exactly why he was digging in the garden in the first place.
God originally wanted cows to make honey. But they were always moody after making milk
So he went with plan bee
My mom told me, to never ride my bike near the mental health hospital.
She said that there are dangerous cycle paths there.
People tell me not to put "Short Skirt/Long Jacket" on my Weird Al playlist.
But I will have my Cake and Eat It too.
I gave my wife a glue stick by accident instead of chapstick
She still isn't talking to me
If one door must close for another to open...
You're probably in prison or a really bad cabinet maker.
I once played chess against Steve Winwood at a celebrity chess tournament. He tried moving one of his horse pieces in a straight line towards my queen. I asked him…
Don’t you know what the knight can do?
What does Jan Brady say on Passover?
“Matzah, matzah, matzah!”
I always thought orthopedic shoes were overrated.
But I stand corrected.
Why do mermaids wear seashells?
Because they grew out of their B shells.
In the morning, the executioner reads his newspaper and eats breakfast. Then he looks at his watch and says to his wife:
"Alright, it's time to head off."
Did anyone see where the IT worker went?
I heard they ransomware!
My favorite dad joke
I’ve said it for years and no one in my family laughs. Every time I drive by a car dealership early in the morning or late at night, I point to all the cars in the lot and loudly remark how crazy it is that they’re so busy.
What do you call a dentist dinosaur 🦕?
A floss-o-raptor
How do cyberbullies sail?
they use trolling motors
What do you hear when a sea monster snaps your ship in half?
A kraken sound.
Did you know Yoda had a last name?
It was Layheehoo.
While hiking in the mountains of Spain, i found a lot of plastic numbers scattered everywhere along all of the trails. When i got back to the trailhead, I asked the ranger, why I only saw the numbers 1, 2,4,5,6,7,8, and 9. The ranger explained:
We have a strict “leave no tres” policy
No one could understand my business plan.
It won't make cents.
What does one call an unsophisticated pickle?
A dillbilly
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