My son asked me "Where does poo come from?"I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
What are you at risk for if you have sex in a coffin?
A funereal disease.
I didn’t want to believe that my son was stealing from his new job at the department of transportation
But when i got home, there were many signs
I ate someone else's Middle Eastern dinner
I falafel about it.
Why does Yoda like sheep?
Cuz Dagobah. (They go baa!) I will see myself out.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with.
I’ve been tripping all day.
When I got divorced, my wife and I fought over who would get the weed.
In the end, the judge gave us both joint custody
Why do reggae singers hate going to prison?
Because they dread locks
I just broke up with my communist girlfriend.
I should have seen the red flags.
I told my wife I bought her a hoodie that says “DAD JOKES.” She rolled her eyes. “You can’t be serious.”
I said, “Babe, relax… I got you the perfect sighs.”
There are rumors, that Elon Musk will buy "Jack Daniels".
I think that would be a whiskey investment.
What do you call an elderly Egyptian?
Giza
Be careful of any special deals the server offers you at ApplebeesWe'd just finished and out of the blue the server asks "Box for your food, sir?"
Well that was too good to pass up. She was tougher than she looked but I did manage to prevail. And in a clear breach of contract the manager immediately had me arrested.
Sore losers!
What do you call pairs of slacks that play sports?
Partici-pants!
The snowman went to the garden.
He wanted to pick his nose.
Farmer Mike put corn husks in the frame of his truck to help reduce the bouncing.
He calls them his shuck absorbers.
I keep getting texts from Monty Python
Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam
What do you call a nun with low self esteem?
Mother Inferior
What do you do if you see a spaceman?
You park, man
What do you call an Italian diamond?
A gabajewel.
I heard that a vampire set off a truck bomb on Sesame Street
It was counter terrorism
My Mrs told me my face looks like the back of a boat today...
I didn't know what to say, so I gave her a stern look.
Why is it so easy to break out of jail in Hershey, Pennsylvania?
Chocolate bars.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM...
Onion rings.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
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