What kind of jeans does a ghost hunter wear ?
Just a paranormal jean
Why did the cow want a divorce from the bull?
She didn’t feel herd in the relationship
What do you call a Mexican man that has lost all his protein powder?
No whey José
Did you hear about the guy who cut off the left side of his body?
He's all right now.
What do you call a bra that you can’t take off?
A booby trap.
My doctor prescribed me some anti gloating cream.
I can't wait to rub it in!
Do you know what a Zebra is?
It’s twenty six sizes larger than an A bra.
What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing, he was gladiator.
I dropped a hamburger on the floor.
No big deal, it’s just ground beef.
What kind of shoes do kidnappers wear?
White vans
What’s the difference between toilet paper and toast?
Toast is brown on both sides
I bought a new pony and named him Mayo
He's quiet, but sometimes Mayo Neighs
Why does Winnie the Pooh carry an EpiPen?
because he is always breaking into hives.
Why are archeologists so annoying
they always have a bone to pick
why don’t scientists trust atoms?
because they make up everything
How do you spot a cheetah?
No need, they're already spotted.
How do you make 7 even?
Take away the s.
Why did the Egyptian sun god order fries with gravy in Russia?
Because he wanted Ra’s Poutine
Why is the gingerbread man the head of the gingerbread house?
The pastryarchy
Went into a restaurant the other day......And the waiter asked for my drinks order.
"Water, please", I asked.
"Still?" He replied.
The cheek of the man! To ask if I'd changed my mind a mere second after I'd asked for my drink?
Suffice to say I didn't leave a tip.
Historians have made a recent discovery about an ancient Scandinavian monster. A mis-translation has led us to believe that this monster was a giant squid-like being. In reality, it was a chicken who was addicted to methamphetamine
“Release the Crack hen!”
Some Apple Music users were upset when a U2 album was put in their feed
They didn’t like that it was done pro Bono. They’re really on Edge about it.
Airline incidentHalf an hour after an Aer Lingus flight reached 30,000 feet, the captain made an announcement:
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain, Sean Thomas. Welcome aboard Flight 280, non-stop from Dublin to Chicago. The weather is perfect today, so we should have a pleasant, smooth, uneventful flight. So just get comfortable, sit back, relax, and… OH… WHAT THE HELL!!”
The plane went completely silent. 😳
A few moments later, the captain came back on the intercom:
“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so sorry if I alarmed you. While I was speaking, Maureen - our new and rather clumsy flight attendant - accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
From the back of the plane, a passenger shouted:
“For the love of Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!” 🇮🇪😂
Working on a cookbook titled, “Recycled”.
It was the only title Leftover.
When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin’ lettuce and tomato!
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