My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with wearing a different t-shirt every hour.
I said, “Wait, I can change.”
At dinner, I asked my date if she was religious. She said she was still deciding because the Baptists wanted her to join, but so did the Catholics, an Orthodox Jewish congregation, and even a Hindu temple.
I said, “Wow… You clearly have some serious sects appeal.”
I'm thinking about breeding racing deer.
I'm looking to make a quick buck...
Political opinions are like dicks
It’s okay to have them, just don’t shove them down people’s throats.
My wife is mad because every time she farts I hold a lighter up to her butt.
She says I need to stop gaslighting her.
Tried to park my car up in a residential area. One of the people that lived there shouted over to me “you can’t park here unless you have a felt frog on your windscreen”
Apparently, I needed a parking Kermit.
Some idiot threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me!!!!!
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.
I went out for a meal and ordered the Rabbit stew.
I had to return it. It had a hare in it.
My mother worked 12 hours every day just to put food on the table.
Amazing woman, but slowest cook ever.
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian“Do you have that book for men with small penises?”
The librarian looks on her computer and says, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.”
The man replies, “Yeah, that’s the one!”
I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet
So far I've got eight fridges
Yesterday I bought a 12 year old Scotch
His mom was furious!
With regret we announce that the CEO of Ricola Swiss Lozenges has passed away.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
When I was a kid, my parents had a cat named Butter because of his color...When he passed away years later, they were heartbroken. So I got them another cat that looked exactly the same and they named him...
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!
I found the world’s oldest stick of chewing gum.
Miraculously, it’s still in mint condition.
Why did the man fall down the well?
Because he didn’t see that well
How is a handwritten letter like a lazy dog?
A handwritten letter is an ink lined plane.
An inclined plane is a slope up.
A slow pup is a lazy dog.
My wife left her bra on the floor, and I tripped on it
it was a booby trap.
What might you call Spock if he was big and tall?
A hulkin' bulkin' Vulcan.
What do radios eat?
Ham.
My boss gave both his grown kids cushy management positions where all they have to do is sleep all day.
It’s blatant napotism.
What does a Kraken eat?
Fish and ships
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lack toes (lactose)
Legal.
A man is suing
Smart Water for not making him smart, and I'd like to formally announce my lawsuit against
Thin Mints.
Why are Koalas employed?
Cause they have good koalifications.
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