Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears. "What's the matter?" asks Olaf. "Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets.""No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," comments the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"
" I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?”
The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
When Kit Carson wasn't out exploring, he lived on a small farm. One day, the famous frontiersman decided to surprise his wife with eggs and fish for breakfast.Arising early, he went down to the henhouse and collected some fresh eggs. There were only six.
On the way back, he stopped at the pond and landed a magnificient large-mouth bass. He wasn't sure how to carry everything---then he had an idea. He carefully dropped the eggs inside the fish and started for home.
Suddenly, the Western hero found himself confronted by a mean, hungry looking wolf. Fearing that he might become a meal for the canine, he threw the bass aside and hurried up a nearby tree. From there, he watched as the wolf grabbed his fish, eggs and all, and ran off.
When Carson got back home empty handed, he related the adventure to Mrs. Carson, who responded, saying, "You shouldn't have put all your eggs in one bass, Kit."
I was breastfed until 3.
But enough about my day, how was yours?
What seven letter word starts with egg and ends with soup?
CHICKEN.
My wife didn’t understand why my 3 year old was feeding toy cars to his t-rex
I had to remind her it’s carnivorous
I met a genie once. He gave me one wish. I said “I wish I could be you.”
The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."
My nonbinary child was crying yesterday.
So I patted their back, and said "Their, their."
Ancient Romans knew about four types of poisons. Poisons I, II, and III were deadly.
Poison IV would just make you itchy.
Losing my hair at 29 made me self conscious so I have been wearing wigs ever since …
It’s really been a small price toupee
What has 5 toes and is not your foot?
My foot.
What do you call a Frenchman attacked by his cat
Claude
I read that the U.S. government is going to stop making the one-cent coin. What a disaster!
Millions of Americans will be left penniless.
A sheep, a drum, and a rattlesnake fall down a hill...
Bah dum tsssss….
Why do pirates were thermal underwear?
To keep their booty warm
I’m known for puns and I can do them in sign language
Which is quite handy
Where do rappers keep their vegetables?
In the beet box.
Why do celebrities always use the elevator?
To avoid the stares.
What did Zelensky tell his pet bird?
Glory to you, crane!
Finally - I got an amused smile from my wife after a Dadjoke/PunWe were on a bushwalk today and for several dozen meters I farted audibly - perfectly in synch with each step.
I commented, “Fart, Step, Fart, Step, Fart, Step ….. “ Then paused and said, “I guess that makes me a ‘step-farter’”
(I am actually a ‘step-father’ to her adult kids, so it seemed extra appropriate)
She actually gave an amused smile, when she normally groans or refuses to respond. Finally - a win!! Yes 🤜🏻🤛🏻🥳
What's a carpenter's favorite cocktail?
A Screwdriver!
A boater goes into the an outdoors store and asks an employee, “Do you sell compasses here?” "Yes we do, in fact, we're running a sale on the Tates Co. brand of compasses right now!” says the employee.
he boater shakes his head and replies, “No way do I want one of those. Everyone knows that he who has a Tates is lost!”
I used to have a car with wooden body, wooden tires, wooden seats and wooden lights.
But I got rid of it, because it wooden start.
Have you ever tried to catch a fog
I did but I mist
Why was Sauron not as dark as Melkor?
Because Melkor was Morgoth
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