I told my GF that I have a half brother living near Sydney Harbour in Australia. Different dads?she asked.
I said no, shark attack.
I just heard that Neil Diamond has just sold his car on ebay...
Its a sweet car online
I was sleeping in my hotel when the phone rang at 6 AM. It was the front desk, and she told me i need to go apologize to my parents and repair our relationship before they die of old age, and I regret it forever.
It was a real wake up call.
The teacher asked a kid why he wasn't paying attention in class. "I bet you can't even name 2 types of water bodies!"
He replied, "Well, dam."
Magician.There was a Mexican magician. He said he’ll disappear on the count of three. He said uno, dos, *poof*… he disappeared without a tres.
😂
I was shocked to read a local dentist was arrested for dealing drugs. I’d been going there for years…
I didn’t know he was a dentist.
Husband: Guests are coming tonight. What's for dinner?Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.
Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say "oh no!! I dropped the chicken " . I couple of seconds later I'll drop another utensil and say "I dropped the spaghetti. Now we're only left with green beans."
(Guest arrives)
Wife: Welcome. Please make yourself comfortable.
(loud sound comes from the kitchen)
Wife: Everything alright, honey?
Husband: Damn it. I dropped the beans.
I showed my Jamaican father my report card. He said, “Do you worship the devil now, son?!” I’m like, “What do you mean??”
“Because you got a D, mon!”
My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn't need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
What is the difference between a boxer and a man with a cold?
One knows his blows, and the other blows his nose!
Bear claws are by far the tastiest pastry.
They’re made from scratch.
What do you call a short person who enjoys good food?
Gastrognome
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
She ran away from the ball
My Wife yelled at meMy wife yelled at me, "You haven't listened to a word I've said!"
I thought that was a weird way to start a conversation...
What does a fish say when it's swimming forward and hits a wall?
Dam!
After devouring several luxury hotels, Godzilla developed cavities.
The dentist told him he'd been eating too many suites.
I keep asking what we’re doing in Iran.
I can never get a Strait answer.
I’m so sick of my new phone. Autocorrect keeps changing “Surely” to “Shirley”
Must be stuck in Airplane Mode…
My son asked me if he should use an AA or AAA battery to produce a spark to start a fire.
I said AAA, because it's a little lighter.
f(x) walks into a bar…
The bartender said: “Sorry, we don't cater for functions."
Why does Sherlock Holmes always get a tax refund?
He’s a master of deduction!
An Irishman went into a department store and asked the sales assistant:“Do you sell potato clocks?”
“I’m sorry, sir,” she replied, “I’ve never heard of such a thing. We sell digital clocks, alarm clocks, carriage clocks, cuckoo clocks and even grandfather clocks, but what exactly is a potato clock?”
“I don’t know either,” replied the Irishman,
“but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and my wife said to me:
‘You’d better get a potato clock.’”
My dad is a magician who saws people in half.
I have one half-brother and two half-sisters.
I tried origami for a while, but I stopped.
It was too much paperwork.
Why did the pirate crash his ship?
His vision was patchy.
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