Rofkar Computer Sciences

At dinner, I asked my date if she had any hobbies. She said, "I like drilling holes."
I looked at her and said, "Well, that's boring."

My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”

Apparently, that doesn’t work both ways 🤷‍♂️
My wife was upset with me this morning, so I showed her my boobs…

Apparently, that doesn’t work both ways 🤷‍♂️

My neighbor has started dating a woman that works at McDonalds.
My neighbor has started dating a woman that works at McDonalds. He likes to tease her about her name being Patty. Then he found out that all she does is complain and hold grudges at work. So now he calls her all beef Patty.

The phrase "hold your horses" is essentially the same as...
"Be stable."

What’s one sentence you can use in both the kitchen and the bedroom?
I didn’t see that cumin

Three Jewish men are talking
Three Jewish men are talking when the first one says,

"You know, guys, it's so odd. My son went to Jerusalem to learn more about his faith, and I'll be damned if he didn't come back Christian." The second man says,

"Yeah, the same thing happened to my son." The third says

"Same guys. I think we should go talk to the Rabbi about it." They go, and the Rabbi just says, "I dunno, guys, I think you should just ask God." So they pray.

"God, we don't understand. Our sons went to Jerusalem to learn about their faith and came back Christian." God says,

"Huh, same thing happened to my son."

At dinner, my date got defensive when I told her my newest hobby was learning to read Braille. But that didn’t surprise me…
It’s a touchy subject.

A drunk shows off his new apartment
After closing time at the bar, a drunk proudly invited a couple of his friends back to see his new apartment.

He led them into his bedroom, where a large brass gong and a wooden mallet stood in the corner.

One of his friends pointed at it and asked,

“What's with the big brass gong?”

“That's not a gong,” the drunk replied proudly. “It's a talking clock.”

“A talking clock?” his friend asked. “Seriously?”

“Yep.”

“How does it work?”

“Watch.”

The drunk grabbed the mallet, swung it with all his might, and hit the brass gong with an ear-shattering BONG!

The three of them stood there in silence for a few seconds.

Then, from the other side of the wall, a furious voice yelled,

“You idiot! It's 3:15 in the morning!”

Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will let it go

I wanted to be a doctor…
But I didn’t have the patients.

For a long time, I have wanted to tell a good pizza joke
But it’s just too cheesy.

A man was kidnapped by the cheese devil
“Gouda hell?!”

A talking fish
A chap is fishing and hooks a salmon, he reels it in and is just going to kill it for his dinner when the salmon looks at him and says
"Hey mate, don't kill me, I'm only a baby, I haven't swum the 7 seas yet, give me a chance pal"

The man looks at the salmon "Hey, you can talk"? "Course I can, go on put me back, there's much bigger fish under the bridge". "All right", says the man, "I'll put you back, what's your name?” "Rusty" says the salmon, "And yours?" "My name's Dave"

He puts the fish back in the water & resolves to say nothing to anyone, for fear that he'll become a laughing stock.

10 years later he's fishing in the same spot & he hooks a monster. It takes him 2 hours to land it. He looks at it & pictures it on his dinner plate. Just then the salmon opens one eye & looks at him "Dave, is that you"?

"Rusty, I don't believe it, it must be 10 years since I let you go, what have you been doing"?

"Well Dave, I've had a fantastic time, I've swum the 7 seas & all the oceans. In fact, I've just come across the Atlantic, but I was really disturbed".

"Why's that Rusty"?

"Well, I was half way across & a voice told me to swim deeper, so I did, deeper & deeper & I found this huge shipwreck. I counted 4 funnels, it felt like death so I had to leave".

"Wow Rusty, that was the Titanic it sank & almost all on board were drowned."

"Ah, I knew it, in fact, I was so upset I had to sit down & write a poem about it" said Rusty.

"A poem, don't talk daft, you're just a fish, how can you write a poem, that's rubbish."

"No Dave, really, it's available in all bookshops now."

"Ok" says Dave, "so what's it called then?"

"Salmon Rusty’s Titanic Verses.”

I’m afraid for the calendar.
Its days are numbered.

Have you lost weight recently?
Because it looks like you found it again.

What do you call a pirate's coming of age party?
A quinceanYARRRa

Why did the physicist come to work dressed as a jockey?
She heard they were getting an X-ray source

How fast does a rapper travel in space?
They go at LUDACRIS SPEED

A new space mission is being made to apologize to the Martians.
It is called the Apollo G.

I once offered a panhandler an apple…
“No thanks,” he said. “I don’t have any teeth.”

Just goes to show: beggars can’t be chewers.

How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket!

Can I just say something?
Something

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
De-calfeinated.

After Jean Grey graduated from Xavier's School For Gifted Youngsters
She enrolled in the University of Phoenix