My son was just bornMy son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday... said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
I love my new hobby: archery...its great
but there are a lot of drawbacks
I hurt my back walking like an Egyptian.
Now I have to see a Cairo-practor.
My kid hit me with this one todayWhy did the coffee call the cops?
It was mugged
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they're not laughing now.
What did the pirate name his pet clam?
Me-Shell
What do you calla teapot of boiling water on top of mount Everest?
A highpotinuse
You hear they're opening a Vietnamese-Italian fusion restaurant?
They're calling it "Pho-getaboutit"
Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.
Whenever I’m lonely I always open Excel and go to the first line of the 1,514th column.
It’s my Number 1 BFF.
I went to a smoke shop, only to discover it had been replaced by a clothing store.
Clothes, but no cigar.
I just discovered that Albert Einstein was a real person..
my whole life I've believed he was a theoretical physicist.
Whenever my wife says it’s time to try for a baby, we stand up and clap.
Those moments deserve a standing ovulation.
Did you hear about the race in the garden?
The lettuce was ahead, the hose was running, and the tomato was trying to catch up!
wanna hear a rumour about butter?
nvm, i shouldnt spread it
Why did the teen berry always find themselves in so much trouble?
Because they never listened to their elderberry.
Why do pastries make terrible friends?
They’re always flaking out.
The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar...
The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”
My wife slipped on a marble staircase on holiday
I reminded her about Trip Advisor, it didn’t go down well
What do you call a weird Scotsman?
Off Kilt-er
I used to work at a blanket factory until
It folded.
Don't AxeI accidentally sprayed Axe body spray into my mouth.
Now I speak with an Axe scent.
Did you hear about the new rideshare service for senior citizens?
Oldsmobile.
I’m writing a horror movie about a zombifying virus spread through nursing home food.
It’s called Night of the Assisted Living Dead.
I've got a chameleon who can't change colour
Apparently he's got a reptile dysfunction.
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