My wife and I were arguing over the term for a medieval soldier.
It was getting late though so we called it a knight.
If Wonder Woman married Howard Hughes, divorced him and then married Henry Kissinger,
If Wonder Woman married Howard Hughes, divorced him and then married Henry Kissinger, she would be Wonder Hughes Kissinger now.
Listen up: I want to become the Invisible Man, but I will NOT use my powers to spy on people
I just want to make myself perfectly clear.
Who tells God if you break one of the Ten Commandments?
The Narc of the Covenant
Looking for office helpA local business owner was looking for office help.
The owner put a sign in the window that read: “Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer.”
A short time later, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and went inside.
After going inside, the dog looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then he walked over to the sign, looked at it, and whined. The receptionist got the idea and told the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so the manager led the dog into his office.
Inside, the dog jumped up onto a chair and started patiently staring at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says that you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, walked over to a computer and typed out a perfect letter and then signed his name. The manager was stunned but then told the dog, “I still can’t hire you. The sign says that you have to be good with computers too.” The dog then went over to the computer and typed up a program that ran perfectly on the first test.
By now, the manager was totally dumbfounded and said to the dog, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and you have some interesting skills. However, I still can’t give you the job.”
The dog jumped down and walked over to the sign and put his paw on the part where it said ‘equal opportunity employer’.
The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”
The dog calmly looked up at the manager and said, “Meow.”
What did the bra say to the hat?
"You go on ahead, and I will give these two a lift."
Did you know?
Adam and Eve were the first humans to ever skip the Apple terms and conditions.
What is the most important piece of wisdom from the Kama Sutra?
“No one comes from nothing.”
I got kicked out of the nativity play because I kept singing Nickelback
I guess I never made it as a wise man
At the grocery store, I showed my wife the fried chicken I grabbed for dinner. She said, “Great, can you get a side?”
I said, “Sure!” and moved slightly to the left.
How do you spot a blind person at a nude beach?
It's not hard
My wife has been putting glue all over my rifle collection.
She denied it but I’m sticking to my guns.
People here think my dad jokes are childish. Which is crazy!
They are obviously full groan.
What do you call a man who is about to propose?
Neal
My friend challenged me to make puns about former European currencies
I said “Frankly I can’t be bothered”
What’s The Most LGBTQ+ Product At Home Depot?
The lumber, ‘cause it sure as hell ain’t straight.
True story - My funny Uncle used to work at a Circuit City in the appliances department.A customer comes in and sees a refrigerator that they liked. Seeing the price on the top of the fridge the customer would ask if he could lower the price. The price tag was on a magnet so my Uncle would pull it off the fridge and move it about 3 feet downward.
Looking at the customer he would say, “sure thing - is that low enough?!”
Love you Uncle Bob!!
Me: Whoever wrote The Odyssey really knocked it out of the park!Them: Homer.
Me: Exactly!
Why did the onion and garlic break up?
They found out they were aromatics
Bad dad jokes for my father’s funeralMy father passed away earlier this week and I am in charge of creating a memorial card. He was a huge jokester so I would like to include a bad joke on the back of the card. Unfortunately between planning the funeral and his death, my brain can’t come up with any jokes he has said like ever. He loved a bad or inappropriate joke. It will be mostly family and a few of his friends there, everyone loved his awful humour.
The best one I have come up with so far has been “Cremator? I hardly know her!” (He is being cremated). I fear it might be slightly distasteful or go over a few people’s heads, a was only 55 so a majority of his siblings are older, as well as his mother. I think most of his siblings would get it maybe. Not sure.
Please give me your best suggestions!
Dont joke about old people's ballsacks..
Its low hanging fruit, dude
A friend of mine told me that he can throw a frisbee 100 yards and his dog can go get it and bring it back.
I told him that's pretty far fetched but ok....
What does a car's fuel tank wear when it's cold outside?
A gas cap.
I used to disagree with those who said narwhals are the unicorns of the sea.
But then I realized they had a point.
What do you get when a colonoscopy goes horribly wrong?
A semicolon.
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