One of my greatestMy wife last night, at a charity dinner: oh my gosh, babe! That’s my high school statistics teacher!
Me, immediately: what are the odds??
Dad joke from my 15yo sonBackground: My son is half Japanese. His Japanese is much better than his English.
I was making dinner, talking with my boys. My eldest (15yo) opened Disney+ on his phone and started playing Frozen on it. He then grabbed the remote from his brothers, opened Disney+ on the TV and started playing Frozen 2.
He came over to me and said, "Daddy, I wanted to watch a movie on my phone, but it was frozen. So, I tried to watch it on the TV, but it was frozen, too."
I've never been prouder in my life.
If a tomb is pronounced "toom" and a womb is pronounced "woom,"
why isn't a bomb pronounced "boom?"
What’s the difference between Black Eyes Peas and Chickpeas?
Black Eyes Peas can sing us a song while Chickpeas can only HUMMUS one.
What is a Leper's favorite musical?
Footloose.
Dad jokes are like German sausages
They’re the WURST!
Face the facts people, aliens never visit Earth.
They've read the Yelp review. Only 1 star.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK
, but I feel like I dyed inside.
What do you call a Middle Aged dinosaur with joint problems?
A Mykneesaresaur.
Bubba is reading the newspaper when he turns to Skeeter and says, “Have you seen this? Three cliff walkers have fallen to their deaths!!!”
“Unbelievable!” replies Skeeter, “I can’t believe they all had the same name!”
What’s the difference between an intense interrogation and a nature walk?
One is badgering a witness, the other is witnessing a badger.
Went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole…
…he said they all look like that and I should have left him in the garden.
Tomorrow I'll do a talk for people who can't achieve orgasm.
Those who can't come, can come.
Did you hear about the bakery they opened down at the zoo?
It’s called “Bread in Captivity”
What do you call a pile of cats?
A meowtain
Last night my wife said we need to make our wills.
I said, “Ugh, I’d rather die.”
What’s made out of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe!!
Watt is love?
Baby don't hertz me.
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me.
Before I decipher Sumerian tablets, I always put on the same pants and jersey...
It's my cuneiform uniform.
What do you get when a stoner, a Jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar?
Blunt force trauma.
In which city do India people leave their mother?
Mumbai
Saxophone
What do you call a person who pretends they can play the saxophone? A saxophoney
How does my dog show that she likes classical music?
By Wagner tail.
I removed the middle of my dictionary.
Now, it's just a diary.
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