My mom's two sisters told me that if, for any reason, I am incapacitated, one will sit by my side day and night. The other will go out and destroy whoever put me in that state.
They are my vigil aunties.
Why do actors say “break a leg” instead of “good luck”?
Well, if you break a leg before auditioning for a role, you get casted!
Accidentally swallowed 2 pieces of string and they came out tied together!
I shit you knot.
Asked my wife if she knew that Bruce Lee had a brother who didn’t tolerate joking around. She rolled her eyes and said, “Seriously?”
I’m like, “Oh… you’ve heard of him!”
My wife asked me: “What starts with F and ends in K.”
I said: “No it doesn’t.”
I thought this terrible one up this morning. Sorry in advanceWhy do egg whites never try to be funny?
Because nobody will get their yolks!
I will see myself out
My wife said she would divorce me if I didn’t get over my obsession with flamingos
So I had to put my foot down. . .
Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?they checked the reviews.....
one star ☀️
Why are mountains so funny?
They’re hill areas.
Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?
aisle b, back
I think I was born upside downMy feet smell and my nose runs.
You might think this is funny but it’s snot.
Why are redheads not allowed in South Korea?
Everyone knows that gingers have no Seoul.
What's the best thing to put in a pumpkin pie?
Your teeth
The Death Star runs on Mac OS. Darth Vader noticed the entire system was freezing up.
He had to Force quit.
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1, or 2? 1... Or 2?
You should always knock on the fridge before opening it
just in case there's a salad dressing.
Why does a hateful zombie only eat your brain?
Because he can't stand your guts.
What fruit can never marry?
Cantaloupe
What search engine does Mario use?
Yahoo.
Pirate Ship Captain: “I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?”
Crew: “I I Captain.”
What do you call a snail with a spear
a slow poke
My wife said she's leaving me because of my Star Wars obsession
So I said: may divorce be with you.
I was at a party when this guy Richard was singling me out saying I couldn't use the long form of his name.
I don't know why he was a Dick to only me.
What position does a ghost play in soccer?
Ghoulie
My eye doctor just informed me that I'm colorblind!!!
That news really came out of the purple for me.
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