Actual line from my 10-year old: At dinner I mentioned that for some reason the corn didn’t actually taste much like corn.
After a slight pause, my son deadpanned: “That’s corncerning.” 10/10 groaner
I have asked many people what LGBQTIA+ stands for....
So far no-one has given me a straight answer.
My house is haunted by a chicken
It is a poultry-geist. A really fowl spirit. I called an eggcorcist. He tried to get it to the other side.
How bring moose in CanadaTwo Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.
The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after take off.
Climbing out of the wreck, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Please don't accept friend requests from Lizzie Borden on Facebook.
She is a known hacker.
Alphabet is raising $80 billion by selling stock to invest in AI
I bet the other 24 letters are pissed!
What did the baby chicken say when its mother laid an orange?
“Look at the orange mommalaid.”
What would Michael Jackson be called if he was in the X-men?
Wolver-hehene.
Jack Nicholson became furious at a chinese restaurant. He stormed into the kitchen and threw two pieces of cutlery at a pile of uniforms.
One flew over the cook Hu's vest.
I just finished reading a book about the world’s greatest basement.
It was best cellar.
I’d like to thank Merriam Webster for teaching me what “plethora” means.
It means a lot.
What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
Reality
Having a bad day 😢. Tried my best to cook some Middle Eastern/Israeli food and failed miserably…
I just really falafel about it
What kind of doctor is always on call?
An Oncologist. Obviously.
A friend of mine changed his name to Björn today
He wasn't Björn yesterday
How does a polygamist hippie count his wives?1 Mrs. Hippie. 2 Mrs. Hippie. 3. Mrs Hippie…
Edit: Typo
I just found out dog catchers. …..
Are paid by the pound
What do you call a really cool crocodilian who’s paid to argue with people?
A litigator.
Where does the pirate buy his hook at?
At the second hand shop!
Eating out.
My wife wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
So I took her to Subway.
And that's how the fight started.
What do you do when attacked by a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle?
Atire
What happens if someone slaps you at a high frequency?
It Hertz.
I must be a poet
Because my feet’s Longfellows
What was wrong with the grocery store that didn’t sell fancy mushrooms?
It had no morels.
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