Booked a hotel room the other day. Walked into my room...yams everywhere.Yams on the bed, yams on the table, yams in the bathroom.
Went to reception to complain.
Hotel guy said: "Those aren't yams, they're suite potatoes"
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones.
But the people of Abu Dhabi do!
My librarian wouldn't tell me where the "self-help" section is...
... she told me that would defeat the whole purpose.
After my dad died, I visited his favorite park to scatter his remains. Just as I started, a park ranger came running towards me screaming, “STOP!!! You can’t do that here.” I asked why not and she said…
“You at least have to cremate him first.”
My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with CB Radios.
I think it's over, over.
This morning I was removed from the local community park for organizing the squirrels by height
Turns out people were not happy that I was critter sizing.
get better soon
Wife gave me a card "Get Better Soon". I'm not sick, but she's looking for improvement.
Took my kid to the doctorThe nurse was in the room with us getting vitals and whatnot. We started talking about how it can be difficult when children are unruly.
chadministrator: You know, in Europe they call unruly kids "unmetered".
nurse: Oh, really?
chadministrator: Yeah, because they use the metric system.
The nurse laughed and thought it was amazing. Better still, my wife did that laugh all wives do where she laughs but instantly hates herself for laughing because it encourages me to do more dad jokes. It was glorious.
I like to tell dad jokes.
But he never thinks they’re funny.
Ever looked at a car and wondered how it smells?
With it's trunk of course.
Why are babies so good at basketball?
Because they like to dribble.
I’ve started a business building boats in my attic.
Sails are going through the roof.
The police showed up when my son refused to take a nap…
They charged him with resisting a rest.
Which Greek god was also a children's book author?
Dr. Zeuss
I flunked my first two horn performance exams.
I probably need a tooter.
Your therapist is a washbasin and you're not opening up to it
Let that sink in
According to my son's doctor, he's too obsessed with 3D geometry.
I'm concerned that he might have spatial needs.
Why did pixar hire Homer?
To write the script of "Troy story'
What did Sherlock Holmes say when Watson Questioned his Presence at the Pub?
It’s Alimentary, my dear Watson.
Tell you what I know about dwarves.
Very little.
I love eye jokes…
the cornea the better.
A young woman turns to the priest sitting next to her: "Father, may I ask you a favor?
"Of course, my daughter, what can I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electric hair dryer for my mother's birthday, and I'm afraid customs will confiscate it. Could you carry it for me through the green lane, under your robes?"
"I am willing, but I must warn you... I do not lie."
"With your honest and honorable face, Father, no one will even ask you."
At the airport, the customs officer asks: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The customs officer thinks this is a strange answer: "And what do you have to declare from the waist down, Father?"
"I have a wonderful instrument designed for a woman's use, but it has, until this day... never been used."
The customs officer bursts out laughing: "Move along, Father!! Next in line!"
The refs threw a flag on our bulldog mascot after he got loose and ran onto the field, barking like crazy at the other team’s quarterback.
Fifteen yards for ruffing the passer.
If anyone here is thinking about getting married, consider the following before you do - On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
- On the other hand, you don’t.
submitted by
/u/brother_p [link] [comments] Whenever you’re lost or feel unsafe in the woods, you should always rely on big rocks to help you and not little rocks. You know why?
Because big rocks are bolder.
top
