Why isn't holy water used in vaccines?
You can't take the Lord's name in vein.
I got fired from the French fry factory for stealing inventory.
They made a big deal out of it, but really it was small potatoes.
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts
(unsure if it is a repost but found it quite funny)
I'm looking to sell my Delorean.Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
Why don't cows talk to each other?
Cause there's always beef between them.
What annoyed George Washington most about having fake teeth?
Wooden chew like to know?
My kid was really upset after spelling "apocalypse" wrong in the spelling bee
I said "relax, it's not the end of the world."
My kid said, “Dad, I think I want to be a translator.”
I put my hand on their shoulder and said, “Look, I’ll always support you whether you choose to be a trans now or a trans later.”
A man proposed to his girlfriend on a roller coaster but she said "No".
Everything was going too fast and there were too many ups and downs for her.
I crossed a four leaf clover with poison ivy and got a rash of good luck.
I was just itching to tell someone.
Why would a food processing company use fish oil to lubricate their machines?
Because it’s effishent.
I've been trying to write a joke about spices.
I just can't get the thyming right.
I thought Dollywood was fake.
That it was Pigeon Forgery.
Which type of music does Sysiphus dislike the most?
Rock and Roll.
I make dad jokes but I have no kids.
I'm a faux pa.
I dated a tennis player.
But it turned out, that love means nothing to them.
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised. Australians usually boo meringue.
Bad news from corporate:
We’ve got to close the Gap.
My wife doesn’t mind doing most of the housework but she doesn’t do floors.
She thinks that’s beneath her.
How to skeletons contact their friends?
On the telebone
When the wife told me La Paz was a capital city...
... I said "I don’t Bolivia!".
I work in a bar, and I always give a free golf ball with every beer.
They call me the partender.
What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time!!!
My wife said she tried flirting, bribing, and even flashing the cop to get out of a speeding ticket.
I said, “Well, you tried your breast.”
Three moles are in a tunnel.The first says, "I smell sugar."
The second says, "I smell honey."
The third says, "I smell molasses."
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