A man walks into a bar holding a tiny piano with a tiny man playing itThe bartender says, “Where did you find that?”
“There’s a magic lamp just outside with a genie that grants wishes,” the man replies.
The bartender runs outside, grabs the lamp, rubs it, and says, “I wish for a million bucks!”
All of a sudden, ducks begin falling from the sky.
Confused, the bartender shouts, “I said bucks, not ducks!”
The man shrugs. “Did you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?”
An ion walks into a bar…looking very glum.
“What’s up?” asks the barkeep.
“I think I lost an electron,” replies the ion, gloomily.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes,” the ion says, “I’m positive.”
This is my cake day joke. Please clap!
Yo mama is so fat, when she went to the optometrist, she was diagnosed with:
Assbigmatism
My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but separated at birth
I have an uncle, once removed.
What do you call someone who won't stick to a diet?
A desserter
What does a hot dog use for protection?
Condoments.
What household product is best to keep men away?
Detergent
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall..
But it was his dumb asphalt…
My wife forced me to go to the chiropractor, after years of me telling her he couldn't help my hunched back
I stand corrected.
Her husband the handymanAs related to me by my neighbor, Judy. I’ve excised all the profanity.
Judy asked her husband Bill to tidy up the bathroom before she headed out for her Saturday afternoon shopping trip.
One of his tasks was to lacquer the toilet seat.
He finished this and the other work and went out to watch football at a sports bar
When he came back home he found Judy, furious, stuck to the toilet seat.
His only option was to remove the toilet seat from the toilet, still stuck Judy’s behind, cover her with a dressing gown and bring her to the emergency room.
The doctor came in to the cubicle where he was with Judy.
"Hey doctor, what do you think of this?" Bill said, removing the dressing gown.
"That's very nice," said the doctor "But did you have to frame it?"
Calendar.Someone ripped the 5th month out of my new calendar. I'm dismayed.
My friend and I argued about which vowel is the best.I think I won.
But it could have been U.
I don't know why people rate Excel very badly
Personally, I give it October the tenth.
Why aren't pregnancy jokes popular?
Because the delivery takes too long.
What month do trees dread the most?
Septimbeeeeeeeer!
I have a bad habit of running red lights.
I really need to stop.
My adult daughter was questioned by her baby sister about her many dad jokes. "You're a girl," sissy said, "You're never gonna be a dad!" My daughter hung her head, "yeah, you're right..."
I guess I'm just a faux pa.
Not a blonde joke
A scatter-brained woman is a passenger on a small plane when the pilot suddenly faints...she frantically calls out a May Day over the radio. "Someone please help...my pilot has passed out and I don't know how to fly this plane!" A voice from the radio responds, "This is Air Traffic Control. I hear you loud and clear. Don't worry, I'll talk you through this and get you back on the ground. Everything will be fine! Can you tell me your height and position?" She replies..."I'm 5'4" and in the front seat."
Saw a baguette at the zoo
It was bread in captivity
What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?Iron Man stops the bad guys.
Aluminum Man just foils their plans.
In honour of the renamed Lake America, I propose that Jack-o-lanterns be renamed
Trumpkins.
I've always wanted to learn to juggle.
I just have never had the balls to try it.
Where do you take a sick pony?
The horsepital.
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
Sofishticated.
Which US state is the best to visit to learn about consent?
Alaska
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