My girlfriend said I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.
I'm proud of my 13 yo daughter. I told her to load and run the dishwasher.She said the dishwasher can't run... it's got no legs!
I'm glad to see my teaching has not been wasted.
One of my friends is a flat earther.
Though he prefers i use the term bulldozer operator.
My neighbour told me he was scared to plant an apple tree…
I told him to grow a pear.
I went to a store where they use explosives to create jewelry.
As I entered there was a loud "bang". It made my earring.
Yachts.
A wealthy Frenchman was showing off his yachts.
"This is un, this is deux, this is trois, this is quatre, this is six..." "What happened to five?" his wife asked.
"Cinq" he answered
Best part of flying on an airplane seated next to a green bean?
The legume.
I told my wife I had a joke about construction but I'm still working on itSo last night at dinner my kid asked me why I always have a joke ready for every situation. I told him it was just part of my foundation. He groaned. My wife put her head in her hands. I considered it a success.
But honestly it got me thinking about all the construction puns out there just waiting to be built upon. Like, I tried to come up with a joke about concrete but it kept hardening back to the same punchline. I thought about roofing jokes but they all go over people's heads. Even my jokes about elevators have their ups and downs.
My personal favorite to tell at family gatherings: I asked my brotherinlaw what his favorite part of being a contractor was. He said the money. I said mine was all the groundbreaking work.
He has not invited me to a cookout since 2019 and I respect that boundary while also refusing to change my behavior in any way whatsoever.
If you have a good construction pun I would love to hear it. I am always looking to add more material. My family is begging me not to but their opinion was not solicited and will not be considered.
Drop your best below.
I was driving past a cemetery this morning and saw a man walking around. I shouted, “Morning!”
He replied, “No, just walking the dog.”
Why do we dress baby boys in blue, and baby girls in pink?
Because they can’t dress themselves.
Today I told my wife about the scientist...
..who imagined a machine which could lessen sudden high-velocity incidents of wind. He never pursued it, though, because he found the whole idea disgusting.
Today I learned: 'Politics' is a word derived from greekpoli meaning 'many'
tics meaning 'blood sucking parasites'
My daughter used to be into dinosaurs in an huge wayShe knew about hundreds of species and could tell you all about them when she was only in Kindergarten. She learned that birds are not only related to dinosaurs, but are so closely related that some argue they are the surviving dinosaurs of today's ecosystem. We liked this idea so much, we all started calling birds dinosaurs. We'd look outside and say, "Hey! There's a dinosaur in the backyard!"
One day, I heard my daughter call out...
"Hey! There's a dinosaur on the fence!"
...to which I replied...
"Then tell him to make up his mind!"
I’m done with Jolly Green Giant products
Unfortunately I’m never going to buy anymore vegetable products advertised by the Jolly Green Giant. I just realized he stands over the corn and peas!
I recently took a pole…
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.
Son “Hey dad can I have 20 bucks?”The Dad responds
“ 10 bucks! What do you need 5 bucks for?”
I’m about 2 years away from using this in real life.
Why do elephants hate running on the beach?
They can’t keep their trunks up.
What does Speedy Gonzales use to strengthen concrete?
Rebar! Rebar!
I read a book about an alcoholic bird
Tequila mockingbird
What do you call a nut that goes to college?
An academia nut!
Why's the book so thick?
Cause its a long story
What do you call a flying nun?
A bird? A plane?
Nope, nun of the above.
I told my wife our neighbor died. She said, “Who? Ray?”
I said, “It’s way too early to celebrate like that.”
A man saw another man removing the sides from his square so he copied him
Because he De-sided, too.
Did you hear about the restaurant that only hires little people?
They always have to close early because they're short staffed.
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