An ion walks into a bar…looking very glum.
“What’s up?” asks the barkeep.
“I think I lost an electron,” replies the ion, gloomily.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes,” the ion says, “I’m positive.”
This is my cake day joke. Please clap!
I don't know why people rate Excel very badly
Personally, I give it October the tenth.
My wife forced me to go to the chiropractor, after years of me telling her he couldn't help my hunched back
I stand corrected.
I have a bad habit of running red lights.
I really need to stop.
My friend and I argued about which vowel is the best.I think I won.
But it could have been U.
My adult daughter was questioned by her baby sister about her many dad jokes. "You're a girl," sissy said, "You're never gonna be a dad!" My daughter hung her head, "yeah, you're right..."
I guess I'm just a faux pa.
Not a blonde joke
A scatter-brained woman is a passenger on a small plane when the pilot suddenly faints...she frantically calls out a May Day over the radio. "Someone please help...my pilot has passed out and I don't know how to fly this plane!" A voice from the radio responds, "This is Air Traffic Control. I hear you loud and clear. Don't worry, I'll talk you through this and get you back on the ground. Everything will be fine! Can you tell me your height and position?" She replies..."I'm 5'4" and in the front seat."
Calendar.Someone ripped the 5th month out of my new calendar. I'm dismayed.
In honour of the renamed Lake America, I propose that Jack-o-lanterns be renamed
Trumpkins.
Yo mama is so fat, when she went to the optometrist, she was diagnosed with:
Assbigmatism
Which US state is the best to visit to learn about consent?
Alaska
Book I read.
I read a book about a week back. It was written by a chiropractor.
What household product is best to keep men away?
Detergent
The EMT's were called to the airport to assist a woman who passeed out on the luggage carousel.
When they arrived they found her slowly coming around.
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
Sofishticated.
The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high."A man who lays with another man should be stoned."
• Leviticus 20:13
I've always wanted to learn to juggle.
I just have never had the balls to try it.
What’s the most popular Canadian Flat Earther newspaper?
The Disk and Mail
When I joined a local theater, the director pointed around the room, assigning jobs. “You, props. You, sound. You, lighting.” Then he asked, “Can anyone here write a good ending?” I raised my hand. He pointed at me and said, “Great. Act III.”
I nodded, then collapsed on the floor and threw a tantrum.
An e-book is nowhere as good as a paper book
Doesn't even hold a kindle.
My friend asked me if I can tie a piece of rope
I said I can knot
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
I got kicked out of the kitchen this morning.Partner making our kid's lunch. They give me a post-it and ask:"Do you want to write a little message?" I say "Sure!" and I write "A little message." on the post-it.
I got an eye-roll for the ages, and was promptly pointed the door, whilst I cried laughing. It was a good morning.
What do you call two men hanging above a window?
Kurt and Rod
My buddy Steven went to the capital of Texas during a blizzard. He and his friends smoked a bunch and got locked out of their AirBNB. I knew something was wrong when he sent me a four word text:
Stoned. Cold. Steve. Austin.
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