Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.
My son came home from winter break and I told him it felt like an entury since I’d seen him. He goes, "What the heck does entury mean?"
I said, "Long time, no C."
Mary gave birth to Jesus. And Jesus was a Lamb of God..
So does that mean Mary had a little lamb...
They say that sniffing rosemary will improve your memory. I tried it once.
Then she hit me. I don’t remember much after that.
3025 years from now life on Earth will be either really good or really bad...
It'll be 5050
My teenage daughter was being snarky with me the other day, so I told her "don't get testy with me young lady!"
"No I'm not!" she exclaimed, "I'm a girl! I'm getting ovary with you!"
Why do I always get those little tiny wax-wrapped cheese snacks in my Christmas stocking?
Because Christmas is all about the baby cheeses.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
I tried to organize an orgy in rural Pennsylvania.
It was a swing and a-mish.
I was trying to think of a bald joke
But I got nothing off the top of my head
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
I’ve lost control. I don’t see an end. There is no escape. I don’t even have a home anymore.
Guess it’s time for a new keyboard.
I have a phobia of overengineered buildings
I have a complex complex complex
Did you hear that the midget psychic escaped?
There is a small medium at large.
A conversation on an airplaneA devout Catholic man boarded a plane and was really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden the pope boarded and was ushered to the seat next to him.
As the man thought about how best to conduct himself and what to say the pope took out a golf pencil and started doing a crossword puzzle.
Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles? the man thought. I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation!
Sure enough, after about 10 minutes the pope leaned over and asked, “Do you know a four-letter word for a woman that ends in U-N-T?"
Oh no. The man was speechless. He sat there, thinking “The pope won't speak to me if I say what first came to mind.” Then the lightbulb came on “ Oh!" he said. "AUNT. The word you're looking for is 'aunt', Your Holiness."
The pope nodded. "Ah, of course. Do you have an eraser?"
Today I learned that Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
What do you call a network of shy people
A nervous system
My inflatable house got a puncture last night.
Now I'm living in a flat.
How does a farmer keep track of his cattle?
By using a cowculator.
Remember to poop before midnight on dec 31
You dont want to be carrying the same $h!t into 2026….
It took a long time to figure out what that smell was coming from my car.
It was exhausting.
Who was the smartest wiseman?
Frank. He was the only one with any sense.
RIP to the pigeonsDid you hear about the guy who caused the death of a pair of pigeons by yelling at them really loudly?
Yeah, I was surprised too, but I guess it’s possible to kill two birds with one’s tone
How does a german baker greet you?
glutentag!
Chiropractors are so cool
Because they’re bad to the bone
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