Did you know that the Princess Bride never had kids?
Inconceivable
My son was going on his first overnight hunting trip...
He wanted to get some new gear for the trip so we headed to Scheels (massive sporting goods store) to pick some things up. We got just about everything on the list and he tells me, "I think I got everything, but couldn't find the camo pants." So I walk him over and point to the aisle. He just stares at it and says, "Where?" I point again. He repeats himself. I start to get frustrated and ask, "How can you NOT see them? They're right th—" And then I realized I had raised my son right.
What do you call a cult that’s hard to get into?
Difficult
A friend and dad to be has told me this joke several times over the years. Well 45 minutes ago it actually happened to me in real life!A knock on the door. My wife's answers.
"There's a salesman here with a bald head!" She shouted.
"Tell him I already have one!" I replied.
I called him and we did nothing but laugh for what seemed like 20 full minutes.
Steve Miller (the rock and roll Steve Miller) dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates...St. Peter: Tell me about yourself.
SM: I'm a picker.
St. Peter: Nice.
SM: I'm a grinner.
St. Peter: That's nice too.
SM: I'm a lover.
St. Peter: Great. Anything else?
SM: Uhm, no.
My friend tattooed his favourite Star Wars character on his cheek.
You should have seen the Luke on his face.
What is a zombie bodybuilders favourite thing?
GAAAAIIIIINS!
What do you call a drunk bee?Buzzed.
Rate my joke 0/10?
I do a lot of illegal things,
But graffiti is where I draw the line.
Why was the musical movie rated R?
Because it was full of SAX and VIOLINS.
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
Did you hear about the man who was killed by a chocolate bar?
There was a Bounty on his head
Today is the perfect day
Some would even say it's 10/10
"What would you call Madonna before she was born?""I don't know."
"Pre-Madonna!"
Dang girl, are you today's date?
Because you are 10/10!
If you’ve never gotten a hot stone massage, you should
It rocks
What was Peppa Pig’s favorite band in the 90s?
Puddle of Mudd
My son got meWe were outside tucking the pets in. It was a beautiful fall evening in Denver. I called him over to admire the brilliant stars in the sky. Low in the north east, one was scintillating. "Look," I said, "see the bright one? That's Vega!".
He pointed to a brilliant light just taking off from Denver International, "Look," he said, "See that bright one? That's Boeing!"
I .. I'm so proud!
I wasn’t just given the money to pay for my dog’s cremation ya know
I had to urn it
A huge number of women are trying to make bangs come back into fashion
It's a fringe movement.
The complaint department is run by Helen Waite.
If anyone wants to complain, you can go to Helen Waite.
Son: Why is the dog trying to eat that stick?
Me: Wooden chew like to know
A vampire held the door for me the other day.
It looks like chivalry really is dead.
You know know why eagles must never ever get sick?
Cause it's ill-eagle.
Why was Juan in charge of the milking?
You can't have Juan without the Udder
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