My buddy's daughter dadjoked him. They were having breakfast,
...his daughter said: "dad you snore a lot, you know there's an app for that right?" him: "oh really? what's it called?" her: "app-nea".
Hit a bird with my car left a small dent
Body shop guy say "looks like mynah damage"
My dad was always a "If you got up there on your own, you can get down on your own" sort of man. Fantastic father.
Terrible air traffic controller.
My doctor said I was going deaf,
That was very difficult for me to hear.
I’ve decided to marry a pencil.
I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Two inert gases walk into a bar...
Nobody reacts
Why don't monsters eat ghosts?
They taste like sheet
I did really well in that class about marijuana and communism.
I got high Marx.
Where do Volkswagens go to retire?
The old volks home
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One of them is pretty heavy, the other is a little lighter
50 cent was hungry
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Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
He wasn't peeling well
Did you hear the Energizer bunny got arrested?
It's true. He was charged with battery.
Don't try to make a belt out of herbs.
It's a waist of thyme.
My nickname at school was Scarface.
I was really good at knitting.
I was in a wine shop this evening, I bought a nice Merlot. The cashier asked me if I wanted it in a bagI said no thanks, just leave it in the bottle
…silence
I accidentally handed my girlfriend a glue stick...
I accidentally handed my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn't talking to me
What do fish use to shave?
Gill-ette
I had to stop giving ducks belly rubs.
It just made me feel down.
I stayed at hotel run by birds. It wasn’t very nice…
…kinda seedy.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a terrible accident?
It's ok now...he's all right
What do tofu and dildos have in common?
They're both meat substitutes
A son got up in the morning, went to his mother and said, “I don’t want to go to school today. The kids all tease me and the teachers hate me!”His mother looked at him sternly and said, “Michael, you’re going. You’re
the principal.”
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