I found my physics professor face down on his desk crying before class. I put my hand on his shoulder and asked, “Hey, what’s the matter?”
He looked up at me and said, “Anything that has mass and takes up space.”
What’s the difference between a joke and a dick?
I can’t take a joke
Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy them too.
Luke Skywalker never dreamed he’d get to meet the Emperor.
So when it finally happened, he was shocked.
I never should’ve taken that job as a dragon tamer.
I got fired almost immediately.
Why don’t Oranges need glasses?
Because they have plenty of Vitamin See.
A man went to hospital because both his ears were burntThe doctor asked him what happened.
The man said "Well, I was ironing my shirt and the phone rang...I wasn't paying attention and accidentally put the iron to my ear...ouch!"
The doctor said "That explains why one ear's burnt...what about the other one?"
The man said "Well...then I had to call the ambulance"
My friend asked why my black bird was so small.
I said, "Because it's my crow."
Wann know my grandpas last words before he kicked the bucket?
“Watch how far I can kick this thing”
Did you hear about the guy who got a viagra stuck in his throat?
Yeahs, he is suffering from a stiff neck now
I don’t get the big deal about this bird flu
Isn’t that what birds are meant to do?
At dinner, I asked my date if she had any hobbies. She said, "I like drilling holes."
I looked at her and said, "Well, that's boring."
Me and my mom were in the carWe were getting ready to leave to run errands. A woman was rolling a vacuum cleaner across the parking lot to her apartment. I told my mom, "She'd better be careful doing that."
My mom asked why.
I said she might get attacked by a bear.
Mom gave me a funny look.
I said, "I heard nature abhors a vacuum!"
She groaned but it was worth it!
I asked my husband to make the bed and he just stared at me.
“… what?”
Him: “Make the bed do what?”
My buddy David had his ID stolen.
We just call him Dav now.
How do cats welcome a new sofa?With a round of a-claws
My 8 year old and I workshopped the punchline today
A man walks into a bar with a termite on his shoulderThe bartender warns the man about it being there.
The man says "oh this is my pet termite, his name is Clint."
"Why Clint?" asks the bartender.
"Because he eats wood."
A talking fishA chap is fishing and hooks a salmon, he reels it in and is just going to kill it for his dinner when the salmon looks at him and says
"Hey mate, don't kill me, I'm only a baby, I haven't swum the 7 seas yet, give me a chance pal"
The man looks at the salmon "Hey, you can talk"? "Course I can, go on put me back, there's much bigger fish under the bridge". "All right", says the man, "I'll put you back, what's your name?” "Rusty" says the salmon, "And yours?" "My name's Dave"
He puts the fish back in the water & resolves to say nothing to anyone, for fear that he'll become a laughing stock.
10 years later he's fishing in the same spot & he hooks a monster. It takes him 2 hours to land it. He looks at it & pictures it on his dinner plate. Just then the salmon opens one eye & looks at him "Dave, is that you"?
"Rusty, I don't believe it, it must be 10 years since I let you go, what have you been doing"?
"Well Dave, I've had a fantastic time, I've swum the 7 seas & all the oceans. In fact, I've just come across the Atlantic, but I was really disturbed".
"Why's that Rusty"?
"Well, I was half way across & a voice told me to swim deeper, so I did, deeper & deeper & I found this huge shipwreck. I counted 4 funnels, it felt like death so I had to leave".
"Wow Rusty, that was the Titanic it sank & almost all on board were drowned."
"Ah, I knew it, in fact, I was so upset I had to sit down & write a poem about it" said Rusty.
"A poem, don't talk daft, you're just a fish, how can you write a poem, that's rubbish."
"No Dave, really, it's available in all bookshops now."
"Ok" says Dave, "so what's it called then?"
"Salmon Rusty’s Titanic Verses.”
My wife asked if I was ever going to stop making jokes about Judas Priest. I told her if you think i’m gonna stop…
You got another thing coming!
The farmer told the new farm hand to go to the field and get the dozen cattle that were in the field and put them in the pen.
A little while later the farm hand reported back that all 15 cattle were in the pen. Farmer asked what 15 cattle? The hand replied you told me to round up the cattle.
Scientists discovered that crows are no longer talking....
They're still waiting to hear the caws!
I asked the librarian for books on paranoia
And she whispered “they are right behind you”
What did the Air Conditioner say when it hit the dance floor ?
We condense if you want to
We can leave your friends behind
I tried to get my dog to sing in a high pitched sound but failed.
I guess he is a subwoofer
What kind of RV has a hole through the middle?
A Winnebagel.
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