Best advice about condoms is to ensure they’re never put on inside out.
Otherwise, you’ll rubber the wrong way.
I said to my doctor that whenever I walk from one country into another country I have to get drunk
Doctor said,your borderline alcoholic.
My son for a win todayWe were sitting at a restaurant waiting for food. My daughter asks “why don’t we pray before food in the restaurant?”
Without skipping a beat my son goes “it’s because the chef here knows how to cook” and smirks at my wife. Both is us broke out laughing.
Coldplay hasn't released a new song in years.
Then they make two new singles in one night!
Recently a guy tried to rob two nuns with a knife. They ended up beating him into unconsciousness.
The lesson here is never take a knife to a nun fight.
The mechanic asked when was the last time I rotated my tires.
I said, “On the way here.”
My wife said that she's divorcing me because she thinks that I'm too un-American.
Saw it coming a kilometer away !
Two nuns were attacking each other, exchanging blows. As I approached they approached ignored me and continued the bout. I left and went to get my wife to help. The two nuns stopped and immediately started to attack me.
Never take a wife to a nun fight.
What type of pants do ghost hunters wear?
Just a paranormal pants.
What do you call the CEO of Taco Bell?
The Supreme Leader.
My sister is going to transition to a man when she gets back from her vacation.
She's abroad, at the moment.
What do biologists wear to work on Casual Friday?
Genes
Who is Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother ?
Parsley
You don't need a parachute to go sky-diving.
You need one to go sky-diving twice.
Why did the flatulent pharaoh decide to marry another flatulent pharaoh?
Because they had a lot of toots in common.
I did my first nude painting yesterday.
The neighbors 🏘️ weren't happy but the front door looks great! 🚪
The recent slip knot championship
Has ended in a tie
Today, I learned you can get rid of most cancers with just boiling water
Tomorrow I plan to test it on capricorns and leos
What kind of pizza is the most fun to be around?
Quattro formaggi. Four cheese a jolly good fellow.
What do you call a sheep who can sing and dance?
Lady Ba Ba
What do you call a belt made of watches?"
"A waist of time."
Dad: What is the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue?Me: I don't know.
Dad: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
Me: What about the pot of glue?
Dad: I knew you'd get stuck on that.
I asked my fridge if it was running...
It said no, it’s chilling.
The advertiser didn't really like mag wheels on their bike...
...they are more of a spokesperson.
Where’s the worst place to play hide and seek in a hospital?
ICU
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