I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet?
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.
How did Jesus do on his final exam?
He nailed it
There’s a company that only tows Nissans
They’re called Head and Shoulders - Nissan Tows
My suspicious wife asked how our lawn stays vibrantly green all year while the neighbors’ turn brown every winter. I said, “Well, I could try to convince you that I actually understand soil composition, or how I mastered the watering schedule all while studying mower blade sharpening techniques…”
“…but I dye grass.”
Why did Winnie the Pooh burn himself taking pizza out of the oven?
Because he used his bear hands.
Did you hear about the farmers that want a government bailout?They want money for nothing and their chickens for free.
Guess those farmers are in dire straits.
My daughter said she was starting to like my beard.
I knew she was lying when she told me it was growing on her.
What does scooby doo say after praying?
Ramen
I’ve just finished reading a book called “how to clear leaves from your lawn”
By Ray King
Multiple reports claiming Sting has been kidnapped
The Police still have no lead.
When my son's goldfish died, I offered to get him another one just like it.
He said, "Why would I want two dead goldfish?"
My wife and I still have chemistry.
Unfortunately, at our age, most of it involves antacids and prescription medications.
I once dated a crossed eyed girl but had to end it,
she was seeing someone else on the side.
Once upon a time, there lived a king who was only 12 inches tall...
He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.
What is a magnet’s favorite music genre?
Heavy metal.
Someone broke into my new limbo store and stole everything
My business is going under.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and lobster with a boob job?
One is a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean
I hear Walter Cronkite was buried at sea.
He was a great anchor.
Why do pandas get confused after they eat?
Because they just got bamboozled!
I once thought to have a Japanese friend.
But it was just an imagine Asian.
How much money would you need to buy Rio de Janeiro?
A Brazilian dollars.
My wife was a little peaved at me. She complained that she was wore out because she took care of the kids all day. She said when I got home from work instead of helping I just sat on my butt watching TV stinking up the front room with my farts.
I told her what what you do might be tiring, but what I do is exhausting.
My daughter wanted to go out without her glasses
I said no daughter of mine is going out looking like that!
What plants like Halloween the most?
Bam-BOO!
I walked into the kitchen and nobody said hi
But the micro waved.
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