What do you call a glory hole at the police station?
The anonymous tip
After Tim Cook stepped down as CEO of Apple. I'd hoped Trump would also step down.
Of course, I'm comparing apples to oranges.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have chlamydia, gonorrhoea and onomatopoeia.” Patient: “onomatopoeia? What’s that?
Doctor: “I’m afraid it’s exactly what it sounds like.”
I was recently invited to a 3 way
There were a couple of no shows but I still had a great time
My dad used to put me in a tyre and roll me down a hill
Those were the Goodyears
I entered a local pun contest.
To increase my chances of winning, I entered ten different puns. Not a single one won though. No pun in ten did.
I told my wife I was building a model of Mount Everest. She asked, “Is it to scale?”
I said, “No, it’s just to look at.”
A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase.He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs. So he calls the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what he’s found... She says, “Oh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”
The guy replies, “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”
I sued British airlines for losing my luggage
The courts dismissed me because I had no case
I got fired from my job as an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
A man walked into a pharmacy and wandered up and down the aisles looking at many things. After a while a salesclerk noticed and asked if he needed any help. He told her he was looking for a box of tampons for his wife and she directed him to the correct aisle.A few minutes later he brought a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string and placed them on the counter.
Seeing this, the clerk said, “Sir, I don't want to be nosy, and feel free not to answer me, but I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife. What gives?"
"You see, it's like this,” he replied.. “Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers because "it's sooooooo much cheaper.”
So I figure if I have to roll my own so does she.”
I recently started dating a woman named Hope Solo.
I think she's a keeper.
A very wealthy man was on his deathbed in his mansion.Before he dies, he tells his wife to put $10 million in cash in a suitcase in the attic so he can take it with him on his way to heaven.
The dutiful wife does as he asks, and then the man passes away.
After the funeral, the wife goes back up into the attic. The suitcase is still there and the $10 million is still inside.
The wife says to herself, “I knew I should have put it in the basement.”
Little Nancy, 8, was filling a hole in her garden when a nosy neighbor peered over the fence and asked “What are you doing?” Nancy replied, “Well my goldfish died so I just buried him” The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said in a condescending tone, “That’s an awful big hole for a tiny goldfish”
As Nancy used her shovel to pat down the last heap of earth she replied, "Well, he's in your cat.”
Cheese.
I didn’t know why I considered cottage cheese to be a cheese ? It’s just a curd to me .
Been trying & trying to figure out how lightning works,
Then it struck me
Why can’t you keep bagel lovers in jail?
Because they eat the lox!
What's a cucumber's favorite sport?
Pickleball.
I put yeast, flour, and water in a bowl to make Indian flatbread. If it doesn't work, it's a non starter.
If it does work, it's a naan starter.
Why are rotten sausages so annoying?
Because they're spoiled brats!
Mom: Honey, little Jimmy swallowed a nickel the he coughed up two dimes. What do I do?
Dad: keep feeding him nickels.
Patient : Doctor doctor, I've swallowed my pocket money
Doctor : Take this and we'll see if there's any change in the morning
Never Fart in an Apple store
They got no windows
The whole town turned against me when I made fun of our coastal infrastructure
I just wanted to disappear
My wife got a new workout device that forces you to walk around with a weighted vest every few hours otherwise it makes loud warning noises
Sometimes I carry the baby around too.
top
