My son called home and I asked how things were going. He said, “Please don’t be upset, but they’re making me take another drug test.”
Four years of pharmacy school. Four years of the same damn joke.
Someone told me you could watch a solar eclipse through a colander...
I tried it and ended up straining my eyes.
Which country has the fastest growing capital?
Ireland. Cause it's Dublin every day.
Today I saved a man drowning in the river…
I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore
What is the difference between panties and female reproductive organs?One is undies the other is ovaries.
Sorry. I'm drunk. Edited because someone reminded me of what I thought of before I drunkenly posted this.
Genie.
A genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy." Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the bridge ...
Tequila
What do you call a Malaysian primate born between 1945-1964?
A boomerangatang
I tried to sign up for fight club but made a typo, and that's how I became an aviator.
As a rule, I don't talk about it.
I was watching a DIY video on how to build a taser at home.
The results will shock you.
What do you call a woman who practices sorcery in the desert?
A sand witch.
How do you kill a dad with one letter
Give him an E
What are you if you have custard and jelly in one ear and cake and cream in the other ?
A trifle deaf
The police is investigating an abandoned car with an incomplete set of golf clubs inside.
They're still looking for the driver.
A food truck crashesA food truck crashes on a mountain road and is teetering over a cliff. Firemen arrive at the scene and assess the situation. One says to another, "The truck is being balanced by that large gherkin on the back, if we do anything to stabilize the truck the gherkin may shift sending the truck over the edge. If we don't do anything an errant gust of wind may knock the gherkin off, again sending it over the edge. What are we to do?"
The other fireman replied "Balanced by a precarious gherkin, yep that's a pickle all right."
I haven't spoken to my wife in 3 years...
I didn't want to interrupt her.
What kind of car does Dracula drive?
An Impala....
I told you on our first date...A man who could drink no milk without getting sick thought he had finally met the perfect mate. She was smart, beautiful, funny and accepted his dairy limitations without pause. There was only one thing, she refused to take her shoes off in front of him. But he accepted that, and soon they were married.
Finally, on their wedding night she came to bed, completely naked, wearing not even a pair of socks. It was then the truth came out, she had been born with two club feet.
The man took one look, and asked for an immediate annulment. His new wife was shocked and begged him to reconsider. But, the man was adamant. "What did I tell you on our very first date," he asked? "I am completely lack toes intolerant"!
Why is it easy to remember the capital of Alaska?
C'mon, Juneau this!
Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
To take up more time playing that harmonica
I knew a guy who got engaged five different times ...
that's a lot of near-Mrs.
Jesus said: “Come forth and receive eternal life”
But John came fifth and won a toaster
What is Whitney Houston's favorite car brand?
HUN-DAAIII!
I said to the doctor, Ive got a problem with my earHe said are you sure?
Yes I’m definite
AI and Robots will never self replicate.People are so worried about AI and robots and how they may some day become self replicating, but they won't.
Why?
Well, they only have motherboards and no fatherboards.
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