If the stork is the bird that delivers the babies, what is the bird that prevents pregnancy?
The swallow.
What do you call a sick lawyer?
Illegal
How did medieval kings get their squires to go to sleep?
He good knighted them
I got arrested for buying stock in Morton and Duracell.
They said it’s a salt and battery.
What do you call a parrot that can’t fly?
A walkie talkie.
A man ended up in the hospital after swallowing a bunch of dollar bills
No change is expected
My wife just asked me if I know what it's like to eat an entire box of Sicilian pastries.
I said, " I cannoli imagine it."
Why don't the other 25 letters like the letter D?
He's a weirdo.
Why I'm in favor of child laborThey're called minors. So it's obvious that they yearn for the mines.
=P
A famous chocolatier developed a new product line with 50% less moisture
Dryer Lindt
My girlfriend is leaving me after I stood on her glasses and broke them.
She said, " I can't see you anymore."
Tom SwiftiesI remember seeing these in my Cub Scout magazines. They will forever be my favorite pun type jokes.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
"I can't find the oranges," said Tom, fruitlessly.
"I dropped the toothpaste," said Tom, crestfallen.
"I'm not gay," said Tom, half in earnest.
I ate the most amazing cheese I’ve ever had, fresh from the farm
It was goated.
Big news!
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
The Moral of the Story
WARNING! ... This is a long one so scroll on if you seek instant gratification...... Once there was a snake named Nate. Nate had but one job to do and it was the most important job in the entire world. Nate had to protect the world from ending by fending off anybody or anything that who would come and pull the Lever that, if pulled would end the world 🌎.. One day, Nate was distracted by a pretty female snake with whom he was flirting when all of the sudden, a large boulder came down the hill toward the lever!! Nate knew he must sacrifice himself to save the world so he got in front of the boulder which crushed him, then the boulder 🪨 just barely cleared the lever but the world was saved!!! THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Better Nate than Lever.
I told my cat I was going to teach him how to speak English
He looked at me and said, “me? How.”
Today my doctor told me I had to stop eating pizza.
When I asked him why, he said, "so I can examine you."
Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?Best Buy employee: A cord?
Me: No it's a Civic.
My kid took the drill thinking it would be a fun toy.
He eventually got bored with it.
WANTED: Someone to brush their teeth with me.
because 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone will not prevent cavities.
I had the snip because I didn't want anymore children...
But when I got home they were still there.
I tried to make a belt out of watches…
but it was a waist of time.
Divorce lawyerThere was a faint knock on a lawyer’s office door. “Come in!" he cried. He heard feeble fumbling with the doorknob so he went to the door and opened it to a very, very elderly couple.
He immediately put two chairs in front of his desk, then went back to the door to help the couple hobble over to the chairs and helped them sit down.
That done, he returned to his own seat behind the desk and said, "Good afternoon! How can I help you?"
The old man croaked, “My wife and I would like a divorce."
The lawyer was a bit taken aback but replied, "Yes, we handle divorces here. It's one of our services, and we can do this. From the look of things it appears you want to arrange something amicable. Well, that's great, and I can help you with that."
The elderly couple appeared pleased.
Then the lawyer said, "I hope you won't mind my getting personal right out of the gate here, but I have to ask – how old are you?"
The man said, "I'm 96 and my wife is 91."
The lawyer hesitated for a couple of seconds and said, "I hope you won't mind my bringing this up, but I have to say, I've never seen... I mean, it's most unusual that..." and finally he blurted out, “Why did you wait so long?"
The old woman looked up at him and answered, “We thought it would be best to wait 'til all the children died.”
Why is the letter E the only letter to receive gifts from Santa?
The other letters are not e.
Went for dinner on the USS Alabama last night.
The food was Sub-standard
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