My friend Tony asked me not to spell his name backwards
I asked him y not
What's heavier, butane or water?
Water, because butane is a lighter fluid.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right!
I got an elevator to the sixteenth floor, and as I got out, the operator said, "Have a good day, son.""Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad!"
He said: “No, but I brought you up, didn't I?".
If Mexican restaurants have Taco Tuesday, what do Vietnamese restaurants have?
Pho-riday
What moves faster, heat or cold?Heat, because it's easy to catch a cold.
Thanks, u/SpareMushrooms
When Princess Leia felt cold, her brother pulled her into an embrace to warm her up. When he asked if he she felt any warmer…
She said she felt lukewarm.
What do you call a blind German?
A not-see.
The surgeon came out and said, “Look, I have good news and I have bad news about your son. The bad news is it’s impossible remove the abacus from his stomach, so his abdomen will forever look absolutely disgusting.”
“The good news is, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.”
Microsoft still struggling with outages
The Outlook is not good.
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
My wife brought home a 1.570795 from the grocery store.
I told her next time, just get a whole pie.
The hipster burned his tongue, when he drank his coffee.
He drank coffee before it was cool.
People keep complaining that I overuse contractions.
Oh well. It's what it's!
I’d tell you an eye joke, but it would be too cornea
Maybe you could brows this sub instead?
I matched with a woman who had no arms or legs. For our first date, we agreed that I could pick her up at 8.
By the end of the night, my arms were exhausted.
How does a T. Rex know if it has worked out too hard?
He is dina-sore
Our first dinner date was going so well: we had so much in common, she said I was even cuter in person, and she laughed at my terrible jokes. But then the waiter brought out the live crabs she ordered…
That’s when things started to go sideways.
I don't understand why people get ghosted
I find it hard to phantom...
What do you say when all the flights across the US get grounded at the same time?
FAA!
I don't know why everyone's so angry at the NVIDIA CEO.
As far as I can tell, he's just minding his own affairs.
I accidentally confused a South Asian liberation movement with an African country.
Now I'm in trouble with the Viet Congo
Today, the US Mint will officially mint the last US penny and will no longer produce them in the future.
This makes no cents.
They say time flies, but with the way the airlines are going maybe time should take the bus
{chinchilla}
Looking at the way I dress, you wouldn't suspect I was a millionaire
And you'd be right to think that
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