This just happened in real life, and I got not even a chuckle.True story: the wife and I were walking in Target this evening. We were walking in the clothing section, behind an employee who was moving a mannequin. Out of nowhere the whole arm pops off, and the poor woman can’t bend to pick it up because… ya know… she’s holding the rest of the mannequin. So I walk up, grab the limb while she’s looking around for another employee to help, hold it out to her and say…
“Here, let me give you a hand”
She took it. No laughter. My wife? Nothing. So I am posting here in the hopes that my genius will be appreciated. Keep getting those dad jokes in the wild, folks.
What bird doesn't have kids ?
Swallow
I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up.
That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.
Where do mansplainers get their water?
From a well, actually.
I peaked.Sharing an IRL moment that might be the peak for bad puns for me, and that's saying something:
My wife and I were moving and she, a musician (predominantly violin), was packing up her sheet music in 2 identical baskets.
She said "I used to have these so neat. This one was all violin music, and this one was everything else. But over the years they've gotten all mixed up." And I sensed there was something there, so I took a long pause to think and then...
"...you're not going to have to re-sort to violins, are you?"
That one might have caused her physical pain, I still think about it.
Why was Aladdin banned from the Olympics?
He was caught using performance enhancing rugs.
Why were the cannibals happy to catch a politician?
Baloney sandwiches for everyone.
What do you call it when two boats fall in love?
A row-mance.
It takes me 5 minutes to walk from my home to the bar, but 20 minutes to walk from the bar back to my home.
The difference is staggering.
Why do pancakes always win at baseball?
They have the best batter.
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beet!!
If farmer A sells apples and farmer B sells bananas… What does farmer C sell?
Medicine.
Just in case I need it, I always keep an abacus right next to the sink.
That's my kitchen counter.
Someone threw a can of soda at my head today
But I'm fine because it was a soft drink
First date*first date*
Her: "Do you like dogs or cats better?"
Flipping through the menu: "What page are you on?"
What kind of car does Captain Obvious drive?A Maz-
duh. Or a Hon-duh.
My custom shoemaker refused to sell me footwear he reserved for a famous actor.
He explained that those boots were meant for Walken.
Why don't cats ever get summoned for Jury Duty?
Because they'd be guilty of Purrjury
I told my GF that I have a half brother living near Sydney Harbour in Australia. Different dads?she asked.
I said no, shark attack.
I worked as an underwear model…
It was just a brief job.
Ok Mondays, I bake. On Tuesdays I use steam. On Wednesdays, it's the Microwave. On Thursdays, it grilling only...
Happy Fry Day everyone!
I was shocked to read a local dentist was arrested for dealing drugs. I’d been going there for years…
I didn’t know he was a dentist.
Earlier this evening my partner was cooking and asked me to microwave some rice...
Our daughter asked me what it was, as the packet was a different colour from normal. I said it was just plain white rice, but it was American Long Grain rather than the normal Indian Basmati. A debate then started as to which was better, but we decided not to speculate as to favour one over the other could be construed as ricism.
I did a sponsored walk once. In the end, I’d managed to raise so much money
I could afford a taxi.
"Doctor, I have a passionate dislike for the Backstreet Boys."
Psychiatrist: "Tell me why."
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