Did you know Albert Einstein died from a blood clot in the brain?
It was a stroke of genius.
Why shouldn’t you sneeze in public?
Because people will turn to look Achoo 🤧
Did you hear about the guy who died when a periodic table fell on him?
The official cause of death was "exposure to the elements".
When I play with my dog, he's always conflicted about wanting the ball to be thrown but also not giving up the ball...
It's a real Fetch 22.
You call them Sleeveless Shirts…
…I call them Ampu-Tees
Did you hear about the goose that had to resort to stripping to buy a house?
It's the only way she could make the down payment.
Shopping with my wife at the mall, I said, “Babe, you need to accept that I’m a changed man.”
She goes, “Get out of the damn dressing room already.”
What’s the difference between a dad joke and an athletic rabbit?
One’s a bit funny… and the other’s a fit bunny.
Genuine question- what makes something a dad joke?
I think it’s when the punchline is apparent.
We have a laminator in our office that makes a weird noise.
It goes, "I'll be baaaaaack."
What's the difference between a dad joke and an athletic rabbit?
One's a bit funny and the other is a fit bunny.
Went to Aldi’s yesterday
I went to Aldi’s grocery store yesterday to pick up a few items. I noticed they’re now selling a Humpty Dumpty toy. It comes with Aldi king’s horses and Aldi kings men.
I'm writing a book about WD-40.
It's Non-Friction
How did Mongolia choose its leader in the 1200s?
By weighing the Genghis Pros and Genghis Khans!
Some jokes I've collected, and some I made upSome of these I made up, but they are obvious so I don't claim to be the originator.
I thought about going on a Round the World Cruise. But I think that ship has sailed.
I told my wife she'd painted her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
I can see myself working in a mirror factory. But on reflection...
I got offered a job as a mattress tester. I told them I'd have to sleep on it.
I thought about becoming a motivational speaker, but I couldn't be bothered.
I could always go back to work at the helium factory, they still speak very highly of me.
I did a once in a lifetime trip last year. Never again.
Thought of another one - I went into an Army Surplus Store and asked if they had any camouflage jackets. They said yes, but they couldn't find them.
I broke up with my girlfriend because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known. There were red flags everywhere.
My friend has been engaged 5 times, but never married.
That's a lot of near misses.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
Why do pandas loaf around in the zoo?
They're bread in captivity.
Why are the neighbourhood watch a bigger bunch of adrenaline junkies than the CIA?
The espionage is local
A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder.
He got a little behind in his work.
What do you call a Viking prostitute?
A Leif blower
What group do pan-sexual people belong in?
The LGBBQ community.
I'm a big fan of getting accidentally locked into my shoes
Knot.
The world's largest hand measures in at 11.75 inches
Any thing longer and it becomes a foot.
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