Dad jokes can be NSFW. And i'm gonna say why.
Why
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...
But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
A photographer was crushed today when a massive block of cheddar fell on him.
To be fair, the people he was photographing tried to warn him.
You have 2 wolves inside you
Mozart had 7 or 8 wolves inside him. That's why they called him Wolfgang.
Dating a girl who used cedar instead of silicone for breast implants would be weird…
…wooden tit.
She: You shouldn’t eat meatHe: Don't worry, it's plant-based.
She: That's awesome. Which plant?
He: The meat processing plant.
I was in the pharmacy and asked the assistant for some deodorant“Ball or aerosol”, he asked.
So I said “No, it’s for my armpits”
Did you know if you go to bed in full armor…
It’s the best way to get a full knight’s sleep
A bear and a rabbitAre taking a dump in the woods.
The bear says to the rabbit, “Do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?”
The rabbit says “no, I don’t. Why do you ask?”
Without answering the bear leans over, picks up the rabbit, and wipes his arse with him.
Over 100 years ago, two brothers announced they could fly.
Turns out they were Wright.
Why do horses have low divorce rates?
Stable relationships.
Next week is Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday
I once dated a girl with a wooden leg
It was going well for a while, but eventually we broke it off.
My son came up to me at the beach, upset. He said his sister was teasing him because she had five buckets and he only had two.
I knelt down and said, “The amount she brought doesn’t matter, son. It’s pails in comparison.”
I refuse to go to funerals
I'm just not a mourning person
I used to have a job delivering Eggs Benedict
Yup, those were my haulin days…
What are the odds Eminem becomes a transgender Catholic?
Slim to Nun?
There's this misconception that goldfish have short term memory loss.
But also the misconception that goldfish have short term memory loss.
Doctor.
Who is the coolest doctor at the hospital ?
The hip doctor.
A farmer tells his neighbor, "My horse is so smart, he can count.""No way!" "Watch." The farmer asks, "Horse, what's 2 + 3?" The horse stomps his hoof five times. The neighbor is amazed. "What's 4 + 4?" The horse stomps eight times. "Incredible!" Then the neighbor asks, "What's the square root of 1?"
The horse looks at him for a moment and says:
" Are you kidding me? I'm just a horse"
I finally quit my job as a store window mannequin.
I held that position a long time.
My girlfriend told me what she likes in a man.My girlfriend told me last night that she loves it when men pull up their sleeves and show their forearms.
Well that's me screwed - I only have two.
I was going to propose to my girlfriend but my dog ate the ring.
Now it’s just a diamond in the ruff.
I rushed my pregnant wife to the hospital as soon as she told me she couldn’t, wouldn’t, and shouldn’t stay at home any more.
I knew right then and there that she was having too many rapid contractions.
Dreamt last night I was a muffler
Woke up exhausted.....
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