If farmer A sells apples and farmer B sells bananas… What does farmer C sell?
Medicine.
I told my GF that I have a half brother living near Sydney Harbour in Australia. Different dads?she asked.
I said no, shark attack.
I was shocked to read a local dentist was arrested for dealing drugs. I’d been going there for years…
I didn’t know he was a dentist.
"Doctor, I have a passionate dislike for the Backstreet Boys."
Psychiatrist: "Tell me why."
I worked as an underwear model…
It was just a brief job.
I just heard that Neil Diamond has just sold his car on ebay...
Its a sweet car online
I was sleeping in my hotel when the phone rang at 6 AM. It was the front desk, and she told me i need to go apologize to my parents and repair our relationship before they die of old age, and I regret it forever.
It was a real wake up call.
After devouring several luxury hotels, Godzilla developed cavities.
The dentist told him he'd been eating too many suites.
I have a step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
The teacher asked a kid why he wasn't paying attention in class. "I bet you can't even name 2 types of water bodies!"
He replied, "Well, dam."
Magician.There was a Mexican magician. He said he’ll disappear on the count of three. He said uno, dos, *poof*… he disappeared without a tres.
😂
What is the difference between a boxer and a man with a cold?
One knows his blows, and the other blows his nose!
Husband: Guests are coming tonight. What's for dinner?Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.
Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say "oh no!! I dropped the chicken " . I couple of seconds later I'll drop another utensil and say "I dropped the spaghetti. Now we're only left with green beans."
(Guest arrives)
Wife: Welcome. Please make yourself comfortable.
(loud sound comes from the kitchen)
Wife: Everything alright, honey?
Husband: Damn it. I dropped the beans.
I showed my Jamaican father my report card. He said, “Do you worship the devil now, son?!” I’m like, “What do you mean??”
“Because you got a D, mon!”
My son asked me if he should use an AA or AAA battery to produce a spark to start a fire.
I said AAA, because it's a little lighter.
My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn't need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
What do wives and Google have in common?
They won't let you finish a sentence before giving you suggestions.
What do you call a short person who enjoys good food?
Gastrognome
Where do dry fish like to swim?
In the lotion
My Wife yelled at meMy wife yelled at me, "You haven't listened to a word I've said!"
I thought that was a weird way to start a conversation...
I’ve got the memory of an elephant
I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
Bear claws are by far the tastiest pastry.
They’re made from scratch.
What are you required to get before you can make your own muppets?
A Kermit permit.
Who's the tallest singer in the choir?
The alto.
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
She ran away from the ball
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