My son was just bornMy son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday... said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
Tablets were replaced by scrolls, scrolls were replaced by books.
Now we scroll through books on tablets.
My kid hit me with this one todayWhy did the coffee call the cops?
It was mugged
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they're not laughing now.
My son asked If you see an Apple Store getting robbed…
does that make you an iWitness?
What do you get when you drop a piano on a kid from a great height?
A flat minor
I accidentally sprayed Axe body spray into my mouth.
Now I speak with an Axe scent.
If I am in the middle of the ocean and I jump, but when I come down I don’t hit water, what does this mean?
Island
To the person who stole my glasses….I will find you…
I have contacts!
I love my new hobby: archery...its great
but there are a lot of drawbacks
6:30 is the best time on the clock
hands down
I hurt my back walking like an Egyptian.
Now I have to see a Cairo-practor.
Help! My dog just swallowed some coins!
I'm monitoring him, but there's still no change.
What do you call a fart that is flat?2D
(Original joke by my 8 year old)
What Mario and Luigi’s overalls are made of?
Denim, denim, denim.
What is a pirates favourite letter of the alphabet?
You think it would be RRRR but it's not ... It's the C!
You hear they're opening a Vietnamese-Italian fusion restaurant?
They're calling it "Pho-getaboutit"
Several years ago, my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven’t heard from him since!
What did the pirate name his pet clam?
Me-Shell
What do you calla teapot of boiling water on top of mount Everest?
A highpotinuse
My friend lent me their Bible and got mad I accidentally ripped out a few pages from the Book of Revelations.
I told them it's not the end of the world.
My kid hit me with this today:
a shovel
For many Afghan immigrants to US, Taliban is not a problem anymore …
… but ISIS
Pub.The worst pub l've ever been in was called The Fiddle
It was a vile inn.
I am launching a deer cloning company
just trying to make a quick buck
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