My wife is furious with me. She realized I was cheating when she found the letter that I had hidden.
We’re never playing Scrabble again.
I asked a supermarket worker where they kept the tinned peaches.He said, "I'll see," and walked away.
I asked another and he also said, "I'll see," and walked away.
In the end I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.
I have two cousins who want to date me.
I guess that makes me relatively attractive.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is at a sushi restaurant staring at his plate. Frustrated, he waves over a waiter.
Waiter “Is there something wrong with your order sir?”
Arnold “It’s not a tuna!”
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning
At dinner, my date told me that she was more of a dog person.
Which later explained the leg humping.
Thought my kid would be thrilled when the flight attendant invited him to check out the brand new cockpit before taking off.
Turns out he found it was pretty Boeing.
My daughter: That Beethoven was so nice, not claiming copyright on people using his music.
Me: Oh no, he wouldn't hear of it...
Did you hear about the blonde who identified as a boat?
She was a little dinghy!
My son asked me "Where does poo come from?"I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
Turns out anyone can make holy water right at home.
You just have to boil the hell out of it.
My dog is so dumb.
We’ve played 73 games of chess and she’s only beaten me once.
A Mossberg 500 and a Remington 870 got married...
... It was a shotgun wedding.
Chickens can't touch type
They just hunt and peck
RIP boiled water....
You will be mist.
I think jokes about aircrafts...
Are just plane wrong.
it’s math
i drank root beer from a square glass and now i only have beer.
What are you at risk for if you have sex in a coffin?
A funereal disease.
There was an emergency at work so I tried to use the emergency exit
But the emergency refused to leave.
Walking out of the bathroom...I asked my daughter if she had a candle.
She said yes, why?
Because I'm a little lighter.
I going to build an informational web site about Hip Hop Music.
It will be a Wikki-Wikki-Wikki page.
I ate someone else's Middle Eastern dinner
I falafel about it.
People don't get my poop jokes...
They have to digest them first
I saw a math teacher with graph paper.
I think she was plotting something.
I used to be afraid of hurdles.
But I got over it.
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