Just got my husband with this oneThere’s an IKEA desk I want to buy for my loft studio and am about to go out to get it. I lamented however that I will then need to carry a 24kg box up three flights of stairs. He said that when I get back I can pick him up and he’ll help.
‘But you’re heavier than the box’.
Thankfully he found that amusing.
On a roll today!I'm on a roll today!
Watching Frozen with the wife and kids.
Anna sings, "Why have a ballroom with no balls?"
Me: Oh! I know the answer to that! Its because it's not a secure location!
Wife: *dumbfounded look* What?
Me: Yeah, it's not very secure if anyone can Waltz in there.
Wife: "OH MY GAWD!!!"
Me: 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣
I found $20 in the parking lot and thought to myself “What would Jesus do?”
So I turned it into wine.
8y/o: Why did the chicken cross the road?Dad: Why?
8: To get to an idiot's house.
D: ???
8: Knock, knock.
D: Who's there?
8: ... The chicken.
(I don't think he made this one up, but it made me laugh and I'd never heard it!)
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
Nectarines
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tater.
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man!
Did you hear about the person who died by viagra?
What a hard way to go
Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?
Cause it would blow his cover.
Who's the strongest Arab?
The protein sheikh.
I accidentally drank holy water with my laxative.
I'm about to start a religious movement.
When I woke up today
I felt dismayed
I got cast in a film about a bakery. It’s not a huge part.
Just a small roll
If you'd like you can take these empty batteries.
They're free of charge.
Why did God make stars the brightest things in the universe?
Because they're his suns.
There was a dude who sued SmartWater for not making him smart.
I’d like to formally declare my intent to sue Chocolate Thins.
Found corn all over the kitchen counter and floorThere was even some in our cats' water bowl. Reminded my son (who spilled it while helping with dinner) to clean it up; our cats are carnivores not...
...cornivores.
(Actual happening. Wife laughed, son rolled his eyes like dials on a slot machine...)
Why didn't the Frenchman order the pancakes?
It gave him the crepes!
The Ark Exhibit had a section of barricade stolen from around their replica of the giant boat in the Bible. The liberal media flooded the headlines about the crime, trying to make fun of the plight.But the Creation Museum simply responded:
“Noah Fence Taken.”
What do you call dads that can’t keep the golf ball in the fairway?
Fore fathers.
Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.
For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.
I can't take my dog to the park anymore cause the duck's keep biting him.
I should've known it was bound to happen. He's pure bread.
No, I will not loan you my concealed explosive devices.
They're mine.
Train conductor school is tough. I’m struggling with driving, signaling, and navigation, but I’m acing coal shoveling class.
That’s my strong soot.
What word is always spelled incorrectly in the dictionary?
Incorrectly!
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