I'm at the age where I no longer care if I look good in photos...
I just wanna look good in CT scans, MRIs, and X-rays...
When I got to work, there was a mysterious love letter covered in slime on my desk.
Looks like I have a secrete admirer.
I dont want to brag but last year I ran two marathons in 1 day.
My first marathon and my last marathon.
When I make Eggs Benedict I only use metal plates...
Because there’s no plates like chrome for the hollandaise.
A hacker once called me and said he has all my passwords
I said, "WHAT!? Hold on. Let me get a pen. Now, what are they again?"
Me: "Dad, can you spell wonton backwards?"
Dad: "Not now."
Did you know Dolly Parton was terrible at mathematics? She even had a song about it...
"Adding 9 to 5, what a way to make 11."
I told a friend that my aunt is in hospital, passing the time by playing draughts, ludo and mahjong."Any chess?" he asked.
"No. She's gone private."
Thought I’d try and get a Broadway award for a fake play about pasta.
Turns out you can’t rigatoni.
What did Ken from Street Fighter say when I asked if I could get his autograph?
“SURE YOU CAN!!!”
At dinner, my date asked what my favorite movie was. I said, “Well, recently it’s Aquaman.” She said, “Oh, that’s a good one! Except what’s the deal with him insisting on tuning his harp in front of everyone?”
I said, “Oh, that’s just a tension sea king behavior.”
My daughter said her friend is allergic to pears
I told her she should try eating one at a time.
How many Communists does it take to change a lightbulb?
none, for the lightbulb contains the seed of its own glorious revolution..
Why did the prairie dog go to the bank?
It needed to burrow some money
My girlfriend accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.
I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"
What’s worse than a box full of snakes?
A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.
I I T Y W Y B M A DReal life experience: in an Air Force officers mess, in Ikeja, Lagos State, Nigeria, on the bar is written and spaced out,
I I T Y W Y B M A D
I ended up buying about 6 drinks for my friends. As a civilian, you tend to leave such alone, believing it's military, but curiousity always gets you.
After a couple of beers, I asked my friend, an Air Force officer, what does that mean, he replied .... If I tell you will you buy me a drink? No problem, I replied, but what does it mean? That's how I owed him 6 beers.
How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch
What do babies do on the internet?
Google gaga
What's the best thing to put into a pie...
Your teeth.
When speaking to someone in Spanish, make sure you use Mucho
It means a lot to them
My wife begged me to stop quoting Rolling Stones song titles every time we spoke.
I said OK, this will be The Last Time.
A pony goes to the doctor with a sore throat …
The doc says “It’s ok, don’t worry. You’re just a little horse.”
WENT TO A BODY PART Themed Store, and got a...
Footstool, an Armchair and a REALLY nice Headboard. What you get?
How do they get all those drugs into our jails?
I guess they are smuggled in by some arsehole.
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