Do you know that Jesus was originally named Gary
But then Mary stubbed her toe.
I recently realised that the colours on the LGBTQIA+ flag are actually all straight
...unless it blows!
Is ‘buttcheeks’ one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
At the end of our holiday visit I asked my dad if he approved of my new girlfriend, even though the only job she’s ever had was working at a zoo.
He said, “Son, she’s a keeper.”
Someone was at an Australian airport going through customsCustoms Agent: "Have you ever committed a felony?"
Person: "I didn't know that was still a requirement."
Came up with a terrible dad joke making thanksgiving dinner…My mother-in-law asked me to chop some green onions. I showed my husband and said, “See, these are scallions,” as he didn’t know what they were when he read the recipe. I continued with, “and if they make poor life choices, and listened to hip-hop, I guess they would be…rap-scallions.”
My husband groaned. My mother-in-law was dumbstruck. My father-in-law laughed from the other room. I giggled uncontrollably, very proud of my wit.
A priest, pastor, and rabbit went to donate blood. When asked what his blood type was,
the rabit said "I am a typo."
What do you call cows on a mountain side?
Lean beef.
My dad´s always complaining about the cost of things..
. "$1.50 for a coffee? $3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.
A horse enters a barA horse went into a bar and ordered a pint. The bartender said, "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse said, "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanished from existence.
That's a reference to Descartes's famous line, "I think, therefore I am."
But if I had explained that before the joke it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
Which band used to drive a truck for Quaker?
Hall'n Oates
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
If you boil a funny bone
It becomes a laughing stock
I just spent $100 on a new belt and it doesn't even fit
Huge waste
At Thanksgiving, I asked my grandma if she could pass the cranberry sauce.
She said, “Oh yes… it goes right through me.“
Tried to go to Barnes and Noble on Black Friday
But everything was booked
If anyone asks me how I spent my time off Thanksgiving, I’ll say I spent it like I like my mimosas….Bottomless.
Seriously, it’s how I’m going to get the kids to move out.
My wife told me not to buy her something too expensive for her Christmas present.
So I'm buying her new beads for her Abacus..........It's the little things that count.
What’s the worst Christmas gift?
A drill, it‘ll bore you to tears.
*holds up screwdriver*
This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill.
What would Batman order in a Bar?
Ice, Just-Ice
What’s the most uptight food?
Corn dogs, because they all have a stick up their butt.
I found out my wife was putting dog food in my coffee
It was grounds for divorce
My daughter ask me if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said, “No I didn’t even know he could”
What’s called when a cow spies on you?
A Steakout
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