A man arrives home and says to his wife: "What would you do if I told you I had a winning lottery ticket?"She replies, "Honestly? I would take my half and leave you."
"Great!" says the man, and hands her $10. "Here's your half. Now pack your bags."
My wife and I are renovating our kitchen. She went on and on about why we must use marble for the island. “It’s timeless, it adds value, and every slab is unique.” I said, “Well, I say granite is better because it looks pretty cool.” She goes, “Pretty cool? That’s all you have to say about it?”
I stood there in silence, not knowing what else to say because that was my best counterargument.
I finally found out why Uranus sounds so weird.
It's the only planet in our solar system NOT named after a Roman God.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
A man was convicted of stealing $100,000 worth of medication meant to deal with premature ejaculation but received only 3 years of probation.
Sounds to me like he got off too easy.
How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump says it’s fixed, and they all stand around clapping in the dark.
My wife yelled at me to take the spider out.
We went out for beers. Nice guy. He's a web developer.
Never, ever let your dog run free on a crowded beach...
If your dog's name is "Shark."
I hired a kid to paint my porch.
When he came back to get paid, he said, "By the way, that was a BMW, not a Porsche."
Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they will never meet.
A guy in a leather jacket told me if I gave him a hundred bucks, after six weeks he would pay me $500
Turned out to be a Fonzi scheme.
Ate my last piece of cheese last night, and today, it's raining.
Ain't no sunshine when cheese gone
A dad at the nursery suggested my newborn son might marry his newborn daughter someday...
Yeah right, like my son is going to date someone twice his age.
A new book about paranormal activity is becoming a bestseller.
It's flying off the shelves.
I’m gonna invent a device that sprays perfume with mind control.
It makes scents when you think about it.
I have a German friend who is a sound engineer.
And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.
Whats Trumps favorite garden.?
Kinder..
I just burnt 2500 calories in 20 minutes
I forgot to take the brownies out of the oven.
I saw an onion ringSo i answered it.
Almost brought me to tears.
How did the word game champ like their eggs?
scrabbled
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I'm working on a device that can read minds
I'd love to hear your thoughts
Wanna hear a disgusting joke about eating concrete?
Never mind… it’s too hard to stomach.
Turn bands into food. I'll start.
Fleetwood Mac and Cheese.
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
top
