Actually, it's pronounced "jaslight".
You've been saying it wrong the whole time.
I had a date last night, it was perfect
Tomorrow I'll try a grape.
My wife just completed a 40 week body building programme this morning.It’s a baby girl weighing 7lb 6ounce.
I’m now a dad!!!!
My ethics teacher claimed I was failing her class.
So I slid her a £20 note under the table and said, "What about now?"
What do you call a typo on a tombstone?
A grave mistake.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
I jumped off the Eiffel Tower so they renamed it after me. Now it’s called …
The “I Fell Tower”.
I entered a pun competition. I entered around 10 puns thinking one of them is bound to win...
... But no pun in ten did
Poop jokes aren't my favorite...
But they're a solid #2
Apparently with the rise of A.l., people don’t need computer screens anymore.
I’m closely monitoring the situation.
Why can’t you buy things using fried chicken?
Because it’s not legal tender
If you claim to have eaten a bologna sandwich but didn't,
you're still full of bologna
Mouse 1: Hey, stop sweating over that cat. Just spray a little bit of this underneath your arms - he won't come near you. Mouse 2: Really? What is it?
Antipurrrrrspirant 😉🐭
I got lost while hiking once.
After several nervous hours trying to retrace my steps and establish where I was, eventually a park ranger found me. I told him I'd been following my compass, but I'd still got lost. When I showed him my compass, he saw it was made by Tait & Co. He told me they were a notoriously unreliable brand. "He who has a Tait's is lost!"
It's tough being married to a trigonometry professor
They tend to go off on tangents .
What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach?
It's not you, itsa me
My friend decided to break up with his cross-eyed girlfriend.
Apparently, she was seeing someone else.
I made a Vietnamese chicken soup for my wife but used a celery based French chicken stock
She did like it when I said we were having ‘Faux Pho’ for dinner
What do you call it when batman skips churchChristian Bale
But was he Robin the offering plate?
What do you call a blond that is still in the closet?
Last years hide n seek champion
I just finished writing a book on penguins.
It probably would've been easier to write it on paper.
I’m a regular old timer
My back hurts every second.
You can never buy a brand new sign
Once someone looks at it, it’s been used
Scared of Hights
Strange how many people are scared of heights. Heights are perfectly safe. The danger is in that final inch.
I was climbing a mountain and saw a fleece-covered animal ahead of meI tried to overtake it, but it kicked me down, spat and said, "It's not personal, Sonny. It's strictly business."
It was an Alpaca-cino.
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