Who is in favour of bringing Roman numerals back into use?
I for one.
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber?Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'.
(I love this joke, but I hate that there isn't a good way to tell it aloud.)
I was driving my date to her house and told her that I wasn't good with directions; she just laughed at me...
…..So I right her left there.
During a job interview"Can you perform under pressure?".
"No but I can try bohemian rhapsody".
I haven't spoken to my wife in two weeks
It seems rude to interrupt her
Whenever my kids says "I love you" I always respond with "I love you more"
because life is a competition and they need to know their father will always win.
At dinner, I asked my date to tell me a little about herself. She said, “Well, believe it or not, I’m a microbiologist.”
I looked her straight in the eye and said, “Nice try... you look like a normal-sized biologist to me.”
I don't like people that smear spicy condiments on my gloves
I mustard mitt
My wife caught me touching myself to an optical illusion.
I said "Babe, it's not what it looks like!"
Brainy joke: Why is it a "school" of fish but a "bloat" of hippos?
Because a school of hippos would be a hippocampus
My girlfriend often tells me "you don't tell me how much you love me"
I don't want to upset her
I tried using Beef as my password.
It wasn't stroganoff
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
I’ve written a song about a locksmith
There’s a lovely key change at the end
I know it can be a drag but I’m thinking of adding a “wing” to my car…
…Spoiler alert!
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...
I recently found out that I'm afraid of German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
What do you call a priest that's also a lawyer?
A father-in-law.
What extracurricular did the vice president do in middle school?
JV Dance
My dad called to tell me Mom was in the hospital. He said, “The doctor says years of yo-yo dieting finally caught up with her.”
I said, “I knew she shouldn’t have been eating all those yo-yos.”
My new therapist used to be an electrician.
He says I have a lot of potential, but I need a better outlet.
I told my dad that I'm going to join the 'World Taekwondo Federation'
He said WTF?!
What does Neil Diamond sing when he’s waiting in a queue at the grocery store to buy corn syrup
🎶 Sweet Karo Line 🎶
What does a blasphemous blood cell do?
It takes God's name in vein
Who is Mexico’s richest man?
Jeff Pesos
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