She told me "sorry. I have a boyfriend"
"Ahh, it appears you're misstaken"
My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance.My wife said its such an uncommon name.
So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot
I told my wife there was a honeybee in my yogurt...
She ran over concerned, looked into the bowl, and saw a giant letter "B" made of honey. The 6:00 AM eye-roll was glorious.
We all know that 6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat three squared meals a day.
I was at a party when a guy walked in shouting "I'm the world's best architect!"
I thought, he knows how to make an entrance, but he was just putting up a facade.
People aren't interested in having garage sales these days..
But they're dying to have Estate Sales.
I’ve just put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my living room.
You know, just to make it more classy...
What do you call ghost boobies?
A pair a normal en-titties
What is a cannibal's favorite pasta?
Elbow macaroni.
My friends encouraged me to adopt an 80s’ hairstyle.
I told them I’d mullet over.
One eggMy wife delivered this one yesterday. I told her I don't want to hear any complaints about dad jokes for a long time now. It definitely belongs here.
So, she was pulling together a full on breakfast wish hash browns, biscuits, sausage, and eggs, turned to me and said two eggs for you, I assume? I said yes. She said, I think I'll be French today and have one.
I raised an eyebrow as I tried to puzzle it out and she came to my rescue with "because one egg is un œuf (enough)." Groans ensued, but I had to give her credit for that one.
Whenever I make a post on Reddit the first comment is usually by a police officer, fire fighter or an EMT
They're the first responders
Why are toilets always so good at poker?
They always get a flush.
Rumor has is it that orthodontists everywhere are planning to go on strike...
…brace yourselves!
What do you call a boring day for a journalist in Norway’s capital?
Oslo news day.
After a few months of dating, my girlfriend said, “It feels like this isn’t working out.” I asked, “What do you mean?” She said, “Apparently, we aren’t a good fit. It looks like we weren’t meant for each other. It appears we’re destined to move on, and it sounds like we should see other people.”
And that’s when I realized our relationship was coming apart at the seems.
I asked my friend if he wanted to hear a joke about elevators.
He said no. I told him it’s an uplifting experience. 😭
I got caught stealing Viagra from the pharmacy where I work ...I thought I was going to get fired.
Instead I got a big raise.
Did you hear about the man who lost the whole left side of his body?
He's alright now
1 is the best number ever
I'd say it is 10/10
Next time you are stuck in city traffic, blame Roxanne.
She always turns on the red lights.
The cops knocked on my door last night and said my dog has been chasing a man down the street on a bike.
I replied “Can’t be my dog as he doesn’t know how to ride a bike”.
Why did the blind boy fall down the well?
He didnt see that well
If you're planning to attend art school, you won't get through it quickly.
It's a very drawn out process.
What did Neptune change his name to once he became a Dad?
Punseidon
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