"Thank you for calling the urology department..."
"Can you please hold?"
A guy walks into a shoe store and says, “Do you have any alligator shoes?”
“We sure do,” replies the assistant. “What size shoes does your alligator wear?”
I entered ten puns into a pun competition:
I hoped at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.
I offered a helping hand at Target today. Got zero appreciation.
My wife and I were walking through Target when an employee in front of us dropped a mannequin’s arm. Since her hands were full holding the rest of the mannequin, she couldn't bend down to pick it up.
Naturally, I picked it up, held it out to her, and said, "Here, let me give you a hand."
She took it in total silence. My wife just stared at me.
There's a new sport trending in Europe called 'quiet tennis.'
It's very similar to regular tennis but without the racket.
What do you call a man who is overly prepared?
Justin Case
My plan to get rid of the poison ivy in my yard …..
turned out to be a rash decision. I've only scratched the surface. I was just itching to tell you about it.
My wooden car
I went to a car auction today and I bought a wooden car. It’s really cool, everything is made of wood. It has a wooden body, wooden wheels and wooden tires, a wooden engine, wooden transmission and wooden seats. It even has a wooden key! But when I went to drive it home, it wooden start!
What do you call a Viking who lost his boat?
A Hiking.
What do you call a rock that’s not a meteorite?
Meteowrong
I left my job in tyre shop.
Just too much pressure.
There was a pasta who sabatoged a Broadway awards show
Rigatoni
What should we name our piglets?
Chris P. Bacon
I went fishing with my dad today, we chartered a boat. Half way in he has to use the restroomHe tells me
Son I have to use the restroom, can you hold my pole?
I tell him
Sorry dad you're gonna have to do that on your own.
Gotta say I was proud of that one, we had a good laugh, and had a damn good haul. Good day
Why do you never see the mother or father of someone transgender?
Because they’re transparent.
Dog.I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
What are the shittiest kind of slacks?
X slacks.
My 19yo daughter just dropped this on me: How can you tell if you're having dinner with a termite?
They order the house salad.
Today I found a coin with bite marks all over it…
I guess it was a bitcoin.
You know what's worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles
I've been having a really hard time lately but then I remembered what they always say "better living through chemistry"
so I baked a cake.
What does the moon do when he needs a haircut?
Eclipse it.
I was a great high jumper in college. One day, I took my pole to the Magic Kingdom…
I decided to Vault Disney World.
We have a mole in the CIA.
This week, it's my turn to clean its cage.
What has four stander uppers, four puller downers, two lookers, two hookers, and a swishy wishy?
A cow.
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