Today, the US Mint will officially mint the last US penny and will no longer produce them in the future.
This makes no cents.
What do you call it when a naked person sits down?
A moon landing
When a woman has a baby, why is it called delivery?
It's pretty obvious that it's takeout.
Old fat guy walks into the gym. Sees a beautiful woman working out. He asks the attendant: what machine can I use to impress her?
“An ATM”
I have no clue why everyone likes that new movie called "G PG PG-13 R NC-17"
It's so overrated
Horse Walks Into a Bar…A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says “hey - i see you in here a lot. Are you an alcoholic or something?”
The horse says “i don’t think i am”, then poof - he vanishes like he never existed.
Now this is a play on words about René Descartes’ famous philosophy of “i think, therefore i am”, but explaining that beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo accident.
They put me in the ICU.
I just saw somebody get arrested at the hobby lobby by my house. Apparently he was putting glitter all over his testicles
Pretty nuts
told my boss I needed a raise because three other companies were after me.
he looked all serious and asked which ones… I said the electric, gas, and the water company
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who...
couldn’t control her pupils?
Which one of King Arthur's knights designed the round table?
Sir Cumference
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his penis. The bartender asks him “Is that a steering wheel on your penis?”
The pirate replies, “Aaaar, yes! It’s driving me nuts!”
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike...
It's a vicious cycle
Did you hear about the Dutch man who left a bunch of shoes in the middle of a busy freeway?
It was a clogged artery
There's a great Indian restaurant in my town, but they're very protective of their bread recipe.
The make you sign a Naan Disclosure Agreement.
My wife didn't think I would call our daughter a silly name....
I called her Bluff.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archeologists believe if may be Pharaoh Roche.
I recently joined a dating group for pyromaniacs
I got a match straight away
What did the farmer get when he bought 5 sheep but only received 4?
An I. O. Ewe.
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart
Sounds easy but the process is painstaking
I'm writing a book about all the things I should do
It's my ought-to biography
What is the difference between a well-dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? 🚴
Attire.
I hate the horse shaped chess pieces.
They are a total Knight Mare!
A farmer buys a new young rooster when his old rooster can't "perform" anymore.As soon as he gets it home, the rooster bangs all of the farmer's hens. The farmer is pretty impressed.
After lunch, the rooster does all the hens again.
Next day, the rooster does all the ducks and the geese.
Later that day, the farmer finds the rooster laying on the ground with the vultures circling overhead.
The farmer shakes his head and says, 'You deserve it, you horny bastard'.
The rooster slowly opens one eye, lifts a wing, points at the vultures circling above, and whispers,
“Shhhh… they’re about to land.
My daughter said, “Mommy wants a horse-drawn carriage for your anniversary.” I said, “Sweetie, that’s ridiculous…”
“…horses can’t draw.”
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