Why don’t accountants last long in bed?
They’re too busy trying to balance the sheets.
I live my life by a couple of simple rules.No pee jokes. That's number one.
No poop jokes. That's number two.
Anytime I visit a sex shop, I secretly draw little sprinting legs on the rubber ball mouthpieces.
It’s a running gag.
In school I excelled at all my class except Greek Mythology...
It was my Achilles Elbow.
Son: Dad, I think the bougie man is under the bed? Dad: Don't you mean the boogeyman?
Voice from under the bed: Wow, the thread count on these sheets is PATHETIC.
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid, “State of the art! Cost me a small fortune.” I said, “Awesome. What type is it?” He replied...
“Two thirty.”
If only someone could speed up the deer reproduction process.
They could probably make a million bucks
I just ate the numbers 3, 5, 7, 9 and 11.
They tasted odd.
I heard they are going charge people for getting a cold
It will be a Cough Fee
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have two half sisters...
I thought for sure I’d be hired after I nailed my interview at a psychic’s office.
But apparently I didn’t pass the foreground check.
What's Ross Geller's favourite type of Excel table?
Pivottttt.
Did you hear about the two radios that got married?
The reception was amazing.
The guy that invented pants?
He was a real slacker.
What do you call a crab that plays baseball?
A pinch hitter!
I have a pun about the wind but
It blows
What do you call an Egyptian witch?
A sandwich.
You can take my fireworks when you pry them from my cold, dead hands!
Which are over there on the sidewalk...
My next door neighbors couldn't pay their water bill...
So I sent them a get well soon card.
Sorry, it was only a sneeze...
I didn't mean to yell achoo
There once was a mathematician who had a constipation problem.
He worked it out with a pencil.
I found my physics professor face down on his desk crying before class. I put my hand on his shoulder and asked, “Hey, what’s the matter?”
He looked up at me and said, “Anything that has mass and takes up space.”
The Porridge Protest
The Bear family wakes up, and both Baby Bear and Daddy Bear find their bowls empty, exclaiming about who ate their porridge. Mummy Bear yells from the kitchen that she hasn't even made it yet.
Why can't a leopard hide?
He's always spotted.
Houses.Did you hear about one house falling in love with another house? It was a lawn-distance relationship.
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