A man read 12.5% of the Bible.
He's an eightheist.
Actually, it's pronounced "jaslight".
You've been saying it wrong the whole time.
My wife lost her dictionary.
I tried comforting her, but my words seem to have no meaning to her now.
Four math professors walk into a barthe barman asks: "do you all want a beer?"
First one says: "I don't know"
Second one says: "I don't know"
Third one says: “i don’t know”
Fourth one says: “yes please”
A neighborhood pub planned a costume party & the bartender announced they must all come dressed up as their love life. On the night of the party the bartender spotted some old geezer dressed as Abraham Lincoln.He walked over to him and said, “Hey, you were supposed to come dressed up as your love life.
With a shrug and a sly grin the older man replied,” Oh, I have. My four scores were seven years ago."
I finally decided I prefer crows to ravens
It was a close caw.
I’ve been hosting a poker game with oversized playing cards.
It’s kind of a big deal.
What do you call a sheep wrapped in plastic?
Lambinated…
Did you hear about the scientists that made the worlds largest suction cup
I dont know how they manage to pull it off
What did the bra say to the hat?
“You go on ahead, and I will give these two a lift."
Seen a guy standing on one leg at the ATM
I asked him..."What are you doing?"
He replies....."Just checking my balance".
What do you call a short-sighted dinosaur?
A doyouthinkhesaurus."
What pasta locks you out of your house?
Gnocchi.
I bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday
As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
An armed man robs a bank with 2 CDs glued to his glasses. The cashier hands the man all the money and then says “Got to ask, what’s with the CDs?”
He replies “It’s my disk-eyes”
What's it called when you take a poop in the dark?
A spookie dookie
I was talking to someone about countries having low birthrates and snuck this in.Me: South Korea had the lowest birth rate but recently got theirs up a bit.
Her: I wonder which one has the lowest now.
Me: I'd have to look it up. I'll do it later.
Her: Do you know which nation has the highest?
Me experiencing sudden inspiration: I think it's the nation of Impreg.
Her not connecting the dots immediately: I haven't heard of it. Do they have a lot of people?
Me: Oh I hear they get a lot of visitors who stay less than a year but few permanent residents. I've been there. It's kinda nice. But some women hate it there.
She asked a few questions with my responses getting more ludicrous until:
Her: Ok, I have to look this place up.
Her looking at her phone: GOD DAMNIT!
Glorious.
Dad, how many people work at your company?
About half of them
Books I’d like to readSkydiving by Hope Shue-Topins
Rottweiler! By B Wearuv D’Aug
When I moved California 3 years ago.. I noticed everyone drinks bottled water..
I have been drinking tap water since I moved here there’s nothing wrong with me. Not to mention … I have been drinking tap water since I moved here there’s nothing wrong with me…
Why couldn’t the sailor’s play cards at sea?
The captain was standing on the deck!
How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
You will see one later and one in a while.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes
She gave me a hug
I was on the fence about buying a house, so the seller said they'd throw in a free Saab
To Sweden the deal
What I don't get about homophobes...
How can you be afraid of your own home? You live there! DUUUUHHHHH
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