To everyone who said I'd never become a journalist:
I've got news for you.
What is the most common type of doctor in Egypt
A Cairo-practor
At dinner my date complained, “Naps? Sleeping in? Taking breaks? How are these actual hobbies?? Your profile said you were interesting!”
I calmly leaned in to clarify. “Resting. I’m into resting.”
[Warning 18+]
19
I’ve had my recliner for a long time.
We go way back.
A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink.
One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's 9 in the evening.
Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell.
His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams.
The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're almost there!'
What do you call a dinosaur that's read Wuthering Heights?A Brontésaurus.
I'll get my coat.
Just been prescribed some anti-gloating cream.
I can't wait to rub it in.
I forgot to hire an editor for my puzzle book…
It was riddled with errors.
I was gonna tell all of you a joke about mixing Helium with other elements, but then I decided not to . . .
I knew I wouldn’t get a reaction
You know why you never hear any jokes about vacuum cleaners?
Because they all suck.
You can't just decide if you want to be a wheat farmer
You have to be bread for it
Why didn't Mel Gibson become a lawyer?
He couldn't pass the bar
I think my car battery caught a virus. I looked and found the two tell-tell bumps on the surface.
Both bumps were tested, and one is positive. I'm afraid that the prognosis is terminal. 😔
I am not a weather man
But you can expect a few inches tonight
William Shatners' new line of womens' lingerie has been tanking in sales
There were probably better names than Shatner Panties
A little girl was talking with her teacher about whales.The teacher explained that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, although whales are very large mammals, their throats are relatively small.
The little girl replied,
“But Jonah was swallowed by a whale.”
Slightly irritated, the teacher repeated,
“No, that's impossible. A whale simply could not swallow a human being.”
The little girl thought for a moment and then said,
“When I get to heaven, I'll ask Jonah.”
The teacher smiled and replied, “And what if Jonah went to hell?”
Without missing a beat, the little girl answered,
“Then you can ask him.”
Did you hear the one about the bear?
It was a grizzly tale!
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it
What do you call a man who spends his day structuring text-based data?
Jason
What is the difference between a piano, a can of fish, and a tub of glue?You can tuna a piano but cant piano a tuna.
What's with the tub of glue you ask?
I figures you would get stuck on that.
My eye doctor: “I have your test results”Me: “Can I see them?”
Him: “maybe not”
My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files because I always have trouble with...
...emotional attachments.
I pleaded, “Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!” He said, "Repeat infractions?" I responded...
"Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!"
Why did Old MacDonald visit a gastroenterologist?
He was having irregular vowel movements: E-I-E-I-O.
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