What do you call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer.
Does anyone have trouble remembering maine’s abbreviation
or is it just me?
I’m starting to understand why Yoda wanted to spend time on a swamp planet.
It makes the Dagobah faster.
What do you call someone who is late to work?
Mr. Bus
If you go to a place and there's no white people
That place is cracka-lackin
I got fired from my job at the calendar factory
I didn’t even do any thing, I just took a day off
I regret buying a second hand boomerang
It went back to the owner
Brian Wilson walks into a bar."Round, round, get a round, I get a round."
I hope this joke gives you good vibrations.
How can you tell the sex of ants?
Just toss them in water. Ones that sink are girl ants, and ones that float are buoyant.
I found money in my pasta sauce can but I ate it anyway......
......it was worth every penne.
I heard my daughter say from the other room "dad (sister)'s doing something she's not supposed to be doing!"
I responded with
me: is she Building a rocket or fighting a mummy?
6 year old: no
me: Or climbing up the Eiffel Tower?
6 year old no she is-
me: Discovering something that doesn't exist?
6 yo: no shes not doing that she is-
Me: giving a monkey a shower!?!
6yo no no
me: o i know she is Surfing tidal waves, creating nanobots or locating Frankenstein's brain?
6yo old: what?
me: Finding a dodo bird, painting a continent
Or driving her sister insane?
6yo: that one shes doing that one.
I got my blood drawn recently.
Great artist, niche subject matter.
What do you call a stoner in designer jeans
High fashion
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
Do you like my Halloween themed toothpaste?
It's called A Brush With Death
Did you know you cannot run in a campground?
You can only ran, because it’s passed tents.
Every time I am hiking with my kids and we see animal droppings, we pick through the droppings with a stick to see what the animal may have eatenI always say "I see a couple of seeds, but it looks like it mostly eats poop!"
Heard this first from Kevin Nealon,
ever have sex while camping?
it’s fucking in tents!
I don't know if this is the right place to be sharing this but it wasn't easy for me growing up in that house. My mother worked for an insecticide making company and my dad was in the business of cleaning up hazardous waste.
It was such a toxic relationship.
I found a store that sold nothing but single gloves and mittens.
It was a second-hand store.
Two guys are robbing a liquor store.One of them asks he other "is this whiskey?"
The other one says : yeah, but it's not as wisky as wobbing a bank.
The largest Greek island took mankind forever to discover
It was very disCrete
An ornithologist friend of mine has published an album of his favorite bird songs that he's recorded.
He's calling it his Greatest Tits.
A book fell and hit me on the head last night.
I've got nobody to blame but my shelf.
I've said it before and I'll say it again...
It.
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