I broke up with my girlfriend because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known. There were red flags everywhere.
As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....
"But you already own her home!"
My friend has been engaged 5 times, but never married.
That's a lot of near misses.
Really happened (I-5 in CA) - I saw a sign on the freeway that said corn maze ahead, so of course I told my girlfriend "I bet its amazing."
Without missing a beat she replied "your so corny."
Why should you never rub avocados in your eyes?
Well, you could get guacoma.
Why did the 9V battery get kicked out of the group?
It was an AA meeting.
What do you call the shortest mother ever?
The minimum.
He admitted that he didn't know anything about the cloning machine.
I said: "That makes two of us!"
Mannequin.When I was younger I had a job as a shop window mannequin.
I held that position for a long time.
I had to tell my patient I'd dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery.
I'll never forget the look on his elbow.
I was starving to death and my friend lent me some spices....
Now I'm living on borrowed thyme.
I refuse to eat steak on the beach.
That’s my loin in the sand.
Some jokes I've collected, and some I made upSome of these I made up, but they are obvious so I don't claim to be the originator.
I thought about going on a Round the World Cruise. But I think that ship has sailed.
I told my wife she'd painted her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
I can see myself working in a mirror factory. But on reflection...
I got offered a job as a mattress tester. I told them I'd have to sleep on it.
I thought about becoming a motivational speaker, but I couldn't be bothered.
I could always go back to work at the helium factory, they still speak very highly of me.
I did a once in a lifetime trip last year. Never again.
I do a lot of illegal things...
But graffiti is where I draw the line.
The other day, someone ripped out the 5th month out of my calendar.
I'm dismayed.
You can cook prawn all you want.
But they'll still be raw in the middle.
I asked the book store owner if she knew the book about Pavlov's dogs and Shroedinger's cat.
She said, "I don't know if I have it or not, but it rings a bell."
In today's news, Little Red Riding Hood was found in critical condition.
Paramedics say she's stable at the moment, but she's not out of the woods yet.
My wife was complaining that I never buy her flowers.
I didn’t even know she sold them.
I didn’t want to admit to myself that my friend was stealing road markers
But when I saw his bedroom, all the signs were there.
I went bird watching with Sinead O Connor.
We saw 7 Owls and 15 Jays then I saw a dove today.
I hired a landscape gardener but he couldn’t help me….
….my garden is portrait
Why are guys such great cooks
Because with just two eggs and a sausage, they can fill a belly for 9 months
Most actors eat with a fork
but Reese Witherspoon.
I used to have a job as a shop mannequin.
I held that position for a long time.
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