What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
They are both meat substitutes
I told my therapist that I got a gun because of my fear of birds.He said I was getting carried way.
I chambered a round and said, "Not today, I'm not."
I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159.
Then it just CLIX.
I got my vaccination for shingles today.
Just to be on the safe side, I also got one for vinyl siding as well.
What's the highest religious festival in the Islamic Republic of Japan?
Ramendan.
My friend Joe is losing weight
He's on the Dolly Parton diet. It really makes Joe lean.
Why did the witch go commando?
To get a better grip on her broom
My 12 year old son just made this upMy 12 year old to me:
Dad, every time I see a homeless guy now, he has a dog with him.
I tell the homeless guy he’s investing in the wrong Roof!
( I had to high five the little guy it was so bad!)
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?"
"The doorbell repair man."
A dung beetle walks into a bar…
…and says “Is that stool taken?”
To whoever stole my glasses
I will find you,i have contacts.
I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy
It’s not like I did anything
I’m currently writing a joke about a slight breeze
But it’s just a draft right now
PSA: If you receive an email containing a video of bear attacks, do not open it!
It’s maul ware.
I asked my wife if she’d hem my pants. She ripped them out of my hands and snapped, “Fine!” I said, “Whoa, what’s wrong?” She said, “Nothing.”
I said, “You seam angry…”
My proctologist stopped breathing during my colonoscopy.
She assfixiated.
Last request
Priest: Do you have any last requests? Murderer sitting in the electric chair: Yes. Can you please hold my hand?
A Mexican magician tells his audience that for his final trick of the evening he will completely vanish on the count of three...He then goes "¡Uno!" "¡Dos!" ...and suddenly *POOF!*
He disappeared without a Tres.
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records...
Then the librarian told me to take it out
My dog is a mathematical geniusI asked him "what is 2 minus 2".
He said nothing.
My GF told me she's leaving because of my obsession with health and safety.
I said, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."
A couple goes to a steakhouse for dinner.Server: How would you like your ribeye cooked?
Husband: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Server: Rare it is.
What did the two oceans say when they passed by each other?Nothing. They just waved.
Sea what I did there?
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field!
What did one crow say to the other crow when leaving?
I'll caw you later
top
