Promised my wife I'd fix the leaky tap three years ago.
It's a running joke now.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
I just heard some very concerning news. The singer, Sting, has gone missing…
The Police have no lead.
what's the difference between a Vietnamese restaurant and an Indian restaurant?
One is pho profit, the other is naan profit.
Did you know Dracula's girlfriend has an onlyFangs?
Heard she was a battie
What's the smallest knife in the kitchen?An 8 inch chef's knife.
Seriously -- can you image just how small the knives would have to be for an 8 inch chef to hold them?
I went to the doctor because I kept thinking I was a pair of curtains
He told me to pull myself together
My girlfriend told me there was a skinny pervert at the Halloween party last night dressed as a pickle-flavored pancake, making inappropriate comments to all the women.
I said, “Sounds like a disgusting crêpe.”
My coworker that I've worked with for 14 years is retiring and I need a good on-theme dad joke to put in his card.Edit: I used 2 of the jokes (the lightbulb one and the "who likes Mondays" one) and they went over great!
Thanks all!
Auto-targeting the enemy is not a new technology.
It was made a sentry ago
Whats a ghost’s favorite car?
A Boo-gatti
A box of chocolates has about 5,400 calories.
Don’t eat the box and you’ll be fine.
Did you know that Spider-Man has a Winter jacket made out of flatbread?
It's a Pita Parka
Where do sick kangaroos go?
hopital
What do pirates do for exercise?
Planks!
What's another name for an Asian assassin?
Chinese take-out
Where's the best place in the UK to neatly store away your cats?
Felixstowe
What does a bird of prey do when it accidentally swallows some feathers
Hawk tuuuaaaaahhh
How did Kermit get a girlfriend?
He pulled pork.
(First day as a vet)Me: What seems to be the problem
Cat: Meow
Me: Yes, but where?
It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But harder to deter gents.
What do you call someone who teaches dogs to dance?
A corgi-ographer
Running.Got up this morning and ran around the block 5 times.
Then I got tired, so I picked up the block and put it back in the toy box.
where do you find Bigfoot in the library?
in the large print section
I tried snorting coke once
But I had a bad experience with the bubbles getting into my nose, so I switched to Pepsi
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