I was asked to run a marathon recently, but said hell no. But my mate told me it was for blind and handicapped kids.
I thought for a while and thought, yeah, why the hell not, I could easily win that race.
A weasel goes into a bar. The bartender says “Interesting. I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
Why does a milking stool only have three legs?Because the cow has the udder.
(I never see this one here - maybe the bots will pick it up.)
When I inherited part of my dad’s fortune, I called my sister and asked, “Did he give money to you too?”
She answered, “Why would he do that? He never even listened to their music!”
A lawyer goes into a bar.The bartender says, "What can I get you?"
"Pop" goes the weasel.
My wife worships me.
She places burnt offerings before me every single night
How do you combine things underwater?
By submerging them
How does a polygamist hippie count his wives?
1 Mrs. Hippie. 2 Mrs. Hippie. 3. Mrs Hippie...
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory
My wife and I have decided that we don’t want kids.
If anyone else does we can drop them round later.
I once dated a girl that turned out to be a communist.
I should have known better, there were red flags everywhere.
A swimmer was asked what her favourite stroke was…
She replied “The one that killed Margaret Thatcher”.
Did you hear about the shuttle full of Elvis impersonators that crashed in Las Vegas
No one was hurt but they were all shook up
I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing
Except at a funeral
What do you call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher.
My mom and my dad were quite the opposite:
My mom was always right and my dad left.
What do you call raw fish that's been prepared by a samurai?
Slashimi
I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds
Poor guy
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”
I was invited to a comedy club for surgeons a few days ago. I left shortly after the show started, completely disgusted and traumatized
It was open Mike night
Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
Did you know if you boil a funny bone…
…it becomes a laughing stock! - now THAT’S humerus!
Stop trying to find the perfect match!
Use a lighter.
My son just opened a cookie from Panda Express and it had no piece of paper inside.
How unfortunate.
In college I took a class on humility and failed it.
Which was strange because the work I did in it was absolutely genius.
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