Strangely, I found stir fry all over my bed this morning
...must have been sleep woking again...
Did you hear about the constipated math teacher?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Why don’t accountants last long in bed?
They’re too busy trying to balance the sheets.
My wife vetoed my request to buy expensive extra-large boxers.
She clearly doesn’t appreciate the national emergency for lavish ballroom.
How do you dry a rabbit ?
With a hare dryer
If I had pet ducks and I caused a huge fight between them,
Would you say I have all my ducks in a row?
Meeting at the golf courseA man was playing golf and forgot which hole he was at. He saw a woman ahead of him and asked "Excuse me, what hole are we at?"
The woman replied, "Well, this is 7th and you're a hole behind, so that would be 6th."
The man thanked her and returned to his hole, but finding the woman interesting he decided to go talk
to her after a few holes.
"I'm sorry, but could you tell me what hole I'm at now?"
The woman smiled, "This is 13 and you're a hole behind, so 12." The man thanked her and invited her to lunch. She accepted.
At the table, getting to know each other the man asks, "What do you do for work?"
The woman blushed and said, "You have to promise not to laugh." The man promised and the woman said,
"I manage a tampon factory."
The man immediately fell out of his chair laughing. "You promised!" the embarrassed woman shrieked.
The man got up and explained, "No,
it's not that. I distribute toilet paper,
so I'm still a hole behind."
I live my life by a couple of simple rules.No pee jokes. That's number one.
No poop jokes. That's number two.
Mozart was a child prodigy.
Seriously, he was A sharp minor.
In school I excelled at all my class except Greek Mythology...
It was my Achilles Elbow.
If only someone could speed up the deer reproduction process.
They could probably make a million bucks
Anytime I visit a sex shop, I secretly draw little sprinting legs on the rubber ball mouthpieces.
It’s a running gag.
I told my suitcase there would be no vacation this year
Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid, “State of the art! Cost me a small fortune.” I said, “Awesome. What type is it?” He replied...
“Two thirty.”
Why do cannibals not eat guys who wear socks with sandals?
Bad taste.
Why were the Monkees kicked out of the Bee Keeper Club?
Because they're bee leavers!
I just ate the numbers 3, 5, 7, 9 and 11.
They tasted odd.
What do you call a psychic who loves their job?
A happy medium....
Roadside Burrito
I ate a bad roadside burrito and decided to go to church the next morning. They made me sit in my own pew.
Son: Dad, I think the bougie man is under the bed? Dad: Don't you mean the boogeyman?
Voice from under the bed: Wow, the thread count on these sheets is PATHETIC.
Psychiatrist’s Office
When I first went to see my psychiatrist, I was wearing nothing but cellophane wrapped around my naked body. He said, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts….”
I got fired from my set designer job
I left without making a scene
What's Ross Geller's favourite type of Excel table?
Pivottttt.
Why shouldn't wildlife photographers sit on arctic ice for too long?
They're at risk of developing polaroids
I told my suitcase there'd be no vacation this year.
Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.
top
