My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture…
…I have a hunch it might be me. 🤣
My son asked me if I ate his leftovers in the fridge and is said "no..."
I ate them in the living room
Why do sex workers wear high heels?
So they don't sell themselves short.
Do you know people are born with four kidneys?
But two of them become adult knees when they grow up
I'd slept in, so my wife came to check on me. She said, "Oh, you're up."
I replied, "Well, North America, but yeah."
What has five toes that isn’t your foot?
My foot.
A man goes to a party and gets thirsty. He immediately goes over to the bowl of fruit juice and gets a drink.
There is no punchline.
What do you call two octopuses that look the same?…
…itenticle! 🤣
I put laxatives in my alphabet soup
I call it Letter Rip
What nut is always sneezing?
Cashew
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
Paris was overrun by a gang of criminal anarchists who all dressed as mimes...
They did unspeakable things!
A man burst into his doctors office, runs up to the doc, grabs him by the shirt and screams "Half the time I feel like I'm a teepee, othertimes I'm a wigwam. What's wrong with me?"
Doctor calmly replies, "Relax! You're two tents."
I got in an argument with a guy and he threw sodium chloride at me.
I'm pressing charges. That's a salt.
Did you steal my antidepressant again??
Hope you’re happy now.
I was reading about dragons and dinosaurs
and there's this idea that, seeing it can breathe fire, a dragon would never explode, but a dino.... might.
A guy walks into a bar…
He says, “Ouch!”
I am biased towards pho
Does that mean I have phobias?
The IT guy fixing my keyboard threatened me...
He said he'll give me a black "I"...
A man at a restaurant was reported to have choked to death on his naan.
Investigating police are reporting it as a possible hummucide.
Why do astronauts use Linux?
Because they can't open Windows in space
Why is the basket ball court wet?
Because the players dribble on it.
Doctors say you shouldn’t do your own prostate exam. Can anyone tell me why?
I can’t quite put my finger on it.
Three old men, hard of hearing, are walking at a park.The first says: "It sure is windy today!"
The second says: "No, it's Thursday."
"So am I," said the third. "I could use a drink!"
Working overnights at the kennel club is scary!!!
It’s dark and full of terriors
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