A repairman came to fix my oven todayHe says, “I found your problem. It was a bad transformer.”
I replied, “I think those are called decepticons.”
True story.
My wife said that if anything should happen to her, I should see other women.
She just stubbed her toe on the bed frame, so I guess I'm avaliable.
My car broke down so I took the bus
A policeman showed up at my office and made me give it back
Colonoscopy the movie
Starring Cameron Diaz
My wife asked me to spoon in bed...
but I'd rather fork
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
I just saw my wife trip over and drop a basket of clothes she just ironed.
I watched it all unfold
What's something a musician can say to his audience but not to his girlfriend.
Thanks for the clap.
What do you call having a conversation on the toilet?
Shit Shat
What do you call a cow that had an abortion?
Decaffeinated
What do you call a dog in winter?
A chili dog 🥁
Just wondering what vegetable do you need when your tire is flat?
A-spare-I-guess
It's a Civic Holiday today in Canada (no, really. Every August).
That would explain all the Hondas on the road.
A friend told me he’s worried about his marriage
His buddy used a page of his wife’s daily planner to smoke cannabis. He’s now worried that his buddy is high on his wife’s to do list.
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar.
Batman follows them in.
Bananas are the most knowledgeable fruit
They always got that 4(0)11.
Why did the couple bring a map to bed?
Because they kept getting lost in each other.
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me.
Why shouldn't you eat the dice at a casino in Las Vegas?
It turns into a game of "craps" 💩🎲🎲
At Starfleet Academy, Picard won a trophy so big he could climb inside it.
He called it the enter prize.
A herd of cows escaped from their field today.Witnesses described it as…
Udder chaos.
I recently failed my Medical College entrance exam because of nerves…
The correct answer was blood vessels.
Went to the school for the mute alumni reunion...
...can't tell you how happy we all were!
They just raised the cost of poetry and logic books.
I can hardly see the rhyme or reason.
Family dinnerWhen the fruit plate came out after the big family dinner, some went for the tasty apples and some for the sweet mandarins, but Dad always went for the pear first...
...because he wanted to be prepared for anything.
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