My kid walked in with his new Middle Eastern friend from next door and said, “Dad, guess what? My new friend is WAY cooler than all the other kids on our street!”
Kneeling down I said, “Buddy, I’m excited you two are getting along… but you really shouldn’t compare Yousef to others.”
What do you call a paper-airplane that doesn’t fly?
Stationary
In today's news, a man accidentally overdosed on Viagra.
The wife is taking it hard.
Why did the insomniac get sent to jail?
He was resisting a rest.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday
I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
The sign at the gas station read $4.04
My teen son instantly said “404 error gas price not found.” Proud moment.
I’ve resorted to selling shaving kits to support my political campaign.
Honestly, I’m getting tired of these fund razors.
What do you call a bull that’s sleeping?
A bull dozer.
What do you call it when you tie ropes in space?
Astro-knots
What does Lionel Richie wear when he’s home alone?
All nylon
You don't know the struggle of being a pastry chef
Untill you've walked a mile in their choux's
A gynecologist was having a midlife crisis and decided to leave the medical profession to become an auto mechanic.He went to an auto mechanic school, studied hard and eventually it was time for the final exam.
He was amazed when the exam was returned with a grade of 200 and is amazed and said, “I thought the highest you could score on the test was 100."
"It is, normally,” the instructor replied.
“But I gave you 50 for taking the engine apart correctly, 50 for putting it back together correctly and the extra 100 for doing it through the muffler.”
What smells better than it taste?
A Nose
What do you call an Irish alligator?
Croc O'Doyle!
Bakery.I opened a bakery...
But it crumbled under pressure.
My wife shouted, "There’s a grizzly in our kitchen! How'd it get in?" I explained, "Honey, it's a long story and you probably won't believe me, but..."
"Bear with me..."
I bought a fancy pen to feel successful
Now I write disappointing lists with confidence.
A man did not like his wife’s cat.One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go.
When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.
Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and let it out of the car again.
Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.
Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, through the woods, and clear across three counties before putting the cat outside and driving off.
Several hours later the man’s wife was at home when the phone rang. She picked up and it was her husband.
“Is the cat there?” He asked.
“Yes…” she replied.
“Well put him on the phone, I’m lost”
Apparently, keeping tropical fish at home has a calming effect on the brain.
Must be all the indoor fins.
What did the cat say when it got hurt?
Me ow
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall.
DAM!!!
My daughter said, “Daddy, I saw a deer on the way to school this morning.”
I said, “That’s great, but how did you know it was on its way to school?”
I walked into the paint store to get thinner
But it did not work
A cartoonist was found dead in his home..
The details are sketchy
What do you call a guy who hangs out on your deck?
Paddy O’Furniture
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