Actual line from my 10-year old: At dinner I mentioned that for some reason the corn didn’t actually taste much like corn.
After a slight pause, my son deadpanned: “That’s corncerning.” 10/10 groaner
My house is haunted by a chicken
It is a poultry-geist. A really fowl spirit. I called an eggcorcist. He tried to get it to the other side.
What did the baby chicken say when its mother laid an orange?
“Look at the orange mommalaid.”
I just finished reading a book about the world’s greatest basement.
It was best cellar.
How does a polygamist hippie count his wives?1 Mrs. Hippie. 2 Mrs. Hippie. 3. Mrs Hippie…
Edit: Typo
A friend of mine changed his name to Björn today
He wasn't Björn yesterday
Please don't accept friend requests from Lizzie Borden on Facebook.
She is a known hacker.
How bring moose in CanadaTwo Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.
The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after take off.
Climbing out of the wreck, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
I have asked many people what LGBQTIA+ stands for....
So far no-one has given me a straight answer.
What happens if someone slaps you at a high frequency?
It Hertz.
A cannibal family moved in next door and invited us over for dinner.
Apparently they were fed up with their old neighbors.
A friend of mine fell into a coal pit.
Don’t worry, he only suffered miner injuries.
However you feel about hitchhiking...
It gets a Thumbs Up from me!
What would Michael Jackson be called if he was in the X-men?
Wolver-hehene.
I finally got around to watching that Halo show.I think it's called "Master Chief".
It sucks. It's just a bunch of people cooking for an hour.
Starting a bakery
I recently helped play a small roll in starting a local bakery and I’m proud of its success as it’s rapidly rising to be a destination bakery shop. I sent them some flours for their grand opening and told them if they knead me I’ll be there.
My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store.
I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.
Last night.. I went to the Apple Store to get a new iPad for my wife as a surprise. I found the one I thought she would like and told the Apple genius guy helping me that I wanted to get it for my wife…
He responded “We accept only cash or card we do not allow trades”
Mortal Kombat was actually based on a Scandinavian church song.
It was a Finnish Hymn.
What do you call a Tube that went to College?
A graduated cylinder
I just learned the moto of the cannibal Bed&Breakfast industry
"To Serve Man"
Me to my daughter while holding jug of milk and tub of ice cream: Would you like a milkshake?Her: Sure!
Me: *shakes milk jug and hands it to her*
Her: ...
What do you call an angry carrot or celery stalk?
A steamed veggie.
Don’t let Satan catch you with a wig on.
There will be hell, toupee.
I saw a guy carrying a long stick. "Are you a pole vaulter?", I asked.
“No, I'm German. How'd you know my name is Walter?"
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