I don’t usually tell dad jokes in the shower
But when I do, he screams, “GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!”
What's the crappiest punctuation mark?
The colon.
A woman was on trial for bashing her husband over he head with his guitars. “First offender?”asked the judge.
“No,” she relied. First a Gibson, then a Fender.”
My wife asked me to draw a milk bath for her to get rid of bad rash. I wanted to be sure I was getting the right kind, so I asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
She said, “No, just up to my chin. “
I have a terrible phobia of elevators.
I'm taking steps to avoid them.
I went bald about a year ago but I still carry my comb around
I just can’t seem to part with it.
Today my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach.
"That's not gonna work" she said. "It sure does" I said, " It's the only way I can see the numbers"
My first job was unboxing and labeling spices.
It was just a seasonal job.
Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit.
It’s a little fit bunny.
What's the most embarrassing part of a house?
A basement.
I ate a kids meal at McDonalds today.
His Mom was Furious!
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
My wife is on a new diet inspired by squirrels. She says it's a bit out there...
But to me it's just plain nuts.
Just thought of this one, original as far as I know....A mother takes her son to the doctor. She says to the doctor
"I'm a bit worried about my son. He's really, really cold. And he seems to be a bit neuro diverse"
The doctor looks at the boy and says
"Ah, yep. Your son has Iceberger's"
Why do rocks make horrible musicians?
Because they're too stoned.
My wife is threatening to leave me for never putting the toilet seat down
To be honest, I’m getting a little tired of carrying it around.
If your wife wants to role-play, don’t show up dressed like a giant shrimp…
You’ll krill the mood.
[NSFW] What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
My friend never stops talking about how much they love cheese
It really grates on me
The worst thing about being a fish owner is having to clean their feces from the bowl.
Those little Bassturds.
I got in a fight and won by kicking him in his mouth.
He tasted da feet.
What kind of dinosaur lives in Ireland?
Steg O’Saurus
Knock knock, who's there? Amos, Amos who?
A mosquito just bit me.
My car has a huge screen that displays the weather...
Its called, the windshield.
A panda walks into a barA panda walks into a bar...
The bartender asks, "Would you like anything to drink?"
The panda replies, "No thanks, I'm only here to eat."
"So what would you like to eat?"
"I'll just take the fries."
The bartender serves the panda, who enjoys the meal. He asks, "Now, will your payment be cash or card?"
The panda calmly replies, "Oh, just a card."
After paying, the panda gets up and takes out a pistol. He fires a few shots in the direction of a few men, killing some in the process.
The bartender, horrified, shouts, "What the hell was that for? You just killed 4 men!"
The panda says, "I'm a panda, man. Look it up."
The panda then abruptly exits the bar.
The bartender, confused, looks up "Panda" on Google.
The description said:
The giant panda is a bear species endemic to China. It is characterised by its bold black-and-white coat and rotund body. Eats shoots and leaves.
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