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Sunday, November 1, 2026

Humor

Get a Life! / Audio / Headlines

Get a Life!

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Audio

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Headlines

A new Indian restaurant has opened near me called Karma. It doesn't have a menu to order from.
You just get what you deserve!
Had to leave my job at the gym cause I couldn’t even lift 20kgs
I had to submit my too weak notice
What is the most judgemental type of hot tub?
The j'accuzi!
I remember the very first time I laid eyes on my future wife when she was assigned to be my partner in anatomy lab.
She was all like, “Ew, Jesus! Get these things off of me!”
What does a cannibal eat to freshen their breath?
Ligaments
Just a quick reminder that at a Nudist Colony Wedding, there are NO dress rehearsals.
It's unsuitable.
You learn something new everyday.
Except when you are a historian, then you learn something old
The cannibal faces his death sentence. "Any wishes for your last meal?"
"Five guys!"
Did you hear about the new documentary where Chewbacca takes up ceramics?
It's called "Hairy Potter".
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto
William: "Dad, I have a huge crush on my classmate Wei Li, but I have no idea how to win her heart."
Dad: "Son, don't worry. Where there's a Will, there's a Wei."
Chicken meets Math
Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side!

I stole Bob Iger's necktie. Now, when I sport it while visiting Disney, the employees stare at me strangely.
They're all watching me wear the tie of the Iger.
Costco isn’t making toilet paper any longer.
Or shorter.
Someone stole all the weight plates from my gym
Police are still weighing the evidence.
Book sale had a third off all titles
So I bought The Lion, The Witch
What singer do bees love?
Sting.
Why did the Mexican take anti anxiety pills?
For Hispanic attacks
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.
They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and disease! Brutish, incorrect lengths had been forced together, buckling the wood and bulging the steel at points, as if death, itself, were attempting to escape. It was festooned with beast-like emblems and decrepid artifacts: skulls, antlers, skins, totems, and drenched in the color of blood!

It was TRUE! The house really was haunted!

"OOOoooOOOoOOooOoOouuUUUUUuuuuUOOuouOUO"

Now the boys realized with sheer horror that the insane moaning was definitely coming from the coffin!

Before the boys could turn and run, the coffin began to shake! They froze.

Then it suddenly LIFTED off the ground! They gaped in terror!

Shaking violently and rising, the coffin started to turn. It turned and turned, and gained speed. It was spinning in the air before them! A mix of terror and fascination gripped them. Unable to look away. Unable to run. It spun faster and faster AND FASTER!

"OOOoooOOOoOOooOoOouuUUUUUuuuuUOOuouOUOOOOOOOoo"

The first boy with the knife slashed in the air in front of him, as if to stab away at the evil! Then he dropped the knife and ran back up the stairs, never to be seen again.

The second boy with the gun fired warning shots at the ceiling BANG! BANG!, but then thought better of it, dropped his gun and also ran up the stairs, and also was never to be seen again.

The third boy stood there calmly, reached into his pocket and popped a cough drop into his mouth. He sucked on it for a bit.

And the coffin stopped.

The T-1000 changed careers to work in pest control
He's an ex-terminator exterminator.
After a rough day at work, my wife barged into our bedroom and said, "I need to vent!"
Concerned, I said, "Of course, honey."

So I opened the windows.

Why do generational witches avoid using popular dating apps?
Because their ancestors had bad experiences with matches on Tinder.

(I just heard this on another platform. Apologies if told recently.)

Why did the thesaurus cross the road?
To get to the other side, edge, border, and margin!
What do you call a beehive with the entrance hold blocked?
Unbelievable
Why didn't the skeleton laugh when the zombie tickled its funny bone?
He didn't find it very humourous

(First time poster, thought of this while doing a Halloween jigsaw this morning)

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"Arms discourage and keep the invader and plunderer in awe and preserve order in the world as well as property. Horrid mischief would ensue where the law abiding deprived the use of them." - Thomas Paine

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