So sad news, my girlfriend broke up with me for having a small wiener
Its ok.. I was never really that into her
“Have you heard of Murphy’s law?” “Yeah.” “What is it?” “If something can go wrong, it will go wrong.” “That’s right. Have you heard of Cole’s law?” “No, what is it?”
“Thinly sliced cabbage and mayo”
TIL alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there's an increased chance that...
...they will see you later!
I hit someone with my lunch.
It was a club sandwich.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
They use honeycombs.
My doctor told me I have arthritis.
I think it’s just early-onset rigor mortis though.
A Necrophiliac sleeps with dead people. A Necromancer
...buys them dinner, first.
The Pope is handing out miracles to kids in Liverpool.Billy walks on stage and asks him, "Can you help me with my hearing?”
The Pope says, "Yes" and puts his hands on Billy's ears and prays, he removes his hands and says, "How is your hearing now?”
Billy says, "I don't know, it's not until next Wednesday”
What do you call a Frenchman who was attacked by a cat?
Claude.
A Canadian tourist in Australia gets hit by a car.He wakes up in the hospital with a doctor standing over him.
He asks the doctor “Did I come here to die?”
The doctor replies “Nah mate, you came here yesterday.”
Did you hear about the warehouse that was robbed last night?
They took a pallet of paprika and a pallet of oregano. Investigators believe this was the work of seasoned criminals.
Two men were walking through the woods when they came across a huge, dark hole…
Curious, one of them picked up a small rock and tossed it in.
They waited.
No sound.
“That must be a really deep hole,” one said. “Let’s try a bigger rock.”
They found a much larger rock, carried it over, and dropped it in.
They listened.
Still nothing.
Now they were really puzzled.
Nearby, they spotted a heavy railroad tie lying in the brush.
Grunting and groaning, they dragged it to the hole and shoved it in.
Not a sound.
Suddenly…
A goat came flying out of the woods at full speed, ran past them, and leapt straight into the hole!
The two men stood there, stunned.
A moment later, an old farmer wandered out of the woods.
“Say,” one man asked. Have you lost a goat? We just saw one come running out of the woods and jump right into that hole!”
The farmer scratched his head and said, “Nope… that couldn’t have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”
I got a speeding ticket in Washington DC yesterday.
It's a capital offense.
My mom got out of surgery. They were afraid she might have a tumor near her tracheas. Ended up being mucus
I texted her saying “I’m glad it was a nothing booger.” She’s been out of surgery for about 30 minutes.
What do you call a man faking it as a dad?
Impopster.
My infatuation of the Beatles got so bad that I felt compelled to buy every single record that they ever made.
My wife said that I needed Help........I said I've already got that one.
I sprayed some lemon scented Febreeze in the bathroom..
Now it smells like Shitrus.
I didn’t trust the computer navigating my space odyssey
It was prone to too many Hal-lucinations.
Do you know that vampires can raise the dead?
They're neck romancers.
My wife commented that I'm definitely not French the way I wolf down my food. So I asked her then what am I?
Without skipping a beat she said you're clearly Russian
Why did England send only male convicts to Australia?
They wanted to start a penile colony
TIL the V formation of birds flying in the sky is called a "skein", also there is a scientific reason of why one side of the V is longer than the other
There are more birds on that side.
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?
The only thing left was de brie...
Why do cows have hooves, not feet?
Because they lactose.
I paid a clown to deliver flowers to my wife
I thought it would be a romantic jester
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