I dated a tennis player.
But it turned out, that love means nothing to them.
When the wife told me La Paz was a capital city...
... I said "I don’t Bolivia!".
Three moles are in a tunnel.The first says, "I smell sugar."
The second says, "I smell honey."
The third says, "I smell molasses."
A horse walked into a bar and the bartender looked up and said, "Hey!"
The horse said, "Neigh, my good man, I already ate. I'll just have a beer."
I called my daughter to ask how things were going in the big city. She said, “Well, some weirdo on the subway demanded that I give him sodium chloride and a 9-volt. So I guess that’s my first mugging.” I said, “No, sweetie…”
“… that’s a salt and battery.”
The members of Dire Straits bought a zoo, but insisted it couldn't be successful until they showed the staff how to give away all the primates.
Apparently they said "Now that ain't workin', that's the way you do it, monkeys for nothing and your chimps for free".
I just ran into Matt Damon at the thrift store, searching for a new pair of jeans
He was Goodwill hunting
What do you call two dinosaurs involved in a car accident?
T-wrecks!
Pets.I have a pet tree.
It’s a lot like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.
Some people say it's wrong to tell jokes at the summit of Mount Everest.
But I think it's peak humor.
Don’t know if this is a wind up but I just received a text saying I’d won £250 cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night
It says Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show
I'm looking to sell my Delorean.Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
You know why ghosts love taking elevators?
Cause it always lifts their spirits
Why do pancakes always win at baseball?
Because they have the best batter.
How do cows walk?
They put two feet in front of the udders.
Happy Trucker Day!
That’s a 10/4, good buddy
The princess and the frogThe Princess and the frog
The morning after the night before the princess and frog had a conversation. The princess says:"Gosh that was a fun night. Wanna stay in touch. Can i hit you up on social media?"
The frog nods
The princess says:"Great. Facebook?"
The frog shakes his head
The princess says:" X?"
The frog shakes his head
The princess says:" Instagram?"
The frog shakes his head
The princess says a bit agitated:" Messenger? LinkedIn? Snapchat?"
Again, the frog shakes his head.
Now frustrated, the princess asks:"Then, what?"
The frog replies:"R-Reddit.."
A child is being sent to sleep as punishment a lot lately.
He's a bed boy.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A Yamahahahahaha
I was nervous about going for my first visit to the proctologist for a prostate check
But the doctor reassured me, he said they're all done digitally.
What is a short person that enjoys good food called?
a Gastrognome
(5am, in a harsh whisper)Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Why was yesterday a trucker's favorite day?
Cuz it's 10-4 GOOD BUDDY!!!
What do you say to testicles that are breaking the speed limit?
Nuts so fast!
What do you call it when scientists keeps discussing the event horizon of a black hole?
The center of attention.
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