I asked my daughter, "If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?" Rolling her eyes, she said, "I give up. What?"
"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"
Last night, I laid my head on my wife in bed. She said "Why are your ears so cold?"I could feel a pun there but it just didn't appear. I was frozen. I told her as much.
It haunted me all night. In the morning on my hour drive to work, it was in my head. Same on the drive home.
Finally it came to me.
I got home, walked inside, and first thing I said to her was "ear conditioning."
"What?"
"That's why my ears were cold."
The look she gave me as she realized how much time I spent finding that one.
It's an art form, dads. Sometimes you have to work for it. Don't give up.
We just found out my grandfather has an addiction to Viagra
No one is taking it harder than grandma
Terrible jokeSitting here in an airport lounge. Wine is getting low. Waiter comes by and asks if I want my wine topped off. Without hesitation I say “sure, wine not” with emphasis on the wine. My kids would be so embarrassed. Luckily I’m traveling solo.
Can you ever turn it off?
How do you comfort an English teacher?
There, Their, They're
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks…
“Is this stool taken?”
I got caught peeing in the pool today.
The lifeguard shouted so loudly, I almost fell in.
You don't need an Ancestry DNA kit to find out who your relatives are.
Just tell everyone that you've won the lottery.
A deer ran in front of my car. I slammed the brakes and dropped all $20.00 worth of food I had.
At least I saved one buck.
Why is it called the mall?
Because instead of going on just one store you can go to them all
I told the nurse that I was bitten by a wolf.she asked "Where?"
I replied "No. Normal"
I took a job monitoring felines in nepal
My only question is what does a cat man do?
A truck full of Kit Kat has been stolen
There is a Bounty on it.
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?” I replied, “Yes please.” He continued, “No problem sir….
"Today is special!"
Why does the crematorium worker make so much money?
They have a high urning potential.
Where does bad light go?
To prism.
A man brought his best friend home for dinner unannounced at 7:30 PM.His wife started screaming that the house was a mess and she wasn't dressed.
The husband said, "I know—he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo."
why is it risky to use sarcasm, puns, or dad-jokes around kleptomaniacs?
well, they take everything...literally.
Supervillain seeks mad scientist to trigger San Andreas fault and fracture off West coastline.
*Must be willing to relocate San Francisco.
I ask my girlfriend what she wants for dinner
My girlfriend just got back from spending time in Thailand for a few weeks and I asked her what she would like for dinner. She replied "I am leaning towards Thai." I responded with "I thought you would be Thai-red of that food!"
Why did the police officer arrest the duck ?
because it was sellin quack
I made a typo, when I ordered the tombstone for my granddad.
It was a grave mistake.
My ex wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better
Why don't they serve alcohol at a math party?
You can't drink and derive.
Which is heavier?Forgive me if this is a repeat, but my dad just told me this joke so I think it qualifies for this sub. Which is heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
the water, because butane is a lighter fluid.
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