I bought a world map,took it home,gave my wife a dart and said
''Where you land the dart,I'm taking you on holiday.''Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge
We combined the DNA of a Cheetah with the DNA of a Crab...
... Things went sideways really fast!
1-year-old daughter got meMy daughter is 15 months and only knows a few words: car, milk, more, wow, yes, no... And that's about it.
She was babbling at me excitedly and I was pretending to agree. Lots of "oh yeah?" and "I agree!". Anyway, at one point I said "Wow! Tell me more!"
She immediately stopped babbling and just said "More".
My wife and I were in tears. She got me good
One Sunday the pastor took a tangent from his sermon, asking the 3 men in the row right up front what they would like to hear their loved ones say, as they gazed down upon his open coffin.Bill: "That I was good husband and father."
John: "That I lived a life of kindness to others."
Dan: "Hey, look! He's moving!"
I never let my kids ride the elevators.
It's because they were my step children.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
A pregnant woman expecting twins fell into a coma. While she was unconscious, she gave birth. When she finally woke up, the doctors told her that everything went fine and her brother had named the babies.She panicked and said, “Oh no… my brother is an idiot. What did he name them?”
The doctor said, “Well, for the girl, he chose Denise.”
She sighed in relief. “Okay… that’s actually not bad. What about the boy?”
The doctor replied:
“…Denephew.”
What do you get when you add another side to a triangle?
A wrecked-angle!
Why do so many open relationship couples seek Caucasians?
Poly want a cracker 🦜
A couple of scientists are stood in front of a cloning machine…
One says ‘I have no idea how this works’ the other replies ‘that makes 2 of us’
How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb?
Toucan do it.
Jail is one word
But for prisoners, it's a whole sentence
Please be patient while I figure out who stole your telescope.
I’m looking into it.
What do you call an alligator that is wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Breaking News: today a man was shot with a starting pistol then severely beaten with a relay baton;
Investigators believe that it was a race related attack
Did you hear about the old 50's sitcom that featured a telepath, a pyrotelekinetec, and a clairsentient?It's called My Three Psions.
(and if you're old enough to get that...)
Sure geology rocks…
… but geography is where it’s at!
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
My son saw me slumped over our lawn mower, bawling my eyes out...
He screamed, "Dad! What's wrong!? Are you ok?!" I said, "Don't worry son, I'll be fine. I was just going through a rough patch..."
Been to 12 european countries and got in bar fights in many
But in india i had no beef with anyone
How does a train eat?
It goes chew, chew!
Loud ammunition is better for hunting deer
That way you get more bang for your buck
I used to sell Prayer mats as trampolines
Prophets are going through the roof
Told my wife I saw a wolf on the way in to work today
She asked where, I said no, it was just the regular kind
How do you turn a duck into a Motown singer?
Pop it into the microwave until it's Bill Withers.
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