What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
"If we don't get the right support, people will think we're nuts."
Customer: “I asked for medium rare! This is well done!”
Chef: “Thank you.”
I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office“Can I help you?” He asked.
“I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied.
“You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”
“Yeah, I know.”
He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”
“The light was on.”
I submitted 10 puns in a contest to see if any would win.
But sadly, no pun in ten did.
An elderly man accidentally rear-ended a brand-new sports car.
The young driver jumped out, furious.
"LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY CAR! You owe me $10,000 right now, or I'm going to beat you half to death!"
The old man looked shaken.
"Oh my goodness," he said. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son - he trains dolphins. He'll know what to do."
"DOLPHINS?" the guy scoffed, rolling his eyes.
The old man dialed his phone. Before he could say a word, the angry driver grabbed it.
"So you're a dolphin trainer, huh?" he barked into the phone. "Well your old man just wrecked my car. I need ten grand RIGHT NOW - or I'm going to beat BOTH of you to a pulp!"
A calm voice replied, "I'll be there in ten minutes."
Exactly ten minutes later.
...a Jeep screeched to a stop.
A man stepped out, walked straight up to the bully, and absolutely flattened him, leaving him groaning on the pavement.
Then the man turned to his father and said,
"Dad. for the LAST time. I train seals. Navy seals. Not dolphins."
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on its pecks
My brother’s weddingI was the best man at my brother’s wedding in Paris. At the reception, I raised my champagne glass and said, “Eggs, cinnamon, bread, and maple syrup…”
It was a French toast.
Frogs - A frog went for a DNA test. The results came back 99.9% amphibian and a tad Polish.
- What does the antisocial, know-it-all frog say? Reddit, Reddit, Reddit.
- Did you hear about the new frog movie? I hear it's ribbiting.
- Why are frogs so happy? Because they eat whatever bugs them.
- Where do frogs go when they get really ill? The hopital.
submitted by
/u/KPbICMAH [link] [comments] My wife said I should stop buying tools I barely use
I told her I use them emotionally.
Don't talk into a colander...
You'll strain your voice.
What size hard drive does a dinosaur buy?
A ptera byte
A Buddhist monk walks in a bar and the bartender told him to leave and he responded;
Namaste
What are pilots favourite biscuits?
The plain ones.
Seen a the little league gameThe coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players over and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is?
What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the boy.
"Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?"
The boy nodded in yes.
The coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head or spit at him. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the boy nodded yes.
And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb ass or throw things at him, is it?"
"No, coach.”
Good," said the coach, "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandma!”
Eight senior ladies and Bruce Wayne are waiting at a bus stopNana , Nana
Nana , Nana
Nana , Nana
Nana , Nana
BATMAN !
Why does the police officer go into the heart clinic?
To make a cardiac arrest.
"Son, did you know that if Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened?! Because..."
"Noble gases should have no reaction!"
Does anyone here watch that new show about mountain climbing?
The last episode ended with a cliff hanger.
Elvis.Did you hear about the bus full of Elvis impersonators that crashed on the way to Las Vegas?
Nobody was hurt, but they were all shook up.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal...
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
Why do people like board games?
Shouldn’t games be fun and interesting?
Why did rubber leave their job at the automobile factory?
It made them tyred.
Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint
Terrorist: "Say your last words!"
Dad: "Your last words!"
Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"
Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"
Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"
Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."
Terrorist: "What's a 'henway?
Dad: "About a pound and a half."
Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!"
Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"
How do therapists call clients with an anxiety disorder?
Patients or impatients?
What do you get when you cross a dog with an ant-eater?
An aardbark.
top
