What do you call the belly of a woman who’s pregnant with twins?
A two bed womb apartment.
The guy who invented the Ferris wheel never met the guy who invented the merry-go-round.
They traveled in different circles.
An older gentleman was being tailgated by a stressed-out lady on a busy street.Suddenly, the light turned yellow just ahead of him, and he did the right thing; he stopped at the crosswalk to allow the waiting pedestrians cross. 🚦
The lady behind him lost it. She battered the horn, yelling and gesturing wildly because she missed her chance to make the light.
In the middle of her rant, there was a tap on her window. She looked up to see a police officer. 👮♂️
She was taken to the police station and placed in a holding cell.
A couple of hours later, the officer opened the door and said,
“I’m very sorry for the mistake, ma’am, let me explain. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and shouting cuss words I, even as a police officer, have never heard before.
Then I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday School’ sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish on the trunk. 🐟✝️
Naturally… I assumed the car was stolen.”
2 Blondes are building a house...1st Blonde... Takes a nail out of her pouch, looks it over, then hammers it into the wall... takes another nail out, checks it over, and throws it away.. she does this for every other nail for a while until the 2nd Blond notices...
2nd Blonde: "Why are you throwing away every other nail???"
1st Blonde: "Because the point is on the wrong side!"
2nd Blonde: "No Dummy! It's Blondes like you that give the rest of us bad names!!!"
"Those nails are for the other side of the wall!"
I was talking to my friend the other day and he told me he doesn’t understand cloning
I said that makes two of us.
Sundays are always a little sad,
but the day before it is a sadder day
When we were cleaning up a project in the garage, I told my son to put the lids back on the baking soda, borax, and bleach. He asked, “Why?”
I said, “I just want to make sure all our bases are covered.”
How many optometrists does it talk to change a lightbulb?Is it one… or two?
One, or two?
What do you do with dead chemists?
Barium.
I was going to tell a joke about a woman who only eats plants
But you guys have probably never heard of herbivore.
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn't like me critter sizing
What’s the worst vegetable to bring on a boat?
A leek
What did the cook say when they were out of ingredients and had to rush?
I don’t have thyme for this!
Why did the bee need glasses?He had aSTINGmatism.
My 6y/o boy that just got glasses dropped this bomb on me.
My dad asked me how my new job of teaching a creative writing class to prisoners at the local jail was going. I said…
It has its prose and cons
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato
What do you call two monkey sharing an Amazon account?
Prime mates
I've been thinking about taking up meditation.
I figure it's better than sitting around doing nothing.
All this talk about misogyny...
how come no one ever talks about massage an elbow?
What happens when you insult a dock?
You dis a pier.
Which celebrity travels at constant speed ?
Tom Cruise
What has five toes but isn't your foot?
My foot.
What did one Egyptian say to the other when they farted at the same time?
Looks like we’ve got a Tutankhamen.
I had to congratulate my shoe-maker friend who has only sold extra-large sizes this year.
That's no small feat.
My wife asked if I’d seen the dog bowl.
I said, “I didn’t know he could.”
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