Sadly my obese parrot just died.
But it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
What vegetable to sailors hate the most?
Leeks
My wife was blaming me for ruining her birthday
that's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was her birthday.
I just found out that you don't need training to be a garbage man.You just pick it up as you go along.
yeah
Me: "Hands down, the marathon is the most difficult run for me"
My Dad: "Well, maybe you should use your feet instead of your hands"
What did Spartacus say to cannibal who ate his wife?
>! Nothing, he's gladiator :’) !<
Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter?
Pretty nuts!
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
My parents opened a restaurant, but they didn't get many customers.
I thought Sam and Ella's was a pretty catchy name myself.
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night
She almost poked my eye out!
Did you hear the joke about the monkey?
It was a howler!
What do you call an incredibly fast drug dealer?
Insta-gram!
I heard they made the world’s strongest suction cup.
I’m not quite sure how they pulled it off.
My English teacher was incarcerated for 10 years for having sex with me in high school. So I decided to ask her to marry me when she got out. But it didn't work. Apparently,
You can't end a sentence with a proposition.
To my manager who forced me to inhale my bowl of noodles at lunch today and get back to work:
You, too, may pho cough.
My girlfriend is from korea, things are getting pretty seriousI think she’s my seoulmate
I MADE THIS ONE UP ON THE SPOT
What has five toes and isn't your foot?
My foot.
How is my wallet like an onion?
Every time I open it, I cry.
What were the Grapes called after losing the war with the Cranberries?
Conquered Grapes!
What did they call the Terminator once he retired
the Exterminator.
I’m so embarrassed. I was working at the eyeglass factory and got caught in the lens grinder…
… I really made a spectacle of myself.
People hate on dad jokes for no reason! I dont think they're that bad and here's why
Y
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I’m allergic to flowers, achoo!
Why do people hate molluscs?
Because they're so shellfish.
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