I wrote a book about the Black Death and sent it to a publisher, but they rejected it…
They accused me of Plaguerism.
Scissors in the freezer
This happened a few years ago. My wife had cut up some multi-packs of chicken from Costco before putting them in the deep freezer and accidentally left the scissors in the basket inside the top of the freezer. A few hours later my then 16yo son goes to grab something out of said freezer, and yells out "Why would anyone put a pair of scissors in the freezer?! Who did it? Why!?!?" I yelled back "I don't know but, they OBVIOUSLY wanted some cold cuts"
Did you hear about the scientist who tried to cross a cheetah's DNA with a crab's?
Things went sideways real fast.
A street magician once told me to 'pick a card any card'
I took his American Express
Not a joke… I want to thank whoever posted the joke about having “peekaboo virus” last week…My daughter is a nurse in the UK National Health Service and I sent it to her on WhatsApp:
Hi darling, I don’t want to worry you but I’ve been diagnosed with peekaboo syndrome.
.
.
.
They’re taking me to the ICU.
She replied with the eye rolling emoji and I said I’d really enjoyed it. She replied:
“I liked it but I'm mad about it because it caught me out. Because I naturally worry about your health.”
This is peak dad jokes to me.
I tripped on a box of Kleenex and hurt my leg.
I went to the doctor and he said you have some minor tissue damage...
Dad Joke caught in the wild, irlThe brand name of my bone broth:
- College Inn
Give those folks an award.
Hills really don't want to become mountains
They're not so inclined
Why isn’t holy water found in vaccines?
Can’t take the Lord’s name in vein.
Books that were never written:
“Running to the Outhouse” by Willy Makit
Illustrated by Betty Wont
What does a train do with gum?
Chew-chew.
What is a vampires favourite soup?
Ghoul-ash
What do you call an alligator that solves mysteries?
An investiGator.
Clark Kent and a cannibal walk into a restaurant
The waiter says, "Soup or man?"
What do you call a veterinarian who specializes in treating marsupial inflammation?
A kanga-rheumatologist
Funny fact
Back in the day when they only had hot air balloons for travelling, if you had a pregnant wife who needed to get rushed to the hospital, this was a good way to get airborn.
Just finished reading a biography of the Dalai LamaApparently, he rarely wears shoes, so the soles of his feet have grown incredibly thick from walking everywhere barefoot.
And he often fasts, leaving his body in a perpetually weakened state. When he does eat, it's only rancid meat and spoiled vegetables to show his humility, which gives him terrible breath.
In summary, he's a super callused, fragile mystic with extra halitosis.
Personally I like geothermal energy a lot
It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside
Did you know the eye is the last thing to shut down when a person passes?
Because it dilates…
I tried to tell jokes on Zoom during a work meeting
Apparently, I wasn't even remotely funny.
Did you know that the Princess Bride never had kids?
Inconceivable
what band jokes a lot?
puns 'n roses
Now that I'm getting older, I appreciate spice gifts to extend my life.
There's no present like the thyme.
Did you hear about the pregnant door?
It got knocked up.
What do you call it when a person dies and comes back as a cowboy?
Reintarnation
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