A swimmer was asked what her favourite stroke was…
She replied “The one that killed Margaret Thatcher”.
I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds
Poor guy
I was walking down the street this morning when I was suddenly hit by a violin, a clarinet, and a french horn…
…I think it was an orchestrated attack!
My son came up to me crying."I'm getting bullied at school, dad. The children think I'm arrogant."
"Are they in your class?" I asked.
He said, "No, I'm much better obviously."
Dogs can bark up to 500 times a day…
…that’s just a RUFF estimate.
I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing
Except at a funeral
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies
She is not “fun to be around.”
My balloon elephant wouldn’t fit in the backseat of my car…
…so I had to pop it in the trunk. 🤣
I accidentally confused the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza”…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?…
…your pupils. They dilate! 🤣
If Americans smile....
Do Europeans skilometer?
Now that the US and Canada have been eliminated from the World Cup, I feel like there’s no reason for people who aren’t fans of soccer in those countries to continue to follow the tournamentBut then I remember that Switzerland is still in it.
That’s a big plus
I have this incredible ability to predict what’s inside a wrapped present…
…it’s a gift! 😝
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looks surprised
On a date with a cannibal, I mentioned to her that I came from a blended family.
She lit up and said, “Ooh… I love smoothies!”
What do they do when you Excel?
They spreadsheet about you
What is a highlighter's favorite Twister position?
Knee on yellow.
Just when you think you've heard all the wordplay jokes already, I present you with this one:
1
What is a computer student’s favourite drink?
ICT.
Tried making a volcano-themed cake.
It was a recipe for disaster.
If A is for apricot, B is for blueberry, what is C for?
It’s an explosive.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillow cases?…
…they are making a lot of headlines! 🤣
Applied so hard. And got so far.But in the end,
I wasn't even hired.
- LinkedIn Park
What is it called when a widower gets aroused thinking of their late spouse?
Mourning wood
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the Mothership
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