I told my friend it looked like she’d been gardening topless recently. She said, “Wow… what gave it away?”
I said, “It’s pretty obvious you got breast in plants.”
My Bluetooth speaker wasn’t working, so I threw it into the lake.
Now its syncing
I asked a supermarket worker where they kept the tinned peaches.He said, "I'll see," and walked away.
I asked another and he also said, "I'll see," and walked away.
In the end I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.
One vintage joke about a very old manThree Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
What do you call a psychic who only sees good futures?
An optimystic.
I write a lot of my jokes on my iphone...
but it's always fucking up the lunch line.
My wife is furious with me. She realized I was cheating when she found the letter that I had hidden.
We’re never playing Scrabble again.
My 12 year old son didn't want to tell me a joke about a German hot dog.He said it was the wurst.
Proud tears of joy ran down my face.
During dinner, I asked my date from a small town in Alabama if she’d ever watched anime.
Her face lit up. “Oh yeah! I used to babysit her all the time!”
I thought it would lighten the mood to tell dad jokes at the funeral.
But apparently he can’t hear me anymore.
I have two cousins who want to date me.
I guess that makes me relatively attractive.
I saw a math teacher with graph paper.
I think she was plotting something.
My phone can identify a tree just by seeing the secretions from its bark.
I use What Sap.
I used to be afraid of hurdles.
But I got over it.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is at a sushi restaurant staring at his plate. Frustrated, he waves over a waiter.
Waiter “Is there something wrong with your order sir?”
Arnold “It’s not a tuna!”
Why didn't the turkey eat dessert?
He was already stuffed.
It is weird to see signs that say "In case of fire, don't use elevator".
Everyone knows water is better to put on fires than an elevator.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning
My mother-in-law has been staring through the window ever since it started to snow …
If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
Why did Jensen Huang cheat on his wife?
He’s a pretty SLI guy.
I met a Polish sound engineer..
..and a Czech one too
An atom walks into a barBartender: hey atom, you don’t look very happy today.
Atom: I lost an electron
Bartender: are you sure?
Atom: I am positive!
How to lions get fast food?
From deer-dash obviously !
At dinner, my date told me that she was more of a dog person.
Which later explained the leg humping.
Did you hear about the woodwind player who got sick?He caught the flu-te!
I hope he feels better ba-soon.
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