My wife and I were desperately trying to figure out dinner when she sighed, “It’s impossible to make ends meet in this economy. Groceries cost a fortune, and we can barely keep food in the house anymore.” I dug around the freezer and found nothing but an old bag of herbs from our garden.
As she started to tear up, I put my hand on her shoulder, held out the bag, and said, “Babe… these are hard thymes.”
Bono and Edge walk into the bar and the barman says,
"Oh No, not U2 again.
Do you know why there are pop tarts but not mom tarts?
It's because of the pastryarchy.
Got pulled over by the policeI was late for work and I got pulled over for speeding
the cop asks if I've got a police record
"yeah I've got Walking on the Moon!?"
I told my girlfriend I spent $100 on a new belt
She said that’s a big waist
Fight with my wifeMy wife asked me, “Did you eat the last piece of cake in the refrigerator?” I said, “No, I ate it in the living room.”
And, that’s how the fight started
I can cut wood just by looking at it!
Maybe hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes!
My grandpa beat my grandma to death...
Sorry, meant to say my grandpa passed before my grandma
I was down on my luck until I got a jetpack
And that’s when my life took off
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office……I will find you.
You have my Word, and I Excel at tracking down thieves.
Police Officer: "Why are you driving around with a book in your hands?"
Driver: "It's a long story..."
I got hit by a bag of cash.
Luckily, my injuries were only Superfiscal.
Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?
Because he had a reptile dysfunction
What do you get when you combine classical music with science fiction?
Bach to the Future!
I want a gun that shoots out wooden benches, instead of bullets.
I'd walk into a church with no seating and be like: pew pew pew. pew pew. pew pew pew
I was thinking of starting a snail farm
But i'm afraid it's kind of a slow market
Every Halloween I like to tell my kids...
I guess October is Octover.
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
All of the sailors were marooned.
I love all the Indian recipes my wife makes
Butter Chicken
My wife asked for help as her car was broken down as the engine was flooded. I said where is the car now?
She said, it's in the Lake.
I think I might be allergic to the new espresso machine.
Every time I use it, it makes me a little coughy.
Why doesn't Bart go out for drinks with the boys?
He's afraid of the bart-ender
I told my friend it looked like she’d been gardening topless recently. She said, “Wow… what gave it away?”
I said, “It’s pretty obvious you got breast in plants.”
What do Ancient Egypt and steam engine trains have in common?
They have a toot-in-common.
Man walks into a bar
He should really be more careful next time
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