They say if you play heavy metal backwards you get satanic messages. What do you get playing country music backwards?
Your job back, your wife back, your truck back, your house back
Elvis Costello and ABBA are touring together this summer but they figured out who the headliner will be..
So, watch for ABBA and Costello to find out who's on first.
Donald Trump is rooting for the Spurs at the NBA Finals
They're what kept him out of Vietnam.
A blonde and her husband are watching the news...News Flash: A Brazilian died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?
So this happened at dinner last night and I could not resist.We were having pasta and my youngest asked what I would do with a million dollars. I said I would probably build a car out of spaghetti. My wife rolled her eyes immediately, like she already knew where this was going. She has been married to me long enough to sense danger.
I let the silence sit there for a good thirty seconds. Really let it breathe. Timing is everything with a good dad joke. Then I casually mentioned that she should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
My son groaned so loud the dog got startled. My wife put her fork down and just stared at me with that look. You all know the look. The one that says I love you but I cannot believe I chose this life.
Honestly that reaction is the whole reward. The groan, the stare, the slow head shake. That is the standing ovation of the dad joke world.
Curious what delivery trick gets the best reaction in your house. Do you go fast and catch them off guard, or do you slow burn it like I did here? Always looking to sharpen the craft. Dad jokes are a serious art form and I will not hear otherwise.
Ernie and Bert from Sesame StreetBert” Hey Ernie do want to go get some ice cream or something?”
Ernie “Sherbert”
A penguin waddled into a party. He looked around the room and realized there were no beverages. He said,“This is the worst party I’ve ever been to.”
(There’s no punch line)
You know what always catches my eye?
Short people with umbrellas.
There's a new sandwich shop that just opened that only serves vegetarian sub sandwiches
It's called "Never Meat Your Heroes"
Humility is among one of my strongest traits
It's right up there along with my intelligence, athleticism, wealth, and education.
My son's soccer team is named the Numerators.
They're at the top of the division.
What is the opposite of a pharmacy?
A nearmacy.
What do you call fairy tales told really, really quickly?
ASAP's fables.
Kermit the Frog walked into a bank to borrow some money to make his next movieThe loan officer introduced himself as John Pattywhack, then told Kermit he’d need to offer something as collateral
“Take this,” Kermit said, and handed the loan officer an unfamiliar object
The loan officer looked at him and said, “I’m gonna need to talk with my manager”
The loan officer showed the object to his manager
“Kermit offered this as collateral but I have no idea what it is”
The manager rolled his eyes and said, “it’s a knickknack, Pattywhack. Give the frog a loan.”
My wife and I were kissing on the sofa when she was like “Let’s take this upstairs.” I said “Okay.”
“You grab one end and I’ll grab the other.”
Alcohol consumption is set to rise by 350% in England during the World Cup.
Until the group stages are over.
Are people born with a photographic memory?
Or does it take time to develop?
Somebody told me that his hippo was trained to use the toilet.
But I think it's just a hippo potty myth
The mods told me to stop making bird jokes
I've been going for the cheep laughs.
What type of pasta is most likely to cheat to win a musical theater award?
Rigatoni
I just saw this sign, and it made me shit myself.
It's said "Bathroom Closed"
I got a job teaching poetry to prison inmates.
It has its prose and cons.
What kind of pants does a ghost hunter wear
Just a paranormal jeans
Two drunks are about to get in a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and says, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face!”
That was the punchline.
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