Do you know what’s great about orcas?
They do a killer whale impression
I turned down a job offer today after being told the 401(k) contributions were mandatory…
I told the hiring manager I just couldn’t run that far!
Did you hear about the two blind men who went to a seafood restaurant
It didn’t change anything
Why don't Astronaunts listen to gangster rap?Because there's zero gees in space.
(Made it up a few years back).
I used to be afraid of speed bumps
I slowly got over it though.
Paddy says to Mick, "I found this pen, is it yours?"Mick replies, "I don't know, give it here." He tries it and says, "Yes it is."
Paddy asks, "How do you know?"
Mick replies, "That's my handwriting."
Why does Winnie the Pooh carry an EpiPen?
because he is always breaking into hives.
Everyone knows who Eminem is.
You don't have to be a smartie or a nerd to do that.
I'm in a dispute with my local council. They tell me that children's playground equipment can't be used as rental property.
I can't let that slide.
I had a neighbour who was a hairdresser, but he doesn’t cut hair any longer
He cuts it shorter
What do you call a woman who sets fire to her electric bill?
Bernadette
Why didn’t Elsa go to the doctor when she was sick?
The cold never bothered her anyway.
Why did the cow want a divorce from the bull?
She didn’t feel herd in the relationship
A man is wanted for stealing wheels off of police cars.
Officers are working tirelessly to catch him.
What kind of jeans does a ghost hunter wear ?
Just a paranormal jean
Did you hear about the guy who cut off the left side of his body?
He's all right now.
A busker is playing ABBA really loudly in the town centre.
You can hear the drums from Nandos.
I tried chicken farming once, but i was a complete failure...
Not sure if I buried them too deep, or too far apart.
What do you get when 2 giraffes collide
a giraffic jam
I went to the store to buy some camouflage clothing
couldn’t find any
What do you call a Mexican man that has lost all his protein powder?
No whey José
Why are they called fortune tellers?
They keep telling me I’ll be poor
How does a duck cross a busy road?
Very quackly.
With a disappointed tone, my son said to me, “I don’t think I can learn to play Street Fighter as well as you.”
I replied, “Shoryuken.”
Why is the gingerbread man the head of the gingerbread house?
The pastryarchy
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