My son called home and I asked how things were going. He said, “Please don’t be upset, but they’re making me take another drug test.”
Four years of pharmacy school. Four years of the same damn joke.
What is the difference between panties and female reproductive organs?One is undies the other is ovaries.
Sorry. I'm drunk. Edited because someone reminded me of what I thought of before I drunkenly posted this.
Genie.
A genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy." Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.
Today I saved a man drowning in the river…
I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore
Which country has the fastest growing capital?
Ireland. Cause it's Dublin every day.
I tried to sign up for fight club but made a typo, and that's how I became an aviator.
As a rule, I don't talk about it.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the bridge ...
Tequila
I haven't spoken to my wife in 3 years...
I didn't want to interrupt her.
What are you if you have custard and jelly in one ear and cake and cream in the other ?
A trifle deaf
Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
To take up more time playing that harmonica
I told you on our first date...A man who could drink no milk without getting sick thought he had finally met the perfect mate. She was smart, beautiful, funny and accepted his dairy limitations without pause. There was only one thing, she refused to take her shoes off in front of him. But he accepted that, and soon they were married.
Finally, on their wedding night she came to bed, completely naked, wearing not even a pair of socks. It was then the truth came out, she had been born with two club feet.
The man took one look, and asked for an immediate annulment. His new wife was shocked and begged him to reconsider. But, the man was adamant. "What did I tell you on our very first date," he asked? "I am completely lack toes intolerant"!
The police is investigating an abandoned car with an incomplete set of golf clubs inside.
They're still looking for the driver.
What do you call a woman who practices sorcery in the desert?
A sand witch.
I knew a guy who got engaged five different times ...
that's a lot of near-Mrs.
Jesus said: “Come forth and receive eternal life”
But John came fifth and won a toaster
What kind of car does Dracula drive?
An Impala....
I said to the doctor, Ive got a problem with my earHe said are you sure?
Yes I’m definite
Its been three weeks since Dolly died
I am still suffering from post-Parton depression though
AI and Robots will never self replicate.People are so worried about AI and robots and how they may some day become self replicating, but they won't.
Why?
Well, they only have motherboards and no fatherboards.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake walk into a bar
Ba Dum Tss
How do you kill a dad with one letter
Give him an E
Jesus: "No God, I am not your son."
God: "Yeshua".
After cocaine was removed from Coca-Cola, where did the dope go?
Doctor Pepper
I was at the airport and saw Jeff Goldblum frantically arguing with a TSA agent
I found out later he was on the no-fly list
What's the difference between a composer and a pigeon?
During a performance when a composer plays, the sound bounces around. When a pigeon makes a noise a coo sticks.
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