Fight with my wifeMy wife asked me, “Did you eat the last piece of cake in the refrigerator?” I said, “No, I ate it in the living room.”
And, that’s how the fight started
Got pulled over by the policeI was late for work and I got pulled over for speeding
the cop asks if I've got a police record
"yeah I've got Walking on the Moon!?"
Do you know why there are pop tarts but not mom tarts?
It's because of the pastryarchy.
I can cut wood just by looking at it!
Maybe hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes!
Police Officer: "Why are you driving around with a book in your hands?"
Driver: "It's a long story..."
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office……I will find you.
You have my Word, and I Excel at tracking down thieves.
I told my girlfriend I spent $100 on a new belt
She said that’s a big waist
Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?
Because he had a reptile dysfunction
I want a gun that shoots out wooden benches, instead of bullets.
I'd walk into a church with no seating and be like: pew pew pew. pew pew. pew pew pew
My wife asked for help as her car was broken down as the engine was flooded. I said where is the car now?
She said, it's in the Lake.
I love all the Indian recipes my wife makes
Butter Chicken
I think I might be allergic to the new espresso machine.
Every time I use it, it makes me a little coughy.
I told my friend it looked like she’d been gardening topless recently. She said, “Wow… what gave it away?”
I said, “It’s pretty obvious you got breast in plants.”
I got hit by a bag of cash.
Luckily, my injuries were only Superfiscal.
Why doesn't Bart go out for drinks with the boys?
He's afraid of the bart-ender
I was thinking of starting a snail farm
But i'm afraid it's kind of a slow market
I’m really having a rough time breaking my addiction to old sitcoms.
I’ve decided to just take it One Day At A Time.
My wife Lee asked me if I was having trouble hearing in my left ear.
Yes I'm definitely
What’s your best dog related dadjoke?It can be other pet or animal related jokes too.
My neighbor named his dog 5 miles so he can say he walks 5 miles everyday.
Well today, I accidentally drove over 5 miles…
What are your others?
An atom walks into a barBartender: hey atom, you don’t look very happy today.
Atom: I lost an electron
Bartender: are you sure?
Atom: I am positive!
Rabbits are very good at mathematics.
They multiply faster than anyone else.
One vintage joke about a very old manThree Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
During dinner, I asked my date from a small town in Alabama if she’d ever watched anime.
Her face lit up. “Oh yeah! I used to babysit her all the time!”
I thought it would lighten the mood to tell dad jokes at the funeral.
But apparently he can’t hear me anymore.
the antiproton asks the antielectron:
"what's the antimatter with you?"
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