Walking home last night, I passed a slice of apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I said to myself, "The streets seem strangely desserted".
I'm not saying that cosmetic surgery cured my depression
But it definitely put a smile on my face.
My daughter finally started looking for a job. I told her there's an entry level job that people are dying to get into and you start with 3000 people beneath you.
Working at the graveyard isn't for everyone though!
What brand of underwear do scientists wear?
Kelvin Klein.
What do you call a book club that’s been stuck on one book for years?
church
What do you call someone who buys budget-friendly beef?
A cheapsteak!
What do you call a woman who sets fire to her credit card bills?
Bernadette
I cross-bred cauliflower with watermelon
and now I have an overwhelming sense of meloncauli
I called my friend yesterday night at 10:30pm on phone, he said he was very busy, working on a special Project "Aqua Thermal treatment of Ceramics, Aluminium and Steel under a constrained environment".I was impressed.
Later I realized - he is washing dishes...under the supervision of his wife.
My half brother and I
are not allowed to play with chainsaws anymore.
A hungry traveller stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchens where a brother is frying chips. "Are you the friar?" he asked.
The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."
My wife asked if I would ever cheat on her.I told her "Of course not." That was the right answer. Following it up with "I'd do it on a bed of course." Was the wrong answer.
This couch is comfy though, maybe she should get an amendment...
Why is it bad to iron a 4 leaf clover
You should never press your luck
Doctor doctor, I've broken my arm in three places
Doctor : Then don't go to those places
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
I went to a dumpling restaurant the other day, but all the lights were really bright so I said to the waiter
dim sum
Why couldn't detectives find the person who killed a Green Bay Packers fan?
Because it was a "he said, cheesehead"
I had amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
I have a joke about election campaign promises...
but most people wont get them.
I joined a pun contest and submitted five jokes then five more hoping at least one would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I accidentally glued myself to my autobiographt
Anyways, that is my story and i am sticking to it
I suspected that the killer was a tailor
It seams that I was correct
A man has an egg for a carIt wouldn’t start one cold morning, so he called roadside assistance.
They said “Have you tried pulling the yolk out?”
He did, and it started. He told them “It’s all white now”
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside…
So I decided to call a toe-truck.
I dated this stunning girl once. She was a communist, originally from from China, but I met her while working in Switzerland. We lived in Dennark first then moved to Turkey and went on holiday in Canada. Then she cheated on me. I was devastated, but I really should have known better
There had been a lot of red flags
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