I recently got arrested for stealing a whole volume of encyclopaedias.
I turned to the officer and said, “Look, I can explain everything.”
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
I told my wife that I've swapped our bed for a trampoline.
She hit the roof!
I told my partner i was testing her by asking if she’s a wife or a mother first“A mother first”
“Wrong, you married me a year before our first kid.”
Got a big groan on that one
Kid: Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Dad: Yes, we arson
Whats black and white and red all over?
The shopping list after my wife asked me to put ketchup on it.
I heard they have great peaches in Georgia.
So I went to a supermarket in Georgia and asked an employee where I can find the peaches. He said, "I'll see," and walked away. I asked another employee and she also said, "I'll see," and walked away. In the end, I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.
I invented a diy human cloning machine that runs on a regular 110v outlet.
Make yourself at home.
There's a new book just been published about poltergeists that's becoming very popular
It's flying off the shelves.
Did you hear about that restaurant that puts toilet paper on the tables and bread in the bathroom?
It’s a complete roll reversal.
This just happened in real life, and I got MANY chuckles.At Costco with the wife and kid. Kid sees a sample booth and asks what they’re offering...
Me: “it’s a hot dog!”
Wife: “it’s a European wiener”
Me: “you’re a peeing weiner”
I turn to the man offering the sample and say “get it?!?”
Nothing
Wife loses it, people next to me lose it, kid loses it and won’t stop repeating it. Good times had by all, ‘cept maybe for the sample guy.
If someone is playing chess for the first time
Does that make them a Rook?
To the guy who invented zero,
Thanks for nothing.
I don't really understand mathematical notation
It's all greek to me
What do you need to grow fungi?
As mushroom as possible.
What are a chocolate bar's pronouns?
Her/she
What’s a monkey playing with fireworks?
A baboom! 💥💥🧨
I've just had a stack of toilet paper rolls fall on me in the supermarket.
I'm okay, though, just soft tissue damage.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
El if I know
You can't grow plants...
If you haven't botany.
Did you hear about the Vietnamese bloke whose surname was "Smith"?
He was in a no-Nguyen situation
Fam is going to the zoo today
What are your best zoo/zoo related jokes?
Recently I was in the mood for some Swedish pop music
But then I lost my ABBAtite
Just when you thought that vegetables don’t have phones
Onion rings
What did the last surviving foot say after the end of the world?
I Am Leg-End
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