My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you're only sick on weekdays.” I nodded and explained...
“It must be my weekend immune system.”
Got a warning from the HOA that my dog barks 80 to 100 times a day.
But that’s just a ruff estimate.
How did you quit smoking
I decided to smoke only after sex
I’m done being a people pleaser.
I hope everyone okay with that.
My wife said I'm the cheapest man in the world...
I'm not buying it!
I caught some vegans in my basement.
I mean, I think they're vegan. All day long, they keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'
I was staying at this hotel in Madrid and I got sickI called the reception to say I was sick and they said that they had a doctor on staff that could help me.
The doctor came up to my room and gave me a few pills.
‘I’m surprised that the place had a doctor on staff,’ I said.
‘Yeah. Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician.’
Why do people in here get tired of seeing reposted jokes?
Just because you've reddit doesn't mean everyone else has!
I showed my friend a photo of myself at an R.E.M. concert.
I said, “That’s me in the corner.”
Which is the dorkiest state?
Mississippi - it's got four i's
To everyone who said I'd never become a journalist:
I've got news for you.
Some fetuses have a skill that allows them to go through an entire pregnancy undetected
They learn it in the secret cervix
A beautiful poodleThree handsome male dogs were walking down the street when they saw a beautiful, enticing female poodle.
They fell all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but ended up arriving in front of her all at the same time.
The males were speechless before her beauty, hoping for just a glance from her
in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decided to be kind and told them,
“The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab spoke up quickly and said, “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”
“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurted the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turned to the last of the three and said, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big on finesse, was the chihuahua.
He gave her a smile, a sly wink, turned to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and said, “Liver alone, cheese mine."
What does a tree do when it’s bored?
It branches out
Hit my fiancé with this one which got a groanNoah asked God what to do with all the ice for the penguins.
God said, “Cubit.”
Tried to get a refund on an incomplete monopoly set.
No dice.
What do you call a broken skunk
Out of odor 😁
What do you call two male FBI agents having dinner together?
A Government Man-date
I got an email today telling me how to read maps backwards…
…turns out it was just spam. 🤣
Why the French don't like Ronaldo?
He refuses to say Messi.
What is a French farmer's favourite crop?
8
So, a bear walks into a bar..
He sits down and when the bartender comes around he says, "Hello sir, I'll have a rum............ And a Coke". The bartender inquisitively replies with, "uhh what's with the pause?" The bear answers and says, "Ummm..... I was born with them?"
Bubba at the tavernBubba was at the bar last night waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind him, and slapped him on the butt.
She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number!”
He looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?"
She said, "I sure do."
Bubba responded, "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing!”
His dental surgery is on Monday.
At dinner my date complained, “Naps? Sleeping in? Taking breaks? How are these actual hobbies?? Your profile said you were interesting!”
I calmly leaned in to clarify. “Resting. I’m into resting.”
Do you remember blowing bubbles as a kid?
I ran into him the other day, he still talks about it.
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