Last night I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.. she replied a divorce
I wasn't planning on spending that much..
Our computers went down at the office today, so we had to do everything manually.
It took me fifteen minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.
Which insect is the opposite of a stink bug?
Deodor ant
What’s the difference between the USA and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will develop a culture.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the no-bell prize.
Tech tip: It’s dangerous to download “Come Sail Away” or “Satisfaction”. “Turn, Turn, Turn” is perfectly fine however…
Styx and Stones may break your phones, but the Byrds will never hurt you.
The US pilot shared how he evaded capture after his plane was shot down.
He said: “Iran”
Arnold Schwarzenegger can’t stand Christmas, too many presents. Thanksgiving is no better, he’s allergic to turkey. Halloween too many people dress up like him. Valentine’s day too much pressure. But today he gets his chocolate egg and he’s happy
Have to love Easter, baby
Dad Joke (topical)"Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?"
"Because it's an anagram of Easter and your mum loves Easter.
"Thanks dad"
"No problem Alan"
I heard Charles Dickens' "A Tale of Two Cities" was first serialized in a local newspaper.It was the Bicester Times,
it was the Worcester Times.
A shark can swim faster then a human. A human can run faster then a shark
so in a triathlon it all comes down to hows the better cyclist.
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie…Clooney says, "I'll direct."
DiCaprio says, "I'll act."
McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
My daughter asked if i've seen the dog bowl
I said, "i didn't even know he could"
I often read dad jokes here and think to myself, "That's not funny at all!" or "Come on man! Another repost!?" or "Boooooriiiiing!" And then...
I press 'Submit'...
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide
What part of a mathematician will you never be able to kick?
His asymptote.
I come from a family of failed magicians...
I have two half sisters
After you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils because...
...they dilate!
I design and build alcoves…
It’s pretty niche.
Don't mess with people who wear glasses
They might have contacts
My wife was on the phone, trying to take a message when she asked me to get her something hard to write on.
So I handed her a pillow.
I almost caught a ram once, but it moved at the last second
It was a dodge ram
Hollywood.George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.
Clooney says, "I'll direct."
DiCaprio says, "'II act."
McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write.
Which crayon at the Crayola factory is in charge of answering the phones?
Yellow
Man: Excuse me bus driver, do you know how long the next bus will be?
Bus driver: About thirty feet, six inches.
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