My wife: "You promised to stop with the Darth Vader quotes after we got married"
Me: "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."

Do you know the difference between the USA and a yoghurt?
If you leave a yoghurt alone for 250 years, it develops a culture.

My wife opened a new store, specializing in one particular size of flashlight battery. It is downtown, next door to the optometrist/eyeglass shop.
She sells c-cells by the see store

A guy goes to prison, and on his first day he's sitting in the cafeteria, and someone yells "number 54" and the whole room erupts into laughter.
The next day he's eating again, someone else yells out "number 71" and again the room fills with laughter.

He turns to the guy next to him and asks "what's the deal with the numbers?"

Guy next to him responds "well most of us have been here so long, we hear the same jokes over and over and over again. So we numbered them, to save us time."

So the new guy decides to give it a try he stands up and yells "number 25" and there is dead silence. He turns to the guy next to him and asks "what's the deal, why did no one laugh"

He responds "some guys just don't know how to tell a joke".

I went to the gym today asked the instructor to teach me to do the splits. “Are you flexible,” he asked.
“Well, I can’t do Tuesdays,” I said.

A whale watching group's boat was set on fire...
The attacks were orcastrated.

Three women...
decide to go on a walk. After some time of hiking they find a bench in the woods and go on to do some resting there. Suddenly a masked guy jumps out of the bushes and flashes them before he runs away.

Woman 1: "Oh god, at least I know that wasn't my husband!"

Woman 2: "I'm so relieved it wasn't a member of my church group!"

Woman 3: "As far as I know it wasn't a guy from our town."

Called the Wildlife Hotline.
Was told to push 3 for Bird life, push 4 for Fish life, or hold on for Deer life.

Yesterday I had a date that was perfect.
Tomorrow, I’ll have a fig.

I am training them right, grandson got me!
My 7 year old grandson is visiting for the July 4th Holiday. Tonight he was getting ready to take a shower and he asked me, Papa is the shower well water? I said, yes it was. He looked up at me and asked, how did you capture the whales pee?!

He got me me, starting them early!!

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
7 was a 6 offender

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump said he did it and they all clap in the dark

I need to take a minute and thank everyone in this sub for their support. Today has been a really sad day.
But yesterday was a Sadder-day.

I know approximately 8 things;
How to estimate is not one of them

What is the name of the film in which toys come to life and are critical of tsarist authority, the Orthodox Church, and private property?
Tolstoy

Did you know that if you rearrange an ant's DNA, it stops making sounds?
Because it's a mute-ant.

I recently got bit by a German Shepard....
Turns out my neighbor Hans doesn't like it when you try to herd his sheep for him.

At the end of dinner, I asked my date if she’d mind bringing the wine and dessert to our llama picnic this weekend. She said, “I don’t know what that is… but sure.”
Smiling, I took her hand and said, “Alpaca lunch.”

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat came up and flashed them
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