I just adopted a dog from the local blacksmith.
when we got home he made a bolt for the door
My son has finally surpassed his mom in heightStanding next to her, she said to him “You’re six inches taller than me!”
To which he replied “If you think that’s six inches, Dad’s been lying to you”
(True story, happened yesterday. His timing was impeccable, and he had this great mixture of pride and utter embarassment)
Hiking in your 40s is a great way to meet new people.
Today I met two paramedics, three nurses, a cardiologist and nearly met my maker.
There are three truths in religion:1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
How do oysters reproduce?
I’m not sure but I’ve heard they’re pretty shellfish in bed.
I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden
Oopsie daisies
What do you call 10,000 soldiers with no legs?
Army.
The key to a good guillotine joke...
is the execution.
Our baseball coach said he'd dismiss any batter wearing Adidas trainers.
Three stripes and you're out
What goes "tick, woof, tick, woof"?
A watch dog
They say that dogs bark up to 350 times a day.
Of course, that's just a ruff estimate.
What do you get if you put a copy of Macbeth on top of a dictionary?
A play on words.
I was assaulted by a man with a block of cheese.
How dairy!
My wife and I split up for religious reasons.She worshipped money.
I didn’t have any.
I can’t believe you’d try to sell me a broken mirror.
It reflects poorly on you.
What kind of jeans do the Mario brothers wear?
Denim denim denim
As I handed my dear Dad his 65th birthday card, he looked up at me with tears in his eyes and said
“You know son, one would have been enough”
Squirrels and Religion
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
I think we clearly have different ideas on what a dad joke is
I wouldnt repeat alot of the jokes showing up lately to any kid( regardless if how funny). I feel like weve lost our way. Im no purist but theres plenty of other reddits for those jokes. :/
I tripped over my wife's bra
It was a booby trap
My son is trying to decide between staying in school or dropping out to become a roofer. Honestly, I don't know what to tell him.
Should he choose the former or the ladder?
My kid came out to me as trans and asked if I still accepted them for who they are. I told them quite clearly that I loved them no matter what they chose.
I was being transparent.
What do you call one thousand Millie Bobby Browns
Bobby Brown
My father’s brother is getting married
I hear that’s how you get aunts.
Can a ninja throw a ninja star?
Sure he can.
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