If farmer A sells apples and farmer B sells bananas… What does farmer C sell?
Medicine.
I told my GF that I have a half brother living near Sydney Harbour in Australia. Different dads?she asked.
I said no, shark attack.
Where do mansplainers get their water?
From a well, actually.
I was shocked to read a local dentist was arrested for dealing drugs. I’d been going there for years…
I didn’t know he was a dentist.
What kind of car does Captain Obvious drive?A Maz-
duh. Or a Hon-duh.
I worked as an underwear model…
It was just a brief job.
"Doctor, I have a passionate dislike for the Backstreet Boys."
Psychiatrist: "Tell me why."
What do wives and Google have in common?
They won't let you finish a sentence before giving you suggestions.
After devouring several luxury hotels, Godzilla developed cavities.
The dentist told him he'd been eating too many suites.
Why don't cats ever get summoned for Jury Duty?
Because they'd be guilty of Purrjury
I just heard that Neil Diamond has just sold his car on ebay...
Its a sweet car online
I was sleeping in my hotel when the phone rang at 6 AM. It was the front desk, and she told me i need to go apologize to my parents and repair our relationship before they die of old age, and I regret it forever.
It was a real wake up call.
I have a step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
What is the difference between a boxer and a man with a cold?
One knows his blows, and the other blows his nose!
The teacher asked a kid why he wasn't paying attention in class. "I bet you can't even name 2 types of water bodies!"
He replied, "Well, dam."
Gym.Me: "I'm still tired from all the crossfit this morning."
My co-worker: "It's pronounced 'croissant' and you ate 4 of them."
Magician.There was a Mexican magician. He said he’ll disappear on the count of three. He said uno, dos, *poof*… he disappeared without a tres.
😂
My son asked me if he should use an AA or AAA battery to produce a spark to start a fire.
I said AAA, because it's a little lighter.
Husband: Guests are coming tonight. What's for dinner?Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.
Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say "oh no!! I dropped the chicken " . I couple of seconds later I'll drop another utensil and say "I dropped the spaghetti. Now we're only left with green beans."
(Guest arrives)
Wife: Welcome. Please make yourself comfortable.
(loud sound comes from the kitchen)
Wife: Everything alright, honey?
Husband: Damn it. I dropped the beans.
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they always hang out in bunches.
I showed my Jamaican father my report card. He said, “Do you worship the devil now, son?!” I’m like, “What do you mean??”
“Because you got a D, mon!”
Where do dry fish like to swim?
In the lotion
My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn't need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
Got my family with this one today, came up with it on the spot.We had watched Prince of Egypt a few days ago, but had to stop before the end. We were going to finish it tonight, but my youngest didn't want to, because it was "too intense".
That's when I piped up: "if you think this is intense, wait till the Israelites actually get out of Egypt. When they're in the wilderness, they just live... in tents."
My 11 yo daughter actually spit out her food from laughing. Haha! Got 'em!
What do you call a short person who enjoys good food?
Gastrognome
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