Why isn’t holy water found in vaccines?
Can’t take the Lord’s name in vein.
Did you know that the Princess Bride never had kids?
Inconceivable
I tried to tell jokes on Zoom during a work meeting
Apparently, I wasn't even remotely funny.
My son was going on his first overnight hunting trip...
He wanted to get some new gear for the trip so we headed to Scheels (massive sporting goods store) to pick some things up. We got just about everything on the list and he tells me, "I think I got everything, but couldn't find the camo pants." So I walk him over and point to the aisle. He just stares at it and says, "Where?" I point again. He repeats himself. I start to get frustrated and ask, "How can you NOT see them? They're right th—" And then I realized I had raised my son right.
What do you call a cult that’s hard to get into?
Difficult
A friend and dad to be has told me this joke several times over the years. Well 45 minutes ago it actually happened to me in real life!A knock on the door. My wife's answers.
"There's a salesman here with a bald head!" She shouted.
"Tell him I already have one!" I replied.
I called him and we did nothing but laugh for what seemed like 20 full minutes.
Steve Miller (the rock and roll Steve Miller) dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates...St. Peter: Tell me about yourself.
SM: I'm a picker.
St. Peter: Nice.
SM: I'm a grinner.
St. Peter: That's nice too.
SM: I'm a lover.
St. Peter: Great. Anything else?
SM: Uhm, no.
I do a lot of illegal things,
But graffiti is where I draw the line.
What is a zombie bodybuilders favourite thing?
GAAAAIIIIINS!
My friend tattooed his favourite Star Wars character on his cheek.
You should have seen the Luke on his face.
What do you call a drunk bee?Buzzed.
Rate my joke 0/10?
Today is the perfect day
Some would even say it's 10/10
Did you know the eye is the last thing to shut down when a person passes?
Because it dilates…
My kids asked me how much allowance did I get as a teenager per week?
Me: I was allowed to live there.
Dang girl, are you today's date?
Because you are 10/10!
Why was the musical movie rated R?
Because it was full of SAX and VIOLINS.
Did you hear about the man who was killed by a chocolate bar?
There was a Bounty on his head
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
What was Peppa Pig’s favorite band in the 90s?
Puddle of Mudd
"What would you call Madonna before she was born?""I don't know."
"Pre-Madonna!"
What do puns, farts and children have in common.
Theyre only funny when they're youre own.
If you’ve never gotten a hot stone massage, you should
It rocks
Did you hear about the guy in the Middle East who started a company that converts land mines into prayer mats?
Someone was saying prophets are through the roof
My son got meWe were outside tucking the pets in. It was a beautiful fall evening in Denver. I called him over to admire the brilliant stars in the sky. Low in the north east, one was scintillating. "Look," I said, "see the bright one? That's Vega!".
He pointed to a brilliant light just taking off from Denver International, "Look," he said, "See that bright one? That's Boeing!"
I .. I'm so proud!
Tonight I had a candy bar, but some of it was missing leaving just the pretzel base exposed.It was a Take 3 at best.
I’ll see myself out.
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