She told me "sorry. I have a boyfriend"
"Ahh, it appears you're misstaken"
We all know that 6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat three squared meals a day.
I told my wife there was a honeybee in my yogurt...
She ran over concerned, looked into the bowl, and saw a giant letter "B" made of honey. The 6:00 AM eye-roll was glorious.
One eggMy wife delivered this one yesterday. I told her I don't want to hear any complaints about dad jokes for a long time now. It definitely belongs here.
So, she was pulling together a full on breakfast wish hash browns, biscuits, sausage, and eggs, turned to me and said two eggs for you, I assume? I said yes. She said, I think I'll be French today and have one.
I raised an eyebrow as I tried to puzzle it out and she came to my rescue with "because one egg is un œuf (enough)." Groans ensued, but I had to give her credit for that one.
I got caught stealing Viagra from the pharmacy where I work ...I thought I was going to get fired.
Instead I got a big raise.
Whenever I make a post on Reddit the first comment is usually by a police officer, fire fighter or an EMT
They're the first responders
I asked my friend if he wanted to hear a joke about elevators.
He said no. I told him it’s an uplifting experience. 😭
What did Neptune change his name to once he became a Dad?
Punseidon
Why did the blind boy fall down the well?
He didnt see that well
Did you hear about the man who lost the whole left side of his body?
He's alright now
What happens when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
You get a woolly jumper.
A slice of bacon and his buddy the egg tried walking into a bar at 10:45 a.m. but were immediately stopped by the bouncer.
Apparently this place didn't serve breakfast after 10:30.
I got a ticket for eating too fast at a shopping mall.
I had to go to food court.
My doctor said I'd be on my feet in 2 weeks.And he was right!
I had to sell my car to pay the medical bill.
I’m launching a whistleblower site for classified vegetables
I’m calling it WikiLeeks
The cops knocked on my door last night and said my dog has been chasing a man down the street on a bike.
I replied “Can’t be my dog as he doesn’t know how to ride a bike”.
Why do billionaires really keep all their money to themselves?
They don't want it to be a loan
When my buddy was a kid, his dad would roll his brother and him down hills in large tires.
Yep, he said, "Those were the 'Goodyears.'
My son asked me, “How do you start a dad joke?”Me: “Oh, once a pun a time…”
My son: “I see, so it has to be an old joke.”
What do you get when you cross marijuana with a potato?
A baked potato
Thought they spelled "LICKER STORE" wrong,
until I saw that all they sold were Ice Cream Cones, Envelopes, Stamps and Puppies.
What does god call his nose?
God knows
I made a joke about a drone crash ..
It didn’t land all that well …
What is a cat's favorite color?
Purrple.
How do seashells stay clean?
The wash up on the beach.
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