I found money in my pasta sauce can but I ate it anyway......
......it was worth every penne.
I got fired from my job at the calendar factory
I didn’t even do any thing, I just took a day off
If you go to a place and there's no white people
That place is cracka-lackin
Do you like my Halloween themed toothpaste?
It's called A Brush With Death
Did you know you cannot run in a campground?
You can only ran, because it’s passed tents.
ever have sex while camping?
it’s fucking in tents!
Two guys are robbing a liquor store.One of them asks he other "is this whiskey?"
The other one says : yeah, but it's not as wisky as wobbing a bank.
An ornithologist friend of mine has published an album of his favorite bird songs that he's recorded.
He's calling it his Greatest Tits.
I've said it before and I'll say it again...
It.
In Las Vegas, there are more Catholic churches than there are casinos.Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect all the offerings, then send all the chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting, and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
A father in Iraqgifted his daughter a new bag.
The daughter replied, 'Thanks for the Baghdad.'
A book fell and hit me on the head last night.
I've got nobody to blame but my shelf.
I guess they made itMy kids and I went to dinner tonight at a local chinese place.
When we left, these 2 ladies followed behind and were bubbling with laughter. They told us this one guy sent back his sweet tea at least 4 times and they were dying of laughter because they watched the workers pour salt, not sugar into the tea.
My 6yo daughter said back to me, "I guess they made it salt tea."
We did it boys.
Proud Mom MomentMy daughter was remarking about how the cat distribution system has only blessed me with black cats.
Daughter: Mom, are you a witch?
Me: Maybe
Son: (points to daughter) That makes you a witch…
And it makes me a son of a witch!
I saw a news story about a woman who fell in love with a man who was abducted alongside her.
She was really taken with him.
It’s a shame the Beatles didn’t make the submarine in their song green.
That would have been sublime.
My son keeps trying to set the clocks back, but I won't let him.
Not on my watch.
I don't know if this is the right place to be sharing this but it wasn't easy for me growing up in that house. My mother worked for an insecticide making company and my dad was in the business of cleaning up hazardous waste.
It was such a toxic relationship.
What Do You Call An Italian With Dreadlocks?
A Pasta
The ghost haunting my house insisted he wasn’t angry with me for moving in.
But I could tell he was invisibly upset.
I found a store that sold nothing but single gloves and mittens.
It was a second-hand store.
Why do dads love DnD so much?It builds character.
Stolen from my friend lol.
Chickens.
What do you call a person who looks after chickens ?
Chicken tender ….
I love the Lion King movie, but
Mufasa's death Scarred me as a kid
Near the end of our dinner, my date said, “Look, I need to be honest with you. I’m expecting a baby.”
I said, “I’m sorry, but I don’t have any to give you.”
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