How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump says it’s fixed, and they all stand around clapping in the dark.
My wife yelled at me to take the spider out.
We went out for beers. Nice guy. He's a web developer.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
Whats Trumps favorite garden.?
Kinder..
I’m gonna invent a device that sprays perfume with mind control.
It makes scents when you think about it.
Turn bands into food. I'll start.
Fleetwood Mac and Cheese.
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out.
I just burnt 2500 calories in 20 minutes
I forgot to take the brownies out of the oven.
I've been quoting too much Brittany Spears
Oops... I did it again
Why are UFOs always so clean?
Because nothing escapes the vacuum of space.
Why was the dentist disappointed with his long service award?
Because all he got was a little commemorative plaque
Hey doc, do you think I can administer my own anesthetic?
Sure, knock yourself out…
My husband asked me to show him my wild side.
So I opened Safari.
You heard of those fruit sexuals?
They find bananas appealing but they only come in pears.
I’m trying to make a joke about furniture…
And sofa, I can’t come up with anything.
Went to an airshow today, and saw a RedBull stunt plane going all out. I pointed it out to my nephew who immediately came at me with...It used to be a stunt car, but RedBull gave it wiiings.
I nearly died laughing, I was so proud of him in that moment and really wanted to share the humor with some like minded folks. (I am a dad, just not his dad.) Anyone else find some truly inspired dad humor from unexpected places?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a historian.
But those days are all in the past.
I'm working on a device that can read minds
I'd love to hear your thoughts
How do you know the Mad Hatter isn't a dad?
A Dad Hatter wouldn't be mad, just disappointed.
I met a microbiologist this morning.
She was a lot bigger than I thought.
There are three kinds of people in the world
Those who can count, and those who can’t.
A little boy ran up to me shouting "Please help, my dad is in a fight!"
I ran over with him and saw two men going at it. I asked, "Which one is your dad?"
He said, "I don't know, that's what they're fighting about!"
Teacher: use contagious in a sentence
Me: I saw my neighbor painting her house with a toothbrush. I said: it will take this contagious to get it done.
I was chatting with a friend from the UK about elevators vs. lifts
Turns out we were just raised differently.
What do you call a naked bear?
Bare.
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