A pea, a lemon, and a potato were leaving a bar at the top of a very steep hill after a long night.The pea, feeling quite energetic, shouted, "Lads! We're all round—let's just roll home!" and immediately shot down the hill.
The lemon wobbled after him, but his oval shape made him list violently from side to side, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. The potato followed behind, trundling along slowly.
When the potato finally reached the bottom, he found the lemon leaning against a lamp post, looking very pale and clearly sick. The pea, however, was already jumping up and down. "That was brilliant! Let's do it again!"
The potato looked at the lemon, then back at the pea, and said: "Easy peasy, lemon’s queasy.".
I once met Tom Hanks... I asked him for his autograph.
All he wrote was "Thanks." So rude...
Magician: “And for my next trick, I will disappear!”Magician: *holds pear*
“You’re the worst fruit ever!”
What’s the difference between houses and horses?
You are!
Did you hear about the new Chinese lightbulbs?
They never burn out, they just dim sum
My boss just announced he’s going to fire the employee with the worst posture.My boss just announced he’s going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I’ve a hunch it could be me.
I was bored so I swapped all the sweets into different wrappers. My girlfriend isn’t amused…
…she got her snickers in a twix!
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the stormtroopers giggle
I am the best steak griller ever
Every time I cook, everyone says it is "beyond well done"
"Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "Hypercorrect grammar nazi." "Hypercorrect grammar nazi who?"
*whom
I just opened a new grocery store that only sells Cheerios, Onion Rings, Swiss Cheese and Donuts
It's called Hole Foods
What kind of pants does a ghost hunter wear?
Just a paranormal jeans.
Spirit Airlines says they shut down because of the economy
But I know they’re just ghosting me
Man: We should go out for a coffee sometime?Woman: How about 10 tomorrow?
Man: No, that's too many.
I have a lightning bolt scar around the end of my femur
I told my wife "maybe this makes me Harry Potter. Or perhaps it's closer to Hermioknee?"
I bought my friend an elephant for his roomI bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, "Thanks!"
I said, "Don't mention it."
Little kid + Dad + clothesLittle kid: Dada, can you put my clothes on?
Dad: Okay! (Starts dressing himself in child's clothes)
Kid: No, put them on ME!
Dad: Ohhh. (Folds clothes, places them on child's head)
I used to think rich people owned Bose music systems and the rest of us had Sony products…
…turns out those are just stereotypes.
Went to the doctor about my obsessive bragging and he gave me an anti-boasting cream ......
......I can't wait to rub it in.
Who can guzzle 5 gallons of gas?
Gerry Can!
What do you call a broken pair of headphones?
Deadphones
Killer Whales eating rich people from sinking yachts may look opportunistic...
But it's actually very well orchestrated.
My friend Steve is afraid to fly as he thinks people will laugh at how ugly his luggage is
I told him he shouldn't worry about the worst case scenario
My son came to me and asked, “dad can you explain to me what is a solar eclipse.”
Then I responded to him, “no son.”
What do you get when you eat tacos at the opera?
Classical gas!
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