How do you spell candy only using two letters? C and Y.
I want Kenny Loggins to marry Walton Goggins and open up a winter sports supply store in Lousiana
Come one come all to Loggins-Goggins Toboggans in Nawlins!!
Ice cream truck pulled onto our street. I asked the driver, “Do you carry Rolexes, Timexes, or heck… even Casios?” He looked confused and said, “Sir, respectfully... what are you talking about?”
I pointed, “Your sign… Watch for Children.”
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew chew train.
Women cancelled car appointment and I had a perfect comeback
Yesterday I was waiting for my car repair to get finished at the shop and a customer called in to cancel her appointment and her reason was "she came down with the sickness". I immediately chimed in and said she must be Disturbed! Had everybody chuckling and saying it was the perfect Dad jokes to which I replied that I doubt that many people at my age (62) would even get it. Thought I would share it as I rarely have an instant comeback like that.
A snake walks into a bar
The bartender asks "how'd you do that"
I asked my wife, “Can you help me? I’m stuck on a crossword clue, 'overworked postman'.” She replied, “Sure, how many letters?” I said, “I don't know!"
“I’m guessing, too many!”
What do you call a poor classical musician?
Baroque.
Just wanted to say that I endorse podiums
That’s one product I can stand behind
Our son was feeling a little down, so we decided to get him a puppyHis mother wanted to get him a Collie.
I wanted to get a Lab
Our daughter wanted to get a Dalmation
We decided to get a mix of all three
I guess you could call it a Collaboration
What do you call a cult that’s hard to get into?
Difficult
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts
If I want to stream a production of Hamlet
Should I watch Tubi or not Tubi?
Birth.My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.
I gave birth zero times and I don't fit in my pants from March.
Two guys walk into a bar.
Third guy ducks.
Why was the little drop of ink crying?
His dad was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence was.
I lost my job as an elevator operator…
Suddenly things went sideways.
What's the difference between shopping at the truck dealership and shopping at the Disney Store?At one you get a Toyota Tacoma
At the other you get to take home a toy Yoda.
A man is crawling through the desert, dying of thirst...The desert is blazing hot, and he's desperate for water. He comes upon a traveling merchant. He crawls up to the merchant and says "water, please! Water! Water!"
The merchant says "I don't have any. I'm a tie salesman. Would you like to buy a tie?" The guy replies "No! I need water! I'm so thirsty! Water!"
The merchant says "Well I told you I don't have any. But go west about 10 miles or so, and there is a small inn where you can get water." The guy crawls off. A couple of days go by, and the guy comes crawling back to the merchant. He looks even worse than before.
The merchant asks "what's wrong? Didn't they give you water at the inn?"
The guy replies "they wouldn't let me in without a tie."
If an anemone stings you...
Its now an enemy
How do you fix a broken tuba ?
With a tuba glue.
A photographer was injured when a huge chunk of cheddar fell on him
All the people in the picture were trying to warn him
How do artists get into politics?
They canvas the area first.
Paramount is training a black cat to be Picard's new companion.
His name is William Chat Noir.
I was telling a group of people about the dangers of dried grapes...
You know, raisin awareness
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