Microsoft’s email system is down and they don’t know when it’ll be restored.
Their outlook is really bad.
I went to my first Pride parade. What a disappointment.
Not a single lion anywhere!
What was Icarus’ least favorite food?
Hot wings
My girlfriend said I'm a useless lazy slob and she deserves much better.
I said, "You woke me at 3 in the afternoon just to tell me that?"
What do the Spice Girls and Microsoft have in common
No male
I was in a public bathroom the other day and a guy in a cubicle started going: ‘Aaah, eeee, oooo’
I guess he was having a vowel movement!
Last week, I answered the door and standing there was a six-foot-tall mosquito! He thumped me on the head, then left…
The next night, the same mosquito came to the door. He punched me in the stomach and left. The third night, the doorbell rang. As I slowly opened the door, the mosquito pushed the door open, kicked me in the shin and left. I went to see my doctor and explained everything that had happened. I asked him what I should do. The doctor replied, "Not much you can do. There's just a nasty bug going around."
I once knew a horse who tried to be a prostitute for a night.
She was a real one-trick pony.
What do you call a blind chicken?
A Hicken, because it can't C.
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans
Women, to me, are like metric sockets.
A ten is so hard to find
Which crayon got stuck on an island?
Maroon.
What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?
The literalist takes things literally. The kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
I would never go deep ocean diving
It is beneath me
Snow White still hasn’t received her Shutterfly order, but she’s not worried.
She knows that someday her prints will come
You’ll never believe this. I don’t even workout
But the doctor says my muscles got a trophy
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.
In school there was this one professor who never gave lower than a D...
It's not that he didn't care, he was just all out of F's to give.
How does an apothecary please a lady?
Elixir.
Galileo.
Kid: Dad we're studying Galileo. What do you know about him?
Dad: Well, he was a poor boy from a poor family.
Tripped and hit my head on..
a snare drum, now I have a percussion.
How do witches and wizards prevent from accidentally turning something into a frog?
They use a spell checker.
My best friend Phillip had to have his lip removed
Now we just call him Phil.
What did the pickle salesman say to the client?
I have a dill for you.
I got an email about how to read maps backwards
It was SPAM
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