A man arrives home and says to his wife: "What would you do if I told you I had a winning lottery ticket?"She replies, "Honestly? I would take my half and leave you."
"Great!" says the man, and hands her $10. "Here's your half. Now pack your bags."
My wife and I are renovating our kitchen. She went on and on about why we must use marble for the island. “It’s timeless, it adds value, and every slab is unique.” I said, “Well, I say granite is better because it looks pretty cool.” She goes, “Pretty cool? That’s all you have to say about it?”
I stood there in silence, not knowing what else to say because that was my best counterargument.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump says it’s fixed, and they all stand around clapping in the dark.
My wife yelled at me to take the spider out.
We went out for beers. Nice guy. He's a web developer.
A guy in a leather jacket told me if I gave him a hundred bucks, after six weeks he would pay me $500
Turned out to be a Fonzi scheme.
Ate my last piece of cheese last night, and today, it's raining.
Ain't no sunshine when cheese gone
I’m gonna invent a device that sprays perfume with mind control.
It makes scents when you think about it.
A new book about paranormal activity is becoming a bestseller.
It's flying off the shelves.
Whats Trumps favorite garden.?
Kinder..
I just burnt 2500 calories in 20 minutes
I forgot to take the brownies out of the oven.
Turn bands into food. I'll start.
Fleetwood Mac and Cheese.
I've been quoting too much Brittany SpearsOops... I did it again
And I know it's with an e I just don't care enough about her
I'm working on a device that can read minds
I'd love to hear your thoughts
Wanna hear a disgusting joke about eating concrete?
Never mind… it’s too hard to stomach.
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out.
I saw an onion ringSo i answered it.
Almost brought me to tears.
The Boomrang arrived today but I didn’t like it
Good that it had 100% return policy
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Why are UFOs always so clean?
Because nothing escapes the vacuum of space.
Hey doc, do you think I can administer my own anesthetic?
Sure, knock yourself out…
How does a duck fart ?
With his ass quack
Why was the dentist disappointed with his long service award?
Because all he got was a little commemorative plaque
To be fair...
I dye my hair blonde.
You heard of those fruit sexuals?
They find bananas appealing but they only come in pears.
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