How did the man look in his cheddar shirt?
Sharp!
I went to a pub once and they had a dartboard on the ceiling
The moment I saw it I wanted to throw up
She got me.My girlfriend and I were watching a cop show together. One thing that always bothered me: when the main characters storm a building, their backup come in with full body armor, heavy assault weapons, and helmets. The MC's don't. I complained about this to her, and she said they don't need all that. They have Plot Armor.
I love that woman.
My father was a officer in the Army but he never showered
He wanted to maintain his rank
I asked Mr. T what he thinks about these high gas prices.
He said, “I pity the fuel!”
Why can’t NASA send a duck to space
The bill would be astronomical
Rescuers attempted to save a stranded Mt. Everest climber today…
When they arrived on scene they found Himalayan there!
My son asked if he could eat a piece of cake in the fridge.
I said "Sure, but wouldn't the dining room be more comfortable for you?"
I once created a belt made out of wristwatches.
It was a waist of time.
What was the name of the French guy who lost a fight with a cat?
Claude.
There were coins inside a WW1 soldier's pocket that stopped a bullet.
They were his life savings.
What did the badass census worker say?
I’m here to kick butt and take names and I’m all out of butts.
Did you hear about the guy that got his left armed ripped off in a Farm combine accident?
Yeah, he is all right now
When I discovered I was holding my new taser the wrong way,
I was stunned
Had a coworker at the office the other day using a dolly to move some equipment. I told him he could use that to get away with most anything and he looked at me weird.
I told him they call it a dolly pardon.
Mirrors.
We all know mirrors don't lie…
I'm just grateful that they don't laugh.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.
Why should you never include peppers in your friend group?
They have an annoying habit of getting jalapeño business.
What did the police dowhen the town was threatened with swarms of flying insects?
They deployed the swat team.
Who has an on again, off again, fight with Darth Vader?
Strobi Wan Kenobi
At a divorce paper signing...
WOMAN: I regret ever joining that Star Wars dating app
MAN: You were looking for love in Alderaan places
WOMAN: And I really regret marrying a Star Wars pun addict
MAN: It was a wookie mistake
WOMAN: Just sign it
MAN, SIGNING: May divorce be with you
I was walking through a graveyardWhen I saw a man pop up from behind a headstone.
"Morning", I said..
The man replied "No, just taking a shit"
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my new calandar
I'm dismayed
What is an electrical engineer's favorite song?
Watt is love? Baby, don't hertz me, don't hertz me, n-ohm more.
5 ants rented a room with another 5 ants
now they're tenants
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