I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.
The doctor says it's terminal.
My daughter woke me up at 11:00 PM last night. Daddy she whispered guess how old I’ll be next month
I don’t know I whispered. How old? She smiled and held up 4 fingers. It’s 7:39 am now. My wife and I have been up with her all night. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
People are like onions...
If you chop them up into tiny pieces, everyone nearby starts crying.
My wife gave me the worst disrespect this morningNormally, she rolls her eyes or groans when I make jokes. Par for the course.
But this morning, she's watching Tiktok, the dude in the video said: "my friend Tony told me to never say his name backwards, I said, 'why not?'" and she bursts out laughing.
I get no respect.
I just applied for life insurance, and they asked me, “Sir, do you participate in any dangerous activities?” I replied...
“Yes, sometimes I disagree with my wife!”
The former Nazi soldier applied for a job in the animal hospital.
After all, he is a veteran aryan.
My friends all tell me I’m really bad at subtraction.
I don’t know what to take away from those comments.
Not all math puns are funny…
…just sum! 🤣
What did Ivan Drago say when he found out his wife wanted to change her hair color?
If she dyes, she dyes
My neighbor gifted me a little willow tree, hoping one day it will be pleasant to sit under. In return I gifted him a little maple tree, hoping the same for him.
It's a good practice to exchange Pleasant Trees.
PastaDid you hear about the guy who tried to get an award for his performance in a Broadway play by bribing the judges with pasta?
Yeah. He tried to rigatoni!
Air used to be free at the gas station. Now it’s $1.00. Want to know why?
Inflation
Our local pharmacy is having a clearance sale on laxatives.
Everything must go!
Why was the pharao very confused?
Because his daddy became a mummy.
What kind of pants does a psychic medium wear?
Just a pair-a-normal pants.
Our daughter the Xray technician married one of her patients.
We just don't know what she saw in him.
My friend just got caught having sex with a Pixar movie.
He fucked Up.
As women get older they begin to collect things…
It’s called many paws……🐈
I can kayak!
Canoe?
I made a canoe out of an old stove...
Never thought I'd own a Range Rower.
What's the phenomenon where you think something is repeating but you are bad at recognising faces?
Déjà who?"
Always be respectful if you see an older Mexican man meditating in his chair. After all…
He’s a señor sit-in-Zen.
Why did Russia retreat from Ukraine?
To get their berings strait.
Apparently Jeffrey Dahmer used to keep a blender on his front porch.
He liked to greet guests with a warm hand shake.
If you're being bothered by a bee...
Just look at it. Seeing is bee leaving.
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