In other news......the sexual position formerly known as 69 will be replaced with 96.
Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
“Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?”
“This is Alexa.”
Why aren't French fries actually cooked in France?
Because they are cooked in Greece
Whenever I get self-conscious in social situations, I reach into my pocket and rub a tiny rock.
Then I start feeling a little boulder.
What does it sound like when a vampire sneezes?
Nosfer-AACHOO!
My father always said, "When one door closes another one opens."
He was a terrific father and a terrible cabinet maker.
What's the price difference between a beer nut and a deer nut?
A beer nut costs 4.99 and a deer nut is under a buck
My dog just swallowed some coins! Very worried, I'm monitoring him closely, but there's still no change.
Where do hamsters come from?
Hamsterdam
Teacher: "What do you mean, you ate your homework? Why would you do this?"
Student: "Because you said, it would be a piece of cake!"
Did you know?
Bob The Builder and Jack The Ripper have the same middle name.
Who was the most polite leader in world history?
Yessir Arafat
What do you call an undead being that doesn't care whether it eats women or men?
A ZomBi
What is the difference between a Vietnamese restaurant and an Indian restaurant ?One is Pho profit and the other is Naan profit.
submitted by
/u/gssap [link] [comments] I saw an army of babies marching down the street.
It had to be the infantry.
My son had just ordered some Chinese food and I asked him what he had...he said 'chicken balls'
I said 'I meant for dinner'
If there was a pill to cure procrastination
I’d probably take it next week
What did the sushi say to the Bee?
Wasbi!
I bet you’ve never had a hamburger on an airplane. Right?
Because it’s ground beef.
I just injured myself measuring radio frequencies
It still hertz
I knew a cop with epilepsy once
He worked in search and seizure
What is a werewolf’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Pack meetings!
Friends.
My friend keeps saying 'cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
I got one of those switch boxes for my CRT TV, so I can connect 8 retro consoles to it at once.
Total game changer.
top
