Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat came up and flashed them One old lady immediately had a stroke.
The other couldn't quite reach.
I got asked out by five girls today!
I was definitely in the wrong bathroom.
Excuse me, where is the gender neutral restroom?
Thanks, I really need to take a she/it…
My wife asked me if I could clear the dining room table before dinner
It took me 3 attempts and a substantial run up, but I fucking nailed it
I was gonna tell a railroad joke…
But I lost my train of thought.
What beverage do you drink for the Fourth of July?
Liberty (Liber Tea)
I gave my friend a broken drum for his birthday.
Nobody can beat that.
What kind of bees produce milk?
Boobees
My wife says that I don't respect her privacy.
At least that's what it says in her diary.
You can take my fireworks when you pry them from my cold, dead handsWhich are over there on the sidewalk.
🇺🇸🧨🎇
I discovered a tiny room with some fungi growing in it
There’s not mush room in here for a person.
An elderly man was having difficulty hearing in one ear
At the emergency room, a Dr. looked into his ear, reached for forceps, and pulled a blob out of the man's ear. " Do you know what this is?" the Dr. asked the man.." No" said the man. " It's a suppository. What is a suppository doing in your ear?" said the Dr. The man replied. " Never mind that, help me get my hearing aid back!"
I rushed to the hospital after hearing my mother had been admitted. I asked, “What happened…is she okay?!” The doctor explained she got stuck in a handstand during her yoga class and warned me, “Everything is upside down to her for now.”
I walked into her room and was like, “Wow¡”
If the founding fathers were anti-gay, why did Washington always brag about going home to...
mount Vernon?
What did the police officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest.
Not saying I'm old,
but I was born before chickens had fingers.
!BREAKING! Police are searching for a gang who stole ropes from the local toy shop.
It’s believed they’ve skipped town
What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow?
Blue Cheese!
What state was Abraham Lincoln born in?
Naked and screaming just like the rest of us.
Fun Fact: George Washington employed poultry for counter-espionage efforts against the Loyalists.
He called it Operation Chicken Cacciatore.
Why aren't there any knock-knock jokes about the US?
Because freedom rings.
I couldn't find anyone to sing with me...
So I bought a duet yourself kit.
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