This just happened in real life, and I got MANY chuckles.At Costco with the wife and kid. Kid sees a sample booth and asks what they’re offering...
Me: “it’s a hot dog!”
Wife: “it’s a European wiener”
Me: “you’re a peeing weiner”
I turn to the man offering the sample and say “get it?!?”
Nothing
Wife loses it, people next to me lose it, kid loses it and won’t stop repeating it. Good times had by all, ‘cept maybe for the sample guy.
I was telling my buddies I was having a bad day.My friend said “plethora”.
“Thanks”, I said, “that means a lot.”
*
My other friend said “earth”.
“Thanks”, I said, “that means the world to me.”
*
My other friend said “bargain”.
“Thanks”, I said, “that means a great deal.”
Tears were streaming down my face and I couldn’t get them to stop. So I ran to a nearby military base. “Are there any Marines here??” “No.” “Army?” “Nope.” “A Navy SEAL?” “Sorry.” “What about an Air Force pilot?” Finally, the administrator looked at me and said, “Sir… what is this about?”
I said, “Sorry… I just need a soldier to cry on.”
My wife asked me to be less irritating...
So I shaved my face.
My son asked for a hershey's kiss
I said no, kissed him on the forehead, and said it was a he his kiss instead.
Proud moment with dessertMy girlfriend from the kitchen as she was preparing dessert: "We have custard. Do you want to pour the custard on yourself?"
"No, please pour it on the plate."
The ugh's in response were amazing.
What type of flower makes the most mistakes?
Whoopsie Daisy
Lava cakeWe went out for dinner this evening and my son ordered a lava cake for dessert. When he took a scoop out of it his girlfriend asked if it was runny.
Before he could answer I told her: "no, it's just sitting on his plate"
Everyone chuckled, I'm so proud of myself :P
I haven’t been allowed back on a cruise ship
Ever since that whole ‘poop deck’ misunderstanding
I got fired from my last job because I kept asking customers if they preferred " smoking or non smoking....
The mortuary director said the proper terms wete "creamation" or " burial".
My friend Monty
My friend Montgomery loves Crisco. He thinks it's the best stuff to cook with. He buys cartons of it. Every month he takes inventory. It's the count of Monty's crisco.
What do Trees wear to go swimming?
Trunks
Did you hear about the Vietnamese bloke whose surname was "Smith"?
He was in a no-Nguyen situation
[Meta] Please help this cafe with more bad coffee jokesOur local coffee shop is celebrating its one year anniversary, and we have noticed that the sandwich board they put outside has the same joke on it for the past year. “Q: what do you call a cow that has just given birth? A: decaffeinated”
It’s a good joke. But it’s been a year. I’m calling upon all of you dads out there for help: I want to cultivate a list of new coffee related jokes that they can add to their sandwich board. I know the owner. I bet she’d be tickled.
So you have your call action! I look forward to seeing what this might produce. Thank you in advance!
My wife said, “Let’s go up to the salad bar.”
I replied, “Lettuce…”
This just happened in real life, and I got not even a chuckle.True story: the wife and I were walking in Target this evening. We were walking in the clothing section, behind an employee who was moving a mannequin. Out of nowhere the whole arm pops off, and the poor woman can’t bend to pick it up because… ya know… she’s holding the rest of the mannequin. So I walk up, grab the limb while she’s looking around for another employee to help, hold it out to her and say…
“Here, let me give you a hand”
She took it. No laughter. My wife? Nothing. So I am posting here in the hopes that my genius will be appreciated. Keep getting those dad jokes in the wild, folks.
I just had a vasectomy done.
The area’s still quite sore and I have to walk gingerly, but apart from that, there’s not a vas deferens.
I dreamed I was floating in an ocean of orange soda pop
It was a fanta sea.
Feral cats often give birth in dumpsters
because they don't want to litter
What do you call a music instrument that pee's?Piano. and one that poo's? Poopano.
The birds & the birdsThis happened in real life and I swear I’ll never be funnier than this:
Riding somewhere with my (very progressive) mother, the topic of bromance comes up, and it’s all joking around. Then my mom says, “That’s like two guys getting way too close, it’s just…unnatural.”
Me: “Well Mom, sometimes two men love each other the way men and women do. They call it the birds and the birds.”
Mom: “Well of course I know that, I have no problem with—“
Me: “Because they both have peckers.” 🐔
Elect cheese...
For the gouda the people
They say humans eat more bananas than monkeys
Which makes sense.. I’ve never eaten a monkey
It takes me 5 minutes to walk from my home to the bar, but 20 minutes to walk from the bar back to my home.
The difference is staggering.
I wasn't sure if I was getting the hang of at my job at the cheese & gravy factory
But then I fell into a poutine.
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