I just discovered that Albert Einstein was a real person..
my whole life I've believed he was a theoretical physicist.
Whenever I’m lonely I always open Excel and go to the first line of the 1,514th column.
It’s my Number 1 BFF.
I went to a smoke shop, only to discover it had been replaced by a clothing store.
Clothes, but no cigar.
I hurt my back walking like an Egyptian.
Now I have to see a Cairo-practor.
Did you hear about the new rideshare service for senior citizens?
Oldsmobile.
I used to work at a blanket factory until
It folded.
Why do pastries make terrible friends?
They’re always flaking out.
wanna hear a rumour about butter?
nvm, i shouldnt spread it
Why can't you starve in a Desert?
Because of all the sand which is there!
One thing that always makes me throw up
is a dartboard on a ceiling
I signed up for a competitive eating contest, and I'm really nervous about it.
I think I bit off more than I can chew.
Walking home last night, I passed a slice of apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I said to myself, "The streets seem strangely desserted".
I was fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
What do french fries do when they get together?What do french fries do when they get together?
They ketchup.
Did you know that Smashmouth wrote the national anthem?
Or at least that's what somebody once told me.
I'm not saying that cosmetic surgery cured my depression
But it definitely put a smile on my face.
I finally got around to studying the causes of Lyme Disease.
Now I can tick that off my to-do list.
I quit my weightlifting gym
gave them a too weak notice
I went to visit the world's smallest wind turbine
Honestly? Not a big fan.
What do you calla teapot of boiling water on top of mount Everest?
A highpotinuse
I went to a dumpling restaurant the other day, but all the lights were really bright so I said to the waiter
dim sum
Never challenge the Grim Reaper to a pillow fight
Unless you’re prepared for the Reaper cushions
A man lost the entire left side of his body in a horrible accident.
He's all right now.
I made a graph showing all my past relationships. It has an (e)X-axis and a (wh)Y-axis.
I made a graph showing all my past relationships. It has an (e)X-axis and a (wh)Y-axis.
Where do you find a murder of crows?
Wherever there is probable caws
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