Actual line from my 10-year old: At dinner I mentioned that for some reason the corn didn’t actually taste much like corn.
After a slight pause, my son deadpanned: “That’s corncerning.” 10/10 groaner
How does a polygamist hippie count his wives?1 Mrs. Hippie. 2 Mrs. Hippie. 3. Mrs Hippie…
Edit: Typo
What did the baby chicken say when its mother laid an orange?
“Look at the orange mommalaid.”
I just finished reading a book about the world’s greatest basement.
It was best cellar.
A cannibal family moved in next door and invited us over for dinner.
Apparently they were fed up with their old neighbors.
A friend of mine changed his name to Björn today
He wasn't Björn yesterday
What happens if someone slaps you at a high frequency?
It Hertz.
My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store.
I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.
Mortal Kombat was actually based on a Scandinavian church song.
It was a Finnish Hymn.
Last night.. I went to the Apple Store to get a new iPad for my wife as a surprise. I found the one I thought she would like and told the Apple genius guy helping me that I wanted to get it for my wife…
He responded “We accept only cash or card we do not allow trades”
I saw a guy carrying a long stick. "Are you a pole vaulter?", I asked.
“No, I'm German. How'd you know my name is Walter?"
Me to my daughter while holding jug of milk and tub of ice cream: Would you like a milkshake?Her: Sure!
Me: *shakes milk jug and hands it to her*
Her: ...
Teenagers became extinct after the great flood because they refused to board the ark
“Oh my god, no-ah…”, they said.
What do you call a Tube that went to College?
A graduated cylinder
My friend saw a bug today but couldn't identify it. Said it looked like an ant, but wonky. I said...
Sounds like a mutant
Trudging through the first three books of the Bible left me feeling weak, pathetic, and alone. But by the time I got to the fourth, I was doing much better.
Turns out there’s strength in Numbers.
The Magical Lambs of County CorkA wealthy city businessman was driving through the countryside of County Cork when his luxury sedan broke down right next to a beautiful, sprawling farm. While waiting for a tow truck, he spotted the old farmer standing by the fence, watching a massive flock of sheep.
Bored and looking to make polite conversation, the businessman walked over and said, "That is a truly impressive flock of sheep you have there, sir. Mind if I ask how far they walk every day to graze?"
The farmer chewed on a piece of straw, looked at the man, and asked, "Are you asking about the black sheep or the white sheep?"
The businessman blinked, a bit surprised, and said, "Uh, let's say the white sheep."
"Ah, right," the farmer nodded. "The white sheep walk about four miles a day across the hills."
"Fascinating," said the businessman. "And what about the black sheep?"
The farmer shrugged. "The black sheep walk about four miles a day across the hills too."
The businessman cleared his throat. "I see. Well, they look exceptionally healthy. How much wool do they produce when you shear them?"
The farmer looked out over the pasture. "For the white sheep or the black sheep?"
"The white sheep," replied the businessman, trying to stay patient.
"The white sheep give me about ten pounds of high-quality wool per year," the farmer said proudly.
"And the black sheep?" asked the businessman.
"The black sheep give me about ten pounds of high-quality wool per year too," the farmer replied calmly.
The businessman’s eye twitched slightly. He took a deep breath and asked, "Alright. What do you feed them to keep them in such great shape?"
"For the white sheep or the black sheep?" asked the farmer.
"The white sheep!" the businessman blurted out, losing his composure.
"They eat the rich, natural clover that grows by the northern creek," the farmer answered.
"And the black sheep?!" the businessman yelled.
"They eat the rich, natural clover that grows by the northern creek too," the farmer said.
The businessman threw his hands in the air, completely exasperated. "Sir, I don't understand! Why do you keep splitting your answers between the black sheep and the white sheep when the details are exactly the same?!"
The farmer looked at him with complete sincerity and said, "Well, because the white sheep are mine."
The businessman paused, understanding suddenly dawning on him. "Ah! I see. I'm terribly sorry, I didn't realize. And who owns the black sheep?"
The farmer replied, "Oh, they're mine too."
Where does a fish go, if he needs medicine?
To the PharmaSea.
How does the moon cut it's hair?
Eclipse it!
Don’t let Satan catch you with a wig on.
There will be hell, toupee.
I may be dyslexic...
But as long as I get my point across, that's all that mattress
I backed a horse at ten to one
It came in at half past five.
The annual tug of war between England and France has been cancelled
Nobody could find a rope that was 26 miles long.
What do you call an angry carrot or celery stalk?
A steamed veggie.
A friend of mine fell into a coal pit.
Don’t worry, he only suffered miner injuries.
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