Why are gay dating sites so popular?
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure
What do you call a glory hole at the police station?
The anonymous tip
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I’m still not sure why she wants me to urinate on a skeleton.
After Tim Cook stepped down as CEO of Apple. I'd hoped Trump would also step down.
Of course, I'm comparing apples to oranges.
I sued British airlines for losing my luggage
The courts dismissed me because I had no case
What's the best material for making a ninja suit?
Leather. It's made out of hide.
How do you know that Mike Tyson is anti-religion?
Because he punches people in the faith.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have chlamydia, gonorrhoea and onomatopoeia.” Patient: “onomatopoeia? What’s that?
Doctor: “I’m afraid it’s exactly what it sounds like.”
My dad used to put me in a tyre and roll me down a hill
Those were the Goodyears
What do students and teachers look forward to but a Slinky dreads?
Spring break
I entered a local pun contest.
To increase my chances of winning, I entered ten different puns. Not a single one won though. No pun in ten did.
I was recently invited to a 3 way
There were a couple of no shows but I still had a great time
I warned my children about blowing their whistle inside the house and I gave them one last chance.
Unfortunately, they blew it.
To save money on a coffin, buy a pen from Amazon...
and use the box it came in.
I told my wife I was building a model of Mount Everest. She asked, “Is it to scale?”
I said, “No, it’s just to look at.”
I recently started dating a woman named Hope Solo.
I think she's a keeper.
What did the Alien from planet Ikea say when he first landed on Earth
'I come in pieces'.
A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase.He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs. So he calls the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what he’s found... She says, “Oh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”
The guy replies, “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”
I got fired from my job as an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
What kind of puzzles are popular in tombs?
Cryptograms
A man walked into a pharmacy and wandered up and down the aisles looking at many things. After a while a salesclerk noticed and asked if he needed any help. He told her he was looking for a box of tampons for his wife and she directed him to the correct aisle.A few minutes later he brought a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string and placed them on the counter.
Seeing this, the clerk said, “Sir, I don't want to be nosy, and feel free not to answer me, but I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife. What gives?"
"You see, it's like this,” he replied.. “Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers because "it's sooooooo much cheaper.”
So I figure if I have to roll my own so does she.”
A very wealthy man was on his deathbed in his mansion.Before he dies, he tells his wife to put $10 million in cash in a suitcase in the attic so he can take it with him on his way to heaven.
The dutiful wife does as he asks, and then the man passes away.
After the funeral, the wife goes back up into the attic. The suitcase is still there and the $10 million is still inside.
The wife says to herself, “I knew I should have put it in the basement.”
Did you hear about the Nepalese, transgender rooster?
Him-a-layin'!
Cheese.
I didn’t know why I considered cottage cheese to be a cheese ? It’s just a curd to me .
Been trying & trying to figure out how lightning works,
Then it struck me
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