Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears. "What's the matter?" asks Olaf. "Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets.""No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," comments the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"
" I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?”
The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
Why do women prefer rocks to minerals?
because typically, mineral the same.
Did you hear about the man who was born with five penises?
He walked kind of funny, but his pants fit like a glove.
When Kit Carson wasn't out exploring, he lived on a small farm. One day, the famous frontiersman decided to surprise his wife with eggs and fish for breakfast.Arising early, he went down to the henhouse and collected some fresh eggs. There were only six.
On the way back, he stopped at the pond and landed a magnificient large-mouth bass. He wasn't sure how to carry everything---then he had an idea. He carefully dropped the eggs inside the fish and started for home.
Suddenly, the Western hero found himself confronted by a mean, hungry looking wolf. Fearing that he might become a meal for the canine, he threw the bass aside and hurried up a nearby tree. From there, he watched as the wolf grabbed his fish, eggs and all, and ran off.
When Carson got back home empty handed, he related the adventure to Mrs. Carson, who responded, saying, "You shouldn't have put all your eggs in one bass, Kit."
A ballroom is not a very secure location.
Anyone can just waltz in there.
My nonbinary child was crying yesterday.
So I patted their back, and said "Their, their."
I was breastfed until 3.
But enough about my day, how was yours?
What seven letter word starts with egg and ends with soup?
CHICKEN.
What has 5 toes and is not your foot?
My foot.
My wife didn’t understand why my 3 year old was feeding toy cars to his t-rex
I had to remind her it’s carnivorous
Ancient Romans knew about four types of poisons. Poisons I, II, and III were deadly.
Poison IV would just make you itchy.
Why did the alien get into the insulation business?
E.T. foam home
I got a once in a lifetime setup today irlFor mothers day, I got my wife a professional photo shoot with the kids, which was scheduled for this afternoon.
There was one portion where it was the kids and my wife in a pretend kitchen as if they were cooking together.
My oldest started to get a little rough with the prop eggs, and the photographer cautioned her to be careful.
Me, to the photographer: yeah, you've always gotta be careful when working with food. Did you hear about the photographer that got crushed by a wheel of parmesan?
Photographer: oh my god, no, what happened?
Me: well, everybody in the picture tried to warn her...........
I met a genie once. He gave me one wish. I said “I wish I could be you.”
The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."
when I was younger I started losing my hair
I performed a satanic ritual to stop myself going bald. I was warned against it, but did it even though I knew there would be hell toupee.
After years studying classical music I've finally got myself an interview for a position as a conductor.
strange thing is, I didn't realise that Amtrak had there own orchestra.
What do you call a Frenchman attacked by his cat
Claude
Losing my hair at 29 made me self conscious so I have been wearing wigs ever since …
It’s really been a small price toupee
When it comes to watering my lawn, I’ve upgraded from using a bucket to using a hose. I can’t believe I didn’t do it sooner.
The old way pails in comparison.
I lost my job at the music store for punching everyone that played the drums.
Apparently, that’s not beat boxing.
I read that the U.S. government is going to stop making the one-cent coin. What a disaster!
Millions of Americans will be left penniless.
A sheep, a drum, and a rattlesnake fall down a hill...
Bah dum tsssss….
I’m known for puns and I can do them in sign language
Which is quite handy
Why do pirates were thermal underwear?
To keep their booty warm
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