I told my son it was time for his nap.
He refused to go lie down, so with a heavy heart I had to report him to the police. He was resisting a rest.
My kid walked in with his new Middle Eastern friend from next door and said, “Dad, guess what? My new friend is WAY cooler than all the other kids on our street!”
Kneeling down I said, “Buddy, I’m excited you two are getting along… but you really shouldn’t compare Yousef to others.”
My wife told me to stop calling every small repair “a project”
So now they’re “limited-time household events.”
Did you hear how Richie Cunningham was cheated out of his savings?
It was a Fonzie scheme.
What does Fozzie Bear like to put on his tacos?
guaca guaca guaca
What did the melon say when his lawn was looking dry?
"I guess it's time to water-ma-lawn..."
After the flood
After the flood, all of the animals from the ark went forth and multiplied, except for the snakes. Try as they might, the snakes couldn't have any babies. They finally came to Noah and Noah told them that he'd pray about it and get back to them the next day with an answer. Noah did just that, and the next day he came back to relay what God had told him. "Just build yourself a bed of logs and mate there." The snakes did as they were told, and the next thing you know, there were baby snakes slithering around all over the place. Noah went back to God to report to him that his instructions had worked perfectly. But he had to ask how this worked. God said, "Very simple. When you use logs, even adders can multiply."
Happening in a dinerA waitress at a diner gave a man his check.
As he got up to leave
he put down the amount
for the check and three cents for the tip.
The waitress noticed this
and said, “You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.”
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?
Waitress: This first one tells me you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.
Waitress: This second one tells me you are not married.
Man: Yes, that's true too.
Waitress: And this last one tells me your mother wasn't married either.
In today's news, a man accidentally overdosed on Viagra.
The wife is taking it hard.
I went to an Eskimo restaurant…
I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked the waiter about the specials.
He said: 'We've got whale meat, or whale meat, or whale meat... Or we've got the Vera Lynn.' I said 'What's the Vera Lynn?' He said 'Whale meat again.....
ALDI.I just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from ALDI.
It even came with Aldi king’s horses and Aldi king’s men.
What is the loneliest cheese?
Provolone.
Why do German cats live forever?
Because even when they have no lives left, they still have nein!
What do you call a bovine informant?
A cow tipper.
What did the sugarmaker say to the maple tree, he stood next to?
"I'd tap that."
What's the difference between houses and horses?
You are.
What was the steak knife thinking when he was dating the butter knife?
"She's kinda dull."
Did you hear about the new movie Constipation
It hasn’t come out yet
I’d like to open my own hospital.
But I don’t have the patients for it.
What should you call man-boobs
Chesticles.
There was a semi truck carrying hair products that crashed...
There were no fatalities, but everyone on the scene dyed.
What font is Alphabet Soup in?
Times New Ramen.
My wife shouted, "There’s a grizzly in our kitchen! How'd it get in?" I explained, "Honey, it's a long story and you probably won't believe me, but..."
"Bear with me..."
What do you call a paper-airplane that doesn’t fly?
Stationary
I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday
I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
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