My son came home from school and said: “Dad, I got a part in the school play, I play a man who's been married 30 years."
I replied: “Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."
Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon
After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.
I wanted to write an encouraging message on a Special Olympics promo video.
But comments were disabled.
I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He's a small arms dealer.
I had a girlfriend in college who demanded to know how pretty she was on a scale from 1 to 10.
I said yur an eight. So she did.
I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them
Not only that but I can also tell if they're standing.
Somebody asked me if I knew a guy called “Quasimodo”.
I told them that name rings a bell.
I had a date last night. It was perfect.
Tomorrow, I’ll have a banana.
What do you call a gaming console that was accidentally made?
Unintendo
New York City is just a place of perpetual disappointment and irresponsbility.
They drop the ball every year.
When my daughter was a toddler...I was doing the obvious good parent thing and training her to use a small toilet I had bought her.
Only for some reason, every time she saw it she burst into tears and was absolutely unconsolable.
The second time it happened I'm holding her, trying to comfort her and ask "What's wrong honey? Why are you crying?"
And in between sobs she chokes out, "It's.. it's my... it's my potty and I'll cry if I want to..."
Our local flasher Pervy Pete was considering retiring after 40 years
but has decided to stick it out for another year
Satan and Jesus in a cemetery.On the outskirts of town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucket of nuts and sat down behind the tree, out of sight, and began dividing up the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. A couple of the pecans fell and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He jumped back on his bike and sped off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and Jesus are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The boy kept insisting so the old man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you were tellin' the truth." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anybody. At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all of them. Let's go get those two by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man, using a cane, had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
What is Jaws' favorite meat and cheese plate?
A sharkuterie board!
What do you call a hippo who judges other hippos?
Hippo-critical.
What does a hot dog use for protection?
Condoments.
What did Pavlov use to train his birds?
Air conditioning.
What do you call it when you step on a lobster?
A crushed-acean.
I heard a joke about hipaa
But I can’t tell you
A cop pulled over a carAs he approached he noticed a crow in the driver’s seat. Then he saw another crow in the passenger seat. He immediately arrested both of them for . . .
Attempted Murder
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Do physical therapists tell patients with lower leg pain
That it’s gonna tibia okay?
According to a pole that was recently conducted
Lightning rods work!
A man walks into a bar holding a tiny piano with a tiny man playing itThe bartender says, “Where did you find that?”
“There’s a magic lamp just outside with a genie that grants wishes,” the man replies.
The bartender runs outside, grabs the lamp, rubs it, and says, “I wish for a million bucks!”
All of a sudden, ducks begin falling from the sky.
Confused, the bartender shouts, “I said bucks, not ducks!”
The man shrugs. “Did you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?”
I feel sorry for Tiger Woods. He won 15 Majors;
now he can't even drive.
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