Rofkar Computer Sciences

While prepping Thanksgiving dinner my wife said, “Babe, I’m exhausted … can you roast the turkey?” I’m like, “Sure!”
Then I turned to the turkey and said, “Listen here, you 18-pound diva carcass. You took four days to thaw and your head was so far up your own ass you were practically sucking your own wishbone.”

What do you call a doctor who specializes in Adam’s apples?
A guyneckologist.

Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter?
Pretty nuts!

Who can drink 5 gallons of gasoline without dying?
Jerry can

What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Annette

My son came up to me the other day and started coloring the top of my arm.
Apparently he was just looking for a shoulder to crayon.

Here’s some of my favorite Thanksgiving Dad Jokes.
• Why didn’t the turkey eat anything for Thanksgiving? It was stuffed.

• When asked if you want any leftovers:”No thanks, I’m trying to quit cold turkey”

• Did you ever notice you never get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it because all the coats are on the bed.

• What’s the day after thanksgiving? Yourwelcomegiving

• What do Canadians eat for Thanksgiving? Turkeh

• I started carrying around a stone to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before thanksgiving. It’s my Jingle Bell Rock

• I’ve always wanted to replace the Thanksgiving turkey with a different kind of bird. But honestly, I always chicken out.

• While I was picking out a turkey at the supermarket a woman asked me if these turkeys get any bigger. I had to let her down easy and tell her “No mam, they are dead”

• Why did the police arrest the Turkey? They suspected foul play.

• Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t a chicken.

• Why kind of cars would the pilgrims drive today? A Plymouth

• Why kind of key won’t open anything? A Turkey

• My kids told me my turkey was too dry. I’m so tired of these baste-less accusations.

• Did you hear about the two turkeys who got into a fight? They beat the stuffing out of each other.

• My work friend told me he’s smoking a turkey for Thanksgiving. I told him it would probably go better if he just eats it.

• My kids told me they want a pony for Thanksgiving. I normally cook turkey but whatever makes them happy.

What’s a plumbers least favorite vegetable??
Leeks!

Two priests
Two priests decided they needed a break, so they booked a vacation to sunny Hawaii. Wanting to fully relax and go incognito, they made a pact: no collars, no black suits, nothing that screams "clergy."

As soon as they landed, they hit a local shop and stocked up on the wildest tourist gear they could find — think neon shirts, loud floral shorts, flip-flops, oversized sunglasses, and straw hats. They looked like walking postcards.

The next morning, they strolled down to the beach, drinks in hand, soaking up the sun and enjoying the freedom of anonymity.

That’s when a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini walked by, gave them a sweet smile, and said, “Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father.” She nodded at each of them and kept walking, calm as can be.

The priests stared at each other, stunned. How did she know?!

Determined to be unrecognizable, they doubled down. The next day, they returned to the store and bought even wilder outfits — mismatched patterns, tourist hats with dangling beads, socks with sandals — the works.

Feeling completely undercover, they headed back to the beach, confident no one would suspect a thing.

Right on cue, the same blonde appeared — this time in an even skimpier bikini. She walked right up, smiled again, and said, “Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father.”

One of the priests jumped up. “Alright, young lady — we give up. Yes, we’re priests. But how on earth did you know?”

She laughed, leaned in, and said, “Oh, come on, Father… it’s me — Sister Angela!” 😂👙🙏

What state has the highest number of self-identifying prostitutes per capita?
Idaho

When my son finally moved out of our house, he shouted, “I’m free!!”
I told him, “Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re worth at least a couple bucks.”

According to my son, it’s not possible for two lines to cross. Honestly, I have no idea how he could think that.
He must be living in some kind of parallel universe.

What do you get when you toss a grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blown-apart.

How do you make Holy Water?
Boil the Hell out of it!

Winning the battle
My (55) daughter (22) and I regularly spar with word play and dad jokes. Today I was ridiculing her as I often do for the excessive amount of lidded cups she uses for iced tea/coffee. They filled half the sink and she finally went to tackle it, including the plethora of lids and straws. As she was completing her task, she held a bundle of straws she was drying. She looked at me and said she tried, but couldn’t come up with a straw pun. Without missing a beat, I pointed at the final sipper she was toweling off and said, “Well that’s the last straw.” She hung her head and sighed, knowing on this day, she’d been utterly defeated.

Why was the little snowman sad?
He had a little meltdown

When you cut off your left arm, ...
... your right arm is left.

Do you know what the Nazi turkey said?
GOEBBEL! GOEBBEL!

The new pastor
There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a cheque for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the cheque.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But compared to his brother, he was a saint."

I thought Friday was a sad day…
Turns out the next day was a sadder day

What do you call a Swedish guy with the Flu?
SICK SVEN

How's the job hunt going?
I tried being a massage therapist but apparently I rub people the wrong way.

Thinking of getting a job installing mirrors. I could really see myself doing that.

I tried being a geologist. But I got fired because I took everything for granite.

I was going to open a store selling herbs and spices but I didn't have the thyme.

I tried safe cracking but I just couldn't get into it.

I tried joining the PGA but I couldn't swing it. I just didn't have the drive.

I wanted to be a baker but I couldn't make enough dough.

I tried being a musician but I couldn't compose myself.

I wanted to be a photographer but just couldn't focus.

I was going to be a juggler but I didn't have the balls

I was going to be a chef but I couldn't stir up the passion.

I thought about astronomy but it was to far out there.

I wanted to be a tailor but I didn't measure up.

I was going to be a historian but there is no future in it.

I tried plumbing but I couldn't handle the pressure.

Im working on a dating app for lesbian chickens. It's just a way to make hens meet

Working on starting a plant nursery, but it is going to take a while to grow the business.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?"
The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"

I want to give a shoutout to sidewalks…
…for keeping me off the streets.

Butt Deodorant
A man needs help while shopping. He asks the clerk, "Where's the butt deodorant?"

The clerk says, "I've never heard of that".

The man says, "It says right on the container, 'Push Up Bottom'".