I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
what do you call identical boobs?
identitties ( • )( • )
When my son came out as a girl, I told her she could not longer see me.
It's cause I became transparent.
An old farmer was woken up in the middle of the night by a strange noise in his tool shed. He looked out the window and saw three men loading his expensive equipment and tools into a truck.He called the police immediately. "I need help! There are men robbing my shed right now!"
The operator sighed and said, "I'm sorry, sir. All our officers are busy with a major accident on the highway. We won't have anyone available for at least an hour".
The farmer hung up, waited thirty seconds, and called back. "Hello? Don't worry about those officers anymore. I've just shot all three of them." He then hung up.
Less than ten minutes later, three police cars, an ambulance, and a tactical unit swerved into his driveway, surrounding the shed and arresting the robbers.
The sergeant walked up to the farmer and said, "I thought you said you shot them!"
The farmer looked at the sergeant and replied, "I thought you said there were no officers available".
What is it called when a cybertruck drives off the end of a pier?
Dumpster diving!
My favorite Roman emperor stopped aging at the age of 19
Emperor Constant Teen
A hog farmer looks out his window and sees that one of his pigs is missing its tail...He says to his wife "I guess I'll have to wholesale that pig."
"Why?"
"Because I can't re-tail it."
Wife: Did you know it takes 5 sheep just to make one sweater?
Me: I didn't even know they could knit!
Driving on I-95An old man is driving down I-95 when his wife calls his cellphone.
“Bob, be careful” she says, “I just heard on the news that there’s one car driving the wrong way on the highway”
Bob yells back, “One!!! There’s hundreds of them”
What does a xenomorph celebrate every year?
Their burstday.
What do you call a very nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare!
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar.
I mean, she always said she wanted a night in…shining armor.
A woman fainted and fell onto the baggage carousel at the airport.
But she's slowly coming around now.
What kind of breast exam is given by polite doctors?
A yes ma’ammogram.
Igloo.I moved into an igloo and my friends threw me a housewarming party…
Worst idea ever.
Now I’m homeless.
Did you hear about the criminal breaking into his own house?
It was a work from home day.
What do you call a plane full of bald people?
Receding Airlines
Where do take people who got hurt playing peekaboo
The I C U
I have a fetish for huge artificially intelligent machines.
What can I say? I like big bots and I cannot lie.
What’s the difference between a newlywed Danish couple and Batman’s parents?One couple are Wed Danes and the other are Dead Waynes.
Alternate: married Danish couple.
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!” I replied, “Sure, it does.”
“It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
I messaged my wife from Victoria’s Secret. “Hey babe what’s your cup size?” She replied, “….y?”
I wrote, “damn, they don’t carry that.”
I'm not a huge fan of Rapunzel.
I do like Hiphopunzel though.
Goodbye
An old friend of mine had decided he was fed up with constant pain from various health issues and decided to go to the Euthanasia clinic in Switzerland. He just sent me a message saying that he gets the injection later today but he was a little upset about his final breakfast, he said that the bastards gave him a bowl of Cheerio’s.
Why does RFK jr avoid flying?
Because last time they made him check in his carrion
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