The man points to his dog and says, “Go get me something to eat.”
The dog runs off and comes back with a sandwich.
“Lucky guess,” says the friend.
The man tries again: “Go get me something to drink.”
The dog runs off and comes back with a soda.
The friend is impressed but still skeptical.
“Alright… ask him something harder.”
The man nods and says, “What’s on top of a house?”
The dog barks, “Roof!”
The friend laughs. “That’s it? Any dog could do that!”
The dog looks at him and says,
“You wanted me to say shingles?”
Heisenberg says "no, but we can tell you our location at the time."
The trooper tells them he needs to inspect the vehicle. He circles around back, pops the trunk, and finds a body inside.
The trooper comes back to the passenger window, gun drawn, and shouts: "Did you know there was a dead body in that trunk?"
Schrodinger rolls his eyes and says: "Well yeah... now we do..."
The trooper calls for backup and all three men are taken into custody. Heisenberg and Schrodinger went quietly, but Ohm resisted.
...in a swimming pool? Bob
...getting towed by a jet ski? Skip
...in a hole? Phil
...in a pile of leaves? Russell
[ adding some via comments ]
...hanging on the wall? Art
...in a mailbox? Bill
...on a doorstep? Matt
...at the beach? Sandy
...in a shower curtain? Rod
....in a lion's cage? Claude
I figured it was unusual, but around here, you learn not to ask too many questions.
I asked what he’d like, and without missing a beat he said, “I’ll take two beers, two stouts, four whiskey and cokes, three gin and tonics, and six shots of tequila.”
It sounded like he was stocking a party, but he was all alone.
Still, customer’s a customer, so I got to work pouring everything he ordered.
One by one, I lined the drinks up across the bar, and he started knocking them back like there was no tomorrow.
Beer, then cocktails, then straight to the tequila—shot after shot, quick as you like.
Didn’t even pause for breath, just kept going till every last drop was gone.
He let out a sigh, looked at me real serious, and said, “I really shouldn’t have done that with what I’ve got.”
I said, “Oh yeah? What have you got?”
He said, “About four bucks.
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The bartender laughs and says, "Ha! I knew it! You owe me a hundred bucks!"
"Ahh, that's ok," says the drunk.
"See that frowning guy in the corner? I bet him a thousand bucks I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it..."
We pass by one of the older 70's/80's McDonald's with the outdoor playplace, with all the characters. She recognized Ronald, but that was it. She didn't know the others even existed, so I started explaining who everyone else was the best I could remember.
When I'm finished, she looks at me with a straight face and says; "Do you think Mayor McCheese had a 'beef' with the Hamburgler"?
Dammit kid. All these years, that one was right there. How did I not see it?
The bartender says, "I'm sorry! Here, the first one's on me."
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua.
The first guys sees him, stops him and says, "You can't bring dogs in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar.
When he asks for a drink, the bartender says, "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The man replies, "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. Chihuahuas aren't seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
"The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule." - H.L. Mencken
