I take a ruler to bed with me every night....
...so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…
There’s safety in numb-bears.
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
Because you will get jurasskicked.
Boy: Dad, can you tell me what an eclipse is?
Dad: No Sun.
What should you do if you're addicted to seaweed?
Sea Kelp.
I told my bed we’re just friends…
but we still end up sleeping together every night.
The history of puns began,
..."Once a pun a time"
What did Michael Jackson say when the Mexican restaurant brought him the wrong dish?
“Chilli beans is not my order!”
When does a medieval orgy end
When the knight has come
I got my wife again with another dad joke. This one legit pissed her off!So I was sitting on my bed, one of her cats was on the chair and she was leaving the room:
Her looking at her cat: Awe! Look at you! With your little leggies tucked under you! You look like you're legless!
She walks away towards the bathroom,
Me: well then, he better get prepared for the adventure.
Her from the bathroom: what did you say?
Me: I said, he better get prepared for the adventure!
Her: what adventure?
Me: The one to Mordor!
Her: what the fuck are you talking about?!
Me (with massive shit eating grin she can't see): He better get ready for the adventure... You know... Because he's Leg-a-less!
Her: dead silence... oh, just fuck you! Fuck YOU! no seriously, you suck!
She then went to tell her dad what I had just done and said, and then gave me the stink eye for hours.
I don't think my wife wants me to lose weight...
... each time I tell her that I lost a few pounds, she says, "Keep it up!"
What's the difference between a man and a dog?
The one wears trousers, the other pants!
What do you find in a sharks underwear?
Squid marks
What fruit has fun on the slide?
A ki - weeeeeeeeee😝
How do you paddle an ambiguous boat?
Either oar
A lot of the props in “The Office” were never interacted with or moved…
In fact, most were stationery
My friend opened a seafood disco
Every night they drop the bass.
What’s a pirates least favorite letter?
Dear sir or mam, We are writing you to inform you of your third copyright strike violation.
I went to a job interview the other day. The interviewer asked me to describe myself in three words
I said, "lazy."
Alot of crows have lost the ability to communicate
Scientists are struggling trying to find the caws
Here is a corny dad joke I came up with years ago.What did the farmer say at his speech?
"Ladies and Gentlemen lend me your ears!"
The crowd then began to throw corn at him.
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of?
Trouble.
Most of you know of Darth Vader...And many more know of his sister who always lets everyone down - Ellie.
But did you know he has another sister?
Exca. She's just a really big hoe.
Why did the Prime Minister buy a big bucket of hydrofluoric acid?
Because he wanted to dissolve Parliament.
What does a dog do that a man steps into?
Pants
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