My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”
Got fired from the Viagra factory after being accused of stealing.
Guess they don’t want hard workers…
I'm very proud of the work I did on my coffee business.
I built it from grounds up.
What has four big wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What do you call bears without ears?
B
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
How do robots eat guacamole?
With microchips
I know Forrest Gump's password
1Forrest1
I was going to make a joke about supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
But I thought the sound of it was something quite atrocious.
My friends keep telling me about how he can print a gun with his 3D printer.
I’m not impressed, I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
My wife is a teacher at a very small school. She only has two students in her class & both of them are going to live to be very old
Both of her pupils are going to dilate
I have a family member that always sleeps.
It's my napkin.
Called my wife while hiking. “Um… I think I’m lost.” She goes, “Can you retrace your steps?”
I’m like, “Babe, you know I suck at drawing!”
After I took a football to the groin, my teammate said I should become a farmer...
...Because now I have a couple of ache-ers.
Police Officer: "Why are you driving around with a book in your hands?"
Driver: "It's a long story..."
What type of shoes does a serial killer wear?
White vans.
What sound does James Bond’s doorbell make?
Dong. Ding dong.
My wife texted, “Call me ASAP! It’s an emergency!!”
I’m like, “Babe, what’s so urgent about a nickname?”
I watched a surprisingly exciting movie about squirrels preparing for the winter
The story was just nuts.
There's a study that shows that cats actually meow louder and more often when greeting males vs females
Because even cats know that men dont listen
My oldest daughter had the shortest birthday of her life yesterday.
It was her 22nd birthday.
Why did the tomato blush?
He saw the salad dressing.
I never understood what they meant by "stiff upper lip"
Until I was drinking coffee outside in Minnesota in the winter
My wife said she'd love me more if I was a mute.
That's not saying much
What's a word that doesn't rhyme with itself?
Football, chocolate... I dunno, lots of things don't rhyme with "itself".
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