Got the wife so good earlierToddler:
does something mischievous Wife: "Oooh, I wonder where he gets THAT from?!" looks at me
Me: "I know exactly who he gets that from. In fact, I hung a picture of the culprit in the bathroom right above the sink."
Wife: "...wait, really?"
Me: "Yeah, go look."
To my astonishment and delight, she actually goes into the bathroom and looks above the sink where, of course, she sees her reflection in the bathroom mirror
She comes back out shaking her head in defeat. She tries to glare at me but she can't help but smile.
I still got it, folks!
My boss said he was going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it’s going to be me.
My wife was on the phone, trying to take a message when she asked me to get her something hard to write on.
So I handed her a pillow.
Man: Excuse me bus driver, do you know how long the next bus will be?
Bus driver: About thirty feet, six inches.
I often read dad jokes here and think to myself, "That's not funny at all!" or "Come on man! Another repost!?" or "Boooooriiiiing!" And then...
I press 'Submit'...
What’s the difference between a golf ball and a Mercedes?
Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 300 yards without hitting a tree
What did the Easter Egg say to the boiling water?“It’s gonna take a while to get me hard. I just got laid by some chick.”
submitted by
/u/fintechSGNYC [link] [comments] As a usual tea drinker, I decided to try coffee for once.
It really wasn't my cup of tea.
I just told the kids that they should look at the barges while in Paris
The boats there are in Seine.
I'm putting aside a little money every day to buy a trimmer for the bushes around my yard.
It's my hedge fund.
Flight Attendant:" Window or Aisle?"
"Window or you'll what?"
My wife took me to a restaurant that only served organ meat
It was offal
Whats the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is breaking the law, and the other is a sick bird.
I saw a brand new clock in the garbage the other day...
Such a waste of time.
I said to my doctor, "Why should I get the snip if I can just use condoms?"
He said, "There's a vas deferens."
As I was dropping my son off on his first day of school, he worriedly looked at me and asked, “How long do I have to go to school for?” Smiling, I responded, “Until you’re 18 buddy!" He nodded, thought about it for a bit and said...
“Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I’m 18, won’t you?”
His Holiness
Why does the Pope keep his underpants on when he has a bath? Because he doesn’t like to look down on the unemployed.
Why did the Wi-Fi break up with the router?
It felt like they just weren’t connecting anymore.
My daughter said she might want to study abroad when she gets older.
I told her why wait? There's a mirror in the bathroom.
Let’s not forget about Moses on Easter
He walked so Jesus could run. About 40 years worth, give or take.
My friend told me that he had been seeing elephants in his dreams."Have you seen a psychiatrist?" I asked.
"Nope. Just elephants."
Why did the stadium get hot after the concert?
Because of the fans went home.
I bought a new car that drives on silence
It kinda goes without saying.
I always start with a joke about a door handle.
It’s a great opener.
Why did Fred Durst watch all the Star Wars movies?
He did it all for the wookie
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