A Target employee dropped a mannequin arm today and couldn't pick it up. Naturally, I stepped inAs I handed the detached limb back to her, I looked her dead in the eye and said,
"Here, let me give you a hand." Neither she nor my wife gave me even a smirk. I am officially seeking emotional support from Reddit.
77% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 33% of intelligent people.
ThisA dad joke I like to play on my wife and kids, I will write the word "this" on something and then call them from the other room to come have a look at this, or ask if they've seen this?
The looks of pure derision and the eye roll I get is worth it every time.
What did Snow White do after she sent her pictures away to be developed?
She waited, hoping that some day her prints would come.
“Dad, can you explain how a solar eclipse works”?
“No son”
I just made the funniest joke of my life and this guy I work with just stared at me like I was furnitureI was carrying a carton of eggs out of the store and somehow managed to drop the whole bag. Eggs everywhere. Absolute crime scene on the sidewalk.
Some random guy walks by, looks at the mess and goes, “Damn, that’s rough.”
I just sighed and said, “Yeah… guess I really scrambled that one.”
He blinked at me for a solid three seconds, said “…okay,” and kept walking.
I’ve been laughing about it alone in my car for the last two hours, but idk maybe it wasn't that funny or it was just him.
Breaking News: Dallas Cowboys
Dallas Cowboys practice was delayed two hours today after a player found an unknown white powdery substance on the field. Jerry Jones immediately suspended practice and called the police. After analysis, experts confirmed it was the goal line. Practice resumed once officials decided the Cowboys were unlikely to see it again this season.
Yo, what up, I’m DJ Basket
wicker wicker
A math lessonThere were 3 medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake.
There was an island in the middle of the lake over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years.
Finally, the 3 kings decided they would send their knights out to do battle and the winner would take the island.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight.
The first kingdom had 12 knights and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food.
The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone was also preparing for battle.
Bur at the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight with his squire.
The squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing a meal while the knight polished his own armor.
When the hour of the battle came, the knights at the three camps sent their squires out to fight, having decided it was too trivial a matter for them to get involved.
The battle raged for an hour.
When the dust cleared the only person standing was the lone squire from the 3rd kingdom, thus proving the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other 2 sides.
What does LGBTQIA+ stands for?
There's no straight answer
What's brown, and rhymes with snoop?
Dr dre
This Dad joke really happened.I was working on a project with my daughter last weekend.
We had to clamp two pieces of wood together.
She said "Let me clamp it."
I said "OK, Jed."
Took a few minutes for us to stop laughing and get back to work.
The past few mornings I woke up to find someone dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch...
I don’t know what to make of it...
on his deathbed, a bald man made his kids promise to replant any trees cut down in the nearby forest...My hair is gone for good," he whispered, "but we must protect the trees so the forest never ends up as bare as my head."
His children kept the promise, and for centuries, generations of his family replanted every tree that fell, keeping the forest lush and green.
All thanks to one man and his re-seeding heirline.
I failed in that gymnastics competition and I have no one to blame but myself.
It was all my vault.
They say food can't call
But then, onion rings
Where do you buy a birthday present for your cat?
You order from the catalog
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Da brie everywhere.
William Shatner has purchased his last Nissan truck
"it's the final Frontier" states Shatner
Have you heard of the book “What I Did At The Cemetery”?
It’s written by Doug Graves.
Did you hear about the guy who baked himself into a giant French baguette?
He was in a lot of pain.
How much space do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible
I asked this girl out at the bank yesterday...
She said she loves it when men Chase.
A friend of mine attempted to mate a male deer with a female cheetah.
He was trying to make a quick buck.
I have girlfriends in many nations around this world.
Imagination, hallucination ...
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