I asked my wife is she wanted to go out to dinner tomorrow and she said yes.
I'm pretty excited to have the apartment to myself for the evening
I heard Celine Dion will be removing all the consonants from her name.It's a gesture in support of declining farmland in her native Quebec, Canada.
[Wait for it.]
I should never have exposed myself in the elevator.
It was wrong on so many levels.
Mother's Day has the lowest crime rate of any other day of the year
I think this shows just how many moms are out there committing crimes that can't that day
I lost 150 pounds in 30 seconds
It's not weight loss, I got pick-pocketed in england
Back in my day, you used to be able to get air for free at the gas station, but now it's $1.
That's inflation for you.
I admit it, I have a small butt.
It's a real assette.
A bloke down the pub told me his mate Jack was the inventor of hot tubs.
I said “Jack, who’s he
What do you call a naked, 4’10” mother?
A bare minimum
If you are a big soccer fan no way you would pass on it. A surgeon I work for has 2 VIP tickets to 2026 FIFA World Cup at MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey on July 19, includes a ride to and from the airport, VIP box seats and a pass to the winners locker room after the game.What he didn't realize when he bought them in January was that it's on the same day as his wedding.
If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at St. Paul's Church at 3 p.m.
Her name is Ashley. She's 5'4", about 115 pounds, a good cook, loves to fish and hunt and will clean your truck.
She'll be the one in the white dress. 💍
Someone hit me with a tuning fork
It really hertz
My wife asked where I was taking her for Mother's Day...
Apparently "from behind" was the wrong answer.
What do you get when you cross goat dna with human dna?
Kicked out of the zoo
How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend to his parents?
Meat Patty.
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
It’s pasteurize before you even see it.
What's a fat dads favorite construction vehicle?
A fork lift
Why did the fork refuse to fight the spoon?
Because it didn't want to stir up trouble!
My uncle wasn't just a locksmith. He was also a great mentor.
He opened a lot of doors for people
My GF didn’t like her dessert at the restaurant
She said it was very off putting
I told my friend a pun about construction
But I’m still building up to the punchline.
I don’t mind going to work
It is waiting 8 hours to go home that sucks
I used to lie about sleeping rough in rivers, but ...
... now I know I was just living in da nile
Why did they put the soft drink into a quarantine?
because it had the Fantavirus
Why do most people get married in the summer?
Because the bride comes before the fall!
The model prisonerSeveral years ago, Jim was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all the other inmates.
The warden believed that, deep down, Jim was a decent man. So he arranged for Jim to learn a trade while serving his time.
After about three years, Jim had become one of the best carpenters in the whole county.
Sometimes he was even given a weekend pass to do small jobs for folks around town, and he always returned to the prison by Sunday evening.
Jim was the definition of a model inmate.
One day, the warden decided he wanted to remodel his kitchen, but he didn’t have the skills to build new cabinets and a large countertop.
So he called Jim into his office and asked if he could take on the job.
To the warden’s surprise, Jim immediately refused.
“But you’re an expert, Jim, and I really could use your help,” said the warden.
“Gee, Warden, I’d sure love to help you…
…but counter fitting is what got me in here in the first place.”
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