Today, the US Mint will officially mint the last US penny and will no longer produce them in the future.
This makes no cents.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his penis. The bartender asks him “Is that a steering wheel on your penis?”
The pirate replies, “Aaaar, yes! It’s driving me nuts!”
Horse Walks Into a Bar…A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says “hey - i see you in here a lot. Are you an alcoholic or something?”
The horse says “i don’t think i am”, then poof - he vanishes like he never existed.
Now this is a play on words about René Descartes’ famous philosophy of “i think, therefore i am”, but explaining that beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Which one of King Arthur's knights designed the round table?
Sir Cumference
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike...
It's a vicious cycle
told my boss I needed a raise because three other companies were after me.
he looked all serious and asked which ones… I said the electric, gas, and the water company
What do you call it when a naked person sits down?
A moon landing
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart
Sounds easy but the process is painstaking
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archeologists believe if may be Pharaoh Roche.
Old fat guy walks into the gym. Sees a beautiful woman working out. He asks the attendant: what machine can I use to impress her?
“An ATM”
My wife didn't think I would call our daughter a silly name....
I called her Bluff.
There's a great Indian restaurant in my town, but they're very protective of their bread recipe.
The make you sign a Naan Disclosure Agreement.
My daughter said, “Mommy wants a horse-drawn carriage for your anniversary.” I said, “Sweetie, that’s ridiculous…”
“…horses can’t draw.”
I'm writing a book about all the things I should do
It's my ought-to biography
What is the last name of an Irish yes man?
O'Kay.
What is the difference between a well-dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? 🚴
Attire.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who...
couldn’t control her pupils?
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called "dentures"
They really missed an opportunity to call them "substitooths"
I got fired from the bank today...
A lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
So… if one chicken costs a dollar, how much does a half dozen chickens cost?
Buk-Buk-Buk-Buk-Buk-Buk.
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.
My friends dog died so to cheer him up I bought him an identical one
He went mad, "what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs!!"
I think the girl at the airline's check-in just threatened me
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?” I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
I overheard my Mum say the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex.I burst in through the bedroom door saying, "Can I have a new bike?"
Dad was very upset. But his secretary was surprisingly nice about it.
Yes, I got the bike.
I asked my wife if I'm the only one she's ever been with.
She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
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