I told a girl I have a Lamborghini. She got so excited and asked to see it
For some reason she got disappointed when I showed her my tractor.
My boy came home from the YMCA camp sniffling. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “The kid in the wheelchair. He roasted me AGAIN. He said my clothes were emo, I have a broccoli haircut, and then he made fun of mama!”
Kneeling down I said, “Buddy, we’ve talked about this….some kids are just born with a diss ability.”
Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for impersonating Sting?
He turned himself into The Police.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...
I have no idea what they are laced with but I've been tripping all day.
People think running a solar farm is lots of work
Fortunately, my sun helps me.
Guy sitting behind me in McDonald’s to the teenage girl passing him: Why can’t a person have a 12 inch nose?The punchline of course was, “because then it would be a foot.”
I cannot overstate how painfully unimpressed she was.
Never become romantically involved with a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
You really gotta hand it to short people... .
It's only fair since they can't reach anyway
People who sell A4 size paper are really poor;
they make no margins on it.
What is a bee's favorite singer?
Sting
What do you call a dehydrated Frenchman?
Pierre
What do you call a French man wearing sandals?
Philipe Fallop.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese
Who am I to dis a brie!
What's a chicken's favorite vegetable?
Bok bok bok choy
You should never talk to someone that leaves conversations on a cliffhanger
cause you'll never hear the end of it
I told my friend about this cool new swimsuit I got that's based off my favorite anime.
When they asked if it was a bikini, I answered, "No, it's a one piece."
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer
What do you call a pig with 6 eyes?
A Piiiiiig!
You know, most people don't name their son Lance nowadays.
But, back then, they named them Lancelot.
What Do You Call A Pessimistic Horse?
A neigh-sayer!
Can I get you a coffee ?
No, not really... it's not my cup of tea
Got hit by a rental car the other day…
It really Hertz
How ironic
The word hyphenated is non-hyphenated, while non-hyphenated is hyphenated.
I live next door to Dwayne Johnson and on the other side is a Hallmark store.
I live between the Rock and a card place.
Kellogg’s stock shot up over 50% after hours.
The only ones who made money? Serial gamblers
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