I re-labeled all of the jars on my wife’s spice rack.
She hasn’t noticed yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Going to Milk it a LittleWife asked if I could pick up a gallon of milk, I told her of course I could, it only weighs maybe 8 lbs.
She then corrected herself and said "no, from the store." So I got confused and asked "why would it be any heavier at the store?"
They say that having fish tanks can help soothe mental and physical pain.it's probably because of all the indoor fins.
(I'm nowhere near as sorry as I should be! 😹)
Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by putting it in water?
If it sinks it’s girl ant. If it floats it’s boy ant.
Due to a clerical error, my name is “Name”.
I’d change it, but I’m not one to name Names.
Why is a calculator so easy to use?Because they are
counter inuitive!
Guys I just thought of this. is it any good? I don't think my wife got it. I think it's brilliant.
At the party last night, there was a girl wearing the same teeshirt as me.
It was a tight fit but we managed
My dog gets bit by ducks at the park
I should know better than to take him there because he's pure bread
What do you call Big Boi and André 3000 from OutKast with a bad injury?
InKast
They told me that if I wanted to meet someone new, I had to go where the women are, and they were right!
The strip club is great. I'm getting lots of attention and spending way less money than when I was dating.
When does a regular joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
What is the song that Freudian psychoanalysts hate the most?
Forever Jung
I was trying to put a new hole in my leather belt, but i wasn't able to,
despite giving it my awl :(
Some old milk wanted to start acting
He was rejected because his acting was too cheesy
What do you call a very curious aquatic salamander?
An askalotl
Why do we only ever hear about the Babylonians?
I'd also like to know what the Adultlonians were up to!
What did Harry Potter say when he filled up his gas tank?
“Expensive Petroleum”
My social media algorithms are stuck on early 2000s actresses and deep sea fishing.
It’s very Jessica Alba-Core.
Why do we call the post “mail” and not “femail”?
It’s all Bills.
Did you hear about the Prospector who went digging around abandoned gas stations?
He was looking for Fuels Gold
Did USSR officials always write in lower case letters?
Because they are against capitalism 🤔💭
How do you make a water bed bouncy ?
Use spring water. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Electricity.My wife told our son not to play with electricity.
Now he's grounded.
I got my car towed today...
Nothing wrong with it. it's just cheaper than putting fuel in.
The astronauts who just did the moon flyby released some steaks into the moon’s orbit
Now the moon is a little meteor.
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