A husband is out in the backyard with his wife, who is busy gardening.He's feeling a bit mischievous and says, "You know, honey, your butt is getting so big, it’s starting to look like that BBQ grill over there."
The wife ignores him and keeps weeding. Later that night in bed, the husband starts making some romantic advances. His wife completely brushes him off and rolls over.
"What's wrong?" he asks, surprised.She replies, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
How does one define a Dad Joke?The short answer?
It’s kind of hard to do, but you know when you hear one!
The long answer?
Iiiiittttt’sss kkkkkkkiiiiiinnnnddd oooooffff hhhaaaarrrddd tttooooo dddooooo, bbbuuutttt yyyyooooouuuu kknnnnoooowww wwwhhheeeennnn yyyyoooouuuuu hhhheeeeaaaaarr oooonnneee!!!!!
I nearly dropped a carton of eggs while unpacking groceries with my wife but I caught them before they hit the groundI told her that I should be leading the x-men.
She said "why"
I said "because I'm professor egg savior"
Family checks into a hotel and father says “I hope the porn is disabled here.”
“Naw, it’s just regular porn, you sick fuck.” replies the front desk clerk.
What is a pirates favorite thing at a birthday party
da balloons
What do you call a hippopotamus that calls a rhino lazy?
a hippo-crite
Don't mean to brag or anything, but the cashiers at the grocery store are always checking me out.
Lol
My doctor told me I could have a stroke at any time
Now I’m a registered sex offender
I was reaching for a book then it hit me
I only have my shelf to blame
Why are most horses in shape?
They are on a stable diet!
I got booted from the coffee club
Because I wore a tea shirt
Can someone please tell this old man what tysm means?
Thank you so much
What be a pirates favorite letter?
Some one answers R, you think it be R but a pirates heart belongs to the C
My uncle lost all his limbs working at a landmine factory
I told him its probably best to quit while hes a head
A dog walks into a bar. The bartender yells, "Get out!" and shoots him in the foot as the dog runs away.
The dog returns the next day wearing a holster with a gun in it and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw!"
People from Taiwan are so obsessed with my blood.
Always asking if I'm Type A
What do you call a typo on a tombstone?
A grave mistake
I asked my dog what’s two minus two.
He said nothing.
What do you call a 1 legged Asian?
Thai Won Shu
A man dies and is so overwhelmed he asks St. Peter for a cigarette and something to light it with
It was a match made in heaven.
Mother's Day is the day in America with the least crime
That says a lot about how much crime is committed by mothers who can't do anything illegal that day because they are with their kids having brunch.
What’s the difference between a bad joke and a dad joke?
A backwards b.
Where’s the best place to keep your Dad jokes?
In a dadda-base!
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped. "Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs.
"Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"
I saw Gene Simmons and his wife at a baseball game.
They were on the KISS cam.
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