When I die I want my ashes pressed into an LP record
It’s my vinyl request
How many balls are in a male quartet?
Sixteen. One of them is a tenor.
what do you call identical boobs?
identitties ( • )( • )
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Best joke that I have heard so far, please give your honest opinion on it :3
a duck walks into the bar, and he asks the bartender, "do you have any grapes?" And the bartender replies "no", so the duck leaves.
the next day the duck comes back into the bar and asks again, "do you have any grapes?", so the bartender says "no, this is a bar", and the duck leaves.
so the next day the duck comes back to the bar the next day and asks "do you have any grapes?", and the bartender says "look, you stupid duck, this is a bar.
we sell alcohol. no produce, no fruit, and no grapes. if you come back in here again and ask for grapes, I will nail your little webbed feet to the floor. got it?"
so the duck leaves. the next day the duck comes back into the bar and asks "do you have any nails?" and the bartender says "no," and then the duck says "great, so do you have any grapes?"
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why did Beethoven eat all of his chickens?
When he asked them who's the best composer, they kept saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach..."
When my son came out as a girl, I told her she could not longer see me.
It's cause I became transparent.
Life of a Kindergarten teacherDeep in the heart of Texas, a kindergarten teacher was helping one of her students put on his little cowboy boots.
He had asked for help — and she quickly saw why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, those boots just did not want to go on. By the time she finally got the second one on, she was sweating.
Then the boy said,
“Teacher… they’re on the wrong feet.”
She looked down —
And sure enough, they were.
Taking the boots off wasn’t any easier than putting them on, but she kept her cool. Together they got the boots back on the correct feet.
Then he said,
“These aren’t my boots.”
She clenched her jaw and resisted the urge to scream, “Why didn’t you say so earlier?!”
But once again, she helped him pull the tight boots off.
As soon as they were off, he cheerfully added,
“They’re my brother’s boots. My mom made me wear ’em.”
The teacher didn’t know whether to laugh or cry… but somehow, she found the strength to wrestle the boots back on yet again.
Finally done, she helped him into his coat and asked, exhausted,
“Now… where are your mittens?”
The boy replied:
“I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots.”
An old farmer was woken up in the middle of the night by a strange noise in his tool shed. He looked out the window and saw three men loading his expensive equipment and tools into a truck.He called the police immediately. "I need help! There are men robbing my shed right now!"
The operator sighed and said, "I'm sorry, sir. All our officers are busy with a major accident on the highway. We won't have anyone available for at least an hour".
The farmer hung up, waited thirty seconds, and called back. "Hello? Don't worry about those officers anymore. I've just shot all three of them." He then hung up.
Less than ten minutes later, three police cars, an ambulance, and a tactical unit swerved into his driveway, surrounding the shed and arresting the robbers.
The sergeant walked up to the farmer and said, "I thought you said you shot them!"
The farmer looked at the sergeant and replied, "I thought you said there were no officers available".
Why should you always knock on the fridge door?
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
I run 30 minutes every day and if I miss a day, I add 30 mins to the next day. It’s been a total game changer.
Tomorrow I’m supposed to run for 3 weeks.
Where did the soldier go after getting lost in a minefield?
Everywhere.
A hog farmer looks out his window and sees that one of his pigs is missing its tail...He says to his wife "I guess I'll have to wholesale that pig."
"Why?"
"Because I can't re-tail it."
What is it called when a cybertruck drives off the end of a pier?
Dumpster diving!
Why does RFK jr avoid flying?
Because last time they made him check in his carrion
A joke that always delivers.Anyone who deals with new groups of kids frequently, this one works well.
"I bet I can jump higher than this building!"
"Nuh uh! Prove it!"
Perform a small hop.
They will invariably boo and say that was lame and that you can't jump higher than the building.
At that point ask "Well how high did the building jump?"
Some will groan, some will furrow their brows looking for a way to defeat your logic, but it always gives me a laugh.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just two but you gotta wonder how they got in there.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what they laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
My favorite Roman emperor stopped aging at the age of 19
Emperor Constant Teen
Did you hear about the criminal breaking into his own house?
It was a work from home day.
What kind of gum did the Artemis II astronauts chew?
Orbit.
I can't decide if I like magnets or not
They have both positive and negative sides to them.
My mother once told me: "One man's trash is another man's treasure."
It was a terrible way to learn I'm adopted.
top
