After my dad died, I visited his favorite park to scatter his remains. Just as I started, a park ranger came running towards me screaming, “STOP!!! You can’t do that here.” I asked why not and she said…
“You at least have to cremate him first.”
I’ve started a business building boats in my attic.
Sails are going through the roof.
Tell you what I know about dwarves.
Very little.
A young woman turns to the priest sitting next to her: "Father, may I ask you a favor?
"Of course, my daughter, what can I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electric hair dryer for my mother's birthday, and I'm afraid customs will confiscate it. Could you carry it for me through the green lane, under your robes?"
"I am willing, but I must warn you... I do not lie."
"With your honest and honorable face, Father, no one will even ask you."
At the airport, the customs officer asks: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The customs officer thinks this is a strange answer: "And what do you have to declare from the waist down, Father?"
"I have a wonderful instrument designed for a woman's use, but it has, until this day... never been used."
The customs officer bursts out laughing: "Move along, Father!! Next in line!"
If anyone here is thinking about getting married, consider the following before you do - On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
- On the other hand, you don’t.
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/u/brother_p [link] [comments] Dried grapes are in control of the universe
After all, everything happens for a raisin
I love eye jokes…
the cornea the better.
The dentist and the manicurist had a rough marriage.
They fought tooth and nail...
it finally happened. The stars aligned at the dentist today.
I was at the front desk needing to reschedule my appointment.
Receptionist: "How about tomorrow?"
Me: "Sounds good, what time?"
Receptionist: "2:30."
I locked eyes with her and slowly grinned.
"Are you telling me my dentist appointment is literally Tooth Hurty?"
She completely lost it. I've officially peaked.
I just returned from the National Condiment Convention.
It was wonderful to ketchup with old friends.
This Oktoberfest I created a monster when I dropped a hot dog in my beer.
Frank in Stein.
The shovel
was a ground-breaking invention.
A friend of mine called to give me the bad news about our mutual friend, Art, who had died.A friend of mine called to give me the bad news about our mutual friend, Art, who had died. I asked him what happened and he said that Art had recently been trying to improve his eating habits by becoming a vegetarian, so the other evening he went to a vegan restaurant. I asked, "so, what killed him??"
He said..."Artie choked."
I don't want to brag
I finished the puzzle in a week and it said 2-4 years on the box.
Peruvian owls hunt in pairs
They're Inca hoots.
I was going to tell a joke about provolone
But decided it was too cheesy
To the person who stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
A Mortal Kombat hero went shopping.Clerk: “Hey, how can I help?”
The hero: “No thanks. I’m just Liu Kang.”
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg?
Lim Ping.
I refuse to make puns about seeds.
Just sow you know.
Why does everyone assume Michael Jackson's kids are adopted?
We all know he just beat it.
If you can’t afford to visit Scandinavia, I have a plan that will help.
Start saving some cash, figure out when you’ll have enough money, Denmark it on your calendar.
Why did the optimist leave the horse farm?
He had to get away from all those neigh sayers.
What do you call a Chinese-American cameraman?
Phil Ming
What’s a duck’s favourite Mexican food?
Quackamole
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