Four math professors walk into a barthe barman asks: "do you all want a beer?"
First one says: "I don't know"
Second one says: "I don't know"
Third one says: “i don’t know”
Fourth one says: “yes please”
An armed man robs a bank with 2 CDs glued to his glasses. The cashier hands the man all the money and then says “Got to ask, what’s with the CDs?”
He replies “It’s my disk-eyes”
I was talking to someone about countries having low birthrates and snuck this in.Me: South Korea had the lowest birth rate but recently got theirs up a bit.
Her: I wonder which one has the lowest now.
Me: I'd have to look it up. I'll do it later.
Her: Do you know which nation has the highest?
Me experiencing sudden inspiration: I think it's the nation of Impreg.
Her not connecting the dots immediately: I haven't heard of it. Do they have a lot of people?
Me: Oh I hear they get a lot of visitors who stay less than a year but few permanent residents. I've been there. It's kinda nice. But some women hate it there.
She asked a few questions with my responses getting more ludicrous until:
Her: Ok, I have to look this place up.
Her looking at her phone: GOD DAMNIT!
Glorious.
Dad, how many people work at your company?
About half of them
Why couldn’t the sailor’s play cards at sea?
The captain was standing on the deck!
I asked for a seat swap on my flight to get away from a crying baby.
Turns out that’s frowned upon when it’s your baby.
Gloria Gaynor was hosting a dinner party for six of her friends at her home.
When they arrived, they panicked when finding out one couldn't make it. "That's ok." she told them. "I will serve five."
I bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday
As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
I’ve started a business to weigh very tiny items.
It’s a very small scale operation.
My wife says I’m getting fat, but in my defense:
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked suprised
Had to get a colonoscopy, guess you can say I had a
Cameron Diaz
King Arthur didn't like it when a new Sultan moved into the castle next door...
He turned it into a used Camel lot.
Why is 𝞹 afraid of water?
Because it's irrational
I was on a date with a woman who kept randomly interjecting our conversation with opinions. “They don’t make bedsheets like they used to.” “Quilting is boring.” “Duvet covers aren’t worth the money.”
Finally I said, “You’ve got to stop making blanket statements.”
Arnie, Stallone and Bruce Willis decide to make a movie about classical music composers…Stallone: I’ll be Beethoven
Willis: I’ll be Mozart
SCHWARZENEGGER: I’LL BE BACH
What kind of pasta do cats love?
Vermincelli
I told the police officer that I was the designated driver.
He said, "Fuck off, I'm the one driving us to the station."
What happened when Blue Beard sunk in the Red Sea?
He was marooned.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One turns to the other and says, “Does this taste funny to you?”
🤡
What do you call a magician who loses his magic?
Ian
What's a coin collector's favorite ice cream flavor?
Mint.
I was looking at my roommate dragging his bike into the bedroom so I asked "why do you need your bike in the bedroom?""I want to stop sleepwalking"
My 84 year old dad just told me this one so I thought I would share.
My mother washed my mouth with soap for making bird sounds
It was fowl language
What do you call an addict that's also a teacher?
A methematician
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