My landlord sent me a text saying we need to talk about how high my air-conditioning bill is.
I responded: Come by any time, my door is always open.
I accidentally sprayed Axe body spray into my mouth.
Now I speak with an Axe scent.
My son was just bornMy son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday... said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
What do you get when you drop a piano on a kid from a great height?
A flat minor
Tablets were replaced by scrolls, scrolls were replaced by books.
Now we scroll through books on tablets.
My kid hit me with this one todayWhy did the coffee call the cops?
It was mugged
What do you call someone who can't stop watching films with strong female leads?
A heroine addict
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they're not laughing now.
My son asked If you see an Apple Store getting robbed…
does that make you an iWitness?
If I am in the middle of the ocean and I jump, but when I come down I don’t hit water, what does this mean?
Island
My young friend was telling me that she failed her exam in Aboriginal music.Being the supportive father figure type, I took her hand and asked,
"Didja redo it?"
You ever heard of silent tennis?
It’s essentially tennis but without the racket.
To the person who stole my glasses….I will find you…
I have contacts!
I love my new hobby: archery...its great
but there are a lot of drawbacks
6:30 is the best time on the clock
hands down
What do you call a fart that is flat?2D
(Original joke by my 8 year old)
Did you hear about the auctioneer who had diarrhoea?
He was going once, going twice
I hurt my back walking like an Egyptian.
Now I have to see a Cairo-practor.
Help! My dog just swallowed some coins!
I'm monitoring him, but there's still no change.
A blue ship and a red ship collided at sea
All the sailors were marooned
What is a pirates favourite letter of the alphabet?
You think it would be RRRR but it's not ... It's the C!
I’m never eating goat liver again!
It tastes offal!
Pub.The worst pub l've ever been in was called The Fiddle
It was a vile inn.
What Mario and Luigi’s overalls are made of?
Denim, denim, denim.
For many Afghan immigrants to US, Taliban is not a problem anymore …
… but ISIS
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