What did the bra say to the hat?
"You go on ahead, and I will give these two a lift."
Dont joke about old people's ballsacks..
Its low hanging fruit, dude
How do you spot a blind person at a nude beach?
It's not hard
Bad dad jokes for my father’s funeralMy father passed away earlier this week and I am in charge of creating a memorial card. He was a huge jokester so I would like to include a bad joke on the back of the card. Unfortunately between planning the funeral and his death, my brain can’t come up with any jokes he has said like ever. He loved a bad or inappropriate joke. It will be mostly family and a few of his friends there, everyone loved his awful humour.
The best one I have come up with so far has been “Cremator? I hardly know her!” (He is being cremated). I fear it might be slightly distasteful or go over a few people’s heads, a was only 55 so a majority of his siblings are older, as well as his mother. I think most of his siblings would get it maybe. Not sure.
Please give me your best suggestions!
Guess who I bumped into on the way to get my glasses fixed?…
…everyone! 🤣
Sadly, the funeral for the CEO of Tupperware has been delayed.
The funeral home is still trying to find a lid that fits the coffin. The director is sure that the lid is around 'here' somewhere.
Me: Whoever wrote The Odyssey really knocked it out of the park!Them: Homer.
Me: Exactly!
What do you call a store that sells only bagels and donuts?
Hole Foods.
I wake up at 3 or 4 every night to use the bathroom.
That’s why they’re called the wee hours of the morning.
I got kicked out of the nativity play because I kept singing Nickelback
I guess I never made it as a wise man
What do you get when a colonoscopy goes horribly wrong?
A semicolon.
The founder of Levi's came from a long line of Doctors.
When asked why he didn't follow the family tradition, he replied, " it's just not in my jeans."
I took my wife to the theater to watch a performance all about puns.
It was a play on words.
I absolutely nailed my audition to play Quasimodo at Disney World. Unfortunately, they didn’t hire me…
I didn’t pass the back round check.
i was gonna make joke about wires
but it didn't connect
Apparently the Spice Girls are making a comeback…And it’s being sponsored by Old Spice.
Makes scents.
I'm really scared for my pet lizard...
My doctor said I have A Reptile Dysfunction.
Strangely, I found stir fry all over my bed this morning
...must have been sleep woking again...
Buffalo have been at Yellowstone for exactly 200 years today.
They're gonna call it the Bison-tennial.
What did the tree say when spring finally arrived?
What a re-leaf.
My son asked me for tips on how to pass his math test…
I told him to eat it and wait a few hours. It should definitely pass.
Our accountant joined every religion
It was the only way to maximize prophets
Meeting at the golf courseA man was playing golf and forgot which hole he was at. He saw a woman ahead of him and asked "Excuse me, what hole are we at?"
The woman replied, "Well, this is 7th and you're a hole behind, so that would be 6th."
The man thanked her and returned to his hole, but finding the woman interesting he decided to go talk
to her after a few holes.
"I'm sorry, but could you tell me what hole I'm at now?"
The woman smiled, "This is 13 and you're a hole behind, so 12." The man thanked her and invited her to lunch. She accepted.
At the table, getting to know each other the man asks, "What do you do for work?"
The woman blushed and said, "You have to promise not to laugh." The man promised and the woman said,
"I manage a tampon factory."
The man immediately fell out of his chair laughing. "You promised!" the embarrassed woman shrieked.
The man got up and explained, "No,
it's not that. I distribute toilet paper,
so I'm still a hole behind."
How did the armless baker prepare for baking bread?
She kneed the dough.
Why do cannibals not eat guys who wear socks with sandals?
Bad taste.
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