What is the most common type of doctor in Egypt
A Cairo-practor
[Warning 18+]
19
I was gonna tell all of you a joke about mixing Helium with other elements, but then I decided not to . . .
I knew I wouldn’t get a reaction
At dinner my date complained, “Naps? Sleeping in? Taking breaks? How are these actual hobbies?? Your profile said you were interesting!”
I calmly leaned in to clarify. “Resting. I’m into resting.”
What do you call a dinosaur that's read Wuthering Heights?A Brontésaurus.
I'll get my coat.
Just been prescribed some anti-gloating cream.
I can't wait to rub it in.
You know why you never hear any jokes about vacuum cleaners?
Because they suck.
William Shatners' new line of womens' lingerie has been tanking in sales
There were probably better names than Shatner Panties
A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink.
One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's 9 in the evening.
Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell.
His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams.
The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're almost there!'
I pleaded, “Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!” He said, "Repeat infractions?" I responded...
"Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!"
Did you hear the one about the bear?
It was a grizzly tale!
How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump said he did it and they all clap in the dark
When does a joke turn into a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.“Yes,” he said. “My Grandad taught me.”
“Good. So what comes after eight?”
“Nine,” answered Johnny.
“And what comes after nine?”
“Ten.”
“And what comes after ten?”
“The jack.”
When I was a kid we were so poor that my dad served a 1/1000th scoop of ice cream for dessert.
He called it a Milli Vanilli.
I don’t know how she keeps making blockbusters….
But Anne Hathaway.
Where do sheep go to drink in Boston?
The Baa.
My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files because I always have trouble with...
...emotional attachments.
What do you call a woman who lights all her bills on fire?
Bernadette
A guy goes to interview for IKEA...
The manager says “Welcome! Come in and make a seat.”
My job as a customs officer is really affecting my health.
All those seizures.
I call the day I left prison my period
Because a period marks the end of a sentence.
Do you want cheddar "and" prov cheese on your burger?
Or just provolone?
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it
I asked my wife to put on a Mandalorian outfit
I guess I have a Boba Fettish..
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