I was so proudMy grandson came to my house yesterday after school. I asked him what he is doing in (8th grade) math.
He said they were discussing the ways to measure things, ruler, protractor, etc. Then the teacher gave them a flip-flop sandal and asked them to measure it.
Grandson just sat there. The teacher asked him why grandson was not measuring. Grandson said he already knows how long the flip-flop is. When the teacher asked how long, my grandson replied,
"that's easy. The flip-flop is a foot long."
So proud of him.
My gf insists I bring a 12-inch ruler to the bedroom
She has a foot fetish.
When do cowboys become cow men?
After their barn mitzvah
I really like the word "wife"
has a nice ring to it
What's the worst part of giving a cat a bath?
Getting all that fur on your tongue
Snack joke. I asked my daughter what she was eating. Her: “nachos”Me: you don’t have to be rude about it. I’m just asking
Her: huh?
Me: I asked you what you’re having for a snack. And you were rude
Her: I just said “nachos”
Me: I know it’s not mine. I just want to know what you’re having…
Her: wha… oh… stop it, Dad…
Me: <smiles in dad joke>
What do you call a dinosaur who just totaled his car?What do you call a dinosaur who just totaled his car?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What kind of jeans does a ghost wear?
Just a paranormal jeans
You know what the problem with 'Low Fuel' lights is?
They're always gaslighting you.
A friend once said “You can’t go around saving everyone; sometimes they have to save themselves.
A Wise man, but a terrible lifeguard...
What do you call a dog that solves mysteries underwater?
Scuba Doo
If you are looking at joining the military don't become a fighter pilot…
it's a tankless job.
I ran out of clean socks. So I piled all my dirty ones on a tray, grabbed my detergent, and headed down a steep hill from my home to the laundromat. As I was descending, I slipped and fell, sending the dirty socks flying one way, and the detergent flying another way. So there I was...
Sittin' on the sock by the tray, watching the Tide roll away.
The doctor said my sugar was too high.
When I got home, I moved it to a lower shelf; it's much more accessible now.
I was so embarrassed when my socially awkward friend misprogrammed my vacuuming robot and let it loose during a dinner party.
The guy just couldn’t read the Roomba.
Did I tell you I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas?
There are only two of us on the production line. So I have to make every second count
My kids were playing Scrabble on the floor, so I dramatically stepped onto the board and declared, “To be… or not to be, that is the question!”
My son sighed, “Not another play on words…”
Lindsay Lohan returns to the big screen for a comedy where two pet birds reunite after being separated at birth during their parents’ quarrel…
Coming Winter 2026: The Parrot Trap
What did the German man say when he was asked if he’d like 5 Dolly Parton impersonators to perform for him?
He said “Nein” to five.
My wife ordered an insulated mug and is waiting for it to arrive in the mail.I picked up the mail today and she asked if it had arrived. I said, “Not Yeti.”
This actually happened. I got the look and she turned and walked away.
How do you send a soda to an astronaut?
By bottle rocket
My doctor told me he has to amputate both my arms...
I don't know how i'll handle that.
Large birds often get bullied because of how big they areYou could say they’re….
Ostrichsized
I was going to go to a fancy dress party as a traditional Indian woman, but thought it would affect my ability to drive.
So I thought, better safe than saree.
Why did the crab cross the road?
He didn't. He used the sidewalk.
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