A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.The bartender says, “Interesting pet, what’s his name”.
“Tiny”, the guy says.
“Why Tiny”, the bartender asks.
“Because he’s my newt”.
My wife says I’m getting fat, but in my defense..
I’ve had a lot on my plate lately.
Caveman discovers weed.... Caveman discovers fire....
Stoned Age begins…....
My wife said I could be an idiot sometimes.
I think it is pretty cool of her to give me permission.
I told my son I named my backups final_final_v2 ...He said, so they’re not real backups?
I said, no, they’re just emotional support files. :')
If the Easter Bunny’s favorite sport is basketball, what’s Jesus’s favorite sport?
Lacrosse
Does anyone know if Hawaii allows for very loud laughing...
...or is it just a low ha?
An old lady goes to the doctor and says ‘doc, I can’t stop farting. They’re silent with no smell, but I’ve let out 20 in the past 5 minutes sitting here’The doc gives her some pills and tells her to come back next week.
The next week the old lady comes back and says ‘doc, I took the pills, the farts are still silent but now they stink!’
The doc says ‘great! We’ve cleared your sinuses, now let’s work on your hearing!’
how are slutty cows shipped into the US?
through the Strait of Whore Moos
Who is in charge of vending and cafeterias for the Rebel Alliance?
Admiral Snackbar
What kind of whisky does a bunny drink?
Hop Scotch
What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon
The saddest vegetable known to man: a melonccoli.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
They said I was crazy to go swimming in the river while in Paris.
But actually I was in Seine.
What do you call a blind cheetah?
A heetah because, he can't C
Here's my best impression of a seal.
BABEH, I COMPARE YA TO A KISS FROM A ROSE ON THA GREY!!
What happens if you forget to pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed
A woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she says to a correction officer:"You shouldn't make my husband work so hard he's exhausted!"
The officer laughs: "Work? Ma'am, he only eats, sleeps, and stays in his cell"
The wife replies: "That's strange.. he told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"
My wife asked if my kid and I were having fun playing battleship
Kid: Eh, hit or miss
I saw a sign up in my local clairvoyant
It said closed due to unforeseen circumstances
Chlorine goes for a sleepover at Neon’s house.In the morning, Neon offers them breakfast - cereal, in a mug. Chlorine asks why it’s in a mug, and Neon replies:
“I’m a no-bowl gas, duh.”
So I guess Tiger Woods is going to have to rely on his short game a lot more now...
Since he obviously can't drive any more.
I visited a restaurant in Germany and ordered dry chicken
the waiter brought me three
Shipping for Clothing...A man from South America is in the US. He only speaks Spanish and doesn't speak a word of English. He goes to a Men's Clothing shop to get a piece of clothing he needs. Unfortunately, the clerk doesn't speak a word of Spanish. So they are trying to communicate by pointing, head nodding, shaking head no, etc.
He points at an article of Clothing behind the counter... the clerk brings over a shirt. he motions "no", and points again in the same direction. the clerk brings over a pair of pants. again he motions "no", and points again. the clerk brings over a pair of socks. Overjoyed that he finally go what he came for, he says out loud, "¡Eso, si que es!" The clerk replies, "well, if you could spell it, why didn't you say so in the first place!"
What do you call a Chinese man with an amputated leg?
Tai Wan Shu
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