I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159.
Then it just CLIX.
To whoever stole my glasses
I will find you,i have contacts.
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records...
Then the librarian told me to take it out
A Mexican magician tells his audience that for his final trick of the evening he will completely vanish on the count of three...He then goes "¡Uno!" "¡Dos!" ...and suddenly *POOF!*
He disappeared without a Tres.
A couple goes to a steakhouse for dinner.Server: How would you like your ribeye cooked?
Husband: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Server: Rare it is.
I asked my wife if she’d hem my pants. She ripped them out of my hands and snapped, “Fine!” I said, “Whoa, what’s wrong?” She said, “Nothing.”
I said, “You seam angry…”
A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husbands funeral. She said "Certainly."He stood up and said "Plethora"
and the woman said "Thanks, that means a lot."
There will be one more Matrix movie where an older Neo finally takes the blue pill.
It’s called Matrix Res-erections.
What did the two oceans say when they passed by each other?Nothing. They just waved.
Sea what I did there?
what was the dentist's favorite class in college?
flossophy
I listened to my friends story about how he really hated living in the 21st largest state and everyday is agony for him...
I hope somebody would put him out of Missouri
My GF told me she's leaving because of my obsession with health and safety.
I said, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."
You want to hear what my dog told me?
He said, “No one is going to believe you.”
The doctor gave me one year to live
so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy
It’s not like I did anything
My relative signed the Declaration of Independence, right beneath John Hancock
Then the museum guards tackled him.
"How did your complaint go?"
"Great. Can't complain."
Why does the married bomb disposal guy not enter a brothel?
Because it is a booby trap.
Last request
Priest: Do you have any last requests? Murderer sitting in the electric chair: Yes. Can you please hold my hand?
My dog is a mathematical geniusI asked him "what is 2 minus 2".
He said nothing.
Whats a billion bees called?
A buzzillion.
The Mortal Kombat theme is actually a song from a church in Finland
It's a FINNISH HYMN!!!
Why don't Reform Jews like vinegar?
They find it too Hasidic
Big hammers are all the same.
If you've seen one, you've seen a maul
I was recently told that I have great potential!
The detective said, "You are the biggest potential suspect in this case"
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