An elderly man accidentally rear-ended a brand-new sports car.
The young driver jumped out, furious.
"LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY CAR! You owe me $10,000 right now, or I'm going to beat you half to death!"
The old man looked shaken.
"Oh my goodness," he said. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son - he trains dolphins. He'll know what to do."
"DOLPHINS?" the guy scoffed, rolling his eyes.
The old man dialed his phone. Before he could say a word, the angry driver grabbed it.
"So you're a dolphin trainer, huh?" he barked into the phone. "Well your old man just wrecked my car. I need ten grand RIGHT NOW - or I'm going to beat BOTH of you to a pulp!"
A calm voice replied, "I'll be there in ten minutes."
Exactly ten minutes later.
...a Jeep screeched to a stop.
A man stepped out, walked straight up to the bully, and absolutely flattened him, leaving him groaning on the pavement.
Then the man turned to his father and said,
"Dad. for the LAST time. I train seals. Navy seals. Not dolphins."
Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint
Terrorist: "Say your last words!"
Dad: "Your last words!"
Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"
Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"
Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"
Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."
Terrorist: "What's a 'henway?
Dad: "About a pound and a half."
Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!"
Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"
"Son, did you know that if Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened?! Because..."
"Noble gases should have no reaction!"
My wife is divorcing me because she thinks I'm "too un-American".
I saw this coming from a kilometer away.
Eight senior ladies and Bruce Wayne are waiting at a bus stopNana , Nana
Nana , Nana
Nana , Nana
Nana , Nana
BATMAN !
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal...
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
My friend told me his mate Jack invented the hot tub.
I said, “Jack? Who’s he?”
In laughter, the "L" comes first
The rest of the letters come 'aughter' it.
My son asked why our car has a check engine light
I told him it’s the car’s way of asking for attention.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a tiny piano player performing on the counter.He asks the bartender, “Where did you get that little guy?”
The bartender says, “There’s a genie in the back granting wishes.”
The guy runs to the back, comes back furious five minutes later, and yells:
“I asked for a million bucks, and now the alley is full of ducks!”
The bartender sighs.
“Yeah, you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?”
I spent my entire life savings on pasta.
It was worth every penne.
What type of Jeans do ghost hunters wear?
Nothing special, just a Paranormal ones.
What do you get when you cross a dog with an ant-eater?
An aardbark.
My wife said our couch is too old and needs replacing
I told her to sit with that thought.
Where do bad rainbows go?To prism.
It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to refract.
You know a French kiss, but what's an Australian kiss?
The same as a French kiss, but down under.
I bought a piano, made from many bits of old broken old pianosIt's a Frankenstienway
When I perform on stage with it I shout, "IT'S A LIVE!! performance."
My friend was caught spraying graffiti at school. After a long disciplinary process, he got expelled, but he already knew that was going to happen.
The writing is on the wall.
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie...” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh for Pete's sake!" exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Two string instruments were having an intense argument. One said to the other, "You say you're a harp, but you sure don't look like one! You're too small!"
The second instrument snapped back, "Are you callin' me a lyre?"
Does the beach feel pain when the waves crash against it?
Yes. It gets hit in the Groynes
I asked a guard at a museum to take a picture.
It's now hanging in my house.
What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?
Walk him and pitch to the rino.
Son: Dad, I think I’m cooked.Dad: Hi Cooked, I’m Dad. What’s wrong?
Son: I burned down a building. Am I going to jail?
Dad: I think you ar son.
I just turned 40 and I groan every time I get up now
I’m finally a groan man
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