My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back.Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.
She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday.
I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times.
So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money.
A couple of hours later, I get a call from the jailhouse, it was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money.
I told her “so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!”
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my father crushed those dreams years ago.
He'd always say: "For you, son, the sky's the limit!"
My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing…
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
I’m thinking about having my spine removed.
I just feel like it’s only holding me back.
Sorry I couldn’t answer your call while I was at the buffet
I just had a lot on my plate
My reverse vasectomy was way more painful than the original surgery.
There was a vas deferens between the two.
I'm going to a gender reveal party.
But apparently I still have to wear pants.
Everyone knows Albert Einstein..
But have you met his brother Frank!? He's a monster!
How do they welcome new members at a nudist colony?
with a bear hug.
I bought a new wooden cutting board today
And it’s useless, the thick edges don’t cut anything.
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans!
A guy approaches his doctor panicking, saying “You have to help me! I think I’m shrinking!”
The doctor said, “Settle down. You just have to learn to be a little patient.”
Soccer joke
Q: Why doesn’t Ronaldo ever have to clean his room?
A: Because he’s not Messi
A man went into a building he'd never been to before to find a book, all he found were books on genital anatomy.
No one told him it was a pubic library.
I’m rooting for the West African soccer team to beat Colombia
But I’m afraid they Ghana lose.
What's the sharpest thing in the world?
A fart. It rips right through your pants without even making a hole!
I dated a girl who insisted we tear apart my Disney Pixar DVDs.
We eventually split Up.
Were all of President Theodore Roosevelt's speeches, by definition...
TED Talks?
What’s the difference between a cheap guy at a restaurant and a worker packaging silicone breast implants?
One’s a shitty tipper……
Called the Wildlife Hotline.
Was told to push 3 for Bird life, push 4 for Fish life, or hold on for Deer life.
Did you know that the Red October was the first Russian nuclear-powered submarine?
Sorry, wrong sub
How do flat earthers travel?
On a plane.
I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks.
It was about time.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer,
it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
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