I got asked out by five girls today!
I was definitely in the wrong bathroom.

Excuse me, where is the gender neutral restroom?
Thanks, I really need to take a she/it…

I went to a tropical islandz thinking I could find a resort there. Unfortunately, the island is run by cannibals.
Now they won't stop roasting me for my mistake. I am absolutely cooked.

Not saying I'm old,
but I was born before chickens had fingers.

My wife asked me if I could clear the dining room table before dinner
It took me 3 attempts and a substantial run up, but I fucking nailed it

An elderly man was having difficulty hearing in one ear
At the emergency room, a Dr. looked into his ear, reached for forceps, and pulled a blob out of the man's ear. " Do you know what this is?" the Dr. asked the man.." No" said the man. " It's a suppository. What is a suppository doing in your ear?" said the Dr. The man replied. " Never mind that, help me get my hearing aid back!"

Why did the phone need glasses?
Because she lost all her contacts

Found on a laffy taffy I ordered from US

Did you know? If you can balance a grain of salt on the edge of an extremely sharp knife....
It's a salt with a deadly weapon.

I took my kids on a trip in a camper van and all they kept asking was..
RV there yet?

The Tour de France is under way with all these really expensive bikes, do you know what they do with the bikes when the Tour is finished?
They Recycle them!

I was gonna tell a railroad joke…
But I lost my train of thought.

At the end of dinner, I asked my date if she’d mind bringing the wine and dessert to our llama picnic this weekend. She said, “I don’t know what that is… but sure.”
Smiling, I took her hand and said, “Alpaca lunch.”

I gave my friend a broken drum for his birthday.
Nobody can beat that.

You can take my fireworks when you pry them from my cold, dead hands
Which are over there on the sidewalk.

🇺🇸🧨🎇

What beverage do you drink for the Fourth of July?
Liberty (Liber Tea)

What state was Abraham Lincoln born in?
Naked and screaming just like the rest of us.

What kind of bees produce milk?
Boobees

What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow?
Blue Cheese!

My wife says that I don't respect her privacy.
At least that's what it says in her diary.

I discovered a tiny room with some fungi growing in it
There’s not mush room in here for a person.

I loved all the fireworks last night!
They were the high light of the evening!

Why are all mice Christian?
Because they all worship cheeses!