At dinner, I asked my date if she enjoys talking about the American Civil War.
She said, “Sometimes, but not General Lee.“
At one time, I was very poor. I couldn't even pay my electricity bill.
That was the darkest period of my life.
I'm tired, so I'm going to Romania...
...to book a rest.
What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?
Father-In-Law!
Two guys were loading a coffin into a hearse on a steep incline. After loading, they both get into the vehicle.Two guys were loading a coffin into a hearse on a steep incline. After loading, they both get into the vehicle.
As they start to pull away, the back door swings wide open and the coffin crashes to the ground and starts sliding down the incline, across the intersection, into the store front of a pharmacy and keeps going.
The driver races after it and chases it into the pharmacy.
The pharmacist in the back says "Can I help you?" and the driver says "Yeah, do you have anything to stop this coffin?"
Toddler arrested for refusing to take a nap
Harsh, but they were resisting a rest.
My buddy told me his girlfriend was 3 feet 3 inches tall.
I said I'd like to meter.
What do you call singing in the shower?
A soap opera
Most puns make me feel numb. However…
Making mathematical puns make me feel number
Vampires can be found in Europe but there's none in Africa...That's because holy water kills vampires and...
*They bless the rains down in Africa*
Two cats had a swimming race. The first cat was called "One, two three," and the other was called "un deux trois." Which cat won the race?
"One two three" won. Unfortunately, the un deux trois cat sank.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I have like 15 wooden balls already.
I was digging for dinosaur leg bones and I thought I had found one...
But it was a fossil arm.
A young Amish man ignored tradition and became the world's first Amish software engineer.He was one of the pioneers in programming voices for AI chatbots until the company had to let him go.
It turns out his AI voices were too hoarse & buggy.
People think being a waiter isn't a respectable job.
But, hey, it puts food on the table.
In America, if two immigration agents have a kid
Is that an ICE ICE Baby?
What would two termites order at a restaurant?
Table for two
I have a really nice step-ladder.
But I'm still sad I never got to know my real ladder.
What does a clock say when it needs to go to the dentist?
"2:30"
This morning I saw my neighbour talking to her cat; it was obvious the poor women thought the cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog...we laughed a lot.
Why did the transgender dinosaur only eat vegetables?
He was a her, before
Ditzy wife, in emergency waiting room talking to doctor, “I got here as fast as I could, please tell me how my husband is.”
Ditzy wife, in emergency waiting room talking to doctor, "I got here as fast as I could, please tell me how my husband is."
Doctor, "Doesn't look good."
Wife, "I know, but he has a great personality."
My wife asked me if I've seen the dog bowl
I told her I didn't know he could
Did you hear about the guy who tried to rob a bank with a statue?
It was a bust...
I was trying to come up with a good banking joke
But I lost interest
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