NASA is going to launch a rocket to say sorry to the aliens.
It’s called Apollo G.
I posted my resume on LinkedIn Park...Applied so hard and got so far
But in the end I wasn't even hired
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I accidentally drank holy water with my laxative
I’m about to start a religious movement.
The problem with eating pizza is that when I’ve had one I want another, and another
Its the Domino’s effect
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.
I don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day long.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
Sadly, the inventor of the throat lozenge has died.There will be no coffin at his funeral.
I will see myself out
Breaking News: Elon Musk & Bill Gates have joined hands to make a Penis Enhancer.....
They will call it ELONGATES
When can you never plant flowers?
When you haven't botany.
Why are libraries so tall?
Because they have many stories.
My wife gave birth today. After thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and asked “How soon can we have sex?”He glanced at his watch, winked, and said,
“I’m off in ten minutes. Meet me in the parking lot.”
I found out last night that Albert Einstein was a real person.
I was quite surprised, because I always thought that he was a theoretical physicist.
The government just shut down a farm after receiving a tip that they were splicing human and lettuce DNA...
Once on the scene they found human romaines!
To be frank,
I'll have to change my name.
What is black and white and goes around and around?
A penguin in a revolving door.
I didn’t serve in WWII just to see the world end up like it is today.“But you weren’t even alive during WWII”
“Like I said, I did not serve in WWII.”
I found out why Teslas are so expensive.
It's because they charge a lot.
A man assaulted me with milk the other day
How dairy
Yesterday I found a forgotten wallet. I wondered what Jesus would have done.
I turned it into wine.
What do you call a beautiful cow?
Adora-bull
I didn’t choose this job assembling lassos for local cowboys.
I got roped into it.
OK, I am not a good car mechanic. You can relax. You’re not the only one.
Other people are in wreck about it.
I don't like spending a lot of time shopping for underwear
I try to keep things brief
When planning a garden, what amount of space do you need for fungus?
As mushroom as possible.
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