My daughter finally started looking for a job. I told her there's an entry level job that people are dying to get into and you start with 3000 people beneath you.
Working at the graveyard isn't for everyone though!
What brand of underwear do scientists wear?
Kelvin Klein.
A hungry traveller stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchens where a brother is frying chips. "Are you the friar?" he asked.
The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."
Waiter asked me, “Sir, how do you like your steak?”Me, “Like winning an argument with my wife”
Him, “Rare it is”
Why is it bad to iron a 4 leaf clover
You should never press your luck
I cross-bred cauliflower with watermelon
and now I have an overwhelming sense of meloncauli
Why couldn't detectives find the person who killed a Green Bay Packers fan?
Because it was a "he said, cheesehead"
Doctor doctor, I've broken my arm in three places
Doctor : Then don't go to those places
Lockpicking is a good skill to advance your career
it opens a lot of doors
You: Ok ok, I got a good knock knock joke. You start it.Them: oh ok, knock knock!
You: who’s there?
Them: wait, uh…
Works every time.
I don’t know what it is, but female police officers are so sexy when responding to emergencies.
I can’t resist their siren song.
So, my pet mouse, Elvis is dead.
He was caught in a trap.
What does a house wear?
Address!
I'm thinking about getting a job on a fishing boat
but the guy doing the hiring said there's a catch
I have a Polish friend who has a job as a sound engineer...
I have a Czech one too...
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!
Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to infiltrate that dermatologist’s office.
They’re just too good a finding moles.
I went to the bank today, and started yelling how this bank has the worst customer service. The guy next to be says, "Sir this is a river."
I said, "I know I was fishing for attention."
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a harp.
When people asked what I was, they didn't believe me. I said, "are you calling me a lyre?"
What do you call a book club that’s been stuck on one book for years?
church
Five Ants rented an apartment with another five ants. Now they are "Ten-Ants'
Five Ants rented an apartment with another five ants. Now they are "Ten-Ants'
My son bumped into the wooden coffee table and scraped his knee.
I told him don't cry, he also hurt the table, cant he sees its in mahogany? He rolled his eyes but at least he quit sniffling haha.
I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia.
She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
Traffic CitationCop: You're getting a ticket for driving alone in the carpool lane
Me: You're going to feel really stupid when you look in the trunk
Do you ever wonder why people say they “slept like a baby”?
Babies normally wake up every two hours.
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