A snail walks into a bar with a girl on his back.The bartender asks: What are you?
Snail: I'm a snail.
Bartender asks: Who's that on your back?
Snail: Michelle.
Why is the word dark spelled with a K instead of a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.
My dog frequently helps me out when I forget things. This morning while I was in my car he came sprinting down the driveway. I asked “what is it today boy?”
Dog: *pants*
I felt very naughty making my pickle flavored bread.
I was squishing my dil-dough all over the table.
What kind of pants does a ghost hunter wear?
Just a paranormal pants
I've decided I'm going voluntarily mute.
I'm not telling anyone.
What's your opinion of people made entirely out of footlong sandwiches?
I think they're subhuman
What do you call sixty minutes of pain?
An oww-ur
I hear editors hate having to quote texts with errors.
One was heard saying "I'm sic of it all!"
I hooked up with an electrician last night. The chemistry was shocking,,,
,,,but she definitely knew how to flip my switch.
I once dated a girl named Demi...
But no More.
What room will you never find in a zombie's house?
The living room.
HAPPY INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY!
Sorry, didn't mean to yell
Can we all give a shout out to the sidewalks?
They kept us off the streets
Went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole…
He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.
The workers down the coal pits rarely have major problems...
...it's normally just miner issues.
When I worked in the Netherlands I had Eggs Benedict most days for breakfast. Sadly we don’t have it very often back in the UK.
How I miss my Holland days!
What’s the difference between a pun and a fart?
A pun is a shift of wit…
I live on Thebe St
It’s the best
I saw 2 blackbirds stuck together today....
They were Velcrows.
I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed
I went to bed 7 times last night
At dinner, my date told me her favorite yoga pose involves balancing on one leg, pressing her palms together above her head, and slowly twisting her body. “It’s called the drill, and believe it or not, I invented it.”
I said, “That’s a bit of a stretch.”
It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses.
A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded. Do you know of any others??
Ein 🇩🇪 🇨🇭 🇦🇹 Witz, Wünsch dir was....Ein Deutscher, ein Schweizer und ein Österreicher stehen auf dem Dach eines Wolkenkratzers.
Die Wunschfee erscheint und spricht: „Wenn ihr hier runterspringt, erfülle ich euch im Flug einen Wunsch.“
Der Schweizer nimmt allen Mut zusammen, springt und ruft: „Ein Heuhaufen!“ Er landet weich im Heu und geht unverletzt nach Hause.
Der Deutsche nimmt Anlauf, springt und ruft: „Ein Pool voller Wasser!“ Er landet mit einem perfekten Kopfsprung im Wasser und schwimmt unverletzt an den Rand.
Nun nimmt der Österreicher Anlauf. An der Kante stolpert er, verliert das Gleichgewicht, und schreit im Fallen vor Schreck:
„Aaaaaach, Scheißeeee...!“
I took my ghost buddy to the movie!
Apparently, he didn't like it, he BOO'd the entire time.
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