A man brings his Rottweiler into the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed is there anything you can do for him?”“Well,” the vet says, “Let’s have a look at him.” The vet picks up the dog and looks into his eyes. After a few second the he says, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down.”
The shocked owner replies, “what?! Because he’s cross-eyed?!”
“No, because he’s heavy.”
What's a different phrase you can use for anal bleaching?
Changing your ringtone.
An older gentleman was being tailgated by a stressed-out lady on a busy street.Suddenly, the light turned yellow just ahead of him, and he did the right thing; he stopped at the crosswalk to allow the waiting pedestrians cross. 🚦
The lady behind him lost it. She battered the horn, yelling and gesturing wildly because she missed her chance to make the light.
In the middle of her rant, there was a tap on her window. She looked up to see a police officer. 👮♂️
She was taken to the police station and placed in a holding cell.
A couple of hours later, the officer opened the door and said,
“I’m very sorry for the mistake, ma’am, let me explain. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and shouting cuss words I, even as a police officer, have never heard before.
Then I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday School’ sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish on the trunk. 🐟✝️
Naturally… I assumed the car was stolen.”
What was George Washington's favorite music genre
I heard he loved his country
A pun walks into a bar, and ten people die…
…pun in, ten dead.
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkled clothes?
An iron deficiency.
When do you know the medieval orgy is over?
When the knight has come…
The local farmer replaced his rooster with a duck..
.. now he gets up at the quack of dawn!
I just got a new dry erase board
it's remarkable
I’m old enough to remember when computers only came with a keyboard. Initially I couldn’t see the point of a mouse
Then it clicked
What do you call the belly of a woman who’s pregnant with twins?
A two bed womb apartment.
The guy who invented the Ferris wheel never met the guy who invented the merry-go-round.
They traveled in different circles.
What's faster than an escalator?
An escasooner
What kind of music do wind turbines like?
They're big metal fans.
A group of baked goods - rolls, buns, puffs, etc, about ten in total, walk into a bar. A mob of angry dads storms in looking for fresh dad jokes and completely wrecks the place. The buns manage to escape unscathed. Quite the tragedy, but at least..
No bun in ten, dead
When I went to the chiropractor, he tried to explain the entire evolution of the spinal cord.
I said, “Look, I don’t need the whole back story.”
I was talking to my friend the other day and he told me he doesn’t understand cloning
I said that makes two of us.
Sade gets seated at a restaurant with friendsA bald waiter singing opera style walks into the kitchen.
“What the hell was that?”, asks a friend.
Sade- “No need to ask, he’s a smooth opera waiter”
2 Blondes are building a house...1st Blonde... Takes a nail out of her pouch, looks it over, then hammers it into the wall... takes another nail out, checks it over, and throws it away.. she does this for every other nail for a while until the 2nd Blond notices...
2nd Blonde: "Why are you throwing away every other nail???"
1st Blonde: "Because the point is on the wrong side!"
2nd Blonde: "No Dummy! It's Blondes like you that give the rest of us bad names!!!"
"Those nails are for the other side of the wall!"
Why did the bee need glasses?He had aSTINGmatism.
My 6y/o boy that just got glasses dropped this bomb on me.
I got pulled over today and the cop asked if I know why he pulled me over.....I replied "Is it because you want to see how tall I am?"
He said "step out of the car sir"
See, I knew it.......
Sundays are always a little sad,
but the day before it is a sadder day
My wife's crocodile purse is gone
I hired an investiGATOR
What do you call a man who lost his car?
Carlos
I was going to tell a joke about a woman who only eats plants
But you guys have probably never heard of herbivore.
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