A miner is driving to work and gets pulled overThe cops asks: “Where are you going, whose car is this, what do you do for a living.”
The miner responded: “Mine.”
8 hours of sleep each night, perfect diet, exercise every day, mental health on track, zero alcohol, zero debt and extremely hydrated.
This was my peak. I was 8 years old.
It finally happened. The legendary Holy Grail of dad jokes occurred at the dentist today.
I was at the dentist's front desk needing to reschedule my appointment.
Receptionist: "How about tomorrow?"
Me: "Sounds good. What time?"
Receptionist: "2:30."
I froze, locked eyes with her, and slowly began to grin.
Me: "Are you serious?"
Receptionist: "Umm... yes?"
Me: "Are you telling me I have a dentist appointment at Tooth Hurty?!"
She completely lost it. I think I've officially peaked as a father.
Why are there poptarts but no momtarts?
The pastryarchy
This world has 10 kinds of people
Those who can count in binary, and those who can't.
This world has two types of people
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
What do you call a $2 chicken?
Buck buck
My internship in Helsinki has come to an end
It has Finnished
You’re paid how often?More than two jobs and as many decades ago, an employer set us up with a benefit and each of us had to sit with a rep to enroll.
Eventually he got to me, and went through his standard questions, some of them the same response company wide.
“You’re paid weekly…” with a pregnant pause as he knew the answer, and before he could start the next question, I responded,
“Yes. Very weakly.”
Why did the girl not go on a second date with the generous fisherman?
He gave her crabs.
I spent my life savings on pasta
And it was worth every penne
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
What kind of Doctor do you only find at his house wearing a pager?
An On-Call-ogist
If I owned a DeLorean
I would drive it from time to time
Snacks.I'm proud to say my house doesn't have any unhealthy snacks in it.
Because I ate them all.
Why can’t a T-Rex ever win Mr. Olympia? 🦖💪
Because it can’t handle ‘a steroid’ …
Did you know that 65 million years ago a lady named Sarah opened the first dinosaur blouse boutique
She called it Try Sarah’s Tops
When I was a kid I always wanted a Toyota
I had Han, Luke, 3PO, and R2-D2, but never had Yota.
What did baby corn say to momma corn?
“Where’s popcorn?”
My wife said her new gynecologist is a charming Southern gentleman. During her appointment, she asked if she needed to have her breasts screened.
He said, “Yes, ma’ammogram.”
My wife was in labor for 20 hours but we got the baby out
We just had to find a solution to the escape womb
What do you call a professor who's absolutely crazy?
An academia nut!
My wife says I'm pedantic because I take things literally
I corrected her, "No that would make me a kleptomaniac."
A recent poll on western culture, specifically Saturday morning TV, found that people in Dubai do NOT like the Flintstones.
But people in Abu Dahbi Doooo......
One day this normal guy whenever he farted, it sounded like "Honda." Funny at first, but the doctors found nothing wrong. A few months later while getting his dental cleaning, he kept farting Honda, Honda, HondaThe dentist informs the man he has an abscessed tooth. How do you know asked the farting man?
The dentist responded, we'll every one knows, "Abscess makes the fart go Honda!"
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