My son came home from school and said: “Dad, I got a part in the school play, I play a man who's been married 30 years."
I replied: “Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."
When my daughter was 7 years-old she once interrupted a bedtime story to tell me, "In a pie-eating contest, it doesn't matter if you win or lose because...you get to eat pie."
I think about that a lot.
Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon
After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.
Why do some couples go to the gym?
They want their relationship to work out.
I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He's a small arms dealer.
I wanted to write an encouraging message on a Special Olympics promo video.
But comments were disabled.
New York City is just a place of perpetual disappointment and irresponsbility.
They drop the ball every year.
A tale of 2 nuns
There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It was getting dark and they are far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way He cannot follow us both.
The man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrived.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!
I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them
Not only that but I can also tell if they're standing.
I had a girlfriend in college who demanded to know how pretty she was on a scale from 1 to 10.
I said yur an eight. So she did.
Who is the greatest bodybuilder ever?
Frankenstein
Somebody asked me if I knew a guy called “Quasimodo”.
I told them that name rings a bell.
What do you call a gaming console that was accidentally made?
Unintendo
When my daughter was a toddler...I was doing the obvious good parent thing and training her to use a small toilet I had bought her.
Only for some reason, every time she saw it she burst into tears and was absolutely unconsolable.
The second time it happened I'm holding her, trying to comfort her and ask "What's wrong honey? Why are you crying?"
And in between sobs she chokes out, "It's.. it's my... it's my potty and I'll cry if I want to..."
I had a date last night. It was perfect.
Tomorrow, I’ll have a banana.
I was getting lost in geometry so my teacher told me…
Just follow the sine.
Our local flasher Pervy Pete was considering retiring after 40 years
but has decided to stick it out for another year
Lions dont play golf...
Seems like tiger wood
A cop pulled over a carAs he approached he noticed a crow in the driver’s seat. Then he saw another crow in the passenger seat. He immediately arrested both of them for . . .
Attempted Murder
Satan and Jesus in a cemetery.On the outskirts of town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucket of nuts and sat down behind the tree, out of sight, and began dividing up the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. A couple of the pecans fell and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He jumped back on his bike and sped off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and Jesus are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The boy kept insisting so the old man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you were tellin' the truth." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anybody. At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all of them. Let's go get those two by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man, using a cane, had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
I told my dad I was cold...
He told me to stand in the corner. Apparently, it's always 90 degrees there
Why did the car have a belly ache?
Because it had gas!
What do you call it when you step on a lobster?
A crushed-acean.
What do you call a hippo who judges other hippos?
Hippo-critical.
I love my new kitchen countertops
I hope to never take it for granite.
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