Rofkar Computer Sciences

Sent this to my kids. Me: Knock knock
You. Who’s there?

Me. Hike

You. Hike who?

Me: Unsuspecting kids

Dad waiting with bated breath

Sets the perfect trap

At dinner, I told my date I was trying to figure out what her favorite hobby might be. She leaned in, pounded her fist on the table and yelled, “I MAKE JAM AND PUT IT IN TINY GLASS CONTAINERS!”
It was jarring.

Used to be a taxi driver. I left it because
I was tired of people talking behind my back.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his gf?
Clean his ass.

IKEA Murder
My teenager had to write up a description of a crime scene for a forensics class. I suggested a crime scene inside an IKEA, where a jerk manager was bludgeoned by an employee, using a vase or something that has a vaguely Swedish name.

My middle-schooler: Ah, yes. The Månkïllå.

Asked my wife to set up her dumbest single friend, Gina, to go on a date with my dumbest single friend Ralf.
Asked my wife to set up her dumbest single friend, Gina, to go on a date with my dumbest single friend Ralf. Gina shows up and Ralf says I like your blonde hair, is that natural. Gina replied: No, I wore this wig for our blonde date....how did you know? Ralph takes off his dark glasses and folds up his guide cane and says, oh, sorry, I thought it was a blind date.

A friend of mine makes Moebius strips for living.
It is a strange way to make ends meet.

I’ve discovered that all my pet peeves are either entomological or etymological.
Unfortunately, I can never remember which is which. And that really bugs me.

I've decided to sell all my Limbo dancing equipment for just $10.
That's the lowest I can go.

Why did the two vowels get married?
Because iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Will always love uuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! Wooooooooo! Will always love UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! ( Whitney Houston version)

I swear, if anyone ever steals my hairpiece again...
...there will be hell toupée.

I have to brag
I was at an art festival with my girlfriend this weekend. At a jewelry booth a woman walked up and asked if they had a claddagh. (Irish love ring.) The booth owner asked, "What's a claddagh?" Before anyone could respond I immediately said "What's a claddagh with you?"

My girlfriend laughed. I was so happy.

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun, but it took me a long time to find one that woodwork.
I think I nailed it!

If you accidentally drop an ice cube, just kick it under the refrigerator.
Soon it'll just be water under the fridge.

What do you call a baker with red hair?
Gingerbread Man

I have a major problem with Indian bread
My wife said it's a naan-issue, but I better curry up and figure it out.

My lifelong dream was to have beautiful girls screaming my name
But to be honest, hearing "Dad!" all day is starting to get old.

Why can't skeletons lie?
Because you can see right through them.

My wife is mad because I programmed her audiobook app to reduce the speaker volume after every chapter
and now I'll never hear the end of it.

I was late for my cosmetology exam
Had to take a make-up test.

I asked my husband why he was going to wash our daughter’s hair with fake dung.
He looked at me confused.

I said “you know…. A sham poo.”

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population?…
…Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin! 🤣

What do you call a lycanthrope who sells reusable containers?
A Tupperwerewolf.

What do you call a constipated condiment?
Mustard

I see, said the blind carpenter,
as he picked up his lumber and saw.