Why did Indiana Jones never meet his favourite band?
He ran away from the Rolling Stones
I was just convicted by two dudes names Jimothy and four guys named Jim.
It was a Jim, Jimothy, Jim, Jimothy, Jim, Jim jury.
Brake padsThis just now happened...
Went into O'Reilly for brake pads. Guy at the counter said, "What are you needing today?"
I said, "I need brake pads."
He got his fingers on the keyboard and said, "OK, what's it for?"
I said, "It helps your car stop."
My wife fainted onto the baggage carousel at the airport.
Thankfully she came around.
Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Husband - Are you having an affair with my best friend?Wife - What makes you say that?
Husband - He’s been miserable lately.
My son asked me "Do trees poop?"
I asked him "Where do you think they get #2 pencils?"
I went to a pun off last week. The first category was "Water Sources"
I lost in the first round. I didn't do well!
Someone just accused me of plagiarism.
Their words, not mine.
A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.
I can’t believe it’s not better
I was raised as an only child.
It drove my sister nuts.
My kid asked if I could help with his maths homework.
I said "Of course, you can always count on me".
After my first date with a cannibal, I texted her, “I had a great time!” She wrote back, “Honestly, the whole time I was thinking about desserting you after dinner.” I said, “Lol, well I’m glad you stuck around! Btw, it’s deserting.”
She replied, “Um… yeah, sure.”
My wife said: "That's the 4th time you've gone back for dessert! Doesn't it embarrass you?"
I said: "No, I keep telling them it's for you."
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts
Would 14 yrs old version be proud of you?
I am not here to impress a mentally ill child
I bought a first aid kit today.
I thought I’d treat myself.
Why you should eat a banana everyday?
Because they rot quickly.
I tried eating beef intestines but just couldn't
It was offal
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiots house.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The chicken you idiot!
What’s better than a dad bod?
A father figure.
Napoleon.
Okay, maybe Napoleon didn't design his coat. But he definitely had a hand in it.
My doctor gave me bad news about my chronic tendonitis
He said it had progressed into eleventitis
I competed in a sun-tanning contest, hoping to win a gold medal.
I got bronze.
As I get older I realise I don't look good in certain things anymore.
Like photos and mirrors for example.
top
