TIL alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there's an increased chance that...
...they will see you later!
My infatuation of the Beatles got so bad that I felt compelled to buy every single record that they ever made.
My wife said that I needed Help........I said I've already got that one.
A Canadian tourist in Australia gets hit by a car.He wakes up in the hospital with a doctor standing over him.
He asks the doctor “Did I come here to die?”
The doctor replies “Nah mate, you came here yesterday.”
My wife commented that I'm definitely not French the way I wolf down my food. So I asked her then what am I?
Without skipping a beat she said you're clearly Russian
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?
The only thing left was de brie...
My wife didn't like this one...(I'm the OC... My daughter called it genius, wife didn't enjoy it.)
My wife walks in, we’re all sitting there with tea and scones, pinkies out.
She goes, “Did you get the kids vaccinated?”
I said, “Vaccinated? I thought you said Saxon-ated.”
Why does ironing clothes make them shrink?
Because it de-creases them.
Why did everybody knew, that the funeral director was sick?
Because of the coffin.
Why didn’t number 4 go through the haunted house with it’s friends?
It was just 2².
To save money on fuel I took the mirrors off of my car to reduce drag
I've not looked back since.
What do you call it when a police officer quits their job?
A cop-out.
Master chef.I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised.
Australians usually boo meringue.
TIL the V formation of birds flying in the sky is called a "skein", also there is a scientific reason of why one side of the V is longer than the other
There are more birds on that side.
My cousin the tailor is in jail now
Its because of his criminal ties
A man didn't report his stolen credit card for months.
When asked why, he said, "The thief is spending less than my wife!"
Why do cows have hooves, not feet?
Because they lactose.
My wife said I am always messing up sayings. I told her…
I could care less!
Just started working at the bicycle factory this week…
They already made me the spokesperson.
Why did the old man take a pair of socks with him to the golf course?
Because he got a hole in one.
Why did the Chinese philosopher get lost?
He was Confucius.
Do not be afraid of a six month home renovation.
Those twelve months will be the most fulfilling two years of your life.
Did you hear about the new movie that’s mashup of ‘The Lord of the Rings’ and ‘This is Spinal Tap’?
This one goes to Elevenses.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.” Confused and extremely worried, I slowly opened the fridge door. The light came on, the beer was cold.
What the hell did she mean?
Sleeping on your side is much better than sleeping on your back.
I rest my face.
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