My dog got into our scrabble box and ate a whole bunch of word tiles, we rushed her to the vet and are still waiting.
No word yet.
What do you call a mouse that swears?
A cursor
I was dating a girl at the office named Lorraine…We had gone out for a while. A new cute girl named Claire Lee started working in our group. I really liked her but still liked Lorraine. After a month or so, Lorraine got transferred to another city.
It was fine. I can see Claire Lee now. Lorraine is gone.
My boss fired me from the auto parts store for stealing. I don’t know what his problem is. It was his idea.
Every day, he told me to make sure I take brakes.
At dinner, I told my date I was trying to figure out what her favorite hobby might be. She leaned in, pounded her fist on the table and yelled, “I MAKE JAM AND PUT IT IN TINY GLASS CONTAINERS!”
It was jarring.
I’m opening a funeral parlor for people of no specific faith and calling it
Die Agnostic Services
My wife and I decided we didn't like sleep, we hated having a clean house and didn't want any money to spend on ourselves.
So we decided to have three kids.
I can’t believe someone broke into my house and stole all my fruit…
…I am peachless!
What’s the difference between Elon Musk and a Lemur?
Elon made electric cars, lemur madagascar.
I am a Dad Jokes black belt.
Barista: "Can I have a name, please?"
Me: "Didn't your parents give you one?"
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
What do you call a bee that can’t make up it’s mind?
A maybe
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Cause they lactose
Sent this to my kids. Me: Knock knockYou. Who’s there?
Me. Hike
You. Hike who?
Me: Unsuspecting kids
Dad waiting with bated breath
Sets the perfect trap
My wife and I just started investing in Medical Marijuana.
The money we make goes into our joint account...
What’s the most popular feature on Targaryen life insurance policies?A dragon rider.
(Is that a new level of nerd?)
What genre are national anthems?
Country
What do you call a moose that everyone knows?
Famoose
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
Used to be a taxi driver. I left it because
I was tired of people talking behind my back.
I’ve discovered that all my pet peeves are either entomological or etymological.
Unfortunately, I can never remember which is which. And that really bugs me.
What do you call a cult that’s hard to get into?
Difficult
How do you make a joke come out more smoothly?
Iron-y
The sniper who has been hired to kill me seems to have fallen in love with me.
He wrote me a note saying: "I miss you."
What did the cannibal do after dumping his gf?
Clean his ass.
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