Did you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you, and realize how lucky you are? ...
I just did and apparently I won't be able to fly on this airline anymore.
Doctor, when I fart it makes a sound like “Honda!”Oh, you probably have an abscess.
How can you tell?
Haven’t you heard the phrase? Abscess makes the fart go Honda.
My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
Eating too much cake is the sin of Gluttony
But eating too much pie is ok because the sin of pi is always zero
Where do boats go when they're sick?
To the dock...
My Korean friend died yesterday....
So Yung...
My obese parrot just died.....
It is sad, but it’s a weight off my shoulders.
If you get get frustrated with your kids, try not to scream at them. Instead, do some electrical work around the house.
It creates an outlet for your anger.
I named my son IE.
I was trying to make an example out of him.
What happens if you don't chew corn while eating?
You get poopcorn.
I'm sorry. I know this sub is not for rants but...
A Catholic priest just hit me with his thurible for no reason and I'm incensed.
What animal can jump higher than a tree?
Any animal. Trees can't jump.
This sub makes me look like an idiot geniusA couple years ago, one of my coworkers brought in her 6m baby. As I was gushing, I asked, "Did the doctors tell you about her kidneys?"
She got a bit confused and just looked at me.
"She was born with four kidneys."
A short look of panic followed
"But in about 18 years, two of them will turn into adult knees."
Tony (his real name, cause it doesn't matter) bent over with laughter. Couldn't really tell that he bent over though, cause he's so short 😆
Fast forward to last week and I see Tony in the hallway at work. He starts telling me about he pulled off, "the kidney joke," with his newborn nephew and he can't stop laughing about it. So I say to him...
"Oh man, I bet you gave an excellent delivery, cause you're pretty much in the same situation."
He looks at me confused...
"You were born without shins, that's why they call you toe knee, isn't it?"
I got kicked out of a Vietnamese restaurant.
They banh mi pho life.
Two giraffes walk into a bar.
The zebra laughs and walks under it.
Anyone else here get mildly turned on when something suspicious seems to be happening?
Or am I the only one with afoot fetish?
Someone tried to sell me a coffin today.
I said that’s the last thing I need.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps,
But I’m slowly getting over it. . .
A man is walking slowly along the beach....when he notices an unusual glass bottle just at the waterside.
He picks it up and opens it.
To his amazement a genie appears.
"I have been in that bottle for a thousand years and as you have released me I will grant you your greatest wish" says he.
"Well" says the man. " I would really really like to go and see my sister in America but I am terrified of boats and aeroplanes,could you build me a motorway?"
" I certainly could" says the genie "but have you thought of the disruption and adverse environmental impact that all of that concrete and steel would have on the ocean. Is there anything else you wish?"
"I am having problems with my marriage. Is there anything you can do to help me understand my wife?"said the man.
"Do you want a four or six lane motorway?" says the genie.
Why should you never trust a train?
They have loco motives.
Why do actors say “break a leg” instead of “good luck”?
Well, if you break a leg before auditioning for a role, you get casted!
What did they call the first person to bake a pie?
👉 A pie-oneer.
What do you call a potato with male genitalia?
A dictater
Spoiler. My husband told me that if I’m knitting today, I need to use my largest needles.
Apparently, we’re under a small craft advisory
i drove 75 miles in a snowstorm to get a part for my computer.
it was a hard drive.
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