I told my wife our neighbor died. She said, “Who? Ray?”
I said, “It’s way too early to celebrate like that.”
What’s the difference between imply and infer ?
You never see a bear dressed imply
Someone said if you had a million monkeys typing away, you would eventually get the complete works of Shakespeare.
Facebook has proven that to be false
Today I learned: 'Politics' is a word derived from greekpoli meaning 'many'
tics meaning 'blood sucking parasites'
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline ever again!
My local tobacco shop closed down and now there’s an apparel store there.
Clothes, but no cigar.
After much debate, the moderators have finally banned all menstruation jokes.
That's the end of that period.
What's the difference between a sock and a camera?
One takes 5 toes and the other takes pho-tos
Inadvertent dad jokeShe: “Isn’t it strange that the gene for male-pattern baldness is passed through the mom?”
Me: “It’s all about that ‘hair’-itability.”
(Pun not realized until she started laughing, then I pretended I had planned it all along.)
Did you pick your nose?
No I was born with it
Did you hear about the restaurant that only hires little people?
They always have to close early because they're short staffed.
My wife complains that I never buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn’t even know she sold flowers.
I will admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive..
my girlfriend lives forty miles away
What do ATMs and addicts have in common?
Both experience withdrawals
My friend and I went to the new restaurant, Juan's Mexican Cuisine, last night. When our order arrived, I said, "I can't eat all this; there's too much."
My friend replied, l You can ask for a take out container and finish it later
You don’t have to eat it all at Juan’s”
need cow themed jokes!hiii!!!
I have a whole collection of cow themed jokes but I need more. Any appreciated lol.
for example:
What do you call a cow who's a knight in shining armor? Sir Loin
What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Tri tip
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? lean beef
(1 leg, stake, etc)
etc etc
editing for more that I know
What do you call a flying nun?
A bird? A plane?
Nope, nun of the above.
Why did the cheese go to the gym?
To get shredded.
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.
He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.
I started a band called “1023 MB.”
We still haven’t got a gig.
My dad set the bar too high for me as a kid…
I had to use a ladder to reach the liquor.
Why can't blind people eat fish?
Because its see-food...
I think I finally reached peak Dad status today
So I was out in the driveway earlier trying to fix the latch on the garden gate, and my youngest runs out to ask if I can help him find his lost Lego piece. I looked him dead in the eye, leaned on my shovel, and told him I couldn't help because I was 'busy working on my gate-keeping duties.' The silence that followed was deafening. He just stared at me with this look of pure confusion and disappointment, like he realized for the first time that his father is actually a massive nerd. I didn't even care. I just felt this overwhelming sense of accomplishment wash over me. It wasn't even a particularly clever pun, but the timing was perfect and the eye contact was solid. I think I've officially peaked. If I don't start wearing socks with sandals and complaining about the thermostat setting within the next week, I might have failed the transition. Has anyone else had that specific moment where you realize you've gone too far with the puns and your kids are actually starting to cringe?
I bought shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I used to be vegan then I realized it was…
One of my missed steaks
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