I’m auditioning for a NSFW play, but I don’t want anyone I know to hear my monologues
Those are my private parts
“Do you really have to lick the knife?” a woman asked the man standing next to her.Whoops! Sorry! Force of habit,” he answered, chuckling. “Lots of people do it though, don't they?”
“Yes,” she replied, “but not during surgery, doctor.”
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backward?
A receding hare line.
What weighs more a gallon of water or a gallon of butane
water! butane is a lighter fluid
Here’s my 1st year knowledge of Spanish. What’s the difference between a 14 year old boy in the US and one in Mexico?
The 14 year old boy in the U.S. is a freshman and one in Mexico is a señor.
A farmer was in the hospital because of severe dehydration
His neighbor sent him a card that said "Get well soon."
Did you know Elon Musk was named after Genghis Khan?
Yeah! Approximately 809 years after!
After my wife got in the bath, I asked her why she is in trouble?Confused, she replied "What do you mean?"
"Well", I said, "you are currently in hot water!"
I took the airline to court for losing my bags
I lost my case
What do you call a German cloud that refuses to rain?
Cloud nein.
My wife told me "You smell!"
Yes, I use my other senses too!
Doc with a Dad JokeMe: I ate 4 cans of Alphabet Soup today. Will it cause problems ?
Doc: Well, you may experience a massive VOWEL movement.
What has nine arms and sucks?
Def Leppard.
"Do you have any favorite books?""Yes,
1984"
"Wow, so many!"
Did you hear about the troupe of mimes who were arrested?
They committed unspeakable acts.
What do you call a bird from Norway?
A scandin-avian
I recently switched the labels on my wife's spice rack.
She hasn't noticed yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I once dated and then broke up with the Invisible Woman
I don't know what I saw in her.
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him move faster.
If anything, it made him a little sluggish.
Why don’t programmers like nature?
Too many bugs.
Some jerk stole my thesaurus like a jerk.
What a jerk.
The Grim Reaper is pansexual.
Death comes for us all.
I could never get good WiFi on my farm
so I moved the router to the barn and now I get a stable connection
I’m not a big fan of fishing.
I find it’s a real pain in the bass.
Was going to make a carpentry joke
but I wasn't sure it woodwork.
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