I was drinking a margarita and the waitress yelled “does anyone know CPR?”
I said “I know the entire alphabet.” We all laughed and laughed… well except one guy.
Which religion do seismologists follow?
They’re Quakers
Went to the doctor who diagnosed me with having a phobia of getting married. She asked me if I knew the symptoms...
... I can't say I do.
Sunday MorningOne Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque.
"Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?”
I have a friend who sings in the car, but only when I'm reversing
He's my backup singer!
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
A demolition man was tasked to take down an odd looking buildingIt was a ridiculous eye-sore, built with all kinds of materials and no roof above.
On the first day, he goes over to the northern wall made entirely of cardboard. With a few easy swings of his sledgehammer, he brings it down. He returns home, without breaking a sweat.
On the next day, he goes to the eastern wall which is made entirely of thin sheets of metal. It takes him a while to knock it down. Just mildly exhausted, he goes home satisfied.
On the third day, he goes to the wall on the west, built with slats of solid wood. It was no easy task, although after a day of hard labour, he tears it down and goes home very exhausted.
On the fourth day, still exhausted from the previous days’ work, he finally goes over to the southern wall—6 inches thick, and made of reinforced concrete. It did not give in easily. After hours of constant striking, a small part broke off.
With not an ounce of strength left, he looks up at the sky and asks, “Is this some kind of a joke? I quit!” and throws his hammer and proceeds to walk away.
At which point a voice steps in - “Whoa! You can't do that. That wasn’t in the—”
“Hell yeah, I can”, he turns and snaps at the voice. “I just broke the fourth wall.”
I accidentally bought and brought home decaf coffee beans.
My wife said they were grounds for divorce.
If two vegans get in an argument,
is it still considered a beef?
I told my wife I wanted to live forever.
She said, “Not with those jokes.”
I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house, having a bath when all of a sudden,
I felt a tap on my shoulder.
German scientists create new solid state sodium ion battery. One scientist shocked.
The charge timing is pending.
My wife asked me to put the baby down
I said “Your eyes are too close together, you are too fat and you are a terrible burden on your poor parents.”
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him.
The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
What do you call a Roman with cold?
Julius Sneezer
I went to the beach the other day and I heard a man screaming “help, shark! Help!”
I chuckled to myself and shook my head because I knew the shark was never going to help him.
All toilets in NYC were stolen.
The police have nothing to go on.
An Italian chef died today
He pasta way
Why couldn't the pony sing karaoke?
She was a little horse
My friend and I were in a waiting room and he asked me to pass him a pamphlet…
I was like “bro, chure”….
What happens when someone slaps u at high frequency?
It hertz
I don't like going out for Dim Sum...
It's always so hard to see what the bill will add up to
Some people say dad jokes are cheesy
I think they are pretty grate
Dad, What's a forklift?
Food, usually.
I was going to post a joke here about a broken air freshener
but it wouldn't make any scents
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