Did you hear about the Greek philosopher who refused to cover her breasts?
Her name was Aristopless.
I was flirting with the most gorgeous woman at the bar last night. At one point I told her "Believe it or not, I have the most famous last name in all of Ireland." She smiled and replied, "Oh really?"
And I'm like "how did you know?!"
Did you guys hear about the world wide sting operation on people who mix drinks?
Many of them are behind bars right now.
Shania Twain’s hometown just named a new building after her.
The Twain Station.
My wife is learning how to operate a bulldozer
I’m not going to stand in her way
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions."
Amish girls
I wonder, how do Amish girls know if it's a romantic candlelit dinner or just a regular dinner?
What does a golf caddy have for lunch?
A club sandwich and a side of chips.
Spotted an albino Dalmatian the other day
Was the least I could do for him.
How do Mexicans cut their pizza?
Leetle Caesars
my daughter asked me why ocean birds are almost all lesbians
because she sees all the "seagirls" but rarely hears about "sea boys"
What kind of bird can carry the most weight?
The crane!
I used to be indecisive
... but now I'm not so sure
I ordered 9 rootbeers
but they gave me 3 beers instead
How do you find a blind man on a nudist beach?
It’s not that hard…
Apparently Florida has been having some serious traffic problems.I've heard large Reptiles have been chasing cars...
damn tail gators...
A Greek playwright walks into a tailor's with a pair of torn pants and asks for them to be fixed...
The tailor says, "Euripides?"
Why does the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication?
for Hispanic attacks.
What is Pete Hegseth’s favourite animal?
Grey Goose.
What do you call 2+1=3 puppies?
An awww sum.
I told my plants I want to be a dad joke comedian
Now they're rooting for me.
A möbius strip walked into a bar sobbing loudly. The bartender asked, "What's wrong?" The möbius strip replied..."Where do I even begin?"
Daughter came up with this one: "what do you call a dog who offers help without being asked?"
a VolunTerrier
Too proud of this cringe
Was watching beauty and the beast with my wife and kids. My wife told my kids to "never marry somebody dumb like Gaston." I couldn't help myself and said, "what do you mean honey? Gaston is very smart. By the movies end he wins the No Bell Prize." I got the eye roll and everything!
I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience..."
"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."
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