In response to the recent mass exodus, have you seen the latest lineup of artists performing during the Freedom 250 concert?Lady Maga
Red Hat Chili Peppers
Magadeth
Impeaches & Herb
the Magas and the Papas
Earth, Wind & You're fired
Supertrump
I saw a guy carrying a long stick. "Are you a pole vaulter?", I asked.
“No, I'm German. How'd you know my name is Walter?"
Which game did Aladdin used to play with his pet monkey?
Peek Abu
Why did Aslan keep the Deep Magic a secret?
That’s Narnia business.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence.
8y/o: Why did the chicken cross the road?Dad: Why?
8: To get to an idiot's house.
D: ???
8: Knock, knock.
D: Who's there?
8: ... The chicken.
(I don't think he made this one up, but it made me laugh and I'd never heard it!)
You've heard of Pop Tarts. Why are there no Mom Tarts?
Because of the pastryarchy.
I was in court yesterday..My lawyer looked at the judge and said “My client is trapped inside a penny.”
Judge said “What?”
Thats when my lawyer looked her right in the ye and said “He's in a cent.
What musical instrument can be found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste
What's the difference between a cemetery and a graveyard?
The spelling.
Two kings and three queens came into my home, but there was barely enough room for everyone
It was a full house
On a roll today!I'm on a roll today!
Watching Frozen with the wife and kids.
Anna sings, "Why have a ballroom with no balls?"
Me: Oh! I know the answer to that! Its because it's not a secure location!
Wife: *dumbfounded look* What?
Me: Yeah, it's not very secure if anyone can Waltz in there.
Wife: "OH MY GAWD!!!"
Me: 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣
I saw a woman faint onto the baggage carousel at the airport this morning.
Thankfully, she came around.
Someone in my family group chat mentioned meeting someone who lived in the South Pacific and had eaten dog, which was considered a delicacyThe chat then devolved into everyone offering their favorite dog dishes, including:
Pugs in a blanket
Lab Rangoon
German shepherd pie
Chicken poodle soup
An everything beagle with lox and cream cheese
Spanielkopita
And, for dessert, Boston Terrier Cream Pie
What would you all suggest?
Just got my husband with this oneThere’s an IKEA desk I want to buy for my loft studio and am about to go out to get it. I lamented however that I will then need to carry a 24kg box up three flights of stairs. He said that when I get back I can pick him up and he’ll help.
‘But you’re heavier than the box’.
Thankfully he found that amusing.
At lunch, I offered to share my calamari appetizer with my manager but they politely declined...
HR was very strict about cases of Squid Pro Quo.
Why does a one arm man wear a wrist watch?
It gives him a second hand
"I love this apartment, it has everything I need! How much is the rent?"
"Sir, this is a liquor store."
Hey, what's it called when you kill Garry Larson?
Far-a-cide!
My friend's last girlfriend threw every bill in the fireplace.
Her name was Bernadette
In the old west, guns weren't just for hunting. They were also used to settle disputes.
They served a duel purpose.
Read out loud: What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One means something's against the law, the other is a sick bird.
I have a hot date tonight with the spinster May Tag.
I have a hot date tonight with the spinster May Tag. She becomes agitated and goes round and round in a vicious cycle, but I’m still her prinse charming.
A GUY DRESSED AS A “Wizard” said he’ll slowly turn me into a loaf of bread. I LAUGHED.
But now I’m starting to wonder
Donald Glover's former Italian babysitter said that he was super immature back when he was young.
He was a childish bambino.
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