It's been twenty days since I joined the gym but there has been zero progress.
Tomorrow I'll go there personally to see what's going on.
Two men walk into a bar. One man orders H₂O. The other man says: "I'll have H₂O, too."
The second man dies.
The doctor met with a patient to give some bad newsThe patient asked, How long do I have left to live?"
The doctor said, '5'.
The patient asked, '5 years, 5 months?'
The doctor said, '4'.
Why are there no brown bears at the north pole?
They're afraid of the ICE
I buried a bell way under my uncle Stan’s house years ago. I’ve tried to find it a few times but i don’t think my holes are big enough
I’m just looking for a deeper under stan ding
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Anything you want, he ain’t coming.
What do vampires and Gladys Knight have in common?
They are both Gladys Knight.
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulderThe bartender says, 'What an interesting pet, what's his name?
‘Tiny,' the man replies.
What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?'
‘Because...he's my newt.'
My grandad got home from the bar and found grandma in the bedroom with a guy wearing flares, sunglasses and platform shoes. “Why are you so shocked?” she said
“I told you I was getting a hip replacement”
I think I'll have to quit my job driving the pillow delivery truck
My boss confirmed, I'm bringing all my customers down
I walked into a bookshop todayAnd asked if they had any books on turtles.
The guy behind the counter said 'hardback?' and I said 'yeah, and they've got 4 little legs too'.
Which bottles cannot be filled with vinegar?
(the full ones)
Dog spelled backward is God.
The Lord is my Shepherd.
Walked into the kitchen and said hi.
No one replied, but the microwaved
I tell jokes in the shower.
No wonder everyone thinks I'm washed up.
It was sooo cold this morning(How cold was it?)
It was so old I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets!
Alphabet soupWhen I eat alphabet soup, I only eat the vowels.
Why?
Sometimes.
How many seconds are in a year?Twelve!
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…
You want to hear a joke?
Me too!
Did you hear the joke about the guy that forgot to make drinks for the party?
There’s no punch line.
Did you hear about the small cat who loved telling terrible dad jokes?
She was just kitten
I bet my son he couldn’t eat a whole can of alphabetti spaghetti
I ended up eating my words
I heard some chickens are planning to open up a video rental store but I don't think they're going to go through with it
It's just Boc Bluster
Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital?
The ICU.
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Their horns don’t work 🐄
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