Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
My son came to me and asked, “dad can you explain to me what is a solar eclipse.”
Then I responded to him, “no son.”
Which Disney princess likes dad jokes the most?
RaPUNzel
I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthesia.
He said, "Sure, knock yourself out."
Police stopCop stop: "You drinking?"
Me: "You buying?"
Cop: "Let’s start over...do you have a police record?"
Me: "Well, I really like Roxanne!"
my neighbour can't afford his water bill
I sent him a get well soon card
Three professors are sitting at a train station, so deep in a heated academic discussion that they don't notice their train has arrived.They continue debating until the conductor blows the whistle and the train begins to pull away.
Suddenly realizing their mistake, they scramble toward the platform. Two of them manage to sprint and leap onto the back of the moving train, but the third professor trips and is left standing on the platform, gasping for breath.
A bystander walks up to him and says, "Hey, don't feel too bad! Two out of three of you made it! That’s a pretty good success rate for academics."
The professor looks at the bystander with a look of pure distress and says, "You don't understand... those two were just here to see me off!"
Sausages shouldn’t have a ‘Best By’ date.
They should have a ‘Wurst By’ date.
If you lose your khakis in Ohio, it means you can't find your pants.
But if you lose your khakis in Boston, it means you can't start your car.
I came back to my car to find a note saying ”Parking Fine”.
I thought it was nice to be complimented.
What’s a North Korean defector’s favorite band?
Run DMZ
I don't believe there are any numbers higher than 79.
I'm an eightyist.
I got fired from my job the other day because I kept asking the customers whether they prefer "Smoking" or "Non-smoking."
Apparently, the correct terms were "Cremation" or "Burial."
There’s been considerable debate about whether you can or can’t hurry love.
The case will soon be heard by The Supremes Court.
I went to the hospital the other day and parked in a disabled bay.
A traffic warden stopped me and said "That's for badge holders only". I told him "I have a bad shoulder!".
I told my wife she was drawing in her eyebrows too high…
She looked surprised…
Next time you get a call from an unknown number, answer it by whispering...:
"It's done, but there's blood everywhere."
I have a bunch of jokes about unemployed people but unfortunately...
... non of them seem to work!
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful.
Why do obese people always win debates?
Because their arguments have the most weight.
Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off...
I think I'm being stalked.
Do you know what happens when you eat too many edibles?
You get a pot belly
The job interviewA gentleman with a nervous eye twitch applies for a job as a sales rep at a big American company.
The hiring manager studies his résumé and looks impressed.
“James, this is outstanding.
Top schools, glowing references, years of experience.”
“Normally, we’d hire you on the spot.
But this job is very public-facing, and that constant winking might make customers uncomfortable.”
“I’m sorry… we just can’t take the risk.”
“Hold on,” James says.
“If I take a couple of aspirin, it stops right away.”
“Really?
Alright, let’s see it.”
James reaches into his blazer pocket and starts pulling things out.
First one box of condoms… then another… then another in every color you can imagine.
Ribbed, flavored, glow-in-the-dark — the whole drugstore aisle.
Finally, at the very bottom, he finds a small packet of aspirin.
He swallows two tablets, waits a moment…
And just like that, the winking stops.
The manager folds his arms and frowns.
“Well, that’s impressive, but we run a respectable company here.”
“We can’t have one of our salesmen chasing women across the country.”
“Chasing women?” James says.
“I’ve been happily married for thirty-five years!”
“Then how do you explain all those condoms?”
James sighs.
“Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?
I just slipped on the floor of our local library
I was in the non friction section
My dad used to tell me that you can’t save anyone; they have to save themselves
Great man. Terrible lifeguard.
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