Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint
Terrorist: "Say your last words!"
Dad: "Your last words!"
Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"
Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"
Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"
Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."
Terrorist: "What's a 'henway?
Dad: "About a pound and a half."
Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!"
Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"
My wife is divorcing me because she thinks I'm "too un-American".
I saw this coming from a kilometer away.
In laughter, the "L" comes first
The rest of the letters come 'aughter' it.
What type of Jeans do ghost hunters wear?
Nothing special, just a Paranormal ones.
Where do bad rainbows go?To prism.
It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to refract.
My friend told me his mate Jack invented the hot tub.
I said, “Jack? Who’s he?”
You know a French kiss, but what's an Australian kiss?
The same as a French kiss, but down under.
My wife said our couch is too old and needs replacing
I told her to sit with that thought.
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie...” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh for Pete's sake!" exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Two string instruments were having an intense argument. One said to the other, "You say you're a harp, but you sure don't look like one! You're too small!"
The second instrument snapped back, "Are you callin' me a lyre?"
I just turned 40 and I groan every time I get up now
I’m finally a groan man
What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?
Walk him and pitch to the rino.
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
Son: Dad, I think I’m cooked.Dad: Hi Cooked, I’m Dad. What’s wrong?
Son: I burned down a building. Am I going to jail?
Dad: I think you ar son.
I bought a piano, made from many bits of old broken old pianosIt's a Frankenstienway
When I perform on stage with it I shout, "IT'S A LIVE!! performance."
I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.
I took a day off without telling anyone.
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...
They become VERY ANGRY.
When I visited Nashville with my daughter, I told her, "I don't think they have pickleball here."
She pointed at a nearby court and said, "But they do have tennis. See?"
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
My next door neighbour seems to enjoy my 3am drum practice sessions and likes to join in.
he doesn't have his own drum kit so he bangs on the wall instead.
I went to the local Ice Cream Parlor and the clerk said: “We have a special on sundaes!”…
So I said: “Ok, I’ll come back.”
What does Lionel Ritchie wear when he's home alone?
All nylon.
A teacher once told me that I'd be no good at poetry due to my dyslexia.
To prove her wrong, I sent her pictures of 2 jugs, a vase and an ashtray that I made.
What do you call a piano made from discarded pianos?
A Frankensteinway!
I love singing in the shower
Until you get soap in your mouth, then it becomes a soap opera
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