My 19yo daughter just dropped this on me: How can you tell if you're having dinner with a termite?
They order the house salad.
I sent my son to his room for saying Jim Morrison was a terrible musician...
Sorry, but we do not slam The Doors in this house.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé after he proposed?
Feyoncé
I don’t see what’s so great about the bottomless shrimp deal at Red Lobster
As far as I know shrimp don’t wear pants anyway
Why couldn't the pasta get into his house?
Gnocchis.
What do you call sheep rolling down a hill?
A lambslide
Did you know animals can go on vacation????
Where do sheep like to go on vacation ? - Baaaaahamas
. . .. I broke up with my GF Lorraine because I was seeing another woman named Claire Lee . .. .
. .. ..The good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone . .. .. ..
Why do Canadian cowboys have sticky feet?
Maple stirrups.
Did you hear about the two antennae that got married?
The ceremony was ok, but the reception was AMAZING!
What did the Roman emperor say when his female prisoner escaped?
Julius, seize her
Scientists found that even after clinical death a person’s eyes can still function for a short period of time
It's mostly because the pupils die-late.
You know what's worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles
The son came home from school a bit sad. Mom goes "what's wrong?" The son said "my math teacher said I probably need some new eyeglasses for math." The mom looked confused.
Then the son said "she said that it can help with division".
Some guy has been doing all the stuff on my To Do list...
Every single item says "Mark completed"
My Girlfriend is pretty rare
she's still pink in the middle
Bobby Flay has a sister who is also a chef
Her name is Sue
why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication? . .. .. ...
its for Hispanic attacks . . ..
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your X-RayLady : But I’ve never dated anyone named Ray
Doctor : And we would do a brain scan too
My dad told me the “jurasskicked” joke again…
Last time I laughed at that, I fell off my dinosaur.
You know what they say about gossip....
Could you tell me? What everyone's saying about gossip?
Dad: "Name a country without the letter R in it."
Son: "No way!"
General knowledge
The smartest guy in the army
A museum in Paris, France recently gifted the painting “Impression Sunrise” to the band Dire Straits.
When asked about it, lead singer Mark Knopfler said the band felt honored to get Monet for nothing.
I bought two books about decision making…
And I don’t know which one to start first!
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