I was breastfed until 3.
But enough about my day, how was yours?
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?”
The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
I met a genie once. He gave me one wish. I said “I wish I could be you.”
The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."
What seven letter word starts with egg and ends with soup?
CHICKEN.
Losing my hair at 29 made me self conscious so I have been wearing wigs ever since …
It’s really been a small price toupee
I read that the U.S. government is going to stop making the one-cent coin. What a disaster!
Millions of Americans will be left penniless.
A sheep, a drum, and a rattlesnake fall down a hill...
Bah dum tsssss….
Where do rappers keep their vegetables?
In the beet box.
Finally - I got an amused smile from my wife after a Dadjoke/PunWe were on a bushwalk today and for several dozen meters I farted audibly - perfectly in synch with each step.
I commented, “Fart, Step, Fart, Step, Fart, Step ….. “ Then paused and said, “I guess that makes me a ‘step-farter’”
(I am actually a ‘step-father’ to her adult kids, so it seemed extra appropriate)
She actually gave an amused smile, when she normally groans or refuses to respond. Finally - a win!! Yes 🤜🏻🤛🏻🥳
Why do celebrities always use the elevator?
To avoid the stares.
What did Zelensky tell his pet bird?
Glory to you, crane!
I used to have a car with wooden body, wooden tires, wooden seats and wooden lights.
But I got rid of it, because it wooden start.
Why do pirates were thermal underwear?
To keep their booty warm
Why was Sauron not as dark as Melkor?
Because Melkor was Morgoth
My sister is a bartender. She just broke up with her boyfriend..
But he keeps asking her for another shot
I lost my job at the bank on my first day.
an old woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
For now, I’m giving up on geometry jokes.
I’ll circle back later.
What do you call a waiter that keeps topping off your beverage?
Phil
Apparently the Mandalorian hates animal-based protein supplements
He disses the Whey
What do you call a Jamaican super hero?
Spider-Mon
I told my doctor that I broke my leg in three places..
He said you probably need to stay away from those places..
The other day I was out on a boat when a giant squid appeared and tried to make me laugh.
It was kraken jokes!
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a tricycle?
Attire.
From where does satisfaction come?
From a satisfactory!
I made a pencil with two erasers.
It was pointless
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