I swallowed a bunch of synonyms today.
I got thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
I bought a dictionary online. When it arrived all the pages were completely blank.
I have no words
I lost my temper at a Vietnamese restaurant, and they told me to never come back.
They banh mi pho life.
I never told a joke about guns...
But I'll give it a shot.
I don’t have a Dad Bod
I have a Father Figure.
what does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
a synonym roll
My kid has an unhealthy interest in really bad leaders from ancient history.
I’m concerned he could be Nerotypical.
I make prosthetic limbs for children on my 3d printer
I guess you could say I'm a small arms dealer.
Why are pigs dressed in black never bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect Goth-ham!
Saw my doctor about erectile dysfunction. He said, “You could try Viagra, or if you want something stronger, Cialis.”
I said, “Hmm… show me a picture of Alice first.”
What's God's Favorite chord?
Gsus
I am a bisexual with lesbian parents…
So I guess you could say I’m 50% Gay on my mother’s side.
The car that’s least likely to hit a tree when driving through Colorado?
A Dodge Aspen.
Two guys are robbing a liquor store. One of them asks he other "is this whiskey?"
The other one says : yeah, but it's not as wisky as wobbing a bank
Vegan: The chicken you're eating had a family.
Me: That's why I ordered the family bucket, no-one gets left behind.
My neighbor told me I'm abusing the word "literally."
I literally exploded.
Who’s the coolest god in Greek mythology?
I think it’s Hades. Heard people are dying to see him
Why was the executioner fired from his job?
He lost his head
I tried to return the bread my Jewish friend gave me but she absolutely refused to accept itShe just kept singing "I ain't no Challah-back girl!"
Happy Rosh Hashanah to those who celebrate!
I find I always have to rush when I cook with herbs…
because I never have enough thyme.
I had plans on making alligator for dinner and now I can't.
I only have a croc pot.
If you boil a potful of funny bones
do you get a laughing stock?
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight, unless…
…you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions. 🤣
I can’t understand why skydiving is so expensive.
It’s supposed to be a free fall!
What do you call it when George is next in line for the shower?
George Washing Turn.
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