Fight with my wifeMy wife asked me, “Did you eat the last piece of cake in the refrigerator?” I said, “No, I ate it in the living room.”
And, that’s how the fight started
Police Officer: "Why are you driving around with a book in your hands?"
Driver: "It's a long story..."
I can cut wood just by looking at it!
Maybe hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes!
I want a gun that shoots out wooden benches, instead of bullets.
I'd walk into a church with no seating and be like: pew pew pew. pew pew. pew pew pew
My wife asked for help as her car was broken down as the engine was flooded. I said where is the car now?
She said, it's in the Lake.
I told my friend it looked like she’d been gardening topless recently. She said, “Wow… what gave it away?”
I said, “It’s pretty obvious you got breast in plants.”
I think I might be allergic to the new espresso machine.
Every time I use it, it makes me a little coughy.
Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?
Because he had a reptile dysfunction
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office……I will find you.
You have my Word, and I Excel at tracking down thieves.
My wife Lee asked me if I was having trouble hearing in my left ear.
Yes I'm definitely
I’m really having a rough time breaking my addiction to old sitcoms.
I’ve decided to just take it One Day At A Time.
An atom walks into a barBartender: hey atom, you don’t look very happy today.
Atom: I lost an electron
Bartender: are you sure?
Atom: I am positive!
What’s your best dog related dadjoke?It can be other pet or animal related jokes too.
My neighbor named his dog 5 miles so he can say he walks 5 miles everyday.
Well today, I accidentally drove over 5 miles…
What are your others?
One vintage joke about a very old manThree Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
During dinner, I asked my date from a small town in Alabama if she’d ever watched anime.
Her face lit up. “Oh yeah! I used to babysit her all the time!”
I thought it would lighten the mood to tell dad jokes at the funeral.
But apparently he can’t hear me anymore.
My Bluetooth speaker wasn’t working, so I threw it into the lake.
Now its syncing
Towed for a handicap of 7 at the golf course
I tried parking in one of the handicapped parking spots at the golf course, but they towed my car! Now, I have a handicap of 7, so I want to know how high your handicap has to be to park there...
I was told that I shouldn't double-dip my breadsticks.
So I made a snap decision.
the antiproton asks the antielectron:
"what's the antimatter with you?"
Anyone else hear the news about the man who killed most of the chickens on a farm?
He's being charged with murder most fowl.
I write a lot of my jokes on my iphone...
but it's always fucking up the lunch line.
Yeah your sword is great
But mine will always be a little grater
Got pulled over by the policeI was late for work and I got pulled over for going over the speed limit,
the cop asks if I've got a police record
"yeah I've got Walking on the Moon!?"
Rabbits are very good at mathematics.
They multiply faster than anyone else.
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