Somebody told me the clothes I’m wearing are gay.
I was like, “well yeah, they just came out of the closet this morning!”
RIPIts with great sadness i have to announce the death of dad joke regular poster Gavin, who has passed away following a sudden and severe attack of indigestion.
The rumours are true......Gav is gone!
My father was a conjoined twin.
His brother was my uncle on my father's side, once removed.
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day
teach a man to fish, he'll waste hundreds of dollars on equipment he'll only use a few times a year.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They’d crack each other up.
I just dropped my iPhone in the lake.
Now it's syncing.
My mother doesn't trust my father's secretary. I asked why
"I've seen her type before" she said.
A priest, a Baptist minister and a rabbit walk intothe Red Cross to donate blood.
The nurse asks, do you know your blood type?
The rabbit says, i'm probably a Type O
What do you call an apprentice Jedi?
A wookie.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
nobody nose!
My dad would never eat eggs Benedict at a restaurant because…
There’s no place like home for the hollandaise.
What do you call four Muslim scholars
Fourmulla
Why doesn’t the photon carry luggage?
Because it’s traveling light.
My wife and I had been arguing about what color to paint our bedroomI wanted red, but she wanted white. We kept arguing to the point that we had to delay the project for days now.
This morning, she had to leave suddenly for an urgent business. She said she won't be back until tomorrow, so I decided to just go ahead and paint the bedroom. However, she expected that and hid all the brushes and rollers.
In my frustration, I decided to just use my hand directly. Little did I know that her urgent business was a lie. She had been hiding in the house and caught me red-handed.
I matched with a woman who had no arms or legs. For our first date, we agreed that I could pick her up at 8.
By the end of the night, my arms were exhausted.
What's the correlation between day old chili and ancient Egypt?
I don't really know, but I've heard they both have a toot in common.
When I was in college, I was president of the university fencing club.
I mentioned this to a friend, and he said, "Wow, I knew we had a crime problem on campus, but I didn't know it was that organized!"
Three men die in a car accident on Christmas EveThree men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy".
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
The third man answered "They're Carol's."
Three animals walk into a bar, but only two get ID'd by the bouncer.
He was ignoring the elephant in the room.
What do you say when a hydra race is close as they approach the finish line?
They're neck and neck and neck and neck and neck and neck . . .
It doesn't make sense for people to pirate music
Most sea shanties are in the public domain
There's evil afoot.
More specifically, someone's out there breaking people's legs.
My friend Tony asked me not to spell his name backwards
I asked him y not
Why did the vampire buy the entire supply of cough drops?
Because he was coffin every day!
What do you call a whale with one side?
A Moby-us strip
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