I knew a guy who was arrested for stealing hay.
Unfortunately, he couldn’t make bale.
At dinner, I told my date, “Jeez, I am freezing!” She said, “I’ll go ask if they have a space heater.”
I said, “No thanks, I need something for down here.”
I met a witch for the first time today, but I think I'd seen her black kitten before.
He seemed a little familiar.
A farmer asked his horse if it had stolen his thesaurus...
The horse said, "no."
Win today
I have 2 stepdaughters and a biological son with my wife. Today I won a silly event at a show dinner in front of my kids. It was so stupid (bucket brigade) but it was in front of them. My son and youngest stepdaughter were so proud to see daddy win. It was a really cool feeling with them especially my son. Something I’m still riding high on. I don’t really have anyone to share this with so figured I would here. My son hasn’t stopped talking about watching daddy win and I’m a very happy man.
Why isn’t Jonathan Ross very good at Star Wars impressions?
He’s a Wookie
Einstein came up with a theory about space.
And it was about time, too.
I met my future wife in the glue factory where we both worked.
We bonded immediately.
Watch out for the Asexuals
you won’t see them coming.
What did the blacksmith do after he farted?
Smelt it
Did you guys hear about the politician that wants to ban shredded cheese?
They want to make America grate again.
What sounds do witches make when they eat cereal?
Snap, CACKLE, and pop.
What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away?
A receding hare line.
At the age of 95, my grandfather Gerald from Yorkshire is still a prolific footballer. He has scored 3 times in every match this season.
We call him Gerry 'at trick.
Why should you never take the stairs in a library?
Way too many stories!
On the one hand I broke a finger today.
On the other hand, I am fine.
A beautiful girl stole my heart.
Now give it back.
I’m looking forward to watching the World Origami Championship.
It’s on paper view
Why didn't the fisherman listen to the shipping forecast?
He thought it was hake news.
Blond skipping home from school
Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
“Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, It's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, It's because you're blonde."
The next day Jenny came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24.”
What’s a parachutist’s favourite herb?
Ground cumin
What has more lives than a cat? A frog, they croak every day.
I’ve got a dog that will only eat shellfish.
It’s a Cockle Spaniel.
The executioner explained my hanging to me in great detail.
I said, “Thanks for keeping me in the loop.”
What sound does a French narcissist make when they blow you a kiss?
“Moi~ ;)”
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