An old lady goes to the doctor and says ‘doc, I can’t stop farting. They’re silent with no smell, but I’ve let out 20 in the past 5 minutes sitting here’The doc gives her some pills and tells her to come back next week.
The next week the old lady comes back and says ‘doc, I took the pills, the farts are still silent but now they stink!’
The doc says ‘great! We’ve cleared your sinuses, now let’s work on your hearing!’
how are slutty cows shipped into the US?
through the Strait of Whore Moos
What do you call a blind cheetah?
A heetah because, he can't C
A woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she says to a correction officer:"You shouldn't make my husband work so hard he's exhausted!"
The officer laughs: "Work? Ma'am, he only eats, sleeps, and stays in his cell"
The wife replies: "That's strange.. he told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"
So I guess Tiger Woods is going to have to rely on his short game a lot more now...
Since he obviously can't drive any more.
What do you call a Chinese man with an amputated leg?
Tai Wan Shu
Confucius says
Man who walks sideways through a turnstile in Thailand going to Bangkok.
What happens if you forget to pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed
I don't like people who take drugs...
For example, airport security.
Always use a credit card when buying any type of battery…That’s not for tracking or record-keeping purposes.
It’s simply that batteries work best when they’re charged.
(The above advice comes free of charge. You’re welcome.)
I'm not very strong on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday.
Those are my weak days.
My chiropractor told me I have bad posture and I’m always slouching. I told him I disagree.
That’s just my standpoint.
Why didn't aliens come to earth?
They turned around at Uranus because of the smell.
"I’m in a new documentary on extreme hoarders." "Any spoilers?"
"No - I won’t give anything away.”
Giraffe.I read that giraffes can grow up to 18 feet.
The ones I've seen only had four.
Did you know the kool-aid man had to break through a wall of straw, a wall of wood, and a wall of plaster before he got through the brick wall and said Oh-Yeah! to the audience?That’s right, he was breaking the fourth wall.
OH YEAH!!!
How did the chicken feel after a long day on the farm?She was absolutely eggs-hausted from all the work.
She really needed to hit the hay and rest her wings.
My wife told me to stop singing Monkees songsShe says I'm a bad singer and it gets really annoying. At first I thought she was kidding....
But then I saw her face!
I thought physical therapy was a big scam until I finally went to one for my lower back
I stand corrected
What genre of music do all national anthems fall into?
Country music.
What rock group has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore. . .
I said to my son, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." He asked, "Is it for a clock?" I answered...
"I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"
What types of birds stick together?
Vel-crows
“Dad, why don’t eggs tell jokes?”
Because they’d crack each other up.
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