What do you call a man in the water with no arms and no legs?
Bob.
My brother just quit his job as lawyer to become a dog breeder...
He prefers boxers over briefs.
Dad jokes can be NSFW. And i'm gonna say why.
Why
What is it called when you forget to put the pizza sauce on a pizza ?
A Marin-error.
Old McDonald had a calculator
01313
What generation was Forrest Gump?
Gen-A
Did you know if you go to bed in full armor…
It’s the best way to get a full knight’s sleep
I went to my professors funeral, stood next to the casket and said:
"So, who's thinking outside of the box now, Professor Miller?"
You have 2 wolves inside you
Mozart had 7 or 8 wolves inside him. That's why they called him Wolfgang.
My son came up to me at the beach, upset. He said his sister was teasing him because she had five buckets and he only had two.
I knelt down and said, “The amount she brought doesn’t matter, son. It’s pails in comparison.”
My wife asked me if I had any Q tips….
I told her I usually make the O first then put the line on it diagonally
I really wanted a new pullover sweater for my birthday
But all I got was a card again.
Why do bugs have odd religious beliefs?
They are in-sects.
My son asked for help with his geometry homework.I told him I'd only work with him on triangles and rectangles.
Circles are pointless.
Why did the baby strawberry cry?
Because its mother was in a jam
A photographer was crushed today when a massive block of cheddar fell on him.
To be fair, the people he was photographing tried to warn him.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...
But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
Why do horses have low divorce rates?
Stable relationships.
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
Think about it …when is the last time you ate a monkey
Why do muslims play sonic during ramadan?
Because they gotta go fast
She: You shouldn’t eat meatHe: Don't worry, it's plant-based.
She: That's awesome. Which plant?
He: The meat processing plant.
Instead of putting their hand on the Bible, French politicians hold an egg when they’re sworn in.
It’s their oeuf of office.
I was going to post a joke about jump ropes
But I'll skip it.
I was in the pharmacy and asked the assistant for some deodorant“Ball or aerosol”, he asked.
So I said “No, it’s for my armpits”
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten-tickles
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