My girlfriend said she’s missing her periods
I said: “no wonder you always text me in run on sentences.”
Did you know that Mjolnir has a different name when Thor throws it?
Then it becomes Mjolfar.
My jet-setting buddy bought me a ticket to Paris to be best man in his wedding. Afterwards, we all raised our champagne flutes. "To the bride and groom," I said. "Eggs, cinnamon bread, and maple syrup."
It was a French toast.
My son called home and I asked how things were going. He said, “Please don’t be upset, but they’re making me take another drug test.”
Four years of pharmacy school. Four years of the same damn joke.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite car brand?
HYUN-DAAIII!
Wifey.
I was really struggling to get my wife's attention.
So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.
Oldie but a goodie - What is the Dalai Lama’s go to when ordering a hot dog?
Make me one with everything.
Someone told me you could watch a solar eclipse through a colander...
I tried it and ended up straining my eyes.
What do you call a kingdom of criminals?
A Condom
My kid asked me what it feels like to be an adult...
I turned off the light in his room, handed him a sponge, and told him the kitchen needs his attention.
Have you even noticed ...
... how many towns are named after their water tower?
During the modern royalty course, the history teacher asked the class, Who can name three kings from the 20th century?
A student proudly raised their hand and said, Easy, Charles, Elvis, and Martin Luther.
Which country has the fastest growing capital?
Ireland. Cause it's Dublin every day.
What’s an epileptic person’s favourite dish?A seizure salad.
*This post isn't intended to be aboelist or dismissing people with disabilities
I have an irrational fear of Vietnamese food
My pho-bia
I made some jokes about unemployment
but none of them worked.
Today I saved a man drowning in the river…
I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the bridge ...
Tequila
What do you call a Malaysian primate born between 1945-1964?
A boomerangatan
What is the difference between panties and female reproductive organs?One is undies the other is ovaries.
Sorry. I'm drunk. Edited because someone reminded me of what I thought of before I drunkenly posted this.
Genie.
A genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy." Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.
I was watching a DIY video on how to build a taser at home.
The results will shock you.
Outback Steakhouse is false advertising
I didn’t see any tables out there
Had a conversation with an Italian Jedi...
Rearranged my whole house
I was praying next to a penitent who was confessing his sins by singing hymns completely off key.
He was atone deaf.
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