I told my date over dinner that I worked on oil rigs. She said, “Oh wow, what’s that like?”
"It's mostly boring."
What three letter word starts with gas?
Car 🚗
There was once a fisherman.
He caught a mermaid once in his net and decided to let her go. When the mermaid went back in the water, she said, "You are a good person, so I will give you an option: you can either choose great wealth or high intelligence." He chose intelligence, and the mermaid granted his wish, but the guy suddenly started to cry. Then the mermaid asked what happened. The guy replied, "You said I could choose wealth or intelligence." The mermaid replied, "Yes" and I choose intelligence, and the mermaid replied, "Yes." But only after being granted intelligence did I realise that I should have chosen wealth.
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night.
Not happy
As an inexperienced mountain climber, I will say Sherpas are a waste of time
and I will die on this hill
The contractor can’t guarantee he’ll remove ALL of the toxic chemicals from your house…
But he’ll try asbestos he can
My kid came home from school in tears. I asked, “What happened, bud?” “The English teacher sent me to the principal’s office for being disrespectful! In front of the whole class she asked if I would like to demonstrate a polite decline.”
“I looked her right in the eye and said ‘no thanks’.”
I farted in my wallet.
Now I have gas money.
I ordered giant duck at a fancy restaurant the other day...
The bill was huge!
During my career as a hairdresser, I once worked from 8am to 10pm without a break.
I collapsed from shear exhaustion.
What did one plant say to another?
I am rooting for you😙
Did you know that hoovers are 78 percent more likely to give you dust cancer!?
This is why I’m proud to be Anti Vac’s.
Remember, Guitars have been picked on ALL their lives and they STILL make BEAUTIFUL music.
Don't fret the small stuff.
I tried donating blood once. Just once, never again!
Too many stupid questions:
Where'd you get it? Whose blood is it? Why is it in a bucket?
I just ordered a whole roast duck at a Chinese restaurant.
I was shocked when I saw the bill.
What is the best present you can give to someone?
A broken drum. No one can beat that.
Why did the high school girl take a dummy to homecoming?
She really wanted a mannequin dance.
What do you say to a Mexican carpet fitter that isn’t working fast enough?
Underlay! Underlay!
A ghost tried to scam me…
But I saw through it.
Where did the duck go when he hurt his back?
The chiro-quacktor
My wife says I'm not doing enough house chores.
She said "if you could at least reduce the cheese block in small pieces, that'd be grate."
Customers are very excited about the new entrée at the Cannibal restaurant.
They say it's the best thing since sliced Brad.
What do pi and novocaine have in common?
They're both transient dental numbers.
What’s the capital of Chicago?
C
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When the punchline is ...apparent.
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