Who led the Jewish people across a semi permeable membrane?
Os-Moses.
Why did the baby habanero put on a jacket?
It was a little chilli.
[NSFW] What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A Dicktater
Just found out my friend died from heartburn
Can't believe that Gav is gone
Some day, Canada is going to take over the world.
Then you'll all be sorry.
What did the left leg say to the right leg?
"That guy in the middle is a bit of a dick, isn't he?"
The tower in Pisa was fine,
until the bank put a lean on it.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that has been sitting on the shelf for a while?
Dusty
What did the shoes say to the pants?
What's up, britches?
Never lend Columbo your phone
He always cracks the case
Why did the plane get grounded?
He had a bad altitude.
What do you call an Asian Dwayne Johnson?
The Wok.
Spouse got me with this one today
We should be at Costco early enough to try the new brunch at the food court. (Paused so I knew a punchline was coming) It's the same as their regular menu items, but you get a brunch of them.
How does God like His meat?
Well done, my good and faithful servant.
An elderly man named Larry goes to his doctor for his annual physical examination. After running a series of tests, the doctor walks into the room with a smile.The doctor says, "Larry, your tests look absolutely fantastic. For a man of ninety, you are in remarkable shape! Tell me, how are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and with God?"
Larry smiles warmly and nods. "Oh, God and I are tighter than ever, Doc. He looks out for me in ways you wouldn't believe. Because my eyesight is getting so bad, He fixed it so that whenever I have to get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, poof! The light automatically turns on for me. And when I'm all done, poof! The light automatically turns off so I can go right back to sleep."
The doctor is amazed. "Wow, Larry, that truly sounds like an incredible spiritual connection."
Later that evening, the doctor feels compelled to call Larry’s house to check in with his wife, Bonnie.
"Bonnie," the doctor says, "Larry is in perfect health. But I just had to call because I’m completely in awe of his connection with the universe. He told me that when he gets up in the night to use the restroom, a bright light magically turns on for him, and when he finishes, it automatically goes out. Is that really true?"
Bonnie sighs deeply over the phone and yells, "Oh, sweet Jesus! He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!"
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places.
He said, "Stop going to those places." 😆
Why does it feels wonderful to have lime under the sea?
They're simply sublime that way.
An old man spent his life repairing clocks....As he grew older, his eyesight faded and his hands began to shake.
On his deathbed, he gathered his children.
I've spent my life repairing clocks. I never turned away someone who couldn't afford it. Promise me that whenever someone brings you a broken clock, you'll fix it first. If they can't pay, don't charge them.
his children kept the promise
Years passed
Then decades
then centuries
The family workshop never closed.
Whenever a clock stopped, someone from the family would repair it, smile, and leave without asking for anything in return.
People traveled from all over the world just to meet them.
Eventually, historians wrote about the family's tradition.
They called it...
a second-hand business................
Did you hear about the guy who dunked his balls in glitter?
Pretty nuts...
This Disney merchandising has gone too far.
The other day, I went to a supermarket and they had a sign for an entire isle of Frozen Food.
If you’re amazed that I’m an expert of Kegel exercises…
Wait until you find out I’m self-taut.
I asked my French friend what he was doing tomorrow.
I didn't understand all of what he said, but I got demain idea.
What do you call a deep sleep brought on by excessive Mexican food south of Seattle?
Tacoma
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged!
In North America they have hen-parties, but in South East Asia...
They have hin-dus.
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