How does a polygamist hippie count his wives?1 Mrs. Hippie. 2 Mrs. Hippie. 3. Mrs Hippie…
Edit: Typo
My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store.
I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.
Mortal Kombat was actually based on a Scandinavian church song.
It was a Finnish Hymn.
I saw a guy carrying a long stick. "Are you a pole vaulter?", I asked.
“No, I'm German. How'd you know my name is Walter?"
Last night.. I went to the Apple Store to get a new iPad for my wife as a surprise. I found the one I thought she would like and told the Apple genius guy helping me that I wanted to get it for my wife…
He responded “We accept only cash or card we do not allow trades”
Where does a fish go, if he needs medicine?
To the PharmaSea.
How does the moon cut it's hair?
Eclipse it!
I backed a horse at ten to one
It came in at half past five.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence.
What do you call a flying NUN?
a) a bird
b) an airplane
c) an arrow
d) nun of the above
My girlfriend said I needed to improve my wardrobe.
So I hammered in a few of the loose nails with an old sandal.
I may be dyslexic...
But as long as I get my point across, that's all that mattress
A hippy chick got a job working at a bank.On her first day every time a teller counted money, She would just stand behind them. The manger’s noticed and asked what she was doing?
She said “Dude you told me to stand behind the counter all of the time”
When politicians get involved in a scandal, they often end up firing one of their assistants. Usually, it doesn’t solve the problem.
It’s just a banned aide.
* I got a new pen that can write under water.
It can write other words too.
My wife and I watched a great dramatic series on Hulu the other night,back to back until we finished it. Unfortunately, she was the one facing the TV.
I could hear it but I did not see a thing.
The annual tug of war between England and France has been cancelled
Nobody could find a rope that was 26 miles long.
I phoned my children and asked them what time they'd arrive at my housewarming party."We'll be there inside an hour," they replied.
I said, "I'd prefer it if you stayed much longer, actually."
A man went to a post office in Prague and tried to send himself inside a package.
Czech’s in the mail.
A guy I met in the hallway of my building today asked me for directions. He wanted to know the fastest way to the chipotle on high street near campus. I asked him asked if he was walking or driving there. He said driving..
I said yep that is the fastest way
Reading.I was reading the dictionary in bed last night, but I didn’t make it very far.
I got up to P.
In response to the recent mass exodus, have you seen the latest lineup of artists performing during the Freedom 250 concert?Lady Maga
Red Hat Chili Peppers
Magadeth
Impeaches & Herb
the Magas and the Papas
Earth, Wind & You're fired
Supertrump
Actual line from my 10-year old: At dinner I mentioned that for some reason the corn didn’t actually taste much like corn.
After a slight pause, my son deadpanned: “That’s corncerning.” 10/10 groaner
Before crowbars were invented
Crows used to drink alone
Trudging through the first three books of the Bible left me feeling weak, pathetic, and alone. But by the time I got to the fourth, I was doing much better.
Turns out there’s strength in Numbers.
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