A man walks into a bakery with a salmon under his arm and asks “do you have fish cakes?”
The person behind the counter replies, “No”.
“That’s a pity, it’s his birthday”.
Why do police officers always show up to aquariums?
Cause there is always something fishy going on there.
My wife gave me an envelope marked, "Not to be opened until 2027.”
Inside was a list of reasons why I can't be trusted to carry out simple instructions.
I forgot to ask off for Dolly Parton Day.
Looks like I'm workin' 9/25
What do you call someone who believes only 12.5% of the Bible is true?
An eighth-theist
Hi everyone, 26F here :)
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
A man was bludgeoned with a clarinet, a cello, and a French horn.
Police say it was an orchestrated attack.
Why is the ocean always grumpy?
You'd be grumpy too if you had all those crabs in your bottom
Why do alligators make great sandwich shop managers?
Because they are great deli-gators.
What’s the difference between toilet paper and curtains?(Expecting the answer “I don’t know”)
So it was you!
I was hospitalized after tripping onstage and falling headfirst into a drum kit.
The doctor said I had a percussion.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because the chicken had a laser pointer.
What is the best grade in Pirate School?
The High C's
My wife wanted to go out to a restaurant. I spent an hour complaining about it, but then I gave in as usual.
I like to whine and dine her.
A blonde and her boyfriend were going somewhere in a car.While taking a left turn the boyfriend asks " Babe , can you check if the indicator is working. "
The blonde sticks her head out the window and says...
" Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes..."
Why boxers never fight wearing formal clothes?
Cus very often it would be a tie.
I saw on the news this morning about someone breaking into houses and stealing peoples stamps and envelopes.
They said the suspect is believed to be mail.
On a school field trip to the ancient history museum, I told the class archaeologists say it’s pretty obvious the Egyptians invented the drum kit. I pointed to the hieroglyph-covered slabs behind the glass.
“I mean, just look at all the cymbals.”
what do you call a two dollar chicken? buck buck
I went past a wide open piece of property with a guy standing at the front. I asked what it's used for. He said, "It's for parking."
"Thanks," I replied, "That explains a lot."
What sport do VW Cars play?
Golf
Did you hear about the pirate who tried learning the alphabet?
He got lost at C…
I got thrown out of Mime Club yesterday
It must have been something I said
What's the hardest language to speak ?
Sign language because no one has been able to speak it yet
I told my gf to dress up so that we can go to the most expensive place in town
The gas station
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