A man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. "I am a turtle," he says. "Who's on your back?"
"That's Michelle
My wife bet me $1000 I couldn’t turn spaghetti into a car.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions
If Jesus is the Son of God, then God is the Dad of Christ, and if all Dads do Dad jokes, what would be some Celestial Dad humor?
My thought is Australia.
A small church was raising funds for a new piano. On Sunday the pastor said, “Whoever gives the most money today for the offering can pick out 3 hymns.So they passed the basket around and the pastor saw a $100 bill in there.
He said “Looks like we have a winner! Whoever gave the $100 bill can come to the front & select 3 hymns.”
An 80-year old woman got up, walked to the front, & pointing her finger at the congregation, said,
“I’ll take him, him, and him!“
I might have to start going back to church.
Why was the dictionary afraid to cross the road?
It couldn't look left or right, it could only look up.
How do you get Lyme disease on the Moon?
From luna ticks
I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps.
He just gave me a blank stair.
A very skinny girl came into a bookstore and asked the clerk”What is the chance you would have a book on religion curing an eating disorder.”
The clerk responded Slim to nun
Austin Richard Post raps under the stage name Post MaloneMacaulay Culkin raps under the stage name
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Ho Malone.
If a bee is bothering you, don’t run away or swat at it. Just stare at it.
Because seeing is bee leaving
Last Halloween
My buddy told me to be at the haunted house at 8pm, I replied, beware?
My dwarf friend Phil has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on his size,
so to cheer him up when he gets home from work, I've got pizza, beer, chocolates, cigars and I'm going to run him a nice hot sink after dinner.
Nate’s farm adjoins other farmers’ land. He chose straight property lines to prevent disputes.
Like a good neighbor, Nate’s farm is square
The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when i was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine, suit yourself.”
My dog Minton, just bit my sports equipement to pieces.
Bad Minton!
3 Vampires3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.
The strongest one started 1st,
"watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire"
Then the eldest one takes the next turn
"watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!"
Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one,
"don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked.
“Did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"
What do you call an onion that won’t stop rhyming?
A rap scallion.
What’s Lady Gaga’s favorite type of tomato?Roma-roma-ah
Thought of this one putting away groceries today.
I have a friend that claims he was a man trapped in a woman’s body
Then he was born
Bees.If a bee is bothering you, don’t swat it and don’t run away.
Just look at it.
Because seeing is bee leaving.🐝
I was going to see " Donner Party, The Musical"
Until I learned it was at a dinner theater
Why was the slow computer cold?
It left all its windows open
I didn't make it to the gym today.
That makes 3 years straight
Did you hear about the farsighted circumciser?
He forgot his glasses one day and got the sack
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