I'm proud of my 13 yo daughter. I told her to load and run the dishwasher.She said the dishwasher can't run... it's got no legs!
I'm glad to see my teaching has not been wasted.
I was driving past a cemetery this morning and saw a man walking around. I shouted, “Morning!”
He replied, “No, just walking the dog.”
My girlfriend said I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.
Today I told my wife about the scientist...
..who imagined a machine which could lessen sudden high-velocity incidents of wind. He never pursued it, though, because he found the whole idea disgusting.
Why do we dress baby boys in blue, and baby girls in pink?
Because they can’t dress themselves.
Today I learned: 'Politics' is a word derived from greekpoli meaning 'many'
tics meaning 'blood sucking parasites'
My daughter used to be into dinosaurs in an huge wayShe knew about hundreds of species and could tell you all about them when she was only in Kindergarten. She learned that birds are not only related to dinosaurs, but are so closely related that some argue they are the surviving dinosaurs of today's ecosystem. We liked this idea so much, we all started calling birds dinosaurs. We'd look outside and say, "Hey! There's a dinosaur in the backyard!"
One day, I heard my daughter call out...
"Hey! There's a dinosaur on the fence!"
...to which I replied...
"Then tell him to make up his mind!"
I’m done with Jolly Green Giant products
Unfortunately I’m never going to buy anymore vegetable products advertised by the Jolly Green Giant. I just realized he stands over the corn and peas!
Why do elephants hate running on the beach?
They can’t keep their trunks up.
Son “Hey dad can I have 20 bucks?”The Dad responds
“ 10 bucks! What do you need 5 bucks for?”
I’m about 2 years away from using this in real life.
Yachts.
A wealthy Frenchman was showing off his yachts.
"This is un, this is deux, this is trois, this is quatre, this is six..." "What happened to five?" his wife asked.
"Cinq" he answered
I told my wife our neighbor died. She said, “Who? Ray?”
I said, “It’s way too early to celebrate like that.”
What do you call a flying nun?
A bird? A plane?
Nope, nun of the above.
Did you hear about the restaurant that only hires little people?
They always have to close early because they're short staffed.
What kind of lettuce does a baby wear?
Bibb
What do you call a nut that goes to college?
An academia nut!
I read a book about an alcoholic bird
Tequila mockingbird
What’s the difference between imply and infer ?
You never see a bear dressed imply
A man saw another man removing the sides from his square so he copied him
Because he De-sided, too.
....... these jokes should be stored in a dad-a-base.
..... not all of them, some should never see the light of day again.
There's a boy band that does dishes.
They are In Sink!
RoadtripMy dad told me this one 40 years ago on a road trip. I’ll leave out all the embellishments along the way.
About 400 years ago, the Shawnee tribe lived here. The chief had two sons - running bear and falling rock. When they were 16, they had to to go and kill a mountain lion to prove they were ready for manhood. Running bear went first, and came back three days later with a huge male across his shoulders. Not to be outdone, Falling Rock set off deep into the mountains to find the biggest mountain lion anyone had ever seen. For 14 days they waited for his return. When he didn’t come back, they sent out a search party. Sadly, they never found him.
That’s why on the highway today you see all these signs that say “watch for falling rock.”
After much debate, the moderators have finally banned all menstruation jokes.
That's the end of that period.
Someone said if you had a million monkeys typing away, you would eventually get the complete works of Shakespeare.
Facebook has proven that to be false
Why was the beach wet?
'Cos the sea weed
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