Do you know why the shopping place is called “the mall”?
Because instead of going to one store, you can go to them all.
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel?
An inn grown hare
I’ve read one page of Lord of the Rings, every day for more than ten years…
..I just can’t kick the hobbit
It's ok to buy a nun a drink occasionally
But just make sure you don't get into the habit
Why did 6 and 7 break up?
Because they make an unlucky pair
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?” I replied, "Sure, why not?!" He smiled and said, “No problem sir!"
"Today is special!"
William Tell
Everyone knows about William Tell, who was famous for his exceptional archery skills. But what people don’t know is that William and his entire family were also exceptional bowlers. Unfortunately, most of the records from that time have been lost so no one knows for whom the Tells bowled.
Why did Han Solo send his steak back?
Because it was Chewy.
I’m reading a novel where the main character has strained the muscles around his spine.
That’s his back story.
The bodybuilder bee’s wife comes home and finds a letter from him.The letter says: “Honey, I’m sorry but I must leave you to pursue my dream of becoming a monk.”
Devastated, she meets with her friend at the bee bar and pours her heart out to her.
Her friend listens to everything and after she’s finished, the friend says:
“Well, to be honest I’m not surprised. He’s always been a strong bee leaver.”
You think gas and electric bills are expensive but have you seen chimneys?
They’re through the roof.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
I once tried making a belt out of watches.
It turned out to be a waist of time.
How's the ganglord of all Peruvian animals called?
Alpacone.
Mom used to feed me alphabet soup because she said I really liked it -- I didn't though,,,
she was just putting words in my mouth.
Do you know how Han and Chewie stay in touch when they are not together ?
Wookiee-talkiees
I’ve been putting up posters for my neighbour’s missing dog.
In his cool new bedroom at my house.
Being a trumpet play tester keeps me humble
I don’t have to toot my own horn
I recently went to a new zoo, where only one animal, a dog, was on display
It was a ShihTzu
I can guess what people do for a living just by looking at their hands….
I mean, I’m usually wrong, but I can guess.
I tried to be a stand up comedian. I told jokes about ice cream, but I got booed off the stage.
I thought it was good humor.
Becoming a master of the stealthy dad jokes…
We had some trees removed from the backyard. The chainsaw guy was telling me it’s a good thing we took down one of the trees because there were a bunch of ants high up in the tree.
I asked him very seriously, “What about uncles, were there any uncles?”
He s stopped for a moment and then started laughing uncontrollably and told me, “Omg, that’s awesome. I haven’t heard that one before!”
Camo pants.
I wanted to wear my camo pants today.
But I couldn't find them.
What does the gingerbread man put on his bed?
Cookie sheets.
I'm so good at sleeping…
I can do it with my eyes closed!
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