Rofkar Computer Sciences

I asked my wife, if I was the only one she'd ever been with. She said yes.
All the others had been nine or tens.

Sometimes the universe just hands you a punchline
I was in the kitchen with my 16-year-old daughter, who wanted to learn to bake. I opened the flour and lo and behold it's got bugs.

I said to her, these are weevils.

She said, "I thought weevils were bigger."

I said, "You're thinking of the boll weevil," and then inspiration struck. "These are the lesser of the two weevils." 💀☠️👻

I gave my three-year-old a book of puns for his birthday, but my wife snatched it away, saying, “You can’t give this to a toddler!”
Apparently, it’s a joking hazard.

My son was in bad shape after his girlfriend dumped him, so I bought him a Playstation and an Xbox.
That really helped console him.

The time I finally got my son
He’s 30, and constsntly getting me on stupid thing like “deez nutz”. I say summer… “summer deez nutz”. I say Aldi… “Aldi-s nuts”. Been goin on for years.

When we bought our house, we got stools for the island that exactly matched our China cabinet and buffet. He asked how we did it. I told him on this one website you can get a chip of the stained wood sent to you so you can see if it matches. He says “Wos, that’s a great idea”

I look at him with a big grin and say “Yeah… they call it a… STOOL SAMPLE”

I told my wife I was going to start jogging every morning.
She said, “Great. When are you starting?”

I said, “Tomorrow.”

She said, “You said that yesterday.”

I said, “Exactly. I’m already consistent.”

What did the beaver say when the tree fell?
DAM!!!!

CIA loses track of an Operative
The CIA lost track of its operative Murphy in Ireland. The CIA director said, “All I can tell you is his name is Murphy & he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” If it’s really him, he’ll answer, “Yes, and for mist at noon as well.”

The operative went to Ireland & stopped in a bar in a small town. He said to the barman, “Maybe you can help me. I’m looking for a guy named Murphy.”

The bartender replied, “You’re going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There’s Murphy the Baker who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There’s Murphy the Banker who’s president of our local savings bank. There’s Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too.”

Hearing this, the operative figured he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he said, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ”

The bartender replied, “Oh, you’re looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street."

According to a poll that was recently conducted
The lightning rod works

The guy who cheated to win a Broadway Theatre award was arrested last night as he was enjoying a pasta meal.
Rigatoni

According to Tom Petty, fly fishing has a lot of challenges
but the wading is the hardest part.

Crocodiles swallow rocks to correct an error that Nature made in designing the large lizards.
They're unstable in the water without artificial ballast. The weights, ranging from one to two pounds in juveniles to seven pounds in larger specimens, lie low in their forward-placed stomachs to counterbalance their tails and prevent rolling. A ballasted crocodile is, perhaps, the only creature other than Man that artificially alters its design to fit its aquatic environment.

This proves that there's nothing more dangerous than an stoned crocodile.

Be nice to your dentists!
He has fillings too.

When the chair was invented, his assistant wanted to know what it did
He replied, “Alright, I’ll tell you, but you might want to sit down for this.”

My daughter just left the kitchen
We was doing some baked apples and I held up an apple core. Looked at her and said "You should remember for this forever because this is a core memory." And she just left the kitchen without saying anything. What is your best dad joke event or memory.

Why did Spider-Man pick his nose?
To get rid of the Green Goblin

Don't judge me, I love cheesy jokes and have a million of them 😂

I went to the theatre
I went to the theatre the other day to watch a performance about puns.

It was a play on words.

George Washington once studied to be a cardiologist, but he failed at making diagnoses.
True. He could not tell A-Fib

I man kept phoning me up and singing "Stand and Deliver" down the phone at me...
He insisted the message was for me.

I assured him he had the wrong number but he was AdamAnt

A depressed truck driver ploughed his rig into the local performing arts center in the middle of the night.
His wife said it was just a stage he was going through.

Sunday.
Last Sunday, my son was staring at a plaque on the wall outside the sanctuary at church. The plaque had names engraved on it and a little American flag on either side. He asked the pastor what it was for. The preacher told him it was a memorial for all the members of the church who had died in service. Connor's eyes got big and he asked, "The 9 o'clock or the 11?"

Dolly Parton once lost a Dolly lookalike contest. So did Elvis and Charlie Chaplin.
To be fair, neither looks much like Dolly.

How do Minions search the internet?
They use GRUgle.

Two narcissists walk into a bar
They spill drinks on each but it doesn’t matter because they are too self-absorbed

What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.