An armed man robs a bank with 2 CDs glued to his glasses. The cashier hands the man all the money and then says “Got to ask, what’s with the CDs?”
He replies “It’s my disk-eyes”
I was talking to someone about countries having low birthrates and snuck this in.Me: South Korea had the lowest birth rate but recently got theirs up a bit.
Her: I wonder which one has the lowest now.
Me: I'd have to look it up. I'll do it later.
Her: Do you know which nation has the highest?
Me experiencing sudden inspiration: I think it's the nation of Impreg.
Her not connecting the dots immediately: I haven't heard of it. Do they have a lot of people?
Me: Oh I hear they get a lot of visitors who stay less than a year but few permanent residents. I've been there. It's kinda nice. But some women hate it there.
She asked a few questions with my responses getting more ludicrous until:
Her: Ok, I have to look this place up.
Her looking at her phone: GOD DAMNIT!
Glorious.
Gloria Gaynor was hosting a dinner party for six of her friends at her home.
When they arrived, they panicked when finding out one couldn't make it. "That's ok." she told them. "I will serve five."
My wife says I’m getting fat, but in my defense:
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.
I was on a date with a woman who kept randomly interjecting our conversation with opinions. “They don’t make bedsheets like they used to.” “Quilting is boring.” “Duvet covers aren’t worth the money.”
Finally I said, “You’ve got to stop making blanket statements.”
Why is 𝞹 afraid of water?
Because it's irrational
Had to get a colonoscopy, guess you can say I had a
Cameron Diaz
What's a coin collector's favorite ice cream flavor?
Mint.
What happened when Blue Beard sunk in the Red Sea?
He was marooned.
Dad, how many people work at your company?
About half of them
40 years ago today, l asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most gorgeous woman l know to marry me.
All three said no.
A boy was walking down the street carrying a burlap sack......something inside the sack was wiggling. A man stopped him and asked what was in the sack.
"My puppies, see?" The man says "Those are some very cute puppies, what are their names?"
"That's Fido, and that is Spot, and that one is Liberace." "Liberace! That's an odd name for a puppy. Why Liberace?"
"He's the pianist of the bunch."
I was looking at my roommate dragging his bike into the bedroom so I asked "why do you need your bike in the bedroom?""I want to stop sleepwalking"
My 84 year old dad just told me this one so I thought I would share.
What do you call a crazy tick at midnight?
A Luna tick
The clown I hired for my kid’s birthday just crapped on the living room floor.
Only the kids think that shit is funny.
If you cut off your Left Arm...Your Right Arm will be left.
Edit: Corrected a typo
Last night in bed, my girlfriend was mumbling about being born in 1892 and writing the Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings
I thought: 'she's Tolkien in her sleep again.'
Know why gas stations charge you money to fill your tires?
Inflation.
40 years ago today, l asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most gorgeous woman l know to marry me.
All three said no
Why did the math teacher only date integers?
He liked to keep his relationships discreet
How do you get an alien to change a lightbulb?
Take them to your ladder.
A clown held a door open for me.
I thought that was a nice jester.
Waiter this coffee tastes like mud.
That's funny sir, it was only ground this morning.
Gender explained with biblical characters
XY is Adam
XX is Eve
YYY is Delila.
What is a skeleton's favorite geometry term?
Radius.
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