Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their grandkids overnight.When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The grandson said, "I don't think you should take one. They're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," he replied.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. "
Later the next morning, the grandson found $110 under his pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
At dinner, my date showed me her car tattoos. “Chevy on my right arm, classic Ford on my left, Toyota on this thigh, Tesla on the other, and check out my belly button!”
I said, “Oh wow, it’s an Audi!” She said, “Yep, a few inches above my Volvo.”
I’ve been struggling to quit heroin
All my attempts have been in vain.
Who can drink 5L of petroleum and stay perfectly in good health?
Jerry can!
A man stumbles upon a lamp and a genie pops out and offers him 3 wishes…Man: “For my first wish I'd like to be rich."
Genie: “Alright Rich, what's your second wish"...
A Firefighter runs in to a kindergarten classroom holding up a screwdriver and yells...
"Kids this is not a drill!"
What do you call a bee that doesn’t brag about their accomplishments?
A humble bee
My kid came up to my wife and said, “Mom, something’s wrong with the dishwasher.”
She looked at me and said, “Are you okay, babe?“
Insects are a really cheap food source
They are locust
My snooty friend always uses French words like hors d’oeuvres in his day-to-day conversation.
And that’s just…for starters.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that tiny thing?
A guy tries to kill everyone on a train just because he doesn’t like trains…
I think it’s quite a loco motive.
A tale of 2 nuns
There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It was getting dark and they are far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way He cannot follow us both.
The man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrived.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!
My wife said I should try getting into a trade.
So does anybody want a new wife?
When my daughter was 7 years-old she once interrupted a bedtime story to tell me, "In a pie-eating contest, it doesn't matter if you win or lose because...you get to eat pie."
I think about that a lot.
My prime years
My prime years were when I was 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, and 89.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y
If donkeys were not allowed to get on the massive sailing vessel during the flood…..
it would be known as No ass ark.
What does Harry Potter say after taking a shower?
Ex smelly arm pits!
I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with.
She said, “Yes, all the others were nines and tens.” 😭
My son came home from school and said: “Dad, I got a part in the school play, I play a man who's been married 30 years."
I replied: “Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."
Ditzy man to friend, “I agreed to teach a class at the community college, but I never realized that it would involve so much paperwork”Friend, "What are you teaching?"
Man, "Origami."
SistersThree sisters aged 82, 84 and 86 live in a house together. One night the 86-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, “was I getting in or out of the bath?”.
The 84-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see”. She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells, “was I going up the stairs or down?”.
The 82-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful”. She knocks on wood for good measure then yells out, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door”.
My neighbor got real offended when I wouldn’t let him dive into my pool
Which is ridiculous. It’s not that deep
Anybody want some dead batteries?
They’re free of charge
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