I heard my daughter say from the other room "dad (sister)'s doing something she's not supposed to be doing!"
I responded with
me: is she Building a rocket or fighting a mummy?
6 year old: no
me: Or climbing up the Eiffel Tower?
6 year old no she is-
me: Discovering something that doesn't exist?
6 yo: no shes not doing that she is-
Me: giving a monkey a shower!?!
6yo no no
me: o i know she is Surfing tidal waves, creating nanobots or locating Frankenstein's brain?
6yo old: what?
me: Finding a dodo bird, painting a continent
Or driving her sister insane?
6yo: that one shes doing that one.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the "knock-knock" joke?
He won the "no-bell" prize.
Had a Star Wars-related dream where nobody could count past two in French.
Yoda did say “deux or deux not, there is no trois”
What do you call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer.
Does anyone have trouble remembering maine’s abbreviation
or is it just me?
To the person who stole my antidepressant tablets
I hope you're happy now.
If your electrician..
..explains the fuse box, does he become a trip advisor?
I’m starting to understand why Yoda wanted to spend time on a swamp planet.
It makes the Dagobah faster.
Why are graveyards always so loud?
Cause of all the coffin.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.
What do you call someone who is late to work?
Mr. Bus
Lassie had a littler of puppies. One by one they were adopted: One became a master sheepdog, herding sheep to his heart's delight. Another became a champion athlete, setting world records at dog shows. The runt of the litter, though, waited weeks before finally being adopted by a honeydew farmer...
He was a little meloncollie
If you go to a place and there's no white people
That place is cracka-lackin
I regret buying a second hand boomerang
It went back to the owner
I got fired from my job at the calendar factory
I didn’t even do any thing, I just took a day off
Brian Wilson walks into a bar."Round, round, get a round, I get a round."
I hope this joke gives you good vibrations.
How can you tell the sex of ants?
Just toss them in water. Ones that sink are girl ants, and ones that float are buoyant.
My family got pretty bored when I spent all Saturday afternoon installing bidets on our toilets.
But today, they’re having a blast.
Actors in Breaking Bad were encouraged to do drugs while on set
They were meth-od actors.
Realizing my wife is going to need an oxygen tank for the rest of her life,
because I took her breath away every time she looks at me.
After my dad’s accident, we anxiously waited for news until the surgeon finally came out. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “I want you to know we did everything we could…”
“Fortunately, that saved his life, and he’s going to be fine.”
I got my blood drawn recently.
Great artist, niche subject matter.
Just as I was off to college , my dad and I got some last minute bits from the shop..As he reached for the anti persperant, he made sure to tell me.to.never buy the ones at the very front as they have likely been used as testers several timesI told him , This ain't my first roll deo
he said , Bye Son
I found money in my pasta sauce can but I ate it anyway......
......it was worth every penne.
Many historians argue that it was the Mongols who set the standard for pillaging an entire city.
But it was the Vikings who razed the bar.
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