Why was the snowman digging through a basket of carrots?
Because he was picking his nose
Ariel, why do you wear seashells?
Because B-shells are to small and D-shells are too big.
My first 3-teen eyeroll in the wild😂I'm so proud of this I have to share.
I was at a sporting event last night with my wife and some friends. We ran into an old college connection in the hallway - whom happens to be dressed as the grinch with full face paint.
Before parting ways, informed us he was looking for his girls. Three teens in sparkly Santa hats. Hadn't seen them and moved on.
About 20 yards through the crowd and wouldn't ya know, they walk right into us. One of my friends says, "hey, your dad is looking for you."
"What?" One of the girls is surprised.
My friend replies, "your dad is in the grinch costume, right?"
"Yeah," all three respond in unison.
My friend points down the hall, "he went that way."
Quickly, my face lights up, seizing my moment, "and heads up, he's really mad at you three."
They turned to me. Their bubbly demeanor vanished as their faces turned pale.
"Yeah, he was really upset with you. So upset, in fact, that his face was GREEN with anger."
Instantly. I mean INSTANTLY, all three at the same moment realized they'd been got. Their faces sunk with that "irritated but also ashamed I fell for it" look. They pivoted. And while all four of my group were laughing, they turned to seek out the dad who was probably not at all upset with them. 😄😂😄😂😄
I'm still living in the splendor of that moment today like I woke up after winning the championship!
What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?
671 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I quit drinking for good
.
.
.
... now I only drink for evil.
New York and Minnesota are opposites. New York is where the Big Apple is and Minnesota is where the...
...Minneapolis
What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?
A shoe.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts.
It's called "leave me the fuh cologne"
Why was the letter E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were naughty
Why does a fish hate baskeball?
Because it is scared of nets
What is the title to guns and roses christmas album?
Welcome to the Jingle.
What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Where do English people shop for groceries?
The British aisles
I cannot stop reading Tolkien, but only the parts with Gollum.
I guess it’s just a bad hobbit.
I asked my dog what is the outer layer of a tree called?
He replied Bark!
Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie…
Hans down
I-am-in-space-and-there-is-no-place-for-me-to-get-a-whiskey
There-is-no-spacebar
What did the crowd yell when Jesus stole the ball, dribbled past the defenders and threw down a monster dunk?
He is rizzin!
What is Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer's favorite band?
Sleigher.
Scientists presented a box that would prevent chickens from eating seeds
Experts say that the solution is impeckable
I started reading a book about the history of glue.
I’m stuck on the first chapter.
They say that sniffing rosemary will improve your memory. I tried it once.
Then she hit me. I don’t remember much after that.
I asked my dog, What’s ten minus ten?
He said nothing.
What’s the opposite of doggo?
Catstop.
Just like the stairs
Lifts are also always up to something
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