I’ve decided to marry a pencil.
I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Two inert gases walk into a bar...
Nobody reacts
My buddy's daughter dadjoked him. They were having breakfast,
...his daughter said: "dad you snore a lot, you know there's an app for that right?" him: "oh really? what's it called?" her: "app-nea".
I did really well in that class about marijuana and communism.
I got high Marx.
Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One of them is pretty heavy, the other is a little lighter
My siblings and I went out to dinner with my dad
and we started talking about dad jokes we liked. All of a sudden my dad goes "I've only made 3 dad jokes my entire life and they're all sitting in front of me right now”
I had to stop giving ducks belly rubs.
It just made me feel down.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Where do Volkswagens go to retire?
The old volks home
My nickname at school was Scarface.
I was really good at knitting.
I was in a wine shop this evening, I bought a nice Merlot. The cashier asked me if I wanted it in a bagI said no thanks, just leave it in the bottle
…silence
What do fish use to shave?
Gill-ette
What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?
A Lamb-orghini
Dad got fired from the Transportation Department for stealing
I didn’t want to believe it, but when I went to visit, the signs were all there. . . (Sorry).
50 cent was hungry
58
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quack
What do you call a Roman with a cold?
Julius Sneezer
What is the most popular band right now?
Flu Fighters
A duck walks into a drugstore to buy some lipstick
The cashier asks if payment will be by cash or credit. The duck replies “just put it on my bill”
It's stressful working at the Dracula Factory, making those little Dracula figurines. There are only two of us working there.
So I have to make every second Count.
Why don't monsters eat ghosts?
They taste like sheet
I have this fetish for large light switches.
They're such big turn ons.
I stepped off the plane after my flightI looked up at the sky and asked my phone surely it’s not going to rain??
My phone responded. Yes it is and don’t call me Shirley. !
That’s when I realized my phone was still on airplane mode !!
Courtesy of Joe Bob Briggs 😁
Why are jellyfish lonely?
Because there are no peanut butter fish
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