In England it's called a lift, but in America it's called an elevator.
I guess people are just raised differently.
A boy is getting ready to take his date to the prom.First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the store and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits a long time but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
Three things I love in life are:
Eating my family and skipping commas.
My father advised me to register for my donor card.
A man after my own heart
My wife: "You promised to stop with the Darth Vader quotes after we got married"
Me: "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."
A coma in a sentence can make a huge difference. For instance,“Let’s eat, Bob.”
has a completely different meaning from
“Bob is in a coma.”
What’s a World Cup player’s least favorite sweater?
A yellow cardigan.
My husband asked if I knew the name of our galaxy. I said Milky Way. Then I asked if he knew the name of our son.
It’s Jack.
What you call an airline full of bald people?
Receding Airlines
I drove by the beach last night…
I drove by the beach last night and noticed these ladies dancing in a circle wearing black robes around a fire pit chanting. One had a pig and another had a block of cheese. That’s when I realized they were ham and cheese sand witchs.
Why was the archaeologist so depressed?
His career was in ruins !
Why didn't Indiana Jones go into the strip club?
He could clearly see it was a booby trap!
I just quit cold turkey.
I don’t mind. Warm turkey tastes way better anyways.
I told my buddy I keep all the money I make for myself, he said it was selfish
I said: “I don’t sell fish, I sell crack!”
Where did detectives hang out after work?
Discovery Zone
What do you call a Frenchman attacked by a cat?
Claude
You know what they call it when you can't sleep so you get up and have a midnight snack?
Insom-nom-nom-nomia.
I'm thinking of opening a zoo
I'll need 12 koalas, 5 pandas, and at least 1 grizzly. That's the bear minimum
MathMe: I'm scared of the vertical axis
Therapist: Why?
Me: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?
Traffic Jam
Why are elevator jokes so good?
It's because they work on different levels
What'd the skillet have for breakfastIt had
Pan-cakes
*insert ba-dum tss right here*
My cremation should go smoothly.
I'm already burned out.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese 🧀
A lady takes a man back to her place after a date. When they enter the house, 2 ferocious dogs approach him growling.“Timex and Rolex be nice to the guest” she demanded. The dogs stopped growling. The man chuckled and asked, “why in the world did you name your dogs Timex and Rolex”?
“Because they’re my watch dogs of course”!
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