I drew Mark Hamill on my wife's forehead while she was asleep.
You should have seen the Luke on her face.
What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill?
A lambslide.
Saw this one a long time ago.My wife said "You bastard, you're shagging that floozie from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychrwyndrobwyllllantisiliogogogoch, aren't you?"
I said "How can you even say that?"
I am very conflicted about my right glove.On one hand I love it, but on the other hand I hate it.
I just came up with this and I’m really proud of myself.
My wife went mad at the neighbor because she sunbathed nude outside
Personally, I'm on the fence
What is a dyslexic zombies favorite food?
Brian’s
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?
It’s pasture bed time.
Why did the girl eat the lamp?
Dad said to have a light snack.
While working as a prison guard, I once caught a woman trying to smuggle over 5 pounds of weed in her oversized bra.
It was the biggest bust our department had ever seen.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down.
I'm so good at driving, I can get to 3 different places without ever even touching the steering wheel.
The hospital, jail, and the cemetery!
I make Christmas wreaths for a living. So I decided I would make one out of 100 dollar bills the other day.
I call it A Wreath of Franklin
Please use William Shatner in a sentence...
"Becky took Williams toy, so William Shatner lunch pail."
Someone glued my deck of cards together…
…I just don’t know how to deal with it.
What do you call a fat Navy SEAL?
MEAL TEAM 6!
I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner..
I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.. It's just collecting dust.
I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers!
What are the odds?
What shampoo do lions use for their manes?
R'Oaréal.
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing—it’s on the house.
A dragon would never explode.
But a dino might.
What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator
An investigator
What do you call James Bond in the bath
Bubble 0 7
Scientists have discovered a phenomenon where liquid has been found to get stressed, anxious, and nervous.
It's called water tension.
There is a Swedish word for crying while masturbating, Gråtrunka
That's a real tear jerker
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