What do you call a cop in bed?
Undercover
Hospital.
A man wakes up in the hospital. The phone rings, a doctor tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, you have Avian flu, Ebola, you're HIV positive and have hepatitis." The man asks "What are you going to do?" The doc replies: "For starters we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza." "Will that really help me?" "No, but it's all we can fit under the door."
I just found out that I have a half-brother.
...and we're not allowed to play with chainsaws anymore.
I was so proudMy grandson came to my house yesterday after school. I asked him what he is doing in (8th grade) math.
He said they were discussing the ways to measure things, ruler, protractor, etc. Then the teacher gave them a flip-flop sandal and asked them to measure it.
Grandson just sat there. The teacher asked him why grandson was not measuring. Grandson said he already knows how long the flip-flop is. When the teacher asked how long, my grandson replied,
"that's easy. The flip-flop is a foot long."
So proud of him.
My gf insists I bring a 12-inch ruler to the bedroom
She has a foot fetish.
What do you call a Chinese person who is always early?
Wei Ting
Sean Connery is traveling to America in a Multi-mast Ship instead of a plane
He wants to get there schooner
What do you give a lemon stricken with sickness?
Some lemon-aid
Circle FliesA farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding and the trooper started to lecture the farmer and threw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, but as he was he kept swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper said, “Yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."
Well, circle flies are common on farms,” replied the farmer. “They’re called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stopped and said, "Hey...wait a minute, are you calling me a horse's ass?”
“Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass,” replied the farmer.
The trooper said, "Well, that's a good thing," and went on writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer said, "Can’t fool those circle flies, though."
Read a story about a family who forgot their dogs toy......at a cabin where they vacation every summer. The dog traveled 100 miles there and back to retrieve it
I said "that's far fetched"
Did I tell you I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas?
There are only two of us on the production line. So I have to make every second count
Jokester, holding up can of bug spray to store employee, “I didn’t know that bugs pray.”
Employee, "Why yes they do, why do you think they are in sects?"
Tell jokes about short apple trees if you wanna get a few laughs.
It’s low-hanging fruit.
What did a coin inventor say, leaving his job?
"I'm calling it quids!"
Justice is best served cold
Because if it was served warm, it would be justwater.
What's the worst part of giving a cat a bath?
Getting all that fur on your tongue
When do cowboys become cow men?
After their barn mitzvah
Whats the difference between Charles Dickens and a prostitute?
One has a tale of two cities, and the other has a sale on two tiddies.
I really like the word "wife"
has a nice ring to it
What kind of jeans does a ghost wear?
Just a paranormal jeans
What do you call a dinosaur who just totaled his car?What do you call a dinosaur who just totaled his car?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
I was so embarrassed when my socially awkward friend misprogrammed my vacuuming robot and let it loose during a dinner party.
The guy just couldn’t read the Roomba.
Snack joke. I asked my daughter what she was eating. Her: “nachos”Me: you don’t have to be rude about it. I’m just asking
Her: huh?
Me: I asked you what you’re having for a snack. And you were rude
Her: I just said “nachos”
Me: I know it’s not mine. I just want to know what you’re having…
Her: wha… oh… stop it, Dad…
Me: <smiles in dad joke>
Making Shoe Polish...A guy walks into a cobbler's shop with a scuffed pair of oxfords and says, "I have a big interview today and I need these looking brand new. Give them your absolute best polish."
The cobbler nods, takes the shoes to the back room, and spends twenty minutes working on them. When he brings them out, the guy slips them on his feet, but suddenly hears a tiny voice echoing from the floorboards: "Dzień dobry! Jak się masz?"
Startled, the guy jumps back, points at his feet, and yells, "What on earth did you do to my shoes?! They're talking!"
The cobbler shrugs and wipes his hands on his apron. "Hey, you're the one who asked me to make them Polish."
I just realized I mixed up the words "depreciation" and "defenestration" in my appeal to the insurance company
I guess getting my money back is out the window
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