ever have sex while camping?
it’s fucking in tents!
My son keeps trying to set the clocks back, but I won't let him.
Not on my watch.
It’s a shame the Beatles didn’t make the submarine in their song green.
That would have been sublime.
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber?Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'.
(I love this joke, but I hate that there isn't a good way to tell it aloud.)
Did you hear about one of Temu’s major warehouses burning down?
Estimated damages totaled just under $75.
Near the end of our dinner, my date said, “Look, I need to be honest with you. I’m expecting a baby.”
I said, “I’m sorry, but I don’t have any to give you.”
Who is in favour of bringing Roman numerals back into use?
I for one.
In Las Vegas, there are more Catholic churches than there are casinos.Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect all the offerings, then send all the chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting, and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
What did the policeman say when he saw the zebra crossing?
"Why aren't you in the zoo?"
Which actress makes fun of males?
Nicole Kidman
The eraser felt that the pencil didn’t like him much, and asked why.The pencil said, “You are always correcting my words.”
The eraser said, “You have a point.”
I was driving my date to her house and told her that I wasn't good with directions; she just laughed at me...
…..So I right her left there.
Did you know you can't run through a campsite, you can only ran
Because it's past tents
I haven't spoken to my wife in two weeks
It seems rude to interrupt her
During a job interview"Can you perform under pressure?".
"No but I can try bohemian rhapsody".
I don't like people that smear spicy condiments on my gloves
I mustard mitt
I’ve got something caught in my throat. I think it’s half Dutch.
It’s phlegmish
Canadian Joni Mitchell became a US citizen
She looks at life from both sides now
My wife is extremely agitated. Each morning she finds one or two tiny garden weevils in our bathroom. "Can't figure out how the little buggars are getting in," she growled... I told her, "At least they're not of the two inch long 'palm' variety."... "Not helping," she fumed.
"Well, at least yours are definitely the lesser of two weevils."
Whenever my kids says "I love you" I always respond with "I love you more"
because life is a competition and they need to know their father will always win.
What do you call an axolotl who tells damaging lies about you?
A slandermander.
At dinner, I asked my date to tell me a little about herself. She said, “Well, believe it or not, I’m a microbiologist.”
I looked her straight in the eye and said, “Nice try... you look like a normal-sized biologist to me.”
What extracurricular did the vice president do in middle school?
JV Dance
Frog legsWhat's the best way to cook frog legs?
In a Croak pot.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
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