I’ve just finished reading a book called “how to clear leaves from your lawn”
By Ray King
Once upon a time, there lived a king who was only 12 inches tall...
He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.
When my son's goldfish died, I offered to get him another one just like it.
He said, "Why would I want two dead goldfish?"
I once dated a crossed eyed girl but had to end it,
she was seeing someone else on the side.
I walked into the kitchen and nobody said hi
But the micro waved.
Paid $500 so my son could play High School Football
Terrible investment. All I got was a quarterback.
I’d been getting strange looks every time I touched my head at the checkout counter…
Things are different now that I realize cashiers were not telling me to “tap toupee.”
What do you call a cow that plays the guitar?
A moosician
What’s the term for being kicked off of Greece’s largest island?
Being ex-Creted
How can you tell if a sniper likes you?
He misses you.
I politely declined my friend’s offer to check out his new YouTube channel dedicated to bunny colonoscopies.
I don’t want to waste an entire day going down rabbit holes.
Who ever lost their iPhone 18 Pro at Walmart this morning...
Would you please stop calling my new phone...
My daughter wanted to go out without her glasses
I said no daughter of mine is going out looking like that!
What do you call a magician that’s lost his magic?
Ian
The service at the T-Rex Café is terrible.
They're always short-handed.
I treat my girlfriend like a princess.
I gave her thousands of responsibilities and put the weight of a country on her shoulders.
What do you call a Candle that can handle any job no matter how bad it stinks?
The John Wick…
A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween.The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot. The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.
Moral to the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak
What do zombies serve at a tea party?
Finger sandwiches
What fairground ride is made of metal?
The ferrous wheel
What do you call a Sith Lord that’s from the South?
Darth Y’all
$100’s.
What do you call a wreath made of $100 bills?
.....Aretha Franklins
(Please don't block me)
What’s Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola
I have a joke about gold and myrrh
But it makes no frankin sense
The mountain and valley were opponents in an election.
The mountain won in a landslide.
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