People who write "burro" when they mean "burrow"...
... clearly don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
Teacher: “Please give me a sentence using these three words: defence, defeat, and detail.”
Student: "When a dog jumps over defence, defeat go first, then detail."
I accidentally sprayed body spray in my mouth.
Now I speak with an Axe scent.
I saw a NSFW ad not too long ago
What a cheeky commercial
Seventy percent of the earth’s surface is covered in water and none of it is carbonated
That’s proof that the earth is flat.
A man turned to his friend and said he was scared of doing a conga line..The friend replied, "don't worry, I've got your back!"
(An original made up by my 7yo son)
Hello all, selling used Parachutes...Lifetime Warranty:
If it doesn't work, just bring it back, we'll exchange it.
A person asked me, "Are you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?"
I replied "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the county".
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she'll let it go.
Today is my son’s 4th birthday. When he came out of his room this morning, I didn’t recognize him at first
It was as if I had never seen him be four
Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs.
It is also their biggest import.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mother carries a photo of only one of them in her wallet.
I guess if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.
A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, "Try a milk bath".
So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guys ask "You want that pasteurized?" "Nah", the man replies "Up to my chin should do it."
What does the Human Torch order at a Jamaican steakhouse?
Filet mon!
What do you call a medieval knight with lactose intolerance?
Sir Flatulancelot
Which fruit materializes spontaneously?
A pear.
I answered the door this morning.A 6ft beetle punched me in the face and called me fat.
Police confirmed my story saying in fact "Yes...there is a nasty bug going around".
I can't believe how hot it is today…
It's so hot that my garlic had to take its cloves off
A priest, a preacher, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I’m reading a horror story in braille.
Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.
I met my wife in the glue factory where we both worked.
We bonded immediately.
Soccer.
I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks.
I prefer the British spelling of "Diarrhea", because...
"Diarrhoea" looks like it's lost control of its vowels.
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