A woman woke up from a 6-month coma and asked the doctor about her baby...
The doctor said, "You had twins, a boy and a girl! They're doing great. Since you were unconscious, your brother named them for you."
The woman panicked. "Oh no, not my brother! He’s an absolute idiot! What did he name the girl?"
"Denise," the doctor replied.
The woman paused. "Oh, wow... Denise is actually a lovely name! What did he name the boy?"
The doctor sighed deeply. "Denephew."
I just realized my emergency contact is my husband.The same man who can't find his wallet, doesn't know his doctor's name, and ignores unknown calls...
Yeah, call him.
I complained at a restaurant last night. I said, "Hey, waiter, my soup is cold!" He said, it's Gazpacho."
I said, "Hey, Gazpacho... my soup is cold!"
My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance.My wife said its such an uncommon name.
So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot
She told me "sorry. I have a boyfriend"
"Ahh, it appears you're misstaken"
My mom went to the doctor yesterday to have her nose removed.
I swear, she’s lost all common scents.
People aren't interested in having garage sales these days..
But they're dying to have Estate Sales.
I told my wife there was a honeybee in my yogurt...
She ran over concerned, looked into the bowl, and saw a giant letter "B" made of honey. The 6:00 AM eye-roll was glorious.
I’ve just put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my living room.
You know, just to make it more classy...
We all know that 6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat three squared meals a day.
You're allowed a maximum of two visits to Spain.
The third is considered tres-passing.
I’ve decided to change my social media username to “no one”
This way, when I react to a friend’s post, they’ll receive a notification that “No one likes this.”
I was at a party when a guy walked in shouting "I'm the world's best architect!"
I thought, he knows how to make an entrance, but he was just putting up a facade.
My friends encouraged me to adopt an 80s’ hairstyle.
I told them I’d mullet over.
What is a cannibal's favorite pasta?
Elbow macaroni.
Why don't skeletons ever go trick-or-treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
What do you call ghost boobies?
A pair a normal en-titties
What do you call a boring day for a journalist in Norway’s capital?
Oslo news day.
Noah had been busy for weeks making his final preparations for the flood. The last details of the boat were complete and the animals were nearly finished with their march onto the boat.
As he stood there with his wife watching the strange but magnificent event the last of the animals finally boarded. He turned to his wife and with a sigh of relief said, "now I've herd everything"....
I flew a plane through a war zone and none of the missiles flying toward me hit.
I'm glad they didn't use hitles.
Next time you are stuck in city traffic, blame Roxanne.
She always turns on the red lights.
One eggMy wife delivered this one yesterday. I told her I don't want to hear any complaints about dad jokes for a long time now. It definitely belongs here.
So, she was pulling together a full on breakfast wish hash browns, biscuits, sausage, and eggs, turned to me and said two eggs for you, I assume? I said yes. She said, I think I'll be French today and have one.
I raised an eyebrow as I tried to puzzle it out and she came to my rescue with "because one egg is un œuf (enough)." Groans ensued, but I had to give her credit for that one.
Why are toilets always so good at poker?
They always get a flush.
Rumor has is it that orthodontists everywhere are planning to go on strike...
…brace yourselves!
Whenever I make a post on Reddit the first comment is usually by a police officer, fire fighter or an EMT
They're the first responders
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