Never ask your wife where she wants to eat. Ask her, "Guess where I'm taking you!?"And whatever she says is where you go.
Follow me for more marriage and relationship advice.'
What’s the difference between a circus and a brothel?
A circus has a cunning array of stunts
My son is at that age where he wants to join a rock band. I told him I played in a band when I was his age.
My band was called The Hinges and we opened for The Doors
I decided not to date a girl because she was a communist.
There were just too many red flags.
Every day I announce to my family I'm going for a jog, then proceed to stay at home
It's my running joke.
I am friends with a sniper who is a self-professed Communist…
He’s a very skilled marxman
I tried to board my flight with a pickaxe, shovel and hard hat. I couldn’t even get through security.
No unaccompanied miners allowed.
What did the dieter say when making fried chicken?
It's a nice day for a light breading
What is the probability of bread falling from the sky right now?
I don't know but it's probably naan-zero
I bought Spiderman pyjamas the other day
I hope he likes them
Hired to replace a water heater with the instant kind…
It was a tankless job, but somebody had to do it.
Proud of this one while in the kitchen.Did one on the spot today.
Wifey and I were doing some baking given it’s a rainy Sunday. She was looking in every drawer for our whisk.
She looked at me accusingly… “Why did you move the whisk?”
I replied: “I would never do that. It’s too whisky.” Followed by the goofy smile and the finger guns.
I think that was legitimately the biggest eye roll I’ve ever received. Success!
I got mugged by 6 dwarves this morning....
not Happy!
What do you call a moth laying eggs?
A moth-er
I’ve been trying to figure out what foods are problematic for me, so I started writing down what I eat in a notebook.
It’s my diary-a
Why can't a leopard hide?
Because he is always spotted.
A woman rejected me because i amputated my toes
She was lack toes intolerant
13-year-old: Did you know that dogs have smooth tongues and cats have rough tongues?
Me: Hmm, I would have thought that dogs were the ones with “ruff” tongues!
What's a fractal mathematician's favorite sausage?
A mandelbratwurst
With my blonde hair and blue eyes, people always ask me if I’m Dutch.
I always tell them, “wooden shoe like to know.”
All these bots making asses of themselves on this sub...
I blame their back end developers ...
Would you ratherWould you rather be left with a cliffhanger
Or...
I kept asking my Dad what LGBTQ stood for...
I never got a straight answer.
During a recent MLB game, a baseball was hit sharply off the edge of the bat after which the first baseman and hitter ran after it into the dugout, never to be seen again.
No foul play was reported.
I bought a thesaurus yesterday.
Not only was it terrible, but it was terrible.
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