I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth this morning. Thankfully no harm was done..
But I'm now speaking with a weird Axe scent..
Just ate my last piece of brie and now it’s raining.
Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
What is the difference between “grey” and “gray”?
“Gray” is a colour, while “grey” is a color.
During our tour of Philadelphia, the guide pointed out the U.S. Mint and said, “Believe it or not, this facility discontinued making pennies here last year.”
I leaned over to my wife and whispered, “That doesn’t make any cents!”
My wife asked me, “Did you eat the last piece of cake in the refrigerator?” I said, “No, I ate it in the living room.”
And, that’s how the fight started!
I nearly lost my job as a roofer after being caught masturbating on the first day.
Luckily the boss said I could wipe the slate clean.
What do you call a man without a body or a nose?
Nobody nose
My wife told me her best friend just discovered the man she’d been dating was actually an android. I said, “That’s awful. Is she handling it okay?”
“Not at all… sounds like she blew a fuse.”
What gender is a doorbell?
Male. It has a ding dong.
What do you call an alligator who is figuring out where to go?
A navigator
What do you call it when you pass gas and it is a masterpiece?
A work of fart!
How does a cannibal get rid of bad breath?
He chews on some Men toes
I date only women who are from the 500s to the 1500s AD.
This is because I'm into middle-aged women.
What do you call a fly with broken wings?
A walk.
My 12 year old son wants to start a hide and seek club
But really good players are hard to find
After days of digging, I've finally cracked Forrest Gump's computer password
Turns out, it's 1Forrest1
Why was the clock exceedingly good at bench press but could never improve his squats?
Because he’s an all arm clock
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside
Did you hear the joke about déjà vu?
Did you hear the joke about déjà vu?
What did Zorro wear as a toddler?
A one-Z
My wife and I were desperately trying to figure out dinner when she sighed, “It’s impossible to make ends meet in this economy. Groceries cost a fortune, and we can barely keep food in the house anymore.” I dug around the freezer and found nothing but an old bag of herbs from our garden.
As she started to tear up, I put my hand on her shoulder, held out the bag, and said, “Babe… these are hard thymes.”
Why shouldn't you look at the turkey dressing?
It will make him blush.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
And I don’t know Y.
The longer you don’t pee
The longer you pee
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