The tiger said "No, that's a stripe."
The bartender asks, "Would you like anything to drink?"
The panda replies, "No thanks, I'm only here to eat."
"So what would you like to eat?"
"I'll just take the fries."
The bartender serves the panda, who enjoys the meal. He asks, "Now, will your payment be cash or card?"
The panda calmly replies, "Oh, just a card."
After paying, the panda gets up and takes out a pistol. He fires a few shots in the direction of a few men, killing some in the process.
The bartender, horrified, shouts, "What the hell was that for? You just killed 4 men!"
The panda says, "I'm a panda, man. Look it up."
The panda then abruptly exits the bar.
The bartender, confused, looks up "Panda" on Google.
The description said:
The giant panda is a bear species endemic to China. It is characterised by its bold black-and-white coat and rotund body. Eats shoots and leaves.
Mom: It’s my daughter, Bernadette. She keeps getting these crazy food cravings, she’s putting on weight, and most mornings she’s sick.
The doctor gives Bernadette a thorough exam, then turns to the mother and says,
Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Bernadette is pregnant. About four months would be my estimate.
Mom: Pregnant?! She can’t be! She’s never even been left alone with a man! Have you, Bernadette?
Bernadette: No, Mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!
The doctor walks over to the window and stares out. About five minutes pass.
Mom: Is something wrong out there, doctor?
Doctor: No, not at all… it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East, and some wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!
But I walked away with my head held high.
(Sorry if this joke has already been done or if I worded it kinda weird. I wouldn’t be surprised if either was the case, but I just thought of this joke and thought it might be funny. I’m starting to second guess myself, but I’m still posting it in hopes that I get at least one laugh. I wasn’t really sure if I should say “not a single person” or “no single person” tbh. Honestly the more I think about it the more I realize this joke probably doesn’t even work but idk)
My 11-year-old sprung that on me tonight. I have no idea where he got it from.
"To my mind it is wholly irresponsible to go into the world incapable of preventing violence, injury, crime, and death. How feeble is the mindset to accept defenselessness. How unnatural. How cheap. How cowardly. How pathetic." - Ted Nugent
