70% of the Earth's surface is covered in water and none of it is carbonated.
That's my proof that the Earth is flat.
I got a new compass, but I don't know how to use it.
It didn't come with directions...
Why is Santa Claus so jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live
I was trying to figure out how to put my seatbelt on today.
Then it suddenly clicked.
A blonde girl was so tired of hearing blonde jokes
To the point she thought about dyeing...
Me: *Asking my kid on their 8th birthday before every meal…*”Are you even hungry? You already 8.”
My wife: *glaring at me for the rest of my life*
I go to the psychiatrist. After 20 minutes, he tells me I have a split personality and asks for $150.
Take it up with the other guy—he's the rich dude.
Did you know everyone is born with four kidneys?When you grow up, two of them become adult knees.
And only one of those works right.
My wife asked if she might have a little peace and quiet while cooking dinner...
So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.
TIL the word gibberish is a palindrome
Backwards it is hsirebbig, which is gibberish
I made a compass that points west instead of northA customer told me it was faulty.
I assured him I had set it up occidentally on purpose.
An obsession over pillows can really get to peopleFirst it’s the synthetics-stuffed pillows…
Then the cotton pillows…
Then it’s all Down from there…
At dinner, I asked my date if she enjoys talking about the American Civil War.
She said, “Sometimes, but not General Lee.“
At one time, I was very poor. I couldn't even pay my electricity bill.
That was the darkest period of my life.
What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?
Father-In-Law!
I told Ivan Drago that Rocky Balboa uses hair coloring...
...He shrugged and said, *"If he dyes, he dyes."*
Orlando Bloom used to have an extensive Lego collection he worked on with his kids. Unfortunately his home was broken into and many sets were stolen.It was a great Lego-loss.
(Not my joke, one of those random Reddit comments under a post, wanted to share because it’s really clever!)
I went to the doctors and told him i had swollen ankles, he said, "gout"
I said "i've only just come in"
What’s at the end of time and space
E
Two guys were loading a coffin into a hearse on a steep incline. After loading, they both get into the vehicle.Two guys were loading a coffin into a hearse on a steep incline. After loading, they both get into the vehicle.
As they start to pull away, the back door swings wide open and the coffin crashes to the ground and starts sliding down the incline, across the intersection, into the store front of a pharmacy and keeps going.
The driver races after it and chases it into the pharmacy.
The pharmacist in the back says "Can I help you?" and the driver says "Yeah, do you have anything to stop this coffin?"
Last night, I had this incredibly vivid dream where a young spirit emerged from the darkness, looked me straight in the eyes, and whispered, “I’m your inner child.”
I was like, “Are you kid in me??”
You know what I’d rate our solar system?
One star
The princess reprimanded the hero for not greeting the villagers...
... because she was educated in the hi rule.
Started a new band called "Duvet"
We're a cover band
Why are bakers so rich?
They make so much dough.
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