After my prostate exam the doctor left and the nurse came in.
As she shut the door she whispers, "who was that?"
It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
As I handed my dear Dad his 65th birthday card, he looked up at me with tears in his eyes and said
“You know son, one would have been enough”
Where does Walmart keep their Terminator toys?
Aisle B, Back.
I might be old but still have the memory of an elephant.
When I was 4 years old, I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
I was assaulted by a man with a block of cheese.
How dairy!
What do pigs use to moisturise their skin?
Oinkment!
I just adopted a dog from the local blacksmith.
when we got home he made a bolt for the door
I can't stop taking photos of myself with a boiling kettle.
My doctor says I have selfie steam issues.
How do most cannibals start their day?
With a nice cup of Joe.
What happens when a microscope crashes into a telescope?
They kaleidoscope.
My buddy was showing me his mineral collection. I said, “So you’re into pyrite?”
He said, “Yeah, but only when I’ve got a healthy apatite.”
There are three truths in religion:1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
Where does a fish go, if he needs medicine?
The PharmaSea
My son has finally surpassed his mom in heightStanding next to her, she said to him “You’re six inches taller than me!”
To which he replied “If you think that’s six inches, Dad’s been lying to you”
(True story, happened yesterday. His timing was impeccable, and he had this great mixture of pride and utter embarassment)
Hiking in your 40s is a great way to meet new people.
Today I met two paramedics, three nurses, a cardiologist and nearly met my maker.
What did the marksman say when he missed?
Shoot!
The key to a good guillotine joke...
is the execution.
How do oysters reproduce?
I’m not sure but I’ve heard they’re pretty shellfish in bed.
What do you call 10,000 soldiers with no legs?
Army.
Southern California must be the most supportive of its working class.It practices SoCalism.
/Sorry if this sounds a bit too political for r/dadjokes
I climbed up a nearby mountain, the view was magnificent from there...
But it was all downhill after that
I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden
Oopsie daisies
What do painters do when they get cold?
Put on an extra coat
What do you get when you cross an angry sheep with an angry cow?
Two animals that are in baaaaad mooooods!!
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