I caught my son chewing on electrical cords…
I grounded him until he can conduct himself properly.
I like my sex life like I like my coffee.
Sometimes hot, sometimes cold… and usually I’m the only one handling it...
Wife worries about husband's safety and calls him and says"Be careful driving home, some complete moron is driving down the wrong side of the motorway."
The husband replies, "There's not just one, there's bloody hundreds of them!"
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
I had surgery scheduled to remove a cyst, but I decided to cancel it.
It’s kinda growing on me.
I asked my dad for sex advice.
He said, “Son… lower your expectations.
What did death say to the calendar?
Your days are numbered.
I saw three Spanish ghosts floating through the hallway.
It gave me the creeps, but I think they were just tres-passing.
Stop throwing sodium chloride at me
That’s a salt..
Why did Sony lose the Karaoke contest?
Because Samsung.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood drive.“What are your blood types?” the nurse asks.
The rabbit replies, “I think I’m a type O."
How do you use reddit without the internet?
You go to the post office!
My GF accused me of being very immature for my age.
That upset me so she's no longer being invited into my tree house.
I asked a Google programmer why it took them so long to update their web browser.
He said "well, Chrome wasn't built in a day."
"Why is there music coming from the printer?"
"The paper is jamming."
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if i'd like to masturbate in the cup...
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but i don't think i am ready to compete just yet"
What did the confused party goer say when he got to the start of the line for root beer?
"Oh, I thought this was the punch line."
How did the whoopee cushion die?
He had a fart attack
Somebody just threw sodium chloride at me
That's assault
Do people in electric cars listen to..
AC/DC.. or something Current?
What's the sport played by LGBTQ community that runs a nation's economy?
Trans-sport.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all.
“How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I ran out of 3V batteries
My watch has ended
I dressed up as a screwdriver this Halloween.
It wasn't the greatest costume but it turned a lot of heads.
What did the fish say when it hit the concrete wall?
Damn!
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