What do you call a cow that had an abortion?
Decaffeinated
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar.
Batman follows them in.
What do you call a horny cow?
Beef jerkey
A friend told me he’s worried about his marriage
His buddy used a page of his wife’s daily planner to smoke cannabis. He’s now worried that his buddy is high on his wife’s to do list.
If I bought an axe from Finland and had it shipped to Canada,
I would have a foreign axe sent🙂
An island nation may shrink its official script to 25 symbols: ABCD_FGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
Probably Haiti.
i love that this generation managed to kill the stereotype that if you have tattoos, you won’t be able to find a job.
bc now nobody can find a job, whether you have tattoos or not.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.I
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020
Because they had a fight and 2021
Why is bread like the sun?
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist
Why did the couple bring a map to bed?
Because they kept getting lost in each other.
I had to create a new email address and couldn't decide between Google or Microsoft. I went back and forth, back and forth before I decided to ask my magic 8 ball.
It said "Outlook not so good"
Bar.A man walks into a bar carrying a large piece of asphalt. He says to the bartender,
“A beer for me…
and one for the road.”
I saw a man shred 5 lbs of cheese in under 30 seconds
It's the gratest thing I've ever seen.
A man thought he was a fish
After examination, doctors concluded he was mentally Eel.
At the old timers bar
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks10p.”
They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be
true.The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come
on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully
stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says, "That'll be 10p each,please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis areproduced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p,please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you
afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?" "I'm a retired
tailor," the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and
decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer—it's all the same." "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of
the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says,
"They're retired people from Yorkshire .
They're waiting for Happy Hour, when
drinks are half-price”.
Doctor: “We’ll have your diagnosis soon. We’re just waiting on your X-Ray.”
Woman: “But we broke up 9 years ago!”
What do you call a fake potato?
An imi-tater
I'm holding an interest in loan words.
I'll be filthy rich once all those countries finally return them.
A herd of cows escaped from their field today.Witnesses described it as…
Udder chaos.
My wife told me she is leaving me because of my Star Wars obsession 😱
May divorce be with you! 🤷♂️
I'M Going to jeopardy to look for work.
I saw on the news that there was 500 jobs in jeopardy.
A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar...
He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road"
I don’t really care for coffee
It’s not my cup of tea
What did the priest shout at the salad bar?
Lettuce Pray.
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