What does DNA stand for?
National dyslexia association
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their grandkids overnight.When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The grandson said, "I don't think you should take one. They're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," he replied.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. "
Later the next morning, the grandson found $110 under his pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
I’ve been struggling to quit heroin
All my attempts have been in vain.
What's the difference between a sock and a camera?A sock takes five toes.
A camera takes photos.
yeah
Who can drink 5L of petroleum and stay perfectly in good health?
Jerry can!
At dinner, my date showed me her car tattoos. “Chevy on my right arm, classic Ford on my left, Toyota on this thigh, Tesla on the other, and check out my belly button!”
I said, “Oh wow, it’s an Audi!” She said, “Yep, a few inches above my Volvo.”
I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with.
She said, “Yes, all the others were nines and tens.” 😭
I don’t care what anyone says, I’m allowed to cook Eastern European dumplings if I want to.
It’s my pierogitive.
I have the breast pillow ever!
It's made of mammary foam.
A man stumbles upon a lamp and a genie pops out and offers him 3 wishes…Man: “For my first wish I'd like to be rich."
Genie: “Alright Rich, what's your second wish"...
My wife said I should try getting into a trade.
So does anybody want a new wife?
SistersThree sisters aged 82, 84 and 86 live in a house together. One night the 86-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, “was I getting in or out of the bath?”.
The 84-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see”. She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells, “was I going up the stairs or down?”.
The 82-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful”. She knocks on wood for good measure then yells out, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door”.
What does GPS stands for
Grandpa's preferred shortcut
A Firefighter runs in to a kindergarten classroom holding up a screwdriver and yells...
"Kids this is not a drill!"
I had a date last night. It was PERFECT.
Today I'll have a banana.
My snooty friend always uses French words like hors d’oeuvres in his day-to-day conversation.
And that’s just…for starters.
My kid came up to my wife and said, “Mom, something’s wrong with the dishwasher.”
She looked at me and said, “Are you okay, babe?“
Did you hear about the witch whose bbq grill exploded?
She was burned at the steak
What do you call a bee that doesn’t brag about their accomplishments?
A humble bee
What do you call an untalented horse?
A zero trick pony
Insects are a really cheap food source
They are locust
I’m starting a new self help group called Hokey Pokey AnonymousIt’s a place to turn yourself around.
To join you just have to show up and put your right leg in…
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that tiny thing?
A guy tries to kill everyone on a train just because he doesn’t like trains…
I think it’s quite a loco motive.
I saw a very strange Bill in the Aussie Parliament, it was in favour of replacing the national anthem with a popular Kylie Minogue cover
They might do that loco motion
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