Dad: "Name a country without the letter R in it."
Son: "No way!"
My neighbour named his dog '5 miles' so he could tell people he walked 5 miles every day.
Well today I ran over 5 miles...
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Did you hear about the cowboy who adopted a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.
A museum in Paris, France recently gifted the painting “Impression Sunrise” to the band Dire Straits.
When asked about it, lead singer Mark Knopfler said the band felt honored to get Monet for nothing.
When a woman says she'll be ready in five minutes, she will be.
No need to remind her every 15 minutes.
What is the opposite of lady fingers?
Mentos
a physicist froze himself at -273.15 °C. everyone said he was crazy but..
he was 0K.
I was at a coffee shop in Italy, and asked the waiter what it’s called when they pour espresso over ice cream
He couldn’t remember.
Knee stiffness
After my wife and I got in bed last night, I told her that my knee was stiff and asked her if she could rub it. She asked which knee, I said my wee knee.
Just had the best sex of my life, with a nun
Holy fuck!
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles
Who the hell runs 8 miles in 2 minutes
Teacher: “Can you make a sentence using the word ‘initiate’?”
Student: “My mom ate two hamburgers, initiate a bag of potato chips.”
Germans must hate sausages
They’re always calling them the wurst.
What do you call a paper airplane that can’t fly?
Stationary!
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four they’d be chicken sedans
While walking around in Paris, I saw this magnificent steel structure. I kept looking up at it instead of the ground so I tripped and took a tumble.
when people asked, I just tell them "I got hurt by the I fall tower"
Not many people know this, but Shakespeare's Othello was an ordained minister who performed weddings.
Like I always say: The Moor, the marrier.
Just got a new job making plastic Draculas
There are only two of us on the assembly line, so I have to make every second Count.
Don’t ever hit a man with glasses.
Hit him with a bat.
My wife said, “It’s impossible to get anywhere arguing with you because you’re such a contrarian!”
I said, “That’s not true!!”
I just got a shift as a security guard at a samsung store.
So now I can call myself the guardian of the galaxy
What do you call a British spaceman?
An arsetronaut
I saw a joke the other day about the number 404
But for some reason, It can't be found anymore.
What does Robert Downey Jr say at the gym?
Let's pump some iron man
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