My girlfriend told me that sex is much better on vacation.
That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.
I went to a Indian restaurant last night.After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners."
It was my complimentary nan
Where do bank robbers buy their getaway cars?
At the flee market.
What do you call an illiterate nazi?
Anti-semantic
I got mugged by six dwarves last night.
Not Happy.
How did the HVAC installer avoid getting hit in the head?
He duct
I ain't fancy like Elon Musk
So I put a gallon of apple juice in my pickup and called it a Cider Truck.
My ex wife used to hit me with stringed instruments...
If only I had known she had a history of violins
Timmy: Mommy, I don't want to go to school today. The kids all bully me and call me names and stuff.
Mommy: Now come on Timmy, you know you have to go in. After all, you're the headmaster.
Where do pirates get their hooks?
Second hand stores.
My deaf girlfriend told me she feels sick
that's not a good sign
Burglar.
Did you hear about the burglar who fell into a cement mixer?
Now he’s a hardened criminal.
In other news......the sexual position formerly known as 69 will be replaced with 96.
Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.
My wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said I didn’t know he could.
^One for the older kids^. Why do Monsters hate eating ghosts? 👻
Because they taste like sheet.
What do you call an over used werewolf plot device?
A lycan trope
Whenever I get self-conscious in social situations, I reach into my pocket and rub a tiny rock.
Then I start feeling a little boulder.
“Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?”
“This is Alexa.”
My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
It took years of study, but...
...I’ve finally memorized all the words to 'Tequila' by The Champs.
My girlfriend and I were setting up camp when we heard someone screaming “Help! Help me!” from deep in the woods. I immediately dropped what I was doing, wrapped myself in a giant warm pita, and while I slathered on tzatziki sauce, my girlfriend pleaded, “Please, stop!…”
“You don’t always have to be a gyro.”
What do you call a guy who is even more laidback than Jeffery Lebowski?
Subdued
Did you hear about the Barbarian Warrior Dad?He obtained an extremely large, very sharp battle ax - his weapon of choice, and named it.
...Kindness.
I can’t remember what chronic means
It’s been bothering me for years
We were wrapping up breakfast at Cracker Barrel when the server approached my elderly father, “I can take your plate if you’re done eating.” He replied, “Eh? Whit did ye say?” She leaned in and spoke louder, “SIR, ARE… YOU… FINISHED?”
He frowned, “Och, hell naw! Ah’m fae Scotland!!”
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