Did you hear about the guy who collapsed trying to climb Mount Everest?
Authorities just found Himalayan there.
Did you know that Bigfoot often gets confused for Sasquatch,
yeti never complains.
What is brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre
What type of workouts did Jesus do?
Crossfit
My son told me trees poop. I said no they don't.
He replied, 'Then where do number 2 pencils come from?'
Why should you never clean your teeth with the left hand?
Because a toothbrush is much more effective.
Did you know there is one specific model of car you can legally drive in the bus lane, but only in reverse
Because if you are going backwards in a Subaru , U R A Bus
I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized...
I don't even have a coconut...
My wife said all I do is make stupid animal jokes
She’s free to see otter people
Why do people say quitters never win?
I quit smoking years ago and that was quite the victory.
What is the cleanest animal in the savanna?The hygiena (credits to my 12yo son)
And the dirtiest animal? The unhygiena (credits to my 10yo daughter…)
I lost my virginity when I was a teenager at a weight-loss camp. She was, by far, the largest of all the other campers there. At one point she looked down at me and said I was her first crush.
…and she left quite an impression on me.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide
Why did the ram go off the cliff?
He didn't see the ewe turn.
I broke two of my dads Queen records...
Now I want to break three.
Star Wars fans: Where do you take a sick Taun-Taun?
To a Hoth-pital!
Yknow, I actually got this haircut yesterday. Its not my style but...
I think its growing on me.
What do you call pastrami that you haven't made yet?
Futurerami
Being born the day after April 1st and avoiding your birthday being a joke all your life is
Fortuitous
I hired a troop of actors to renovate my house
But they kept breaking the fourth wall
Puzzle
What can you touch with your left hand that you can’t touch with your right hand? Your right elbow.
Bell.Sure, Alexander Graham Bell was great,
but I'm more impressed by the work of his brother, Taco.
What’s the internal temperature of a Taun Taun?
Luke warm.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom!!!
A brain and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar
The bar man said, "You're going to have to leave. You're out of your head, and you look like you want to start something"
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