My 8-year-old daughter started crying on "Take Your Daughter to Work Day."
As my coworkers gathered around to check on her, she sobbed, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you work with?"
I saw my doctor today. Showed him the rash on my bum,
but he completely ignored me and kept scanning his groceries through the checkout...
When LoTR was filming in NZ, the crew had a lot of problems with the monks at a nearby monastery who kept showing up on set who would try to sell them some of the local wildflowers.When LoTR was filming in NZ, the crew had a lot of problems with the monks at a nearby monastery who kept showing up on set who would try to sell them some of the local wildflowers. The local authorities did not want to get involved. So Peter Jackson brought in a bunch of sheep and let them loose to eat all the wildflowers. What was unusual was that only the female sheep would eat the flowers.
But I guess that proves the old saying: Only ewe can prevent florist friars.
At a work conference icebreaker, we had to go around our table and share something we’d been learning this year. On my turn I said, “I’ve been taking Braille classes, but I probably shouldn’t even be bringing that up right now.” After an awkward silence, someone finally asked, “Why not?”
I replied, “It’s kind of a touchy subject.”
Why does the pirate alphabet have 32 letters instead of 26?
Because it has the Seven C’s!
What breed of dog do magicians prefer?
Labracadabradors.
Apparently, you can tell male and female.ants apart quite easily.... Just need to briefly put them in a little bit of waterIf it sinks it means it's a girl ant...
If it floats...buoyant
Always say yes to a quick 30 minute drink with your buddy.
Those 90 minutes could be the best six hours of your life.
My parrot has died of obsesity.
To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders.
What do you call the butt of a chicken?
The Egg-xit
Two guys are trying to get out of workThe first hangs from the ceiling yelling “I’m a light bulb”
Boss comes in “wow you’ve lost it. Take a day”
The second man starts walking away
“Woah where are you going?”
The man replies “What you expect me to work on the dark”
Just spent $100 on a belt that doesn't fit!
Huge waist.
My kids: Dad, you’d be good at yoga.
Me: That’s a bit of a stretch.
I recently took up this new hobby where I eat a bunch of clocks and watches...
It is very time consuming.
Just think, whenever you park your car someone in an alternate reality is…
…Parallel parking!
My wife thinks I drive so she can be my "passenger princess".....
the truth is I drive because I value my life.
A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar
The bartender takes one look at them and says “what is this some sort of joke?”
Plumbers are the sneakiest people.
They’re always snaking around.
I don't know why I don't like needles.
They just get under my skin.
I'm going to solve 1 + 2 + 3 + ... + 100.
I have a 5050 chance of getting it right.
I dated a girl with a lazy eye
... until I realized she was seeing someone on the side.
what is a Caveman's favorite music genre?Hard Rock
What's a blacksmith's favorite music genre?
Heavy Metal
What's a president's favorite music genre?
Country
What's a roman emperor's favorite music genre?
Latin
What's a rabbit's favorite music genre?
Hip Hop
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on count of 3. He says ‘uno, dos’ poof
He disappeared without a tres.
My wife gave me an envelope marked, "Not to be opened until 2027.”
Inside was a list of reasons why I can't be trusted to carry out simple instructions.
Did you know that ten plus ten and eleven plus eleven are the same thing?
It's true. Ten plus ten is twenty, and eleven plus eleven is twenty, too.
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