How do you get down from a moose?
You don’t. You get down from a goose.
If Natalie Portman dated Zachary Quinto…
Their celebrity couple name would be Portmanto.
I was walking past a farm with a sign saying "Duck, Eggs"....
I thought the comma was unnecessary, and then it hit me.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Doyouthinkhe-saurus
what happens when someone slaps you at high frequency?
it Hertz
A guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?"
The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."
Anyone know if you can provide a skin graft from your own butt?
Ass skin for a friend.
So a frog got his DNA tested
Turns out he's part Irish, part German, and a tad pole.
I was shocked to find out there's another word for canning
It was jarring
My dad married a chicken.
She's not my real mom, so I call her Stephen.
How many Blue Whales live in the ocean?
All of them.
Why did the jaguar eat the tightrope walker?
It was craving a well balanced meal.
What does a cold drink?
Cough-ee
I told my GF, “I have a weird feeling we have been to this French restaurant before.”Her: Are you having deja vu?
Me: No. The chicken.
The inventor of the lozenge died
As per his request, there will be no coffin.
My friend has been engaged over 5 times but never married.
That's a lot of near Mrs.
What’s the difference between a lemur and Elon Musk?Elon made an electric car.
The lemur Madeagascar.
Never argue with left handed people...
They're not right
I saw my neighbor outside washing his car with his son
I told him maybe he should consider using a sponge instead.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
What do you get when the sun bends over?
The crack of dawn
When eating an alphabet soup, one must be careful
It could spell disaster
Why did the math book look sad?
Because it had too many problems.
I have an addiction to stairs
I'm currently in a 12 step recovery program
A blonde city girl named Amy married a Colorado rancher.One morning. on his way out to check on the fields, her husband said, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
After awhile, the artificial insemination guy arrived and knocked on the front door.
“I’m here to inseminate the cow,” he said.
Amy took him down to the barn. They walked along the row of cows and when Amy saw the nail she told him, “This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he was dealing with an airhead blonde, asked, "Tell me – because I'm dying to know – how would YOU know this is the right cow to be bred?”
"That's easy," Amy answered. “By the nail that's over the stall.”
Laughing rudely, the man said, “And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
Amy turned to walk away and said sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied.
Slam dunk, blondie!
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