I got gas for $1.49 today
Unfortunately it was from Taco Bell
Even though I hate it, I just default to using Google's browser on every device I own. I don't even try to customise it to make it better.
I think I must have stock Chrome syndrome.
I asked my husband to explain "active verbs" to me, but after his explanation
I know I'm fucking stupid.
What do you call two pairs of underwear getting into a fight?
Boxers.
I made a belt out of watches and showed my wife.
She called it a waist of time.
Amazingly - scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dishAmazingly - scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish
The results speak for themselves
Why did the ape go to prison?
He was running a chimponzi scheme.
Teacher: What is the most important punctuation mark?Johnny: The period?
Teacher: Can you tell me
why?
Johnny: I don't know, but when my sister missed one of hers, my mom fainted, my dad got mad, and the neighbor left town and never came back.
My stepson set me up perfectlyMy wife enjoys butterscotch pudding for dessert, and since I love my wife, I made some for her last night.
She finished eating some of it and called my stepson downstairs to put the remainder in the fridge for her.
He came in, grabbed the container, and started coughing(he's allergic to the world and has had post nasal drip all week). When he started coughing, the wife said "Don't cough on my pudding!"
To which I said "Yeah! It's butterscotch flavored, not coffee flavored!"
Fellow Dad's the groan my wife made sounded like she was possessed of the devil. She then threw something at me and said I wasn't allowed to talk for the rest of the night.
I heard that all the rain we had this year has made it hard for owls to find mates
Apparently it's too wet to woo
When I was a child, I was made to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
I used to guide tour groups through Jesus’s tomb.
But there’s just no prophet in it.
What do you call a very talkative potato farmer?
A yammer
My brother and I used to stretch a string between two tin cans. I would hold one tin can up to my ear while he yelled into the other.
Which is probably why I suffer from tinnitus
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
It's pasteurized before you even see it.
At the end of October, witches post reminders to not fly angryAt the end of October, witches post reminders to not fly angry.
Every Halloween there’s an accident, when someone flies off the handle.
How did Nixon exonerate himself after making a horrible breakfast?
“I am not a cook.”
I got my friend fake vomit for his birthday
It was a gag gift
Why did Betty and Veronica fly to Mexico for a concert?
They heard it was a marry Archie band.
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.It’s a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Supplies!
I'd make a joke about Trump's promised $5000 tariff check
But I don't think anyone will get it.
Now that The Who has retired from touring, Roger Daltrey decides to open a new pub in SoHo. He invites his friend Gandalf to the grand opening.Gandalf walks in, looks around, whistles, and runs his hand along the mahogany countertop.
“Nice,” Gandalf says. “What do you call it?”
Roger Daltrey says, “I call that a bar, Gan. The best I ever had.”
My son was reading a book yesterdayI asked him what he was reading and he told me it was The Hound of Baskervilles.
I told him I knew what it was about, a dog from Baskervilles.
He gave me a sideways look. I said to him, “you know how you respond to that? No shit, Sherlock.”
He actually high fived me for it.
While my wife and I were waiting for breakfast, I suggested we do a little pegging.
She said, “Do you have to say it like that every time we’re at Cracker Barrel?”
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