Sex in a canoe is like American beer
it’s fucking close to water.
Most people don't know that back in 1912, the Titanic sank carrying 12,000 jars of Hellmann's mayonnaise bound for Mexico...
The Mexican people, who were eagerly awaiting the shipment, were so heartbroken over the loss that they established a National Day of Mourning every May 5th to remember the disaster. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
l just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I got fired from the orange juice factory.
I couldn’t concentrate.
My boyfriend told me I have a terrible sense of direction, I got really mad at him.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I could never tell time, so I had a neurosurgeon implant a clock in my brain.
But now I’m having second thoughts.
I asked the chef at my local curry house for his flatbread recipe, but he wouldn’t budge.
Turns out he signed a naan-disclosure agreement.
Don't stoop to someone's level when they call you fat.
You're bigger than that.
Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.
What does DNA stand for?
National dyslexia association
Why is the river not a fun place to swim?
Because it’s full of bass-turds.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet
It’s really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean
What’s a pea’s favorite thing to listen to?
A podcast
How do seashells stay clean?
They wash up on the beach.
My new sweater had a lot of static so I had to return it.
The shop gave me a new one free of charge.
What is it called when your father is committed to going on holiday.
Dadication!
What do you call shooting craps in the Garden of Eden?
A pair of dice lost.
I don't need every detail about the weather from June, July and August.
Just give me the summery.
What's the difference between a sock and a camera?A sock takes five toes.
A camera takes photos.
yeah
What do you call a short celebrity?
A dwarf star.
I’ve been struggling to quit heroin
All my attempts have been in vain.
I once had a goal of being a plumber
It turned out to be a pipe dream
A tourist guide that I had trusted, lied to me and overstated how great this hiking route was....
It was a total B-trail.
Turns out the Romans are huge cannibalists
Walked along the Colloseum today and all I heard was "Glad he ate her".
HUUURRKKK! GAAAACK! KHHH-KHHH-KHHH! GLUUURRKK! ACK-ACK-AAAACK! HRRRAAAKK! URRRRRGGHHK!
Sorry. That was one of my worst dad chokes.
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