I ran out of clean socks. So I piled all my dirty ones on a tray, grabbed my detergent, and headed down a steep hill from my home to the laundromat. As I was descending, I slipped and fell, sending the dirty socks flying one way, and the detergent flying another way. So there I was...
Sittin' on the sock by the tray, watching the Tide roll away.
What did the German man say when he was asked if he’d like 5 Dolly Parton impersonators to perform for him?
He said “Nein” to five.
I just heard the sad news
About Dolly parting. 😢
One of my employees said they needed bereavement for the rest of the day after hearing about Dolly Parton.
I told her she should honor her memory, finish the day, and work 9 to 5.
RIP Dolly (stolen from Johnny Carson)Carnac the Magnificent: “A home run, a triple; a catcher's mitt, a 1st basemen's mitt; and Dolly Parton.”
👳♂️✉️
“Name 2 big hits, 2 big mitts…and a country-western singer.”
RIP Dolly — you were the best ❤️❤️
Large birds often get bullied because of how big they areYou could say they’re….
Ostrichsized
Did you know that birthdays are really good for your health?
The more you have them, the longer you live.
My doctor told me he has to amputate both my arms...
I don't know how i'll handle that.
Why did the crab cross the road?
He didn't. He used the sidewalk.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles
I'm experiencing constant vowel movements
What's the gender of a doorbell?
Male, because it has a ding dong.
What do you call a hooker who is great at keeping time?
Whorologist
What did the drummer name his twin girls?
Anna 1, Anna 2.
I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers!
What are the odds?
Driver Instructor to driving student “ You are driving, there is an old woman and a young child in front of you, what do you hit?” Driving Student “ Well I guess I would hit the old woman, the child has their whole life ahead of them.”
Driver Instructor “You hit the Brakes!”
Did you hear about the Italian chef who got banned from Broadway after a bribery scandal?
He tried to rigatoni.
What do you call a Grandma that weighs a tonne?
Megagran
Friend in the kitchen industryOne of my good friends owns a kitchen remodeling business, but he tells me he's thinking about narrowing his focus - no appliances, no flooring, lights, fans, cabinets...
I told him such a move would be counter-productive.
What kind of key can open a banana?
A monkey
I’d love to tell a cash machine joke
but i haven’t got one atm
I want to stream a production of Hamlet
Should I watch Tubi or not Tubi?
What do you call a hippie's wife?
Mississippi.
A trip to the grocery store
I was having a birthday party for my niece and wanted to make her cake, so I went to the grocery store. Much to my dismay, all of the baking items I needed were on top shelves, out of my reach. A Viking saw my predicament and asked if he could help by letting me sit on his shoulders to get what I needed. In just a few minutes, I had everything so he put me back down. I shook his hand, thanked him, then asked him his name but he said he didn't have one. I then realized...I'd been through the desserts on a Norse with no name.
My dog got into our scrabble box and ate a whole bunch of word tiles, we rushed her to the vet and are still waiting.
No word yet.
What?
I don’t understand why my audiologist said I need heron eggs.
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