Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He won the no-bell prize.
I was feeling a little playful yesterday...and said to my wife "Look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits."
She said: "For God’s sake man, it’s a scarf!"
What’s the opposite of a croissant?
A happy uncle
What does an escalator do when it stops working? Nothing, It just stairs.
The term "t-shirt" actually stands for something. Tyranosaurus Shirt.
Ya'know, because of the short arms.
I shouldn't have went driving today; the roads were very slippery here in Canada.
The ice is the united states is still a lot worse though.
I WAS SKEPTICAL OF MY CHIROPRACTOR
BUT I STAND CORRECTED
What did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?
Cool Ranch!
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
I ate foods while I was underwater
It was mouth-watering
I heard that by law you have to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How the hell am I suppose to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
The bible clearly states that we should not be reaching arithmetic in school
It's in the book of Math-ew
What time do you usually go to the dentist?
2:30
At the thieves convention, there was a standing ovation for the guy who specialized in stealing boat parts.
He took a bow.
Math teacher says: "50 percent of the class have failed the recent test"
Pupil/student from back row replies: "We're not even that many here in class!"
Circle flies #563A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding and the trooper started to lecture the farmer and threw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, but as he was he kept swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper said, “Yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."
Well, circle flies are common on farms,” replied the farmer. “They’re called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stopped and said, "Hey...wait a minute, are you calling me a horse's ass?”
“Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass,” replied the farmer.
The trooper said, "Well, that's a good thing," and went on writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer said, "Can’t fool those circle flies, though."
What do you call a watermelon that committed a crime?
Water-Fellon
I've seen that RAM is getting more expensive.
So I've opted to buy some goats instead.
I've been eating a lot of office supplies
They're the staple of my diet
Did you hear about the wig thief who escaped from prison?
Police are combing the area to find him.
Why was the student's report card all wet
it was below c level
Did you hear about the nobel prize winning Irish farmer?
He was out standing in his field.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field!
Why couldn't the pregnant fly be killed?
Because the flyswatter broke.
One for my son this morning. “You know goalkeepers wear gloves on their hands?” “Yeh, sure!” “Do you know why?” “Errr, no?”
“Because if they put them on their feet their boots wouldn’t fit”
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