Rofkar Computer Sciences

I pleaded, “Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!” He said, "Repeat infractions?" I responded...
"Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!"

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump said he did it and they all clap in the dark

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
“Yes,” he said. “My Grandad taught me.”

“Good. So what comes after eight?”

“Nine,” answered Johnny.

“And what comes after nine?”

“Ten.”

“And what comes after ten?”

“The jack.”

Where do bad rainbows go?
​

To prism.

It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to refract.

My daughter’s boyfriend just Dad Joked me and I’ll be honest, I think she needs to marry him.
So last night we had some storms roll through including some really wicked lightning. I still made a point to make a beer run, and when I got back I posted a video of the lightning to Facebook with a caption explaining the beer run as a context.

My daughter’s boyfriend responds with: “It must have been pretty scary if it made your beer run.”

I already knew this before she moved in with him, but I think the guy’s a winner, folks.

I have a joke about a girl who only eats plants
But you probably never heard of herbivore

What do you call two men sitting on a window?
Kurt n Rod.

Every time I create a profile on Reddit it gives me a vampire-related username.
Guess something's up with the Create Account button.

did you hear about the guy who dunked his balls in glitter?
pretty nuts.

Why is it so difficult change a light bulb?
Everyone who tries keeps screwing up

My wife wants to use kilometers instead of miles but still use inches instead of centimeters.
I told her I wouldn't meter halfway.

What genre are all National Anthems?
Country

How do you tie your shoes in outer space?
With astro-knots

I wanted to start a new diet today.
I’ve just got too much on my plate right now, though.

I would love to get paid to sleep.
That’d be my dream job.

You know what's wrong with the education system?
It's biased against dumb people.

This man was about to throw dough, cheese, and tomatoes at me…
I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

Have you heard of the Irishman who can bounce off walls?
Rick O'Shea

Cepahlomelia, a genetic disorder in cows, causes a leg to grow straight from the head
At first it seems like a disability, but compared to everyone else, I’d say they’ve got a leg up!

I had a terrifying out-of-body experience last night...
I was beside myself with fear!

I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger
Then it hit me

I am never buying anything with Velcro.
What a total rip off!

My 5 yo asked what my favorite pokemon was
I told him it was Metamucil, who evolves into Dulcolax.

Just as Count Dracula was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open and a host of furious villagers stormed in, waving blazing torches and shouting dire threats.
The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from
them.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid citizen of some fifty years, but looking older, as though wracked by years of grief.
“For your many crimes against the people, we have come to bring you judgment!"

The dread vampire lord gave a low, mocking laugh. "Buffoon!" he snorted, "there is nothing you can or dare do to me!"

"You are wrong," declared the burgomaster. "We have prepared well -- aided by the wise advice of our honored visitor -- and it is you who will find there is nothing you can do. We have garlic, mirrors,
the Holy Crucifix, the Host, the holy water and a specially large axe prepared for you. Seize him!"

At once the Count was seized by the brawny arms of half a dozen of the townsfolk, while the crowd parted to reveal a particularly burly man, head shrouded in a hood of black velvet and who was holding
a massive headsman's axe firmly in his two knotted hands.

Screaming in rage, the Count was swiftly pinioned with his head on the block as the burgomaster leaned forward, his face creased in pain and fury.

"Your time is come, monster! Only one thing can save you now - the location of all the treasure you have plundered from our town over the centuries!"

Despite the danger of his perilous position Dracula laughed "So we come to the true purpose of this charade -- pure naked greed. You will get no treasure from me!"

"Then your head shall be cut off
on the count of three," answered the the burgomaster. "Headsman, raise your axe, and prepare to strike."

"You are bluffing!" sneered the Count. "The treasure is where you will never find it!"

"One"

"Cut my head off and the treasure is lost for ever!"

"Two"

"I defy you, burgomaster! I defy you!"

"Three!"

"Wait! It is in the --"

Even as the vampire's nerve broke, the heavy axe was swinging down and could not be halted, and with one clean strike the headsman took off Count Dracula's head.

There was a gasp from the crowd at the realization that in another second they would have known where the treasure was, but the burgomaster drew himself up.

"Have no fear," he said, "we have ample leisure to search, and we are sure to find the treasure with care and patience."

He could not, however, suppress a slight flicker of apprehension at the thought that the Count might have told the truth.

And so it proved when a month later he was forced to admit it after they had turned over every stone in Castle Dracula, with never a sign of the treasure.

van Helsing nodded philosophically. “I feared it would be so," he said. "You see, you should never hatchet your Count before he chickens."

A King and a Queen walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and says...

"Sorry, but you're not 21."