Fun fact: Koi fish always travel in groups of 4.
If attacked, the A B and C koi will scatter, leaving behind the D koi.
My favorite dad joke
I’ve said it for years and no one in my family laughs. Every time I drive by a car dealership early in the morning or late at night, I point to all the cars in the lot and loudly remark how crazy it is that they’re so busy.
In the morning, the executioner reads his newspaper and eats breakfast. Then he looks at his watch and says to his wife:
"Alright, it's time to head off."
A woman was found guilty in court of a traffic violation, and when asked for her occupation, she said she was a school teacher.The judge rose from the bench and said: “Ma’am, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court.”
“Why is that Your Honor?” asked the teacher.
The judge smiled with delight and said: “I’m going to need you to sit down at that table and write ‘I will not run red a light’ 500 times.” 🤣
A one L Lama is a religious leader. A two LL Llama is a humped animal. What is a three L lama?
A really big fire.
I accidentally sprayed axe body spray in my mouth…
Now I talk with an axe scent.
What kind of magazines do cows read?
cattle-logs
I bought Mandalorian steel on the black market to make an automobile.
It's the beskar I've ever made.
What did the person that illegally downloaded the entire Wikipedia say when getting arrested?
"Wait! I can explain everything!"
Why did Aladdin get banned from races?
Because he used performance-enhancing rugs!
I wanted to cook some alligator.
But all I have is a crock-pot.
I got a text that I won $250 or tickets to an elvis tribute
It said reply with 1 for the money or 2 for the show
Me to wife: happy Chaka Khan day
Wife: today is international women's day Me: she's every woman.
My wife keeps calling me a flamingo.
I couldn’t take it anymore so I put my foot down.
Oak.Son: *holding an acorn* What's this?
Me: An oak tree.
Son: Really?
Me: In a nutshell, yes.
What do you do to an elephant with three balls?
Walk him and pitch to the giraffe
I have a new job testing guillotines.
I will beheading there tomorrow
Motjaba Khameini should make all Iranians learn Karate.
He would be the first Hiya-tollah.
I went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole
He said they all look that way and I should have left it in the garden.
Ive been trying to figure out why there’s so many baseballs in my backyard.
Then it hit me.
Chinese takeout: $25. Getting home and finding out part of your order is missing:
Riceless
Guys, let’s hear it for protein powder
Wheeeey.
I love jokes about the eyes…
…the cornea the better!
One of my greatestMy wife last night, at a charity dinner: oh my gosh, babe! That’s my high school statistics teacher!
Me, immediately: what are the odds??
You hear about that Texan who always paid his spousal support in time?
He remembered the Alimony.
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