When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!” I replied, “Sure, it does.”
“It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
I messaged my wife from Victoria’s Secret. “Hey babe what’s your cup size?” She replied, “….y?”
I wrote, “damn, they don’t carry that.”
To stop ants from coming into your home, leave a saucer of milk outside. The adult ants drink it and it has an effect on ant reproduction. The young ants are born without toes so they can't climb into your house walls.
The effect is called "lacked toes in toddler ants."
Two guys walk into a bar. "Hey donkey get the beers" shouts one guy to the other. The barman says to the guy, "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?"
And the man replies "It's OK, he aw ... he aw ... he always calls me donkey"
I asked his girl out for coffee. She said: “Great, how about 10 tomorrow?”
10 is a mental amount of coffees to drink. Date cancelled.
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.Clooney says, "I'll direct."
DiCaprio says, "I'll act."
McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
What car do sushi chefs drive?
Rolls Rice.
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.
I just handed in my too weak notice.
What do you call a 7 with the flu?
A sick seven
I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus...
...and that's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I passed gas in front of a friend
I passed gas in front of a friend, and it made that unmistakable rat-a-tat sound of weapons used by 1920’s gangsters. My friend said “From now on, I’m calling you Machine Gun Smelly!”
I had a debate with a flat earther. He said he’ll walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong…
…I’m sure he’ll come around. 🤣
If you're going to be an acronym....
You've got to stand for something.
One of my family heirlooms is a globe.
It means the world to me.
I moved into an igloo and my friends threw me a housewarming party
Worst idea ever. Now I’m homeless
I identify as condescending.
My pronouns are there/there.
Racecar backwards is still Racecar...
But racecar upside-down is expensive.
Nudist group protester
My neighbor was part of a nudist group that went to the state capital building to protest their nude beach being closed. When they got there, they got undressed on the ground floor to start their protest. They found that the elevators were out of order so they had to walk up crowded public stairs to get to the top floor. After he got about a fourth of the way up, he changed his mind, quickly walked down and went home. I asked him if he turned around due to so many steps. He replied, "It was too many stares."
I have a step ladder
i lost my real ladder at a young age
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.
“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again.
Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag.
He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.
“That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”
So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”
Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
The other day, a homeless man asked me for a dollar.
I told him that I only carry big bills. He asked me for one of those, so I gave him my electric bill.
A woman was arrested for laughing like a man.
She was charged with manslaughter.
What did 50 Cent do when he got hungry?
58
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity
I can’t put it down.
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