What do you call someone who believes only 12.5% of the Bible is true?
An eighth-theist
Hi everyone, 26F here :)
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
A man was bludgeoned with a clarinet, a cello, and a French horn.
Police say it was an orchestrated attack.
What’s the difference between toilet paper and curtains?(Expecting the answer “I don’t know”)
So it was you!
Why is the ocean always grumpy?
You'd be grumpy too if you had all those crabs in your bottom
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because the chicken had a laser pointer.
My wife wanted to go out to a restaurant. I spent an hour complaining about it, but then I gave in as usual.
I like to whine and dine her.
what do you call a two dollar chicken? buck buck
I got thrown out of Mime Club yesterday
It must have been something I said
I told my gf to dress up so that we can go to the most expensive place in town
The gas station
Did you hear about the pirate who tried learning the alphabet?
He got lost at C…
I got a new compass, but I don't know how to use it.
It didn't come with directions...
What is the best grade in Pirate School?
The High C's
My friends keep trying to get me drunk
It’s a form of beer pressure
They’re getting a mold for me to bite down on for them to model the crown
I hope I make a good impression
What's that sweet, sticky thing on the road?
traffic jam.
What’s it called when your doctor corrects your punctuation?
A medically induced comma
A guy walks into a bar joke
A writer walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life," he tells the bartender. "It's an oughtobiography."
Son: Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?
Dad: No sun.
I caught my 5-year-old trying to put their shoes on the wrong feet today
I told them, "Hey buddy, those are on the wrong feet."
They looked down, looked up at me super confused, and asked, "How? These are the only feet I have!"
I was trying to figure out how to put my seatbelt on today.
Then it suddenly clicked.
70% of the Earth's surface is covered in water and none of it is carbonated.
That's my proof that the Earth is flat.
Why is Santa Claus so jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live
I was supposed to draw a male cow, but I drew it as a female instead.
I made a Miss Steak.
Johnny was no scientist, now Johnny is no more, because Johnny confused H²O with H²SO⁴
This one's an old favourite from when I was at school.
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