My wife is divorcing me because she thinks I'm "too un-American".
I saw this coming from a kilometer away.
Where do bad rainbows go?To prism.
It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to refract.
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie...” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh for Pete's sake!" exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
What type of Jeans do ghost hunters wear?
Nothing special, just a Paranormal ones.
You know a French kiss, but what's an Australian kiss?
The same as a French kiss, but down under.
I just turned 40 and I groan every time I get up now
I’m finally a groan man
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...
They become VERY ANGRY.
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
When I visited Nashville with my daughter, I told her, "I don't think they have pickleball here."
She pointed at a nearby court and said, "But they do have tennis. See?"
I went to the local Ice Cream Parlor and the clerk said: “We have a special on sundaes!”…
So I said: “Ok, I’ll come back.”
What does Lionel Ritchie wear when he's home alone?
All nylon.
I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.
I took a day off without telling anyone.
Two string instruments were having an intense argument. One said to the other, "You say you're a harp, but you sure don't look like one! You're too small!"
The second instrument snapped back, "Are you callin' me a lyre?"
What do you call a piano made from discarded pianos?
A Frankensteinway!
I went to a wedding on Saturday, but the groom never showed.
It's hard to believe, but the wedding went off without a hitch.
Turquoise is the best color.
It's been cyantifically proven.
An old man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’ve got a serious problem. I keep forgetting things!”The doctor says, “How long has this been going on?”
The old man pauses, looks confused, and says,
“How long has what been going on?”
How do you keep a moron in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow
My son asked why parents count to three
Because two is hope and three is paperwork.
I accidentally swallowed some food colouring
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Billie Joe Armstrong had a dog named CologneHe walked Cologne, He walked Cologne!
(Courtesy my 12 year old!)
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I just got put in handcuffs by some army ants
I didn't know there were war ants out for my arrest
Wife sad the deck gets too hot, needs shade.
I don't know how a can o' peas is going to help, but anything to keep her happy!
Have you heard that a rancher has started feeding his cattle marijuana?
It's a very high steaks venture.
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