My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's"
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
My wife got our son an air freshener for his car that looks like a mini guitarShe said, "I don't know what it smells like."
I said, "Smells like teen spirit."
He said, "You're not funny."
An actual conversation this morning.
I've been training my dog to fetch tools from my workbench.
He isn't perfect but he knows the drill.
Did you know that 40% of your BRAIN is AI?
The other 60% is BR & N.
I heard there was a new store called moderation.
They have everything in there!
A few weeks ago I started dating an entomologist. I told her, “Every time I see you, you still give me butterflies.”
She said, "I don't mind; My collection is huge."
Coffee was recently voted the best beverage in the nation, but the election was rigged...
There were many Absent Tea ballots.
What song did Mr. Ed sing to Mr. Rogers?
Won’t You Be My NEIGHbor?
In a foot race between Julius Ceasar and Joseph Stalin, who would win?
Stalin, because he was rushin'. Ceasar was just roamin' and also had twenty-three stab wounds.
What type of music is played over footage of No Kings Protests?
Royalty-free music
What do you call an american bee?
A USB
Which state of the USA is best known for its clean laundry?
Washing-ton.
Today I installed a huge lamp on the top of my house.
Thats pretty much the highlight of my day.
How do you make a nickname longer?
Turn it into a nicholasname.
What do you call a teacher who forgot to take attendance ?
Absent-minded.
Have you picked a date for our wedding?
Um, I assumed I'd be going with you..
I had a great conversation with a dolphin the other day
We just… I don’t know… we just click
An old gout shuffles into an ice cream parlorPainfully he manages to climb onto a stool
Waitress comes around he orders a Banana split
Crushed Nuts asks the waitress
No he replies Arthritis
Did you hear about the astronaut's disowned child?
The jetti son
I worked putting new fabric on furniture but got fired for drinking on the job.
Now I’m a recovering upholsterer.
When i was young we were so poor we had a clock that was just rock.
they were hard times
Today I had my performance evaluation at the ice factory
Boss told me I was crushing it
Never tell a pepper about your personal life.
they'll always be jalapeño buisness
Old car feature
To make driving in fog safer, some early cars were equipped with special horns, similar to those used by ships. This horn was activated by a switch that the driver pressed with the driver's leg. Thus the foghorn was often referred to as a leghorn. This feature was especially popular with those too chicken to drive through fog.
I had to go to the hospital after an insect injected me with computer code.
Apparently it was a botfly.
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