Rofkar Computer Sciences

My wife went to the spa today and got a bikini wax
She told me it made her feel like a million bucks.

I said she looked like a Brazilian.

(I had to explain this joke to my wife 😞...and she is Brazilian)

My dad used to tell me that you can’t save anyone; they have to save themselves
Great man. Terrible lifeguard.

I got the latest Porsche 911 turbo s for my wife today...
I think it was a fair trade!

The doctor asked me on scale of 1-10, what my arthritic pain level was. I told him Pi.
He asked, "Pi?"

I said, "yes, my pain is a little greater than a 3, and it's continously shifting slightly, but never ending."

[True story, the doctor laughed.]

Science has proven that women who put on a few pounds live longer
Science has proven that women who put on a few pounds live longer than the men who point it out.

Was happy with my timing
Two weekends ago I was driving my family and dogs to a park for a walk and was following a pickup truck towing a decent-sized enclosed livestock trailer. He out accelerated me twice after two red lights and I said "this guy is just wasting gas" and then we stopped at a third red light and he really ripped out of there.

Then my dad senses hit me and I said "shit, well then I guess that trailer must have just been full of donkeys"....and they didn't say anything for a second, and then said "um....why?"

And I said "Because they're really hauling ass!!".

I know it isn't original, but the timing and their genuine pause and confusion because they didn't get it at first was just perfect for me as a silly dad.

What do you call a woman that lights all her bills on fire?
Bernadette

My son asked if he could study common golf course rodents.
I told him, "Gopher it!"

If Marshall Mathers was ever knighted...
Could you call him "His Emineminence?"

What do you call a prehistoric cat with a Bluetooth headset?
A cyber-tooth tiger

Did you hear about the scared orange?
He pithed his pants

I have two pets: a dog and a cat.
My dog loves to show me affection, and my cat loves to show me that I don't deserve it.

What do you call an alligator that uses GPS?
A navigator!

I threw a ball for my dog.
I threw a ball for my dog. It was a bit extravagant, but it was his birthday. And he looks great in a dinner jacket. He was fetching.

Who is both a knight and a spy
Sir Veillance.

Why do you have to salute commonly known facts?
Because it’s General Knowledge

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put it down.

A couple weeks ago, I started using a thicker font in work-related emails. At first, I didn't think anyone cared, but just today, my boss came to my office to express his appreciation.
He said, "We need more people around here who make bold decisions."

I used to think South America had only hot weather.
But it turns out, parts of it are Chile.

Working out is like a drug to me…
I don’t do drugs

What do you call a group of men waiting to get a haircut ???
A barbercue !!!

I keep asking the contractor when he's gonna build my indoor track....
but all I get is the run around.

Made this joke for my parents on their 40th, my dad being a retired pilot.
Two pilots are flying in formation when they look down and see a funeral procession on the road below.

The first pilot peels off, flies low over the procession, dips his wings in honor of the departed, and rejoins the formation.

The second pilot radios over: "That was very nice of you."

The first pilot radios back: "Well, I was married to her for forty years."

Did you guys hear about the cellphones that were on trial?
Being charged with battery

Haulin' Oats
I opened my eyes to see my girlfriend tying me to a chair.

“What are you doing to me?"

“You, dear boyfriend, are about to become my next meal!” She laughed maniacally.

“Let me go!” I tried desperately to wrestle free, but her ropes were too tight. “Say it isn’t so!”

She ignored me and hummed as she finished with the ropes.

“Why are you doing this?"

“Remember my vacation last year? Africa?”

I nodded.

“I became a cannibal. Crime pays.”

I thought quickly to stall her. “You wanted children! I’m a family man! Do it for love!”

She shrugged. “Missed opportunity.”

“What about my farm I want to build? Haulin’ Oats? You make my dreams come true!”

“I can’t go for that," she said. " No can do.”

Suddenly, private eyes crashed through the windows.

The broken glass freed me from my ropes and also severed both her hands.

Staring at her spurting nubs, she said, “I’ve got money. Let me go, and you’ll have it all.”

I replied, “You’re a rich girl, and you’ve gone too far, 'cause you know it don’t matter anyway.

“Are you sure?”

I nodded. “You’re out of touch.” Then I glanced at my watch. “I’m out of time.” I put handcuffs on her nubbed wrists, but they kept falling off. Then I handed her to two detectives.

“Take her away, boys. She’s a maneater!”

I watched them put her in the car and drive off.

She’s gone.