How do you lure a pervert? (NSFW)
Just add the NSFW tag.
What do you call a person who only goes on dates with prostitutes?
A buy-sexual.
Guy next door stopped by and said, “So I heard you and your family had an amaing time seeing the ebras at the oo.”After he left my wife asked, “Who was that?”
I said, “Just our No-Z neighbor.”
I just watched a pirated movie.....
On a scale of 1-10, I'd have to give it 3.14159!
My wife said she wanted to do something spontaneous tonight
So I changed the Wi-Fi password and watched the family improvise.
What kind of trousers does a ghost hunter wear?
Just a paranormal jeans.
My date at dinner last night said, “You know, for a man, the backs of your hands are absolutely gorgeous.”
I said, “Thanks, but I’m not really into backhanded compliments.”
How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend?
Meet Patty
🎶When the moon hits your knees and you mispronounce trees
Sycamore🎶
This morning I was passed on the highway by a pickup truck pulling a trailer full of donkeys.
Dude was hauling ass.
Wanna hear a paper joke?
Nevermind, it's tearable.
Did you hear about the vase that got knighted?
They call him, Sir Ramic.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh
My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed, because...
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Am atheist in the woodsAn atheist was walking through the woods admiring the nature around him. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals,” he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look, and suddenly saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him!
He ran up the path as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was gaining on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and now the bear was even closer.
In his haste, the man tripped on a root and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke, “Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
I told my dad I was cold.
He said, “Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees there.”
What does Batman use to cool down in the summer?
Just ice.
My son asked what you call a cow that plays music
I said
So a tourist is visiting the top of the Empire State building and leans forward to look down. A man next to him says: "Impressive view huh? But what's really crazy is the amount of backdraft being up this high. You can step off the ledge and the wind just carries you right back."The tourist looks at the man, wide-eyed, and says: "What, no way! You must be joking."
"Nope, I'll show you," the man replies. With a smile he steps into thin air, drops about ten feet and, sure enough, floats back up and gently returns to the ledge.
"Wow, I gotta try that!" says the tourist, who steps off the ledge in exactly the same way... and immediately plummets to his death.
Two construction workers on lunch break are watching all this. One turns to the other, shaking his head, and says: "That Clark Kent is SUCH a freakin' jerk..."
People laughed at me when I told them I wanted to be a comedian.
Guess that means they support me.
If I could just say a few words…
I would be a better public speaker.
How do you get a country girls attention?
A tractor!
The monster rose towards the ship from the darkest depths of the abyssIt erupted to the surface, creating massive waves and a load roar.
Some of the sailors panicked, some froze, some ran for weapons.
The monster spoke " I see your fear but soon you will laughing!"
The crew paused in confusion, wondering what was next.
The monster began to laugh in an evil way and said " Soon, I will be Kraken you up!"
My wife thinks we need to resurface part of our kitchen.
In my opinion, that would be counter productive.
Do you know the problem of driving a Chevy Volt?
It is just re-volt-ing.
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