What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?
A Seatbelt
Fact: The world’s longest drum solo was 13 hours and 26 minutes.
It was performed by a 5 year old little bastard on the back of my seat while flying from London to Singapore.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter
Irrelephant
In a doctors office
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had....Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room..
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck.
Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
A man went to a fancy dress party with a woman on his back.The confused host said to the man "What have you come as?"
The man: "A turtle".
The host (even more confused) pointed to the woman and asked "And who is she?"
The man: "Oh that's Michelle"
There's a new sport trending in Europe called 'quiet tennis.'
It's very similar to regular tennis but without the racket.
"Thank you for calling the urology department..."
"Can you please hold?"
A guy walks into a shoe store and says, “Do you have any alligator shoes?”
“We sure do,” replies the assistant. “What size shoes does your alligator wear?”
What happens when the fog lifts from Los Angeles?
UCLA
I'm taking steps to avoid my fear of elevators.
I was afraid of speed bumps too, but I'm slowly getting over them.
I entered ten puns into a pun competition:
I hoped at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.
I called General Mills company to ask when my free rice, bran, and wheat cereals would arrive.
They assured me that the Chex were in the mail.
I offered a helping hand at Target today. Got zero appreciation.
My wife and I were walking through Target when an employee in front of us dropped a mannequin’s arm. Since her hands were full holding the rest of the mannequin, she couldn't bend down to pick it up.
Naturally, I picked it up, held it out to her, and said, "Here, let me give you a hand."
She took it in total silence. My wife just stared at me.
What do you call a rock that’s not a meteorite?
Meteowrong
My plan to get rid of the poison ivy in my yard …..
turned out to be a rash decision. I've only scratched the surface. I was just itching to tell you about it.
How do Canadians measure volume?
In Québec meters.
What do you call a man who is overly prepared?
Justin Case
What did the alien say when he arrived at the party carrying a red Solo cup?
“Take me to your liter.”
Why doesn't Superman eat salads?
He misheard the word "crouton".
I looked in my pantry and the only thing there was a tin of pasta all by itself.
Cannelloni.
My wooden car
I went to a car auction today and I bought a wooden car. It’s really cool, everything is made of wood. It has a wooden body, wooden wheels and wooden tires, a wooden engine, wooden transmission and wooden seats. It even has a wooden key! But when I went to drive it home, it wooden start!
What do you call a Viking who lost his boat?
A Hiking.
Three fish are in a tank….
One turns to the others and asks, “how do you drive this thing?”
I left my job in tyre shop.
Just too much pressure.
I went fishing with my dad today, we chartered a boat. Half way in he has to use the restroomHe tells me
Son I have to use the restroom, can you hold my pole?
I tell him
Sorry dad you're gonna have to do that on your own.
Gotta say I was proud of that one, we had a good laugh, and had a damn good haul. Good day
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