When I die I want my ashes pressed into an LP record
It’s my vinyl request
what do you call identical boobs?
identitties ( • )( • )
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
When my son came out as a girl, I told her she could not longer see me.
It's cause I became transparent.
How many balls are in a male quartet?
Sixteen. One of them is a tenor.
An old farmer was woken up in the middle of the night by a strange noise in his tool shed. He looked out the window and saw three men loading his expensive equipment and tools into a truck.He called the police immediately. "I need help! There are men robbing my shed right now!"
The operator sighed and said, "I'm sorry, sir. All our officers are busy with a major accident on the highway. We won't have anyone available for at least an hour".
The farmer hung up, waited thirty seconds, and called back. "Hello? Don't worry about those officers anymore. I've just shot all three of them." He then hung up.
Less than ten minutes later, three police cars, an ambulance, and a tactical unit swerved into his driveway, surrounding the shed and arresting the robbers.
The sergeant walked up to the farmer and said, "I thought you said you shot them!"
The farmer looked at the sergeant and replied, "I thought you said there were no officers available".
A hog farmer looks out his window and sees that one of his pigs is missing its tail...He says to his wife "I guess I'll have to wholesale that pig."
"Why?"
"Because I can't re-tail it."
What is it called when a cybertruck drives off the end of a pier?
Dumpster diving!
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Why does RFK jr avoid flying?
Because last time they made him check in his carrion
Why did Beethoven eat all of his chickens?
When he asked them who's the best composer, they kept saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach..."
Life of a Kindergarten teacherDeep in the heart of Texas, a kindergarten teacher was helping one of her students put on his little cowboy boots.
He had asked for help — and she quickly saw why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, those boots just did not want to go on. By the time she finally got the second one on, she was sweating.
Then the boy said,
“Teacher… they’re on the wrong feet.”
She looked down —
And sure enough, they were.
Taking the boots off wasn’t any easier than putting them on, but she kept her cool. Together they got the boots back on the correct feet.
Then he said,
“These aren’t my boots.”
She clenched her jaw and resisted the urge to scream, “Why didn’t you say so earlier?!”
But once again, she helped him pull the tight boots off.
As soon as they were off, he cheerfully added,
“They’re my brother’s boots. My mom made me wear ’em.”
The teacher didn’t know whether to laugh or cry… but somehow, she found the strength to wrestle the boots back on yet again.
Finally done, she helped him into his coat and asked, exhausted,
“Now… where are your mittens?”
The boy replied:
“I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots.”
My favorite Roman emperor stopped aging at the age of 19
Emperor Constant Teen
Why should you always knock on the fridge door?
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
Did you hear about the criminal breaking into his own house?
It was a work from home day.
I run 30 minutes every day and if I miss a day, I add 30 mins to the next day. It’s been a total game changer.
Tomorrow I’m supposed to run for 3 weeks.
Driving on I-95An old man is driving down I-95 when his wife calls his cellphone.
“Bob, be careful” she says, “I just heard on the news that there’s one car driving the wrong way on the highway”
Bob yells back, “One!!! There’s hundreds of them”
What’s the difference between a newlywed Danish couple and Batman’s parents?One couple are Wed Danes and the other are Dead Waynes.
Alternate: married Danish couple.
I can't decide if I like magnets or not
They have both positive and negative sides to them.
I asked the Mariana trench if she would mind sharing her actual location on Reddit.
She said, For sure, I'm totally down!
Wife: Did you know it takes 5 sheep just to make one sweater?
Me: I didn't even know they could knit!
Igloo.I moved into an igloo and my friends threw me a housewarming party…
Worst idea ever.
Now I’m homeless.
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar.
I mean, she always said she wanted a night in…shining armor.
My mother once told me: "One man's trash is another man's treasure."
It was a terrible way to learn I'm adopted.
Where did the soldier go after getting lost in a minefield?
Everywhere.
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