70% of the Earth's surface is covered in water and none of it is carbonated.
That's my proof that the Earth is flat.
Me: *Asking my kid on their 8th birthday before every meal…*”Are you even hungry? You already 8.”
My wife: *glaring at me for the rest of my life*
At dinner, I asked my date if she enjoys talking about the American Civil War.
She said, “Sometimes, but not General Lee.“
TIL the word gibberish is a palindrome
Backwards it is hsirebbig, which is gibberish
At one time, I was very poor. I couldn't even pay my electricity bill.
That was the darkest period of my life.
What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?
Father-In-Law!
You know what I’d rate our solar system?
One star
Two guys were loading a coffin into a hearse on a steep incline. After loading, they both get into the vehicle.Two guys were loading a coffin into a hearse on a steep incline. After loading, they both get into the vehicle.
As they start to pull away, the back door swings wide open and the coffin crashes to the ground and starts sliding down the incline, across the intersection, into the store front of a pharmacy and keeps going.
The driver races after it and chases it into the pharmacy.
The pharmacist in the back says "Can I help you?" and the driver says "Yeah, do you have anything to stop this coffin?"
What’s at the end of time and space
E
I'm tired, so I'm going to Romania...
...to book a rest.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I have like 15 wooden balls already.
Toddler arrested for refusing to take a nap
Harsh, but they were resisting a rest.
Started a new band called "Duvet"
We're a cover band
I told Ivan Drago that Rocky Balboa uses hair coloring...
...He shrugged and said, *"If he dyes, he dyes."*
Vampires can be found in Europe but there's none in Africa...That's because holy water kills vampires and...
*They bless the rains down in Africa*
I went to the doctors and told him i had swollen ankles, he said, "gout"
I said "i've only just come in"
My buddy told me his girlfriend was 3 feet 3 inches tall.
I said I'd like to meter.
My wife was about to say an alphabet pun
but I wouldn't letter.
In America, if two immigration agents have a kid
Is that an ICE ICE Baby?
When the moon hits your knees and you mispronounce trees;
Sycamore.
Most puns make me feel numb. However…
Making mathematical puns make me feel number
What do you call singing in the shower?
A soap opera
What’s the favorite restaurant of the stuttering quarterback?
Pizza Hut Hut Hut
What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea?
Their crews were marooned.
What would two termites order at a restaurant?
Table for two
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