If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...
They become VERY ANGRY.
I just turned 40 and I groan every time I get up now
I’m finally a groan man
What do you call a piano made from discarded pianos?
A Frankensteinway!
I just got put in handcuffs by some army ants
I didn't know there were war ants out for my arrest
“Can you take off the corset, I can't breathe!"a woman said to her husband.
Sure, if it will make you stop laughing and tell me how I look in it.”he replied.
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie...” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh for Pete's sake!" exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
How did the alternate universe Spider Man pass his driver's test?
By being an excellent parallel parker.
Billie Joe Armstrong had a dog named CologneHe walked Cologne, He walked Cologne!
(Courtesy my 12 year old!)
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only 1 but it takes years and the light bulb has to really want to change.
I went to see Wicked this weekend, but I have to say it was a huge disappointment.
There wasn’t a single candle in the entire show.
I changed a light bulb, crossed the street and walked into a bar...
My life is a joke.
I went to the local Ice Cream Parlor and the clerk said: “We have a special on sundaes!”…
So I said: “Ok, I’ll come back.”
Someone handed me a pamphlet with crocodiles ranked from best to worst.
I said “enough with your crocodile tiers!”
What did the cops say when they arrested the lettuce?
“You have the right to romaine silent.”
My wife works at the shoe shop....
She's my soul mate.
What do you call a dad joke in the army?
General Context
There was a time I was so broke that I couldn’t pay my electricity bills.
Those were the darkest days of my life.
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said, "Happy...," and started timing on her watch.
After a long silence she said, "...40-second birthday." I was so proud.
What did 50 cent do when he was hungry?
58
Doctor asks his patient "what's your zodiac sign". Patient replies"Cancer"
Doctor looks at test results and says "wow what a coincidence"
My garden hose never worked because it was perverted.
Too kinky.
Did you hear about the snail who bought a sports car?
He painted an s on both sides so when he drove past people they would say "look at that s car go"
I ordered the French dip and told the waiter to make sure it came with that “fancy, whatever-it’s-called sauce”. He goes, “Au jus.”
I said, “Gesundheit.”
Military affairs
I was having an affair with my superior officer, she was beautiful. But it was too weird, too strained by the fact that I was a private and she a Sergeant. So I pulled her aside one day and said, 'listen Tina, I have to break it off, it's getting too difficult to keep going'. But she was mad at me and she started crying. I tried to console her, I said 'Don't cry for me Sergeant Tina!"
You think gas and electricity are expensive. Have you seen chimneys?
They're through the roof
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