My wife texted, “Call me ASAP! It’s an emergency!!”
I’m like, “Babe, what’s so urgent about a nickname?”
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
What do teenage rocks start putting on when they feel a little self conscious about their smell?
Geodorant
My oldest daughter had the shortest birthday of her life yesterday.
It was her 22nd birthday.
I entered a pun competition. I entered around 10 puns thinking one of them is bound to win...
... But no pun in ten did
When I was in elementary school, my teachers’ names all coincidentally started with the same letter.Ms. Anderson
Mr. Stevens
Mrs. Platt
Mr. Blake
Ms. Robles
Mrs. Wilson
Actually, it's pronounced "jaslight".
You've been saying it wrong the whole time.
I warned my kids about using their whistle in the house.And I gave them one last chance.
Unfortunately…
They blew it.
I had a date last night, it was perfect
Tomorrow I'll try a grape.
My ethics teacher claimed I was failing her class.
So I slid her a £20 note under the table and said, "What about now?"
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They’d crack each other up.
What kind of pants does Mario wear?
Denim denim denim.
Poop jokes aren't my favorite...
But they're a solid #2
Did you hear Kanye West has almost completely abandoned religion?
Oh Ye of little faith...
My wife just completed a 40 week body building programme this morning.It’s a baby girl weighing 7lb 6ounce.
I’m now a dad!!!!
What do you call a typo on a tombstone?
A grave mistake.
Why are music videos with Bill Clinton’s VP so popular on YT?
It’s because of the Al Gore rhythm
I jumped off the Eiffel Tower so they renamed it after me. Now it’s called …
The “I Fell Tower”.
I got lost while hiking once.
After several nervous hours trying to retrace my steps and establish where I was, eventually a park ranger found me. I told him I'd been following my compass, but I'd still got lost. When I showed him my compass, he saw it was made by Tait & Co. He told me they were a notoriously unreliable brand. "He who has a Tait's is lost!"
My local movie theater is cracking down on people sneaking in outside candy and snacks.
But it's ok, I have a few Twix up my sleeve.
I think I caught influenza from my Taiwanese visit.
The doctor says I have Flu Taipei.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down
It gets toad
Prison CommunicationBack in the day, prisoners communicated with one another by tapping Morse code on the prison bars.
Nowadays, they use Cell phones
I need to provide CPR to a clown at the circus the other day.
I just inquired on his status and was told that his condition was dire and that he is on laugh suoport.
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