The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high."A man who lays with another man should be stoned."
• Leviticus 20:13
I don't know why people rate Excel very badly
Personally, I give it October the tenth.
What do you call a cow that’s good at math?
A cowculator.
When I joined a local theater, the director pointed around the room, assigning jobs. “You, props. You, sound. You, lighting.” Then he asked, “Can anyone here write a good ending?” I raised my hand. He pointed at me and said, “Great. Act III.”
I nodded, then collapsed on the floor and threw a tantrum.
Apparently you can't use 'beefstew' as a password.
It's not stroganoff.
Do you know why i don't drink coffee?
Because it's not my cup of tea
100 years ago, everyone owned a horse…100 years ago, everyone owned a horse…
And only the rich had cars.
Now everyone has cars, and only the rich have horses.
The stables have turned.
Americans may pull guns but Canadians…
..may pull leaves.
My kid dropped one on me last night.We're going through the bedtime routine. I had my wife comb my daughter's hair, "Because you'll have tangles and Mommy is better at it than I am."
"Dad, are you afraid of knots?"
'No, I don't think so.'
"So then, you're not afraid."
'Nope.'
"I don't think you heard all of what I said... So, you're (K)NOT afraid?"
Which elicited a full 'HAAH HAAAAH,' from me. I'm so proud of my little joker 😭
What’s faster than an escalator?
An esca-sooner
Good news! My church asked me to sing solo this Sunday!
Bad news: solo that the congregants around me can’t hear me sing.
I bumped into someone and i dropped my chips.
It was a snackcident.
Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen?
They develop hives...
Which player smells the freshest on the football field?
Right Guard
Honeymoon SaladLettuce alone with no dressing.
(Actually originally a joke from my grandfather. Probably posted by others a few times but this is in his honor)
I asked the performer why, after sawing his volunteer in half, he wouldn’t put them back together…
Turns out he was a mortician.
The drummer, upset that the band was playing too slow, angrily played faster.
He was having a tempo tantrum.
A little writing advice for this sub: Dad jokes must include the letters D and S.
Otherwise, it’s just a joke.
I asked the guy selling the Oak Wardrobe if it came with a portal to a fantasy realm.
He said "Sorry, that's really Narnia business"
I don’t like Frosted Mini-Wheats.
They just don’t have the right grain.
I love jokes about elevators…
Despite its ups and downs.
What do non-binary donkeys use for pronouns?
He/Haw
What's the most popular fruit that people scream out when they're stuck in traffic?
Man-go!
Frog.
What type of shoes do frogs use ?
Open toad 🫣.
Where do you take someone involved in a peekaboo accident?
ICU
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