I changed a light bulb, crossed the street and walked into a bar...
My life is a joke.

The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said, "Happy...," and started timing on her watch.
After a long silence she said, "...40-second birthday." I was so proud.

What did the cops say when they arrested the lettuce?
“You have the right to romaine silent.”

Military affairs
I was having an affair with my superior officer, she was beautiful. But it was too weird, too strained by the fact that I was a private and she a Sergeant. So I pulled her aside one day and said, 'listen Tina, I have to break it off, it's getting too difficult to keep going'. But she was mad at me and she started crying. I tried to console her, I said 'Don't cry for me Sergeant Tina!"

You think gas and electricity are expensive. Have you seen chimneys?
They're through the roof

Someone handed me a pamphlet with crocodiles ranked from best to worst.
I said “enough with your crocodile tiers!”

There was a time I was so broke that I couldn’t pay my electricity bills.
Those were the darkest days of my life.

Yesterday I learned that Ireland's capital is increasing at an exponential rate.
In fact it's Dublin!

Why do Police Officers start so early in the morning?
They like to beat the crowd.

What shape is a ship at the bottom of the ocean?
A wrecked tangle

what do you call a duck that likes to get high?
A quackhead.

An inventor friend of mine created a thought-controlled air freshener.
An inventor friend of mine created a thought-controlled air freshener. It sounded like a ridiculous idea, but he said it makes scents when you think about it.

What kind of underwear does Donald Trump wear, boxers or briefs?
Mmmmm. Depends

Which Star Wars character is the best at doing the limbo?
Han So Low

My son opened his 3D printer birthday present and immediately ran with it exclaiming he was going to make a mini replica of himself. But after a while he came downstairs upset holding a half-finished project. Showing it to me, he said, “Dad, I already ran out of filament for my mini-me.”
I kneeled down putting my hand on his shoulder and said, “It’s okay son, you just got a head of yourself.”

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe!!!

They say that sniffing rosemary will improve your memory.
submitted by /u/Capt_Den
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Mike Tyson became religious recently....
He now punches them in the faith.

How does Lady Gaga like her steaks?
🎶Raw raw raw raw raw🎶

I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs.
Very little.

Truth be told, I fucking love dwarfs, but I never tell them that I love them, because I don’t want them to get big-headed.

“Can you take off the corset, I can't breathe!"a woman said to her husband.
Sure, if it will make you stop laughing and tell me how I look in it.”he replied.

What shape can cure an Italian curse?
A hexagon

People who don't proofread your posts, what are you thanking?
Seriously, have a quick read before you past it!

What is the most popular ink pen in Australia?
Paper Mate

Sarah left a can of Pepsi on a fence railing at a rest stop about 60 miles south of Tampa.
That's where Sarah's soda is.