Every day, a doctor would go to the same bar and order a chestnut daiquiri. One day, the bartender ran out of chestnut and used hickory instead. The doctor came in, sipped it, and exclaimed, “Ew! What is this?!”…The bartender replied:
“That’s a hickory daiquiri, doc!”
My wife threw me out because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions
But don't worry.......I'll return
An old man of 80 married a 30 year old woman.He went to his doctor to tell him the good news: his wife of 2 months was already pregnant!
The doctor stared at him and said, "Let me tell you a story. A friend of mine liked going bear hunting. One day, after following a big one for miles, he realized that he had made a mistake. Instead of his hunting rifle, he accidentally packed his umbrella!
So, with no other choice, he raised his umbrella at the beast, and pulled the handle. And BAM! the bear was dead."
"That's impossible. Somebody else must have shot it from hiding!"
The doctor said, "I'm glad we understand each other."
My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"
What a weird way to start a conversation..
Do y’all remember that joke I told about the chiropractor?
It was about a weak (week) back!
I told my wife I was reading a book on anti-gravity.....and she said "How is it?"
I told her "I just can't put it down!"
ba dum tss 😎
EDIT: My son just rolled his eyes so hard I think he saw his own brain. Mission accomplished.
In Entertainment news. Billy Joel was angry after finding some wet laundry.
Apparently he didn’t start the dryer.
Just ate my last piece of brie and now it’s raining
Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
For my art class I was supposed to draw a male cow, instead I drew a female…
I made a Miss Steak.
I had computer trouble and tech support asked if I tried disabling cookies.
I told them I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man.
What's a great drink to pair with alphabet soup?
Verbal tea
How many people live in Brazil?
About a brazillion
My boyfriend: “I don’t know why they call them ATM machines.”“The m already stands for machine. Why not just call them AT machines?”
Me:”Because there’s more than eighty of them.”
At my checkup the nurse said, “The doctor ordered I draw a few blood samples for you.”
I’m like, “No thanks… I’ve seen plenty of pictures.”
Two boys in the pharmacy
One afternoon, two young boys wandered into a pharmacy. They roamed the aisles for a bit before confidently grabbing a box of tampons and making their way to the checkout. The pharmacist, curious and a little amused, looked at the older boy and asked, "How old are you, son?" "Eight," the boy answered proudly. The pharmacist smiled and leaned in. "Do you know what these are used for?" he asked. The boy shrugged and said, "Not exactly. They’re not for me—they’re for my little brother. He’s four." Trying to hold back a chuckle, the pharmacist said, "Oh really? And why would your brother need these?" The boy replied, perfectly serious, "We saw on TV that if you use these, you can swim, play tennis, and ride a bike. My brother can’t do any of those things yet."
What do you call a somewhat cool vegetable?
Rad-ish.
What do you call a guy that can smell the future?
Nostrildamus
I just heard Apple is going to make cars...
...I won't be purchasing it because I want something with Windows.
What did the Roman say when he got to the year 3000?
MMM.
A kid came up to me an said "6, 7."
I replied, "220, 221. Whatever it takes."
Why isn’t there any knock knock jokes in the grinch movies?
Because we already know who’s there.
My wife asked for a ride to her manicure at the Nail Bar
I told her that looks like a good place to get hammered!
My wife just gave birth to twin girls, I have named them Kate and...
Duplikate
I want a gun that shoots out wooden benches, instead of bullets.
I'd walk into a church with no seating and be like: pew pew pew. pew pew. pew pew pew
Where do all the odd and unusual people in New Mexico live?
albuquirky
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