What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Prime mates
What do Winnie the Pooh and Alexander the Great have in common?
Their middle names.
My father worked 12 hours every day just to put food on the table.
Amazing man, but slowest cook ever
Apparently the “W” fell off the door for the women’s restroom.It’s not a good sign.
Had to repost due to spelling correction sabotage.
I’ve been stressing about the results of my HIV test
I’ve been trying to stay positive though
I had a car accident the other day. The driver was a dwarf. He got out and said he was not happy.
So I said, which one are you then?
I know that Argentina plays Messi….
But I didn’t realize they played Dirty too.
My friends tell me the salads I make tend to be on the dry side.
It's definitely something that needs addressing.
Mountains are not funny .
They are hill areas
My dad used to say to me 'when one door closes another one opens'
He was a great philosopher but a terrible cabinet maker.
I don't have a drinking problem, I have a drinking mystery
Trying to solve which of my problem's motivating me to drink.
Sunday was a sad day
But the day before was a Sadder Day
Stephen King has a son named Joe
I’m not joking, but he is.
Had my wife howling with this Labyrinth joke...We've had problems with ants appearing on our cooker recently, and we can't figure out where from.
After yet another night, my wife was ranting, "I don't understand it, where are these ants coming from???"
I said: "David Bowie would know."
She said: "Umm, what?
I started singing "ANTS, magic ants, maaagic ants, magic ants, maaagic ants..."
Why is GenZ so happy to see Tom Hiddleston in the Avengers: Doomsday trailer?
Because he's lowk their favorite.
Today I learned that "Wet Floor" signs…
…are not a request…
Last night I had a dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow…
and when I woke up my giant marshmallow was gone.
A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them.He began writing an email to his supplier...
“Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.”
That didn’t sound right, so he tried again.
“Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.”
That still didn’t sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:
“Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you’re at it- send me another mongoose.”
On his deathbed, my grandfather said, “Remember these two words. They’ll open a lot of doors for you in life.”
"Push and Pull."
What’s the point of Rorschach tests?
I don’t know what other people see in them.
[META] My dad created a group text for dad jokes.
My dad and I don't text or talk on the phone often, except for occasional sports talk, but over the past couple of years he started sending me and my brother the occasional dad joke in a group text. My mom has said that he sometimes spends a lot of time thinking of one and is pretty proud to show her when it gets a good reaction from us. Both his mom and dad died over the last year, and since then he added my cousin to the group as well. We all send jokes on occasion, and whenever there is a particularly good one, we'll riff on it for the whole day. I'm never deleting that text chain as long as I live. This subreddit has given me some gold whenever I really just want to stay in touch with the three of them. Just wanted to say thanks for that. You're doing the Lord's work.
just got hospitalized for being cringe.
they put me in the awk ward.
I was arguing with my wife the other day
She said I should stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
I was looking for a sofa to buy when the salesman pointed to one and said, “This one can seat three people without any problems.” I replied...
“Where in the world am I going to find three people without any problems!?”
how does NASA throw a party?
they planet 🪐
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