At dinner, my frustrated date said, “so napping and sitting around are seriously your only hobbies?? You told me that you were interesting!”
“No, no,” I corrected, “I said that I was into resting.”
What’s faster than an escalator?
An escasooner
Did you hear about the guy who collapsed trying to climb Mount Everest?
Authorities just found Himalayan there.
I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She asked me...
“How do you know it was on it’s way to work?”
Everyone talks about Karl Marx but what about...
Everyone talks about Karl Marx but what about his sister Anya, the inventor of the startup pistol
Archaeologists say that all the houses in Pompeii had the same design flaw.
The flaw is lava.
Dad jokes are the best, and heres why...
Why
During chemistry class, I learned that sulphuric acid should never be put into a metal container.
Its just an oxidant waiting to happen..
Did you know there is one specific model of car you can legally drive in the bus lane, but only in reverse
Because if you are going backwards in a Subaru , U R A Bus
What do you call a cold penguin?
A brrrrd!
Did you know that Bigfoot often gets confused for Sasquatch,
yeti never complains.
Flat Earthers have nothing to fear but
sphere itself
What type of workouts did Jesus do?
Crossfit
You’ve all seen alligator clips, but do you know about froggy clips?
It’s when the moon passes between the earth and a frog.
A friend of mine very proudly came over and said he had just won a coughing competition.
I said give yourself a pat on the back.
What is brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre
A truck carring chickens got into a crash and the police are investigating it.
They suspect it was fowl play.
I never knew libraries were so strict.
one time I talked in one, they threw the book at me.
I was just given the opportunity to become a whistle tester.
I blew it.
I Googled 'Missing medieval servant'
It said, 'Page not found.'
Why should you never clean your teeth with the left hand?
Because a toothbrush is much more effective.
I just lost my job at the bakery because I didn’t track dessert data accurately enough
I guess they wanted pie charts
I told my kids we’ll be looking for a new car soon maybe a Kia soul.
Told them I’ll have to do some soul searching first!!
My son told me trees poop. I said no they don't.
He replied, 'Then where do number 2 pencils come from?'
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be baygulls.
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