My boss fired me from the auto parts store for stealing. I don’t know what his problem is. It was his idea.
Every day, he told me to make sure I take brakes.
At dinner, I told my date I was trying to figure out what her favorite hobby might be. She leaned in, pounded her fist on the table and yelled, “I MAKE JAM AND PUT IT IN TINY GLASS CONTAINERS!”
It was jarring.
My wife and I decided we didn't like sleep, we hated having a clean house and didn't want any money to spend on ourselves.
So we decided to have three kids.
I can’t believe someone broke into my house and stole all my fruit…
…I am peachless!
What’s the difference between Elon Musk and a Lemur?
Elon made electric cars, lemur madagascar.
I am a Dad Jokes black belt.
Barista: "Can I have a name, please?"
Me: "Didn't your parents give you one?"
Sent this to my kids. Me: Knock knockYou. Who’s there?
Me. Hike
You. Hike who?
Me: Unsuspecting kids
Dad waiting with bated breath
Sets the perfect trap
What’s the most popular feature on Targaryen life insurance policies?A dragon rider.
(Is that a new level of nerd?)
What do you call a moose that everyone knows?
Famoose
Used to be a taxi driver. I left it because
I was tired of people talking behind my back.
I’ve discovered that all my pet peeves are either entomological or etymological.
Unfortunately, I can never remember which is which. And that really bugs me.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
What did the cannibal do after dumping his gf?
Clean his ass.
What do you call a cult that’s hard to get into?
Difficult
The janitors at my office are all smoking weed.
They're high maintenance people.
What’s the difference between a car and a giraffe?
ones got hydraulics and the others got high bollocks
Knock, knock.Who's there?
Mia He.
Mia He who?
Mia ah haha!
Thinking of selling my vacuum cleaner
I mean, it's just collecting dust...
I assessed the quality of a submarine.
It was sub-optimal. Quality took a nosedive.
If you accidentally drop an ice cube, just kick it under the refrigerator.
Soon it'll just be water under the fridge.
What do you call a cow that can play a guitar?
A moo-sician
What do you call an Indian Electrician?
A-shock
You HAVE to hand it to short people…
…because they can’t reach it! 🤣
What did Daft Punk say after he said, “Around the World” 144 times?
One More Time
IKEA MurderMy teenager had to write up a description of a crime scene for a forensics class. I suggested a crime scene inside an IKEA, where a jerk manager was bludgeoned by an employee, using a vase or something that has a vaguely Swedish name.
My middle-schooler: Ah, yes. The Månkïllå.
top
