My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.
He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.
I read in a book that having too much sex can cause memory loss
I read it on page 14 in a the appendix of medical journal on the 12th of March 2023 at 3:20 pm shortly After I returned from shopping for three apples, a quart of ice cream and an innertube patch and on the way back home, I stubbed my toe and saw a dog piss on a hydrant wearing a blue collar and his owner walked with a limp
I don’t understand why my wife was so mad at me for dating a psychologist.
She was the one who suggested that I start seeing a therapist.
A Viking lost his boat the other day…
Now he’s just a hiking.
Pigs are the only animals who don’t use the restroom before leaving the bar.
They go wee, wee, wee all the way home.
A woman attempted to cut off her bf's ding-a-ling... She missed and cut his thigh.
She was charged with a misdaweiner.
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakesI told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
I have been sitting on that one for a while and finally worked up the courage to test it out at dinner last night. The kids groaned, my wife rolled her eyes so hard I thought she needed medical attention, and my youngest asked me to please stop talking. So naturally I consider it a roaring success.
That is the thing about dad jokes that gets overlooked. The groan IS the applause. The eye roll IS the standing ovation. When everyone at the table collectively sighs and goes back to their food, that is your curtain call. You take a little bow inside your heart and move on, saving the next one for dessert.
I have been collecting these for years. Little verbal traps disguised as sincere statements. The setup sounds almost wise, even thoughtful, and then the punchline just quietly pulls the rug out. No fanfare. Just a slow realization followed by regret from everyone in earshot.
Anyway, I figured this crowd would appreciate it. Drop your best one below. I need fresh material before the weekend barbecue and my family is starting to recognize my whole catalog.
What do you call a LGBTQ Indian
Naan-binary
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?Two.
One to hold the bulb and the other to hold the penis. Mother. Ladder!
I don't have a date for my sister's wedding
She won't tell me
If a bee is bothering you. Do not swat it or run away. Just look at it.
Because seeing is bee leaving.
A historian claims to have found Shakespeare's chewing pencil!
But the pencil is so chewed that people can't tell if its 2B or not 2B
What do you call a Frenchman who accidentally urinated in his humidifier?
Pierre
My wife hates the sound of squeezing water from a towel.
But if you ask me, it has a nice wring to it.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant.
But then I changed my mind.
When I was a kid, I asked my mother where babies came from...My mother, with her hearing problems, understood "bb's" and answered: bb gun.
You can imagine my face when my aunt gave birth to triplets, I thought her bb gun had three barrels.
Bees 2.0
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable
Hi, I'm back! Looking for kid friendly knock-knock jokes again.
A few years ago I asked for knock-knock jokes for my son. One of his favorites has the name Romeo in it. I am looking for more of the same, as well as knock-knock jokes with Willow in them. Please keep the jokes for kids aged 4 - 8.
Actual joke told to me by my uncle this morning(For context, I’m pansexual and also very sick at the moment with some mucus buildup in my nose and throat, so I was gargling with salt water, which kind of helped but anyways, I was doing this in the kitchen)
Uncle: You should get out of the common area if you’re going to be doing all that. You had better not start a mini pandemic.
Me: Don’t you mean an epidemic?
Unc: It’s always a *pan*demic if you’re involved.
Me:
Unc, spraying the general area with Lysol: take your germs somewhere else, *pan*
LIKE, WHY WAS THAT AN ACTUALLY GOOD JOKE? WHAT THE FUCK MAN? 😭
Why can't blind people eat fish?
Because its see-food...
When helmets were invented, head injuries spiked.
Before that, people would just die if they got hit in the head.
Elvis Costello and ABBA are touring together this summer but they figured out who the headliner will be..
So, watch for ABBA and Costello to find out who's on first.
I want to die like my grandfather. He was sleeping…
Not screaming like the people on the bus he was driving
What happens to southerners after moving out of the south?
They go through withdrawl.
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