What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel?
An inn grown hare
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?” I replied, "Sure, why not?!" He smiled and said, “No problem sir!"
"Today is special!"
You think gas and electric bills are expensive but have you seen chimneys?
They’re through the roof.
Mom used to feed me alphabet soup because she said I really liked it -- I didn't though,,,
she was just putting words in my mouth.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
How does Moses make his morning coffee?
He-brews it.
What does the gingerbread man put on his bed?
Cookie sheets.
My wife got hooked on protein powder.
In the end, she passed a whey.
Asked Siri why I was still single
B**ch opened up the front facing camera.
I was a victim of a kidnapping today.
I made that little shit get off my lawn!
What did Newton say when he discovered gravity?
It’s about to go down!
Cinderella isn’t going to fare well in the World Cup…
If she keeps running away from the Ball.
How does a mother become single?
When she moves father away.
What happens when you take a clock on a plane?
Time flies.
The megalophobia subreddit is getting more and more followers each day.
If it gets too big, I’ll have to leave.
New top secret military camo leaks to the publicIn today's news: A new and top secret adaptive military camouflage technology was leaked to the public today. The technology uses adaptive camouflage that changes based on its immediate environment, making it highly effective.
According to top officials, the public "wasn't supposed to see it."
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was shocked.
People in Athens hate getting up early...
cause Dawn is tough on Greece.
Did You Hear About the Cheese Factory That Exploded in France?
All that was left was debrie ദ്ദി◝ ⩊ ◜.ᐟ
What do The White House and skinny jeans have in common?
No ball room.
Dry skin.
What is the leading cause of dry skin?
A towel.
Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"?
Because every play has a cast
Went to a comedy festival yesterday. The headliner was comedian in a wheelchair.
His stand up routine really stood out.
My boss asked me to explain the complex findings as though I were talking to a child.
I looked at him and said, "Everything's fine Timmy. The grownups are handling it. Go back to bed."
So, the world’s greatest piano tuner was a Scandinavian hermit named Opper Nocketty. One day Elton John hired him to tune his personal piano, the results were spectacular. Elton said he’d never sounded better. Unfortunately the movers bumped it and it was out of tune again.
Elton personally called Mr Nocketty and asks him to re-tune his piano.
He said “I’m sorry but Opper Nocketty tunes but once”
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