A naked man broke into a church.
The police chased him around and eventually caught him by the organ.
Just asked my 9-year-old son what he learned in school today.
He said, "apparently not enough because I have to go back tomorrow".
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A teacher says spit out your gum. A train says, "Choo choo!"
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day…
His name was Pikup Andropov
This girl texted she didn’t want to go out with me because I had boomer vibes and my phone was ancient.So I got my phone out and replied “
666550822553302222777330666669” Ok take care now.
I'm happy to announce I have opened a new paternity testing facility in Indiana
It's called Hoosier daddy
My wife asked me if I wanted to do lunch at the Vietnamese restaurant on the beach.
I said, "Pho Shore."
I have always preferred the British spelling for "diarrhea".
"Diarrhoea" really looks like you've lost control of your vowels.
Murphy’s Law states that what can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage with mayo
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.“Is everything okay pal?” the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight and she isn’t talking to me for a month!”
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know,..a little peace and quiet?”
“Yea. But today is the last day!”
A Chinese guy goes to the doctor"Doc, I busted my knee while typing."
"Knee? How?"
"Hi doc."
"I ran a half marathon"
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
What do you call an actor job where you are killed by an alligator?
A death role.
I am getting stronger with old age
I can now lift $100 of groceries with one hand
My son just now: what do golfers drink when playing golf?
Teas.
I remember when I read the dictionary as a kid.
It was a defining moment in my childhood.
What do you call it when you drop a breakfast waffle on a Southern California beach?
A sandy eggo.
My wife asked why I had come to bed covered head to toe in numbers.I explained, “Well, me and the kids were just doing their math homework…
You did tell them they could always count on me.”
I’ve just released my own fragrance.
Nobody in the car seemed to like it.
I used to work for a Chinese drug dealers. One day he asked me “Have you seen my cocaine?”
Not since he starred in Zulu,” I replied.
Knock Knock. Who’s there…Grandma..
Wait wait .. stop the funeral
I went to a music festival the other day for the first time.
I didn't know what to expect, but it was exactly as it sounds.
A broken legI was a carpenter, working late on a jobsite once. The boss was letting me get some overtime - we had an inspection scheduled for the next morning. Somehow I slipped off the ladder and hit the floor twelve feet below.
I landed with my leg bent back, obviously broken. I lay between the lumber pile and the wall with no way to crawl out. The pain was excruciating. Cell phones were lawyers' toys back then.
The boss usually came in at 7:00 AM. Waiting until then? Endless. There was one other hope, a plumber named Donald who liked to come in early, right when it got light. Big Donald, we called him. He probably weighed three hundred pounds, a stereotypical plumber whose pants were usually so low you wondered how they stayed up.
Darkness dragged on. I tried not to count on Donald showing up. There was a chance, but if he didn't I'd be waiting another two hours. Relief! I heard Donald's truck pull in just as the darkness shifted to gray.
He walked past me. I tried to say his name but could hardly speak. I tried again, louder this time. He stopped, his back to me, and looked around. Once more, then he turned around and saw me.
Never before or since have I felt as relieved to see the crack of Don.
Had a little scare today.
Was doing some house chores and working along the side of the house. Heard a big commotion and went around the corner to the front to find some guy kicking at the door on the porch. Cops were right behind him yelling at me to stay back. They cuffed him and hauled him down the drive into a car. I made sure Loni was ok and talked to one of the officers. The said he had been spotted in the area stealing packages from porches and they finally caught up with him at our place. We didn't have anything but since they caught him on our porch I had to be the one to file charges. Just got a call from the police department a few moments ago that they had to release him as they failed to read him his veranda rights.
I’ve just released my own fragrance.I’ve just released my own fragrance.
Nobody in the car seemed to like it.
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