Very proud of my son for this oneAfter I commented on how big he's getting, he replied
'maybe it's because you've been taking me to the growcery store'
He's 8
Diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans.
The Nurse's Dreaded Words:
After a prostate exam, the doctor leaves and a nurse enters with a worried look. She whispers the words no man wants to hear: "Who the hell was that guy?".
What's so great about elevators?
They're uplifting.
I’ve been trying to come up with some good airplane jokes.
I can’t get any of them to land correctly.
I found out that the library is the tallest building in town
It has the most stories..
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
They lactose.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
...because they lactose.
At first, it was cute when my daughter started dressing like a dolphin.
But now, her act is wearing fin.
How do the CIA like their curries?
spycy
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo...
So I had to put my foot down
If you have no interest in lending out money.
You are not a loan.
How can you tell how old an Alaskan sailor is?
By his anchorage.
Donating your body to science...
... it's a dead giveaway.
What is Benedict Arnold’s favorite grocery store?
Traitor Joe’s.
Did you know older vehicles with vent windows was called camaro air conditioning?
You open the window and in come air o
What's the most sacrilegious bone?
The blas-femur!
The famous singer Sting has been kidnapped
The Police have no lead.
My friend, Bill, and his son, Robby, were out for a walk in the woods when suddenly they were overtaken by the unmistakable smell of ham. They looked around and happened upon a very odd looking tree.
My friend, Bill, and his son, Robby, were out for a walk in the woods when suddenly they were overtaken by the unmistakable smell of ham. They looked around and happened upon a very odd looking tree. Bill put his nose against it and took a deep, full-chested whiff. WOW! For a moment, Bill's eyes glazed over, but in the next instant he was cured. This thing was more than meats the eye. Robby said to his father, "Dad, what kind of strange and mystical tree could this possibly be?" Bill replied, "Son, that right there is what we call a porky pine."
I remember when everyone looked at me because I was half human and half horse
I was the centaur of attention
I accidentally took my cat’s meds last night.
Don’t ask meow.
Punny father to daughter, “You may not think of me as royalty, but two places I went to this morning told me that I needed a crown.”Daughter, "Who would have told you that?"
Father, "A Burger King employee and my dentist."
They finally figured out what went wrong at Jurassic Park.
They had a reptile dysfunction
Einstein, Pascal, and Newton were playing a game...Einstein, Pascal, and Newton were playing a game of hide and seek.
Pascal and Newton are the first to hide while Einstein starts counting. While Einstein is counting, Pascal runs away to find the most obscure hiding spot he can. Newton pulls out a piece of chalk and draws a square with sides 1m long on the ground right in front of Einstein. When he's finished, he stands right in the middle of it and waits.
Einstein finishes counting, opens his eyes and sees Newton right in front of him. "Ah ha! I found Newton."
Newton replies "No, you found 1 Newton in 1 square metre. You actually found 1 Pascal."
Which animal has the largest chest?
A Z-bra
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