What do you call a dog on a submarine?
Subwoofer (I'll see myself out)
My wife told me to stop being an idiot, and just be myself.
I told her to make up her mind.
I used to work with a woman called Ina
Whenever anyone would say Hi Ina, she'd laugh her head off.
When grandma suspected grandad of cheating she was like a dog with a bone.
She buried him in the garden.
I asked the Dr what vitamins are the best to make me feel like I was before I was 13
He said, B12
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,”said a sarcastic teacher.After a long silence, one student rose to her feet.
“Now then young lady, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don't," said the girl, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
They closed the local bridge today...
I still can't get over it.
A blind man walks into a store and starts swinging his dog above his head. A clerk asks him" can I help you?"
The blind man says "no , I'm just looking around."
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
I was surprised to learn Elon Musk is from South Africa.
You’d think he is from Mad-at-gas-car.
After an argument, a man sat in his man cave throwing darts at a photo of his wife but not a single one was hitting the target…His wife yelled from upstairs, “What in the hell are you doing?”
He replied, “Missing you!”
What do snakes do after they fight?
They hiss and make up.
My friend asked me how much it costs to dispose of dead batteries.
I said 'No charge'.
I bought a used dictionary at a local flea market. I got it cheap because someone had torn out both the first few and last few pages from the book.
Trying to actually use the dictionary was difficult, however: it only went from bad to worse.
There was an apartment of 5 ants, 5 more ants moved into that apartment.
Now their tenants
As I got off the elevator, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.” I said, “Don’t call me son. You’re not my dad.”
He replied, “Maybe not… but I did bring you up.”
I wasn't sure about getting a brain transplant
Then I changed my mind.
My wife and I went to a fancy restaurant for dinner last night.As we were settling in on our table, our Server said "Comfortable, sir?"
Me: No, ComeForFood!
Why did Trump write in all caps?
He believes capitalism is the only way.
What do you call a duck on drugs?
A quack head!
How fast do you have run when you're late for your flight?
Terminal velocity.
Even though I drink brake fluid all the time, I’m not addicted.
I can stop whenever I want
If the earth was flat..
Cats would push everything off
When I was on trial, my proctologist served as a key character witness. Later, I asked him why he decided to help me out.
He said, "It's not just you. I stand behind all my patients."
Where does wire wool come from?
Sheep metal (I'll get my coat)
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