i like to throw soy sauce at sad people ...
you know, Kikkoman when he's down
I got fired from the clock factory.
I thought putting in extra hours was supposed to be a good thing.
My neighbour banged on the wall at 4:30am this morning!!!!Can you believe it. Lucky I was still awake listening to music.
They banged and shouted "Can we have a little respect please?"
I shouted back "I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan but this ones for you"
My daughter wants a purse but I don’t think she’s ready.
Does that make me an antipurseparent?
I’m not saying I’m old, but
I can remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?If you guessed R, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Everyone knows a pirate's first love is the C.
I just saw this fella going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet.
I thought: “He’s pushing his luck!”
If you cut off your left arm,
Your right arm will be left.
The word Queue is pronounced like the letter Q
The rest of the letters are just waiting there.
What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?
A flossiraptor.
Two hydrogen elements walk into a sun and
One helium walks out.
Scientists have discovered a new type of Polar Bear!It exists in both the Arctic and Antarctic, it suffers from depressive episodes with moments of excitation and is sexually indiscriminate.
They've called it the Bi-Polar, bipolar, Bi Polar Bear.
I failed my beer exam despite cramming
I studied to know of ale.
What do you call a cow in the Arctic?
An Eskimoo!
Found a bottle of belgian beer in my teenager's room
I asked: "What do you have to saison?"
I made a Roman-themed party with the only entertainment being a sculpture.
It was a bust.
An American, a Mexican, and an Australian walk into a pub.The Mexican says, “I'll have a Corona. The finest beer of Mexico.”
The American says, “I’ll have a Budweiser. The king of beers.”
The Australian says, “I'll have a Ginger Ale.”
“A Ginger Ale?” the American asks quizically.
The Australian replies, “Well, if you two aren’t going to have a proper beer. Why should I?
Two neighbors...Two neighbors work together, and so they decide to drive to work together on a regular basis to save money on gas. Their normal route takes then through a tunnel.
So they do this for several months... every day passing through the tunnel on their way to work, and again on their way home.
After several months, they both needed surgery on their wrists. Do you know why?
They developed carpool-tunnel syndrome
An ER doc asked a patient, “…and how long have you been a smoker?”
He replied, “What does that matter? Get this brisket out of my ass!”
I just made a prosthetic arm today, completely by hand.Honestly, it cost me an arm and a leg... but mostly just an arm.
Now I’m trying to figure out if it’s technically a hand-me-down.
My psychiatrist told me I have a hard time expressing my emotions.
I can't say I'm surprised.
Did you hear about the new book on anti-gravity?
It's impossible to put down.
Why did the cannibal get kicked out of school?
He was caught buttering up his teacher.
I just paid the bill for dinnerThe waiter asked if we wanted our drinks to go.
I turned to my teenage son and asked him if he wanted a “go-tea”.
He groaned.
A totally unintentional dad joke in the wild.
My name is Dad and I'm addicted to doing stunts in Westerns
I was sober for three years but then I fell off the wagon
top
