My friend has been engaged over 5 times but never married.
That's a lot of near Mrs.
What’s the difference between a lemur and Elon Musk?Elon made an electric car.
The lemur Madeagascar.
A blonde city girl named Amy married a Colorado rancher.One morning. on his way out to check on the fields, her husband said, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
After awhile, the artificial insemination guy arrived and knocked on the front door.
“I’m here to inseminate the cow,” he said.
Amy took him down to the barn. They walked along the row of cows and when Amy saw the nail she told him, “This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he was dealing with an airhead blonde, asked, "Tell me – because I'm dying to know – how would YOU know this is the right cow to be bred?”
"That's easy," Amy answered. “By the nail that's over the stall.”
Laughing rudely, the man said, “And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
Amy turned to walk away and said sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied.
Slam dunk, blondie!
Wife yells from upstairs: "Hey do you ever get a really sharp pain in your heart area, almost like someone is using a voodoo doll against you?"Husband: "no"
Wife: "How about now?"
Why can’t muggers catch Catholics during Lent?
They fast.
This pastor decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf.He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read the list, and we’re out of ketchup.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What does a robot do after sex?
He nuts and bolts
Did you know that despite the name, there are no canaries on Canary Island? It's the same with the Virgin Islands.
No canaries there either.
Teacher: Johnny, define perpetuate
Johnny: How you're charged at a Korean Restaurant
What’s the most common name for a librarian?
Paige.
I was going to make a curling joke….
But I didn’t have the stones to do it.
A word of dating advice: If he doesn’t appreciate your fruit jokes,
You need to let that mango!
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his fly.The bartender says "Excuse me sir but I can't help but notice there's a steering wheel sticking out of your fly."
The pirate replies "Arrrrr... and it be drivin me nuts."
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh! 🐎😂
What do lumberjacks like doing on the internet?
Logging on and logging off.
My daughter pointed out an owl in the hole of a limb in a large tree.
I told her the owl isn’t usually there. It’s just his branch orifice.
My kids told me I have every board game except one.
I had no Clue.
I opened up a shop that sells erectile dysfunction pills.
I called it "No Hard Feelings"
What is the deadliest martial arts strike from a pig?
The pork chop.
Why did the database administrator divorce his wife?
She had one-to-many relationships.
The repairman looked at my dryer and said, “This is going to take 40 days to fix.” I’m like, “Forty days?.. why??”
He said, “It’s Lint.”
How do you catch a unique duck?Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame duck?
Tame way.
My kid asked if he was unique. I’m like, “Not only are you unique, you’re milonelion.” He said, “What does that mean??”
I said, “You’re one in a million.”
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