When I got divorced, my wife and I fought over who would get the weed.
In the end, the judge gave us both joint custody
What do you call an elderly Egyptian?
Giza
Why is it so easy to break out of jail in Hershey, Pennsylvania?
Chocolate bars.
Be careful of any special deals the server offers you at ApplebeesWe'd just finished and out of the blue the server asks "Box for your food, sir?"
Well that was too good to pass up. She was tougher than she looked but I did manage to prevail. And in a clear breach of contract the manager immediately had me arrested.
Sore losers!
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM...
Onion rings.
Why do reggae singers hate going to prison?
Because they dread locks
Drank invisible ink by accident this morning.
I'm in the ER waiting to be seen.
We just agreed to foster two new puppies, and my wife named them Rolex and OmegaThey're gonna be watch dogs.
(Of course, we'll have to check them for ... ticks.)
What’s the difference between Donald Duck and Donald Trump?
Ones just a duck. And the other one’s a lame duck!
I just found a 95 year old painting in my attic.
I told him to leave immediately.
Based on my research, the most insidious bias is confirmation bias.
As I expected.
I was going to tell a joke about a boomerang but I've forgotten the punchline.
But I'm sure it'll come back to me
The magician lost all his magic.
Now he's just Ian.
What always comes at the beginning of a parade?
The letter P.
Help! I'm in Egypt and really hurt my back.
Does anyone know a good Cairopractor?
My Mrs told me my face looks like the back of a boat today...
I didn't know what to say, so I gave her a stern look.
There's this singing group at my church that I used to hate, but now I really like them.
I guess you could say they're an a-choired taste.
What do you call a two dollar chicken?
Buck Buck!
What do you call a bunch of people moving from the Pacific Northwest?
An Oregon transplant
Cats are great in the kitchen..
..they make everything from scratch.
Why didn't the vampire go into the restaurant?
They were having a steak night!
What do you call a bear that's missing an ear?
B
Coffee was voted ...
the #1 drink, but there were some absent Tea ballots.
I was going to confront the thief who was stealing socks from my clothesline.
But I changed my my mind,I got cold feet.
What do you call someone who dances around the ER lobby screaming “I’m next, I’m next!”
A hyper-chondriac.
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