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Friday, August 28, 2026

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Get a Life!

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Headlines

A naval story
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

Dear Captain,
Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball.
I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.
They should arrive promptly
at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation.
They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.
One last point:
No Jews, please.

In a written message, the captain replied:
'Madam, thank you for your invitation.

In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers.

One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.

The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering.

His Masters Degree and PhD In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.

Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and medical degree from the University of North Carolina.
We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .

Upon reading the letter the woman was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure.
Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform three very handsome, smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.'

'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'

What did Sean Connery say after he built his bookshelf wrong?
I’m ashamed of my shelf.
Anyone remember the chiropractor joke I put on here?
It was about a week back?
3 golf clubs walk into a bar.
The Putter orders a beer, the Wedge orders a whisky.

The Bartender asks the 3rd one if he wants anything.

He replies, "No thanks, I'm the Driver,"

There are no canaries in the Canary Islands. Same with the Virgin Islands
There are no canaries there either
What do you call two cops having sex?
Copulation
I got fired from my job at the Pepsi factory...
...when I tested positive for Coke!
Abe.
Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”

“Oh yeah?” the son retorts.

“Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”

What is it called when the lead singer of Rise Against is studying when his wife is having a baby?
Re-education (through labor)
I for one
I, for one, like Roman numerals
Now that an executive order has been signed to make Lake Ontario Lake America…
Does that make Canadian Geese Donald Ducks?
What's Michael Jacksons favorite drink?
Tea-Heeee
I’ve written a song about a locksmith
There’s a lovely key change at the end
What's the difference between Excel and a proctologist?
One is for spreadsheets and one spreads cheeks.
What animal has the most credit card debt?
The bull! Because he is always charging.
When I was young and stoned. (accidental dad joke)
When I was young and stoned. a few friends of mine and I went out to get some munchies. in the store I picked up a bag of Cheetos and went to go check out. I am about to pay and this poor cashier asked me "would you like these in bag?" I looked her, then I looked at the chips, looked at her again. I and then I thought (out loud) for everyone to hear "BuT ThEy ArE aLrEaDy In A baG!" In that moment and for a good 5 seconds every one just stopped and just stared at me. after that pause that seemed to have lasted forever my dumb butt just realized what happened so then I just sheepishly said "did I say that out loud. I'm sorry I was all up in my brain matter. no bag please" since then over the last 15 years my friends have never let that go.
Breaking news: Toilet stolen from local police station
Reports say the cops have nothing to go on
My buddy was telling me about his new hobby of photographing salmon in different outfits.
He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I was the first woman to burn my bra.
It took four days for the fire department to put it out.

-- Dolly Parton

Whats the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire
My friend told me he was to scared to grow an Apple Tree
So I told him to grow a pear.
A sumo wrestler overheard his friends discussing politics.
So he decided to weigh in on the conversation.
My mom & dad are both 70 years old.
But on the day my dad was born, my mom was twice his age. How?

(Dad joke riddle. Stumped my kids.)

Why do serious brisket smokers prefer the whole brisket?
Just smoking the flat is pointless.
What do you call a woman who lights fire to all her bills?
Bernadette.
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Quote

"The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government." - Thomas Jefferson

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