It finally happened. The legendary Holy Grail of dad jokes occurred at the dentist today.
I was at the dentist's front desk needing to reschedule my appointment.
Receptionist: "How about tomorrow?"
Me: "Sounds good. What time?"
Receptionist: "2:30."
I froze, locked eyes with her, and slowly began to grin.
Me: "Are you serious?"
Receptionist: "Umm... yes?"
Me: "Are you telling me I have a dentist appointment at Tooth Hurty?!"
She completely lost it. I think I've officially peaked as a father.

My wife says I'm pedantic because I take things literally
I corrected her, "No that would make me a kleptomaniac."

“Dad! I can’t sleep. There are monsters under my bed!” The father goes to check under his son’s bed and finds 2 monsters underneath.
“Well, it’s no wonder you can’t sleep, son. You have any idea how much caffeine is in these?”

I got fired from the keyboard factory.
Apparently I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

It’s ok to use natural materials when sewing, but don’t try making underwear out of grapes or bananas.
They just bunch up on ya.

An Orca can swim much faster me, while I can certainly out run the Orca.
So, in a triathlon, it would come down to which of us is the better cyclist.

What kind of mistake does a ghost make?
A grave error.

Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism - it’s a light sentence, but they’re given time to reflect

Pavlov walks into a bar.
The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."

I just had a shotgun wedding
It was a wife or death decision.

Happened to my brother.
My brother finished work late one night and caught the last bus home. Sitting on a nearly empty bus with 20 min left in his ride, the bus pulled over to pick up a man waiting at the bus stop.
The man climbed aboard carrying a large, steel, heavy box-fan. He paid his fare and awkwardly made his way to sit in the closest seat he could find. Set the heavy weight down and slumped into his seat breathing heavily. After a number of stops the man pulls the rope signalling he has reached his destination. The bus pulled over the man took a deep breath and hoisted his cargo up and worked his way to the front door to leave. The bus driver looked at him and said, “Good luck. Have a good night.”
The man looked back at him, smiled and said “No worries. I’ve got my biggest fan with me!”

True story. I can’t believe the commitment he needed to pull off that joke. It’s simply incredible. I wish I was there to see it happen. It’s just brilliant.

People who cannot tell the difference between etymology and entomology….
…bug me in a way I cannot put into words.

Be nice to your dentists.
He has fillings too.

Some people say that the USA is the stupidest country in the world.
Well I'm American and I say that the stupidest country in the world is Alaska.

I’ve been dating an entomologist for over a year now…
And she still gives me butterflies.

If Squidward is an octopus then why do they call him "Squidward"?
Because his other name would be Ockward.

Did you hear about the bankrupt historian?
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I was at an Estate sale this weekend...
I found a TV for sale with a sign saying, “Stuck on maximum volume, only $5.00".

Thought to myself, “I can’t turn that down!”

Ditzy husband to wife, “Honey, I think I know why you have been gaining weight.” Wife, “Let’s hear it”
Husband, “Pretty sure it’s your shampoo. It says on the bottle that it creates extra body.”

Im now three years into my sentence.
So I finally decided, that writing isn't for me.

To whoever took my bright yellow t-shirt and running shoes,
You can run, but you can't hide!

Gandhi
Gandhi walked all over India, making the soles of his feet very built up. But, due to his diet, he appeared frail. And, hunger strikes affect the enzymes in the mouth, often leading to bad breath.

Combined, this meant Gandhi was a "super-calloused, fragile mystic, plagued with halitosis."

What do you give a scientist with bad breath?
Experi-mints

“do not touch”…
must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says, "Bejesas, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."

The operator asks, "Is it tickin?"

and Paddy says, "No, I tink its beef"