I got cast in a film about a bakery. It’s not a huge part.
Just a small roll
Who's the strongest Arab?
The protein sheikh.
No, I will not loan you my concealed explosive devices.
They're mine.
There are more airplanes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.
That's plane to sea.
"Dad, why are those ants carrying signs and chanting slogans?"
"Son, those are Protest ants."
What do vampires eat for dessert?
Diabetics
My wife got a new Bible and asked where she should startI said,
“In The beginning”
What word is always spelled incorrectly in the dictionary?
Incorrectly!
Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears. "What's the matter?" asks Olaf. "Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets.""No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," comments the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"
" I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
Did you hear about the witch with inflammatory bowel problems?
Crone’s disease
Why do women prefer rocks to minerals?
because typically, mineral the same.
I had to delete the U2 GPS app off my phone...
The streets had no name plus I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
Everyone laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well…
Well they’re not laughing now
I became vegan 3 years ago. Every meal now feels like ..
A missed steak
Did you hear about the man who was born with five penises?
He walked kind of funny, but his pants fit like a glove.
Never date a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
Are monsters good at math?
No, unless you Count Dracula!
I want a pet that’s easy to care for and I’m considering getting a Mexican salamander
I heard they don’t axelotl of you.
What would you call a reindeer that likes to swim in the ocean?
Rudolphin.
Why should someone with great reflexes be in a leadership role?
They have a lot of response ability
How did roofers even make any money?Isn’t ever job is on the house
Edit: someone had a better way of phrasing. I’m just playing Forza 6 and I randomly thought of it.
Terrible jokeWhat do you call an alternative metal band of pigs?
Linkin' Pork
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?”
The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
Why didn't Adam and Eve have a MacBook or an iPhone?
Because God has this thing about Apples...
When Kit Carson wasn't out exploring, he lived on a small farm. One day, the famous frontiersman decided to surprise his wife with eggs and fish for breakfast.Arising early, he went down to the henhouse and collected some fresh eggs. There were only six.
On the way back, he stopped at the pond and landed a magnificient large-mouth bass. He wasn't sure how to carry everything---then he had an idea. He carefully dropped the eggs inside the fish and started for home.
Suddenly, the Western hero found himself confronted by a mean, hungry looking wolf. Fearing that he might become a meal for the canine, he threw the bass aside and hurried up a nearby tree. From there, he watched as the wolf grabbed his fish, eggs and all, and ran off.
When Carson got back home empty handed, he related the adventure to Mrs. Carson, who responded, saying, "You shouldn't have put all your eggs in one bass, Kit."
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