Seventy percent of the earth’s surface is covered in water and none of it is carbonated
That’s proof that the earth is flat.
Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
Today is my son’s 4th birthday. When he came out of his room this morning, I didn’t recognize him at first
It was as if I had never seen him be four
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she'll let it go.
I saw a NSFW ad not too long ago
What a cheeky commercial
A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, "Try a milk bath".
So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guys ask "You want that pasteurized?" "Nah", the man replies "Up to my chin should do it."
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mother carries a photo of only one of them in her wallet.
I guess if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.
Which fruit materializes spontaneously?
A pear.
I’m reading a horror story in braille.
Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.
I met my wife in the glue factory where we both worked.
We bonded immediately.
My career as a stand-up comedian ended when I tried telling jokes about the unemployed
It was clear that none of them worked
I'm an expert at sleeping.
I can do it with my eyes closed.
The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar…
It was tense.
Last night I dreamed I had to make a thousand pancakes…
I was tossing and turning all night.
I prefer the British spelling of "Diarrhea", because...
"Diarrhoea" looks like it's lost control of its vowels.
If you try to pave your own driveway and something goes wrong..
It’s your own asphalt
A priest, a preacher, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's officeHe says "doc you have to help me. First I feel I'm a teepee, then I feel I'm a wigwam. Then I think I'm a teepee, and then a wigwam. Teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam... What's wrong with me???"
The psychiatrist says "you're too tense."
If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot
It’s on the right foot
How does a nonbinary ninja attack someone?
They/Them
Why do ships in Norway have barcodes on their hulls?
To Scandinavian
Punch
Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you.
That's the punch line.
I always thought I wanted children, but I’ve completely changed my mind.
I’m not kidding!
Why did the Dalai Lama go to Vegas?
He loves Tibet!
Wandering through the plains, a buffalo encounters a wildebeest peeing in a pond. The buffalo shouts, “Hey, don’t do that! That’s our drinking water!”Embarrassed at the situation, the wildebeest replies, “I’m so sorry! I had no idea.”
The buffalo kindly answers, “It’s OK, I forgive you. I can tell you’re gnu around here.”
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