It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses.
A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded. Do you know of any others??
My suspicious wife asked how our lawn stays vibrantly green all year while the neighbors’ turn brown every winter. I said, “Well, I could try to convince you that I actually understand soil composition, or how I mastered the watering schedule all while studying mower blade sharpening techniques…”
“…but I dye grass.”
I accidentally handed my girlfriend the glue stick instead of the chapstick
She still isn’t speaking to me
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
He said no.
Multiple reports claiming Sting has been kidnapped
The Police still have no lead.
I keep getting into it with my dentist who happens to also be a carpenter
They keep fighting me tooth and nail on everything
Went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole…
He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.
I used to love chopping wood, but I can’t do it anymore.
It gives me a splitting headache.
I just found out I am colorblind
This news really came out of the purple.
What do you call a meteor that hits Earth?
A meteor, rite?
My kid asked if he could play some of my retro games.
I said "sure, you can".
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet?
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.
I went to the doctor because I couldn’t wake my feet up.
His diagnosis? They’re coma toes
Police are questioning people after a former star of Jersey Shore was found liquified in a vat of acid.
The Situation is fluid.
How did Jesus do on his final exam?
He nailed it
I told my wife that I was going to make a car out of spaghetti and she didn't believe me, but you should have seen her face when I drove pasta...
She was so shocked that she left me, and now I'm cannelloni.
If you can choose what kind of tree you’re going to fall out of, what kind should you choose?
A short one!
Very few people talk about the benefits of eating dried grapes
It's all about raisin awareness
A Dyslexic Man
Walks into a bra…
What do you call a Sith Lord from the South?
Darth Brooks or Darth Y'all
Why did Winnie the Pooh burn himself taking pizza out of the oven?
Because he used his bear hands.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and lobster with a boob job?
One is a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean
There’s a company that only tows Nissans
They’re called Head and Shoulders - Nissan Tows
What does scooby doo say after praying?
Ramen
Did you hear about the farmers that want a government bailout?They want money for nothing and their chickens for free.
Guess those farmers are in dire straits.
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