My dog frequently helps me out when I forget things. This morning while I was in my car he came sprinting down the driveway. I asked “what is it today boy?”
Dog: *pants*
What do you call sixty minutes of pain?
An oww-ur
Went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole…
He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.
When I worked in the Netherlands I had Eggs Benedict most days for breakfast. Sadly we don’t have it very often back in the UK.
How I miss my Holland days!
It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses.
A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded. Do you know of any others??
What room will you never find in a zombie's house?
The living room.
I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed
I went to bed 7 times last night
My suspicious wife asked how our lawn stays vibrantly green all year while the neighbors’ turn brown every winter. I said, “Well, I could try to convince you that I actually understand soil composition, or how I mastered the watering schedule all while studying mower blade sharpening techniques…”
“…but I dye grass.”
I stole someone’s marmalade
I didn’t like it though. It’s just not my jam
At dinner, my date told me her favorite yoga pose involves balancing on one leg, pressing her palms together above her head, and slowly twisting her body. “It’s called the drill, and believe it or not, I invented it.”
I said, “That’s a bit of a stretch.”
My girlfriend punched me in the face while she was on her period
I think she was just ovary acting
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
He said no.
HAPPY INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY!
Sorry, didn't mean to yell
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch
I accidentally handed my girlfriend the glue stick instead of the chapstick
She still isn’t speaking to me
What is the fastest city in the world?
Velocity!
Very few people talk about the benefits of eating dried grapes
It's all about raisin awareness
I keep getting into it with my dentist who happens to also be a carpenter
They keep fighting me tooth and nail on everything
We have got to stop with the smelling twelve donuts joke.
It dozen make scents.
I used to love chopping wood, but I can’t do it anymore.
It gives me a splitting headache.
Someone fainted on my flightI was on the plane last night and someone fainted. I heard the stewardess shout
“Is there a doctor on the plane?”
The guys next to me piped up.
“I am a doctor of English”
“Do you know CPR?” She asks
“Ma’am, I know the whole alphabet” the man said proudly
I went to a bakery and said “I’d like to buy a muffin with chocolate chips.”
The baker said, “Sorry, we only take cash.”
A man goes to a space convention
He tells a joke about the challenger, and it doesn’t land. However, when he told it on television, it blew up.
If you’re considering coloring someone’s hair as a career choice…
it’s a dyeing industry
Multiple reports claiming Sting has been kidnapped
The Police still have no lead.
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