Rofkar Computer Sciences

It finally happened. The legendary Holy Grail of dad jokes occurred at the dentist today.
I was at the dentist's front desk needing to reschedule my appointment.
Receptionist: "How about tomorrow?"
Me: "Sounds good. What time?"
Receptionist: "2:30."
I froze, locked eyes with her, and slowly began to grin.
Me: "Are you serious?"
Receptionist: "Umm... yes?"
Me: "Are you telling me I have a dentist appointment at Tooth Hurty?!"
She completely lost it. I think I've officially peaked as a father.

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire

My internship in Helsinki has come to an end
It has Finnished

My wife says I'm pedantic because I take things literally
I corrected her, "No that would make me a kleptomaniac."

What did baby corn say to momma corn?
“Where’s popcorn?”

8 hours of sleep each night, perfect diet, exercise every day, mental health on track, zero alcohol, zero debt and extremely hydrated.
This was my peak. I was 8 years old.

Did you know that 65 million years ago a lady named Sarah opened the first dinosaur blouse boutique
She called it Try Sarah’s Tops

My wife said her new gynecologist is a charming Southern gentleman. During her appointment, she asked if she needed to have her breasts screened.
He said, “Yes, ma’ammogram.”

“Dad! I can’t sleep. There are monsters under my bed!” The father goes to check under his son’s bed and finds 2 monsters underneath.
“Well, it’s no wonder you can’t sleep, son. You have any idea how much caffeine is in these?”

What do you call a $2 chicken?
Buck buck

I got fired from the keyboard factory.
Apparently I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

One day this normal guy whenever he farted, it sounded like "Honda." Funny at first, but the doctors found nothing wrong. A few months later while getting his dental cleaning, he kept farting Honda, Honda, Honda
The dentist informs the man he has an abscessed tooth. How do you know asked the farting man?

The dentist responded, we'll every one knows, "Abscess makes the fart go Honda!"

At my physical, the doctor said, “Today I’m going to give you a rectal screening.”
I replied, “Good. Anything to keep them mosquitos out.”

An Orca can swim much faster me, while I can certainly out run the Orca.
So, in a triathlon, it would come down to which of us is the better cyclist.

What do you call a professor who's absolutely crazy?
An academia nut!

Gandhi
Gandhi walked all over India, making the soles of his feet very built up. But, due to his diet, he appeared frail. And, hunger strikes affect the enzymes in the mouth, often leading to bad breath.

Combined, this meant Gandhi was a "super-calloused, fragile mystic, plagued with halitosis."

What kind of mistake does a ghost make?
A grave error.

It’s ok to use natural materials when sewing, but don’t try making underwear out of grapes or bananas.
They just bunch up on ya.

Happened to my brother.
My brother finished work late one night and caught the last bus home. Sitting on a nearly empty bus with 20 min left in his ride, the bus pulled over to pick up a man waiting at the bus stop.
The man climbed aboard carrying a large, steel, heavy box-fan. He paid his fare and awkwardly made his way to sit in the closest seat he could find. Set the heavy weight down and slumped into his seat breathing heavily. After a number of stops the man pulls the rope signalling he has reached his destination. The bus pulled over the man took a deep breath and hoisted his cargo up and worked his way to the front door to leave. The bus driver looked at him and said, “Good luck. Have a good night.”
The man looked back at him, smiled and said “No worries. I’ve got my biggest fan with me!”

True story. I can’t believe the commitment he needed to pull off that joke. It’s simply incredible. I wish I was there to see it happen. It’s just brilliant.

People who cannot tell the difference between etymology and entomology….
…bug me in a way I cannot put into words.

Pavlov walks into a bar.
The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."

A chemist won a major prize
A chemist won a major prize for their work on helium, neon and argon. Their university's tradition was to ring the main campus carillon in celebration, but it was closed for repair.

So they wound up with a no bell noble Nobel.

I just had a shotgun wedding
It was a wife or death decision.

Lots of people were very frustrated trying to get a meeting with Jesus because of his busy schedule
He was hard to nail down

True story leads to epic dad joke.
I was at the veterinarian with my shihtzu pup Chloe for her first checkup. Chlie was about a year old and not at all happy about being there.

Every time the Vet got close to her, Chloe barked and snapped at the doctor.

Finally the Vet goes into a drawer and produces a tiny muzzle with a little strap on the back and hands it to me.

Vet : I need you to try to put this on.

Me : I’ll try but there’s no way that’s gonna fit me.