Alcohol consumption is set to rise by 350% in England during the World Cup.
Until the group stages are over.
Kermit the Frog walked into a bank to borrow some money to make his next movieThe loan officer introduced himself as John Pattywhack, then told Kermit he’d need to offer something as collateral
“Take this,” Kermit said, and handed the loan officer an unfamiliar object
The loan officer looked at him and said, “I’m gonna need to talk with my manager”
The loan officer showed the object to his manager
“Kermit offered this as collateral but I have no idea what it is”
The manager rolled his eyes and said, “it’s a knickknack, Pattywhack. Give the frog a loan.”
Somebody told me that his hippo was trained to use the toilet.
But I think it's just a hippo potty myth
The mods told me to stop making bird jokes
I've been going for the cheep laughs.
What kind of pants does a ghost hunter wear
Just a paranormal jeans
Two drunks are about to get in a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and says, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face!”
That was the punchline.
I got a job teaching poetry to prison inmates.
It has its prose and cons.
I have really been enjoying my vacation in Norway…
I just wish it was more afjordable.
Tried to take a dump in the shower, but only farted.
It was a sham poo.
My wife bet me $1000 I couldn’t turn spaghetti into a car.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
Why did the dinosaur break up with his girlfriend?
Because his ex stinks.
Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions
I learned to never put avocados in my eyes.
I could wind up with guacoma.
A man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. "I am a turtle," he says. "Who's on your back?"
"That's Michelle
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked: "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"……….I replied: "No."
……….She responded: "How about now?"
If Jesus is the Son of God, then God is the Dad of Christ, and if all Dads do Dad jokes, what would be some Celestial Dad humor?
My thought is Australia.
What did Caesar say when his best friend sneezed?
Achoo, Brute?
What do you call the art of making stuffed penguins?
Tuxidermy
Pigeons make terrible dictators
They have a hard time suppressing a coo.
Did you hear about the game of the year that made zero dollars?
Me neither, that doesn’t make any cents.
Is investing in Foster Farms
Considered chicken stock
Why was the dictionary afraid to cross the road?
It couldn't look left or right, it could only look up.
Detectives knocked on my door and said that they were looking for a burglar with one eye.
I said wouldn't it be better if you used both eyes.
A small church was raising funds for a new piano. On Sunday the pastor said, “Whoever gives the most money today for the offering can pick out 3 hymns.So they passed the basket around and the pastor saw a $100 bill in there.
He said “Looks like we have a winner! Whoever gave the $100 bill can come to the front & select 3 hymns.”
An 80-year old woman got up, walked to the front, & pointing her finger at the congregation, said,
“I’ll take him, him, and him!“
I might have to start going back to church.
Pope-mobileThe Pope has been on a tour around the world. It has involved multiple plane trips and many hours of driving.
Arriving in yet another country and having met the crowds at the airport, he is led to the pope-mobile ready to travel to the next city. He is fed up of all this travelling, so he has a word with his chauffeur.
"I'm the Pope," he says. "I always sit in the pope-mobile and wave to everyone. I'm always driven around. Just for once, I want to drive."
The chauffeur can't see a problem with this as they will just be travelling along the motorway and not seeing any crowds. So, the chauffeur climbs into the back after handing the Pope the keys.
They set off down the motorway, and the Pope soon has the pope-mobile cruising along nicely. 50. 60. 70.
Before long, the Pope has really let loose and is flying down the motorway well over the speed limit.
He flies past a police car, which puts on its lights and pulls him over. The police officer approaches the car, and the Pope winds down the window. He takes one look at the Pope and backs away.
The officer gets on his radio to the police chief.
"Chief," he says, "we've got a situation out here on the motorway. I've just pulled over a car driving well over the speed limit, but I'm not sure what to do. There's someone really important in the car."
"Who is it?" the chief replies. "Surely they can't be that important. Just give them a ticket."
"I'm not sure I can," the officer says. "This person is unbelievably important."
"But who are they?" the chief asks, exasperated.
"I don't know," the officer replies. "But they must be really important. They've got the Pope for a chauffeur."
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