A Higgs boson walked into a Catholic church and said...
"whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't have mass without me"
Why was the one-legged man at the ATM?
He was checking his balance.
How do you tell the difference between a Baptist and a Methodist?
The Methodist will say hello to you at the liquor store.
Came up with this in Turkey. My wife was actually impressedMy wife and I were on a tour van in Istanbul, talking about all the mosques we visited with the guide.
I came up with this on the spot and asked the guide: “Do you know which mosque is the wealthiest in the world?”
I let her think for a few seconds, then said:
“Elon Musk.”
The guide told me jokingly to "get out of the van."
But my wife chuckled and later told me she was impressed. Honestly, that’s all that matters.
How can you make a toe edible and delicious?Dig a hole
Place toe in the hole
Cover it with dirt.
Now it’s a buried toe
(My 6yr old came up with this)
Did you hear about the guy who swallowed a lamp?
He just wanted a light snack.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there
He said he couldn’t complain.
If a man says he’ll do something, he’ll do it
You don’t have to keep reminding him every six months
Who were the five most constipated men in the Bible?Cain - He wasn't Abel.
King David - Heaven and Earth couldn't move him.
King Solomon - He sat on the throne for 40 years.
Moses - He took two tablets and went up on the mountain.
And Noah - He spent 40 days and 40 nights in the Ark, and passed nothing but water.
My fathers advice: "if you got up there on your own you can get down on your own".Great father.
Awful air traffic controller.
I dated this stunning girl once. She was a communist, originally from from China, but I met her while working in Switzerland. We lived in Denmark first then moved to Turkey and went on holiday in Canada. Then she cheated on me. I was devastated, but I really should have known better There had been a lot of red flags
Never do a calculus exam with identical twins
Its too hard to differentiate between them
What Operating System do the Eurythmics prefer to use?
Any Linux.
The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-mates.
What's blue and weighs very little?
Light blue
My daughter said she was gonna go vegetarian, but I saw her eating lunchmeat.
I think she’s full of baloney!
Son, did I ever tell you how I managed to escape from Iraq? No, dad, how?
I ran.
I was going to tell the joke about the tropical birds I glued together.
But never mind, it's toucan fusing.
I’ve been ignoring a a man as large as an emu.
He’s been ostrich-sized.
Little Red Riding hood.Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition.
Paramedics have stabilized her condition, but she's not out of the woods yet.
One thing that makes me angry is that it now costs, easily, over $3.00 to air up your tires at a gas station and back in my day it used to be free.
I really hate inflation.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once ...
...going twice…
Why do astronauts only use Macs?
Because you can't open Windows in space!
Did you hear about the wizard named Sloppy Joe?
He was a Manwich.
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