My neighbour named his dog '5 miles' so he could tell people he walked 5 miles every day.
Well today I ran over 5 miles...
Just had the best sex of my life, with a nun
Holy fuck!
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles
Who the hell runs 8 miles in 2 minutes
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four they’d be chicken sedans
My wife thought it was sweet when I said "Nothing comes between U and I"
But I was just talking about my keyboard.
Teacher: “Can you make a sentence using the word ‘initiate’?”
Student: “My mom ate two hamburgers, initiate a bag of potato chips.”
Worst solar eclipse ever.
One star.
Why doesn't Trump think the Epstein files are a big deal?
It's a minor problem.
How do you make a water bed bouncier?
Use spring water
A Target employee dropped a mannequin arm today and couldn't pick it up. Naturally, I stepped inAs I handed the detached limb back to her, I looked her dead in the eye and said,
"Here, let me give you a hand." Neither she nor my wife gave me even a smirk. I am officially seeking emotional support from Reddit.
Someone at work said the weather will be nice for the rest of the week…Another coworker said “nice is relative.”
I very sharply responded “I think you’ll find, NIECE is relative.”
And nobody laughed but me.
Not many people know this, but Shakespeare's Othello was an ordained minister who performed weddings.
Like I always say: The Moor, the marrier.
I know what turns your girlfriend on
The power button.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm?
He's all right now.
A bear walks into a bar.....and says "let me get uhhhhh.."
"Uhmmm?"
"A beer"
Bartender says, "sure but what's with the big pause?"
Bear says, "I was born with them"
I just made the funniest joke of my life and this guy I work with just stared at me like I was furnitureI was carrying a carton of eggs out of the store and somehow managed to drop the whole bag. Eggs everywhere. Absolute crime scene on the sidewalk.
Some random guy walks by, looks at the mess and goes, “Damn, that’s rough.”
I just sighed and said, “Yeah… guess I really scrambled that one.”
He blinked at me for a solid three seconds, said “…okay,” and kept walking.
I’ve been laughing about it alone in my car for the last two hours, but idk maybe it wasn't that funny or it was just him.
I knew a nun who would constantly pick at the threads of her clothes when she was nervous.
She's got a bad habit.
Honey... Why is there a strange baby in the crib?
Because you told me to change the baby...
Why hasn’t Bigfoot ever been spotted in Europe?
Europe only has Bigmeters
I opened a bakery in the basement.
Business is rising from the ground up.
You ever had sex while camping?
Its intense
Yo, what up, I’m DJ Basket
wicker wicker
I like rare delicacies, but after a long time, I went back to chicken …
It tasted like bald eagle …
I saw a bunch of batteries gathering in a circle this evening...
They were having their AA meeting.
What did Snow White do after she sent her pictures away to be developed?
She waited, hoping that some day her prints would come.
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