You can tell Donald Trump is a self-made man.He does everything himself. He pisses himself. He shits himself.
He can even go fuck himself.
I showed my son the first computer I had as a child.
He gave me a puzzled look and asked, "How DOS it work?"
I was told after a vasectomy I wouldn’t have kids anymore…
…imagine my shock when I got home and they were still there!
What do you call a person who eats other people slowly?
A cannibble
Why is it so hard for woman to work in the postal Services?
Because its such a mail dominated industry
What does a hot dog use for protection?
Condoments
The Grill Comparison:
A husband rudely tells his wife, "Your butt is getting so big, it’s larger than our BBQ grill!" Later that night, he tries to initiate some romance, but his wife immediately shuts him down. When he asks what's wrong, she replies, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?".
I went to school to be a magician, but I flunked out.
Their tests had too many trick questions.
I thought going to the zoo with my wife just to see the new baby deer would be boring.
But it was actually pretty fawn.
Why is it so easy to weigh fish?
Because they have their own scales!
A time traveller appears in a bar, taking half an hour to fully materialize
The bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, buddy... Why the long phase?"
You can't drown in raw milk
If there's enough for you to drown... it must be past your eyes.
Not all naval vessels can go under water.
Only a subset of them can.
A woman named Brittany was placed on a jury trial for murder
The verdict was decided by Brittany's peers.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
What do you call a 2$ chicken?
Buck buck
Do you know what would be a great name for diarrhea medicine?
Gonorrhea
The Chinese man who invented the camera lens has passed away.
Rest in peace Zoo Min
I'm in court tomorrow for stealing luggage...
I'm hoping it'll be a brief case.
My kid texted me: “I just spilled bleach and baking soda all over the floor. What do I do??” I wrote back: “Throw a blanket over it.” A minute later he replied: “Okay… now what?”
I said: “Nothing. All our bases are covered.”
The teacher calls in a student to have a talk"Larry I was looking at your essay called 'my dog' and the words in the essay are identical to your sister's essay. Can you explain?"
"Yes," Larry says. "It's the same dog."
I can bench press 1000 pounds
Not all at once, of course. But lifting 50 pounds twenty times over three days, no problem!
What’s the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
One of them will mature and make money.
What's a foot-fetishist's favourite vehicle?
Toe Truck
Where would you find a peacock at a grocery store?
Next to the peanuts.
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