I tried donating blood once. Just once, never again!
Too many stupid questions:
Where'd you get it? Whose blood is it? Why is it in a bucket?
As an inexperienced mountain climber, I will say Sherpas are a waste of time
and I will die on this hill
Customers are very excited about the new entrée at the Cannibal restaurant.
They say it's the best thing since sliced Brad.
Today marks the 10 year anniversary of when I was scammed by that rental car company.
Even after all these years, it still Hertz.
The female janitor asked me if I wanted to smoke weed with her.
I said no; I don’t like high maintenance women
I texted my date that I was looking forward to taking her to my favorite Italian spot. She wrote back, “Um sorry, those places are usually rat-infested.” Ok, then Chinese? “Ew, cockroaches!” Greek? “They probably have termites.” How about you meet my dog for a nice walk? “Nah… she likely has fleas.”
I had no idea I was dealing with such a pestimist.
Someone just tried to sell me a coffin.
That's the last thing I need.
Breaking Bad was a great series.
But it had its Heisenlows.
I took my car for a service on Sunday.
Bur it wouldn't fit through the church doors.
Drumroll pleaseAs I get older my dad jokes just keep getting better. I was taking the girls to high school this morning as I usually do. Krissie and Savannah were talking about Krissie's Japanese class. She was saying that they had different spellings and dialects. Savannah asked her how many Japaneses there were.
I said you know if Scarlett, Gia and Georgia lived in Japan they would be your Japannieces...
Dead silence. They were not impressed.
Prayers.
Why do they say “Amen” rather than “A woman” at the end of songs at church?
Because they’re hymns not hers..
A cop knocks at the door. "Mr Smith, may I see a photo of your wife, please?""Certainly, there you are" says Mr Smith.
"I'm sorry" says the cop. "It looks like your wife was hit by a bus."
Mr Smith replies "That's true, but she's a great cook."
I just went to the shop to replace the rubber on my wheels
And I'm so tired
What do you call a cleaning skeleton?
The “grim sweeper.”
What did the invitation to the ghost party say?
Bring your own boos.
lame joke of the day...
a grasshopper walks into a bar.
the barkeep says 'Hey, we have a drink named after you.'
the grasshopper replies, 'you have a drink named Doug.'
(OC!) Made some meatball subs for dinner with lots of sauce and cheeseWhen I served them to the fam I said “You might need some napkins because these subs have the most World Cup goals of all time”
From the fam: “Huh??”
Me: “They are Messi”
Did you hear the one about Beethoven?
Neither did he.
Not a joke… I want to thank whoever posted the joke about having “peekaboo virus” last week…My daughter is a nurse in the UK National Health Service and I sent it to her on WhatsApp:
Hi darling, I don’t want to worry you but I’ve been diagnosed with peekaboo syndrome.
.
.
.
They’re taking me to the ICU.
She replied with the eye rolling emoji and I said I’d really enjoyed it. She replied:
“I liked it but I'm mad about it because it caught me out. Because I naturally worry about your health.”
This is peak dad jokes to me.
I paid a bunch of kids to throw stones at my nemesis
Legal loophole i came up with after reading Jesus said let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
I had trouble getting promoted in the private sector,so I switched to the corporal sector.
Easy peasy.
Son: "Where do cows live?" Me: ? Son: "In a cowse."Me: "Ah, the invisible one in the field, just pasteurize."
---
(Little creep doesn't know moo he's dealing with.)
What do you call it when a person dies and comes back as a cowboy?
Reintarnation
I wrote a book about the Black Death and sent it to a publisher, but they rejected it…
They accused me of Plaguerism.
It seems that there is a world wide shortage of hobby horses for carousels
There's just not enough to go around.
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