Why is sex like math?
You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you don’t multiply.
Hoover Dam PSA
Not a joke, but just returned from the Hoover Dam tour with my son, and it was endless Dad jokes like on National Lampoon's Vacation.
"Take all the dam pictures you want", "Let's get in the dam elevator", "Should we get a drink from the dam water fountain",etc.
Endless opportunities!
When I asked my friend, who works in IT, “How do you make a motherboard?”, he explained...
“I usually tell her about my job.”
What is it called when a chameleon can't change colour?
A reptile dysfunction
The guy who stole my diary died yesterday.
My thoughts are with his family.
Do you want to see The Odyssey?You Odyssey deez nuts!
I’ve been dropping this joke to my friends over text asking if they want to see the Odyssey and then when they say yes giving this as a reply.
It’s the dumbest joke and has absolutely started off my weekend on an amazing vibe.
(My 19 yo daughter just made this up and I’m so proud!) How can you tell if you are having dinner with a termite?
They order the house salad.
Why are there so few comics who do stand-up over Zoom?
They’re not even remotely funny.
Hey I saw this chicken at the gym...
....it was working on it's pecs
I won an award for most modest person.
But I don't think I can accept.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware
My grandfather worked as an elevator repairman for over 30 years. I thought of doing the same thing and asked him if he enjoyed it.
He said “It had its ups and downs. Some days someone was always pressing your buttons but overall it was an uplifting job.”
Mountains are not funny
They are hill areas
I went on a date the other day with a woman who works at the zoo and I tell you....
....she's a keeper
Did you know Mozart killed all of his chickens?
It's because whenever he asked them who their favorite composer was, all they'd say was Bach! Bach! Bach!
My father worked 12 hours every day just to put food on the table.
Amazing man, but slowest cook ever.
I Hate McDonald’s…
They’re my arch nemesis!
My dad wasn’t the world’s greatest proctologist
But he was right up there
I accidently glued myself to my autobiography.
That's my story and im sticking to it !
I never realized that cookie factory tours could be so dangerous
They made me sign a wafer
How do you turn a duck into a 1970’s Soul Singer?
Put it in the oven until it’s bill withers
What do you call the rich people of North Korea?
The Chosin ones.
Just lost a stair climbing competition.
I’m gonna have to step up my game. I guess there’s levels to this.
Have you heard about MI6 having a new programme to recruit janitors?
Rumour has it that they're looking for sweeper agents
My wife wasn't sure if it was okay to take an after-dinner breath freshener
I reassured her and said it was mint to be
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