Cancer is like a dad joke.
Not everybody gets it; but those who get it, wish they didn't.
My wife grumbled, “Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?” I smiled and replied...
“That’s a novel idea!"
A couple had been spending money at such an alarming rate that they feared they wouldn't be able to afford their annual holiday.The husband came up with a "brilliant" savings plan: every time they were intimate, he would put $20 into a large piggy bank.
A year later, the holiday season approached, and the husband finally cracked open the piggy bank to see how much they had collected. He was immediately puzzled. "Wait a minute," he said, "Every time we've been together, I've put in a $20 bill. But there are $50 and $100 bills in here! Where did these come from?"
His wife looked at him and sighed, "That's your trouble—you think everyone is as stingy as you!".
Believe it or not, my wife’s the only one i’ve ever been with.
All the rest have been an eight or higher.
My wife left me because I’m too insecure.
No wait... she’s back. She was just getting coffee.
Why do people in Athens hate mornings?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
NASA sent a satellite into space to apologize to the aliens.
They named it APOLLO G
My wife warned me not to steal the kitchen utensils…
But it's a whisk, I'm willing to take!
What did the O say to the other O?
Ohio!
A local restaurant made a soup stock out of nitrogen and oxygen.
Critics are calling it a broth of fresh air!
What does a horny toad say?
"Rub it, rub it."
I was out golfing with my son; my wife texted me afterward and asked “how did you play?”“With our clubs.”
She refused to allow us back into the house.
When my twins were being delivered, my daughter was born at 5 to midnight, but my son didn’t follow right away.
The Dr. said “Don’t worry, the son’ll come out, tomorrow.”
Have you heard that the man who invented the telephoto lens has died?
Rest peacefully, Tzu Min...
The government is doing a experiment by giving marijuana to sea birds…
…They want to leave no Tern unstoned.
Where did the bowl of soup go to get laid?
A "Broth"el
When my kid is upset I let him color my tattoo…
He just needs a shoulder to Crayon.
What do you call a caveman who doesn't know where he going?
Meanderthal
What’s E.T. short for?
Cuz he’s got little legs.
What’s the last thing they do to a 'Tickle Me Elmo' before placing it in the box?
They give it two test tickles.
The soccer fans booed me when I tried to sketch a chicken in the middle of the game.
I was just trying to draw a fowl!
My friend Terrence can’t stop talking through the films we watch…
We call him “commenterry “
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals!
How We Solve the Energy Crisis (I've Done the Math)Everyone, listen. We're in an AI race and we're behind on power. AI eats electricity like it's an all-you-can-burn buffet and the rest of us are picking up the tab.
So I was watching Monsters Inc. Their whole grid ran on kids screaming — monsters come through the closet door, scare them, bottle the shriek. Then they discover laughter is more potent and pivot the entire utility overnight. Impressive turnaround for a company with no board.
But I have a better feedstock. What is simultaneously terrifying and hilarious? What makes a person want to cry and laugh at the same moment?
Dad jokes.
Here's the build. We attach small motor-generators to the eyes of teenagers. Then we tell dad jokes. Every eye roll is a revolution, and revolutions per minute is just called power. A mediocre pun gets you maybe 40 RPM. A really good one — the kind where the dad pauses first so you can see it coming — clears 90, easy, with torque to spare.
The beauty is the supply side. Dads are a step-up transformer: minimal input, enormous groan output, no charge. And the resource is renewable. Teenagers fully regenerate their contempt overnight while sleeping. Zero downtime. Runs at ambient temperature. The only emission is a long sigh.
We run each subject until they can't even. At that point they're odd, they've said "oh my god" enough times to register on the meter, and we rotate in a fresh cohort. Honestly there may be no end to it — there are more dad jokes than there are dads, which is a statistic I find deeply reassuring.
I'm calling it the National Groan Initiative. Fully sustainable, entirely domestic, and frankly, watt else are we going to do.
What’s a ghost’s favorite type of sex?
Boo-ty calls.
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