My boss asked me: why I am sick on week days only?
I said it must be my weekend immune system
To who ever stole my anti-depressants….
I hope you are happy now
The woman who fell from a cruise ship has been named
Eileen Dover
My paper plane won’t fly
It’s completely stationary
You know why you can never hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm.
It would be a lot less weird if she'd just let me in.
My in-laws stopped over for the weekend. My Father-in-law forgot to pack deodorant, so my wife offers the choice of a deodorant and an antiperspirant, and asks "which one would you like?".. he looks, pauses, and replies " ummm"I chimed in... "give him a minute, he's stinking about it!"
(Of course nobody except my father in law chuckled. :)
The other day a grandfather clock fell over and landed on my fingers
I had too much time on my hands
If life opens a door and it shuts
Open the door again, that’s how a door works
My sister placed a bet with me that I couldn’t name a state that starts with an “I” other than Illinois
Now Iowa a lot of money
My Boss suggested I sign up for a 401k
No way I am running that far
Bruce Lee had a brother no one liked
Brocco
Which Vice President was the worst at maintaining the Reflecting Pool?
Al G.
What do you call a cow’s knee?
A burger joint.
I accidentally drank my laxatives with holy water.
I'm about to start a religious movement.
I love telling Dad jokes
He, on the other hand, thinks my jokes are dumb and repeatedly tells me to stop
happy father's day!one of my friends told me years ago that his daughter came up to him and said, DADDY! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!
he said thank you and she should let her mommy know that too. so she went to her mommy and said, MOMMY! I LOVE DADDY SO MUCH!
happy father's day, all!
I'm reading a book about sandpaper.
It's a work of friction.
Where does T-rex keep its gigantic socks and tiny mittens?
In a d-RAAWWRR
Does anyone else think it's unnecessarily cruelthat the Weight Watchers website asks you to accept cookies?
I mean, that has to be a trap, right?
I went to the ER with a deep open cut on my arm. I asked the doctor if I could close it on my own..
He said it’s ok with me, suture yourself
Just asked my 9-year-old son what he learned in school today.
He said, "apparently not enough because I have to go back tomorrow".
Autopsy club party meets here on Friday …
It’s open mike night
The reason Donald Duck has feathers on his butt
Is because it covers his quack.
I don’t always roll a joint but when I do
It’s an ankle
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