I tried to come up with a carpentry pun, but it took me a long time to find one that woodwork.
I think I nailed it!
Asked my wife to set up her dumbest single friend, Gina, to go on a date with my dumbest single friend Ralf.
Asked my wife to set up her dumbest single friend, Gina, to go on a date with my dumbest single friend Ralf. Gina shows up and Ralf says I like your blonde hair, is that natural. Gina replied: No, I wore this wig for our blonde date....how did you know? Ralph takes off his dark glasses and folds up his guide cane and says, oh, sorry, I thought it was a blind date.
My lifelong dream was to have beautiful girls screaming my name
But to be honest, hearing "Dad!" all day is starting to get old.
I have a major problem with Indian bread
My wife said it's a naan-issue, but I better curry up and figure it out.
What do you call a lycanthrope who sells reusable containers?
A Tupperwerewolf.
If a one-L lama is a holy man, and a two-L llama is an animal, what’s a three-L lllama?
Turns out, it’s a big fire in Boston.
I asked a street artist to draw me next to the most obnoxious person he could think of.
When he handed it to me, I was beside myself.
What do you call a constipated condiment?
Mustard
As a fat person, I’m on the moral high ground roughly 90% of the time.
Because I’m usually the bigger person. 🥁
What do you call a robbery where the robbers left no stains or fingerprints?
Stainless steal
What did the snowman have for breakfast?
Ice Crispies.
Just came up with this one
Ouch i accidentally broke a tooth. I need it fixed.
I need acci-dental insurance
Ik it’s lame but aren’t they all?
My kid came up crying at the beach, holding his tiny sand bucket next to his older sister’s huge one. “It’s not fair!!” I looked at the two and said, “Wow…”
“It’s pails in comparison.”
What's the Pope's favorite scent?
Pope-pourri
Someone tried to tell me a joke about Michael Jackson songs…
And I told them to Beat It.
What did Dracula tell the waiter?
I don't like stake.
People are like onions...
If you chop them up into tiny pieces, everyone nearby starts crying.
I was at the airport and noticed the singer from Jane's Addiction out of the corner of my eye
I saw him with my Perry Farrell vision
My friend told me about his new invention: A thought controlled air freshener. I said, "I just don't see how you're gonna market that."
He said, "Well...it makes scents if you think about it."
Dad do you mind if I put something on the tv?
Sure but I don't think the wall mount will support anything too heavy.
Freddie Mercury was in the china shopHe dropped one plate and then another. He picked up a third.
Before he could throw it to the floor the shopkeeper asked him what he was doing.
'I want to break three.'
My gf is a doctor who is constantly being asked to come in to deal with cancer patients
She's in oncallogy
My last name's case and I always wanted a daughter
I have the list of names for my girl child and another name as "Justin" ... justincase if it's a boy.
Why shouldn’t you eat a clock?
Because it’s very time-consuming.
IKEA MurderMy teenager had to write up a description of a crime scene for a forensics class. I suggested a crime scene inside an IKEA, where a jerk manager was bludgeoned by an employee, using a vase or something that has a vaguely Swedish name.
My middle-schooler: Ah, yes. The Månkïllå.
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