My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
What do you call bears without ears?
B
My wife is a teacher at a very small school. She only has two students in her class & both of them are going to live to be very old
Both of her pupils are going to dilate
What has four big wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
I have a family member that always sleeps.
It's my napkin.
What type of shoes does a serial killer wear?
White vans.
My wife texted, “Call me ASAP! It’s an emergency!!”
I’m like, “Babe, what’s so urgent about a nickname?”
My oldest daughter had the shortest birthday of her life yesterday.
It was her 22nd birthday.
After I took a football to the groin, my teammate said I should become a farmer...
...Because now I have a couple of ache-ers.
What is the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Deer nuts are under a buck.
I was going to make a joke about supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
But I thought the sound of it was something quite atrocious.
I just read that crows are losing their ability to communicate.
Scientists are scrambling to find the caws.
What do teenage rocks start putting on when they feel a little self conscious about their smell?
Geodorant
I have a friend from Prague who loves to play chess.
He's my Czech mate!
I warned my kids about using their whistle in the house.And I gave them one last chance.
Unfortunately…
They blew it.
A physicist told me photons can't have mass and I set out to prove him wrong.
Turns out I was right. Photons can totally exist in a church on Sunday.
The dad who invented knock-knock jokes
can rightfully be nominated for a no-bell prize.
Pinocchio, under the right conditions
can poke his nose into other people's business
I entered a pun competition. I entered around 10 puns thinking one of them is bound to win...
... But no pun in ten did
Police Officer: "Why are you driving around with a book in your hands?"
Driver: "It's a long story..."
When I was in elementary school, my teachers’ names all coincidentally started with the same letter.Ms. Anderson
Mr. Stevens
Mrs. Platt
Mr. Blake
Ms. Robles
Mrs. Wilson
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They’d crack each other up.
What do you get when you mix Viagra with spinach?
Strong to the finish.
If playgrounds have seesaws...
Then they should have hearheards
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