I should never have exposed myself in the elevator.
It was wrong on so many levels.
What kind of doctor was Dr Pepper?
He was a Fizzician.
Doctor: “Do you want the good news or the bad news?” Me: “Good news.”
Doctor: “You’ll be able to park wherever you want.”
Why wasn’t the devil afraid of balding?
Because there will be hell toupee
I got my mom a massive jar of Jelly Belly's for Mother's Day. It was going to be a surprise.
But someone spilled the beans.
A limbo champion walked into a bar
He lost
A bloke down the pub told me his mate Jack was the inventor of hot tubs.
I said “Jack, who’s he
My grandfather got his tongue shot off in the war.
But he never talked about it.
I asked my wife is she wanted to go out to dinner tomorrow and she said yes.
I'm pretty excited to have the apartment to myself for the evening
Bond, James Bond.
What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath?
Bubble 07.
I tried to learn the alphabet on a cruise and it went horribly wrong.
I'm lost at C.
I heard Celine Dion will be removing all the consonants from her name.It's a gesture in support of declining farmland in her native Quebec, Canada.
[Wait for it.]
Mother's Day has the lowest crime rate of any other day of the year
I think this shows just how many moms are out there committing crimes that can't that day
A man with a stutter died in prison.
Before he could even finish his sentence
why does no one know this joke??? “did you fall in”
im 21f and i say this for EVERYTHING. I know the joke originated from someone taking too long in the bathroom but I evolved it to when someone took too long coming from anywhere, but literally NO ONE knows what im talking about even when I go back and explain the toilet part of it they still never heard of it. If you know what this is give me your age range this could be bc i have older siblings but i really thought it was a commonly used joke!
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying, “Wow, ceiling.”
What do you call a naked, 4’10” mother?
A bare minimum
Someone hit me with a tuning fork
It really hertz
I admit it, I have a small butt.
It's a real assette.
What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?
Ian
I tried to make a cheesy joke about Parmesan…..
But it was too hard
How much milk can kittens drink?
A litter
I lost 150 pounds in 30 seconds
It's not weight loss, I got pick-pocketed in england
What is a trouts favorite toy brand?
Fisherprice.
Back in my day, you used to be able to get air for free at the gas station, but now it's $1.
That's inflation for you.
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