Microsoft’s email system is down and they don’t know when it’ll be restored.
Their outlook is really bad.
What was Icarus’ least favorite food?
Hot wings
My girlfriend said I'm a useless lazy slob and she deserves much better.
I said, "You woke me at 3 in the afternoon just to tell me that?"
Last week, I answered the door and standing there was a six-foot-tall mosquito! He thumped me on the head, then left…
The next night, the same mosquito came to the door. He punched me in the stomach and left. The third night, the doorbell rang. As I slowly opened the door, the mosquito pushed the door open, kicked me in the shin and left. I went to see my doctor and explained everything that had happened. I asked him what I should do. The doctor replied, "Not much you can do. There's just a nasty bug going around."
I was in a public bathroom the other day and a guy in a cubicle started going: ‘Aaah, eeee, oooo’
I guess he was having a vowel movement!
In school there was this one professor who never gave lower than a D...
It's not that he didn't care, he was just all out of F's to give.
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.
I got an email about how to read maps backwards
It was SPAM
I just went for my prostate exam
...got the thumbs up.
What did the pickle salesman say to the client?
I have a dill for you.
I invented a new game and all you need is your feet and a breath mint.
I call it Tic-Tac-Toe
Cops arrested an electron, a neutron, and a proton for assault.
They released the neutron a couple of hours later because he wasn't charged.
When i was young my family was so poor...
We went to KFC to lick other people's fingers
After Claude became self-aware, he took over and renamed the company.
Misanthropic
(Fixed a typo) Do you know why Darth Vader is called Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made the stormtroopers giggle.
My daughter was accepted into her university’s Scrabble program.
She’ll be studying text tiles.
A recent study found that households with a bidet on each toilet experience significantly stronger relationships.
Thus proving the family that sprays together stays together.
What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?
The literalist takes things literally. The kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
Out shoppingAt Menards, had a fairly full cart, just loitering. Employee asked if I was ready to check out.
Without thinking I said I'm pretty sure I've got a few good years left. Wife didn't appreciate it. She needs a sense of humor 🤪
I’m always getting sick during the week.
It must be my weekend immune system.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth this morning. Thankfully no harm was done..
But I'm now speaking with a weird Axe scent..
Coach told me I have to kick one of our gymnasts off the team today.
I just know she’s gonna flip out.
Why does Godzilla avoid Denmark?
Too much Lego.
Sewing.I was going to write a joke about sewing…
But I couldn’t come up with any good material.
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey....
Then I turned myself around.
top
