What’s the difference between toilet paper and curtains?(Expecting the answer “I don’t know”)
So it was you!
What do you call someone who believes only 12.5% of the Bible is true?
An eighth-theist
Hi everyone, 26F here :)
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
I got a new compass, but I don't know how to use it.
It didn't come with directions...
I got thrown out of Mime Club yesterday
It must have been something I said
I told my gf to dress up so that we can go to the most expensive place in town
The gas station
What’s it called when your doctor corrects your punctuation?
A medically induced comma
70% of the Earth's surface is covered in water and none of it is carbonated.
That's my proof that the Earth is flat.
I was trying to figure out how to put my seatbelt on today.
Then it suddenly clicked.
Why is Santa Claus so jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live
A guy walks into a bar joke
A writer walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life," he tells the bartender. "It's an oughtobiography."
A blonde girl was so tired of hearing blonde jokes
To the point she thought about dyeing...
What brand of power tools does Mozart use?
DeWaltz
Me: *Asking my kid on their 8th birthday before every meal…*”Are you even hungry? You already 8.”
My wife: *glaring at me for the rest of my life*
I go to the psychiatrist. After 20 minutes, he tells me I have a split personality and asks for $150.
Take it up with the other guy—he's the rich dude.
Did you know everyone is born with four kidneys?When you grow up, two of them become adult knees.
And only one of those works right.
Johnny was no scientist, now Johnny is no more, because Johnny confused H²O with H²SO⁴
This one's an old favourite from when I was at school.
How did the penguin build his house?
Igloos it together
Have your heard the new song just released from the group Felines?
Rock The Cat Spa
I’ve heard about women who were subjected to dad jokes all over the country. They withstood them bravely and supported each other in these dire circumstances.
They became a band of mothers.
They’re getting a mold for me to bite down on for them to model the crown
I hope I make a good impression
An obsession over pillows can really get to peopleFirst it’s the synthetics-stuffed pillows…
Then the cotton pillows…
Then it’s all Down from there…
My toilet was spraying water everywhere
Im having a bad biday
Suspected thief arrested after being found asleep on a wireless battery pack.
A man has been charged.
Orlando Bloom used to have an extensive Lego collection he worked on with his kids. Unfortunately his home was broken into and many sets were stolen.It was a great Lego-loss.
(Not my joke, one of those random Reddit comments under a post, wanted to share because it’s really clever!)
top
