I've never seen the movie Frozen, so I asked my 4 year old daughter to summarize it for me
She looked at me funny and said, well if I SUMMERIZE it, then it would be called MELTED!!
Fun fact; around 60% of people who watched The Cure live in concert...
actually watched Placebo and enjoyed it just as much.
My wife said “ I’m sick of you pretending to be a detective and that we should split up”.
I said that’s a great idea, we can cover more ground that way.
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” "But you are the lawyer" replied the cops.
"Exactly, so where’s my present?"
Scientists recently combined the DNA of a Cheetah with the DNA of a Crab.
Things went sideways really fast!
My son excitedly asked me if I wanted to watch a show about how they dug a tunnel under the English Channel to connected England to France.
I told him, "No thanks that sounds like a boring documentary."
Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.
It's also their biggest import.
My daughter walked out of her room wearing tissue boxes on her feetShe said "Look dad, I'm wearing ti-shoes"
True story
What do you call a grizzly with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
I told my husband that it was his turn to shovel and salt the front steps.
All I got was icy stares.
What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer?
The space bar.
Did you hear about the guy who robbed an ice cream shop?
He was charged with Grand Theft Gelato.
My wife asked me to name all my sexual partners in order.
I probably should have stopped when I got to her name.
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missle toe
What do you call a mediocre protractor?
Amateurtractor
To make a long story short
I became an editor.
What does a car put on it’s toast?
Traffic jam
i told a joke during a work zoom call, and nobody laughed.
evidently i am not even remotely funny.
Why did the baker become a thief
Because he kneaded the dough
I walked into the opticians yesterday you'll never guess who I bumped into...
Everyone
What do you call a factory that produces thing that are just okay?
A satis-factory!
What kind of music do fish not like?
Catchy music.
A golf club walked into a bar......and ordered a vodka martini.
Bartender said, "I can't serve you. You're gonna be driving later."
What smells bad when living but smells good when dead?
Bacon!
The doctor said I had high nitrates.
So I’m switching to day rates.
top
