I'm using only fans right now and it's hot.
I'm waiting for a technician to get my air conditioner fixed
I asked a girl to go out with me but she said that my face looked like the back of a boat.
I didn’t reply, but I gave her a stern look.
Last weekend I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed in her apartment.
I declined - I just can’t deal with high maintenance women.
In bed with a priest, a nun said, "Father, I never expected you'd have such a small organ".
He replied, "why, sister... I never expected to be playing in such a large cathedral."
A tough old Texas cowboy once gave his granddaughter some unusual advice. He told her that if she wanted to live a long, healthy life, the secret was simple: sprinkle a small pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal every single morning.Not wanting to argue with a man who had survived cattle drives, dust storms, and Texas summers, the granddaughter took his advice to heart. Every morning, without fail, she added just a pinch of gunpowder to her breakfast.
She followed this routine faithfully for the rest of her life.
The years passed, and the advice seemed to work. She lived an exceptionally long life, finally passing away peacefully in her sleep at the age of 103.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren…
…and a 40-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
True fact: Dolly Parton once entered a Dolly Parton look-a-like contest and didn't win! Same thing happened to Charlie Chaplin & Elvis Presley.
I understand the last two. Neither of them look like Dolly Parton.
I saw a piece of toast at the zoo...
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
What does a horny frog say?
Rub it
What do "Titanic" and "the 6th sense" have in common?
Icy dead people.
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11...
It was just a spare, I guess.
My kid asked, “Dad, why is there always a cape, top hat, and playing cards all over your bedroom floor?”
I said, “Because that’s where the magic happens.”
My butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder
and got a little behind in his work that day.
How often do mushrooms reproduce?
Sporadically.
My banana was hard to open
I find that unappealing.
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets. As he walked away he turned to the cadet & said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."
The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge, no sir! I promised myself when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
I know a friar who curiously owns a pair of Nike Air shoes.
Since then, I've called him the "Air Friar."
Apparently you *have* to call them Personal Computers now...
Anything else just isn't PC.
Did you know you can wear any boat as a hat?
You just have to turn it upside down to make it cap-sized.
In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.
I know that, because I kept a log.
What does a vibrator and soy protein have in common?
They're both meat substitutions
What do you call a guy with no shins?
Tony
A huge thanks to the guy that just explained the word "plethora" to me.
It means a lot.
My friend claims that doing a single yoga pose counts as a whole workout.
I think that's a bit of a stretch.
The cashier at the grocery store asked me if I would like my milk in a bag
I replied "No thanks leave it in the carton".
I don’t like margarine or smoked meats as much as my new wife…
…But I vowed to be in it for butter or wurst.
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