My son came home from winter break and I told him it felt like an entury since I’d seen him. He goes, "What the heck does entury mean?"
I said, "Long time, no C."
A conversation on an airplaneA devout Catholic man boarded a plane and was really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden the pope boarded and was ushered to the seat next to him.
As the man thought about how best to conduct himself and what to say the pope took out a golf pencil and started doing a crossword puzzle.
Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles? the man thought. I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation!
Sure enough, after about 10 minutes the pope leaned over and asked, “Do you know a four-letter word for a woman that ends in U-N-T?"
Oh no. The man was speechless. He sat there, thinking “The pope won't speak to me if I say what first came to mind.” Then the lightbulb came on “ Oh!" he said. "AUNT. The word you're looking for is 'aunt', Your Holiness."
The pope nodded. "Ah, of course. Do you have an eraser?"
Today I learned that Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
What do you call a network of shy people
A nervous system
Remember to poop before midnight on dec 31
You dont want to be carrying the same $h!t into 2026….
Mary gave birth to Jesus. And Jesus was a Lamb of God..
So does that mean Mary had a little lamb...
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Why do I always get those little tiny wax-wrapped cheese snacks in my Christmas stocking?
Because Christmas is all about the baby cheeses.
“I have good and bad news,” the doctor said to his patient. “Give me the good news first,” the patient said. “Your test results are back,” the doctor said, “and you have only two days to live.” “That’s the good news?” the patient exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“I’ve been trying to reach you for two days!!!
Why doesn't the sun need to go to university?
Because it has 27 million degrees
I got lost while running a marathon in Sweden.
I knew it as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.
When i get naked in the bathroom.
The shower gets turned on!
What do you call a fish with four eyes?
Fiiiish
I’ve lost control. I don’t see an end. There is no escape. I don’t even have a home anymore.
Guess it’s time for a new keyboard.
Bible study9-year old Joey’s mother asked what he’d learned in Sunday school that morning.
“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.”
“When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”
“Now, Joey,” is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother smiled.
Joey fidgeted and said, “Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher told it you'd never believe it!”
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places.....
He said, “Well… stop going to those places.”
Where do cows go for entertainment?
The mooooo‑vies!
RIP to the pigeonsDid you hear about the guy who caused the death of a pair of pigeons by yelling at them really loudly?
Yeah, I was surprised too, but I guess it’s possible to kill two birds with one’s tone
I went to the doctors with hearing problemsThe doctor asked me to describe my symptoms so I say,
'Well Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair."
How will you scare bees?
Boo-bees!
It took a long time to figure out what that smell was coming from my car.
It was exhausting.
Did you hear that the midget psychic escaped?
There is a small medium at large.
I started a support group for people who talk to themselves.
We meet every day. Attendance is… complicated.
My friend told me he does not understand how cloning works
I said that makes 2 of us
I went to the doctors with hearing problems
They couldn't understand what I said
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