Silence is golden -- unless you have children.
Then, silence is suspicious.
The doctor told his patient that he was going to die soon because of Mercury in UranusThe patient said “I don’t believe in astrology”
The doctor said “Neither do I; my anal thermometer just broke in your backside”
What do you call karate for amputees ?
Partial arts
I was addicted to soap.
I'm clean now.
I hope Poland never changes their flag by removing the white part from it.
That would be a red flag.
True story my friend's teenager son actually asked me if I just thought of it on the spotMy friend's son who's 15 is staying with us. My son in grade 4 asked me what translucent meant.
I said, "I'm trying to remember but it's not completely clear."
And the 15yo was genuinely impressed.
Keep forging on, friend's. There's a world of people just waiting for your lame one-liners
What happens if you pave your own driveway, and it doesn’t come out well?
It’s your own asphalt!
I drink a lot of coffee
It's how I espresso myself
Did you hear the rumour about butter?
Well I'm not going to go spreading it.
I had a scheme where only the old people were going to win at the olympics
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for all those medaling kids
I ordered a vault and a speaker off Amazon...
they arrived safe and sound.
What do you call a good, corny joke?
A maize zing.
This soup recipe calls for "5 potatoes cubed".
Maybe it's just me, but 125 potatoes seems excessive.
I just found out Al Gore is a great dancer.
It’s all in his Al Gore rhythm.
Did you hear about the 2 thieves who stole a calendar
they each got 6 months
Why does Alpha-Bits only contain letters?
They didn’t want cereal numbers to appear on the box
How do you get out of an elephant’s stomach?
You run around until you’re pooped.
I worked under a professor who did research on spider reproduction. I had to count potential offspring and she was very demanding.
I had to know egg sacked number.
Someone told me my clothes were gay.
I said: "Yeah they came out of the closet this morning."
The school keeps calling to tell me about my son’s incessant lying…
The kid must be good because I don’t even have a son!
[A golf/chemistry dad joke] What do you call a bunker club made of lead and smeared with jelly?
A Pb & J sand wedge.
Cars are getting very advanced nowadays.
This morning I was reversing and it played a video of a man being run over.
True story, just happened…
I was making Indian food for dinner and my son came in the kitchen and asked, “Can I grab a naan?” I said, “yes, but you can’t eat it yet because then it would a naan-starter!” He just looked at me and asked, “is this rule naan-negotiable?”
What’s a stalker and a Pokémon nerd got in common?
They both hide in the bushes trying to get a Pikachu.
Why did the priest go to the protest?
He was exorcising his rites
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