I introduced my 8 year old to Toby Maguire's Spider man last night. She hit me with this:Dad, I know how Peter Parker takes the pictures of SpiderMan.
He uses his webcam!
#ProudDad
I've seen a lot of web designer puns but even searching the subreddit I didn't see any webcams in the first few pages.
There was once an emperor who never aged past 19.
His name was Constant Teen.
A man wanted to share a word at a colleague's funeral. He strode to the mic and said, "Bargain."
The grieving widow said, "Thank-you, that means a great deal."
My friend sleeps on piles of old magazines.
He has back issues
My daughter brought her new boyfriend over to meet me yesterday...
He stuck out his hand and said, "Hi sir, I'm David. Nice to meet you.
"I took a step closer and asked, "David, are you nervous?"
He swallowed hard and said, "No, not at all."
So I grabbed his hand, looked him dead in the eye, and said, "Then why are you shaking?"
Ron was a real team player...And after Ron was cremated, his baseball buddies decided his ashes belonged in the team’s trophy case. They bought a beautiful urn and held a small ceremony at the ballpark, where they took turns saying a few words of thanks and praise.
Unfortunately, they held the ceremony during batting practice. One wild pitch knocked the urn off the table, scattering his ashes all over the infield.
The scorekeeper looked over, shook his head, and sighed:
“Well, I guess that’s an unurned Ron.”
A woman woke up from a 6-month coma and asked the doctor about her baby...
The doctor said, "You had twins, a boy and a girl! They're doing great. Since you were unconscious, your brother named them for you."
The woman panicked. "Oh no, not my brother! He’s an absolute idiot! What did he name the girl?"
"Denise," the doctor replied.
The woman paused. "Oh, wow... Denise is actually a lovely name! What did he name the boy?"
The doctor sighed deeply. "Denephew."
The French customs officer confiscated my crate of snails
Now I have less cargo.
I have an addiction to seaweed…
I am going to seek kelp.
A guy goes to the doctor and says, “I keep seeing a werewolf, with big sharp teeth.”The doctor says, “Have you seen a psychiatrist?”
The guy says, “No, just a werewolf.”
You should always be on the lookout for members of the Spanish Habsburg dynasty when eating a sandwich.
They are inbred.
I accidentally swallowed invisible ink.
I'm in hospital waiting to be seen.
I asked my friend who lives in Pyongyang what life is like in North Korea
He said “I can’t complain”
I really don't like people on ladders...
They always look down on me.
"My sibling had a baby"Friend: "Boy or girl?"
Me: "Sister, boys can't have babies "
Breaking News!
Count Chocula, the StayPuft Marshmallow man, and the Teddy Grahams bear all perish in a fire. S'more at 11.
You're allowed a maximum of two visits to Spain.
The third is considered tres-passing.
A loving son is helping his mom pick out an outfit for her first date five years after his father died.
“Now look at that widowdresser.”
When Steve left Apple,
there were fewer jobs.
I really like this song about the dude throwing cheese around his house.
I think it was by Mike Oldfield and the title was "Cheddar On The Wall".
I complained at a restaurant last night. I said, "Hey, waiter, my soup is cold!" He said, it's Gazpacho."
I said, "Hey, Gazpacho... my soup is cold!"
Did you know some peppers burn vampires?
They're called Hallowed Peños.
I made a chicken salad today
It seems they prefer grain
Noah had been busy for weeks making his final preparations for the flood. The last details of the boat were complete and the animals were nearly finished with their march onto the boat.
As he stood there with his wife watching the strange but magnificent event the last of the animals finally boarded. He turned to his wife and with a sigh of relief said, "now I've herd everything"....
How do you neutralize a military base?
Put a military acid on it.
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