Rofkar Computer Sciences

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.

What starts with a W and ends with a T.
No really, it does!

I told my therapist that I got a gun because of my fear of birds.
He said I was getting carried way.

I chambered a round and said, "Not today, I'm not."

What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
They are both meat substitutes

What's the difference between black-eyed peas and chick peas?
Black-eyed peas can sing us a song, but chick peas can only hummus one.

My 12 year old son just made this up
My 12 year old to me:
Dad, every time I see a homeless guy now, he has a dog with him.
I tell the homeless guy he’s investing in the wrong Roof!

( I had to high five the little guy it was so bad!)

When it comes to farts, everyone knows of "loud and proud" and "silent but violent"...
But there is a turd option...

Getting a PHD so when I get something in the mail…
I can say “Ah, just what the doctor ordered!” every single time until I die.

If your name is Sarah
and you’re NOT telling people it’s short for “triceratops,” what are you even doing with your life?!

A panda walks into a pub...
.... goes to the bar and orders a pint from the slightly stunned barman.

"That'll be £7 please" says the barman, which the panda duly pays.

Once the panda has finished his drink he orders another. Again "that'll be £7 please", which the panda pays.

Another drink down the panda orders another. While pouring the pint the barman says,

"You know, we don't get many pandas in here" to which the panda replies

"I'm not surprised with these prices".

My family and I made this up in the hospital
Where does a cheese addict go to recover from their addiction?

Briehab

What do you call two men hanging from a window?
Curt 'n Rod.

I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159.
Then it just CLIX.

I opened up a deer cloning business...
my goal is to make a quick buck.

Did you hear about the farmer who couldn't get milk from a cow?
It was an udder failure

I got my vaccination for shingles today.
Just to be on the safe side, I also got one for vinyl siding as well.

Do you know what 50 Cent did when he was hungry?
58

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?"
"The doorbell repair man."

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey...
But then I turned myself around.

The Unhinged Client:
A therapist walks into the waiting room to greet a new client and finds a man standing there holding a full-sized house door. Trying to remain professional, she ushers them both into her office and asks what problems he has been experiencing.

"Oh, the therapy isn't for me," he replies. "It's for the door."

The therapist calmly asks why the door needs help, to which the man exclaims, "Are you blind? It's clearly unhinged!".

What's the highest religious festival in the Islamic Republic of Japan?
Ramendan.

A man went to his psychiatrist for a session.
The doctor sat down, tore out a page from his notes, drew some sheep on it, and told the patient to watch them so they didn't escape before leaving the office. A few minutes later, the patient took the doctor's pen, drew a fence around the sheep, and went home.

PSA: If you receive an email containing a video of bear attacks, do not open it!
It’s maul ware.

I've started writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes.
Right now it's only a draft, but it's going to take the world by storm!

I recently became a government whistleblower.
My boss at the national library service isn't happy, but I will not be shushed.