"Son, if you're thinking of getting married, consider this before you do. On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring."
"On the other hand, you don’t!"
Dad: When two people have sex, it's a twosome. When three people have sex, it's threesome
Son: Now I know why people call you handsome
When the nurse said she’d be back with my flu vaccine, I asked if I could have it with the lights off. She said, “Um… I’ll have to check if we’re allowed to do that.”
I said, “Thanks. I know it’s a shot in the dark.”
Funny how posts are still tagged NSFW
As if any of us still got jobs.
How warm is a baby at birth?I don’t know…
Womb temperature.
call my panties 9/11 ...
the way bush is behind it
You likely know what Murphy’s law is, but do you know Cole’s law?
It’s cabbage, carrots, mayonnaise, and salt all mixed together.
I had to break up with my girlfriend after she kept correcting my misuse of “it’s” to “its.”
She was just being way too possessive for me.
Son: "Dad, today I watched someone do 50 pushups, do you think could you do that?"
Dad: "of course son, don't want to brag but I could probably watch someone do 100 push-ups"
I go through a bottle of honey mustard almost every week, because it’s a combination of my two favorite things
bottles and honey mustard
Why are there no pain-killers in the jungle?
Parrots eat 'em all.
What do you call the security guards who work for Samsung?
The Guardians of the Galaxy
I have a bad habit of second guessing all the decisions I make.
[deleted]
You heard about the detective that has constipation?
No Shit Sherlock
Why didn't the chicken cross the road??
He was too alfredo!
Mick Jagger once tried to become a math teacher, but he didn’t last very long.
Apparently, he couldn’t get no stats or fractions.
A dad and son check into a hotel,and, after settling into their bedroom, immediately go to the guest workout room. The son picks up a dumbbell and starts doing wrist curls. “Dad,” asks the son, “do you want to workout forearms with me?”
Dad replies, “No thanks, two arms are enough for me.”
Neighbor kid came to look at my CD collectionNeighbor kid named Jimmy came to look at my CD collection. He tried to put one back but cracked the CD on it's case. It wasn't my favorite so it was fine.
Jimmy cracked Korn and I don't care.
My best jokes come to me early in the morning.
They always dawn on me.
My dad was a fisherman, so he did everything quickly
For him everything was a fish in sea
How would you get into a locked boat?
Use a quay.
I love pianos
They have the keys to my heart
I just found out that my father’s will says that if he’s ever hospitalized, I get to decide where he goes on the stretcher.
Apparently, that gives me power of a gurney.
Tory loved dogsTory loved dogs. He had several large breeds but he decided that he would get a smaller breed. He did a lot of research and decided that a Yorkshire Terrier would be perfect so he went to the local pet store, and after perusing several cute puppies, chose one little Yorkie as his own.
"I'll take this one," Tory said, proudly pointing to his pup of choice. "Here's your puppy," said the clerk, handing him the cute little canine. "And here's a box of poop bags."
Puzzled, Tory asked, "Why are you giving me a box of poop bags?"
The clerk replied..."Because, it comes with the terrier, Tory..."
Childbirth.
I asked the librarian if they had any books about childbirth. She said, "You'll find them over there in the C section."
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