Rofkar Computer Sciences

This just happened in real life, and I got MANY chuckles.
At Costco with the wife and kid. Kid sees a sample booth and asks what they’re offering...

Me: “it’s a hot dog!”

Wife: “it’s a European wiener”

Me: “you’re a peeing weiner”

I turn to the man offering the sample and say “get it?!?”

Nothing

Wife loses it, people next to me lose it, kid loses it and won’t stop repeating it. Good times had by all, ‘cept maybe for the sample guy.

To the guy who invented zero,
Thanks for nothing.

Did you hear about the Vietnamese bloke whose surname was "Smith"?
​

He was in a no-Nguyen situation

What type of flower makes the most mistakes?
Whoopsie Daisy

I was telling my buddies I was having a bad day.
My friend said “plethora”.

“Thanks”, I said, “that means a lot.”

*

My other friend said “earth”.

“Thanks”, I said, “that means the world to me.”

*

My other friend said “bargain”.

“Thanks”, I said, “that means a great deal.”

My wife asked me to be less irritating...
So I shaved my face.

My son talked back when I told him he couldn’t have any peanut butter.
“Don’t you get Skippy with me, young man!”

Tears were streaming down my face and I couldn’t get them to stop. So I ran to a nearby military base. “Are there any Marines here??” “No.” “Army?” “Nope.” “A Navy SEAL?” “Sorry.” “What about an Air Force pilot?” Finally, the administrator looked at me and said, “Sir… what is this about?”
I said, “Sorry… I just need a soldier to cry on.”

My son asked for a hershey's kiss
I said no, kissed him on the forehead, and said it was a he his kiss instead.

What are a chocolate bar's pronouns?
Her/she

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

Lava cake
We went out for dinner this evening and my son ordered a lava cake for dessert. When he took a scoop out of it his girlfriend asked if it was runny.

Before he could answer I told her: "no, it's just sitting on his plate"

Everyone chuckled, I'm so proud of myself :P

Proud moment with dessert
My girlfriend from the kitchen as she was preparing dessert: "We have custard. Do you want to pour the custard on yourself?"

"No, please pour it on the plate."

The ugh's in response were amazing.

What did the last surviving foot say after the end of the world?
I Am Leg-End

A famous singer once asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
After looking around for potential home improvements, I told him..."I want a curtain rod."

Daft bastard got me a curtain.

I haven’t been allowed back on a cruise ship
Ever since that whole ‘poop deck’ misunderstanding

I got fired from my last job because I kept asking customers if they preferred " smoking or non smoking....
The mortuary director said the proper terms wete "creamation" or " burial".

My friend Monty
My friend Montgomery loves Crisco. He thinks it's the best stuff to cook with. He buys cartons of it. Every month he takes inventory. It's the count of Monty's crisco.

A man walked into a seafood shack carrying a live salmon.
"Do you guys make fish cakes here?" he asked the server.

"Yes, we certainly do," the server replied with a smile.

"Great," the man said, setting the fish on the counter.

"It’s his birthday and I wanted to get him something special!"

What do Trees wear to go swimming?
Trunks

I dreamed I was floating in an ocean of orange soda pop
It was a fanta sea.

What did the egg say when it burped ?
Eggscuse me

My daughter's first teeth have fallen out
They used to be really good friends

[Meta] Please help this cafe with more bad coffee jokes
Our local coffee shop is celebrating its one year anniversary, and we have noticed that the sandwich board they put outside has the same joke on it for the past year. “Q: what do you call a cow that has just given birth? A: decaffeinated”

It’s a good joke. But it’s been a year. I’m calling upon all of you dads out there for help: I want to cultivate a list of new coffee related jokes that they can add to their sandwich board. I know the owner. I bet she’d be tickled.

So you have your call action! I look forward to seeing what this might produce. Thank you in advance!

My wife said, “Let’s go up to the salad bar.”
I replied, “Lettuce…”