I told my therapist that I'm afraid of letters...
She said, you are? And then I started screaming! She then said, oh I see and that's when I started screaming louder!
A teacher asks her class if they can use the word ‘contagious’ in a sentenceA girl raises her hand and says, “the flu is very contagious”.
“Very good”, the teacher replies, and then asks if anyone else can.
A boy raises his hand and says, “my neighbor was painting her house by herself, and my dad said it would take the contagious”
Did you know when you are clinically dead you continue to be able to see for about two minutes?
Because your pupils dilate.
I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159.
Then it just CLIX.
Where’s the worst place to hide in a hospital?
The I.C.U
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book
Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.
What’s the difference between light and hard?
It’s easier to fall asleep with a light on
A man had a heart attack at a bookstore and died because medical teams couldn't reach him in time.
He went to a Borders without Doctors
A baby was born mid flight.
She was airborne.
A notorious arsonist died recently.
His mum paid tribute by saying, “Wherever he went, he lit up a room.”
What fruit can only be eaten two at a time?
Pears
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I'll meet you at the corner!
Did you know that the expression “not a palindrome”
Is not a palindrome?
Just found out that the great Steffi Graf has a sister...
Her name is Polly. I'm not lying.
A pet food company is hiring an artist to draw a sketch of a dog for an adThey bring in all sorts of candidates, but all of them have something wrong with them. One candidate is clearly using AI, another artist draws dogs with cat ears, another guy only does quick sketches of Labradoodles on napkins, a fourth person can't draw at all, etc.
Eventually, the hiring committee is tired of interviewing and they ask their boss, "are any of these good enough?"
The boss reviews all the materials and shrugs, "I guess the Labradoodle doodle dude'll do"
When does a bad joke turn into a dad joke?When it becomes apparent.
yeah
How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?
He cuts holes in his pockets
How do you become a conductor?
You train
Did you hear about the Mexican railway engineer’s crazy reasons for committing crimes?
Everyone’s saying he had loco motives.
Why did the vacuum get thrown away?
Because it sucked
What kind of bird always stick together?
VELCROWS
I got a tattoo of a thermos on my arm.
Now I can tell my son, “Don’t touch the thermos tat!”
Why do vegans never get into fights?
They don't like the beef.
What happens when you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy?
You have a rash of good luck (I was just itching to tell someone.)
Home run derby pitchers get a lot of criticism for using those protection nets…
But they stand behind their decision.
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