I called the local theater to ask what time Melania was playing.
They asked me what time i could get there.
ONE spelling mistake can ruin your entire marriage.
I accidentally messaged my wife "I'm having a great time. I wish you were her”
What kind of rock will you never find in the Mississippi River?A dry one.
(I was sharing jokes with my 3rd grade class and one girl told me that. It legitimately took me by surprise.)
What did Delaware?
Maybe a New Jersey? I don’t know, but Alaska.
Why doesn't Istanbul have a king?
Because they... Can't stand a noble
What do you call a book club that’s been stuck on the same book for years?
Church
Why shouldn't you share secrets at the bank?
Because of all the tellers!
I turned down a job that would pay me with vegetables.
The celery was unacceptable.
I dated this stunning girl once. She was a communist, originally from from China, but I met her while working in Switzerland. We lived in Dennark first then moved to Turkey and went on holiday in Canada. Then she cheated on me. I was devastated, but I really should have known better
There had been a lot of red flags
Albert Einstein was a genius
But his brother Frank was a monster.
Germans must have short phone numbers
I asked this girl for her number and she told me "nine".
I went into the forest that makes you have multiple pronouns and accidentally touched some poison ivy.
Now I’m it/she
What do you call a kinky pasta?
A fetishini.
What do you call batman who skips church on sundays ?
Christian bale
How does Batman's mum call him in for dinner?
Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, Batman
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
mortal kombat was actually based of a scandinavian church song
it was a finnish hymn.
What did the Nanny Goat say to the Billy Goat?
You're kidding me!
My wife said that she wants to go to Ecuador to try a carb-free diet
I told her to try Quito
I inquired about an ad for a used ladder. It was $300 for 32'
I told him that's way too high!
Some guys were arguing next to my car. Me, “Hey you’re gonna have a problem if you touch my car. They both reached over and touched it.
I said, “One side of a rectangle is 3 inches shorter than the other side. If we increase the length of each side by 1 inch, the area of the rectangle increases by 18 square inches. Find the lengths of all sides.”
What do you get when you rub two oranges together?
Pulp friction
What do you call a lizard that can’t reproduce?
A reptile dysfunction.
My son was complaining about being cold so I told him to go stand in the corner. He asked why, so I told him…
It’s 90 degrees.
A: is haggis nice?
B: it’s offal.
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