My son hit me with a Dad Joke so strong I had to sit down.So I’m making breakfast this morning and I ask my son,
“Want scrambled or fried?”
He looks me dead in the eye and says:
“Whichever one is egg‑cellent, father.”
Our town legalized pot but banned alcohol.Our town legalized pot but banned alcohol.
Residents are left high and dry.
Adam and Eve
were the first humans to ignore Apple’s terms and conditions.
Why vampires don't cause unwanted pregnancies?
Because they can't come inside uninvited!
My wife and I were arguing over the term for a medieval soldier.
It was getting late though so we called it a knight.
If Wonder Woman married Howard Hughes, divorced him and then married Henry Kissinger,
If Wonder Woman married Howard Hughes, divorced him and then married Henry Kissinger, she would be Wonder Hughes Kissinger now.
A friend of mine told me that he can throw a frisbee 100 yards and his dog can go get it and bring it back.
I told him that's pretty far fetched but ok....
An Apple, an Orange, and a Strawberry were best friends and after being in the orchard all day they were in the habit of going to a nearby bar for a few drinks. This caused marital discord with the Strawberry and his wife left him.For several months following, whenever they went to the bar, the Strawberry would weep uncontrollably. The bartender (a Banana) would serve them until they were done and then they’d leave.
Finally, one day the Orange asked the Banana, “What is it with the Strawberry? I get it that he’s sad, but it’s been months now - get over it!”
The bartender leaned in and whispered, “Don't you know?Strawberry feels forever…”
Listen up: I want to become the Invisible Man, but I will NOT use my powers to spy on people
I just want to make myself perfectly clear.
A heavy equipment manufacturer decides to no longer use Anthropic as an AI provider
Is that the same as getting the CAT de-Claude?
Who tells God if you break one of the Ten Commandments?
The Narc of the Covenant
I’ve finally reached the stage of fatherhood where my kids sigh before I even speak.I opened my mouth today and my son just said,
“Don’t. Whatever it is… don’t.”
I hadn’t even thought of a joke yet.
So now I need new material strong enough to break their spirits again.
In conversation with a guy I met, he was kind of secretive about his work, saying only that it was strictly underground
Turns out he’s in culvert operations.
What happens if someone slaps you at high frequency?
It hertz.
What happens if you slide down a grassy hill in Spain?
You get a gracias.
What dinosaur is British?
An Allo-saurus.
I tried to find covered parking for my car but I couldn't afford it
It's a lot
Looking for office helpA local business owner was looking for office help.
The owner put a sign in the window that read: “Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer.”
A short time later, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and went inside.
After going inside, the dog looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then he walked over to the sign, looked at it, and whined. The receptionist got the idea and told the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so the manager led the dog into his office.
Inside, the dog jumped up onto a chair and started patiently staring at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says that you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, walked over to a computer and typed out a perfect letter and then signed his name. The manager was stunned but then told the dog, “I still can’t hire you. The sign says that you have to be good with computers too.” The dog then went over to the computer and typed up a program that ran perfectly on the first test.
By now, the manager was totally dumbfounded and said to the dog, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and you have some interesting skills. However, I still can’t give you the job.”
The dog jumped down and walked over to the sign and put his paw on the part where it said ‘equal opportunity employer’.
The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”
The dog calmly looked up at the manager and said, “Meow.”
My dad was working underneath his project car, when he felt a sharp pain radiating from the left side of his body. He was able to get himself out from under the car and just as he did, one of the jacks collapsed and the pain went away.
It was a stroke of good luck.
True story - My funny Uncle used to work at a Circuit City in the appliances department.A customer comes in and sees a refrigerator that they liked. Seeing the price on the top of the fridge the customer would ask if he could lower the price. The price tag was on a magnet so my Uncle would pull it off the fridge and move it about 3 feet downward.
Looking at the customer he would say, “sure thing - is that low enough?!”
Love you Uncle Bob!!
Knock knock.
I want to hear your best answers!
What did the bra say to the hat?
"You go on ahead, and I will give these two a lift."
What did the policeman say to the criminal who hid in a laundry basket?
"You're under a vest!".
People here think my dad jokes are childish. Which is crazy!
They are obviously full groan.
Did you know?
Adam and Eve were the first humans to ever skip the Apple terms and conditions.
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