I burned my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature
A man walked into a bar
He put a Sony Walkman from Japan on the bar. Then he put a blaupunkt car stereo from Germany on the bar. Then he put a Bang & Olufsen hifi from Denmark on the bar. Then he put a generic branded boom box from China on the bar.
The barman said to him " Sorry, we don't allow jokes based on stereo-types from different countries in here"
My wife got me good…
Was making chicken salad in the kitchen, I jumped in to slice grapes in half and my wife, who was tired of chopping all the food said, “I grapely appreciate the help”! Haha I could be more proud. :’)
This weekend, we were barbecuing in the backyard. My wife called out through kitchen window, "Honey, would you please flip the sausages so that they don't burn?"
I said, "Don't worry, the wurst is over".
What do you call someone who is 10% asian?
Slight-lee
People don't often daydream about railway systems.
It's too easy to lose your train of thought.
I took my car in for a service yesterday.
It's still stuck in the church doorway.
Why was the mermaid wearing seashells?
The B shells were too small.
Look man i only have 4 bombs. Ill even open my bag and show you.
See? 4.
Lions would never drive drunk.
But a Tiger Wood.
Why did the man with glaucoma fall down the well?
He couldn’t see that well
A dog walks up to a bar and tells the bartender “give me three shots of whiskey”
the bartender asks “had a rough day?”
Why did the Easter egg hide?
Because He was a little chicken.
I just heard a really scary joke about Math.
But I'm 2² to repeat it.
2 deers walk out of gay bar
One deer says to the other “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there
What did the retired pirate say?
'I'm too old for this ship!'
What’s the lowest car in the world?
A limbosine
I make about 6 figures a day
But I work in a toy factory, and I fear I will not survive the performance review.
I submitted 10 puns to a joke competition hoping one would win
No pun in ten did
Why did the cow go to the cinema?To see Mooana!
My son came up with this variant. You're welcome!
Do you have any suggestions where I could apply for a job?
How about the local Search & Rescue team? They're always looking for someone.
I wanted to tell you a joke about a three legged horse.
But it is lame.
When the principal said he was going to show me what “board of education” really means…
I said, “I already know…why do you think I was sleeping in class?”
How did the minimum-wage railroad employee survive a lightning strike?
He was a poor conductor.
What do you call a singer-songwriter who also does stand up comedy?
Amuse-ician!
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