James VanDerBeek
There’s been a lot of celebrity deaths lately and usually it’s a good idea to hold off for a while before making any jokes. But with James VanDerBeek, I don’t wanna wait
I asked my wife what time the gym she goes to closesWife: 10pm on a week night.
Me: OK. And what about on a strong night?
How do you get 100 math teachers into a room that only fits 99?
You carry the 1.
Why aren't there more mom jokes?
Because she already told them once and she's not repeating herself.
A duck waddled into a barafter climbing on to the stool, the bar tender approached and asked him what he needed. The duck asked "do you have any duck food?"
The bartender angrily said "this is a human bar, we don't have any duck food, and we don't serve ducks. I'm gonna need you to leave and not come back."
The next day the duck returns, climbs up to the bar and asks if they "have any duck food?" One again, the bartender angrily told him "no" and to immediately leave and not come back.
The duck returned the next day, and the day after that, asking the same question.
Finally, the bartender, ready to kill the duck, tells him if he returned 1 more time, "I'm going to nail your stupid little webbed feet to the floor!"
The duck left.
To everyone's surprise, the duck waddled in the next day, climbed up to the bar as the bartender, losing his shit, approached. The duck calmly asked "do you have any nails?" The bartender, looking confused, said "of course not, this is a bar." So the duck replied ..
"Do you have any duck food? "
What has 13 hearts but no organs?
A deck of cards 😄
Did you hear about the dictator who walked into a bar?
He ordered everyone around.
Knock knock. Who's there? Yoda LadyYoda Lady who?
Are we in the Alps?
Recently heard Satan had gotten fired from the shoe store..
They complained that he kept stealing soles!
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....
.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized
I don't know why everybody dislikes vegans.
Personally I have never had a beef with them
Why did the transgender man only eat salad?
Because he was a her before.
The oldest computer was an Apple owned by Adam and Eve
It had extremely limited memory only one byte, and then everything crashed.
A man is starving in the desert when he sees a bacon tree in the distance.When he makes it over to the tree, a robber steps out and points a gun at him.
The man says, "whoa, I just wanted some of the bacon from the bacon tree!"
The robber grunts and says, "This ain't no bacon tree. This is a hambush!"
Comic Sans and Times New Roman walk into a bar
The bartender says 'We don't serve your type here'
My father was a cojoined twinwe used to refer to his brother as my uncle on my father's side.
they were surgically separated
now he's my uncle once removed
Can you believe someone stole my mood ring?
I just don’t know how to feel about it.
What do you call a soldier having a wank during battle?
Tug of war.
Tony said to not say his name backward
I just said “y not?”
My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus.
Not only was I shocked, but I was appalled, aghast, and dismayed.
"Muffins" spelled backward...
is what you do when you take em out of the oven.
I quit drugs for good
Finally I can take them for evil
I accidentally drank invisible ink...
... now I'm in the hospital waiting to be seen.
What do you call an alligator that uses GPS?
A navigator.
My daughter wasn't feeling well so she asked me how her voice sounded. I said it sounds pony. She's like what's pony? I said...
Pony is a little horse... I will show myself out...
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