I posted my resume on LinkedIn Park...Applied so hard and got so far
But in the end I wasn't even hired
My wife gave birth today. After thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and asked “How soon can we have sex?”He glanced at his watch, winked, and said,
“I’m off in ten minutes. Meet me in the parking lot.”
The government just shut down a farm after receiving a tip that they were splicing human and lettuce DNA...
Once on the scene they found human romaines!
To be frank,
I'll have to change my name.
I found out last night that Albert Einstein was a real person.
I was quite surprised, because I always thought that he was a theoretical physicist.
I found out why Teslas are so expensive.
It's because they charge a lot.
Yesterday I found a forgotten wallet. I wondered what Jesus would have done.
I turned it into wine.
How big is the average fence?
Around a yard.
A Mexican Magician tells his audience he will disappear before they can count to three.
The crowd starts, “Uno! Dos!… and poof, he disappeared without a tres.
I accidentally drank holy water with my laxative
I’m about to start a religious movement.
How does Dolly Parton keep her swimming pool clean?
Chlorine,chlorine,chlorine,chlorineeeeen
Why are the Dallas Cowboys America's team?
They're at home watching the superbowl just like all Americans.
What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-na!
I was trying to find impostor in the dictionary.
It was next to impossible.
This morning, I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop
I think I must be coming down with a chess infection.
How do you comfort a kid who's afraid people are stalking him?
They're there...
I stole a rabbit today.
Then I had to make a run for it.
What's the best kind of triangle to ask on a date
acute triangle
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving *twice*.
What do French people call a really bad Thursday?
A trajeudi.
Some days I walk into the office and go directly for the bathroom
I'm not always ready for this shit
Did you hear about the eraser factory break-in this afternoon?
They’re calling it daylight rubbery
Sadly, the inventor of the throat lozenge has died.There will be no coffin at his funeral.
I will see myself out
The mopedAn old man on a moped pulls up to a stoplight next to a doctor in a sleek, shiny car.
“What kind of car ya got there, sonny?” the old man asks.
The doctor replies, “It’s a Ferrari. Cost me half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” the old man says. “Why so expensive?”
“Because it can go up to 220 miles an hour,” the doctor says proudly.
“Wow, mind if I take a look inside?” the old man asks.
“No problem,” the doctor says. The old man peers in the window, looks around, then sits back on his moped. “Real nice car… but I’ll stick with my moped.”
Just then the light turns green, and the doctor decides to show off what his car can do. He floors it, hitting 150 in seconds. Then he notices a dot in his rearview mirror. It seems to be getting closer. Suddenly, WHOOOSH, something blasts past him.
He slows, then speeds up faster. Up ahead, he realizes it’s the old man on the moped. Amazed, the doctor punches it to 200 and passes him again, only to see the moped closing in once more.
Now the Ferrari is flat out at 220. There’s nothing more he can do. Seconds later, the moped slams into the back of the Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. Unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
The doctor jumps out and rushes over. “I’m a doctor! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man, pale and out of breath, whispers, “Yeah… could you unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror?”
Why can't people with bladder issues print documents?
They can't control pee.
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