The cast of Friends once got stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean. No one knew how to get back to shore, except for the actress that played Pheobe
Lisa Kudrow
Two guys are walking down the street and come upon a dog licking his balls. One guy says to the other, "I wish I could do that"
The other guy replies, "I'd pet him first"
What's the worst part about having a girlfriend on Valentines day?
She spends the day with her husband
why did the mexican take anti-anxiety medications
for hispanic attacks
Do you know what a reverse exorcism is?
It's when the devil tells the priest to get out of the boy
I asked a German girl for her number, but I’m still waiting for the rest of the digits
So far, I only have “nine”
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer
For Valentine's Day, I asked my Valentines to dress up as a nurse.
At last, I got to fulfil my fantasy of having access to healthcare.
What did the comedian say to the pizzaman?
Hey, nice delivery!
Did you hear about the cheese factory that got blown up?
Da Brie was everywhere.
Grandmas legacyA dying grandma told her grandson, “I’m leaving you my farm. That includes the barn, the livestock, the harvester, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash.”
Her grandson, absolutely floored, said, “Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?”
With her last breath, grandma whispered, “Facebook.”
I’ve been trying to come up with some motown puns.
I have ummm one… two… three… four tops.
Woo! I had a date this valentine!
I really enjoyed it. I might try a fig next week.
I can’t believe someone stole my limbo stick..
I mean.. how low can you go.
Your duck is dead!A woman brings a duck to the vet. The vet says "your duck is dead". The woman says "are you sure?"
Vet: "Yes". Woman: "How can you be sure you've done no tests?".
The vet brings in a Labrador retriever which sniffs the duck and shakes its head. Next, a cat sniffs the duck and shakes its head. Vet says "sorry, but as I said your duck is dead".
Vet hands woman a bill. She cries, "$820 to tell me my duck is dead!". Vet says "if you had taken my word for it, the bill would be $20, but Lab Reports and Cat Scans cost extra".
Its Valentine's Day!...I want my girlfriend to be swept off her feet and transported to the tropics...
...so I reported her to ICE.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boob implants?
Ones a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean
This Mexican magician told me he'd disappear on the count of three, uno, dos...
Then he disappeared without a tres.
Which actor always overcooks his seafood?
Laurence Fish Burn.
Never use Beef casserole as you computer password
It's not stroganoff
Guy decides to convert to Christianity. He studies hard and meets with a priest to see if he is ready.The priest says, “Let’s start with the basics, where was Jesus born?”
“Pittsburgh!” The guy answers.
“No! What are you talking about? Try again.” The priest replies.
The guy think for a moment and says “Philadelphia?”
The priest shakes his head and says “Bethlehem. Jesus was born in Bethlehem.”
The guys says “I knew it was a city in Pennsylvania!”
What is the purpose of your big toe?
It's to find furniture at 5 o'clock in the morning.
I fell through the floorboards during the school play.
I guess it was just a stage I was going through.
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