TIFU by accidentally not boarding the right sea vessel in the Navy
Shit, wrong sub
My daughter was doing history homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo
I said he was just a poor boy from a poor family.
I went on a date the other day with a woman who works at the zoo and I tell you....
....she's a keeper
When I asked my friend, who works in IT, “How do you make a motherboard?”, he explained...
“I usually tell her about my job.”
Hoover Dam PSA
Not a joke, but just returned from the Hoover Dam tour with my son, and it was endless Dad jokes like on National Lampoon's Vacation.
"Take all the dam pictures you want", "Let's get in the dam elevator", "Should we get a drink from the dam water fountain",etc.
Endless opportunities!
Do you want to see The Odyssey?You Odyssey deez nuts!
I’ve been dropping this joke to my friends over text asking if they want to see the Odyssey and then when they say yes giving this as a reply.
It’s the dumbest joke and has absolutely started off my weekend on an amazing vibe.
Where did Benedict Arnold shop for his groceries?
Traitor Joe’s.
My half brother and I
aren’t allowed to play with chainsaws anymore
Hey I saw this chicken at the gym...
....it was working on it's pecs
The guy who stole my diary died yesterday.
My thoughts are with his family.
What is it called when a chameleon can't change colour?
A reptile dysfunction
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
I grill the best sausages…
Find the link in the comments.
(My 19 yo daughter just made this up and I’m so proud!) How can you tell if you are having dinner with a termite?
They order the house salad.
Why are there so few comics who do stand-up over Zoom?
They’re not even remotely funny.
Why don’t skeletons ever have sex?
Because they don’t have the guts… but they still get boned every night.
My grandfather worked as an elevator repairman for over 30 years. I thought of doing the same thing and asked him if he enjoyed it.
He said “It had its ups and downs. Some days someone was always pressing your buttons but overall it was an uplifting job.”
Do you have any sauerkraut?
Well, I can find some Germans, but I can’t guarantee their disposition.
I won an award for most modest person.
But I don't think I can accept.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware
I Hate McDonald’s…
They’re my arch nemesis!
Why is my friend Chris U going to heaven?
Because he follows Chris T
Mountains are not funny
They are hill areas
To the guy who stole my anti-depressants
I hope you’re happy now.
What do you call birds that stick together?
Velcrows
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