When my twins were being delivered, my daughter was born at 5 to midnight, but my son didn’t follow right away.
The Dr. said “Don’t worry, the son’ll come out, tomorrow.”
What’s a ghost’s favorite type of sex?
Boo-ty calls.
Why does Tiger Woods wear two condoms?
In case he gets a hole in one
The average person is really
mean
At 16, I was promoted to shift manager at Arby’s. My dad knocked me down a peg, saying, “Oh yeah? My first job, I STARTED with over 500 people below me!” So I asked him what job that was…
“Mowing the lawn at the cemetery.”
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar.
Batman follows them in.
What do you call a caveman who doesn't know where he going?
Meanderthal
I feel bad for Greek vegans.
They'll never meat their gyros.
To the person who stole my copy of Overcoming Insomnia
How do you sleep at night?
Why is Santa so jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live.
Why did the baby habanero put on a jacket?
It was a little chilli.
Local authorities have decided not to dig deeper into embezzlement claims at a local bait shop!
The reason, they were afraid they might be opening a can of worms.
Im about to tell you the 10th and 11th letters of the alphabet.
Jk
I just had an argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public and she won, so today...
...I’m wearing pants to take her to school.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It gets toad away.
I've bought all my pet rabbits from the same breeder.
He's my primary hare provider.
Why don't ghosts tell dad jokes?
They're scared the others ghosts will boo them.
What lives underwater, blows up planets but can't hear anything?
A deaf star fish.
Heard a great Dad joke at DisneylandSon: Are we going to Tomorrowland today?
Dad: No, we are going tomorrow. It's not called Todayland.
Who led the Jewish people across a semi permeable membrane?
Os-Moses.
What do you call an Asian Dwayne Johnson?
The Wok.
Albert Einstein married his first cousin
Even his marriage was relative
While out for a hike, I was surprised to find a Subaru SUV in the woods
I guess I couldn't see the Forester for the trees
A quantum physicist walks into a bar
There is no bar.
What do you call a martial arts discipline developed by giant apes?
Kong fu
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