I bought a Russian advent calendar.
Every time you open a window, an oligarch falls out.
Why is South Korea the only country that will get into heaven?
It’s the only country with a Seoul!
What STD do Jedi's catch?
Sithilis
A guy calls a handyman in a panic: "Help! My front doorknob has been stolen! I can't get in my own home!"
The handyman replies: "Don't worry, I'll handle it."
Which pizza place only serves pizza with small fish on it?
Domminnows
I saw “chicken tongue” on the breakfast menu and thought, “Disgusting! Why would anyone ever eat something that came out of a chicken’s mouth??”
So I got some eggs
Pirates are some of the horniest people on the planet.
They're always talking about chests and booties.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"Y"Know one would had been enough 😂
My grandfather complained that my generation relies too much on technology,
so I unplugged his life support
I told my coworkers I was going to start a band called "1023MB"
we havent gotten a gig yet.
Asked a date if she wanted to go see an outdoor comedy show...
She said she only likes inside jokes.
One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window, turned to his wife and said…“It’s going to rain.”
His wife asked, “How do you know?”
“Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear”
Captain Kirk has three ears
A left ear A right ear ... and a final frontier.
What's Jesus's favorite dessert?
An Easter Sundae.
What brass instrument can be made out of wood?
A tuba-four.
I have the memory of a goldfish.
I think I saw it in a tank, it was a nice memory nonetheless!
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo
So I had to put my foot down!
How do blind people write their name in the snow?
Braille of course.
What do you call someone who loves Indian spices?
A cumin being!
I tried to get my girlfriend to go swimming with my Polar Bear Club.
It didn’t work out well; she ended up getting cold feet.
What do you call a wreath made of $100 dollar bills?
Aretha franklins.
For a bit of fun, I’m making a chart of my past girlfriends.
I have an ‘ex’-axis and a ‘why?’-axis
I just ordered the best Indian dish in the history of the world.
It was the goat.
What do you call Tom Hanks when he's constipated?
Forced Dump.
What is Daphne's favorite horror movie?
JEEPERS! Creepers.
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