Pagliachi feels a lot of pain when he sits down, and he's worried he has hemorrhoidsHe goes to the hospital, and the attendant says
'Please state your medical request and your name'
He replies
'Butt doctor, I am Pagliachi'
My friend asked me to help round up his 37 sheep.
I said “40”.
Time for some knock knock jokes...Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t work, can you let me in?
----
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the peep hole and find out.
----
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Anita.
Anita who?
Anita use the bathroom, please open the door!
----
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t opened so I knocked.
----
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice joke get any worse?
My grandfather got his tongue shot off in the war.
But he never talked about it.
I should never have exposed myself in the elevator.
It was wrong on so many levels.
What kind of doctor was Dr Pepper?
He was a Fizzician.
Doctor: “Do you want the good news or the bad news?” Me: “Good news.”
Doctor: “You’ll be able to park wherever you want.”
my ADHD is so severe...
it's AD8K
Why wasn’t the devil afraid of balding?
Because there will be hell toupee
A limbo champion walked into a bar
He lost
Bond, James Bond.
What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath?
Bubble 07.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles
My next trip to the toilet could spell disaster.
There's no point trying to change tautology...
It is what it is.
I got my mom a massive jar of Jelly Belly's for Mother's Day. It was going to be a surprise.
But someone spilled the beans.
Two children decided to give their mom a real treat for Mother’s Day.They told her to stay in bed and relax while they handled everything. As she lay there, she could hear the sizzle of bacon and the smell of coffee drifting up from the kitchen. She felt so loved and pampered, imagining the beautiful breakfast they were preparing.
After waiting for over an hour, she finally heard footsteps. The kids burst into the room, both holding their own plates full of pancakes, eggs, and bacon.
"Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!" they shouted. "We decided to make our own breakfast so you wouldn't have to cook for us today!"
A woman passed out on a carousel...
She's coming around.
I bought an encyclopedia of Canada.
Now, I'll be fully educated from Eh to Z.
"Why do you have a javelin in your herb garden?"
"I want to grow spearmint."
A bloke down the pub told me his mate Jack was the inventor of hot tubs.
I said “Jack, who’s he
I dropped my cactus the other day…
Worst part is...I caught it.
My blind wife left me. I am heartbroken.
At least she isn’t seeing anyone else.
A man with a stutter died in prison.
Before he could even finish his sentence
Aang the air bender gained a new power when he became a monk
He turned into an Air Friar
I asked my wife is she wanted to go out to dinner tomorrow and she said yes.
I'm pretty excited to have the apartment to myself for the evening
I once asked a tree...I once asked a tree on my property what he thought would happen when i needed wood to build my house ...
He was stumped!
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