Two guys are walking down the street and come upon a dog licking his balls. One guy says to the other, "I wish I could do that"
The other guy replies, "I'd pet him first"
why did the mexican take anti-anxiety medications
for hispanic attacks
The cast of Friends once got stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean. No one knew how to get back to shore, except for the actress that played Pheobe
Lisa Kudrow
Do you know what a reverse exorcism is?
It's when the devil tells the priest to get out of the boy
I asked a German girl for her number, but I’m still waiting for the rest of the digits
So far, I only have “nine”
For Valentine's Day, I asked my Valentines to dress up as a nurse.
At last, I got to fulfil my fantasy of having access to healthcare.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer
Did you hear about the cheese factory that got blown up?
Da Brie was everywhere.
Your duck is dead!A woman brings a duck to the vet. The vet says "your duck is dead". The woman says "are you sure?"
Vet: "Yes". Woman: "How can you be sure you've done no tests?".
The vet brings in a Labrador retriever which sniffs the duck and shakes its head. Next, a cat sniffs the duck and shakes its head. Vet says "sorry, but as I said your duck is dead".
Vet hands woman a bill. She cries, "$820 to tell me my duck is dead!". Vet says "if you had taken my word for it, the bill would be $20, but Lab Reports and Cat Scans cost extra".
Its Valentine's Day!...I want my girlfriend to be swept off her feet and transported to the tropics...
...so I reported her to ICE.
I can’t believe someone stole my limbo stick..
I mean.. how low can you go.
Woo! I had a date this valentine!
I really enjoyed it. I might try a fig next week.
Never use Beef casserole as you computer password
It's not stroganoff
Guy decides to convert to Christianity. He studies hard and meets with a priest to see if he is ready.The priest says, “Let’s start with the basics, where was Jesus born?”
“Pittsburgh!” The guy answers.
“No! What are you talking about? Try again.” The priest replies.
The guy think for a moment and says “Philadelphia?”
The priest shakes his head and says “Bethlehem. Jesus was born in Bethlehem.”
The guys says “I knew it was a city in Pennsylvania!”
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boob implants?
Ones a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean
Why do you only ever see teenage girls in groups of 3, 5 or 7?
Because they can't even...
I grilled a chicken for three hours
It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.
My GF said she wanted a green for Valentines. Sent over a quart of pickles. Nice of me.
It’s no big dill.
What did the shitake say to the porcini?
Move over… I don’t have mush room.
Did you guys know that Karl Marx had a less famous sister named Onya?
She invented the starting pistol
Why was the broom late for class?
It overswept.
What is the purpose of your big toe?
It's to find furniture at 5 o'clock in the morning.
Did you hear about the new muppets they introduced that work at a crematorium?
Burnt and Urny
How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?How many?
Wanna ride bikes?
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