My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back.Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.
She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday.
I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times.
So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money.
A couple of hours later, I get a call from the jailhouse, it was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money.
I told her “so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!”
My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing…
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
I'm going to a gender reveal party.
But apparently I still have to wear pants.
My reverse vasectomy was way more painful than the original surgery.
There was a vas deferens between the two.
A man went into a building he'd never been to before to find a book, all he found were books on genital anatomy.
No one told him it was a pubic library.
A guy approaches his doctor panicking, saying “You have to help me! I think I’m shrinking!”
The doctor said, “Settle down. You just have to learn to be a little patient.”
I dated a girl who insisted we tear apart my Disney Pixar DVDs.
We eventually split Up.
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans!
Were all of President Theodore Roosevelt's speeches, by definition...
TED Talks?
What's the sharpest thing in the world?
A fart. It rips right through your pants without even making a hole!
What’s the difference between a cheap guy at a restaurant and a worker packaging silicone breast implants?
One’s a shitty tipper……
I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks.
It was about time.
How do flat earthers travel?
On a plane.
The best part about a bad haircut is...
That you know it will grow on you.
Called the Wildlife Hotline.
Was told to push 3 for Bird life, push 4 for Fish life, or hold on for Deer life.
A perfectionist walks into a bar and immediately turns around and leaves.
Apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.
Yesterday, I couldn’t tell if someone was waving at me or the person behind me.
On an unrelated note, I lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.
What's the difference between an elephant's bum and a post box?
If you don't know I will be posting my own letters.
I used to be a game developer
Then I discovered my dislike for pheasant
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre
When Aphrodite sprawls out bare-ass naked in a giant clam shell she’s a “goddess.”
But when I do do I’m a “drunk” and no longer welcome at the aquarium
If Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were both killed by a rampaging ostrich...
...would that be a case of killing two Stones with one bird?
My gun fell in love with me
Call that a smitten wesson.
My friend Jay just had twin daughters and wanted to name them after himself.
I suggested Kaye and Elle
Me: “My late wife would love this restaurant.”Hostess: “I’m sorry, how long has she been dead?”
Me: “Not dead. Just late, like always.”
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