In Star Wars Chewbacca is called chewy; Jabba the Hut is called Jabba. What is Luke Skywalker short for?
A stormtrooper
A man walks into a bar with his dog and asks for a drink, but the bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!"The guy, without missing a beat, says. "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "I'm sorry! Here, the first one's on me."
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua.
The first guys sees him, stops him and says, "You can't bring dogs in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar.
When he asks for a drink, the bartender says, "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The man replies, "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. Chihuahuas aren't seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
Mountains aren't funny
They're hill areas
I had an argument with someone at the bar the other night who claimed that he was a big Pop star in the 80s.
I didn't believe him but he was very adamant.
A neurologist was diagnosing a man who had lost the ability to do basic math. "What's 9 plus 9?" "12". "What's 8 and 8?" "10". The doctor shook his head. "Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?" The man thought for a second and answered "1E".
"Aha, I've figured it out!" The doctor said. "Somebody's clearly put a hex on you."
My daughter bested me.We were a couple of towns over driving to her next away softball game. She's 10, and plays in junior league girls softball.
We pass by one of the older 70's/80's McDonald's with the outdoor playplace, with all the characters. She recognized Ronald, but that was it. She didn't know the others even existed, so I started explaining who everyone else was the best I could remember.
When I'm finished, she looks at me with a straight face and says; "Do you think Mayor McCheese had a 'beef' with the Hamburgler"?
Dammit kid. All these years, that one was right there. How did I not see it?
My vegan friend told me "that chicken you're eating had a family!"
I said "that's why I ordered the family bucket - nobody gets left behind."
What generation was Forrest Gump's son?
Gen-A.
Big Win
Got my 5year old a McDonalds shake. He said it’s a liquid, but it’s really thick. I told him it’s a thiquid. He told me why I was wrong and then said “Good one, Dad.” Top 3 Dad moments.
Ghost hunter.
What kind of pants does a ghost hunter wear?
Just paranormal jeans.
Why did the little boy throw the clock out the window?
He was a jerk
How far can a dog run into the forest?
Half way through. After that it will be running out of the forest.
A blind salesman comes to the door, what is he selling?
He sells Blinds. He's a blind salesman.
When I forgot the name of that flying mammal, my daughter helped me remember.
She really went to bat for me.
Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have one pair of trunks.
Look at this picture I took with R.E.M.
That's me in the corner
How can you tell that a pony has a sore throat?
It's a little hoarse
What is the drippiest vegetable?
A leek.
Religion is so self contradicting.
Thank God I'm an atheist.
What do you call it when all your chickens take take over your house?
A coop d'état
I think that people who catch their breath at performances of The Blue Danube
may be gasping at Strauss.
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.
A husband and wife get into an argument.The wife gives him the silent treatment for three days.
On the fourth day, the husband says,
“Hey… are you still not talking to me?”
The wife finally replies, “Yes.”
The husband smiles and says,
“Great! I thought I went deaf.”
A man walks into a bar
Ouch
I got gas yesterday for 99 cents
Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
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