I told my son, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field."He said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means its pasture bedtime."
If a king sleeps on a king-sized bed and a queen sleeps on a queen-sized bed, where does a prince sleep?
On an heir mattress.
At dinner, my date leaned in and whispered, “So… are you more of a breast guy, or a thigh guy?”
I’m like, “Neither. Chicken fingers all the way.”
What do you call a woman who won't stop singing Christmas songs?
Carolyn
Why is prohibited to do the reverse cowgirl position in Alabama?
You can't turn your back on family!
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts!
A man went to the ER with 24 toy horses up his bum
Doctors listed his condition as "Stable"
My job in Zimbabwe is applying a spray to soften the leather straps attached to a horses bit…
I mist the reins down in Africa
It's awkward touching hands with a woman in a popcorn bag.
Especially when you don't know her and she doesn't know you're eating her popcorn.
Two men robbing a liquor store. One asks "is this whisky?"
The other replied "not as whisky as wobbing a bank!"
This is my favourite poem of all time: I dug, you dug, she dug, he dug, we dig.
it may not mean anything, but it's deep
My friend Jay had triplet daughters, and named them after him.
Their names are Kay, Elle, and Em.
I named my phone titanic
Now when I use Bluetooth it says titanic is syncing
I'm a woodworker and I make seven figures a year.
It's starting to look like I won't ever make any real money unless I learn to carve them faster.
While out Christmas shopping with my wife, she asked why I bought myself cut-off shorts, a fishnet crop top, and rainbow fingerless gloves.
I looked at her and sang, “Dawn… we now own gay apparel.”
You guys wanna hear a Potassium joke?
K
What do you call a girl kneeling in the middle of a tennis court?
Courtknee.
My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.
My wife told me to stop wearing full camouflage when we’re out together
I don’t know why, it’s not like anyone will notice
Man fell 9 stories from a Nightclub
Police confirmed he was not a Bouncer
I sent my son to his room when he said Jim Morrison wasn't a good musician.
We don't slam The Doors in this house.
I quit my job at the sandpaper factory.
The job really wears you down… and I just didn’t have the grit for it.
If I bought a plot of land in Boston..
Would it be a Mass-acre?
My wife says I have only two flaws
I forgot one… and the other was something about not listening.
A retired boxer goes to the doctor because he is having trouble sleepingThe doctor asks him, 'Have you tried counting sheep?'
The boxer replies; "Yes I have, but every time I get to 9, I stand up"
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