A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bar keep says "you're in here pretty often, do you think you're an alcoholic?" The horse replies "no I don't think I am..." and vanishes out of existence…
See the joke is about Descartes' famous quip "I think therefore I am" but to explain that at the beginning of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.
helpmyspacebarbrokencanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative?
Sure, but what does ternative mean?
Does anyone know any good sword fighting puns?
I’m trying to think of words that have a duel meaning.
Coffee was just voted the best drink in the nation.
But it was unfair, there were absent tea ballots.
I met some chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby today. They all just kept bragging about how good they are at the game.
There’s nothing worse than chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Why is hiking in the woods a great way to meet new people?
I met two paramedics, a nurse, a heart surgeon, and nearly met Jesus!
Christmas dinnerAn elderly couple are spending their 70th Christmas together. To celebrate they decide to eat their Christmas dinner naked as they had both had a few sherries that morning.
As they were eating the elderly wife looks across the table at her husband and says to him winking, do you know my tits are as hot for you now as they were 70 years ago
The elderly husband looks back over to her and says, I'm not surprised dear they are dangling in your gravy
George Lucas finally released Yoda's last name
Evidently its Lay He Hoo.
Why did the dad get fired from the calendar factory?
He kept taking days off.
What do you call a jungle cat with bad hearing?
A deaf leopard
What do you call a potato that’s a friend
Brotato chip
How much does a chimney cost?
Nothing. It's on the house!
My cloning experiments FINALLY paid off. I’m SO excited…
I’m beside myself.
Christmas drinkers
Please be careful everyone, I went out for a few drinks after work and got carried away so I left the car at the bar and took a taxi home. Sure enough just up the road the police were pulling over cars and breathalyzing the drivers. They just waved me past being in a taxi which is strange because I've never driven one before and haven't a clue where I got it from
I tried to Google the number 30 in roman numerals
The results were not a number and now my wife is mad at me
Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer..
But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer. He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high...he just couldn't stop as fast.
Never trust ANYTHING you learn at a library.
After all, it's not called a truthbrary.
Toy Dracula Dolls
I got a new job making toy Dracula dolls. There is only 1 other employee so I have to make every second Count.
A guy goes up to the clerk at the corner store and asks,“Hey, got any of those helicopter flavoured chips?”
Clerks goes, “No, sorry, I’m all out…
But I’ve got plane”.
Scene in the westAn Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee . . .
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for a position in United States Congress . . . Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
What do you call it when you take a break from Swedish cars?
A Saab-atical.
I won't post my puns about outer space
because they won't meteor expectations.
What did one gingerbread man say to the other when he hurt his leg?
“Did you try icing it?”
What do you call approx 2,000 pounds (907 kg) of Chinese soup?
Won ton.
What did one plastic brick say to the other plastic brick?
Lego of me!
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