A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician simply performed the same tricks over and over again…There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting out in the middle of the show. “Look, it’s not the same hat!” “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?” The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean and, of course, the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said:
“Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”
90 year old man hears a knock at his door, he opens it to see a stunning woman. She says “I’m here to give you super sex”. He replies…
… “I’ll take the soup”
How to right good
1) Avoid alliteration. Always.
2) Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3) Avoid cliches like the plague. They’re old hat.
4) Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
5) Be more or less specific.
6) Writers should never generalize.
Seven. Be consistent!
8) Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
9) Who needs rhetorical questions?
10) Exaggeration is a billion times worse than an understatement.
11) Never write one words sentences, period.
12) Think long and hard before your write anything that could be misconstrued as a sexual innuendo.
13) Never put things in parenthesis (under any circumstances).
14) Above all else, be concise. Don’t carry on and on. No one likes to keep on reading and reading and not go anywhere with it. Make sure that your reader understands what you are trying to convey in as few words as possible.
A snail slithers into a car dealership one afternoon and slowly makes his way onto the showroom floor. The salesman does a double take but decides not to ask questions. “Can I help you?” he asks.The snail studies the room carefully, then points with his antennae at the fastest, most expensive sports car in the showroom.
“I want that one.”
The salesman blinks. “That’s a high-performance model,” he says cautiously.
“I know,” the snail replies. “Fully loaded.”
The sale goes through like any other. There are negotiations over price, discussions about warranties, debates over extended coverage and optional upgrades. Floor mats are considered. Financing is reviewed. Eventually, everything is agreed upon.
Just before signing, the snail makes one final request: a large red “S” painted on both sides of the car.
The salesman pauses, considers it for a moment, then nods and moves on without comment.
The car is rolled into the shop and prepped for the cosmetic upgrade. Under bright lights, technicians carefully paint an elegant, shimmering red “S” on each door. The letter is bold and unmistakable, standing out dramatically against the sleek black finish of the car—clean lines, perfect curves, impossible to miss from a block away.
The car is rolled back to the showroom. The snail inspects the red “S,” wiggles his antennae once in satisfaction, and climbs in.
Shortly after, the snail peels out of the lot, tires screeching as the sports car rockets down the street.
The salesman watches the snail’s car disappear into the sunset. He leans back, shakes his head, and mutters, “Wow…”
“Look at that S car go.”
I remember when air was free to use at a gas station. Today i paid $3 to put air in my tire. Do you know why we are paying for air ?
Inflation……
What’s the maximum size of a man’s hand?Eleven and a half inches.
Any bigger than that… It’s a foot.
I told my bed we’re just friends…
but we still end up sleeping together every night.
What do you call it if your mother is less than 5'3 in height?
A minimum...
I'm reading this book about an immortal dog...
It's impossible to put down.
Whatcha get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
A person who’s up all night wondering if there really is a dog
I've invented a new kind of drug called 'God'
I'm taking the Lord's name in vein
What did the vinaigrette say to the refrigerator?
Close the door I'm dressing
The masseuse was making jokes instead of paying attention to my massage
I told him he's rubbing me the wrong way.
I’m reading this book about sandpaper…
…turns out it’s a work of friction!
The other day my wife drew on her eyebrows a little high
When I told her she looked surprised
Can you get someone with a sweet tooth to sleep with you? How do you do it?
Piece of cake.
What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike?
The asphalt
G-R-O-A-N... Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
I’m trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? "There, they’re, their."
I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
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/u/olyteddy [link] [comments] Where do fish keep their money?
In the river bank
Did you hear about the two pieces of bread that got married?
It was a perfect ceremony and reception until someone decided to toast the couple.
There was a 60's sitcom about a family of cheese makers.
The Muensters.
What type of fruit really loves roller coasters?
Kiwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!
I'm a zoo employee, specialising in circumcising the elephants.
The pay is lousy but the tips are huge.
I take a ruler to bed with me every night....
...so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
How does Snow White wake up the dwarfs?
7UP
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