How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
My dad was a conjoined twin.
We referred to him as my uncle on my father’s side. Don’t worry, they were surgically separated so now he’s my uncle once removed.
I opened up a deer cloning business...
my goal is to make a quick buck.
A patient tells their therapist they are afraid the car will get trapped in a tunnel with many people inside.
The therapist asks if there is a name for that specific fear, and the patient replies, "Carpool tunnel syndrome".
What starts with a W and ends with a T.
No really, it does!
Do you know what 50 Cent did when he was hungry?
58
I was given a medal after eating some mashed up chickpeas
It was awarded post-hummusly
What's the difference between black-eyed peas and chick peas?
Black-eyed peas can sing us a song, but chick peas can only hummus one.
I told my therapist that I got a gun because of my fear of birds.He said I was getting carried way.
I chambered a round and said, "Not today, I'm not."
When it comes to farts, everyone knows of "loud and proud" and "silent but violent"...
But there is a turd option...
What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
They are both meat substitutes
Getting a PHD so when I get something in the mail…
I can say “Ah, just what the doctor ordered!” every single time until I die.
A panda walks into a pub....... goes to the bar and orders a pint from the slightly stunned barman.
"That'll be £7 please" says the barman, which the panda duly pays.
Once the panda has finished his drink he orders another. Again "that'll be £7 please", which the panda pays.
Another drink down the panda orders another. While pouring the pint the barman says,
"You know, we don't get many pandas in here" to which the panda replies
"I'm not surprised with these prices".
How did a man accused of stealing Jack Daniels respond to the judge?
He pleaded the fifth.
A husband says to his wife...
“Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?” She replies, “I don’t like to call you at work!”
We thought our grandmother was having early onset Alzheimer's. So, we made a doctor's appointment for her
After running bloodwork and various tests, come to find out her memory loss was due to drinking too much Milk of Amnesia.
If your name is Sarah
and you’re NOT telling people it’s short for “triceratops,” what are you even doing with your life?!
My 12 year old son just made this upMy 12 year old to me:
Dad, every time I see a homeless guy now, he has a dog with him.
I tell the homeless guy he’s investing in the wrong Roof!
( I had to high five the little guy it was so bad!)
What’s the sailor’s least favorite color?
Marooned.
Playing the long game…Ever since my son was born when giving him milk, i’ve always made a production out of it. swirling it around in front of his face, sometimes zig-zaggs, or adding chanting… before handing it to him or setting it in front of him. he rolls his eyes like i’m nuts and that’s until today! At ten years old he had a friend sleep over and at breakfast I asked if they wanted milk with their pancakes. the polite young guest said yes please!
well, i hear my son whisper just ignore him he’s weird with the milk.
of course i do my bit swirling the milk around in front of their faces making swooshing noises before setting it down.
the guest says, “Mr ____, what are you doing? we aren’t babies”
I know, but my father taught me that it’s very dangerous to drink milk that hasn’t been past your eyes.
A huge groan and my son says, Wait! you’ve been doing that my whole life. it was a setup for a dad joke? this whole time!?!? OMG!
Did you hear about the farmer who couldn't get milk from a cow?
It was an udder failure
My family and I made this up in the hospitalWhere does a cheese addict go to recover from their addiction?
Briehab
My friends been venting to me a bunch about his weightlifting accident
He really had a lot to get off his chest
What do you call fake spaghetti?impasta !
…
From my 10yo, made me proud!
What do you call two men hanging from a window?
Curt 'n Rod.
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