A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak. They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. > The boomer waves this off and says the kids these days are just too sensitive, and that he fought for civil rights in the sixties and did his part.
They go back and forth on this for a while, and finally the Gen Z kid says, "we're just not gonna settle this. We don't see eye to eye. You're too old and out of touch and I'm too young and inexperienced. What we need to do is ask a Millennial with a PhD in sociology for their opinion."
The boomer says, "that's a great idea!" And yells, "HEY BARTENDER, C'MERE!"
A world-renowned heart surgeon was waiting for his car to be fixed. The mechanic, a bit of a jokester, called him over."Hey, Doc, I want to show you something," the mechanic said, pointing to the engine. "I take these valves out, grind 'em down, and put 'em back in so the engine runs like new. You basically do the same thing for people, right?"
The surgeon nodded. "In a way, yes."
The mechanic grinned. "So, how come I make fifty bucks an hour and you make half a million a year when we’re doing the exact same work?"
The surgeon smiled, leaned in, and whispered, "Try doing it while the engine is still running."
I told my suitcase there would be no vacation this year.
Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.
I was once dating a girl who worked for Organ Donors but dumped her.
She only wanted me for my body.
A good joke to announce becoming a dadAt work, I am responsible for a moment of levity (a bad joke) in our weekly meetings. This subreddit has been very helpful! (I keep a spreadsheet of the jokes I've used, so I don't use one twice, at some point I should share that here.)
When I had my first kid, I used the following joke to announce it:
"My wife is been walking around yelling out things like SHOULDN'T, CAN'T, WON'T, MUSTN'T!" I asked her why and she said that since she was pregnant, she was practicing her contractions."
It killed. But obviously I can't use it again.
So I need another one. Anyone have another good bad joke that also happens to say that your wife is pregnant?
(And, no, I'm not telling my direct supervisor or HR this way; they know. This is for the broader office.)
I was shocked when I received a bill from that roofing contractor.
He told me it would be on the house!
Why are skeletons always so calm?
Because nothing can get under their skin.
Finally got a good oneI went to the doctor yesterday, and she wanted me to get some bloodwork done. While the phlebotomist was readying the vials, she asked me, “are you able to give a urine sample?”
I responded, “urine luck!”
Apparently she never heard that before.
What's the difference between paradise and heaven?
You can't play Monopoly with a heaven
Got a bunch of free tools from my neighbor. I think he's giving up on gardening.
He threw in the trowel.
I saw a chicken reciting poetry as it crossed the road.
It was poultry in motion.
A snail goes into a bar and asks the bartender for a pint of GuinnessThe bartender says "sorry we don't serve snails".
The snail says "oh come on, just a pint and then I'll be out of your hair.
The bartender stands his ground and says "sorry but we do not serve snails.".
The snail is insistent and says "oh come on man, I'm really thirsty and I know you don't serve us, but just one time, pleeeeeaaassse!!!! I'll leave you alone and it can be just between you and I."
The bartender says "I already told you, we do not serve snails."
The snail stars to speak again "oh come on!!, I just" - At that the bartender grabs him and throws him out the door into the street.
About a year later the snail comes in and says "what did you do that for?"
When my wife was pregnant, I gave her a list of tasks for the day. I don’t know why she was so angry about it.
I thought she’d like agenda reveal.
Me: holding my new son..we’re naming him ChipDr: cute name, whats it short for?
Me: he’s only a baby
I grilled a chicken for two hoursStill wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.
But If I keep at it she will crack like an egg
I told a lie about building a crib for my son.
It was cradle cap
Someone broke in and stole all my antidepressants last night
I hope he's happy..
What do you call a Viking who lost his boat?
A Hiking.
What do you call Donna when she gets angry?
Madonna
For my birthday my dad bought me a faulty calculator. It was rubbish! I couldn't even get the number 8 to appear...
... I tried four times too!
Yesterday a pile of books fell on my head.
I blame myshelf.
Pretty happy with a visual gag dad joke.No screenshots allowed, so I will describe my text chain.
Are you free at 1:00?
I am
No 1 pm
Where can you find gas for only $1.99?
Taco Bell
You should be worried if cows are smoking marijuana…
That's when the steaks are highest...
What do they call Elton John in Iceland?
A geyser
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