This just happened in real life, and I got not even a chuckle.True story: the wife and I were walking in Target this evening. We were walking in the clothing section, behind an employee who was moving a mannequin. Out of nowhere the whole arm pops off, and the poor woman can’t bend to pick it up because… ya know… she’s holding the rest of the mannequin. So I walk up, grab the limb while she’s looking around for another employee to help, hold it out to her and say…
“Here, let me give you a hand”
She took it. No laughter. My wife? Nothing. So I am posting here in the hopes that my genius will be appreciated. Keep getting those dad jokes in the wild, folks.
Why do vampires avoid high-level corporate jobs?
They're afraid of stakeholders.
I told my daughter that she'd better change her attitude..
To which she replied, "for complaints please speak to the manufacturer".
Ravens and crows look very similar: ravens have 13 pinion feathers while crows only have 12.
The difference between the two is just a matter of a pinion.
I switched all the labels on my wife's spice rack.I am not in trouble yet.
But the thyme is cumin.
my wife left me cause of my Star Wars addiction
may the divorce be with me
Today I ordered the catfish sandwich.
It looked nothing like the pictures in the menu.
How many nuns does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Because nuns don’t screw.
A guy walks into a bar & orders a beer. Soon he hears a voice: "Nice tie!" But no other customers are around. A few minutes later: "Looks like you've been working out." So he asks the bartender what's up? The bartender says ...
It''s the peanuts. They're complimentary.
What do you call someone who has 10,000 hrs of fishing experience?
A master baiter.
Taylor and Travis's engagement has been called off
A video review showed that Travis's knee never actually touched the ground. The ruling on the field is reversed.
If Antarctica covers the South Pole, what covers the North Pole?…
Uncle-arctica
Why did Elvis get sprayed by his can of coke?It was all shook up.
Thank you very much.
I was upset when the mermaid I’d been chatting with never showed up for our date.
Then I realized she was probably out of my league.
What did the blind guy say on his honeymoon,
I did not see that coming
I used to play piano by ear
but now I use my hands.
Why couldn’t Moses believe his eyes when he saw the Red Sea part?
Cause he was born in de Nile.
Cowboys would hang a lantern on their saddles at night so they could find the trail when they were far from home.
This was early saddle light navigation.
Marvel should use the incredible Hulk for all their promotions.
He's literally a giant banner.
I hate it when people talk about gross things.
It's discussing.
What do you call a gun fanatic who's ironically an environmentalist?
Beretta Thumberg.
I've started investing in stocks...
Mostly beef, chicken, and vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire
Did you hear about that new archery equipment that works outside the Earth’s atmosphere?
It was built by arrow space engineers.
Wouldn’t you know it: the weekend is getting close and I’m already starting to feel sick again.
I must have a weekend immune system.
Did you hear about Celyn?Yeah he died on the toilet.
Poor Celyn ☹️
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