Late one night, a guy is speeding down an empty road. A cop sees him fly past, gives chase, and pulls him over.
The cop walks up and asks, “Sir, are you aware of how fast you were going?”
“Yes,” the man says. “I was trying to escape a robbery I was involved in.”
The cop raises an eyebrow. “Were you the one being robbed?”
“Oh no,” the man replies casually. “I committed the robbery. I was escaping.”
Now the cop is stunned. “So you’re telling me you were speeding and you committed a robbery?”
“Yes,” the man says calmly. “All the loot is in the trunk.”
The cop reaches for the keys. “Sir, you’re coming with me.”
“Don’t do that!” the man shouts. “I’m afraid that you’ll find the loaded gun in my glove compartment!”
The cop jerks his hand back, retreats to his cruiser, and calls for backup.
Within minutes, police cars surround the area, helicopters hover overhead. The man is dragged out, handcuffed, and marched toward a squad car.
Just before they put him in, another officer says, pointing to the original cop, “Sir, this officer says you committed a robbery, had stolen loot in your trunk, and a loaded gun in your glove compartment. But we didn’t find any of that.”
The man sighs and says, “Yeah, and I bet that liar told you I was speeding too!”
I went out with a grammar teacher last night. I mentioned my colon, she talked about her period.
That’s about all we had in comma.
“Doctor, I think I have ADHD. I can never remember where I parked my Ford.”Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.
Man: But I keep losing my Focus.
Why is it easier to weigh a fish than a cat?
Because fish come with their own scales.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
My son said he was going to a 50 cent concert.
I gave him a dollar and told him to take Mom.
My father worked 12 hours a day to put food on the table.
Great dad. Slow cook.
Bear walks into a bar
(Gotta tell this one out loud)
Big ol' grizzly walks into a bar. Tells the barkeep "I'll have a rum and.... .... .... coke." Bartender says "sure, but what's with the big pause?" The bear looks down and says "I dunno, I was born with 'em."
My bucket got stuck when I was trying to get some water
It did not go down well.
How do non binary people kill?
They slash them
I was attacked by a flock of sheep this morning.
Luckily, I was only grazed.
Someone glued my deck of cards together
I'm having a hard time dealing with it.
My friend died while he was addicted to skiing
He went downhill really fast
Which dinosaur is the worst driver?
The tyrannosaurus wrecks
Why is cyclops in charge of the X-Men?
Because professor X made him a super visor.
When I was a kid at fat camp I fell in love with the biggest girl there.
She was my first crush.
How much does a pirate pay for corn
a buck an ear
My wife wanted me to wear long sleeves tonight to dinner and it made me hot, so I told her that I needed to exercise my second amendment rights…
The need to bare arms…
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An Investigator.
Why can’t crocodiles drink milk?
because they are lacoste intolerant
Ziplock started making underwear
I tried a pair but they were just a little baggy
Conversations at the tavernA tired young doctor got off a night shift at the hospital and stopped into a bar called "Dick's" across the street for a drink.
"Hey what can I get you?" asked Dick.
"How about a daiquiri?"
The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar.
He takes a sip and loves it. "Whoa that's great. What's your secret?"
"A little bit of almond extract. Gives it a little something extra." The two hit it off and a lifelong friendship develops.
One night the doctor enters and like clockwork the bartender goes to make his favorite drink only to realize that all the almond extract is gone. Thinking on his feet he substitutes it with a little hickory on hand.
The doctor takes a sip. A little confused, he takes another...
"Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?"
"No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
I was approached by a prostitute last night.She said "For $100 I'll do anything you want."
I said "Great. Clean my house."
I worked with chameleons for a while, and let me tell you...
After some time they show their true colors.
After kissing my wife on the couch she said “let’s take this upstairs”.
“Ok,” I said. “You grab one end and I’ll grab the other.”
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