My car broke down so I took the bus
A policeman showed up at my office and made me give it back
What do you call a cow that had an abortion?
Decaffeinated
I just saw my wife trip over and drop a basket of clothes she just ironed.
I watched it all unfold
What do you call having a conversation on the toilet?
Shit Shat
A friend told me he’s worried about his marriage
His buddy used a page of his wife’s daily planner to smoke cannabis. He’s now worried that his buddy is high on his wife’s to do list.
Colonoscopy the movie
Starring Cameron Diaz
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar.
Batman follows them in.
Just wondering what vegetable do you need when your tire is flat?
A-spare-I-guess
Why did the couple bring a map to bed?
Because they kept getting lost in each other.
I recently failed my Medical College entrance exam because of nerves…
The correct answer was blood vessels.
A herd of cows escaped from their field today.Witnesses described it as…
Udder chaos.
What do you call a horny cow?
Beef jerkey
An island nation may shrink its official script to 25 symbols: ABCD_FGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
Probably Haiti.
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me.
If I bought an axe from Finland and had it shipped to Canada,
I would have a foreign axe sent🙂
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020
Because they had a fight and 2021
i love that this generation managed to kill the stereotype that if you have tattoos, you won’t be able to find a job.
bc now nobody can find a job, whether you have tattoos or not.
Bar.A man walks into a bar carrying a large piece of asphalt. He says to the bartender,
“A beer for me…
and one for the road.”
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.I
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Most people don't realize that barred owls evolved in the vicinity of feudal estates and were often trained to investigate neighboring estates
which is why, to this day, they remain intensely concerned with who cooks for you, who cooks for you all
Why is bread like the sun?
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist
At Starfleet Academy, Picard won a trophy so big he could climb inside it.
He called it the enter prize.
I had to create a new email address and couldn't decide between Google or Microsoft. I went back and forth, back and forth before I decided to ask my magic 8 ball.
It said "Outlook not so good"
A man thought he was a fish
After examination, doctors concluded he was mentally Eel.
I saw a man shred 5 lbs of cheese in under 30 seconds
It's the gratest thing I've ever seen.
top
