My kid texted me: “I just spilled bleach and baking soda all over the floor. What do I do??” I wrote back: “Throw a blanket over it.” A minute later he replied: “Okay… now what?”
I said: “Nothing. All our bases are covered.”
A man walks in a bar and shouts “free beers outside!”So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.
The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man “what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!”
The man says “Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them”
The famous singer Sting has been kidnapped.
The Police have no lead.
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system?
The reviews all said one star.
Our local bra store went out of business
I don’t know if it went tits up or tits down.
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We're closed.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
How do researchers know that babies are afraid of the supernatural?
Because they cry during their first out-of-body experience!
What’s the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?One is a little heavier and one is a little lighter.
Edit: Better joke wording in comments.
What do Vikings do when they retire
Become pharmacists. They’re already experienced in pillage.
Reading the willA lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.
“To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house, cars, and $5 million,” the attorney reads.
“To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.”
“And finally,”
the lawyer concludes, “to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!”
What did algebra tell calculus on their date?
Nice curves!
Police have revealed there has been a number of robberies at a local bowling alley.
Officials believe the criminals are likely to strike again.
The reputation of people from Florida being dumb isn’t right.
It’s unfair that 23 million people can ruin things for the other 167 people.
The world’s largest pickle is going to be displayed at the annual carnival this year
many residents don’t understand what all the hype is about while others say It’s a big dill.
Just curious, when the Baltimore Ravens football team win games, do they forego the traditional champagne,...and break out a cask of Amontillado?
[This might be considered a Poetic dad joke. Nevermore?]
I told my therapist I had commitment issues.
She agreed to see me again... and I never showed up.
When my son asked what our IP address was...
I pointed to the toilet.
I thought that my foot got caught on something as I was walking, but when I looked, nothing was there.
I must be trippin'.
How do catch a unique rabbit?
You neek up on it...
Cancer is like a dad joke.
Not everybody gets it; but those who get it, wish they didn't.
A young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple all wanted to get married at the same small-town church.The local priest, wanting to ensure they were truly committed, gave them a challenge: they had to go one full month without any physical intimacy before he would perform the ceremonies.
One month later, they all returned. The priest asked the elderly couple if they had succeeded. "Oh, yes," they smiled. "It was quite easy for us." He turned to the middle-aged couple, who nodded and said, "It was difficult, Father, but we stayed strong and made it the whole month."
Finally, he looked at the young couple. They were shifting uncomfortably in their seats. The young man looked down at his shoes and confessed, "No, Father... we didn't make it."
The priest sighed. "Tell me what happened."
"Well," the young man explained, "my girlfriend was reaching for a can of corn on the bottom shelf at the grocery store, and she accidentally dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, the temptation was just too much. I couldn't help myself."
The priest shook his head sorrowfully. "I’m sorry, but if you can't show that kind of restraint, you aren't welcome in my church."
The young man shrugged and whispered to his girlfriend, "That's alright. We aren't welcome back at that grocery store either".
What do you call a group of toddlers throwing a tantrum
Al Craeda
Did you know they are doing digital tests for prostate cancer now?Yep, the doctor puts their digit right inside you!
*My dad told me this one after he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Thankfully he beat it.
Edit: his to their, doctor’s need not be men.
If my name were Marcus, I’d open a mortuary and call it Marcus’s Carcasses.
Would you leave your dead loved ones at a place called Marcus’s Carcasses?
top
