A man walks into a bar. He’s got syphilis, typhoid, cholera, rickets, scurvy, bubonic plague, gout, shingles, pink eye, ringworm, mono, hepatitis A through C, whooping cough, measles, mumps, dengue fever, trench foot, strep throat, mumps, measles, Lyme disease, and hand-foot-and-mouth disease.
Bartender says, "What is this...some kind of sick joke?"
Why do vampires have low fertility rates?
Because they can't come inside unless invited.
To each their ownLady: do you drink beer?
Me: yes.
Lady: how many per day? Me: 3.
Lady: how much do you pay per beer?
Me: $5 each including tip.
Lady: how long have you been drinking?
Me: about 20 years.
Lady: 3 beers a day equates to $450 per month or $5,400 per year. In 20 years, that's $108,000.
Me: sounds correct.
Lady: did you know that if you put that money into a savings account, that after interest, you would have had enough money to buy a plane?
Me: do you drink beer?
Lady: no.
Me: where's your fucking plane?
The older I get, the more I think about the hereafter
I go to the basement and say to myself "What am I here after?"
Last night a famous conductor was attacked by a flautist, a clarinetist and a trombonist.
It was an orchestrated attack
Two drunk guys were fighting. One of them drew a line in the dirt, and said if the other crossed it they would punch them in the face...
That was the punchline.
I broke up with a girl once because she wouldn’t stop counting.
I wonder what she’s up to now.
I had to give up my vegetarian diet.
Turns out they’re a lot harder to catch than cows.
Did you hear about the scientist who successfully made an exact copy of himself?Unfortunately it was very foul-mouthed and crude, and the scientist grew tired of it, and finally got rid of it by pushing it off a cliff.
He was later arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
I got an email the other day telling me how to read maps backwards.
Turns out it was just spam.
What do you call a dog that lives in the basement?
A subwoofer
Dad why do they call it USB?
“Because USA was already taken”
Did you hear about the TV series on colonoscopies?
...it's a total shit show.
What do you call a song about female pirates?
A “she” shanty!
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam!
My boss told me to have a good day
So I went home
My Buddy lost 50 lbs in just a couple of monthsHe told me that he substituted two meals a day with a handful of almonds, pecans and filberts.
I said, "that's just nuts!"
The phone rings and is answered by a man
The caller asks to speak to Mrs Smith The man replied "my wife has just gone into labor " The caller asks "Is this her first child?" The man says "No, it's her husband "
NSFW from the MrsMy girl had to get her mammogram today, I texted to see how it went, no like, she texted back:
"No abnormalititties detected!"
A guy told his psychiatrist that he felt like there was a horse living inside him
But he seemed stable
If you get the opportunity to become a Gregorian monk...
...take the chants seriously.
What do you call a dog that loves mustard?
A Gulden Retriever
How many patients does a colorectal surgeon see in a day?
A butt ton.
I got arrested today by a police officer who was clueless about basic chemistry.
Tried to tell me that my pepper spray was a salt.
Every time I cook with a flat earther the food comes out blandWe get into arguments and they ignore every point that I make!
Some people just can’t be seasoned with….
top
