A pregnant woman expecting twins fell into a coma. While she was unconscious, she gave birth. When she finally woke up, the doctors told her that everything went fine and her brother had named the babies.She panicked and said, “Oh no… my brother is an idiot. What did he name them?”
The doctor said, “Well, for the girl, he chose Denise.”
She sighed in relief. “Okay… that’s actually not bad. What about the boy?”
The doctor replied:
“…Denephew.”
I told my friend he'd make a great father; I have a sixth sense
I see dad people
I just moved twenty cents from my left pocket to my right.
It was a pair o’ dime shift
Scientists recently combined DNA of a cheetah with the DNA of a crab.
Things went sideways real fast.
Check this one out
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Due to personal reasons, I will be saying “Aye” and “Arrrggggh” instead of yes and no for the time being.
Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Our barn had a rodent problem so we got a cat named Nuclear Bomb.
He's a weapon of mouse destruction.
How do you get down from an Elephant?
You don't, you get down from a Duck.
Guy walks into a store and asks the clerk, "Where's the alcohol?"Clerk replies, "I'm sorry, this is a candy store."
Guy pleads, "Do you have any candy with alcohol in it?"
Clerk walks down an aisle and returns with a bag.
Guy looks at the bag and says, "This isn't quite what I wanted."
Clerk replies, "Well, it is liquor-ish..."
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful….
But that’s how Julius Ceasar!
I asked my son if he knew the difference between a lawyer and a liar.
He said, "what? You're just saying the same word twice."
My favourite place to workout is the morgue
I love doing deadlifts
What do you call an Asian Dwayne Johnson?
The Wok.
Why did the man go home after getting struck by lightning?
To recharge. It really zapped the energy out of him
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer this morning
I dunno what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
Arnold Schwarzenegger gets angry when his house is mistaken for German architecture.
IT'S NOT A TUDOR.
No one came to my 'Rambo' themed fancy dress bday party last week. Not one person, even tho I put in so much effort....
Even the cake was sliced alone
What has ears but never listens?
Teenagers
I went to a psychic yesterday, I knocked on her front door and she yelled “who is it?”
So I left.
Optimus Prime was on a date with an Autobot when she asked, “You don’t think my outfit is too tight, do you?”
He said, “No, not at all… but I can definitely see the outline of your Volvo.”
Why did the dry, crusty, stale old semen cross the road?
Cause I accidently wore the wrong socks
There once were three brothers named Manners, Shutup, and TroubleAnd one day they all decided to play hide and seek. Trouble was chosen as seeker, so Manners climbed out the window to hide on the roof, and Shutup hid behind the dumpster outside. While they were playing, a man was taking out the trash, and he was pretty surprised to see Shutup there, so he asked him, "what's your name, boy?" "Shutup, sir" Shutup politely replied. Then the man asked "where are your manners?" "Manners is out the window, sir" "are you looking for trouble?" "no, Trouble's looking for me"
This is a joke my sibling came up with when we were little, so credit to them. The joke is meant to be told in Afrikaans, so I had to change Manner's hiding spot from a tree to out the window, cause the closet thing to the Afrikaans saying is out the window.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is really fussy when it comes to buying pillows.
His assistants always try to buy memory foam ones but he constantly tells them to "GET DOWN".
Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his porch?
He liked to greet his neighbors with a handshake
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
Because they don’t have the guts.
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