At dinner, I told my date I was trying to figure out what her favorite hobby might be. She leaned in, pounded her fist on the table and yelled, “I MAKE JAM AND PUT IT IN TINY GLASS CONTAINERS!”
It was jarring.
My wife and I decided we didn't like sleep, we hated having a clean house and didn't want any money to spend on ourselves.
So we decided to have three kids.
Sent this to my kids. Me: Knock knockYou. Who’s there?
Me. Hike
You. Hike who?
Me: Unsuspecting kids
Dad waiting with bated breath
Sets the perfect trap
I can’t believe someone broke into my house and stole all my fruit…
…I am peachless!
Used to be a taxi driver. I left it because
I was tired of people talking behind my back.
I’ve discovered that all my pet peeves are either entomological or etymological.
Unfortunately, I can never remember which is which. And that really bugs me.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
What did the cannibal do after dumping his gf?
Clean his ass.
What do you call a moose that everyone knows?
Famoose
If you accidentally drop an ice cube, just kick it under the refrigerator.
Soon it'll just be water under the fridge.
What do you call an Indian Electrician?
A-shock
What do you call a cow that can play a guitar?
A moo-sician
What’s the difference between Elon Musk and a Lemur?
Elon made electric cars, lemur madagascar.
What do you call a cult that’s hard to get into?
Difficult
IKEA MurderMy teenager had to write up a description of a crime scene for a forensics class. I suggested a crime scene inside an IKEA, where a jerk manager was bludgeoned by an employee, using a vase or something that has a vaguely Swedish name.
My middle-schooler: Ah, yes. The Månkïllå.
I asked my dad who was Sherlock’s best friend.
Apparently he is struggling to hear, and kept on asking, ‘What son?’.
How do you make Budweiser?
You send him to school
Asked my wife to set up her dumbest single friend, Gina, to go on a date with my dumbest single friend Ralf.
Asked my wife to set up her dumbest single friend, Gina, to go on a date with my dumbest single friend Ralf. Gina shows up and Ralf says I like your blonde hair, is that natural. Gina replied: No, I wore this wig for our blonde date....how did you know? Ralph takes off his dark glasses and folds up his guide cane and says, oh, sorry, I thought it was a blind date.
I swear, if anyone ever steals my hairpiece again...
...there will be hell toupée.
I’m selling trampolines in Prague.
I'm selling trampolines in Prague.
I can't make a profit because the Czechs keep bouncing...
A friend of mine makes Moebius strips for living.
It is a strange way to make ends meet.
Why can't skeletons lie?
Because you can see right through them.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population?…
…Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin! 🤣
I've decided to sell all my Limbo dancing equipment for just $10.
That's the lowest I can go.
Thinking of selling my vacuum cleaner
I mean, it's just collecting dust...
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