I got a handjob from a blind woman once. She told me, "This is the biggest dick I've ever come across"
I said, "No, you are just pulling my leg"
My neighbor’s wife is an undertaker. They have two vehicles…
His and Hearse.
Wives
I didn’t realise until I got married that in the UK we’re allowed 16 wives. Because I definitely heard the priest say 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse. That with my maths adds up up to 16. So I’m now on the hunt for the other 15.
A sperm donor a carpenter and Julius Caesar walked into a bar
He came he saw he conquered
Mum took everything in the divorce. Well, everything but eggs, sugar, milk, flour and vanilla pods
That's why you're living with me, I got custardy.
Seven has an odd number of letters
Unless you remove one, then it's even.
What do you call an ultra-wealthy trash panda?
A tycoon!
I wanted to write a joke about a watch I lost
But i couldn’t find the time
Went down to Argentina, it was cold...
...bordering on Chile.
I wanted to make a chemistry joke…
But Na
My three year old granddaughter told me thisWhere does a general keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
A waiter dropped a platter and caused an international catastrophe:
The downfall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece and the destruction of China.
Did you hear about the guy who had 5 penis?
His pants fit him like a glove.
My buddy informed me a tree fell down nearby, so I asked if everything was okay?
He said no it was more piney.
My son, after ordering some batteries for his RC planes, says "why are these so expensive?"Because they can charge a lot!
He laughed only because how quickly it came out. He was convinced I'd been sitting on that one a while. No, son. Sometimes the old brain still fires quickly.
A man is drinking in the pub for a whole day..Once he's finished, he drops to the floor, crawls out the door, crawls to his house and crawls into bed.
When he wakes up in the morning, his wife, unimpressed, says to him, "You were in the pub all day, weren't you?"
The man replies, "How do you know?"
Wife replies, "You left your wheelchair there again".
I tried to start an online bakery .
But I accidentally deleted all of my cookies
Did you know a full moon is perfect for a werewolf to come out
I'm gay
There are Pop Tarts, so why aren't there Mom Tarts?
Because the pastryarchy runs the show.
Thought I'd rest a bit in the old macramé hanging chair in the backyard. As I sat down, it broke...
...and I fell into a web of the seat.
Why did the schizophrenic dad buy his son a drum kit?
He didn’t want to hear himself think
What kind of sneakers do kidnappers wear?
White vans
Look, I’m sorry your favorite Swedish car company went bankrupt.
But I don’t need to hear another Saab story.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has the name of the animal on the cage along with the recipe
A little pony goes to the doctor because his throat hurts.
He says, “Doctor, my throat feels terrible and my voice sounds really strange.”
After examining him, the doctor smiles and says,
“Don’t worry — you’re not sick. You’re just a little hoarse.”
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