. . .. I broke up with my GF Lorraine because I was seeing another woman named Claire Lee . .. .
. .. ..The good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone . .. .. ..
Dad: "Name a country without the letter R in it."
Son: "No way!"
A museum in Paris, France recently gifted the painting “Impression Sunrise” to the band Dire Straits.
When asked about it, lead singer Mark Knopfler said the band felt honored to get Monet for nothing.
The son came home from school a bit sad. Mom goes "what's wrong?" The son said "my math teacher said I probably need some new eyeglasses for math." The mom looked confused.
Then the son said "she said that it can help with division".
My neighbour named his dog '5 miles' so he could tell people he walked 5 miles every day.
Well today I ran over 5 miles...
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Moon landing.I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.
Did you hear about the cowboy who adopted a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.
Germans must hate sausages
They’re always calling them the wurst.
. ... .Why did the Dalai Lama go to Vegas?
.. .. well, he loves Tibet . ..
why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication? . .. .. ...
its for Hispanic attacks . . ..
I think I saw Michael J. Fox at the florist the other day . .. .. .
.. .I can't be sure though, as he had his back to the fuchsias
What is the opposite of lady fingers?
Mentos
What did the Roman emperor say when his female prisoner escaped?
Julius, seize her
Hey, just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I....What do you call a musical group composed of dads?
A pop band!
a physicist froze himself at -273.15 °C. everyone said he was crazy but..
he was 0K.
. Asked my wife if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips after work .. .No reply . ...
. .I guess she still mad at me for naming the kids . ..
. went to the doctors the other day for a hearing problem . . the doctor said "can you describe the symptoms" . ..
. ..I said "yes of course, Homer is the Dad and Marge has blue hair" . .. .
How do you make an octopus laugh?
Give it ten tickles.
... My wife told me to stop singing I'm a believer by the Monkeys or she'd leave me ..
.I thought she was kidding, but then I saw her face . .
. .Why should you not kick a Volcano .
.. You might Krakatoa . ..
Knee stiffness
After my wife and I got in bed last night, I told her that my knee was stiff and asked her if she could rub it. She asked which knee, I said my wee knee.
I was at a coffee shop in Italy, and asked the waiter what it’s called when they pour espresso over ice cream
He couldn’t remember.
Who does Beyonce call when she needs a new loose stone drive way . . ..
All the shingle ladies . .
My boss asked me if I ever spread gossip about my coworkers.
I said “No, of course not! But you know who does…..”
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