Apparently, you can tell male and female.ants apart quite easily.... Just need to briefly put them in a little bit of waterIf it sinks it means it's a girl ant...
If it floats...buoyant
My wife gave me an envelope marked, "Not to be opened until 2027.”
Inside was a list of reasons why I can't be trusted to carry out simple instructions.
I dated a girl with a lazy eye
... until I realized she was seeing someone on the side.
I'm going to solve 1 + 2 + 3 + ... + 100.
I have a 5050 chance of getting it right.
I asked my wife ...How come she was so excited about getting a new car on finance right until the day she bought it home...After that she didn't even bother to drive it for about 90 days
She said it came with 0% interest for the first 3 months
I relabeled all the jars in my wife's spice rack
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.
A man walks into a bakery with a salmon under his arm and asks “do you have fish cakes?”
The person behind the counter replies, “No”.
“That’s a pity, it’s his birthday”.
A cute blonde and Frankenstein's monster were hitting if off at a bar. She asked him, "Where ya' from, Big Boy?"
He responded, "Oh, all over."
Did you know that ten plus ten and eleven plus eleven are the same thing?
It's true. Ten plus ten is twenty, and eleven plus eleven is twenty, too.
Did you hear about the landmine inspector who got injured on the job?
Looks like he decided to press charges.
My boyfriend dumped me so I stole his wheelchair....
.....guess who came crawling back?
A baker was showing off to his friend saying he could make his dough rise quickest
His friend said 'prove it'
My friend said he just got a job at a bowling alley. I asked him , 'tenpin'?
He said no , permanent
Two canibals are eating a comedian.
One turns to the other and asks... does this taste funny to you?
Not a lot of people know this, but Michael Jackson wanted to play an Elf in The Fellowship of the Ring.
Yeah, he was excited to make Mithriller!
I buy every comic book I see.
My friends and family say I have a lot of issues.
Why do police officers always show up to aquariums?
Cause there is always something fishy going on there.
What did Sting say, when he got to the beach?
Rocks Sand
I forgot to ask off for Dolly Parton Day.
Looks like I'm workin' 9/25
Eating too many sweets is the sin of gluttony…
…but you can eat as much pie as you want because the sin of pie is always zero!
Unfortunately, my company can no longer produce any Hawaiian necklaces.
There have been too many lei offs.
College
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the incoming freshman and pointed out some of the rules. "The female dormitory is off limits to all male students and the male dormitory to all female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first offense." He continued, "If you break this rule a second time, you will be fined $60 and a third infraction will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a young man in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
Would I like to go on a forest hike with Robin Hood?
Sherwood!
I cooked dinner on my stove top yesterday and today, therefore I'll cook my dinner on it tomorrow
It's an induction cooker.
My printer won’t print change.
It makes no cents. Frustrating for sure.
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