A man went into a building he'd never been to before to find a book, all he found were books on genital anatomy.
No one told him it was a pubic library.
My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing…
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
What’s the difference between a cheap guy at a restaurant and a worker packaging silicone breast implants?
One’s a shitty tipper……
I dated a girl who insisted we tear apart my Disney Pixar DVDs.
We eventually split Up.
If Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were both killed by a rampaging ostrich...
...would that be a case of killing two Stones with one bird?
Were all of President Theodore Roosevelt's speeches, by definition...
TED Talks?
Yesterday, I couldn’t tell if someone was waving at me or the person behind me.
On an unrelated note, I lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.
Why did the baker make unleavened bread?
He took the path of yeast resistance.
My gun fell in love with me
Call that a smitten wesson.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s scared of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
A perfectionist walks into a bar and immediately turns around and leaves.
Apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.
My friends telling me I need to understand the female gaze better to get a girlfriend
But I thought those were lesbians?
A phlebotomist, a physical trainer, and a wedding cake designer formed a band
They’re called Blood, Sweat, and Tiers
I've a female relative who gets very angry when someone compares her to French bakery items.
She's a cross aunt.
Why was the gay lawyer so popular?
He got a lot of guys off
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre
My friend Jay just had twin daughters and wanted to name them after himself.
I suggested Kaye and Elle.
How do flat earthers travel?
On a plane.
A thief stole Ketchup
He was caught red handed.
This is a message to the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office.
I will find you. You have my Word.
A detective asked me where I was between 5 and 6.
He seemed pretty irritated when I said “Kindergarten.”
A guy approaches his doctor panicking, saying “You have to help me! I think I’m shrinking!”
The doctor said, “Settle down. You just have to learn to be a little patient.”
U Haul.
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, did he just bust a move?
IF YOU DECIDE TO KICK the fallen ice cube away, please please PLEASE do NOT worry about it.
It's now water under the fridge.
Me: Doctor doctor, I keep forgetting everything.Doctor: When did this start?
Me: Start what?
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