A programmer’s wife tells him, "Go to the store and get a loaf of bread." "If they have eggs, get a dozen."He returns with twelve loaves of bread.
She asks why, and he says, "Because they had eggs."
I once dated a cross eyed girl
It didn’t work out, we didn’t see eye to eye. I also think she was seeing someone on the side.
What’s the worst part about taking an ancient history course?
The professors tend to Babylon.
I survived a fall without a parachute...
I've also survived a winter, spring and summer without one, too.
A Trump and a human can reproduce…
…but the offspring is Barron.
Hey Alexa, why am I so bad with women?
"I'm Siri you idiot."
I was ordered to polish a giant Elton John statue a week ago
I’m still sanding!
My dad always said:
My dad often said “Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.”
What do you call the Australian Prime Minister when he has the flu ?
Anthony Albasneezy.
Why was the broom late for school on Monday?
He over-swept
What idiot invented fire blankets?
You’d think fire is hot enough.
My IQ test came back..
It was negative
Tech tip: It’s dangerous to download “Come Sail Away” or “Satisfaction”. “Turn, Turn, Turn” is perfectly fine however…
Styx and Stones may break your phones, but the Byrds will never hurt you.
Where do you house a well-balanced horse?
A stable.
Dad -- Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.Daughter -- What's that got to do with anything?
Dad -- That means it's pasture bed time.
A French woman bet me I couldn't make two bilingual egg puns.
So I asked her if one would be an oeuf. She said no, and demanded two. So I told her, "that's a crocque, madame".
Last night I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.. she replied a divorce
I wasn't planning on spending that much..
If crowns for your teethAre made of ceramic…. And if toilets are also made of ceramic….. does that make me a potty mouth?
Edit: I screwed up my own joke. It’s supposed to be porcelain, not ceramic! Can’t believe I butchered it😭
Our computers went down at the office today, so we had to do everything manually.
It took me fifteen minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.
What kind of noodles do cannibals like?
Ramen
I'm worried about the crew of the Artemis II mission
Their Outlook isn't looking good.
What do you call a space ship powered by methane?The fart-emis
Daaaaaaad, why do you always tell fart jokes???
My wife took the new car out for a driveWhen she returned, she said ‘I have good news and bad news’
I said, what’s the good news?
She said, well, the airbags on the new car work.
Which insect is the opposite of a stink bug?
Deodor ant
TIL The best way to learn braille
You just have to get a feel for it.
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