I identify as condescending.
My pronouns are there/there.
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.
“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again.
Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag.
He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.
“That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”
So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”
Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
There was a shooting at the White House Correspondence Dinner tonight...
Kash Patel went running in because he heard there were free shots.
I won’t go to another funeral
They’re not going to come to mine, so why should I go to theirs?
Those thugs stole my bible and I can't get it back. There are too many of them!
They've got Numbers.
The phrases "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" usually mean the same thing...
...except when you're at a funeral.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords today
I had to ground him. He’s currently doing better, but he's still a bit shocked.
So Proud. Granddaughter (14) first Dad Joke.
So proud. Granddaughter made her first proper Dad joke. I asked her to take the bins out and she said.........Why I'm not dating them?
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was nice enough, but the RECEPTION was fantastic!
What has 10 letters and starts with GAS?
Automobile.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity
I can’t put it down.
My father wrote dozens of books about yoghurt.
He truly is a man of culture.
I thought we were gonna get clobbered when I realized every kid on the team I was coaching had mismatched leg lengths.
But we ended up running circles around everyone.
When I get a headache I take two aspirin...
... and Keep away from children just like the bottle says.
So I went to a beekeeper and asked him for five bees, but he gave me six. I asked him "what's with the extra one?"
He answered "It's a freebie."
In an effort to be more progressive so I started listening to Nascar on the radio.
Now I don’t see race.
How does a Mother become single?
She moves Father away.
A few months ago I had told my dad I met a guy named Doug that I was really interested in. Weeks went by and he asked for an update…I told my dad that Doug had let me know he had a girlfriend.
And my dad, serious as hell, says, “so I guess this means you’re Doug-less (Douglas).”
It was a bummer but the joke made it better 😂
I used to shave my head completely bald until I lost my razor.
I really hated it at first, but it's starting to grow on me.
Why are bartenders so good at their job?
they're always doing the beer minimum
What do you call antibiotics for a yeast infection?
Cancel culture
How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and act like a nut!
If Mister Putin were a bee...
He'd be a cagey bee
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's ok, he woke up.
top
