As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....
"But you already own her home!"
I broke up with my girlfriend because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known. There were red flags everywhere.
Why did the 9V battery get kicked out of the group?
It was an AA meeting.
Why should you never rub avocados in your eyes?
Well, you could get guacoma.
I had to tell my patient I'd dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery.
I'll never forget the look on his elbow.
What do you call the shortest mother ever?
The minimum.
I do a lot of illegal things...
But graffiti is where I draw the line.
The other day, someone ripped out the 5th month out of my calendar.
I'm dismayed.
I refuse to eat steak on the beach.
That’s my loin in the sand.
You can cook prawn all you want.
But they'll still be raw in the middle.
In today's news, Little Red Riding Hood was found in critical condition.
Paramedics say she's stable at the moment, but she's not out of the woods yet.
My wife was complaining that I never buy her flowers.
I didn’t even know she sold them.
I asked the book store owner if she knew the book about Pavlov's dogs and Shroedinger's cat.
She said, "I don't know if I have it or not, but it rings a bell."
I didn’t want to admit to myself that my friend was stealing road markers
But when I saw his bedroom, all the signs were there.
I hired a landscape gardener but he couldn’t help me….
….my garden is portrait
I bought a vacuum cleaner to replace my old one.
The new one really sucks!
Most actors eat with a fork
but Reese Witherspoon.
Why are guys such great cooks
Because with just two eggs and a sausage, they can fill a belly for 9 months
Really happened (I-5 in CA) - I saw a sign on the freeway that said corn maze ahead, so of course I told my girlfriend "I bet its amazing."
Without missing a beat she replied "your so corny."
I was going to buy a kfc franchise
But I chickened out .
I love going outdoors.
So much safer than going through windows.
A blonde was at the bar watching the 6:00 news when a guy was about to jump off a bridge. A guy saw her and said I’ll bet you $100 he jumps. She takes the bet. He jumps and the guy said I can’t take your money I saw it on the 5:00 news.
She hands him the $100 and says so did I, but I didn’t think he was going to do it again!
My wife asked me to spice up her dinner.
This was an insalt.
I'm not being condescending
I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
My neighbor was fired for having sex with his patients...
It's too bad, he was one hell of a veterinarian.
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