My inflatable house got a puncture last night.
Now I'm living in a flat.
Why don't the French eat two eggs for breakfast?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
Why is Billy Joel's laundry so wet?
He didn't start the dryer.
A factory worker died after falling into a vat of coffee.
Paramedics said he didn't suffer - it was instant.
I would love to visit Norway….
But I can’t a fjord it.
My father was thrown in jail for pushing a banana into a cops face....it seems
A peel to authority is a weak argument.
You know who really cared about making sure you got the “Calvary vs cavalry” distinction right?
Jesus Christ. It was a hill he was willing to die on.
Why should you always have an extra pair of socks with you, when you go golfing?
In case you get a hole in one.
What did scissors say to rock?
“Beats me.”
I just discovered that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome...
Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.
My dad told me that if I did what I loved, I would never work a day in my life.
So i thanked him and just play video games in his basement all day every day.
Longer one... happened an hour ago.Very very old joke.
Went to pick up some new glasses, had my adult son with me.
We got talking about the thinness of the glass, and how it's hi-index glass, bit more expensive than other glass.
Driving Home
Me: yep its high index expensive glass. Really thin.
Him: oh yeah that's cool. (Not really paying attention)
Me: its so much better than the cheap German sausage glass.
Him: cheap German sausage glass ?
Me: yep, thats the wurst!
He looked at me like what ????? And then it clicked
Him : I can't believe you just said that
Heard about the guy who lost his middle finger?
He gives no fucks.
Years ago, while shopping, I was struggling to find the merch from the new Terminator film... So i asked a member of staff to direct me...
He said 'Aisle B, Back'
I need a phone company that understands boundaries
But clearly Tecno can't take no for an answer.
My girlfriend crashed our car this morning.When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.
The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.
What kind of bed is best for ridiculing pigs?
A hammock.
What do you call a toothless bear?
A gummy bear.
Does anyone on this sub really understand E=MC²?
It's the name Einstein gave himself when he discovered rap music.
A friend of mine named his dog “5 Miles” so he could tell people he walked 5 miles every day
But today he ran over 5 Miles
What do cancer and my humour have in common?
Not everyone gets it.
Have you heard about the French suicide bomber?
Napoleon blownapart
What did the guitar say to the stone?
Rock on.
I really wish drivers would learn not to tailgate ...
... besides, those red and blue flashing lights on your car look ridiculous!
I'm starting a new online craze!
I will sell nothing but puddings and custards. It will be called OnlyFlans
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