What’s the difference between a circus and a brothel?
A circus has a cunning array of stunts
My son is at that age where he wants to join a rock band. I told him I played in a band when I was his age.
My band was called The Hinges and we opened for The Doors
Never ask your wife where she wants to eat. Ask her, "Guess where I'm taking you!?"And whatever she says is where you go.
Follow me for more marriage and relationship advice.'
I decided not to date a girl because she was a communist.
There were just too many red flags.
13-year-old: Did you know that dogs have smooth tongues and cats have rough tongues?
Me: Hmm, I would have thought that dogs were the ones with “ruff” tongues!
It’s Sunday, and I told my family that tomorrow we’re going to the local maternity ward to cheer on the expectant mothers.
You know, to celebrate Labor Day.
(really hard to set up a time dependent joke that only works for a US audience)
Every day I announce to my family I'm going for a jog, then proceed to stay at home
It's my running joke.
I am friends with a sniper who is a self-professed Communist…
He’s a very skilled marxman
What do you call a coffee that's not supposed to be there?
Trespesso
I tried to board my flight with a pickaxe, shovel and hard hat. I couldn’t even get through security.
No unaccompanied miners allowed.
What's a skeletons favourite instrument?
A trom-bone.
I got fired from the clock factory.
I thought putting in "extra hours" was a good thing?
What did the dieter say when making fried chicken?
It's a nice day for a light breading
I’ve been trying to figure out what foods are problematic for me, so I started writing down what I eat in a notebook.
It’s my diary-a
I used to hate facial hair
but then it grew on me.
What did they call it when the dinosaurs left Europe?
Rexit
I got mugged by 6 dwarves this morning....
not Happy!
What is the probability of bread falling from the sky right now?
I don't know but it's probably naan-zero
I bought Spiderman pyjamas the other day
I hope he likes them
Hired to replace a water heater with the instant kind…
It was a tankless job, but somebody had to do it.
If Satan ever lost his hair
there will be hell toupée
Proud of this one while in the kitchen.Did one on the spot today.
Wifey and I were doing some baking given it’s a rainy Sunday. She was looking in every drawer for our whisk.
She looked at me accusingly… “Why did you move the whisk?”
I replied: “I would never do that. It’s too whisky.” Followed by the goofy smile and the finger guns.
I think that was legitimately the biggest eye roll I’ve ever received. Success!
Why can't a leopard hide?
Because he is always spotted.
What do you call a moth laying eggs?
A moth-er
A woman rejected me because i amputated my toes
She was lack toes intolerant
top
