My father was a officer in the Army but he never showered
He wanted to maintain his rank
Why can’t NASA send a duck to space
The bill would be astronomical
Rescuers attempted to save a stranded Mt. Everest climber today…
When they arrived on scene they found Himalayan there!
She got me.My girlfriend and I were watching a cop show together. One thing that always bothered me: when the main characters storm a building, their backup come in with full body armor, heavy assault weapons, and helmets. The MC's don't. I complained about this to her, and she said they don't need all that. They have Plot Armor.
I love that woman.
I went to a pub once and they had a dartboard on the ceiling
The moment I saw it I wanted to throw up
My son asked if he could eat a piece of cake in the fridge.
I said "Sure, but wouldn't the dining room be more comfortable for you?"
What was the name of the French guy who lost a fight with a cat?
Claude.
What did the badass census worker say?
I’m here to kick butt and take names and I’m all out of butts.
At a divorce paper signing...
WOMAN: I regret ever joining that Star Wars dating app
MAN: You were looking for love in Alderaan places
WOMAN: And I really regret marrying a Star Wars pun addict
MAN: It was a wookie mistake
WOMAN: Just sign it
MAN, SIGNING: May divorce be with you
When you pat a dogs head it will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Make it bark
Had a coworker at the office the other day using a dolly to move some equipment. I told him he could use that to get away with most anything and he looked at me weird.
I told him they call it a dolly pardon.
Why does my grandmother only put 239 beans in her famous bean soup?
If she put one more bean it would be two farty
A forester is walking through the forest and a tree yells, “Stop! You can’t cut me down, I’m a talking tree!”
The forester responds, “Yeah, and you’ll dialogue.”
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing a game of hide and seek.Einstein starts counting: "One, two, three..."
Pascal runs off and hides behind a large bush.
Newton, however, just stands there. He takes out a piece of chalk, draws a square on the ground exactly one meter by one meter, and steps inside it.
Einstein finishes counting, opens his eyes, and sees Newton immediately. "Aha! I found you, Newton!" he shouts.
Newton smiles and shakes his head. "No, you didn't. You found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal!".
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my new calandar
I'm dismayed
I used to think Chewbacca was an Ewok
Wookiee mistake
When I discovered I was holding my new taser the wrong way,
I was stunned
Got a really nice 3 foot ruler today...
I bought it at a Yard sale.
Remember, there are 10 types of people in the world,
those who understand binary and those who don't.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
This girl on tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.
I told her I’m looking for matches.
Which Jedi is best at delivering babies?
OBi GYN
I heard a rumour that a specific Cadburys chocolate bar is being forged and sold all over East Asia...
Tho it could just be Chinese Wispas
Why should you never include peppers in your friend group?
They have an annoying habit of getting jalapeño business.
There is only 3 types of people in this world
Those that can count and those that can’t
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