Dad joke from my 15yo sonBackground: My son is half Japanese. His Japanese is much better than his English.
I was making dinner, talking with my boys. My eldest (15yo) opened Disney+ on his phone and started playing Frozen on it. He then grabbed the remote from his brothers, opened Disney+ on the TV and started playing Frozen 2.
He came over to me and said, "Daddy, I wanted to watch a movie on my phone, but it was frozen. So, I tried to watch it on the TV, but it was frozen, too."
I've never been prouder in my life.
If a tomb is pronounced "toom" and a womb is pronounced "woom,"
why isn't a bomb pronounced "boom?"
What is a Leper's favorite musical?
Footloose.
What do you call a Middle Aged dinosaur with joint problems?
A Mykneesaresaur.
Went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole…
…he said they all look like that and I should have left him in the garden.
Face the facts people, aliens never visit Earth.
They've read the Yelp review. Only 1 star.
Tomorrow I'll do a talk for people who can't achieve orgasm.
Those who can't come, can come.
What’s the difference between an intense interrogation and a nature walk?
One is badgering a witness, the other is witnessing a badger.
In which city do India people leave their mother?
Mumbai
Did you hear about the bakery they opened down at the zoo?
It’s called “Bread in Captivity”
What did the brain say to the bladder when it started leaking?
Urine trouble!!!
What do cannibals serve at the begining of dinner parties?
Handshakes
One of my greatestMy wife last night, at a charity dinner: oh my gosh, babe! That’s my high school statistics teacher!
Me, immediately: what are the odds??
I went to the doctors with hearing problems…… he said “Can you describe the symptoms?”
I said “Homers a a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair”
My oldest son is a mountaineer but when he’s home he’s so lazy
When I come back from work I always find Himalayin on the sofa
Why did the belt get arrested
It held up a pair of pants
I removed the middle of my dictionary.
Now, it's just a diary.
When my son farts on me I ask him what time it is
He doesn't understand time because he's 2 months old so I tell him it's toot:turdy
If you are paranoid, don’t become an uber driver
All those people talking behind your back
Professor X asks a young girl: “Whats your superpower?”The girls responds “I can predict exactly how many pulls of a ceiling fan string is needed to turn it off. For example, the one above your head needs 3.”
Professor X gets up and pulls the string 3 times and as she predicted, it turns off.
“Wow, that’s impressive,” Professor X tells her. “But thats not really a superpower.”
“Yeah you’re right,” The girl responds. “I was just kidding. I can actually heal paraplegics”
It’s a shame that the Beatles didn’t make the submarine in that song green.
That would’ve been sublime.
"Hi, does your dog bite?"No of course not.
"OUCH!! I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOUR DOG DOESN'T BITE!?"
That is not my dog.
For the 10th year in a row my co-workers voted me the most secretive guy in the office.
I can't tell you how much this means to me.
My boss at the button factory said we had to rush this next batch.
We had a pressing order.
Don’t hire a bull to clean your house.
They charge way too much.
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