What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
They are both meat substitutes
I told my therapist that I got a gun because of my fear of birds.He said I was getting carried way.
I chambered a round and said, "Not today, I'm not."
My 12 year old son just made this upMy 12 year old to me:
Dad, every time I see a homeless guy now, he has a dog with him.
I tell the homeless guy he’s investing in the wrong Roof!
( I had to high five the little guy it was so bad!)
What starts with a W and ends with a T.
No really, it does!
If your name is Sarah
and you’re NOT telling people it’s short for “triceratops,” what are you even doing with your life?!
I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159.
Then it just CLIX.
My family and I made this up in the hospitalWhere does a cheese addict go to recover from their addiction?
Briehab
What's the difference between black-eyed peas and chick peas?
Black-eyed peas can sing us a song, but chick peas can only hummus one.
I got my vaccination for shingles today.
Just to be on the safe side, I also got one for vinyl siding as well.
When it comes to farts, everyone knows of "loud and proud" and "silent but violent"...
But there is a turd option...
What do you call two men hanging from a window?
Curt 'n Rod.
What's the highest religious festival in the Islamic Republic of Japan?
Ramendan.
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?"
"The doorbell repair man."
Why did the witch go commando?
To get a better grip on her broom
PSA: If you receive an email containing a video of bear attacks, do not open it!
It’s maul ware.
A dung beetle walks into a bar…
…and says “Is that stool taken?”
My friend Joe is losing weight
He's on the Dolly Parton diet. It really makes Joe lean.
I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy
It’s not like I did anything
To whoever stole my glasses
I will find you,i have contacts.
I’m currently writing a joke about a slight breeze
But it’s just a draft right now
I asked my wife if she’d hem my pants. She ripped them out of my hands and snapped, “Fine!” I said, “Whoa, what’s wrong?” She said, “Nothing.”
I said, “You seam angry…”
A panda walks into a pub....... goes to the bar and orders a pint from the slightly stunned barman.
"That'll be £7 please" says the barman, which the panda duly pays.
Once the panda has finished his drink he orders another. Again "that'll be £7 please", which the panda pays.
Another drink down the panda orders another. While pouring the pint the barman says,
"You know, we don't get many pandas in here" to which the panda replies
"I'm not surprised with these prices".
What do you call indisputable, conclusive proof that someone has entered into dad joke territory
The smoking pun
My proctologist stopped breathing during my colonoscopy.
She assfixiated.
Last request
Priest: Do you have any last requests? Murderer sitting in the electric chair: Yes. Can you please hold my hand?
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