Why does Tiger Woods wear two condoms?
In case he gets a hole in one
Why did the baby habanero put on a jacket?
It was a little chilli.
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar.
Batman follows them in.
Who led the Jewish people across a semi permeable membrane?
Os-Moses.
Why is Santa so jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live.
While out for a hike, I was surprised to find a Subaru SUV in the woods
I guess I couldn't see the Forester for the trees
What do you call an Asian Dwayne Johnson?
The Wok.
To the person who stole my copy of Overcoming Insomnia
How do you sleep at night?
Heard a great Dad joke at DisneylandSon: Are we going to Tomorrowland today?
Dad: No, we are going tomorrow. It's not called Todayland.
Just found out my friend died from heartburn
Can't believe that Gav is gone
[NSFW] What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A Dicktater
Some day, Canada is going to take over the world.
Then you'll all be sorry.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that has been sitting on the shelf for a while?
Dusty
An assassin has recorded an album
It is a hit.
The tower in Pisa was fine,
until the bank put a lean on it.
Never lend Columbo your phone
He always cracks the case
Spouse got me with this one today
We should be at Costco early enough to try the new brunch at the food court. (Paused so I knew a punchline was coming) It's the same as their regular menu items, but you get a brunch of them.
What did the left leg say to the right leg?
"That guy in the middle is a bit of a dick, isn't he?"
What did the shoes say to the pants?
What's up, britches?
There’s an old stereotype that dead horses get turned into glue. But with modern synthetic adhesives, they’ve shockingly been re-routed to the food industry, Making spreads to put on sandwiches.
It’s called Mayo-NeighNeighs
Why did the plane get grounded?
He had a bad altitude.
What is a dog’s favorite button on the remote?
Paws
Why did the nuclear reactor become a dad?
Because he loved fission with progeny, never had a meltdown under pressure, and always kept the lights on for the whole family!
How does God like His meat?
Well done, my good and faithful servant.
what kind of insurance does bernie sanders have?
progresssive
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