Why don’t accountants last long in bed?
They’re too busy trying to balance the sheets.
Did you hear about the constipated math teacher?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Strangely, I found stir fry all over my bed this morning
...must have been sleep woking again...
My wife vetoed my request to buy expensive extra-large boxers.
She clearly doesn’t appreciate the national emergency for lavish ballroom.
I live my life by a couple of simple rules.No pee jokes. That's number one.
No poop jokes. That's number two.
In school I excelled at all my class except Greek Mythology...
It was my Achilles Elbow.
Mozart was a child prodigy.
Seriously, he was A sharp minor.
If I had pet ducks and I caused a huge fight between them,
Would you say I have all my ducks in a row?
If only someone could speed up the deer reproduction process.
They could probably make a million bucks
Anytime I visit a sex shop, I secretly draw little sprinting legs on the rubber ball mouthpieces.
It’s a running gag.
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid, “State of the art! Cost me a small fortune.” I said, “Awesome. What type is it?” He replied...
“Two thirty.”
I just ate the numbers 3, 5, 7, 9 and 11.
They tasted odd.
Son: Dad, I think the bougie man is under the bed? Dad: Don't you mean the boogeyman?
Voice from under the bed: Wow, the thread count on these sheets is PATHETIC.
Why were the Monkees kicked out of the Bee Keeper Club?
Because they're bee leavers!
What's Ross Geller's favourite type of Excel table?
Pivottttt.
Why shouldn't wildlife photographers sit on arctic ice for too long?
They're at risk of developing polaroids
Early in their career, Blue Öyster Cult was on tour and their bus broke down near Drain, Oregon.
Destitute and sorrowful, they got a tow to the gas station, which, fortunately, was owned by a fan, who said: "Don't fear the repair."
What do you call someone who helps pharaohs with their posture?
Cairo-practors!
I told my suitcase there would be no vacation this year
Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.
I got fired from my set designer job
I left without making a scene
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have two half sisters...
I wanted to tell a joke about being redundant
but I figure it's already been done before
Doc: Why did you bring a shotgun to our session? ....... Me: Birds scare me to death. ...... Doc: Now you're getting carried away.
Me: Not TODAY I'm not!
I heard they are going charge people for getting a cold
It will be a Cough Fee
A drunk went into a confessionalA drunk went into a confessional.
The priest was waiting for the sinner to speak up but the drunk didn’t say a word.
After a while the priest coughed...nothing…he coughed again... nothing.
After the third cough the priest decided enough was enough and started banging on the wooden grid.
The drunk finally spoke up: “You can quit knocking now, buddy, there’s no toilet paper in here either.”
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