Did you know Albert Einstein died from a blood clot in the brain?
It was a stroke of genius.
Did you hear about the guy who died when a periodic table fell on him?
The official cause of death was "exposure to the elements".
What’s the difference between a dad joke and an athletic rabbit?
One’s a bit funny… and the other’s a fit bunny.
Did you hear about the goose that had to resort to stripping to buy a house?
It's the only way she could make the down payment.
Shopping with my wife at the mall, I said, “Babe, you need to accept that I’m a changed man.”
She goes, “Get out of the damn dressing room already.”
Why shouldn’t you sneeze in public?
Because people will turn to look Achoo 🤧
You call them Sleeveless Shirts…
…I call them Ampu-Tees
I'm writing a book about WD-40.
It's Non-Friction
Went to Aldi’s yesterday
I went to Aldi’s grocery store yesterday to pick up a few items. I noticed they’re now selling a Humpty Dumpty toy. It comes with Aldi king’s horses and Aldi kings men.
Some jokes I've collected, and some I made upSome of these I made up, but they are obvious so I don't claim to be the originator.
I thought about going on a Round the World Cruise. But I think that ship has sailed.
I told my wife she'd painted her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
I can see myself working in a mirror factory. But on reflection...
I got offered a job as a mattress tester. I told them I'd have to sleep on it.
I thought about becoming a motivational speaker, but I couldn't be bothered.
I could always go back to work at the helium factory, they still speak very highly of me.
I did a once in a lifetime trip last year. Never again.
Thought of another one - I went into an Army Surplus Store and asked if they had any camouflage jackets. They said yes, but they couldn't find them.
I broke up with my girlfriend because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known. There were red flags everywhere.
My friend has been engaged 5 times, but never married.
That's a lot of near misses.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
Why do pandas loaf around in the zoo?
They're bread in captivity.
A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder.
He got a little behind in his work.
What group do pan-sexual people belong in?
The LGBBQ community.
I'm a big fan of getting accidentally locked into my shoes
Knot.
Really happened (I-5 in CA) - I saw a sign on the freeway that said corn maze ahead, so of course I told my girlfriend "I bet its amazing."
Without missing a beat she replied "your so corny."
The world's largest hand measures in at 11.75 inches
Any thing longer and it becomes a foot.
Adding to the Guillotine Factory JokeOriginal Joke: My friends and I got jobs at the guillotine factory. We'll beheading there tomorrow.
My addition: The boss wants us to increase the beheadings. If not, heads are gonna roll.
You kids might think you're cool
But something that keeps drinks cold is cooler.
How did Mongolia choose its leader in the 1200s?
By weighing the Genghis Pros and Genghis Khans!
What did Yoda say after seeing himself in 4K?
“HDMI”
As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....
"But you already own her home!"
What do you call a Viking prostitute?
A Leif blower
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