They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.
Who the hell runs eight miles in 1 minute?
My mother’s ancestors came from England. One of her relatives was a female court jester for King Richard, known as Lois the Fool, and she is credited with inventing the pun!After regaling the King with her witty little snippets of humor, King Richard asked what she called them. She replied, "Puns, Your Majesty, I call them puns."
The King was so impressed he proclaimed to everyone in his kingdom, "Henceforth and forevermore, let it be known throughout this realm that a pun is...
... the Lois form of humor..."
I caught a fish. I had some trouble identifying the fish, so I asked it “are you a mackerel?
And it said “nah” and then I said “are you a salmon” and it said “nah” so then I figured it out! It must be a “2-nah fish”
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed...
"You idiot! It's three-fifteen in the morning.
What's the surname of a Dutch criminal?
Van De Lism
HOW DO YOU SPOT A BLIND MAN AT A NUDE BEACH?
IT'S NOT HARD!
A friend said my wife and daughter look identical like twins
I told him, 'Well, they were separated at birth.'
If tomb is pronounced TOOMand womb is pronounced WOOM
why isn't bomb pronounced BOOM?
It just might be....................if you're on the receiving end.
I won a Settlement in Court with the Zoo and they paid me in Lions
It’s not much, but at least I have my pride
Police hunting a robber who stole a book about Stradivarius have warned the public not to approach him...
He has a history of violins
Why don't you find many vampires in the financial sector?
Too many stake holders
I'm accused of shooting a man with a bb gun.
The case is being heard in appellate court...
Why should Airbus not go bankrupt?
Because if it did, it would have a whole lot Toulouse.
My date with the supernatural had gone terrible.
She ghosted me
Philadelphia has been accused of not having any dairy in their cream cheese
People are calling it a shmear campaign
Don't call a Jewish person a "square"!
It's anti-symmetric!
Rabbits have taken over the Empire State Capitol.
It’s now All-Bunny New York.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?From a ...
...well, actually...
I make over a million dollars a day even though I barely graduated high school.
This job at the U.S. mint kicks ass.
What do you call a Sugar that can write with both Hands?
Ambidextrose
When i beat eggs I like to figure out for how long by myself
it's a calculated whisk
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit went to a clinic to donate some blood...Nurse (to the rabbit): What's your blood type?
Rabbit: I'm probably a type O.
My wife was standing by the bedroom window in the middle of the night so I asked her what was wrong.She turned around pale as anything and said, "There's a woman looking at me at the back of our garden."
I said, "You've lost the plot, honey, you're not even in the garden."
Seasoning EggsWas talking food last week with my supervisor and a few folks. Salted vs Unsalted butter, Kerry Gold vs other options.
Other participants said they preferred salted butter unless baking, especially for frying eggs.
I argued that unsalted was superior; not trying to avoid salt, just want control over the quantity. Especially for scrambled eggs, as I add salt during mixing to denature the proteins.
Supervisor: "Why limit the salt when beating the eggs? You're already asSALTing them."
Spiders.
Why don’t spiders go to school ? Because they learn everything on the web 😇.
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