What do you call the belly of a woman who’s pregnant with twins?
A two bed womb apartment.
When we were cleaning up a project in the garage, I told my son to put the lids back on the baking soda, borax, and bleach. He asked, “Why?”
I said, “I just want to make sure all our bases are covered.”
How many optometrists does it talk to change a lightbulb?Is it one… or two?
One, or two?
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn't like me critter sizing
What’s the worst vegetable to bring on a boat?
A leek
The guy who invented the Ferris wheel never met the guy who invented the merry-go-round.
They traveled in different circles.
2 Blondes are building a house...1st Blonde... Takes a nail out of her pouch, looks it over, then hammers it into the wall... takes another nail out, checks it over, and throws it away.. she does this for every other nail for a while until the 2nd Blond notices...
2nd Blonde: "Why are you throwing away every other nail???"
1st Blonde: "Because the point is on the wrong side!"
2nd Blonde: "No Dummy! It's Blondes like you that give the rest of us bad names!!!"
"Those nails are for the other side of the wall!"
What do you call two monkey sharing an Amazon account?
Prime mates
All this talk about misogyny...
how come no one ever talks about massage an elbow?
Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Arnold Schwarzenegger are invited to a classical composer themed fancy dress party."I'll be Mozart", says Sylvester.
"I'll be Beethoven", says Jean-Claude.
"I'll be Bach", says Arnold.
I spent $400 on a limo but I didn't get a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
When you excel…
They spreadsheet about you.
I had to congratulate my shoe-maker friend who has only sold extra-large sizes this year.
That's no small feat.
What did the judge say to the dentist when he went for an extraction?
I want you to remove the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
I think someone stole my bed
I will not rest until I find them
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
At least 2, but I don't know how they got inside...
What has five toes but isn't your foot?
My foot.
What did the cook say when they were out of ingredients and had to rush?
I don’t have thyme for this!
If you're watching a black and white film and see some colour...
is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why did the employee get fired from the calendar factory?
Why did the employee get fired from the calendar factory? He took a day off.
I had a dream I was swimming in an Ocean of orange soda
Turns out it was just a Fanta Sea
What did the quarter say when it accidentally bumped into its long-time friend, the nickel?
"What a lovely coin-cidence!"
When Ken fires up the grill, all his ladies line up for a good time.
It’s a Barbie queue.
Did you hear about the judge who had no thumbs???
Justice Fingers……
I was brushing my teeth the other night and I accidentally dropped the tube of toothpaste on the floor...
I guess you could say I was Crestfallen.
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