My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread."Are we expecting guests?" I asked.
"No," she replied.
"Then why did you buy so much bread?"
What is the difference between an asteroid and a meat ball?
One is meteor
What do you call a hippie’s wife…
Mississippi
"The Chain"What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no penis? No fuckin' idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no penis? Still no fuckin' idea.
What do you get when you mix an elephant, a rhinoceros, and a helicopter?
Hel-eph-ino.
Yesterday me and my nephew made a car out of wood
He tried to start it but it wooden start
My mother in law gave me this horrible lamp. I had no choice but to put it in the living room. I accidentally knocked it over this morning
I was delighted
I have a friend who has a bad stuttering problem.
By the time he told is his Nana died, we were all singing "Hey Jude"...
Englishmen dies and arrives at those pearly gates...An English man dies and arrives at the pearly gates where St Peter greets him with "ok I have reviewed your life and you were decent enough, no mortal sins, but you did a few bad things so you have to go to purgatory for a year then you can enter heaven"
The Englishman thinks for a second and asks "can I see heaven quickly first so I know what I will get" and St Peter says OK and opens the Pearly gates. The Englishman looks into heaven and sees beautiful clear blue skies, prestine beaches with beautiful bikini clad women under palm trees sipping cocktails. Looks great he says. He thinks for a bit more and asks can he see hell as well so he can see what he avoided. St Peter says we don't get many such requests but why not and opens a door leading downwards.
The Englishman enters hell sees beautiful clear blue skies, prestine beaches with beautiful bikini clad women under palm trees sipping cocktails.
Looks great he says so what's the problem with hell? He sees the devil in a beach chair under a palm tree and goes up to him and asks "why is hell so nice?"
The Devil responds "Bonjour l'Anglais. En enfer, on vit bien, mais il faut parler français en permanence."
My Dad Joke, but from the child's point of view.I came up with this one on one of the many "voluntold" weekend projects my Dad dragged me and my siblings into.
When someone would ask what happened next, or otherwise asked me something, I would just reply "I don't know. I am just the sired help."
My Dad was mixed angry and proud of me for that one...
I tried using a Bed, Bath, & Beyond discount card to scrape the ice off my windshield.
But I could only get 20% off.
Did you hear about the guy in Paris who had to be pulled out of an industrial bread machine?
He's okay now, but he was in a lot of pain
A guy walks into his doctors office saying, “Help me, doctor, I’m shrinking.” “Hold on,” says the doctor,
“Be a little patient.”
I ordered an Oscar Piastri burger from Grill’d today
It fell apart as it was being warmed up.
I gave my wife a glue stick by accident instead of chapstick
She still isn't talking to me
I always thought orthopedic shoes were overrated.
But I stand corrected.
Fun fact: Koi fish always travel in groups of 4.
If attacked, the A B and C koi will scatter, leaving behind the D koi.
I was at the hot air balloon festival and it was just as they say:
Rising inflation everywhere.
My friend contracted drama induced dyslexia
after he was threatened by a man with a gnu.
What do you call a midsize vehicle with 4 wheels, a flat bed in back, and hops off the ground about once every 20-30 seconds?
A hiccup truck
What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet?
A desserter!
Why did the fish cross the sea
To get to the other tide
People tell me not to put "Short Skirt/Long Jacket" on my Weird Al playlist.
But I will have my Cake and Eat It too.
A man was out in his backyard digging a deep holeA man was out in his backyard digging a deep hole when he suddenly struck something hard. He cleared away the dirt to find a heavy, wooden chest. With trembling hands, he pried it open and found it was filled to the brim with gold coins and ancient jewelry.
Overjoyed, he was about to drop his shovel and run inside to tell his wife the incredible news that they were finally rich beyond their wildest dreams. But then, he paused, looked back down at the deep hole he had been working on all afternoon, and remembered exactly why he was digging in the garden in the first place.
If Mississippi and Missouri swapped clothes,
what would Delaware? I don't know, but Alaska!
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