A swimmer was asked what her favourite stroke was…
She replied “The one that killed Margaret Thatcher”.
I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds
Poor guy
I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing
Except at a funeral
How does a polygamist hippie count his wives?
1 Mrs. Hippie. 2 Mrs. Hippie. 3. Mrs Hippie...
I walked past a farm and saw a sign that read: “Duck, eggs!”I thought, “That comma seems unnecessary…”
Then it hit me.
My son came up to me crying."I'm getting bullied at school, dad. The children think I'm arrogant."
"Are they in your class?" I asked.
He said, "No, I'm much better obviously."
I was walking down the street this morning when I was suddenly hit by a violin, a clarinet, and a french horn…
…I think it was an orchestrated attack!
When I feel lonely, I buy some shares at the stock market.
It's nice to have some company.
Dogs can bark up to 500 times a day…
…that’s just a RUFF estimate.
If you're broke...What type of car should you buy?
Whichever one you can. A Ford.
My son just opened a cookie from Panda Express and it had no piece of paper inside.
How unfortunate.
My balloon elephant wouldn’t fit in the backseat of my car…
…so I had to pop it in the trunk. 🤣
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?…
…your pupils. They dilate! 🤣
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies
She is not “fun to be around.”
I accidentally confused the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza”…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
What happens when someone eats aluminum foil?
They sheet metal
Now that the US and Canada have been eliminated from the World Cup, I feel like there’s no reason for people who aren’t fans of soccer in those countries to continue to follow the tournamentBut then I remember that Switzerland is still in it.
That’s a big plus
I never planned on becoming a professional grave digger.
I sorta just fell into it.
I can’t believe there are people out there who’ll pay a doctor just to remove a band-aid.
What a rip-off!
If Americans smile....
Do Europeans skilometer?
I went to the mechanic, and he told me my car needs new brakes
I told him, "I don't need them, all they do is slow me down."
I have this incredible ability to predict what’s inside a wrapped present…
…it’s a gift! 😝
On a date with a cannibal, I mentioned to her that I came from a blended family.
She lit up and said, “Ooh… I love smoothies!”
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looks surprised
My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
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