I got asked out by five girls today!
I was definitely in the wrong bathroom.

My wife says that I don't respect her privacy.
At least that's what it says in her diary.

What kind of bees produce milk?
Boobees

I rushed to the hospital after hearing my mother had been admitted. I asked, “What happened…is she okay?!” The doctor explained she got stuck in a handstand during her yoga class and warned me, “Everything is upside down to her for now.”
I walked into her room and was like, “Wow¡”

My wife asked me if I could clear the dining room table before dinner
It took me 3 attempts and a substantial run up, but I fucking nailed it

If the founding fathers were anti-gay, why did Washington always brag about going home to...
mount Vernon?

Fun Fact: George Washington employed poultry for counter-espionage efforts against the Loyalists.
He called it Operation Chicken Cacciatore.

What did the police officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest.

You can take my fireworks when you pry them from my cold, dead hands
Which are over there on the sidewalk.

🇺🇸🧨🎇

I couldn't find anyone to sing with me...
So I bought a duet yourself kit.

I really appreciate the laminate countertops in our new kitchen.
My wife took it for granite though.

I once dated a meter maid
She was fine

!BREAKING! Police are searching for a gang who stole ropes from the local toy shop.
It’s believed they’ve skipped town

I had to take a week off work because my cow was sick.
My boss thinks I'm milking it.

Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.

This Independence Day, please remember it’s not “firecracker” that term is very offensive to some people.
It’s fire Caucasian

What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad.

Look, if you're an Argentina fan, a win is a win
even if it was a little Messi.

I want to die quietly in my sleep like my grandfather
Not screaming and crying like the passengers on his bus.

What do you call a twitchy cow?
Beef jerky

A revolution event
Back in 1776, during the War of Independence, there were folks that remained loyal to King George III of England and were known as Tories. One such person was a spy, unbeknownst to the local Minutemen (gee, a known spy?). Each night he would sneak around the town listening in on colonialists' conversations and peeking into their homes.

One night he was seen through the window and the owner ran out to try to apprehend the spy. But the spy wasn't found. But then there came a ruckus from the neighbor's chicken coop. The alarm was raised and a search party entered the coop but they couldn't find the spy.

As they were leaving, one of the roosters started crowing, even though it was late in the evening, and pecking at the ground covered in straw. The searchers raked away the straw and found the spy hiding.

For it's help in catching the spy the townspeople decreed that the rooster should never be subjected to the oven and they posted a proclamation to that effect to honor the first chicken to catch a Tory.

When I layed down in bed I saw a Chinese man above me..
It was C. Ling

How many hot dogs can Joey Chestnut eat on an empty stomach?
One, after that it’s not empty.