A swimmer was asked what her favourite stroke was…
She replied “The one that killed Margaret Thatcher”.
How does a polygamist hippie count his wives?
1 Mrs. Hippie. 2 Mrs. Hippie. 3. Mrs Hippie...
I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing
Except at a funeral
A weasel goes into a bar. The bartender says “Interesting. I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds
Poor guy
My son just opened a cookie from Panda Express and it had no piece of paper inside.
How unfortunate.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory
When I feel lonely, I buy some shares at the stock market.
It's nice to have some company.
I walked past a farm and saw a sign that read: “Duck, eggs!”I thought, “That comma seems unnecessary…”
Then it hit me.
Why are pubic hairs curly?
So they dont poke your eye out
My mom and my dad were quite the opposite:
My mom was always right and my dad left.
My son came up to me crying."I'm getting bullied at school, dad. The children think I'm arrogant."
"Are they in your class?" I asked.
He said, "No, I'm much better obviously."
I was walking down the street this morning when I was suddenly hit by a violin, a clarinet, and a french horn…
…I think it was an orchestrated attack!
What’s a frog’s favorite outfit
A jumpsuit
What happens when someone eats aluminum foil?
They sheet metal
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum?
A chew chew train
If you're broke...What type of car should you buy?
Whichever one you can. A Ford.
Dogs can bark up to 500 times a day…
…that’s just a RUFF estimate.
Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
I went to the mechanic, and he told me my car needs new brakes
I told him, "I don't need them, all they do is slow me down."
What do you call the life of the party at a zoo?
A party animal
Did they have horses in the army?
No, but they had horses in the neigh-vy.
My balloon elephant wouldn’t fit in the backseat of my car…
…so I had to pop it in the trunk. 🤣
I can’t believe there are people out there who’ll pay a doctor just to remove a band-aid.
What a rip-off!
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?…
…your pupils. They dilate! 🤣
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