My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver.
How do you turn six into nine without adding anything or rotating it?
Remove the "s".
Police Officer: "Why are you driving around with a book in your hands?"
Driver: "It's a long story..."
I bought a wooden car. It's got wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden seats, wooden wheels, even a wooden key. Guess what?
Wooden start
What do you call a Salmon wearing a bowtie?
Sofishticated
My son came to me and said, “Did you know the Spanish word for cheese isn’t cheese?”
I said, “K, so?”
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors
Because if it had 4 it would be a chicken Sedan
My job in Zimbabwe is applying a spray to soften the leather straps attached to a horses bit…
I mist the reins down in Africa
Why don’t Google employees ever get constipated?
Because their Fiber is so reliable.
I saw Mr Hackman in a bathroom once. He was washing his hands, so I said
Hygiene
I just came across my husband’s Tinder profile, and I am so angry about his lies.
He is not “fun to be around!”
Sweden and Denmark hold the record for most wars fought between two countriesHowever, none have happened since Denmark got LEGO and Sweden got IKEA.
These days, it just takes them forever to assemble the army!
While Black Friday shopping at the vitamin store, someone hit me in the head with a bottle of Omega-3
Fortunately, the damage was only super fish oil
Don’t spell ‘part’ backwards
It’s a trap!
All kids are kind
but German kids are Kinder.
Did you hear about the massive sale at the Lego store?
People were lining up for blocks!!
I couldn't catch the man who put a virus on my computer.
He ran somewhere.
I went to a very good Vietnamese restaurant but don’t remember the name
I think it was called “Pho Get”
What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A Labracabrador
My wife asked me how much I spent on the large bottle of wine.
I said “twenty minutes.” Apparently that was not an acceptable answer.
I invented this one today and my kids enjoyed it. Did you hear about the ballet that’s all about toilet humor?
It’s called The Buttcracker.
My son was devastated when he lost the starting pitcher position to another kid on his little league baseball team.
He came out of left field.
The skids in my toilet bowl hate me...
I piss them off all the time.
What did 0 say to 8
Nice belt.
Why is hot soup the dorkiest food?
Because it’s not cool.
top
