Apparently the “W” fell off the door for the women’s restroom.It’s not a good sign.
Had to repost due to spelling correction sabotage.
I had a car accident the other day. The driver was a dwarf. He got out and said he was not happy.
So I said, which one are you then?
I know that Argentina plays Messi….
But I didn’t realize they played Dirty too.
What do Winnie the Pooh and Alexander the Great have in common?
Their middle names.
My friends tell me the salads I make tend to be on the dry side.
It's definitely something that needs addressing.
Sunday was a sad day
But the day before was a Sadder Day
My dad used to say to me 'when one door closes another one opens'
He was a great philosopher but a terrible cabinet maker.
Had my wife howling with this Labyrinth joke...We've had problems with ants appearing on our cooker recently, and we can't figure out where from.
After yet another night, my wife was ranting, "I don't understand it, where are these ants coming from???"
I said: "David Bowie would know."
She said: "Umm, what?
I started singing "ANTS, magic ants, maaagic ants, magic ants, maaagic ants..."
On his deathbed, my grandfather said, “Remember these two words. They’ll open a lot of doors for you in life.”
"Push and Pull."
Why is GenZ so happy to see Tom Hiddleston in the Avengers: Doomsday trailer?
Because he's lowk their favorite.
What’s the point of Rorschach tests?
I don’t know what other people see in them.
[META] My dad created a group text for dad jokes.
My dad and I don't text or talk on the phone often, except for occasional sports talk, but over the past couple of years he started sending me and my brother the occasional dad joke in a group text. My mom has said that he sometimes spends a lot of time thinking of one and is pretty proud to show her when it gets a good reaction from us. Both his mom and dad died over the last year, and since then he added my cousin to the group as well. We all send jokes on occasion, and whenever there is a particularly good one, we'll riff on it for the whole day. I'm never deleting that text chain as long as I live. This subreddit has given me some gold whenever I really just want to stay in touch with the three of them. Just wanted to say thanks for that. You're doing the Lord's work.
just got hospitalized for being cringe.
they put me in the awk ward.
I’ve been stressing about the results of my HIV test
I’ve been trying to stay positive though
I tried to walk like an Egyptian..
Now I need Cairo Practor..
I don't have a drinking problem, I have a drinking mystery
Trying to solve which of my problem's motivating me to drink.
how does NASA throw a party?
they planet 🪐
My barber told me some terrible news. He said he couldn't cut my hair any longer...
He said he could only cut it shorter.
A man drives his boat out to sea to a nearby fishing spot.He catches a fish on the very first cast. When he pulls it in, the fish begins talking to him.
“I could hear your boat coming 10 minutes ago. This is because sound travels four times faster in seawater than air. Researchers say this is also why whales can communicate hundreds of miles apart.”
The fisherman says, “Wow, you’re a really intelligent fish!”
The fish says, “I’m really here to distract you from catching the rest of my family. Because I’m a read herring.”
I Finally Cracked the Illusive 3 Word Joke (my personal record for shortest joke)“Watches are handy”
I like it because you get a triple play on the handy: handy as in convenient, handy as in the watch has hands, and handy as in a wrist is near your hand, making it “handy”.
Anyway, do you have any 3 word jokes or shorter? This is my personal record, but I love joke craft so hit me with em.
Why can’t you send a duck to outer space?
Because the bill would be astronomical.
Tennis.Have you ever heard of “quiet tennis?”
It's the same as regular tennis but without the racket.
Don't invest in the lollipop business...
That market's for suckers.
Have you seen those new belts made out of watches?
They're a complete waist of time.
Argentina crossed every line in the WC final.
Well, every one except the goal line.
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