Police Officer: "Why are you driving around with a book in your hands?"
Driver: "It's a long story..."
Fight with my wifeMy wife asked me, “Did you eat the last piece of cake in the refrigerator?” I said, “No, I ate it in the living room.”
And, that’s how the fight started
I told my friend it looked like she’d been gardening topless recently. She said, “Wow… what gave it away?”
I said, “It’s pretty obvious you got breast in plants.”
I think I might be allergic to the new espresso machine.
Every time I use it, it makes me a little coughy.
My wife Lee asked me if I was having trouble hearing in my left ear.
Yes I'm definitely
An atom walks into a barBartender: hey atom, you don’t look very happy today.
Atom: I lost an electron
Bartender: are you sure?
Atom: I am positive!
I want a gun that shoots out wooden benches, instead of bullets.
I'd walk into a church with no seating and be like: pew pew pew. pew pew. pew pew pew
One vintage joke about a very old manThree Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
My Bluetooth speaker wasn’t working, so I threw it into the lake.
Now its syncing
During dinner, I asked my date from a small town in Alabama if she’d ever watched anime.
Her face lit up. “Oh yeah! I used to babysit her all the time!”
I thought it would lighten the mood to tell dad jokes at the funeral.
But apparently he can’t hear me anymore.
I asked a supermarket worker where they kept the tinned peaches.He said, "I'll see," and walked away.
I asked another and he also said, "I'll see," and walked away.
In the end I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.
I write a lot of my jokes on my iphone...
but it's always fucking up the lunch line.
My wife asked for help as her car was broken down as the engine was flooded. I said where is the car now?
She said, it's in the Lake.
What do you call a psychic who only sees good futures?
An optimystic.
What’s your best dog related dadjoke?It can be other pet or animal related jokes too.
My neighbor named his dog 5 miles so he can say he walks 5 miles everyday.
Well today, I accidentally drove over 5 miles…
What are your others?
I was told that I shouldn't double-dip my breadsticks.
So I made a snap decision.
My phone can identify a tree just by seeing the secretions from its bark.
I use What Sap.
What's inside a genie's turkey?
Wishbones.
Why did Jensen Huang cheat on his wife?
He’s a pretty SLI guy.
What kind of key opens any lock?
A pi-key!
My wife is furious with me. She realized I was cheating when she found the letter that I had hidden.
We’re never playing Scrabble again.
the antiproton asks the antielectron:
"what's the antimatter with you?"
I’m really having a rough time breaking my addiction to old sitcoms.
I’ve decided to just take it One Day At A Time.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
I can’t seem to put it down.
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