One eggMy wife delivered this one yesterday. I told her I don't want to hear any complaints about dad jokes for a long time now. It definitely belongs here.
So, she was pulling together a full on breakfast wish hash browns, biscuits, sausage, and eggs, turned to me and said two eggs for you, I assume? I said yes. She said, I think I'll be French today and have one.
I raised an eyebrow as I tried to puzzle it out and she came to my rescue with "because one egg is un œuf (enough)." Groans ensued, but I had to give her credit for that one.
I got caught stealing Viagra from the pharmacy where I work ...I thought I was going to get fired.
Instead I got a big raise.
My doctor said I'd be on my feet in 2 weeks.And he was right!
I had to sell my car to pay the medical bill.
What do you get when you cross marijuana with a potato?
A baked potato
When my buddy was a kid, his dad would roll his brother and him down hills in large tires.
Yep, he said, "Those were the 'Goodyears.'
What is a cat's favorite color?
Purrple.
Thought they spelled "LICKER STORE" wrong,
until I saw that all they sold were Ice Cream Cones, Envelopes, Stamps and Puppies.
My son asked me, “How do you start a dad joke?”Me: “Oh, once a pun a time…”
My son: “I see, so it has to be an old joke.”
My son is at that age where he wants to join a rock band. I told him I played in a band when I was his age.
My band was called The Hinges and we opened for The Doors
How do seashells stay clean?
The wash up on the beach.
Mountains aren’t just funny
They’re hill areas
I got fired from the clock factory.
I thought putting in "extra hours" was a good thing?
What’s the difference between a circus and a brothel?
A circus has a cunning array of stunts
My wife suggested I compile my dad jokes into a book.
I think thats a novel idea.
What time does Sean Connery want to play racquet sports, and what will you play?
Ten-ish
Was hungry and got offered to try Alligator for the first time.
I said "Yeah and make it snappy."
Where does a chicken put its schoolwork?
In a bawk-pack
You wanna hear a paper joke
Nevermind it's tearable
What did Neptune change his name to once he became a Dad?
Punseidon
My son was born on a national holiday
It was Labor Day
Indecisive
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
13-year-old: Did you know that dogs have smooth tongues and cats have rough tongues?
Me: Hmm, I would have thought that dogs were the ones with “ruff” tongues!
What does god call his nose?
God knows
It’s Sunday, and I told my family that tomorrow we’re going to the local maternity ward to cheer on the expectant mothers.
You know, to celebrate Labor Day.
(really hard to set up a time dependent joke that only works for a US audience)
Never ask your wife where she wants to eat. Ask her, "Guess where I'm taking you!?"And whatever she says is where you go.
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