I was gonna tell all of you a joke about mixing Helium with other elements, but then I decided not to . . .
I knew I wouldn’t get a reaction
William Shatners' new line of womens' lingerie has been tanking in sales
There were probably better names than Shatner Panties
I pleaded, “Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!” He said, "Repeat infractions?" I responded...
"Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!"
How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump said he did it and they all clap in the dark
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.“Yes,” he said. “My Grandad taught me.”
“Good. So what comes after eight?”
“Nine,” answered Johnny.
“And what comes after nine?”
“Ten.”
“And what comes after ten?”
“The jack.”
When I was a kid we were so poor that my dad served a 1/1000th scoop of ice cream for dessert.
He called it a Milli Vanilli.
When does a joke turn into a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent
I don’t know how she keeps making blockbusters….
But Anne Hathaway.
Do you want cheddar "and" prov cheese on your burger?
Or just provolone?
What do you call a woman who lights all her bills on fire?
Bernadette
I call the day I left prison my period
Because a period marks the end of a sentence.
I asked my wife to put on a Mandalorian outfit
I guess I have a Boba Fettish..
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism.
It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to refract.
Have you heard of the Irishman who can bounce off walls?
Rick O'Shea
My job as a customs officer is really affecting my health.
All those seizures.
What do you call two men sitting on a window?
Kurt n Rod.
Have you heard of the bird that makes fun of everyone?
He parroties everything.
Why is it so difficult change a light bulb?
Everyone who tries keeps screwing up
Every time I create a profile on Reddit it gives me a vampire-related username.
Guess something's up with the Create Account button.
This man was about to throw dough, cheese, and tomatoes at me…
I said, “You wanna pizza me?”
I made a ladder into a canoe
Now, I’m gonna sit right down and ride myself a ladder.
I have a pet marine mammal that double-checks all my decisions.
It's my seal of approval.
I have a joke about a girl who only eats plants
But you probably never heard of herbivore
What is the slogan of Tigger's plumbing company?
"Looking for Pooh"
What happens to a house if it’s bit by a werewolf?
Does it become a warehouse?
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