Got the wife so good earlierToddler:
does something mischievous Wife: "Oooh, I wonder where he gets THAT from?!" looks at me
Me: "I know exactly who he gets that from. In fact, I hung a picture of the culprit in the bathroom right above the sink."
Wife: "...wait, really?"
Me: "Yeah, go look."
To my astonishment and delight, she actually goes into the bathroom and looks above the sink where, of course, she sees her reflection in the bathroom mirror
She comes back out shaking her head in defeat. She tries to glare at me but she can't help but smile.
I still got it, folks!
Flight Attendant:" Window or Aisle?"
"Window or you'll what?"
As I was dropping my son off on his first day of school, he worriedly looked at me and asked, “How long do I have to go to school for?” Smiling, I responded, “Until you’re 18 buddy!" He nodded, thought about it for a bit and said...
“Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I’m 18, won’t you?”
I always start with a joke about a door handle.
It’s a great opener.
Dad-Knock knock. Son-Who's there? Dad-Hike. Son- Hike who?Unsuspecting son
Dad waiting with bated breath
Sets the perfect trap
Whats the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is breaking the law, and the other is a sick bird.
What do you call an elephant the circus no longer needs?
Irrelephant
“Burger” backwards…
… is Scooby Doo offering to give you a leg massage
Cannibal puns
We've been told that cannibal puns are in poor taste, so we had to try out the new fast food cannibal place, "Five Guys." I wanted to try a number of items on the menu, so I ordered their manwich, then a rump roast, with some headcheese and a side order of kidney pie. We sat around and chewed the fat for awhile.
Two vikings are in a bar.One says "I finally got my dream car."
Other viking says "You got the Mustang?"
First Viking says "No, It's a Fjord!"
Apparently, Giraffes can grow up to 18 feet.
But every single one I've seen had only four.
Im currently in the market for a new job, my dad said i should look into becoming a gynecologist
He said there were a lot of openings
"Comfortable?" Asked the waiter
"No sir, I come for food."
How do you make a tissue dance
Put a little boogie in it.
What’s the difference between a golf ball and a Mercedes?
Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 300 yards without hitting a tree
I told my friend 10 jokes to make him laugh.
Sadly, no pun in ten did.
How is prison better than marriage?
There’s a chance you might get pardoned.
At dinner, my frustrated date said, “so napping and sitting around are seriously your only hobbies?? You told me that you were interesting!”
“No, no,” I corrected, “I said that I was into resting.”
" Sir your wife is angry because you never buy her flowers."
"I never knew my wife sold flowers??"
I don’t mind eating insects.
First time, I’ll probably have butterflies in my stomach.
Why did the mollusk not receive Christmas gifts?
Because Santa put him on the nautilus!
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
Because they don't have the guts to do so
Old Generals never die.
Only their privates do.
Why is this time of year Arnold Schwarzenegger’s favourite?
Because he has to love Easter, baby.
What do you call a sick Eagle?
ILL- EAGLE
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