I used to have an uncontrollable obsession with buying large boats.
Thankfully, the antibuyyachtics worked.
How much smaller is the EU after Brexit?
1 GB.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
A sheik is trying to buy up every fish and chip shop in the UK
He's called Sultan Vinegar.
My sister met her husband at a Scrabble tournament 20 years ago.
Next week they are going to renew their vowels...
I have a fear of driving under bridges with passengers in my car.
I have carpool tunnel syndrome.
I was shocked to read in the papers today that a midget has been pickpocketed...
How could someone stoop so low...
Our hearts go out to the family of Bob, after his unfortunate accident with the combine.
He is very much mist.
This is my cake day joke
It has layers
Where do Zombies Usually Live?
Dead ends.
Despite common beliefs, Pontius Pilate didn’t invent Pilates…
He invented CrossFit!
Our hearts go out....
To all the autopsy surgeons in the world.
Happy Pythagorean Theorem DayIf you get my angle, it just seems so right for those followers of three sided shapes.
This joke has a best before date of 10^2 + 24^2 = 26^2
Have you heard of the benefits of dried grapes?
I’m all about raisin awareness.
Where do baby ghosts go while their parents go to work?
To day scare
Possibly my finest hourMy wife and I came down with whatever violent cold is going around, sneezing, coughing, miserable. We got over it, but just couldn't shake the cough. After a few days, I was talking to a friend about it, and he mentioned getting an over-the-counter thing that really helped, so I bought a couple of boxes online. When they were delivered, my wife saw what they were and immediately got upset.
"You know I just got cold medicine a few days ago! You could have just asked where it was, and now we've got boxes and boxes of the stuff, and we'll have to store it, and it'll just be sitting around for years, and....."
When she finally wound down, I said, "You're right, I shouldn't have gotten it. I should have known you'd get upset. It even warned me."
"Huh?"
"Yeah, it says here on the box: 'Expect a rant.'"
The critics loved my painting of a Jack in the Box.
They said I really mastered the art of surprise.
What did the zombie want with Rapunzel
BRAAAIIIIDS
There's a new competitor for Discord on the internet.
It's called Datcord.
What did the dismissive cheese say when I told it a dad joke?
Kay…so?
What is Snoop Dogg's favorite weather?
Drizzle
I used to be a night stocker, but now I just check people out.
Grocery store joke.
What do you call a pensioner who just scored 3 goals?
Gerry hat-trick
I was arrested for playing loud music in a vegetable garden.
Charged with disturbing the peas.
My dad's penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.
Until I told him to take it out
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