Did you know Yoda doesn't believe in the existence of the triangle?
Only the doangle and donotangle. There is no triangle.
[NSFW] This one is a bit tasteless, so be forewarned...
Water
I came out of the shower naked this morning and said, “Honey, close the bedroom curtains, I don't want the neighbors to see me naked”
She replied, “Don’t worry, if they do they'll close theirs!”
World’s wisest manBob had terrible BO and no matter how much he washed & scrubbed he couldn't get rid of it. He tried hundreds of soaps & shampoos but nothing seemed to work. He showered 5 times a day, kept the AC on 24/7 & avoided garlic & beans like the plague
alas, people still gagged as they walked behind him.
Disheartened and down to his last few dollars, Bob walked sullenly down the street. On the corner of the block was a sign that read “World's Wisest Man! A solution to all your problems or your money back!'
Intrigued, Bob went in. After a short wait he was ushered in to a small room, where a monk with a long beard was meditating. A nameplate on one wall read “Weng Li”
Before Bob could say a word, Weng Li began to speak. 'Heed my words child. I know of the issues that plague you.”
Take this insect and let it climb along yourself every morning.”
Bewildered, Bob took the jar containing the bug and left. His his odor had ruined his life for years. Surely even this was worth a shot? Once home, he started to fall asleep.
He let the bug out and it all over him climbed on him for several minutes. Suddenly, Bob realized his odor was gone. Jumping for joy, he ran back into town to thank Weng Li.
“Weng Li! Weng Li! I dont smell anymore! How did you know that the bug would work?” Bob cried.
Weng Li gave a mysterious smile and said, “The moment my eyes fell upon you I knew all you needed was a deodor-ant.”
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
“Put me in coach”
What country can swim?
Wales
My son texted me after his dinner date last night and said, “Dad, it was great! And guess what… she’s a content creator!”
I replied, “Well, whatever she makes, I’m happy to hear she’s satisfied with it.”
8 bees can kill you but if you add 1 more bee you are safe.
Because it’s bee 9.
Will invisible planes ever be a thing?
I can’t see them taking off
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair
Virgin Mobile
I just couldn't bring myself to quit my job at the bakery.
I was underpaid and the hours were lousy, but I kneaded the dough.
My wife told me she was giving me the silent treatment for two days.Honestly, I thought, this is it… this is peace.
Day one? Bliss.
Day two? Still quiet. I’m starting to think I’ve unlocked a life hack.
Then day three comes…
She walks into the room, looks at me, and says:
“Are you not even going to ask why I was upset?”
And that’s when I realized…
the silent treatment wasn’t punishment… it was just the loading screen.
What does a bee use to brush its hair?
A honeycomb
Why was the geography student scared?
His grades were below C-level
The crows have lost their ability to speak.
We are looking into the Caws
Why was the picture sent to jail?
It was framed.
what's able to fly and has many toes?
a mosqui-toes
I was going to cook alligator for dinner...
But then I realized I only have a croc pot.
What's a Marine's favorite type of sushi?
A combat roll.
Why do sandwich shops do so well when n Alabama
Because they like everything in bread
My skydiving instructor always takes his time to answer any of our first timer questions..
One guy asked, “if my primary chute doesn’t open, and the reserve doesn’t open, how long do I have before I hit the ground?” Our Jumpmaster looked at him very seriously and answered, “the rest of your life”
I think my SatNav is broken.
The other day it said 'Bear Left', but it was actually just a rabbit.
Did you hear about the exotic dancer that fell off stage?
She’s collecting twerkmans comp
I just finished a tough negotiation to buy a truckload of raw metals.
It was quite the ore deal.
A city man was driving through the countryside when he saw a farmer with a massive herd of cattle.Impressed, he pulled over and asked, "That's a fine herd you've got there. How much milk do they produce each year?"
The farmer asked, "Which ones? The black cows or the white cows?"
"Let's say the black ones," the man replied.
"They produce about 10,000 liters a year," said the farmer.
"And the white ones?" asked the visitor.
"They produce about 10,000 liters a year too," the farmer said.
Puzzled, the man asked, "Well, what about their feed? How much do they eat?"
"Which ones? The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer asked again.
"The black ones," said the man.
"They eat about 20 kilos of grass a day," the farmer answered.
"And the white ones?"
"The white ones eat about 20 kilos of grass a day too," the farmer said.
The man, now thoroughly confused, asked, "Why do you keep asking me 'which ones' if the answer is always the same?"
The farmer replied, "Because the black ones are mine".
"Ah," said the man. "And the white ones?"
"The white ones are mine too," the farmer answered.
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