Did you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you, and realize how lucky you are? ...
I just did and apparently I won't be able to fly on this airline anymore.
This sub makes me look like an idiot geniusA couple years ago, one of my coworkers brought in her 6m baby. As I was gushing, I asked, "Did the doctors tell you about her kidneys?"
She got a bit confused and just looked at me.
"She was born with four kidneys."
A short look of panic followed
"But in about 18 years, two of them will turn into adult knees."
Tony (his real name, cause it doesn't matter) bent over with laughter. Couldn't really tell that he bent over though, cause he's so short š
Fast forward to last week and I see Tony in the hallway at work. He starts telling me about he pulled off, "the kidney joke," with his newborn nephew and he can't stop laughing about it. So I say to him...
"Oh man, I bet you gave an excellent delivery, cause you're pretty much in the same situation."
He looks at me confused...
"You were born without shins, that's why they call you toe knee, isn't it?"
I'm sorry. I know this sub is not for rants but...
A Catholic priest just hit me with his thurible for no reason and I'm incensed.
I named my son IE.
I was trying to make an example out of him.
My obese parrot just died.....
It is sad, but itās a weight off my shoulders.
Someone tried to sell me a coffin today.
I said thatās the last thing I need.
Why do actors say ābreak a legā instead of āgood luckā?
Well, if you break a leg before auditioning for a role, you get casted!
i drove 75 miles in a snowstorm to get a part for my computer.
it was a hard drive.
My 8 year old had a nightmare that he was being eaten by our vacuum cleaner..
I said, āThatās a terrible way to Dyson.ā
What did they call the first person to bake a pie?
š A pie-oneer.
I'm so angry that EA has exclusive rights to make NFL video games.
It's truly maddening.
Why should you never trust a train?
They have loco motives.
Had an idea for a build your own hotdog restaurant
It's called 'what's the wurst that could happen'
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps,
But Iām slowly getting over it. . .
Iād tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants
But you probably never heard of herbivore
Which nationality tends to do the worst on X Factor?
Singapore
My mom's two sisters told me that if, for any reason, I am incapacitated, one will sit by my side day and night. The other will go out and destroy whoever put me in that state.
They are my vigil aunties.
When I become President, I will make it mandatory for everyone to keep a musical instrument in their cars while they drive them.
I want to cause traffic jams.
What do you call a male mermaid?
A Mer-man. But if heās fancy, heās a Sea-nior.
What did the traffic light say to the truck?
"Don't look, I'm changing"
I had an argument with a lemon.
Iām fine but heās still bitter
Accidentally swallowed 2 pieces of string and they came out tied together!
I shit you knot.
What do you call orcas caught in a fishing net?
A podcast
My wife said she would divorce me if I didnāt get over my obsession with flamingos
So I had to put my foot down. . .
A Star Trek PA couldnāt find Dr. McCoyā¦
On the set of the original Star Trek, a PA was sent to find Dr. McCoy, who was on break in a nearby grove.
He came back empty-handed ā he couldnāt find DeForest for the trees.
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