Do you know why the shopping place is called “the mall”?
Because instead of going to one store, you can go to them all.
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel?
An inn grown hare
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?” I replied, "Sure, why not?!" He smiled and said, “No problem sir!"
"Today is special!"
You think gas and electric bills are expensive but have you seen chimneys?
They’re through the roof.
Why did Han Solo send his steak back?
Because it was Chewy.
The bodybuilder bee’s wife comes home and finds a letter from him.The letter says: “Honey, I’m sorry but I must leave you to pursue my dream of becoming a monk.”
Devastated, she meets with her friend at the bee bar and pours her heart out to her.
Her friend listens to everything and after she’s finished, the friend says:
“Well, to be honest I’m not surprised. He’s always been a strong bee leaver.”
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
I’ve read one page of Lord of the Rings, every day for more than ten years…
..I just can’t kick the hobbit
Mom used to feed me alphabet soup because she said I really liked it -- I didn't though,,,
she was just putting words in my mouth.
I’m reading a novel where the main character has strained the muscles around his spine.
That’s his back story.
How's the ganglord of all Peruvian animals called?
Alpacone.
I tried to be a stand up comedian. I told jokes about ice cream, but I got booed off the stage.
I thought it was good humor.
I can guess what people do for a living just by looking at their hands….
I mean, I’m usually wrong, but I can guess.
Do you know how Han and Chewie stay in touch when they are not together ?
Wookiee-talkiees
Becoming a master of the stealthy dad jokes…
We had some trees removed from the backyard. The chainsaw guy was telling me it’s a good thing we took down one of the trees because there were a bunch of ants high up in the tree.
I asked him very seriously, “What about uncles, were there any uncles?”
He s stopped for a moment and then started laughing uncontrollably and told me, “Omg, that’s awesome. I haven’t heard that one before!”
What does the gingerbread man put on his bed?
Cookie sheets.
How does Moses make his morning coffee?
He-brews it.
My wife got hooked on protein powder.
In the end, she passed a whey.
Asked Siri why I was still single
B**ch opened up the front facing camera.
I tried to have a relationship with the world's most beautiful sniper.
But, I knew from the beginning it was a long shot.
What did the Dalia Lama say we he walked into a pizzeria?
Can you please make me one with everything?
I was a victim of a kidnapping today.
I made that little shit get off my lawn!
I recently went to a new zoo, where only one animal, a dog, was on display
It was a ShihTzu
Cinderella isn’t going to fare well in the World Cup…
If she keeps running away from the Ball.
How do you make a hotdog stand?
Take away its chair
top
