"Thank you for calling the urology department..."
"Can you please hold?"
What do you call a man who is overly prepared?
Justin Case
I entered ten puns into a pun competition:
I hoped at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.
I offered a helping hand at Target today. Got zero appreciation.
My wife and I were walking through Target when an employee in front of us dropped a mannequin’s arm. Since her hands were full holding the rest of the mannequin, she couldn't bend down to pick it up.
Naturally, I picked it up, held it out to her, and said, "Here, let me give you a hand."
She took it in total silence. My wife just stared at me.
What do you call a Viking who lost his boat?
A Hiking.
My wooden car
I went to a car auction today and I bought a wooden car. It’s really cool, everything is made of wood. It has a wooden body, wooden wheels and wooden tires, a wooden engine, wooden transmission and wooden seats. It even has a wooden key! But when I went to drive it home, it wooden start!
A guy walks into a shoe store and says, “Do you have any alligator shoes?”
“We sure do,” replies the assistant. “What size shoes does your alligator wear?”
I left my job in tyre shop.
Just too much pressure.
There was a pasta who sabatoged a Broadway awards show
Rigatoni
I went fishing with my dad today, we chartered a boat. Half way in he has to use the restroomHe tells me
Son I have to use the restroom, can you hold my pole?
I tell him
Sorry dad you're gonna have to do that on your own.
Gotta say I was proud of that one, we had a good laugh, and had a damn good haul. Good day
Why do you never see the mother or father of someone transgender?
Because they’re transparent.
What are the shittiest kind of slacks?
X slacks.
My 19yo daughter just dropped this on me: How can you tell if you're having dinner with a termite?
They order the house salad.
Today I found a coin with bite marks all over it…
I guess it was a bitcoin.
You know what's worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles
What should we name our piglets?
Chris P. Bacon
I've been having a really hard time lately but then I remembered what they always say "better living through chemistry"
so I baked a cake.
What does the moon do when he needs a haircut?
Eclipse it.
I was a great high jumper in college. One day, I took my pole to the Magic Kingdom…
I decided to Vault Disney World.
We have a mole in the CIA.
This week, it's my turn to clean its cage.
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey
But I turned myself around
What has four stander uppers, four puller downers, two lookers, two hookers, and a swishy wishy?
A cow.
I don’t see what’s so great about the bottomless shrimp deal at Red Lobster
As far as I know shrimp don’t wear pants anyway
Bobby Flay has a sister who is also a chef
Her name is Sue
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé after he proposed?
Feyoncé
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