I won $10 million in the lottery and decided to donate a quarter of it to charityNow I have to figure out what to do with the other $9,999,999.75
My wife told me that I spend so much time reading about naval history and building model ships that I'm starting to resemble a boat.
I gave her a stern look
My wife told me to stop being an idiot, and just be myself.
I told her to make up her mind.
After an argument, a man sat in his man cave throwing darts at a photo of his wife but not a single one was hitting the target…His wife yelled from upstairs, “What in the hell are you doing?”
He replied, “Missing you!”
What do you call a dog on a submarine?
Subwoofer (I'll see myself out)
Earning the title of "Dad" one bad joke at a timeSince we'll be out of town next week, my gals decided to celebrate Father's Day today. We went out for sushi for lunch. As usual, I ordered the spicy maki combo and an "Out of Control" roll. Most of the food arrived, but my special roll was still being made.
Soon enough, the waitress arrived with the last of my food. "Here you go. Your Out of Control." I responded, "Thanks, people tell me that all the time."
My wife rolled her eyes so hard, I'm pretty sure her retinas detached.
When I was on trial, my proctologist served as a key character witness. Later, I asked him why he decided to help me out.
He said, "It's not just you. I stand behind all my patients."
When grandma suspected grandad of cheating she was like a dog with a bone.
She buried him in the garden.
If you write "5318008" on a calculator and turn it upside down,
you can see the back of a calculator.
They closed the local bridge today...
I still can't get over it.
I used to work with a woman called Ina
Whenever anyone would say Hi Ina, she'd laugh her head off.
I asked the Dr what vitamins are the best to make me feel like I was before I was 13
He said, B12
What do you call a master of weaving yarn or thread into cloth?
A Loom-inary.
How fast do you have run when you're late for your flight?
Terminal velocity.
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,”said a sarcastic teacher.After a long silence, one student rose to her feet.
“Now then young lady, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don't," said the girl, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
American walks up to a Scotsman waiting in line for the World Cup. "You know why you don't call it a dress?"
Because you'll get kilt!
A blind man walks into a store and starts swinging his dog above his head. A clerk asks him" can I help you?"
The blind man says "no , I'm just looking around."
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
What do you call a duck on drugs?
A quack head!
What’s the difference between a butterfly and a regular fly?
One emerges from a pupa, and the other emerges from a poopa!
I’ve given up on gardening.
I’ve just thrown in the trowel.
I was surprised to learn Elon Musk is from South Africa.
You’d think he is from Mad-at-gas-car.
A Hard BargainA destitute man, desperate for money, shouts out," I would do anything to be a rich man! I am tired of constantly being broke, never knowing where my next meal is coming from!" POOF - the Devil appears and offers him a deal. "Let's play a game," the Devil says, producing a deck of cards. "We will each draw a card, high card wins. For every hand you win, I will give you $1 million dollars, for every hand I win, I get to take one of your body parts."
The devil drives a hard bargain, but the man is tired of being poor and he agrees. The first hand, the man wins, and instantly a briefcase full of cash appears next to him. "Wow!" The man says, "1 million dollars! I have never seen that much money in one place."
"Do you want to keep playing?" The devil asks.
The man is tempted to stop, but his greed gets the better of him, "Yes, let's keep playing!"
The next hand the devil wins and instantly, painlessly, the man's left leg disappears. He is shaken for a moment, but he thinks of all the wheelchairs he could buy for 1 million dollars, "again!" He says.
They continue like this for several rounds and the man wins several million dollars, but he has lost both legs and both arms, numb to his precarious position and blinded with greed the man shouts, "again!"
"Are you sure?" The devil asks, looking nervous, most people quit before they get this... diminished. How will you even draw a card?"
"I'll draw with my mouth!" The man shouts, now do you want to play or not?"
The devil shrugs and holds the deck of cards up to the man's mouth, the man takes the top card between his lips and drops it on the floor. His heart sinks as he sees that it is a 2. The Devil draws a King and instantly the man's torso disappears and the man's head, still fully sentient, falls to the floor.
"Still want to keep playing?" The Devil asks wryly.
"No..." The man says with a sigh, "I had better quit while I'm a head."
My friend asked me how much it costs to dispose of dead batteries.
I said 'No charge'.
I had to explain to my son how the war that led to the US actually becoming it's own, independent nation changed a lot of things
It was... Revolutionary!
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