I went to a hotel to ask for a room and the lady at the counter told me that all the rooms were full.I told her my name was "Improvement".
And there's always a room for improvement.
My wife and I discussed and jointly agreed that we don't want children.
We're telling them tonight !
I gave my girlfriend a expensive bracelet, and she spit into my face
Well it could be worse, she could have slapped me if she had any arms
A mushroom tries to walk into a night club, but the bouncers wouldn’t let him in.
The mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fungi!”
I was once kidnapped by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
Conversations at the tavernA tired young doctor got off a night shift at the hospital and stopped into a bar called "Dick's" across the street for a drink.
"Hey what can I get you?" asked Dick.
"How about a daiquiri?"
The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar.
He takes a sip and loves it. "Whoa that's great. What's your secret?"
"A little bit of almond extract. Gives it a little something extra." The two hit it off and a lifelong friendship develops.
One night the doctor enters and like clockwork the bartender goes to make his favorite drink only to realize that all the almond extract is gone. Thinking on his feet he substitutes it with a little hickory on hand.
The doctor takes a sip. A little confused, he takes another...
"Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?"
"No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
Police have confirmed that a man who fell from the 25th floor of a night club
Is not a bouncer.
When I went to get my flu vaccine, I asked the receptionist if the doctor would let me have it with the lights off since I’m terrified of needles.
She said, “I’ll ask if he will, but it’s a shot in the dark.“
Late one night, a guy is speeding down an empty road. A cop sees him fly past, gives chase, and pulls him over.
The cop walks up and asks, “Sir, are you aware of how fast you were going?”
“Yes,” the man says. “I was trying to escape a robbery I was involved in.”
The cop raises an eyebrow. “Were you the one being robbed?”
“Oh no,” the man replies casually. “I committed the robbery. I was escaping.”
Now the cop is stunned. “So you’re telling me you were speeding and you committed a robbery?”
“Yes,” the man says calmly. “All the loot is in the trunk.”
The cop reaches for the keys. “Sir, you’re coming with me.”
“Don’t do that!” the man shouts. “I’m afraid that you’ll find the loaded gun in my glove compartment!”
The cop jerks his hand back, retreats to his cruiser, and calls for backup.
Within minutes, police cars surround the area, helicopters hover overhead. The man is dragged out, handcuffed, and marched toward a squad car.
Just before they put him in, another officer says, pointing to the original cop, “Sir, this officer says you committed a robbery, had stolen loot in your trunk, and a loaded gun in your glove compartment. But we didn’t find any of that.”
The man sighs and says, “Yeah, and I bet that liar told you I was speeding too!”
How do non binary people kill?
They slash them
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it in a glass for water. If it sinks its a girl ant.
If it floats its boy ant.
My autobiography has yet to sell a single copy.
Story of my life.
At our annual family picnic I told my son, “I’m too old and slow to keep the flies away from the food. From now on, it’s your job.”
He’s got some big shoos to fill.
Why did Bad Bunny wear a hat?
He had a bad hare day
I applied for a job preparing sandwiches.
But unfortunately the Roll had been filled.
My friend from northern Taiwan is very outgoing
He has a Taipei personality
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.
They tried to knight Cher. It didn’t go well.
She melted down. Turns out it was a bad idea to try to make Cher noble.
Somebody glued my deck of cards together
I’m having a really hard time dealing with it
My friend died while he was addicted to skiing
He went downhill really fast
What type of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?
2 Na
Police just identified the man who fell out of the night club window
He was not a bouncer
Is this bug spray good for wasps?
No. It kills them.
My son said he was going to a 50 cent concert.
I gave him a dollar and told him to take Mom.
On one hand I broke a finger today.
On the other hand, I’m fine.
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