My son called home and I asked how things were going. He said, “Please don’t be upset, but they’re making me take another drug test.”
Four years of pharmacy school. Four years of the same damn joke.
My jet-setting buddy bought me a ticket to Paris to be best man in his wedding. Afterwards, we all raised our champagne flutes. "To the bride and groom," I said. "Eggs, cinnamon bread, and maple syrup."
It was a French toast.
Someone told me you could watch a solar eclipse through a colander...
I tried it and ended up straining my eyes.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite car brand?
HYUN-DAAIII!
Oldie but a goodie - What is the Dalai Lama’s go to when ordering a hot dog?
Make me one with everything.
Did you know that Mjolnir has a different name when Thor throws it?
Then it becomes Mjolfar.
Have you even noticed ...
... how many towns are named after their water tower?
My kid asked me what it feels like to be an adult...
I turned off the light in his room, handed him a sponge, and told him the kitchen needs his attention.
Which country has the fastest growing capital?
Ireland. Cause it's Dublin every day.
Today I saved a man drowning in the river…
I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore
I made some jokes about unemployment
but none of them worked.
What’s an epileptic person’s favourite dish?A seizure salad.
*This post isn't intended to be aboelist or dismissing people with disabilities
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the bridge ...
Tequila
What is the difference between panties and female reproductive organs?One is undies the other is ovaries.
Sorry. I'm drunk. Edited because someone reminded me of what I thought of before I drunkenly posted this.
What do you call a Malaysian primate born between 1945-1964?
A boomerangatan
Genie.
A genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy." Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.
I was watching a DIY video on how to build a taser at home.
The results will shock you.
Had a conversation with an Italian Jedi...
Rearranged my whole house
Outback Steakhouse is false advertising
I didn’t see any tables out there
How do you kill a dad with one letter
Give him an E
What do you call a woman who practices sorcery in the desert?
A sand witch.
I have an irrational fear of Vietnamese food
My pho-bia
I tried to sign up for fight club but made a typo, and that's how I became an aviator.
As a rule, I don't talk about it.
What's the preferred cocktail of bibliophiles?
Margareada
Was Cal Ripken a Maryland Cookie?
No…he was a Baltimore Oreo.
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