Old man sitting on his porch sees a boy walk by with a glass jar.He says "Hey boy, where you going with that jar?"
Boy says "I'm going to the Honeysuckle to get some honey."
Old man says "You can't get honey from Honeysuckle."
Little bit later he sees the boy walking back with a jar of honey.
Next day he sees the same boy with a bowl.
"Hey boy, where you going with that bowl?"
"I'm going down to the Buttercups to get some butter."
"You don't get butter from Buttercups", the old man says.
Little bit later the boy walks by with a bowl full of butter.
Next day the old man sees the boy again, but he's not carrying anything.
"Where you off to today, son?"
"I'm going down to the pussywillows..."
Old man interrupts, "Hold on son, I'm coming with you!"
What is it called when a chameleon can't change colour?
A reptile dysfunction
The guy who stole my diary died yesterday.
My thoughts are with his family.
(My 19 yo daughter just made this up and I’m so proud!) How can you tell if you are having dinner with a termite?
They order the house salad.
Why is sex like math?
You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you don’t multiply.
I won an award for most modest person.
But I don't think I can accept.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware
My father worked 12 hours every day just to put food on the table.
Amazing man, but slowest cook ever.
My dad wasn’t the world’s greatest proctologist
But he was right up there
Did you know Mozart killed all of his chickens?
It's because whenever he asked them who their favorite composer was, all they'd say was Bach! Bach! Bach!
I accidently glued myself to my autobiography.
That's my story and im sticking to it !
How do you turn a duck into a 1970’s Soul Singer?
Put it in the oven until it’s bill withers
What do you call the rich people of North Korea?
The Chosin ones.
Elton John bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit.
It’s a little fit bunny.
iPad :(
I hate it when you can't figure out how to operate the iPad and the resident tech expert is asleep.
Because he's 5.
Mountains are not funny
They are hill areas
What kind of houses do mathematicians live in?
Cos-y log cabins.
If your child is becoming addicted to trigonometry, you need to intervene as soon as possible.
Do not ignore the sines.
Some people consider me to be a fraudulent realtor
But I'm a real estate agent.
My grandfather worked as an elevator repairman for over 30 years. I thought of doing the same thing and asked him if he enjoyed it.
He said “It had its ups and downs. Some days someone was always pressing your buttons but overall it was an uplifting job.”
Which animal can tell time?A clockodile
- My sweet sweet son
How did the hot dog go camping?
In his wiener-bago
Why don’t skeletons ever have sex?
Because they don’t have the guts… but they still get boned every night.
I broke my finger last week.
But , on the other hand , im okay.
What did the little fairy say when she first entered her toadstool house?
There’s so Mush-Room in here!
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