Three pregnant women are in the waiting room waiting for their first ultrasound...Brunette: "I know I'm going to have a boy, because my husband was on top."
Redhead: "I know it's gonna be a girl 'cause I was on top."
Blonde: "Oh no, I'm having puppies..."
It’s another hot day, so i’ve walked upstairs, taken all my clothes off and opened every window...
I feel so much better, although the other people on the double decker bus don't seem so pleased!
I married my wife for her looks
But not the ones I have been getting lately
Married LifeAfter a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room it wasn't there.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is, the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.
Immediately I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, car number and description of the place where I parked etc. I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband!!!
"Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I manage to convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car."
Why did the wizard kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
My daughter: Dad can you make me a sandwich?Me: You can make your own sandwich.
Daughter: You always said to work smarter, not harder.
(This happened today. Not sure if it’s a ‘dad joke’ but was pretty funny. She’s 11 years old.)
Edit: thanks for the award!
What do you get for winning the not-moving-at-all championship?
Atrophy.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business?
Try Sarah's Tops.
What do you call an American Football player whose missing 75% of his spine?
A quarterback.
a woman has three triplets- Tim, Tom and Tatafterwards she goes to breastfeed them and realises Tim and Tom are on a tit each
but there's no tit for Tat!
How do flowers settle arguments?
They dew pistils at dawn.
My wife asked why I keep watching a documentary about building roads.I told her it’s fascinating.
She said, “Really? What’s so interesting about it?”
I said, “I don’t know… they’re still working on it.”
I know everyone is surprised that the Monopoly Man doesn't actually wear glasses
but let's not make a whole spectacle about it.
A man who fancied himself a Don Juan was on a business flight to California.
His seatmate on a flight was am attractive woman.
Ever the charmer, he flashed her what he thought a charming smile asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”
"Yes"'she replied. "But I wasn't willing to pay."
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
“I play a little guitar!"
What did the Austrians say after Messi’s goal?
Vienna tough spot right now.
I was walking when someone threw a gallon of milk on me...
I am udderly shocked... how dairy?
Messi is the greatest WC goal scorer of all time…
and it isn't even Klose
Cooked a steak for Father's Day but it fell on the ground
Ended up eating ground beef
(From my 5 year old) Why does a horse run as fast as a horse?
Because it's a horse!
I was helping my kid with his math homework. The question was, “The shortest distance between two points is a _____ line.” He said, “Curvy.” I said, “No.” He said, “Crooked.” I said, “Nope.” He said, “Wavy.” I said, “Wrong again.” Finally he guessed, “Zig-zag?”
At that point, I gave up. He wouldn’t give me a straight answer.
Chris broke his finger today
>! On the other hand, he's completely fine! !<
I didn't think it was a good idea when my wife put a mirror at the end of a long hallway.
But upon further reflection...
I have a feat fetish
There’s nothing more attractive than a woman with great accomplishments!
7-eleven is reporting higher profit margins this year
I’m glad to see their slush fund is doing well.
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