Fun fact: Koi fish always travel in groups of 4.
If attacked, the A B and C koi will scatter, leaving behind the D koi.
A man was out in his backyard digging a deep holeA man was out in his backyard digging a deep hole when he suddenly struck something hard. He cleared away the dirt to find a heavy, wooden chest. With trembling hands, he pried it open and found it was filled to the brim with gold coins and ancient jewelry.
Overjoyed, he was about to drop his shovel and run inside to tell his wife the incredible news that they were finally rich beyond their wildest dreams. But then, he paused, looked back down at the deep hole he had been working on all afternoon, and remembered exactly why he was digging in the garden in the first place.
God originally wanted cows to make honey. But they were always moody after making milk
So he went with plan bee
What do you call a midsize vehicle with 4 wheels, a flat bed in back, and hops off the ground about once every 20-30 seconds?
A hiccup truck
Englishmen dies and arrives at those pearly gates...An English man dies and arrives at the pearly gates where St Peter greets him with "ok I have reviewed your life and you were decent enough, no mortal sins, but you did a few bad things so you have to go to purgatory for a year then you can enter heaven"
The Englishman thinks for a second and asks "can I see heaven quickly first so I know what I will get" and St Peter says OK and opens the Pearly gates. The Englishman looks into heaven and sees beautiful clear blue skies, prestine beaches with beautiful bikini clad women under palm trees sipping cocktails. Looks great he says. He thinks for a bit more and asks can he see hell as well so he can see what he avoided. St Peter says we don't get many such requests but why not and opens a door leading downwards.
The Englishman enters hell sees beautiful clear blue skies, prestine beaches with beautiful bikini clad women under palm trees sipping cocktails.
Looks great he says so what's the problem with hell? He sees the devil in a beach chair under a palm tree and goes up to him and asks "why is hell so nice?"
The Devil responds "Bonjour l'Anglais. En enfer, on vit bien, mais il faut parler français en permanence."
My mom told me, to never ride my bike near the mental health hospital.
She said that there are dangerous cycle paths there.
Why do mermaids wear seashells?
Because they grew out of their B shells.
In the morning, the executioner reads his newspaper and eats breakfast. Then he looks at his watch and says to his wife:
"Alright, it's time to head off."
My favorite dad joke
I’ve said it for years and no one in my family laughs. Every time I drive by a car dealership early in the morning or late at night, I point to all the cars in the lot and loudly remark how crazy it is that they’re so busy.
People tell me not to put "Short Skirt/Long Jacket" on my Weird Al playlist.
But I will have my Cake and Eat It too.
What does one call an unsophisticated pickle?
A dillbilly
Did you know Yoda had a last name?
It was Layheehoo.
Did you hear about the painter who was hired to do a portrait of Ricardo Montelban in Star Trek?
He was a Khan artist
A woman was found guilty in court of a traffic violation, and when asked for her occupation, she said she was a school teacher.The judge rose from the bench and said: “Ma’am, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court.”
“Why is that Your Honor?” asked the teacher.
The judge smiled with delight and said: “I’m going to need you to sit down at that table and write ‘I will not run red a light’ 500 times.” 🤣
My wife told me that she doesn’t poop...
I think she’s full of crap.
What did the person that illegally downloaded the entire Wikipedia say when getting arrested?
"Wait! I can explain everything!"
A one L Lama is a religious leader. A two LL Llama is a humped animal. What is a three L lama?
A really big fire.
I accidentally sprayed axe body spray in my mouth…
Now I talk with an axe scent.
While hiking in the mountains of Spain, i found a lot of plastic numbers scattered everywhere along all of the trails. When i got back to the trailhead, I asked the ranger, why I only saw the numbers 1, 2,4,5,6,7,8, and 9. The ranger explained:
We have a strict “leave no tres” policy
If one door must close for another to open...
You're probably in prison or a really bad cabinet maker.
I bought Mandalorian steel on the black market to make an automobile.
It's the beskar I've ever made.
What’s a pirate’s favorite clothing material?
Yarrrrrn!
I asked the librarian if they have any books on paranoia
She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
In economics, there are somethings that generates more than curiosity...
It generates interest
My friend is in the army and his unit wanted to know when they were being deployed, they wouldn't tell them all they said was
March First
top
