In England it's called a lift, but in America it's called an elevator.
I guess people are just raised differently.
I'm developing a game where you have to go back to assassinate Adam.
It's a first person shooter.
Daughter and I were getting cookies last nightShe’s concentrating really hard on picking the perfect pair of cookies for hers at the kiosk
me: Hey, I mustache you a question
her: (without looking) that’s terrible, you don’t even have a mustache.
me: I mustache you to look again
me: (holding a mustache sticker up to my face)
her: (cracks up, despite her best efforts) How long have you been hiding that sticker
me: I’d rather not say, it’ll shave me some embarrassment
her: ... ok. that was actually pretty good
I asked my dad what a "sale" is
He explained the concept and then I said: "Thank you so much. It's means a great deal to me"
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but no lighter
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
What pasta shape is forbidden from the broadway theater awards show?
Rigatoni.
What do you call a flying nun?
A bird,
a plane,
Superman.???
.
.
.
.
.
Nope
You call her none of the above
Edit: Nun*
I met Jim Varney's proctologist.
Good guy. Did his job in Ernest.
I’ve been putting up posters for my neighbour’s missing dog.
In his cool new bedroom at my house.
What’s worse than raining cats & dogs?
Hailing taxis
Did you hear about the duck with the drug problem?
He was a quackhead.
Do you know why the shopping place is called “the mall”?
Because instead of going to one store, you can go to them all.
My car payments are withdrawn from my checking account every month
I set it up for auto pay.
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
You'd get jurassic'd.
My daughter begged, “Dad, pleeease say something to make me laugh.” I said, “Mashed potatoes. Mac and cheese. Green bean casserole. Potato salad.” She tilted her head and said, “How’s that supposed to be funny?”
I said, “Sorry I’m really trying… all jokes a side.”
Why did the magazine company go out of business?
They had too many issues.
I sure hope I never wind up in debt to a dentist
I might wind up in dentured servitude!
William Tell
Everyone knows about William Tell, who was famous for his exceptional archery skills. But what people don’t know is that William and his entire family were also exceptional bowlers. Unfortunately, most of the records from that time have been lost so no one knows for whom the Tells bowled.
How can you tell when a man is ready to be a dad?
If his girlfriend or wife says "I'm pregnant" and he says "Hi pregnant i'm dad"
What do you call a flying nun?A bird? A plane?
Nope, Nun of the above!
It's ok to buy a nun a drink occasionally
But just make sure you don't get into the habit
What did Russell Crowe say when he found out about Armie Hammer being a cannibal?
“What do I care? I’m Gladiator”
Why do cows wear bells
Because their horns won’t work
How many lions are needed to screw in a light bulb?
One, but he'll need all his pride
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel?
An inn grown hare
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