I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.
Where did the 8 go when it fell over?
To ∞ and beyond!
Why was my post removed?Can someone please tell me why my post was removed?
I’m very frustrated because now my fence has fallen over.
An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam.The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow." The next day the man returned to the office and handed him the jar, which was as clean and empty as the day before.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained,
"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then my left, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left—nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then the teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too—first with both hands, then an armpit, she even tried squeezin' it between her knees—but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open!"
I’m so sad I have to close my crematorium
I just don’t urn enough
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No Son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
What do clowns like to invest in?
Laughing Stock🤡
If a girl is standing outside my house,
can I say, she is outstanding ?
In medieval England, Sir Reginald says to his wife, “Sweeting, I go anon unto the tavern.” His wife replies, “My lord, thou must not! After all that hath befallen, thou didst promise to forswear drink forevermore.”"Hark, I must go," decrees Sir Reginald, "for I have weighty business with Sir Archibald, Sir Thomas, and Sir Gregory. But take heart, my love—I shall have naught but tea and a crumpet. Thou hast my word.”
“Very well,” she says, "Then shall I expect thee home with thy wits about thee.”
Sir Reginald enters the tavern and what should meet his gaze but an ENORMOUS DRAGON! He draws his sword at once and cries, “Fear not, good sirs! I shall dispatch this foul beast!”
But his friends leap up and say, “Whoa, whoa, whoa—easy there, Sir Reginald. This is Valkor. We’ve been drinking with him this past hour and he is most congenial. Sit with us and hear the dragon’s remarkable tales.”
“Oh,” says Sir Reginald, sheathing his sword. “Carry on, then.”
The four knights make merry with the dragon deep into the night. True to his word, Sir Reginald keeps to his tea and crumpets until the dragon turns to him and says, “What art thou, a wee maid? Have an ale, thou absolute codfish!”
“Well,” says Sir Reginald, “a new friendship with a dragon doth call for some small celebration. One ale cannot undo me.”
HUZZAH!
Some ten ales later, the knights decide to take turns riding upon the dragon high above the village. Sir Reginald goes last–and being thoroughly hammered, he swoons mid-flight, tumbles from Valkor’s back, and falls to his death just outside the tavern.
Valkor gasps, “Oh shit oh shit oh shit” …and promptly flees the realm.
Sir Reginald’s wife arrives, wailing, “What in God’s name hath happened to my dear Sir Reginald?!”
Sir Archibald bows his head and responds gravely, “He fell off the dragon.”
I found a 9 volt battery on the side walk one day. Touched it to my tongue to see if it was still good. It was.
I was shocked!
Wife, "Why are you making pancakes for the dog?"
Me, "Because he doesn't know how."
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper??
fizzician
Did you hear about the engineer whose job was taken by AI?
He was reverse engineered
My son said, "What rhymes with orange?" I pondered for a while and replied...
"No, it doesn't."
I asked my therapist why I’m so scared of fruit.
She said, “It’s probably because of some deep berried trauma.”
It seems that many people have been given the same name by their parents
But I’m not sure why “Potential Spam” has become so popular in the last few years
Did you hear a disgruntled employee burned down the toilet paper factory?
When the cops hauled him in, he shrugged and said, “I was sick of all the crap they gave me every day… so I finally wiped the place out. And trust me, there’s zero paper trail.”
Well to be frank
Id probably have to change my name
I've run out of toilet paper so I've started using old newspaper...
the Times are rough
I was unable to get my golf bag hooked up to my computer
I didn't have the correct drivers.
A hospital visit
I stopped at the local hospital to visit my ditzy neighbor. I asked him how he ended up in ICU. He said he was watching the televised Miss Universe pageant with his wife. He turned to her and said, "Honey, you are the exact double of the winner." His wife blushed and said, "Thank you, but you are exaggerating." He responded, "No, I mean it, she is a size 8 and you are a 16."
I invented a new game. Quiet tennis
Just like regular tennis but without the racket
What do you call a bear with no ears?
A B.
To all my Spanish speaking friends out there, I just want to say 'mucho'...
...because I know it means alot to you
Why did they give Kleenex to the kitten?
She had mew kiss.
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