Which is heavier?Forgive me if this is a repeat, but my dad just told me this joke so I think it qualifies for this sub. Which is heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
the water, because butane is a lighter fluid.
What Do You Call a Medieval Spy?
Sir Veillance!
As a pyromaniac, I've had a lot of trouble finding a girlfriend.
I'm still looking for a match.
My dad just got a kidney transplant, I need joke ideas!Hey guys,
My dad got a kidney transplant recently and my mom actually donated hers to someone else. I really want to make them custom t-shirts with some dumb jokes on the back, I need recommendations!
For my dad I was thinking something along the lines of “I like when strangers put their parts inside of me”
For my mom I have no idea… something like “I knew weight loss was hard, but nobody told me about this part” but that might be too sensitive lol
I complained to my son, "It’s a shame nothing is built in the U.S. anymore!"The T.V. we just bought says, “Built in Antenna” and to be perfectly honest...
"I don’t even know where that is!"
I got fired for putting my hair in a bun.
I hate this burger joint.
I told the nurse that I was bitten by a wolf.she asked "Where?"
I replied "No. Normal"
I burned my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature
A man was outside a phone booth waiting for 20 minutes while another man held the phone without saying a word."Excuse me," he said, "you haven't spoken at all!"
The man replied, "I'm talking to my wife!"
Why are centipedes always late for practice?
Because they put their pants on one leg at a time just like everybody else.
what does have 5 toes and isnt your foot
my foot lol, sorry it was bad
I just found out that my ophthalmologist isn’t licensed.
She’s an eye con
What do you call a line of men standin in line to get their haircut ?
Barbeque
Do not run while carrying bagpipes!You och not to because you could put an aye out!
Or get kilt!
Lions would never drive drunk.
But a Tiger Wood.
This weekend, we were barbecuing in the backyard. My wife called out through kitchen window, "Honey, would you please flip the sausages so that they don't burn?"
I said, "Don't worry, the wurst is over".
A man walked into a bar
He put a Sony Walkman from Japan on the bar. Then he put a blaupunkt car stereo from Germany on the bar. Then he put a Bang & Olufsen hifi from Denmark on the bar. Then he put a generic branded boom box from China on the bar.
The barman said to him " Sorry, we don't allow jokes based on stereo-types from different countries in here"
My wife got me good…
Was making chicken salad in the kitchen, I jumped in to slice grapes in half and my wife, who was tired of chopping all the food said, “I grapely appreciate the help”! Haha I could be more proud. :’)
How does a non-binary ninja take out their enemies?
They/Them
There are 2 types of people.
Those who want closure.
To whoever stole my diving gear:
"You’ve really sunk low."
What furry mammal complies with the IEEE 802.3 standard?
The Ether Bunny
Why are video game collectors always looking to find Need for Speed games?
Because they are the Most Wanted!
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP!
On his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and...
the coffin stops.
I got my picture taken yesterday...
I’m still hoping I can get it back.
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