I bought a dog from a blacksmith
As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door
I called the local theater to ask what time Melania was playing.
They asked me what time i could get there.
ONE spelling mistake can ruin your entire marriage.
I accidentally messaged my wife "I'm having a great time. I wish you were her”
What kind of rock will you never find in the Mississippi River?A dry one.
(I was sharing jokes with my 3rd grade class and one girl told me that. It legitimately took me by surprise.)
The bus driver charged me extra today just for telling dad jokes.
I told him, "That’s not fare!"
What do you call a book club that’s been stuck on the same book for years?
Church
Taylor Swift broke up with Travis Kelce and just came out with her breakup song.
The title is "Cute without U".
I've been working on a joke about Pythagoras...
But I just can't find the right angle.
Last night I was out for a run and noticed some fog trying to catch up to me
Luckily it mist.
What do you call a man floating in the ocean?
Bob
What does a grape say when it gets stepped on?
Nothing, it just makes a little wine.
Why did the bald man draw rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they look like hares.
What did Delaware?
Maybe a New Jersey? I don’t know, but Alaska.
There is a fundraiser to help Don Lemon cover his legal expenses.
It's called Lemon Aid
This book on antigravity is really good...
I cant seem to put it down.
My wife wanted me to go to Comic-Con dressed as a flamingo
I told her no and then I finally put my foot down
Why doesn't Istanbul have a king?
Because they... Can't stand a noble
Why shouldn't you share secrets at the bank?
Because of all the tellers!
If you're feeling unattractive, consider buying a wig…
It’s a look that anyone can pull off.
I just saw five hippies in a Honda…
They were all of one Accord.
I turned down a job that would pay me with vegetables.
The celery was unacceptable.
Never been more proudDad to Skyler (son): I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed.
Skyler: Hi Disappointed, I'm Skyler.
Dad: *tearing up while trying hard not to laugh*
Dad: *hugs son* I've never been more proud!
Albert Einstein was a genius
But his brother Frank was a monster.
What do midwives do?
They help people out
Dogs can't operate an MRI...
But catscan
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