My daughter was dating a gardener, but they broke up.
He was very rough around the hedges.
I came out of the shower naked this morning and said, “Honey, close the bedroom curtains, I don't want the neighbors to see me naked”
She replied, “Don’t worry, if they do they'll close theirs!”
Did you know Yoda doesn't believe in the existence of the triangle?
Only the doangle and donotangle. There is no triangle.
Why don’t dinosaurs post on Reddit?
Because they’d get absolutely killed in the comet section ...
The US government just outlawed duvets, bedsheets, cloaks and any large piece of cloth used for warming
Its a blanket ban
What singer can never decide if he is human or bovine?
Roy Or Bison.
My wife told me she was giving me the silent treatment for two days.Honestly, I thought, this is it… this is peace.
Day one? Bliss.
Day two? Still quiet. I’m starting to think I’ve unlocked a life hack.
Then day three comes…
She walks into the room, looks at me, and says:
“Are you not even going to ask why I was upset?”
And that’s when I realized…
the silent treatment wasn’t punishment… it was just the loading screen.
What happens when you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN?
They get very angry.
Why did the baby strawberry cry?
Because it’s mommy was in a jam
[NSFW] This one is a bit tasteless, so be forewarned...
Water
What would Socrates be called if he was a Dad?
Socksandsandalscrates.
A man is crawling through the desert, dying of thirst...The desert is blazing hot, and he's desperate for water. He comes upon a traveling merchant. He crawls up to the merchant and says "water, please! Water! Water!"
The merchant says "I don't have any. I'm a tie salesman. Would you like to buy a tie?" The guy replies "No! I need water! I'm so thirsty! Water!"
The merchant says "Well I told you I don't have any. But go west about 10 miles or so, and there is a small inn where you can get water." The guy crawls off. A couple of days go by, and the guy comes crawling back to the merchant. He looks even worse than before.
The merchant asks "what's wrong? Didn't they give you water at the inn?"
The guy replies "they wouldn't let me in without a tie."
What type of dwelling do retired Marines live in?
A Tinnnnnn Huuuut
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
“Put me in coach”
My son asked why dads love flashlights
I said because sometimes we need to shine at something.
World’s wisest manBob had terrible BO and no matter how much he washed & scrubbed he couldn't get rid of it. He tried hundreds of soaps & shampoos but nothing seemed to work. He showered 5 times a day, kept the AC on 24/7 & avoided garlic & beans like the plague
alas, people still gagged as they walked behind him.
Disheartened and down to his last few dollars, Bob walked sullenly down the street. On the corner of the block was a sign that read “World's Wisest Man! A solution to all your problems or your money back!'
Intrigued, Bob went in. After a short wait he was ushered in to a small room, where a monk with a long beard was meditating. A nameplate on one wall read “Weng Li”
Before Bob could say a word, Weng Li began to speak. 'Heed my words child. I know of the issues that plague you.”
Take this insect and let it climb along yourself every morning.”
Bewildered, Bob took the jar containing the bug and left. His his odor had ruined his life for years. Surely even this was worth a shot? Once home, he started to fall asleep.
He let the bug out and it all over him climbed on him for several minutes. Suddenly, Bob realized his odor was gone. Jumping for joy, he ran back into town to thank Weng Li.
“Weng Li! Weng Li! I dont smell anymore! How did you know that the bug would work?” Bob cried.
Weng Li gave a mysterious smile and said, “The moment my eyes fell upon you I knew all you needed was a deodor-ant.”
My son texted me after his dinner date last night and said, “Dad, it was great! And guess what… she’s a content creator!”
I replied, “Well, whatever she makes, I’m happy to hear she’s satisfied with it.”
What do you call al gore's playlist?
algorithm
Why aren't cakes made of mud?
To prevent earthcakes
What country can swim?
Wales
8 bees can kill you but if you add 1 more bee you are safe.
Because it’s bee 9.
Will invisible planes ever be a thing?
I can’t see them taking off
I asked my wife, “Can you help me? I’m stuck on a crossword clue, 'overworked postman'.” She replied, “Sure, how many letters?” I said, “I don't know!"
“I’m guessing, too many!”
I think my SatNav is broken.
The other day it said 'Bear Left', but it was actually just a rabbit.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair
Virgin Mobile
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