A man read 12.5% of the Bible.
He's an eightheist.
Four math professors walk into a barthe barman asks: "do you all want a beer?"
First one says: "I don't know"
Second one says: "I don't know"
Third one says: “i don’t know”
Fourth one says: “yes please”
My wife lost her dictionary.
I tried comforting her, but my words seem to have no meaning to her now.
A neighborhood pub planned a costume party & the bartender announced they must all come dressed up as their love life. On the night of the party the bartender spotted some old geezer dressed as Abraham Lincoln.He walked over to him and said, “Hey, you were supposed to come dressed up as your love life.
With a shrug and a sly grin the older man replied,” Oh, I have. My four scores were seven years ago."
Actually, it's pronounced "jaslight".
You've been saying it wrong the whole time.
What do you call a sheep wrapped in plastic?
Lambinated…
An armed man robs a bank with 2 CDs glued to his glasses. The cashier hands the man all the money and then says “Got to ask, what’s with the CDs?”
He replies “It’s my disk-eyes”
I bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday
As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
I was talking to someone about countries having low birthrates and snuck this in.Me: South Korea had the lowest birth rate but recently got theirs up a bit.
Her: I wonder which one has the lowest now.
Me: I'd have to look it up. I'll do it later.
Her: Do you know which nation has the highest?
Me experiencing sudden inspiration: I think it's the nation of Impreg.
Her not connecting the dots immediately: I haven't heard of it. Do they have a lot of people?
Me: Oh I hear they get a lot of visitors who stay less than a year but few permanent residents. I've been there. It's kinda nice. But some women hate it there.
She asked a few questions with my responses getting more ludicrous until:
Her: Ok, I have to look this place up.
Her looking at her phone: GOD DAMNIT!
Glorious.
Dad, how many people work at your company?
About half of them
Why couldn’t the sailor’s play cards at sea?
The captain was standing on the deck!
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes
She gave me a hug
Archaeologist Hubby
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have...
The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Husband to wife, “I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I forgot where I put my car keys.” Wife, “Again? It’s probably in your jeans.”
Husband, “Why you gotta bring up my parents?”
I asked for a seat swap on my flight to get away from a crying baby.
Turns out that’s frowned upon when it’s your baby.
I’ve started a business to weigh very tiny items.
It’s a very small scale operation.
Arnie, Stallone and Bruce Willis decide to make a movie about classical music composers…Stallone: I’ll be Beethoven
Willis: I’ll be Mozart
SCHWARZENEGGER: I’LL BE BACH
Gloria Gaynor was hosting a dinner party for six of her friends at her home.
When they arrived, they panicked when finding out one couldn't make it. "That's ok." she told them. "I will serve five."
I was on the fence about buying a house, so the seller said they'd throw in a free Saab
To Sweden the deal
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked suprised
Midwives deserve our appreciation.
They help people out.
Last Sunday, my neighbor rose to stand when he was asked by his preacher to give his thoughts on his own mortality.
He cleared his throat and then said “I’ll pass”
King Arthur didn't like it when a new Sultan moved into the castle next door...
He turned it into a used Camel lot.
My wife says I’m getting fat, but in my defense:
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.
Had to get a colonoscopy, guess you can say I had a
Cameron Diaz
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