I just saw this fella going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet.
I thought: “He’s pushing his luck!”
An American, a Mexican, and an Australian walk into a pub.The Mexican says, “I'll have a Corona. The finest beer of Mexico.”
The American says, “I’ll have a Budweiser. The king of beers.”
The Australian says, “I'll have a Ginger Ale.”
“A Ginger Ale?” the American asks quizically.
The Australian replies, “Well, if you two aren’t going to have a proper beer. Why should I?
An ER doc asked a patient, “…and how long have you been a smoker?”
He replied, “What does that matter? Get this brisket out of my ass!”
Why did the cannibal get kicked out of school?
He was caught buttering up his teacher.
Did you hear about the new book on anti-gravity?
It's impossible to put down.
What is a soldier’s favorite month?
March
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider
My name is Dad and I'm addicted to doing stunts in Westerns
I was sober for three years but then I fell off the wagon
If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?
U r a Bus.
My wife said a lot of gossip is going around about the new tenants next door.
I said, “They’re probably just roomers.”
The word Queue is pronounced like the letter Q
The rest of the letters are just waiting there.
My 10 yo daughter just dropped this one on meShe spilled a glass of water on her bed this evening and decided to sleep on the couch in the living room tonight. I told her goodnight and asked “How do you want the lights?”
She replied: “Medium-well.”
Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.
My wedding went off without a hitch.
It made me sad that the bride didn't show up.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage…
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
It's only been a few days since finished my investigative reporting in Germany.
But the police are already asking me to Hanover the evidence!
I asked the Librarian if there were any books on the Titanic?
She said probably, but they would be soaking wet by now.
Elevator music
Bothers me on many levels
I have something in my car that alerts me the moment I hit 66 in a 65mph zone...
We've been married for 35 years.
Two-Foot Louie was a mobster.He was what one might call, "vertically challenged."
As such, he couldn't reach the pedals on his 1926 Chrysler Imperial, so naturally he had to hire a driver. The trouble was Louie was a tough character to work for because despite his size, he was incredibly intimidating. It became well known that Two-Foot Louie spent all that money on a nice car and yet had nothing to chauffeur it.
I asked my son to hand me a newspaper the other day.
He laughed, called me old, and handed me his iPad instead.
That fly never stood a chance.
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds
John Lennon really was useless at Cluedo, wasn't he?
The waitress asked me the dumbest question at dinner tonightI ordered the broccoli cheddar soup, and she asked, “Did you want that in a cup or a bowl?”
“Yes please, otherwise it’ll get everywhere.”
My 10yo still loves this one I came up with years ago when doing laundryI had a pile of single socks and told him to pair them up. But if he found any that matched not to play with them. He asked why.
"Never play with matches. So you don't burn the house down."
It's like two lessons in one.
1) everything dad says is a joke
2) fire safety is important
Cats...An English cat 1-2-3 and a French cat Un-Deux-Trois decide to have a swimming race.
Which cat won and why?
The English cat 1-2-3
Because…
Un-Deux-Trois Cat sank.
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