It finally happened. The legendary Holy Grail of dad jokes occurred at the dentist today.
I was at the dentist's front desk needing to reschedule my appointment.
Receptionist: "How about tomorrow?"
Me: "Sounds good. What time?"
Receptionist: "2:30."
I froze, locked eyes with her, and slowly began to grin.
Me: "Are you serious?"
Receptionist: "Umm... yes?"
Me: "Are you telling me I have a dentist appointment at Tooth Hurty?!"
She completely lost it. I think I've officially peaked as a father.
8 hours of sleep each night, perfect diet, exercise every day, mental health on track, zero alcohol, zero debt and extremely hydrated.
This was my peak. I was 8 years old.
What do you call a $2 chicken?
Buck buck
My internship in Helsinki has come to an end
It has Finnished
You’re paid how often?More than two jobs and as many decades ago, an employer set us up with a benefit and each of us had to sit with a rep to enroll.
Eventually he got to me, and went through his standard questions, some of them the same response company wide.
“You’re paid weekly…” with a pregnant pause as he knew the answer, and before he could start the next question, I responded,
“Yes. Very weakly.”
Why did the girl not go on a second date with the generous fisherman?
He gave her crabs.
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
Did you know that 65 million years ago a lady named Sarah opened the first dinosaur blouse boutique
She called it Try Sarah’s Tops
When I was a kid I always wanted a Toyota
I had Han, Luke, 3PO, and R2-D2, but never had Yota.
If I owned a DeLorean
I would drive it from time to time
This world has two types of people
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
What did baby corn say to momma corn?
“Where’s popcorn?”
My wife said her new gynecologist is a charming Southern gentleman. During her appointment, she asked if she needed to have her breasts screened.
He said, “Yes, ma’ammogram.”
My wife says I'm pedantic because I take things literally
I corrected her, "No that would make me a kleptomaniac."
What do you call a professor who's absolutely crazy?
An academia nut!
“Dad! I can’t sleep. There are monsters under my bed!” The father goes to check under his son’s bed and finds 2 monsters underneath.
“Well, it’s no wonder you can’t sleep, son. You have any idea how much caffeine is in these?”
One day this normal guy whenever he farted, it sounded like "Honda." Funny at first, but the doctors found nothing wrong. A few months later while getting his dental cleaning, he kept farting Honda, Honda, HondaThe dentist informs the man he has an abscessed tooth. How do you know asked the farting man?
The dentist responded, we'll every one knows, "Abscess makes the fart go Honda!"
Went to a Charles Dickens convention, complete sausage fest
It was the best of times, it was the wurst of times
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
Apparently I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
what do you call a lawyer who cooks?
a sue chef
At my physical, the doctor said, “Today I’m going to give you a rectal screening.”
I replied, “Good. Anything to keep them mosquitos out.”
Lots of people were very frustrated trying to get a meeting with Jesus because of his busy schedule
He was hard to nail down
Did you hear about the chocolate factory workers who started a hip-hop group?
They're the Candy Bar Rappers
GandhiGandhi walked all over India, making the soles of his feet very built up. But, due to his diet, he appeared frail. And, hunger strikes affect the enzymes in the mouth, often leading to bad breath.
Combined, this meant Gandhi was a "super-calloused, fragile mystic, plagued with halitosis."
How’s your day going, does it pass the McConaughey?
Is it alright, alright, alright?
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