In England it's called a lift, but in America it's called an elevator.
I guess people are just raised differently.
Three things I love in life are:
Eating my family and skipping commas.
A coma in a sentence can make a huge difference. For instance,“Let’s eat, Bob.”
has a completely different meaning from
“Bob is in a coma.”
My wife: "You promised to stop with the Darth Vader quotes after we got married"
Me: "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."
I drove by the beach last night…
I drove by the beach last night and noticed these ladies dancing in a circle wearing black robes around a fire pit chanting. One had a pig and another had a block of cheese. That’s when I realized they were ham and cheese sand witchs.
What you call an airline full of bald people?
Receding Airlines
I told my buddy I keep all the money I make for myself, he said it was selfish
I said: “I don’t sell fish, I sell crack!”
I just quit cold turkey.
I don’t mind. Warm turkey tastes way better anyways.
What’s a World Cup player’s least favorite sweater?
A yellow cardigan.
My father advised me to register for my donor card.
A man after my own heart
Why didn't Indiana Jones go into the strip club?
He could clearly see it was a booby trap!
What do you call a Frenchman attacked by a cat?
Claude
My cremation should go smoothly.
I'm already burned out.
What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?
Traffic Jam
A lady takes a man back to her place after a date. When they enter the house, 2 ferocious dogs approach him growling.“Timex and Rolex be nice to the guest” she demanded. The dogs stopped growling. The man chuckled and asked, “why in the world did you name your dogs Timex and Rolex”?
“Because they’re my watch dogs of course”!
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese 🧀
I need a joke for a punch line.
I thought of a punch line: It's a pain in the arsenic. But I can't think of a joke to go with it. I'm appealing to all dads and dad joke creators for your help. Thanks in advance.
What does Mr. Miyagi do when he gets home from a first date?
He wax off
What does a pensive French soccer player say before he bonks you on the head?
Mbappe
What do you call a Frenchman attacked by a cat
Claude
The guy who invented scuba started by experimenting with brass instruments
Unfortunately a tuba is a Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
If a person is diagnosed with Kleptomania
Does the doctor give them something to take?
Who is bigger than Ariana Grande?
Ariana Venti
What’s a ghost’s favorite way to tell a story?
Booooooooooks
What do you call a Sith Lord who's always going up and down between floors on the Death Star?
Darth Ele-Vader
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