My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect
and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Two horses have been married for years.... and their relationship is getting a little stale particularly in the bedroom.
The male decides to look on the internet for ideas, and discovers lingerie for horses. He tells his wife he's going shopping, and heads into the town. After much searching he finds a few of the things he's looking for, of course it's tricky for him to carry it home, so he tucks it into his bridle.
He pops into a bar on the way home, and the bartender asks "why the thong lace?"
I've never seen the movie Frozen, so I asked my 4 year old daughter to summarize it for me
She looked at me funny and said, well if I SUMMERIZE it, then it would be called MELTED!!
What does the drummer name his twin daughters?
Ana 1, Ana 2.
My new car has a button for just about everything.It even has one that says "rear wiper"
Still too afraid to try that one.
The doorbell rang and my wife yelled, “Honey, it’s that boomerang salesman again.”
I mumbled, “I should have known he’d come back.”
A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walked into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
My wife said “ I’m sick of you pretending to be a detective and that we should split up”.
I said that’s a great idea, we can cover more ground that way.
Fun fact; around 60% of people who watched The Cure live in concert...
actually watched Placebo and enjoyed it just as much.
I didn’t know what I was supposed to wear to the pre-ejaculators meeting
so I just came in my pants
What do you call a singing computer?
A Dell.
Told my Canadian pal I got into an argument with my wife."Why don't you buy her a bouquet?" he asked.
I said, "She isn't a big reader."
My son excitedly asked me if I wanted to watch a show about how they dug a tunnel under the English Channel to connected England to France.
I told him, "No thanks that sounds like a boring documentary."
What do you call a dog that digs up really old bones?
A barkaeologist
So Julie the Sultana has been cheating on her husband with Steve the Raisin.
Just keeping you up to date with currant affairs.
My hot girlfriend was banned from the library.
Because everyone kept trying to check her out.
i wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me
It shouldn’t surprise anyone that Mr. Potato Head can have any woman he wants.
He’s loaded.
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” "But you are the lawyer" replied the cops.
"Exactly, so where’s my present?"
How did the barber win the race
He knew a short cut
Did you hear about the guy who robbed an ice cream shop?
He was charged with Grand Theft Gelato.
I wrote a fictional short story about Giovanni Coinci, the first Italian immigrant to open a dentistry private practice in the United States.
Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely Coinci Dental.
I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia
She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
Yo mama so fat...
...she's statically an average American.
Scientists recently combined the DNA of a Cheetah with the DNA of a Crab.
Things went sideways really fast!
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