At dinner, I asked my date to tell me a little about herself. She said, “Well, believe it or not, I’m a microbiologist.”
I looked her straight in the eye and said, “Nice try... you look like a normal-sized biologist to me.”
Whenever my kids says "I love you" I always respond with "I love you more"
because life is a competition and they need to know their father will always win.
Brainy joke: Why is it a "school" of fish but a "bloat" of hippos?
Because a school of hippos would be a hippocampus
I tried using Beef as my password.
It wasn't stroganoff
I’ve written a song about a locksmith
There’s a lovely key change at the end
My wife caught me touching myself to an optical illusion.
I said "Babe, it's not what it looks like!"
What does Neil Diamond sing when he’s waiting in a queue at the grocery store to buy corn syrup
🎶 Sweet Karo Line 🎶
I told my dad that I'm going to join the 'World Taekwondo Federation'
He said WTF?!
Who is Mexico’s richest man?
Jeff Pesos
Why did Indiana Jones never meet his favourite band?
He ran away from the Rolling Stones
A LOT OF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT American State Brad Pitt, Garth Brooks and Reba McEntire were born in.
Listen, it's OK.
Friend of mine recently was hospitalized for a freak peek-a-boo accident
He was sent to the ICU
I took the shell off of my racing snail hoping it would make him faster
It just made him more sluggish
After 14 years as a homemaker, my wife got a job as a baker at the bagel shop up the street......I'm really excited for her to be making some dough!
It comes at a time of great knead, our finances have been really crumby lately. We've been in a bit of a debt hole and now we can finally rise above it!
Looking forward to life with another bread-winner in the house!
(Inspired by real events - I was only going to do one celebratory pun but then I got on a roll...)
What did one weiner say to another evasive wiener?
Always be frank.
What do you call a priest that's also a lawyer?
A father-in-law.
Meat Loaf married his accountant
She’d do anything for love but she won’t do VAT
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts
I was just convicted by two dudes names Jimothy and four guys named Jim.
It was a Jim, Jimothy, Jim, Jimothy, Jim, Jim jury.
Husband - Are you having an affair with my best friend?Wife - What makes you say that?
Husband - He’s been miserable lately.
Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I tried to get people into meatloaf. 2 were hooked instantly, but one was unimpressed.
Oh well 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.
Brake padsThis just now happened...
Went into O'Reilly for brake pads. Guy at the counter said, "What are you needing today?"
I said, "I need brake pads."
He got his fingers on the keyboard and said, "OK, what's it for?"
I said, "It helps your car stop."
My wife fainted onto the baggage carousel at the airport.
Thankfully she came around.
Orphanage.Knock knock
Hello little girl. My name is Father Stewart and I am collecting for the orphanage.
Bang! Bang!
I'm ready, Father.
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