I’ve resorted to selling shaving kits to support my political campaign.
Honestly, I’m getting tired of these fund razors.
A gynecologist was having a midlife crisis and decided to leave the medical profession to become an auto mechanic.He went to an auto mechanic school, studied hard and eventually it was time for the final exam.
He was amazed when the exam was returned with a grade of 200 and is amazed and said, “I thought the highest you could score on the test was 100."
"It is, normally,” the instructor replied.
“But I gave you 50 for taking the engine apart correctly, 50 for putting it back together correctly and the extra 100 for doing it through the muffler.”
What do you call a paper-airplane that doesn’t fly?
Stationary
What do you call a bull that’s sleeping?
A bull dozer.
What do you call an Irish alligator?
Croc O'Doyle!
A man did not like his wife’s cat.One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go.
When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.
Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and let it out of the car again.
Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.
Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, through the woods, and clear across three counties before putting the cat outside and driving off.
Several hours later the man’s wife was at home when the phone rang. She picked up and it was her husband.
“Is the cat there?” He asked.
“Yes…” she replied.
“Well put him on the phone, I’m lost”
The sign at the gas station read $4.04
My teen son instantly said “404 error gas price not found.” Proud moment.
You don't know the struggle of being a pastry chef
Untill you've walked a mile in their choux's
My daughter said, “Daddy, I saw a deer on the way to school this morning.”
I said, “That’s great, but how did you know it was on its way to school?”
What do you call a guy who hangs out on your deck?
Paddy O’Furniture
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall.
DAM!!!
What are a kidnappers favourite type of shoes?White Vans.
I’ll show myself out…
Bakery.I opened a bakery...
But it crumbled under pressure.
What did the cat say when it got hurt?
Me ow
I drank holy water with laxatives
I’m about to start a religious movement
What do you call a bullet-proof Irish man?
Rick O'Shea
I don’t feel so good
But my sight is perfect
When my dad walked in my room with some young guy wearing skinny jeans, eating avocado toast, I asked, “Who's this guy?” Pops grinned and said...
"This is my hip replacement!"
Did yall hear about the homeless guy that lost both his left arm and left leg?
No? Well you'll be happy to know he's all right now.
I was rushing out the door to work when my kids came running downstairs yelling, ‘Dad, wait! Play with us!’ Then I noticed they’d drawn all over their faces with permanent marker. One had an ace of clubs, one was a nine of diamonds, one a queen of hearts, and my youngest had a jack of spades.
I said, “I can’t believe you kids did this… I’ll deal with you later.”
I just crumpled up every piece of comedy I ever put on paper, and threw it at my wife
All my jokes went over her head
Why did the chemist join a dating site?
He got lonely periodically!
Why was the vampire grumpy?
He had a bat attitude?!
What kind of trousers does a ghost hunter wear?
Just a paranormal jeans.
Heard this one on NPR's "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me..."
The economy is in rough shape and as a result people are buying more beans. This has put pressure on the distributors that ship beans all over the world. Its a small group of very powerful people known as "The Luguminati".
top
