My wife says I'm pedantic because I take things literally
I corrected her, "No that would make me a kleptomaniac."
“Dad! I can’t sleep. There are monsters under my bed!” The father goes to check under his son’s bed and finds 2 monsters underneath.
“Well, it’s no wonder you can’t sleep, son. You have any idea how much caffeine is in these?”
It’s ok to use natural materials when sewing, but don’t try making underwear out of grapes or bananas.
They just bunch up on ya.
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
Apparently I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
It finally happened. The legendary Holy Grail of dad jokes occurred at the dentist today.
I was at the dentist's front desk needing to reschedule my appointment.
Receptionist: "How about tomorrow?"
Me: "Sounds good. What time?"
Receptionist: "2:30."
I froze, locked eyes with her, and slowly began to grin.
Me: "Are you serious?"
Receptionist: "Umm... yes?"
Me: "Are you telling me I have a dentist appointment at Tooth Hurty?!"
She completely lost it. I think I've officially peaked as a father.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism - it’s a light sentence, but they’re given time to reflect
An Orca can swim much faster me, while I can certainly out run the Orca.
So, in a triathlon, it would come down to which of us is the better cyclist.
I just had a shotgun wedding
It was a wife or death decision.
Some people say that the USA is the stupidest country in the world.
Well I'm American and I say that the stupidest country in the world is Alaska.
I’ve been dating an entomologist for over a year now…
And she still gives me butterflies.
If Squidward is an octopus then why do they call him "Squidward"?
Because his other name would be Ockward.
Ditzy husband to wife, “Honey, I think I know why you have been gaining weight.” Wife, “Let’s hear it”
Husband, “Pretty sure it’s your shampoo. It says on the bottle that it creates extra body.”
I was at an Estate sale this weekend...I found a TV for sale with a sign saying, “Stuck on maximum volume, only $5.00".
Thought to myself, “I can’t turn that down!”
Im now three years into my sentence.
So I finally decided, that writing isn't for me.
What do you give a scientist with bad breath?
Experi-mints
To whoever took my bright yellow t-shirt and running shoes,
You can run, but you can't hide!
“do not touch”…
must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Be nice to your dentists.
He has fillings too.
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.He phones the police and says, "Bejesas, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "Is it tickin?"
and Paddy says, "No, I tink its beef"
What is a consequence of going to war with Iran?
Your gas Israeli high!
How do you send mail in the afterlife?
You go to the post office!
I told my wife i wanted to be cremated.
She made an appointment for Tuesday.
Whenever I play chess with an Australian, they think I'm a friend.
Dunno why, but they always say "check, mate".
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one nightThe waiter came over and they gave their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy. 'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy. 'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy. 'the chocolate cheesecake, with whipped cream, please', said the second piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.
'Pardon my curiosity,' said the waiter to the third little piggy, 'But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'
The third piggy says -
'Well, SOMEBODY has to go "Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
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