Why is Vader called Lord?
Because calling him "Master" made all of the Stormtroopers giggle.
I asked the bank manager why they keep denying me a home loan. I said, “It’s because my job pays me in soothing succulents, isn’t it?”
He said, “Exactly… we consider that aloe income.”
I just read a book entitled " how to survive falling down a staircase"
It's a step by step guide published last fall.
Have you heard about Chris Pine's wife, Sue?
She's really laid back.
Did you hear about the chronic masturbator who passed away?
He died after three strokes
What was the last thing Grandpa said before he kicked the bucket?
Let’s see how far I can kick this bucket
What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A spectator.
I walked past a Vietnamese restaurant today...
...called Pho de Nguyen. Took me sec, but I got it. Ftw!
I got attacked by one, three, five, seven and nine.
The odds were against me.
A baby buffalo went to his mother and came out as bisexual to her.
He's a bi-son now.
Without nipples
Boobs would be pointless
A true dinner time storyTonight, we were eating burgers, and one of my kids decided to try to look into the hole in the ketchup bottle.
Kid: “Why can’t I see into the ketchup bottle?”
Me: “Because you wear glasses.”
Kid: “Why does that matter?”
Me: “Because Heinz-sight is 20/20!”
Wife: huge eye roll
It was glorious!
Why did the beans move to Australia?
Because they wanted to live in Cairns!
I saw an army of babies walking down the street this morning.
I think it was the infantry.
I don't like computer science jokes.
Not one bit.
The initial consultation with our fertility doctor was conveniently over video. At the end of the call I said, “Too bad we can’t get pregnant this way.”
The doctor said, “Yeah, for that you’re going to need to come in person.”
I was just assaulted by man with a block of cheese….
I mean, how dairy!
Henry Winkler has launched the Happy Days Crypto Currency
He denied allegations that it is a Fonzie scheme.
My friend won't stop making bird puns.
But toucan play that game.
I tried to start a new hobby of dangling off famous towers, but i didn't last beyond the first one.
Eiffel.
What do you get when a red ship crashes into a blue ship?
Marooned sailors .
I went to a therapist for a year to deal with bereavement.I found out this week he had passed away and I couldn't care less.
He was fantastic at his job.
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
The other one could not comment.
A magician was walking down the street.
Suddenly, he turned into a grocery store
I just got sent to the principles office.
During English class I accidentally miswrote Peace as Piece. I’m now dealing with accusations of Homophonia.
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