Bad news, everyone. I’ve been diagnosed with the peekaboo virus.
They’re sending me to the ICU!
[Warning! 18+]
19
If a stork delivers a baby, what kind of bird gets rid of a baby?
A swallow
Why was Riker upset when Troi cooked him dinner?
She said that she got her crabs straight from the wharf
I taught my car how to read and write.
Now it's going to write an Autobiography
Why can’t Data from Star Trek give birth?
He can’t do contractions.
Do you guys know what gay horses eat?
HAAAAAAAAAAAAY
Bilbo Baggins fought a long and courageous battle against death. His final words were...
"Old hobbits die hard".
Im lactose intolerant but my friend gave me milk
How dairy
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you
You have my word.
I went to a bookstore and saw a book titled “How to solve 50% of your problems”.
I bought two copies.
I was once addicted to soap.
But now I'm clean!
I knew a guy who was arrested for stealing hay.
Unfortunately, he couldn’t make bale.
I can't speak Arabic Today...When I was sick and I was in Arabic class, I said I can't speak Arabic today because
I have a bad Qaf (ق).
I met a witch for the first time today, but I think I'd seen her black kitten before.
He seemed a little familiar.
At dinner, I told my date, “Jeez, I am freezing!” She said, “I’ll go ask if they have a space heater.”
I said, “No thanks, I need something for down here.”
I told my Polish Grandmother I didn’t like dumplings…
She told me that’s my pierogitive
A pizza...
is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza is left.
Why isn’t Jonathan Ross very good at Star Wars impressions?
He’s a Wookie
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2.
Recently encountered a cat made of Lithium, Oxygen, and NitrogenIt was a LiON
Sorry, I typically post chemistry jokes periodically
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…
..then there’s something wrong with your dog.
Why was the Penguin so popular?
Because he was an ice guy!
Win today
I have 2 stepdaughters and a biological son with my wife. Today I won a silly event at a show dinner in front of my kids. It was so stupid (bucket brigade) but it was in front of them. My son and youngest stepdaughter were so proud to see daddy win. It was a really cool feeling with them especially my son. Something I’m still riding high on. I don’t really have anyone to share this with so figured I would here. My son hasn’t stopped talking about watching daddy win and I’m a very happy man.
You might think your grass is nicer than your neighbor’s, but it’s best to keep that opinion to yourself.
You don’t need to start a turf war.
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