My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...
But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
Dating a girl who used cedar instead of silicone for breast implants would be weird…
…wooden tit.
Over 100 years ago, two brothers announced they could fly.
Turns out they were Wright.
Dad jokes can be NSFW. And i'm gonna say why.
Why
I once dated a girl with a wooden leg
It was going well for a while, but eventually we broke it off.
I refuse to go to funerals
I'm just not a mourning person
Next week is Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday
A photographer was crushed today when a massive block of cheddar fell on him.
To be fair, the people he was photographing tried to warn him.
A farmer tells his neighbor, "My horse is so smart, he can count.""No way!" "Watch." The farmer asks, "Horse, what's 2 + 3?" The horse stomps his hoof five times. The neighbor is amazed. "What's 4 + 4?" The horse stomps eight times. "Incredible!" Then the neighbor asks, "What's the square root of 1?"
The horse looks at him for a moment and says:
" Are you kidding me? I'm just a horse"
I used to have a job delivering Eggs Benedict
Yup, those were my haulin days…
There's this misconception that goldfish have short term memory loss.
But also the misconception that goldfish have short term memory loss.
My girlfriend told me what she likes in a man.My girlfriend told me last night that she loves it when men pull up their sleeves and show their forearms.
Well that's me screwed - I only have two.
I rushed my pregnant wife to the hospital as soon as she told me she couldn’t, wouldn’t, and shouldn’t stay at home any more.
I knew right then and there that she was having too many rapid contractions.
"I can hear fruits talking.""So what does this orange say?"
"No idea. It's speaking Mandarin."
Went to a diner with a couple I know. They started arguing.
Normally, I'm not one to take sides, but they were so distracted by yelling at each other that I stole her fries and his cole slaw...
What are the odds Eminem becomes a transgender Catholic?
Slim to Nun?
I truly hate escalators in malls
I take steps to avoid them
Last night I accidentally drank some invisible ink
I went to the hospital and I waited all night to be seen.
My optometrist isn’t getting many customers
They’re suffering from a low eye queue..
Dreamt last night I was a muffler
Woke up exhausted.....
What do you call a fake potato?
An imitater!
I had to get part of my large intestine removed after a punctuation mark got stuck in there.
Now I have to live with a semicolon.
The police have a report of a lady without underwear climbing a ladder.
They said officers are following up on this.
A photographer was tragically crushed when a massive block of cheddar fell on him.
In fairness, the people he was photographing did try to warn him.
“I bought a sheepdog.”“Old English?”
“Ic gebohte scéaphund.”
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