A man walked into a pharmacy and wandered up and down the aisles looking at many things. After a while a salesclerk noticed and asked if he needed any help. He told her he was looking for a box of tampons for his wife and she directed him to the correct aisle.A few minutes later he brought a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string and placed them on the counter.
Seeing this, the clerk said, “Sir, I don't want to be nosy, and feel free not to answer me, but I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife. What gives?"
"You see, it's like this,” he replied.. “Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers because "it's sooooooo much cheaper.”
So I figure if I have to roll my own so does she.”
Little Nancy, 8, was filling a hole in her garden when a nosy neighbor peered over the fence and asked “What are you doing?” Nancy replied, “Well my goldfish died so I just buried him” The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said in a condescending tone, “That’s an awful big hole for a tiny goldfish”
As Nancy used her shovel to pat down the last heap of earth she replied, "Well, he's in your cat.”
My mother has a twin sister that loves to fish. She fishes so often, she smells of fish.
We affectionately call her Aunt Chovie.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
“You know… one would’ve been enough.”
When I was a kid, I could walk into a store with $1 and walk out with 4 candy bars.
Now they have cameras everywhere.
Alcohol and calculus should never mix.
Don’t drink and derive
I spilled a drink on my collared shirt
It is now a tea shirt
TIL the movie Hereditary was named as such because of how certain things are passed thru bloodlines
… not because her head hit a tree …
My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet...
You can hide, but you can't run!
What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken
How do you keep someone dumb in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow.
I’m moving from the US to Europe and my friend asked if my new house has a yard. I said no…
It has a meter.
Bought one of those ‘smart light switches’ but it was much too clever
So I replaced it with a dimmer switch
The whole town turned against me when I made fun of our coastal infrastructure
I just wanted to disappear
On the first day of our family trip up the coast of Maine, my son pointed and said, “Dad, look! There’s a lighthouse!”
I said, “No, son… it’s actually pretty heavy.”
I just bought a new 120' 3D TV.
Or a window as most people call it.
I shoplifted a hat and forgot to take the label off.
Now I've got a price on my head.
Most people are shocked
Whenthey find out how bad i am as an electrician
What do ducks eat with their soup?
Quackers!
"That's a nice ham you got there." The butcher said...
"Would be a shame if I put 's' in front of it and 'e' at the end..."
Which radio station does Sisyphus listen to?
Non-stop rock
dad jokes
My dad is still sleeping since last night, and is telling us that the rest means
My local bird sanctuary banned me from telling dad jokes.
The last one killed two birds with one groan.
I told my wife I’ll surprise her on her birthday
She was surprised when I came back home with no gift
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