What’s the difference between the USA and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will develop a culture.
Dad Joke (topical)"Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?"
"Because it's an anagram of Easter and your mum loves Easter.
"Thanks dad"
"No problem Alan"
I heard Charles Dickens' "A Tale of Two Cities" was first serialized in a local newspaper.It was the Bicester Times,
it was the Worcester Times.
I often read dad jokes here and think to myself, "That's not funny at all!" or "Come on man! Another repost!?" or "Boooooriiiiing!" And then...
I press 'Submit'...
My wife was on the phone, trying to take a message when she asked me to get her something hard to write on.
So I handed her a pillow.
My daughter asked if i've seen the dog bowl
I said, "i didn't even know he could"
The US pilot shared how he evaded capture after his plane was shot down.
He said: “Iran”
Man: Excuse me bus driver, do you know how long the next bus will be?
Bus driver: About thirty feet, six inches.
Got the wife so good earlierToddler:
does something mischievous Wife: "Oooh, I wonder where he gets THAT from?!" looks at me
Me: "I know exactly who he gets that from. In fact, I hung a picture of the culprit in the bathroom right above the sink."
Wife: "...wait, really?"
Me: "Yeah, go look."
To my astonishment and delight, she actually goes into the bathroom and looks above the sink where, of course, she sees her reflection in the bathroom mirror
She comes back out shaking her head in defeat. She tries to glare at me but she can't help but smile.
I still got it, folks!
My boss said he was going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it’s going to be me.
Which crayon at the Crayola factory is in charge of answering the phones?
Yellow
Airport security reluctantly allowed me to bring a set of jumper cables on the plane
They said it was ok, but I better not try to start anything.
How does the farmer tuck his cows in for the night?
He tells them it’s pasture bedtime
What do you call a girl who’s always cold?
Amber
Why can't you breathe in outer space?
Because you're on Earth.
What did the Easter Egg say to the boiling water?“It’s gonna take a while to get me hard. I just got laid by some chick.”
submitted by
/u/fintechSGNYC [link] [comments] My dog likes to lick the water off my legs when I get out of the shower. Today my wife took the dog outside right when I finished showering.I can't believe she denied our dog her ritual, and on a calf-lick holiday too!
True story and got my wife good with it this morning, Happy Easter!
A man tells the doctor he eats billiard balls for every meal—red for breakfast, black for lunch, and blue for dinner.
The doctor says, "I see the problem... not enough greens."
As a usual tea drinker, I decided to try coffee for once.
It really wasn't my cup of tea.
Why does a dog wag his tail?
Because no one else will wag it for him!
Why did the Easter egg hide?
Because it was a little chicken
What’s the difference between a golf ball and a Mercedes?
Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 300 yards without hitting a tree
Which country makes the longest wrench?
Torque-menistan!
Why is the optometrists office like the circus?(I just made this up)
Because there are so many spectacles.
What do you call someone who isn’t sure if the Easter Bunny is real?
An Eggnostic
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