I told my wife I’m disappointed in how tight all her skirts and blouses are.
She said, “Then lose some weight.”
A man walks into a bar with a small newt on his shoulder. The bartender said, “What an interesting pet. What’s his name?” “Tiny,” the man replied. The bartender said, “That’s an odd name. Why did you call him Tiny?”
“Because he’s my newt.”
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
Whats worse than a lobster on your piano?
Crabs on your organ
Chuck Norris just got shot
The bullet is in critical condition.
How do you tell the sex of a chromosome?
Pull down it's genes.
I decided to write a new version of the orchestral piece "Bolero", where instead of the music beginning softly and then slowly rising to a great crescendo, exactly the opposite happens: it starts loud and lively and slowly diminishes to something soft.
I guess you could say I am un-Raveling the piece.
I’m reading a horror story in braille.
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
This dadjokes subreddit seems obsessed with Chuck Norris jokes.
It's a Van Damme shame.
A man goes to see his Doctor…Says “Doc, I think my wife is going deaf. She can’t hear anything I’m telling her. But she’s too proud to get her hearing checked.” The doctor says, “try an at-home test. Stand a good distance away from her and ask her something. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and try again. See how close you need to be for her to hear you.”
So the man goes home, and when he comes through the front door he can hear his wife in their bedroom upstairs. So, from the door he says “honey, how was your day?” No answer. So, he moves to the top of the stairs and tries again. “Honey, how was your day?” No answer again. So he goes up to the open bedroom door, looks right at his wife a mere 10 feet away, and says loudly “Honey, HOW WAS YOUR DAY?”
She whips around and shouts “FOR THE THIRD F***ING TIME, IT WAS FINE! HOW WAS YOURS?!”
Missed the aim and the joke.Wife - "Honey i think I'm pregnant"
Husband - "Seriously?!"
(They go to the doc for a checkup)
Doc - "I'm sorry mam, it was a false positive. You're not pregnant."
Husband - "I guess you can call that a.... Misconception."
I don’t think we do enough to celebrate the African-American who sculpted one of the heads on Mt. Rushmore…
…George Washington Carver
There was a time Chuck Norris hit a horse with uppercut.
That's how giraffes got created.
Santa takes pictures of cookies and milk left for him. Rudolph takes pictures of his nose. What pictures do the Elves take?
Elfies!
Don't throw false teeth at your vehicle.You might denture car.
Edit: wrote wrong word lol
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
It ended my Korea.
What kind of music do the sons of Metallica, Slipknot and KISS members make?
Heir Metal
What's the point of a pyramid?
Right on the top, I think.
Where did Luke get his cybernetic hand?
The second hand store.
We've all seen a refrigerator run, a microwave, and a kitchen sink.
But I just saw a toilet bowl. It was striking!
I asked my wife to pass me a cookie and she answered: "I think you have a weight problem."
So I said: "I know. I still wait for that cookie."
I hired a painter to do a family portrait, but he keeps drawing us as Star Trek villains.
Turns out he’s a Khan artist.
A printer and a fax machine got into an argument. The fax machine won.
Because he was spitting fax.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.
She then gave me a hug.
I told a joke to a Hawaiian, to try and make him laugh, but I don't think he liked it.
He just let out a low "ha."
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