My kids told me I have every board game except one.
I had no Clue.
What does a robot do after sex?
He nuts and bolts
I opened up a shop that sells erectile dysfunction pills.
I called it "No Hard Feelings"
Wife yells from upstairs: "Hey do you ever get a really sharp pain in your heart area, almost like someone is using a voodoo doll against you?"Husband: "no"
Wife: "How about now?"
A cupcake and a doughnut go on a date.
The cupcake says "I'm a Capricorn. How about you?"
The doughnut says "I'm a torus."
There's nothing sexier than German women doing handstands.
They really turn my Frauen upside down.
Man: I invented a thought-controlled air freshener
Woman: That's ridiculous Man: It makes scents when you think about it.
My grandad keeps buying cheap knockoff electronics from ebay. He keeps insisting the speakers are Sony, the subwoofer is Bose, but they definitely aren’t
I find older people often have a problem with misleading stereo types
I don’t usually tell dad jokes in the shower
But when I do, he screams, “GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!”
Somebody asked me to join the tattered tie club.
I said, frayed knot.
What's the crappiest punctuation mark?
The colon.
At a doctor's appointment today he asked me if I drank or smoked cigarettes.
Told him I prefer to smoke them
Did you hear the duck finally quacked?
It confessed all its quimes.
Why is maple syrup always sad?
It’s sappy.
Once I had a cross-eyed girlfriend, it just didn't work out. We just couldn't see eye to eye!
Now that I think about it, she may have been seeing someone on the side!
I use to date this girl who would count every single step she took.
Wonder what's shes up to now
What did the escalator say when it stopped working?
Nothing. It just stops and stairs.
If you suck at playing the trumpet
Thats probably why
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
They had a fight and 71.
If anyone knows how to repair broken hinges,
My door is always open. . .
What’s it called when someone is murdered by a cabbage?
Slaw-der.
Why don’t skunks have to pay taxes?
Because they only have one scent
Accidentally dropped my keyboard and a bunch of keys popped off. I managed to find all of them except one.
I will find u.
I was able to get a picture with my favorite band REM.
Look, That's me in the corner!
What do vegan zombies eat?
GRAAAIIINNNS!
top
