Did you know that Spider-Man has a Winter jacket made out of flatbread?
It's a Pita Parka
It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But harder to deter gents.
My wife looked out the window and asked, “How did you finally get our lawn to grow like that?” I said, “Every morning this week, I sprinkled my protein powder on the wet grass.”
She nodded. “Ah… well that was whey over dew.”
where do you find Bigfoot in the library?
in the large print section
Job interview
A guy is interviewing for a job at a factory. During the interview, he spots a dime on the floor across the room, walks over and picks it up.
The interviewer says, "You know what, I think you'd make a great boss here."
Surprised, the guy asks, "Why's that?"
The interviewer says “ because you have super vision skills.
Rice-shaped pasta? Doesn't exist
Orzo I thought.
I'm really good at spelling bees
Bees B E E S bees
Why is Apple's new folding phone a cracking good deal?
Because the price is great, but the design is completely unhinged.
I crossed cheetah and crab DNA.
It went sideways really fast.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter
Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer.
Thereisnospacebar.
What’s made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones
IT IS MILDLY SHOCKING that those who call themselves a FLORIST,...
...know ABSOLUTELY nothing about installing linoleum.
No one looks better than you in that reddish-orange dress.
You’re one in vermillion!
Did you hear about the Transformer who's move is to just play dead until the trouble blows over?
Opossumus Prime.
My wife swears she can hear our baby from three miles away. I told her that's ridiculous.
Honestly, it's a far cry from the truth.
Due to inflation, my ADHD diagnosis has been changed
Now I have ADSD with ads
I made a joke about Sigmund Freud.
But some people are too Jung to understand it.
What do you call an irritable German?
A sauerkraut.
Wife: Why don’t you tell me anything anymore?
Husband: I have updated my privacy policy
Who designs all the buildings in the oceans?
Sharkitects.
Just saw a bag of cashews in the store for $11.49
That’s nuts.
What's the worst series to make a Lego version of?
One Piece
Grandson jokeHe was sooo excited
Grandson. Grandpa! Why do ducks have feathers?
Me. To keep them dry and warm?
Grandson. No- so you don’t see their butt quack.
Both of us rolling on the floor laughing
My wife spent 20 minutes telling me a story about an 8-foot scarf she knitted.
It was a long yarn.
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