If Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were both killed by a rampaging ostrich...
...would that be a case of killing two Stones with one bird?
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s scared of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why did the baker make unleavened bread?
He took the path of yeast resistance.
A phlebotomist, a physical trainer, and a wedding cake designer formed a band
They’re called Blood, Sweat, and Tiers
What’s the difference between a cheap guy at a restaurant and a worker packaging silicone breast implants?
One’s a shitty tipper……
Why was the gay lawyer so popular?
He got a lot of guys off
My friend Jay just had twin daughters and wanted to name them after himself.
I suggested Kaye and Elle.
My friends telling me I need to understand the female gaze better to get a girlfriend
But I thought those were lesbians?
A man went into a building he'd never been to before to find a book, all he found were books on genital anatomy.
No one told him it was a pubic library.
I've a female relative who gets very angry when someone compares her to French bakery items.
She's a cross aunt.
A thief stole Ketchup
He was caught red handed.
This is a message to the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office.
I will find you. You have my Word.
Yesterday, I couldn’t tell if someone was waving at me or the person behind me.
On an unrelated note, I lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.
U Haul.
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, did he just bust a move?
What do you do with a Lego hospital?
Plastic surgery.
What happens to Mariah Carey if everybody hates her?
She becomes Pariah Carey
British lords once debated for hours after dinner what to call their warriors
Eventually they called it a knight.
My gun fell in love with me
Call that a smitten wesson.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me…
…I could do it with my eyes closed.
Someone insulted my honor for being foreign born, so I got naturalized to fight him.
Now I’m a duel citizen.
A perfectionist walks into a bar and immediately turns around and leaves.
Apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.
Time flies like an arrow...
Fruit flies like a banana.
Did you know you can now watch a small, flowing body of water from home?
Yep, you can stream it.
Me: Doctor doctor, I keep forgetting everything.Doctor: When did this start?
Me: Start what?
A man walks into a bar. The second man ducks.
(It was a metal bar and not an actual pub)
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