Today I bought 2 bananas, an apple, and a pack of cigarettes.
The cashier looked at me and said, "You must be single, huh?" And I'm like, "How do you know that?" She said, "Because you're ugly."
My wife asked "Why do you always walk in front of me?"
I said "Sorry?..., I don't follow you."
What do you call a calculator that does not procrastinate?
Calcusooner
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
Satis-factory
I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says "Terror".
Then I can say to people "Look, it's a terrorwrist!"
What is Pac man's favorite cooking utensil?
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok
When i was young we were so poor we had a clock that was just rock.
they were hard times
I said Hi to all my appliances
But only the microwaved.
My teacher told me to turn in my essay.
I told her I ain't no snitch.
I told my wife I'm going to take us out to a nice restaurant this HalloweeenWife: which restaurant?
Me: no I think it's run by Vampires.
I re-labeled all of the jars on my wife’s spice rack.
She hasn’t noticed yet, but the thyme is cumin.
How many is a Brazilian?I don't know, but I do know it's more times than you want to get whacked. A friend of mine got a Brazilian whacks and hurt for a long time after.
(borrowed from a comment thread on another joke)
Where do you find sleepy Vikings?Snoreway!
Credit goes to my 7 year old
I used to make dad jokes before I was a dad...
But back then I was a faux pas
Going to Milk it a LittleWife asked if I could pick up a gallon of milk, I told her of course I could, it only weighs maybe 8 lbs.
She then corrected herself and said "no, from the store." So I got confused and asked "why would it be any heavier at the store?"
I'd make a construction joke
But I'm still working on it
My friend recently started teaching math to midgets..
He says it's important to make the little things count.
Why are elephants so wise?
it comes with getting long in the tooth
My wife insists on being the one that does our taxes
She's Intuit
They say that having fish tanks can help soothe mental and physical pain.it's probably because of all the indoor fins.
(I'm nowhere near as sorry as I should be! 😹)
Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by putting it in water?
If it sinks it’s girl ant. If it floats it’s boy ant.
Never give away good advice for free.
Except this one.
In a French restaurantI was in a French restaurant the other day and asked the waiter
" have you got frogs legs?"
"Oui monsieur"
"Well hop off to the kitchen and bring me a cheese sandwich"
What did the fashion student do when she missed her final exam?
She had to take a makeup exam.
Whenever I wear anything from Nike, I always feel incredibly itchy and feel anemic
I think it's cause of all the ticks
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