Why did the Dalai Lama go to Vegas?
Tibet.
Silence is golden -- unless you have children.
Then, silence is suspicious.
The morning light caught her in the kitchen as she prepared a pair of soft-boiled eggs
Wearing only a 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all. Right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck. A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained - 'The egg timer's broken!'
I had a scheme where only the old people were going to win at the olympics
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for all those medaling kids
What’s a stalker and a Pokémon nerd got in common?
They both hide in the bushes trying to get a Pikachu.
The doctor told his patient that he was going to die soon because of Mercury in UranusThe patient said “I don’t believe in astrology”
The doctor said “Neither do I; my anal thermometer just broke in your backside”
What do you call karate for amputees ?
Partial arts
I hope Poland never changes their flag by removing the white part from it.
That would be a red flag.
I was addicted to soap.
I'm clean now.
Did you know that in the middle ages, it was customary for playwrights to give the King exquisite shirts when depicting him in a play?
They had to pay royal tees to use his likeness!
What do you call it when your friends go to the Brazilian steakhouse without you?
FOMO de chao
Why does Alpha-Bits only contain letters?
They didn’t want cereal numbers to appear on the box
This morning heard music coming from down the hall, but when I went there, there was nobody, only a player piano with a note that reads:
Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.
What happens if you pave your own driveway, and it doesn’t come out well?
It’s your own asphalt!
True story my friend's teenager son actually asked me if I just thought of it on the spotMy friend's son who's 15 is staying with us. My son in grade 4 asked me what translucent meant.
I said, "I'm trying to remember but it's not completely clear."
And the 15yo was genuinely impressed.
Keep forging on, friend's. There's a world of people just waiting for your lame one-liners
The school keeps calling to tell me about my son’s incessant lying…
The kid must be good because I don’t even have a son!
I drink a lot of coffee
It's how I espresso myself
Why is the first year of marriage the hardest?
Because you're still marrynating.
I was writing a movie script and I still have to decide what to do about the gun
Yet another thing I need to checkov
What do you call a good, corny joke?
A maize zing.
Did you hear the rumour about butter?
Well I'm not going to go spreading it.
I once hired a limo
but when it arrived, the guy driving it walked off! I said "Excuse me? Are you not going to drive me?" The guy told me that the price didn't include a driver… so I'd spent $400 on a limo and have nothing to chauffeur it!
It bothers me, that the word "pacifist"...
... contains a fist.
What is the loudest dessert?
I scream.
I ordered a vault and a speaker off Amazon...
they arrived safe and sound.
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