Dad: When two people have sex, it's a twosome. When three people have sex, it's threesome
Son: Now I know why people call you handsome
Son: "Dad, today I watched someone do 50 pushups, do you think could you do that?"
Dad: "of course son, don't want to brag but I could probably watch someone do 100 push-ups"
Mick Jagger once tried to become a math teacher, but he didn’t last very long.
Apparently, he couldn’t get no stats or fractions.
I have a bad habit of second guessing all the decisions I make.
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Neighbor kid came to look at my CD collectionNeighbor kid named Jimmy came to look at my CD collection. He tried to put one back but cracked the CD on it's case. It wasn't my favorite so it was fine.
Jimmy cracked Korn and I don't care.
I just found out that my father’s will says that if he’s ever hospitalized, I get to decide where he goes on the stretcher.
Apparently, that gives me power of a gurney.
My wife read a draft of a mystery novel I'm working on. She goes, "I don't get it... in chapter two you randomly wrote 'shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow'... what the hell does that even mean??"
I'm like, "Babe... it's called four-shadowing."
The internet connection at the farm is really sketchy, so the farmer moved the modem to the barn.
Now they have stable wifi.
I'm opening a Vietnamese/Italian fusion restaurant
I call it Pho-geddaboudit.
I was told that you could view a solar eclipse through a colander.
I tried it and ended up straining my eyes.
My uncle has a stutter and went to prison…
I’m afraid he’ll never finish his sentence
Why vampires don't cause unwanted pregnancies?
Because they can't come inside uninvited!
I was about to ask two leopards to switch seats with me and my wife
My wife said don’t bother, they never change their spots.
What do horses do when they get tired?
They hit the hay
Microsoft is bundling Microsoft Flight Simulator with Copilot
It's a really boring game now called "Microsoft Passenger."
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Doesn’t matter. She ain’t gonna come anyway.
My son hit me with a Dad Joke so strong I had to sit down.So I’m making breakfast this morning and I ask my son,
“Want scrambled or fried?”
He looks me dead in the eye and says:
“Whichever one is egg‑cellent, father.”
I gave my daughter a locket for her sixteenth birthday.
Now she is independent.
Mary and Joseph quickly realized that Jesus was divine.
He could finish a carpentry project without going back to Home Depot one single time.
You likely know what Murphy’s law is, but do you know Cole’s law?
It’s cabbage, carrots, mayonnaise, and salt all mixed together.
An accident at the Kodak factory has exposed millions of dollars worth of film to light rendering it worthless.
More details as they develop.
Why would Joey Chestnut make a great veterinarian?
He’s skilled at putting down dogs.
What happens if you slide down a grassy hill in Spain?
You get a gracias.
"Tell us a joke!"Absolutely not.
I would never trellis a joke.
Jokes should stand under their own weight.
How warm is a baby at birth?I don’t know…
Womb temperature.
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