My wife asked "Why do you always walk in front of me?"
I said "Sorry?..., I don't follow you."
What do you call a calculator that does not procrastinate?
Calcusooner
I re-labeled all of the jars on my wife’s spice rack.
She hasn’t noticed yet, but the thyme is cumin.
My teacher told me to turn in my essay.
I told her I ain't no snitch.
Going to Milk it a LittleWife asked if I could pick up a gallon of milk, I told her of course I could, it only weighs maybe 8 lbs.
She then corrected herself and said "no, from the store." So I got confused and asked "why would it be any heavier at the store?"
They say that having fish tanks can help soothe mental and physical pain.it's probably because of all the indoor fins.
(I'm nowhere near as sorry as I should be! 😹)
What is Pac man's favorite cooking utensil?
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok
Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by putting it in water?
If it sinks it’s girl ant. If it floats it’s boy ant.
Where do you find sleepy Vikings?Snoreway!
Credit goes to my 7 year old
I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says "Terror".
Then I can say to people "Look, it's a terrorwrist!"
Due to a clerical error, my name is “Name”.
I’d change it, but I’m not one to name Names.
At the party last night, there was a girl wearing the same teeshirt as me.
It was a tight fit but we managed
My granddad sold abacuses for a living during the sixties...
He was part of the counter culture.
What do you call an Archbishop named Juan who also has a son named Juan?
Juansignor
Why is a calculator so easy to use?Because they are
counter inuitive!
Guys I just thought of this. is it any good? I don't think my wife got it. I think it's brilliant.
I have no problems with buying tampons, I am a fairly modern man.
But apparently they’re not a ‘proper’ present.
I told my wife I'm going to take us out to a nice restaurant this HalloweeenWife: which restaurant?
Me: no I think it's run by Vampires.
They told me that if I wanted to meet someone new, I had to go where the women are, and they were right!
The strip club is great. I'm getting lots of attention and spending way less money than when I was dating.
Electricity.My wife told our son not to play with electricity.
Now he's grounded.
Where do you find a straight line of horny cows?
Strait of hor-moos
My dog gets bit by ducks at the park
I should know better than to take him there because he's pure bread
What do you call Big Boi and André 3000 from OutKast with a bad injury?
InKast
My social media algorithms are stuck on early 2000s actresses and deep sea fishing.
It’s very Jessica Alba-Core.
When does a regular joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I was concerned when my friend bought a bird dressed as a clown.
I think he’s had a funny tern.
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