Ditzy husband to wife, “Honey, I think I know why you have been gaining weight.” Wife, “Let’s hear it”
Husband, “Pretty sure it’s your shampoo. It says on the bottle that it creates extra body.”
I’ve been dating an entomologist for over a year now…
And she still gives me butterflies.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or your geography!”…Puzzled, the teller asks, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber yells, “Don’t change the subject!"
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism - it’s a light sentence, but they’re given time to reflect
I told my wife i wanted to be cremated.
She made an appointment for Tuesday.
How many ship wrecks are on the bottom of the sea?
All of them.
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one nightThe waiter came over and they gave their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy. 'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy. 'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy. 'the chocolate cheesecake, with whipped cream, please', said the second piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.
'Pardon my curiosity,' said the waiter to the third little piggy, 'But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'
The third piggy says -
'Well, SOMEBODY has to go "Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.He phones the police and says, "Bejesas, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "Is it tickin?"
and Paddy says, "No, I tink its beef"
Newton is credited with the theory of gravity
Before that it was all up in the air.
A man arrives home and says to his wife: "What would you do if I told you I had a winning lottery ticket?"She replies, "Honestly? I would take my half and leave you."
"Great!" says the man, and hands her $10. "Here's your half. Now pack your bags."
What is a consequence of going to war with Iran?
Your gas Israeli high!
I was in Australia and learnt the word boo in an Aboriginal means "to return"
Because if you throw a normal meringue, it doesn't come back
I sent Coldplay a fruit basket full of ripe bananas. 🍌
They were all yellow.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender: says: "Hey!"
Horse: "Yes, please!"
Toad from super Mario bros walks into a bar, the bartender says…
“You look like a fungi.”
I spotted an albino Dalmatian today
it was the least I could do
My wife said, “You never listen to a word I say!”
I thought… that’s a strange way to start a conversation.
What do you call a Japanese Pasta showing its gratitude?
Arigatoni
My wife and I are renovating our kitchen. She went on and on about why we must use marble for the island. “It’s timeless, it adds value, and every slab is unique.” I said, “Well, I say granite is better because it looks pretty cool.” She goes, “Pretty cool? That’s all you have to say about it?”
I stood there in silence, not knowing what else to say because that was my best counterargument.
My good friend Doreen was standing by herself in the corner, looking pretty glumSo I walked over and asked "Whassa matter, Dor?"
She shook her head slowly and said, "It's a guy that fights bulls. But I'm too upset to talk about that now."
I finally found out why Uranus sounds so weird.
It's the only planet in our solar system NOT named after a Roman God.
My teenagers were making fun of me for using outdated sayings…
So i said “weird flex, but ok”
Landscaper came by my house, he had a HUGE oak tree on his trailer. Said he was working in my neighborhood and had this one tree left, and that if he planted it in my yard right now it would only be 200 dollars!
I declined. Because it seemed shady
Don't spell part backwards because
It's a trap.
Arab.
What do call the strongest Arab ?
A protein Shake ….
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