I have always preferred the British spelling for "diarrhea".
"Diarrhoea" really looks like you've lost control of your vowels.
I am getting stronger with old age
I can now lift $100 of groceries with one hand
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle.
Attire
I told my boss there was a hole in the women's bathroom door
He said, "I'm going to look into that right away!"
Man: There’s no more spots left on the archery team
Me: maybe you can pull some strings?
When women get to a certain age, they start collecting dogs and cats
It's called manypaws
In England it's called a lift, but in America it's called an elevator.
I guess people are just raised differently.
What do you call a magic dog?
A Labracadabrador.
My wife said she spent all day making jelly. I asked her what the hardest part was. She leaned over and shouted the answer into my ear.
It was jarring.
People are shocked when they realise......
.......that I'm not a qualified electrician.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
I asked my friend to tell a dad joke
He told me he was an orphan
Benign molesCaptain Hook, a pirate (ICYDK), went to a dermatologist to examine suspicious moles on his neck.
"They're benign", the doctor assured the Captain.
“Argh,” said Hook. “Check again doc. I counted there be ten!”
yeah
I'm developing a game where you have to go back to assassinate Adam.
It's a first person shooter.
Did you hear the new name for iPhone chargers?
Apple juice.
Scientists have figured out there's a special part of the brain that helps us figure out what types of sandwiches we like.
It's called your sub-conscious...
How can you tell when a man is ready to be a dad?
If his girlfriend or wife says "I'm pregnant" and he says "Hi pregnant i'm dad"
I asked my dad what a "sale" is
He explained the concept and then I said: "Thank you so much. It's means a great deal to me"
Daughter and I were getting cookies last nightShe’s concentrating really hard on picking the perfect pair of cookies for hers at the kiosk
me: Hey, I mustache you a question
her: (without looking) that’s terrible, you don’t even have a mustache.
me: I mustache you to look again
me: (holding a mustache sticker up to my face)
her: (cracks up, despite her best efforts) How long have you been hiding that sticker
me: I’d rather not say, it’ll shave me some embarrassment
her: ... ok. that was actually pretty good
This is the last straw.
No really, I need more.
What did Russell Crowe say when he found out about Armie Hammer being a cannibal?
“What do I care? I’m Gladiator”
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but no lighter
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
What pasta shape is forbidden from the broadway theater awards show?
Rigatoni.
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
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