After dinner, I asked my wife, "if chatting alot means you're chatty...After dinner, I asked my wife,
"if chatting alot means you're chatty, and giggling alot means you're giggly, then what's the word for someone who is cooking alot?"
Wife: "cookie?"
Me: Yes please with milk
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend.
She was obsessed with an X.
A genie gave me 1 wish, and I said I just want to be happy,
now I am living in a cottage with 6 other dwarves and working in a mine......
An Engineer was unemployed for a long time.He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get $1,000.”
One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “This is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”
Doctor: “But this is $500…”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Went shopping today, and couldn't remember whether I needed beer and eggs. So to be safe I bought both.
Six of one and half a dozen of the other.
A man walks into a shop and asks the shopkeeper: “Do you have any of those round batteries?”The shopkeeper responds: “Is it for a clock?”
“I don’t know”, says the man, “that’s why I need the batteries!”
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
Because they don’t have the guts. 💀😂
A lady and gentleman are meeting for the first timeA lady and a gentlemen are meeting for the first time…
Her: “Tell me about your parents.”
Him: “I never knew my father as a child.”
Her: “How come?”
Him: “He’d grown up by the time I was born.”
I quit smoking cold turkey
Now I’m on to brisket and ribs
What do you call 2 witches leasing an apartment together?
Broomates!
Bugs Bunny never uses Google Drive to send files.
He only sends a WhatsApp doc.
If Wilson lent Tom Hanks $20...
Tom Hanks would be Owen Wilson.
Are French Army jokes allowed on X (formerly known as twitter)?
If so, I’ll retweet.
Two math functions are buying a house together. The real estate agen says they need to come in for final paperwork.
They need to Sine and Cosine.
What about the witch that had triplets
She didn't know which witch was which.
My son is looking for a job so I told him to apply at Subway
I heard they have a lot of open rolls they need to fill
Got fired from my job at the bank today
A lady asked me to check her balance…… so I pushed her
I was going to buy a Nirvana album, but the store was out of In Utero...
So, Nevermind.
My wife told me that when she passes, she want me to marry Lauren.I asked, "Why? I thought you said you hated her."
She said, "I know."
Let's have a big shout-out for our indefatigable resident bot-spotter...Thank you,
u/Illustrious_Ad4691. Your work is much appreciated! 👍
Someone told me that black guys like listening to ghetto blasters.
I think that’s a stereo type
how do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
one will see you later, the other will see you in awhile.
Someone told me their pet peeve was when people mispronounce “might as well”
I replied, “mine as well”
My wife saw me weighing myself and said, "No matter how much you suck in your gut, you're still going to weigh the same." ....
I told her, "... I'm just trying to see the numbers..."
My wife and I were touring a daycare when she asked the director, “Does your facility provide baby bouncers?”
I interrupted, “Babe, that’s not necessary. This is one of the safer neighborhoods.”
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