My wife flew into a rage because I kept making Monty Python references
I said "will this be a 5 minute argument or the full half hour?"
What do you call a typo on a tombstone?
A grave mistake
A hunting tripA hunter from the East goes hunting out West in Wyoming.
He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure.
At some point the hunter has to use a commode.
He says to his guide, "Man, I really have to use the restroom. Where is it?"
The guide cracks up laughing, "Are you serious? We're in the middle of Wyoming and you're asking where the restroom is?"
"Well it's kinda an emergency." the hunter says.
The guide says, "You just hang your ass over that log over there. We're roughing it today, Sport!
So,the hunter does his business but realizes there is no toilet paper so he asks his guide, “What do I use to clean up with?
The guide says, “You got a dollar?”
The hunter says, "I do"
The guide says, "Just use that!"
The hunter comes back with poop all over himself. He was a disgusting mess.
The guide says, "What the hell, man. What happened to you?"
The hunter says, "You try cleaning yourself up with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel!"
How does one define a Dad Joke?The short answer?
It’s kind of hard to do, but you know when you hear one!
The long answer?
Iiiiittttt’sss kkkkkkkiiiiiinnnnddd oooooffff hhhaaaarrrddd tttooooo dddooooo, bbbuuutttt yyyyooooouuuu kknnnnoooowww wwwhhheeeennnn yyyyoooouuuuu hhhheeeeaaaaarr oooonnneee!!!!!
What be a pirates favorite letter?
Some one answers R, you think it be R but a pirates heart belongs to the C
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside
What is a pirates favorite thing at a birthday party
da balloons
I nearly dropped a carton of eggs while unpacking groceries with my wife but I caught them before they hit the groundI told her that I should be leading the x-men.
She said "why"
I said "because I'm professor egg savior"
Family checks into a hotel and father says “I hope the porn is disabled here.”
“Naw, it’s just regular porn, you sick fuck.” replies the front desk clerk.
What do you call a hippopotamus that calls a rhino lazy?
a hippo-crite
A dog walks into a bar. The bartender yells, "Get out!" and shoots him in the foot as the dog runs away.
The dog returns the next day wearing a holster with a gun in it and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw!"
Madame Tussauds has never completed a figure of Pat Morita as Mr. Miyagi...
This is because every time they put the wax on they have to take the wax off.
I bought a shirt with a bat on it...Then another. And another.
I suppose you could say I'm bat shirt crazy.
My doctor told me I could have a stroke at any time
Now I’m a registered sex offender
What do you call a 1 legged Asian?
Thai Won Shu
I was reaching for a book then it hit me
I only have my shelf to blame
Why are most horses in shape?
They are on a stable diet!
What is the must popular car in Norway?
FJORD
"Where did Fozzy bear take his dog?""Where?" said the guy
I replied..."For a walka walka walka"
I got booted from the coffee club
Because I wore a tea shirt
What did one saggy boob say to another?
If we don't get some support , people are going to think we're nuts!
Crime.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
Where do zucchini hold their trials?
In the squash court!
What’s the difference between a bad joke and a dad joke?
A backwards b.
Can someone please tell this old man what tysm means?
Thank you so much
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