My Bluetooth speaker wasn’t working, so I threw it into the lake.
Now its syncing
I asked a supermarket worker where they kept the tinned peaches.He said, "I'll see," and walked away.
I asked another and he also said, "I'll see," and walked away.
In the end I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.
My wife is furious with me. She realized I was cheating when she found the letter that I had hidden.
We’re never playing Scrabble again.
I have two cousins who want to date me.
I guess that makes me relatively attractive.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is at a sushi restaurant staring at his plate. Frustrated, he waves over a waiter.
Waiter “Is there something wrong with your order sir?”
Arnold “It’s not a tuna!”
I used to be afraid of hurdles.
But I got over it.
What do you call a psychic who only sees good futures?
An optimystic.
I saw a math teacher with graph paper.
I think she was plotting something.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning
Why didn't the turkey eat dessert?
He was already stuffed.
My 12 year old son didn't want to tell me a joke about a German hot dog.He said it was the wurst.
Proud tears of joy ran down my face.
My mother-in-law has been staring through the window ever since it started to snow …
If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
At dinner, my date told me that she was more of a dog person.
Which later explained the leg humping.
Did you hear about the blonde who identified as a boat?
She was a little dinghy!
Thought my kid would be thrilled when the flight attendant invited him to check out the brand new cockpit before taking off.
Turns out he found it was pretty Boeing.
My daughter: That Beethoven was so nice, not claiming copyright on people using his music.
Me: Oh no, he wouldn't hear of it...
Did you want to become more than acquaintances?
I'm asking for a friend.
My dog is so dumb.
We’ve played 73 games of chess and she’s only beaten me once.
My son asked me "Where does poo come from?"I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
Chickens can't touch type
They just hunt and peck
Turns out anyone can make holy water right at home.
You just have to boil the hell out of it.
A Mossberg 500 and a Remington 870 got married...
... It was a shotgun wedding.
I met a Polish sound engineer..
..and a Czech one too
I've damaged my hearing from too much loud music
It's eareversible
Coldplay got into the Q-Tip business but it didn't go very well..Why? Because they were all yellow..
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