True story my friend's teenager son actually asked me if I just thought of it on the spotMy friend's son who's 15 is staying with us. My son in grade 4 asked me what translucent meant.
I said, "I'm trying to remember but it's not completely clear."
And the 15yo was genuinely impressed.
Keep forging on, friend's. There's a world of people just waiting for your lame one-liners
This soup recipe calls for "5 potatoes cubed".
Maybe it's just me, but 125 potatoes seems excessive.
Someone told me my clothes were gay.
I said: "Yeah they came out of the closet this morning."
The doctor told his patient that he was going to die soon because of Mercury in UranusThe patient said “I don’t believe in astrology”
The doctor said “Neither do I; my anal thermometer just broke in your backside”
I was addicted to soap.
I'm clean now.
True story, just happened…
I was making Indian food for dinner and my son came in the kitchen and asked, “Can I grab a naan?” I said, “yes, but you can’t eat it yet because then it would a naan-starter!” He just looked at me and asked, “is this rule naan-negotiable?”
A man brings his Rottweiler into the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed is there anything you can do for him?”“Well,” the vet says, “Let’s have a look at him.” The vet picks up the dog and looks into his eyes. After a few second the he says, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down.”
The shocked owner replies, “what?! Because he’s cross-eyed?!”
“No, because he’s heavy.”
My wife told me to stop singing I'm a Believer, or she'd leave me.
I thought she was kidding, then I saw her face.
When do you know the medieval orgy is over?
When the knight has come…
Don’t order hay for the horse on Amazon
A few days later, they'll ask for your feed back
What's a different phrase you can use for anal bleaching?
Changing your ringtone.
My friend David had his ID stolen
Now we just call him Dav.
When a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him,
Is he still wrong????
An older gentleman was being tailgated by a stressed-out lady on a busy street.Suddenly, the light turned yellow just ahead of him, and he did the right thing; he stopped at the crosswalk to allow the waiting pedestrians cross. 🚦
The lady behind him lost it. She battered the horn, yelling and gesturing wildly because she missed her chance to make the light.
In the middle of her rant, there was a tap on her window. She looked up to see a police officer. 👮♂️
She was taken to the police station and placed in a holding cell.
A couple of hours later, the officer opened the door and said,
“I’m very sorry for the mistake, ma’am, let me explain. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and shouting cuss words I, even as a police officer, have never heard before.
Then I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday School’ sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish on the trunk. 🐟✝️
Naturally… I assumed the car was stolen.”
What's faster than an escalator?
An escasooner
What was George Washington's favorite music genre
I heard he loved his country
I got pulled over today and the cop asked if I know why he pulled me over.....I replied "Is it because you want to see how tall I am?"
He said "step out of the car sir"
See, I knew it.......
Did you hear about the everlasting tree that was indifferent about everything?
Woodever 🙄
No kleenex neededWhen I have a clean X-Box, I won’t need my Kleenex box.
That’s it. You can now proceed to laughter.
I just got a new dry erase board
it's remarkable
I drank too much and fell over while getting off the sofa
I didn’t understand the gravity of the situation
1, 2, and 3 walk into a bar2 asks for a drink.
"You're mean," says the bartender.
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkled clothes?
An iron deficiency.
A pun walks into a bar, and ten people die…
…pun in, ten dead.
I have a joke about what happened to Facebook...
but it's too Meta
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