Alphabet is raising $80 billion by selling stock to invest in AI
I bet the other 24 letters are pissed!
I've just begun a speed-reading course, and last night I read Great Expectation in 15 seconds…
I know it's only two words, but I'm still a beginner.
The aorta is my favorite artery
It has a special place in my heart.
Having a bad day 😢. Tried my best to cook some Middle Eastern/Israeli food and failed miserably…
I just really falafel about it
I have asked many people what LGBQTIA+ stands for....
So far no-one has given me a straight answer.
What did Mary Poppins like for dinner?
Soup or Ahi frozen fish sticks , ex peas, all delicious
Actual line from my 10-year old: At dinner I mentioned that for some reason the corn didn’t actually taste much like corn.
After a slight pause, my son deadpanned: “That’s corncerning.” 10/10 groaner
What does a Mexican duck say?
Gauc gauc.
How bring moose in CanadaTwo Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.
The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after take off.
Climbing out of the wreck, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but I think I'll be better at "we will rock you"
My house is haunted by a chicken
It is a poultry-geist. A really fowl spirit. I called an eggcorcist. He tried to get it to the other side.
What did the cannibal's wife give him when he got late to dinner
The cold shoulder
Please don't accept friend requests from Lizzie Borden on Facebook.
She is a known hacker.
What would Michael Jackson be called if he was in the X-men?
Wolver-hehene.
Jack Nicholson became furious at a chinese restaurant. He stormed into the kitchen and threw two pieces of cutlery at a pile of uniforms.
One flew over the cook Hu's vest.
Did you hear about the circus that caught fire?
I heard the heat was in tents!
What did the baby chicken say when its mother laid an orange?
“Look at the orange mommalaid.”
I’d like to thank Merriam Webster for teaching me what “plethora” means.
It means a lot.
What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
Reality
I just found out dog catchers. …..
Are paid by the pound
I just finished reading a book about the world’s greatest basement.
It was best cellar.
What kind of doctor is always on call?
An Oncologist. Obviously.
A friend of mine changed his name to Björn today
He wasn't Björn yesterday
I didn’t expect to enjoy my trip to Paris all that much.
But I ended up falling in Louvre with the place.
I read a recent study from a University in London where they found that 70% of fisherman don't catch anything because they keep their bait too close to the surface...
just let that sink in....
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