When my wife is depressed I let her colour in my tattoos.
She just wants a shoulder to crayon.
I asked my daughter if she knew how to make gold soup. When she replied no, I told her, "It's easy!"
"Just put 24 carrots in it!"
Why was everyone tired on April 1?
Because they just finished a long 31 day March.
Last night my wife said, “why don’t we go lie in bed and watch TV?”
So i laid down in bed and said “ that dinner you made was delicious!”
Why are babies born on March 31 the easiest to prank on April Fools’ Day?
They were literally born yesterday.
Boxers don’t have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is?
They don’t fancy each other.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour
Not the Apple Watch she was expecting
What did Mike Tyson say after working out with Chris Hemsworth?
You’re going to be Thor in the morning.
Mr. T set the ninja turtles up on a blind date.Mr. T: Here’s your girl.
Ninja Turtles: Who is she?
Mr. T: It’s April, fools.
What is the loudest colour?
YELL-ow.
What do you call a blind seagull?
A no seagull...
What is the favorite dessert of long distance couples?
Tiramissyou
How do you know when a joke is really corny?
It makes you go “aww shucks”
Dumb joke I came up with when I was eight: Why did the TV producer throw his reports at the ceiling?
To try put his ratings through the roof
My children wouldn't go to sleep after being told multiple times. Got a little mad and told them, "You're making too much noise and messing with each other, so now I'm angry"Youngest said to me, under his breath, "Hi, Angry"
The hardest it has ever been to keep a straight face the entire time I've been a parent. Had to leave the room. I'm angry, and I'm proud.
Why don’t turtles wear scarves
They have turtle necks
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite coordination?
Haaaaand Eyeeeeee
I have the memory of an elephant.
I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
What do you call a door that won't close all the way?Mason.
Because it's a jar
What's 4 Legged Green Fuzzy And Can Kill You If It Falls Out Of A Tree?
A Pool Table.
Why do tow truck drivers get so many dates?
They are experts at hook ups.
Counterfeiting can be a lucrative business.
That's how I made my money.
I was proud of my cultural heritage until I found out that my great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now I can't even look at myself in the mirror.
Last year, my wife ran off with my best friend.
I still miss him.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour
Not the Apple Watch she was expecting
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