A man claims he has the smartest dog in the world. His friend doesn’t believe him.“Prove it,” the friend says.
The man points to his dog and says, “Go get me something to eat.”
The dog runs off and comes back with a sandwich.
“Lucky guess,” says the friend.
The man tries again: “Go get me something to drink.”
The dog runs off and comes back with a soda.
The friend is impressed but still skeptical.
“Alright… ask him something harder.”
The man nods and says, “What’s on top of a house?”
The dog barks, “Roof!”
The friend laughs. “That’s it? Any dog could do that!”
The dog looks at him and says,
“You wanted me to say shingles?”
What do you call a bird with a bad cough?
A phlegmingo
Werner Heisenberg and Erwin Schrodinger are speeding down a deserted Nevada highway in a black Cadillac at 120 miles per hour. Georg Ohm is in the back seat.Eventually a Nevada state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up and says, "do you fellas know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says "no, but we can tell you our location at the time."
The trooper tells them he needs to inspect the vehicle. He circles around back, pops the trunk, and finds a body inside.
The trooper comes back to the passenger window, gun drawn, and shouts: "Did you know there was a dead body in that trunk?"
Schrodinger rolls his eyes and says: "Well yeah... now we do..."
The trooper calls for backup and all three men are taken into custody. Heisenberg and Schrodinger went quietly, but Ohm resisted.
Pavlov Walks Into a Hotel ...
To summon the front desk clerk he rings the bell. He then snaps his fingers in frustration and says, "Damn! I forgot to feed the dogs."
To whoever stole my camo jacket and my flip flops-
You can hide, but you can’t run 😂
Whenever I get insecure around pretty girls I reach into my pocket to grab a tiny rock.
Then I feel a little boulder.
Will glass coffins be successful?
Remains to be seen
Dad joke in the wild…
We had just finished making a homemade marinade. My gf said, “Oh I wish I started the marinade earlier, or even started it yesterday.”
I said, “Don’t worry there’s plenty of thyme.” Holding up a sprig of thyme.
She rolled her eyes. Then I grabbed a spice and showed it to her, “you knew that joke was cumin.”
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs......at a barbecue? Frank
...in a swimming pool? Bob
...behind a jet ski? Skip
...in a hole? Phil
...in a pile of leaves? Russell
[ adding some via comments ]
...hanging on the wall? Art
...in a mailbox? Bill
...on a doorstep? Matt
...at the beach? Sandy
...in a pot? Stu
...in a shower curtain? Rod
....in a lion's cage? Claude
You know why you should always knock before opening the fridge door?
In case there's a salad dressing
The third if my three dad jokesI gave this to young daughter to tell at her school and it was a hit
“Knock Knock”
”Who‘s there?”
”I need Tip”
then the person says the next bit out loud
What fruit did Romeo and Juliette eat?
Cantelope.
What do you call an Irish girl sitting on the front porch?
Patty O'Furniture
My friend asked me if I could name two structures that hold water.
I was like “Well dam.”
I used to tend bar at a little place across the street from a hospital here in town.One afternoon, a guy walked in wearing a hospital gown, dragging an IV stand still hooked up to his arm.
I figured it was unusual, but around here, you learn not to ask too many questions.
I asked what he’d like, and without missing a beat he said, “I’ll take two beers, two stouts, four whiskey and cokes, three gin and tonics, and six shots of tequila.”
It sounded like he was stocking a party, but he was all alone.
Still, customer’s a customer, so I got to work pouring everything he ordered.
One by one, I lined the drinks up across the bar, and he started knocking them back like there was no tomorrow.
Beer, then cocktails, then straight to the tequila—shot after shot, quick as you like.
Didn’t even pause for breath, just kept going till every last drop was gone.
He let out a sigh, looked at me real serious, and said, “I really shouldn’t have done that with what I’ve got.”
I said, “Oh yeah? What have you got?”
He said, “About four bucks.
See less
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
You probably said "ARR" but nope. It's the letter P... because without it he's irate.
What do you call a female officer playing the guitar?
She Riff
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Never mind I won’t spread it
I tried to make a belt out of watches.
It was a waist of time.
Bought a backpack today and the cashier asked if I needed a bagI said, “That is a bag!”
She was not amused.
What's the most commonly used computer programming language?
Profanity.
To whoever stole my giant wall clock:
You messed up BIG time.
How is the Grinch like a pile of Pistachios?
They're both green, salty, and nuts.
A drunk says to a bartender "listen buddy -- you see that brass spittoon at the end of the bar? I'll bet you a hundred bucks I can take a piss, spinning around, and still get every drop in that spittoon." The bartender finds this ridiculous and says "it's a bet, you're on."So the drunk climbs up on the bar and unzips his pants. He starts to urinate, spinning wildly, and the urine flies everywhere. Not a single drop goes into the spittoon.
The bartender laughs and says, "Ha! I knew it! You owe me a hundred bucks!"
"Ahh, that's ok," says the drunk.
"See that frowning guy in the corner? I bet him a thousand bucks I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it..."
Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?"
Because every play has to have a cast.
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