When a woman has a baby, why is it called delivery?
It's pretty obvious that it's takeout.
I recently joined a dating group for pyromaniacs
I got a match straight away
New York is the exact opposite of Minnesota. New York is where the Big Apple is and Minnesota is where
Minneapolis
A girl told me she wanted to be "just friends".
I said "Can we be friends with benefits?". She said "So, you just wanna fool around?". I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance."
Who can drink 5 gallons of petrol without throwing up?
Jerry can.
How do you tell the sex of ant?Put it in water.
If it sinks... Girl ant.
If it floats... BOYANT
Today, the US Mint will officially mint the last US penny and will no longer produce them in the future.
This makes no cents.
What do you call it when a naked person sits down?
A moon landing
What does one boob say to the other boob?
If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts!
I heard the US mint stopped making pennies…
It makes no cents!!
Old fat guy walks into the gym. Sees a beautiful woman working out. He asks the attendant: what machine can I use to impress her?
“An ATM”
Boycott shampoo!
Demand the real poo!
I have no clue why everyone likes that new movie called "G PG PG-13 R NC-17"
It's so overrated
I tried to start a bakery, but it never made enough dough…
guess it just wasn’t bred for success.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo accident.
They put me in the ICU.
I just saw somebody get arrested at the hobby lobby by my house. Apparently he was putting glitter all over his testicles
Pretty nuts
Horse Walks Into a Bar…A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says “hey - i see you in here a lot. Are you an alcoholic or something?”
The horse says “i don’t think i am”, then poof - he vanishes like he never existed.
Now this is a play on words about René Descartes’ famous philosophy of “i think, therefore i am”, but explaining that beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A farmer buys a new young rooster when his old rooster can't "perform" anymore.As soon as he gets it home, the rooster bangs all of the farmer's hens. The farmer is pretty impressed.
After lunch, the rooster does all the hens again.
Next day, the rooster does all the ducks and the geese.
Later that day, the farmer finds the rooster laying on the ground with the vultures circling overhead.
The farmer shakes his head and says, 'You deserve it, you horny bastard'.
The rooster slowly opens one eye, lifts a wing, points at the vultures circling above, and whispers,
“Shhhh… they’re about to land.
Why is sprinkled Parmesan cheese so good?
Because they’re just chips off the old block.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who...
couldn’t control her pupils?
Why do French fries all get along so well with each other?
Because they’re all the best spuds.
Do you want to hear the good news or bad news first?Bad news?
My girlfriend Lorraine dumped me when she heard I was also seeing Claire-Lee.
And the good news?
I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine is gone
What’s the difference between a turkey and a chicken?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving.
told my boss I needed a raise because three other companies were after me.
he looked all serious and asked which ones… I said the electric, gas, and the water company
If anyone is sad you can always colour in my tattoos.
I'm happy to give a shoulder to crayon.
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