A man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. "I am a turtle," he says. "Who's on your back?"
"That's Michelle
A small church was raising funds for a new piano. On Sunday the pastor said, “Whoever gives the most money today for the offering can pick out 3 hymns.So they passed the basket around and the pastor saw a $100 bill in there.
He said “Looks like we have a winner! Whoever gave the $100 bill can come to the front & select 3 hymns.”
An 80-year old woman got up, walked to the front, & pointing her finger at the congregation, said,
“I’ll take him, him, and him!“
I might have to start going back to church.
How do you get Lyme disease on the Moon?
From luna ticks
A very skinny girl came into a bookstore and asked the clerk”What is the chance you would have a book on religion curing an eating disorder.”
The clerk responded Slim to nun
If a bee is bothering you, don’t run away or swat at it. Just stare at it.
Because seeing is bee leaving
Why was the dictionary afraid to cross the road?
It couldn't look left or right, it could only look up.
My dwarf friend Phil has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on his size,
so to cheer him up when he gets home from work, I've got pizza, beer, chocolates, cigars and I'm going to run him a nice hot sink after dinner.
Austin Richard Post raps under the stage name Post MaloneMacaulay Culkin raps under the stage name
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Ho Malone.
Did you hear about the farsighted circumciser?
He forgot his glasses one day and got the sack
I have a friend that claims he was a man trapped in a woman’s body
Then he was born
Why was the slow computer cold?
It left all its windows open
I didn't make it to the gym today.
That makes 3 years straight
A man read 12.5% of the Bible.
He's an eightheist.
Nate’s farm adjoins other farmers’ land. He chose straight property lines to prevent disputes.
Like a good neighbor, Nate’s farm is square
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool
So I gave him a glass of water
Guess I’m in charge of instructing a group of guys at the karaoke bar this week
It’s training men
What’s Lady Gaga’s favorite type of tomato?Roma-roma-ah
Thought of this one putting away groceries today.
If an elephant has the sniffles,
Does that mean it has junk in its trunk?
Actually, it's pronounced "jaslight".
You've been saying it wrong the whole time.
My friends found a large plastic water bottle on their farm. Inside was packed several pieces of paper.The papers were filled with wild claims that my friends stated were dubious at best but I think they should trust the information.
After all, it came from a litre in their field.
What do you call a short-sighted dinosaur?
A doyouthinkhesaurus."
Why was the apple arrested?
In cider trading.
It's too highIt was hot yesterday so I turned on the overhead fan. Asked my wife if it bothered her. She said it was too high. I said, well, it's a ceiling fan.
Got a groan and an eye roll.
Army.
What do you call an army of babies ?
Infantry.
It's a date!
I wanted to marry a girl who works as a Carbon 14 expert, but all she wanted to do was date.
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