I'm looking to sell my Delorean.Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
My kid said, “Dad, I think I want to be a translator.”
I put my hand on their shoulder and said, “Look, I’ll always support you whether you choose to be a trans now or a trans later.”
A man proposed to his girlfriend on a roller coaster but she said "No".
Everything was going too fast and there were too many ups and downs for her.
I've been trying to write a joke about spices.
I just can't get the thyming right.
My kid was really upset after spelling "apocalypse" wrong in the spelling bee
I said "relax, it's not the end of the world."
Why don't cows talk to each other?
Cause there's always beef between them.
Which type of music does Sysiphus dislike the most?
Rock and Roll.
I dated a tennis player.
But it turned out, that love means nothing to them.
When the wife told me La Paz was a capital city...
... I said "I don’t Bolivia!".
My wife doesn’t mind doing most of the housework but she doesn’t do floors.
She thinks that’s beneath her.
What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time!!!
Three moles are in a tunnel.The first says, "I smell sugar."
The second says, "I smell honey."
The third says, "I smell molasses."
A horse walked into a bar and the bartender looked up and said, "Hey!"
The horse said, "Neigh, my good man, I already ate. I'll just have a beer."
I work in a bar, and I always give a free golf ball with every beer.
They call me the partender.
My wife said she tried flirting, bribing, and even flashing the cop to get out of a speeding ticket.
I said, “Well, you tried your breast.”
What do you call two dinosaurs involved in a car accident?
T-wrecks!
That car seems nice…
but the muffler looks exhausted
I called my daughter to ask how things were going in the big city. She said, “Well, some weirdo on the subway demanded that I give him sodium chloride and a 9-volt. So I guess that’s my first mugging.” I said, “No, sweetie…”
“… that’s a salt and battery.”
You know of the four horsemen of the apocalypseYou know, Death, Famine, Pestilence, and War.
But have you heard of Flea, Tick, Mite, and Chap, the four horsemen of the Alpaca-lips?
The members of Dire Straits bought a zoo, but insisted it couldn't be successful until they showed the staff how to give away all the primates.
Apparently they said "Now that ain't workin', that's the way you do it, monkeys for nothing and your chimps for free".
I used to think that I would always be falling through theatre floors
As it turns out, it was just a stage I was going through
Pets.I have a pet tree.
It’s a lot like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.
I wasn’t even planning to attend the 1999 climate-change rave, but once I heard those drums…
The Al Gore rhythm brought me here
I just ran into Matt Damon at the thrift store, searching for a new pair of jeans
He was Goodwill hunting
I don’t wanna talk about my hang-gliding accident.
It’s a soar subject.
top
