I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
I told my wife that I've swapped our bed for a trampoline.
She hit the roof!
I told my partner i was testing her by asking if she’s a wife or a mother first“A mother first”
“Wrong, you married me a year before our first kid.”
Got a big groan on that one
Kid: Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Dad: Yes, we arson
I invented a diy human cloning machine that runs on a regular 110v outlet.
Make yourself at home.
Whats black and white and red all over?
The shopping list after my wife asked me to put ketchup on it.
This just happened in real life, and I got MANY chuckles.At Costco with the wife and kid. Kid sees a sample booth and asks what they’re offering...
Me: “it’s a hot dog!”
Wife: “it’s a European wiener”
Me: “you’re a peeing weiner”
I turn to the man offering the sample and say “get it?!?”
Nothing
Wife loses it, people next to me lose it, kid loses it and won’t stop repeating it. Good times had by all, ‘cept maybe for the sample guy.
To the guy who invented zero,
Thanks for nothing.
If someone is playing chess for the first time
Does that make them a Rook?
What are a chocolate bar's pronouns?
Her/she
What’s a monkey playing with fireworks?
A baboom! 💥💥🧨
Did you hear about the Vietnamese bloke whose surname was "Smith"?
He was in a no-Nguyen situation
You can't grow plants...
If you haven't botany.
What do you need to grow fungi?
As mushroom as possible.
I heard they have great peaches in Georgia.
So I went to a supermarket in Georgia and asked an employee where I can find the peaches. He said, "I'll see," and walked away. I asked another employee and she also said, "I'll see," and walked away. In the end, I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.
Fam is going to the zoo today
What are your best zoo/zoo related jokes?
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
El if I know
What did the last surviving foot say after the end of the world?
I Am Leg-End
What type of flower makes the most mistakes?
Whoopsie Daisy
Just when you thought that vegetables don’t have phones
Onion rings
My son talked back when I told him he couldn’t have any peanut butter.
“Don’t you get Skippy with me, young man!”
I was telling my buddies I was having a bad day.My friend said “plethora”.
“Thanks”, I said, “that means a lot.”
*
My other friend said “earth”.
“Thanks”, I said, “that means the world to me.”
*
My other friend said “bargain”.
“Thanks”, I said, “that means a great deal.”
Did you hear about that restaurant that puts toilet paper on the tables and bread in the bathroom?
It’s a complete roll reversal.
My wife asked me to be less irritating...
So I shaved my face.
Tears were streaming down my face and I couldn’t get them to stop. So I ran to a nearby military base. “Are there any Marines here??” “No.” “Army?” “Nope.” “A Navy SEAL?” “Sorry.” “What about an Air Force pilot?” Finally, the administrator looked at me and said, “Sir… what is this about?”
I said, “Sorry… I just need a soldier to cry on.”
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