Dad jokes can be NSFW. And i'm gonna say why.
Why
Old McDonald had a calculator
01313
You have 2 wolves inside you
Mozart had 7 or 8 wolves inside him. That's why they called him Wolfgang.
My son came up to me at the beach, upset. He said his sister was teasing him because she had five buckets and he only had two.
I knelt down and said, “The amount she brought doesn’t matter, son. It’s pails in comparison.”
Did you know if you go to bed in full armor…
It’s the best way to get a full knight’s sleep
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...
But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
A photographer was crushed today when a massive block of cheddar fell on him.
To be fair, the people he was photographing tried to warn him.
Why do horses have low divorce rates?
Stable relationships.
She: You shouldn’t eat meatHe: Don't worry, it's plant-based.
She: That's awesome. Which plant?
He: The meat processing plant.
I was in the pharmacy and asked the assistant for some deodorant“Ball or aerosol”, he asked.
So I said “No, it’s for my armpits”
Why did the baby strawberry cry?
Because its mother was in a jam
Dating a girl who used cedar instead of silicone for breast implants would be weird…
…wooden tit.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten-tickles
To whoever stole my glasses I will find you…
I have contacts
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
A wooly jumper.
I just learned the previous owner of my home did all The electrical work without any experience.
I was shocked
What do you call a factory that sells generally okay products?
a satis-factory
My girlfriend poked me in the eyes.
I stopped seeing her for a while.
A bear and a rabbitAre taking a dump in the woods.
The bear says to the rabbit, “Do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?”
The rabbit says “no, I don’t. Why do you ask?”
Without answering the bear leans over, picks up the rabbit, and wipes his arse with him.
Which army regiment would a pirate join?
The Arrrrrrrrrrtillery.
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long ?
because it be a foot
What did the boat say right before it crashed into the harbor?
I don't like pier pressure!
One thing I can’t deal with
Is a deck of cards glued together.
I was going to propose to my girlfriend but my dog ate the ring.
Now it’s just a diamond in the ruff.
Over 100 years ago, two brothers announced they could fly.
Turns out they were Wright.
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