My kid texted me: “I just spilled bleach and baking soda all over the floor. What do I do??” I wrote back: “Throw a blanket over it.” A minute later he replied: “Okay… now what?”
I said: “Nothing. All our bases are covered.”
Do you know what would be a great name for diarrhea medicine?
Gonorrhea
Where would you find a peacock at a grocery store?
Next to the peanuts.
A man walks in a bar and shouts “free beers outside!”So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.
The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man “what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!”
The man says “Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them”
Our local bra store went out of business
I don’t know if it went tits up or tits down.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a Sex on the Beach. After he has a sip, he spits it out.
He screams at the bartender, "THIS IS F**KING CLOSE TO WATER!"
A time traveller appears in a bar, taking half an hour to fully materialize
The bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, buddy... Why the long phase?"
My car broke down halfway between my lake house and the Hallmark store.
My car broke down halfway between my lake house and the Hallmark store. I was stuck between a dock and a card place.
Did you hear about the woman at the airport who backed into a moving propeller?
Disaster
The famous singer Sting has been kidnapped.
The Police have no lead.
I started going to a Chinese cooking class that is taught by Steven Tyler.
He keeps telling me to "wok this way!"
Why did the transgender man only eat salad?
He was a her-before
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system?
The reviews all said one star.
What do you call a plane full of bald people
Receding airlines
What do you say to your sister when shes crying
Are you having a crisis?
Shirley MacLaine once asked Leslie Neilson for a date.
He said, “Don’t call me, Shirley.”
How do researchers know that babies are afraid of the supernatural?
Because they cry during their first out-of-body experience!
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We're closed.
When they told me no nudity was allowed,
that was more than I could bare.
Why is it a bad idea to do anything illegal near a pepper farm?
Because the farmers will be jalapeño business.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
What’s the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?One is a little heavier and one is a little lighter.
Edit: Better joke wording in comments.
The reputation of people from Florida being dumb isn’t right.
It’s unfair that 23 million people can ruin things for the other 167 people.
What’s at the center of a Tootsie Pop?
A stick
im losing my spark...
can someone set me on fire?
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