What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
R’s come third, the C is second, but if you want to see them angry take away their P
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where's popcorn?
Back in elementary school, my teacher thought it was weird that I did my multiplication tests on the floor.
But she's the one who said not to use tables.
Do you know why there are Pop tarts but no Mom tarts???
Because of the pastryarchy!
You're not allowed to laugh out loud in Hawaii
You're only allowed Aloha
I will never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he died.
Hey, are you holding the ladder?
As a child we were so poor all my clothes came from the army surplus store
I was the only Japanese general in the 2nd grade
What's made out of leather and sounds like a sneeze
A shoe
What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account?
Prime mates
Did you hear the one about Oedipus and King Midas?
It's pure motherf*cking gold.
I saw a man with one arm shopping in a second hand store
I don’t think he will find what he’s looking for
What do you call a child with redheaded parents?
Ginger-bred.
Why can't you collect buzzard feathers?
Because it's vultural appropriation.
A classic…A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Every morning I try something different from my wardrobe and I ask my wife what she thinks, a splash of color, a new style, maybe a hat. She always hates it
She’s just too clothes minded
Do you know how to tell the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
Check for snow balls. . .
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties…
now I sneak out of parties to go to my house
Why did the man fall down the well?Because he couldn't see that well!
(ok I'll get my coat, I know where the exit is 😂)
I’m thinking of selling my Theremin.
I haven’t touched it for years.
What’s the best way to stop an unwanted erectionZoning laws. If someone is erecting something near your property that you don’t like, inform the local city council.
Thank you,u/monkeyboatrentals for the pun
Did you hear about the farmer who tried teaching his animals philosophy?
It didn't work. He was putting Descartes before the horse.
A brunette and a blonde talking .
Brunette -When I drink coffee I can’t sleep Blonde:- The exact opposite happens to me , when I sleep I can’t drink coffee
Did you hear about the snowman who got upset when the sun came out
He had a total meltdown
The Pharaoh could not believe he was drowning.
He was in the Nile
Whenever my wife is upset I let her colour in my black and white tattoos.
Sometimes she needs a shoulder to crayon.
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