My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.” Confused and extremely worried, I slowly opened the fridge door. The light came on, the beer was cold.
What the hell did she mean?
Mantis.Baby praying mantis: “Dad, who do we pray to?”
Dad mantis: “That depends on the religion.”
“Wait… bugs have different religions?”
“Of course, son… we’re in sects.”
Did you hear about the bee who got busted for visiting a prostitute?
It was a sting operation.
I recently got arrested for stealing a whole volume of encyclopaedias.
I turned to the officer and said, “Look, I can explain everything.”
I cleaned my vacuum cleaner.
Now I am the vacuum cleaner.
What do u call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick
My personal trainer said he eats five big meals and trains six days a week.
I have no idea how he eats that many trains.
Just started working at the bicycle factory this week…
They already made me the spokesperson.
My fiance and I wanted to get married at the public brary.
But they told us it was all booked up . 😂😂😂
What do you call an inconsequential pachyderm?
Irrelephant.
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery. I had them tested…One came back positive.
Google says it’s terminal, l was shocked...
Teacher: can anyone tell me a Scandinavian country which doesn’t have the letter R?
Student: No way!
I told my partner i was testing her by asking if she’s a wife or a mother first“A mother first”
“Wrong, you married me a year before our first kid.”
Got a big groan on that one
Blacksmith.An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting.
"Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil.
"Get the hammer over there, he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
I saw a wolf with clothes on in the middle of a forest...
Stunned, I realized it was a wear wolf.
Kid: Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Dad: Yes, we arson
There's a new book just been published about poltergeists that's becoming very popular
It's flying off the shelves.
I heard they have great peaches in Georgia.
So I went to a supermarket in Georgia and asked an employee where I can find the peaches. He said, "I'll see," and walked away. I asked another employee and she also said, "I'll see," and walked away. In the end, I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.
I once made a small boat out of a large bell.
It was a little dingy.
I told my wife that I've swapped our bed for a trampoline.
She hit the roof!
Whats black and white and red all over?
The shopping list after my wife asked me to put ketchup on it.
My friend lost an arm and ever since has said cleaning was impossible.So I got my other buddy to build him a new vacuum attachment, he’s not the best engineer but anyhow.
I went to his house to help him organize and gave it to him saying, “Don’t worry, I’m here to lend you a hand. Fair warning though, it sucks”
My kid identified as a tree all through high school.
Senior year he branched out and won most poplar.
Best dad joke (to me)Q: why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the side of their ships?
A: so when they come back to Port they can Scandinavian!
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