Did you hear about the mathematician who’s scared of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why was the gay lawyer so popular?
He got a lot of guys off
A phlebotomist, a physical trainer, and a wedding cake designer formed a band
They’re called Blood, Sweat, and Tiers
If Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were both killed by a rampaging ostrich...
...would that be a case of killing two Stones with one bird?
My friend Jay just had twin daughters and wanted to name them after himself.
I suggested Kaye and Elle.
This is a message to the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office.
I will find you. You have my Word.
My friends telling me I need to understand the female gaze better to get a girlfriend
But I thought those were lesbians?
What happens to Mariah Carey if everybody hates her?
She becomes Pariah Carey
British lords once debated for hours after dinner what to call their warriors
Eventually they called it a knight.
Someone insulted my honor for being foreign born, so I got naturalized to fight him.
Now I’m a duel citizen.
What do you do with a Lego hospital?
Plastic surgery.
At first, I didn't think a brain transplant could ever work.
But recently, I've changed my mind.
You cannot tell the complete history of Japan.
You can only Samurais it.
My wife texted from workHer…Are you watching that new serial killer documentary on Netflix?
Me…I am…just started episode 3
Her…Great, pause it at 21 minutes and 8 seconds
Me…Ok, paused, it’s at the crime scene in the living room
Her…Right! Do you see the blood spatter on the wall near the fireplace?
Me…Yeah, it’s pretty gruesome
Her…Look just to the left of the fireplace mantle…do you see where the natural light is hitting the wall?
Me…Yes
Her…That’s the exact shade of sage green I want for the guest bathroom
5 in seven people think my jokes are too divisive
The remainder find them funny
I hear they've just named a new Constellation after Fred Flintstone
They found it after looking through the Rubble telescope
What nationality are you when you're in the bathroom?
Euro-peein
How much does a rainbow weigh?
Almost nothing, it's pretty light.
“How do you think I keep my car so shiny?”“Polish?”
“Sorry. Jak myślisz, jak mogę utrzymać mój samochód tak lśniący?”
A young man was not having much success in dating women, so he went to the library to find a book on romance. He checked out one called "How to Hug." It wasn't much help.
It turns out he checked out volume 14 of an encyclopedia.
Time flies like an arrow...
Fruit flies like a banana.
My waiter at a fancy restaurant looked confused when I asked if they could put the roasted mallard on top of the caviar.
When he asked “Why?” I said, “I’m trying to get my ducks in a roe.”
What do you call a sick bird who just robbed a bank?
An ill-eagle!
What has a bank but no money?
River
A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6.
He seemed irritated when I answered:
"Kindergarten"
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