Redhead: "I know it's gonna be a girl 'cause I was on top."
Blonde: "Oh no, I'm having puppies..."
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is, the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.
Immediately I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, car number and description of the place where I parked etc. I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband!!!
"Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I manage to convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car."
(This happened today. Not sure if it’s a ‘dad joke’ but was pretty funny. She’s 11 years old.)
She said, “Really? What’s so interesting about it?”
I said, “I don’t know… they’re still working on it.”
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Bubba ran out on the porch, puzzled at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting his face in his hands, Bubba moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? Send me a BLIND policeman."
Thoroughly intrigued, the attorney ordered his chauffeur to pull over. He stepped out of the vehicle, adjusted his expensive suit, and walked over to the men. "Excuse me," the lawyer said. "Why on earth are you two eating grass?"
One of the men looked up, his eyes hollow with hunger. "Sir, we have no money, no jobs, and we haven't been able to afford food for days. We are eating the grass just to survive."
The lawyer’s heart swelled with sudden pity. "This is terrible! No one should have to endure this. Please, both of you, get into my limousine right now. I am taking you back to my estate."
The first man choked back tears. "Sir, you are incredibly kind, but I cannot leave my wife and our three children. They are sitting over under that tree, and they haven't eaten either."
"Bring them all!" the lawyer insisted grandly. "There is plenty of room!"
The second man hesitated. "Sir, my wife and our six children are also hiding in the bushes further down."
"The more the merrier! Bring them along too!" the lawyer replied.
With some effort, the chauffeur managed to squeeze all fourteen impoverished people into the massive luxury limousine. Once they were on the highway, one of the husbands turned to the lawyer, tears streaming down his face. "Sir, we can never thank you enough for your immense generosity. You are an absolute angel for taking us in to feed us."
The lawyer smiled warmly, patted the man on the shoulder, and said, "Oh, don't mention it! You are all going to absolutely love my estate. The grass in my backyard is nearly a foot tall!"
(I thought of this at random today and if anybody can refine it please do)
"A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them." - P. J. O'Rourke
