I wanted to share a joke that's slightly NSFW with you all, but knowing how people in this sub are. It'll just be removed.
[Removed]
My wife gave me a handjob the other day using vaseline
I came three times trying to wash that shit off
My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards
I said Y NOT
Did you hear about the new movie called Constipation?
It hasn't come out yet.
just watched a programme about beavers, and you know what
it was the best dam programme I’ve ever seen.
What do you get if you plant a chicken egg?
A poul-tree.
I saw an ad for a radio that said: Radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.
I just knew I couldn't turn that down.
I tried to buy my way into Olympic Gold
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you medaling kids!
If a dwarf tells you a story from their childhood, do they start it with
When I was little......
Two redneck bear hunters are driving along to hunt one down and …
They come to a fork in the road and the sign said “Bear left”, so they drove home.
Whats the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?
Snow balls
Never trust guitars
they're all strung out
A physician, attorney, and a statistician go hunting..
They come across a deer. The physician takes a shot and misses 6 inches to the left. The attorney shoots and misses 6 inches to the right. The statistician yells “we got ‘em!”
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat came up and flashed them
One old lady immediately had a stroke. The other one couldn't quite reach.
My uncle told me that women with small breasts aren’t good singers.
They’re always flat.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in roman numerals?
I M LIVID
My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter.
They said only mails work here.
I just learned about the place in the United States with the lowest average cholesterol.
Apparently a borough of New York City has the lowest average cholesterol in the United States. Statin Island.
I was just diagnosed with IBS, lost my wallet, and missed my bus.
Not sure how I’ll get home with nothing but I’ll make doo.
What candy do happy cowboys eat?
Jolly Ranchers
I tried to use the self checkout for the first time at the store today
But I didn’t see any mirrors anywhere
Why did a kid bring a ladder to class ?
Because he wanted to go to High school
Husband: There's broken condoms on the couch
Wife: Stop calling the kids that.
Call them by their names.
What is a cat's favorite gaming system?
PSP... pspspspspsp
A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. The boomer waves this off and says the kids these days are just too sensitive, and that he fought for civil rights in the sixties and did his part.
They go back and forth on this for a while, and finally the Gen Z kid says, "We're just not gonna settle this. We don't see eye to eye. You're too old and out of touch and I'm too young and inexperienced. What we need to do is ask a Millennial with a PhD in sociology for their opinion."
The boomer says, "that's a great idea!" And yells, "HEY BARTENDER, C'MERE!"
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