Alcohol consumption is set to rise by 350% in England during the World Cup.
Until the group stages are over.
My wife bet me $1000 I couldn’t turn spaghetti into a car.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
A man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. "I am a turtle," he says. "Who's on your back?"
"That's Michelle
Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions
What kind of pants does a ghost hunter wear
Just a paranormal jeans
Two drunks are about to get in a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and says, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face!”
That was the punchline.
If Jesus is the Son of God, then God is the Dad of Christ, and if all Dads do Dad jokes, what would be some Celestial Dad humor?
My thought is Australia.
What did Caesar say when his best friend sneezed?
Achoo, Brute?
A small church was raising funds for a new piano. On Sunday the pastor said, “Whoever gives the most money today for the offering can pick out 3 hymns.So they passed the basket around and the pastor saw a $100 bill in there.
He said “Looks like we have a winner! Whoever gave the $100 bill can come to the front & select 3 hymns.”
An 80-year old woman got up, walked to the front, & pointing her finger at the congregation, said,
“I’ll take him, him, and him!“
I might have to start going back to church.
Why was the dictionary afraid to cross the road?
It couldn't look left or right, it could only look up.
Did you hear about the game of the year that made zero dollars?
Me neither, that doesn’t make any cents.
Detectives knocked on my door and said that they were looking for a burglar with one eye.
I said wouldn't it be better if you used both eyes.
How do you get Lyme disease on the Moon?
From luna ticks
There's a breed of bats that navigate with mild cursing.
They use Heckolocation.
Kermit the Frog walked into a bank to borrow some money to make his next movieThe loan officer introduced himself as John Pattywhack, then told Kermit he’d need to offer something as collateral
“Take this,” Kermit said, and handed the loan officer an unfamiliar object
The loan officer looked at him and said, “I’m gonna need to talk with my manager”
The loan officer showed the object to his manager
“Kermit offered this as collateral but I have no idea what it is”
The manager rolled his eyes and said, “it’s a knickknack, Pattywhack. Give the frog a loan.”
I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps.
He just gave me a blank stair.
My therapist suggested getting an emotional support animal. So I got a chicken. Deep fried, came with a milkshake.
Feeling better now.
My dog Minton, just bit my sports equipement to pieces.
Bad Minton!
A very skinny girl came into a bookstore and asked the clerk”What is the chance you would have a book on religion curing an eating disorder.”
The clerk responded Slim to nun
Austin Richard Post raps under the stage name Post MaloneMacaulay Culkin raps under the stage name
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Ho Malone.
Last Halloween
My buddy told me to be at the haunted house at 8pm, I replied, beware?
The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when i was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine, suit yourself.”
If a bee is bothering you, don’t run away or swat at it. Just stare at it.
Because seeing is bee leaving
Nate’s farm adjoins other farmers’ land. He chose straight property lines to prevent disputes.
Like a good neighbor, Nate’s farm is square
What do you call an onion that won’t stop rhyming?
A rap scallion.
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