My neighbor has started dating a woman that works at McDonalds.
My neighbor has started dating a woman that works at McDonalds. He likes to tease her about her name being Patty. Then he found out that all she does is complain and hold grudges at work. So now he calls her all beef Patty.
Why do Lawyers never wear boxers?
They prefer briefs
Sisters of Mercy House of ProstitutionA man was driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he saw a sign that said, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution – 15 mi.’
Being tired, he thought it was just a figment of his imagination and drove on without a second thought.
Not too long after he saw another sign that said 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 8 mi’ and realized the signs were real.
When he drove past a third sign saying, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right' his curiosity got the better of him and he pulled into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot was a stone building with a small sign next to the door:
Sisters of Mercy
He climbed the stairs and rang the bell.
The door was answered by a nun in the customary black habit who said, 'What can we do for you, my son?’
He answered, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.’
'Very well, my son, please follow me.’
He was led through many winding passages and was soon disoriented.
The nun stopped at a closed door and said, 'Please knock on this door.’
He did as he was told. This door was answered by another nun holding a tin cup.
This nun said, 'Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.’
He took $50 out of his wallet and placed it in the second nun's cup.
He trotted eagerly down the hall and slipped through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locked behind him he found himself back in the parking lot facing another small sign.
The sign read:
Go in Peace.
You Have Just Been Screwed
by the Sisters of Mercy
I once offered a panhandler an apple…“No thanks,” he said. “I don’t have any teeth.”
Just goes to show: beggars can’t be chewers.
Why is the little mermaid wearing sea-shells?
She grew out of her b-shells
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
Jabba was going to propose to Leia.
But when the time came, he choked.
My wife asked me to spoon in bed...
but I'd rather fork
I hired an electrician.
I was shocked to find out how bad he was.
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket!
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
De-calfeinated.
A repairman came to fix my oven todayHe says, “I found your problem. It was a bad transformer.”
I replied, “I think those are called decepticons.”
True story.
Can one of the boys help me carry this fuel tank?
'Jerry can'
All seats in a lecture were taken, so I sat on the chair...
...then the chair's assistant came and asked me to get off him
How do you make an angry friend super angry?
Put a cape on them.
I illegally made a hat out of paper towels
Now I have a bounty on my head.
What's the difference between a politician and getting kindling to light in a thunderstorm?
One's a luck-in fire, the other's a...
I told my wife I was going to make a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face with I drove pasta.
The Mandolorian
The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section and say, “This is the whey."
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
Sudoku
My son saw me working a sudoku puzzle and complained that they are too hard and that he can never finish one. I encouraged he to keep at it because it really a numbers game.
My wife said that if anything should happen to her, I should see other women.
She just stubbed her toe on the bed frame, so I guess I'm avaliable.
What do you call an insulated cup full of stale soda?
Flat Stanley
"I don't know why I keep telling you this but I'm not a little robot guy who only communicates in beeps and chirps"
- "Are too!"
What did the man say to the life saving bread
I knead you
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