The doctor asked me on scale of 1-10, what my arthritic pain level was. I told him Pi.He asked, "Pi?"
I said, "yes, my pain is a little greater than a 3, and it's continously shifting slightly, but never ending."
[True story, the doctor laughed.]
If Marshall Mathers was ever knighted...
Could you call him "His Emineminence?"
A drunk guy wakes up in jail and says "Why am I here officer?""For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
Stop putting flyers on my carStop putting flyers on my car!
No, I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
Best joke that I have heard so far, please give your honest opinion on it :3
a duck walks into the bar, and he asks the bartender, "do you have any grapes?" And the bartender replies "no", so the duck leaves.
the next day the duck comes back into the bar and asks again, "do you have any grapes?", so the bartender says "no, this is a bar", and the duck leaves.
so the next day the duck comes back to the bar the next day and asks "do you have any grapes?", and the bartender says "look, you stupid duck, this is a bar.
we sell alcohol. no produce, no fruit, and no grapes. if you come back in here again and ask for grapes, I will nail your little webbed feet to the floor. got it?"
so the duck leaves. the next day the duck comes back into the bar and asks "do you have any nails?" and the bartender says "no," and then the duck says "great, so do you have any grapes?"
3024 years from now,
Life will either be really good or really bad, it’s 5050.
A teacher sternly informs her class that no excuse,A teacher sternly informs her class that no excuse, from a papercut to the plague, is acceptable for missing a final exam.
When students suggest scenarios like car issues or roadblock, she tells them to walk or find a detour.
Finally, a student asks what to do in the case of "extreme sexual exhaustion,"?
Which the teacher deadpans, "You'll just have to learn to write with your other hand".
As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself...
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.
Did you here about the magic tractor.
It turned into a field.
My psychiatrist tells me I'm a kleptomaniac...
I wonder if there's anything I can take for this.
How many balls are in a male quartet?
Sixteen. One of them is a tenor.
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
You know how the Earth spins on its axis?
That just makes my day.
The wrong kind of habit...
...can certainly get a nun in trouble.
What do you call a half Chinese, half Russian woman with a very sore throat?
Wu Pinkov
Archimedes once said...
Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I still couldn't lift your mom.
Batman is a great superhero, but he's pretty clueless when it comes to exponents.
He doesn't have any powers.
When I die I want my ashes pressed into an LP record
It’s my vinyl request
In my job I decapitate people. In fact, I better get back to my duty.
It's time for me to head off.
What food item is considered a religious object?
Swiss cheese, it's holey.
Why do flowers like to be kissed?
Because they have tulips
what do you call identical boobs?
identitties ( • )( • )
Where did the soldier go after getting lost in a minefield?
Everywhere.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
What do you call an alligator that uses GPS?
A navigator!
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