Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn for 24 hours.
So they called it a day.
I was at a job interview and they asked me how I perform under pressure.
Not very well but I can absolutely kill it on Bohemian Rhapsody.
Why did Aladdin get banned from the race?
Because of his performance enhancing rugs
When my wife was giving birth, the doctor came in and said, ‘I’ll be the one to deliver the baby.’ I said, no thank you…
We’d like our baby to keep its liver.
I overheard my Mum say the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex.I burst in through the bedroom door saying, "Can I have a new bike?"
Dad was very upset. But his secretary was surprisingly nice about it.
Yes, I got the bike.
I would tell a chemistry joke, but
all the good ones argon.
I think the girl at the airline's check-in just threatened me
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?” I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
What has 5 toes and isn't your foot?
My foot.
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck the bartender was almost crushed to death.
GF: Why did you buy a fake dog turd?
Me: You said we needed sham poo.
Why does America’s foot hurt?
Because it has palantir fascists.
I've invented a golf ball that will go in the hole if it gets within 4 inches
Note to self: DO NOT put them in back pocket
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails.When the police show up, they ask him what happened.
The shaken turtle replies, “I just don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
What drink goes well with an MRE?
Camo meal tea
Why did the sheep go to jail?
He was a baaaaaaaadd guy!
As I get older I remember all the people I lost along the way
Maybe being a tour guide was not the best career choice
I found out today that Dwayne Johnson has lived in the apartment above me for a LONG time...
I can't believe I've been living under a Rock for years.
I never thought I'd be shoplifting from a kitchen supply store.
But that's a whisk I'm willing to take.
What do you call an untidy soccer player who loves trains?
Lionel Messi
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Everyone talks about human rights...
I wonder why they never talk about the lefts
My Girlfriend Writes Down All Of Funniest Dad Jokes.
I Just Keep Them In A Dadabank
I once forgot how to throw a boomerang...
but then it came back to me.
Did you hear about the snowman who got upset when the sun came out?
He had a total meltdown
It's so cold outside...My plumber pulled his pants up!
🥁'tssss
top
