My wife says that I don't respect her privacy.
At least that's what it says in her diary.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my father crushed those dreams years ago.
He'd always say: "For you, son, the sky's the limit!"
Sorry I couldn’t answer your call while I was at the buffet
I just had a lot on my plate
Soccer joke
Q: Why doesn’t Ronaldo ever have to clean his room?
A: Because he’s not Messi
I’m rooting for the West African soccer team to beat Colombia
But I’m afraid they Ghana lose.
Did you know Canada has a fourth of July?
And a fifth of July, and a sixth of July, and...
How do they welcome new members at a nudist colony?
with a bear hug.
As the contestants entered the Artist of the Year competition, each walked past a table filled with pencils and paints.They eagerly grabbed a pencil before settling at their easels, and sketched furiously until their final pieces were complete.
The judge slowly inspected the artworks, then threw up his hands and exclaimed
“I’m sorry to say, we have no winners. Everyone drew!”
I’m thinking about having my spine removed.
I just feel like it’s only holding me back.
Everyone knows Albert Einstein..
But have you met his brother Frank!? He's a monster!
I bought a new wooden cutting board today
And it’s useless, the thick edges don’t cut anything.
My reverse vasectomy was way more painful than the original surgery.
There was a vas deferens between the two.
I'm going to a gender reveal party.
But apparently I still have to wear pants.
Cinderella got kicked off the soccer team.
Because she kept running away from the ball
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans!
A guy approaches his doctor panicking, saying “You have to help me! I think I’m shrinking!”
The doctor said, “Settle down. You just have to learn to be a little patient.”
What does Mako say after losing connection?Mako-nnection isn't working.
(This was a Pacific Rim joke I saw that someone had posted in a tiktok comment section)
A man went into a building he'd never been to before to find a book, all he found were books on genital anatomy.
No one told him it was a pubic library.
Pianist.
I used to play piano by ear...
Now I use my hands.
Called the Wildlife Hotline.
Was told to push 3 for Bird life, push 4 for Fish life, or hold on for Deer life.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer,
it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
Did you know that the Red October was the first Russian nuclear-powered submarine?
Sorry, wrong sub
What's the sharpest thing in the world?
A fart. It rips right through your pants without even making a hole!
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