All this talk about misogyny...
how come no one ever talks about massage an elbow?
I spent $400 on a limo but I didn't get a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
What did the judge say to the dentist when he went for an extraction?
I want you to remove the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
When Ken fires up the grill, all his ladies line up for a good time.
It’s a Barbie queue.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had locomotives.
If You hold 7 oranges in one hand and 9 oranges in the other, what do you have??
Really big hands
I took a midnight swim in one of the Great Lakes
It was erie
I once was arrested for identity theft.
I was a different person back then.
Who's bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby?
Mr. Bigger's baby.... because he's a little bigger.
I was never a believer in "you are what you eat" until I had sweet potatoes
I yam now
Teacher: If you had $1 and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?David: One.
Teacher: You don’t know your arithmetic.
David: You don’t know my father. 🤣
Did you hear about the judge who had no thumbs???
Justice Fingers……
Smoking can kill you, and bacon can kill you, but
...smoking bacon will cure it.
A friend suddenly quit his job at BMW.
Apparently there was no indication he was leaving
What do you call the actors who didn't land the Marvel role that went to Chris Hemsworth?
Thor losers
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn't like me critter sizing
Starting a new job in a guillotine factory,
I’ll beheading there tomorrow. . .
Even after years of development, my anti-itch cream still doesn't work.
Now I have to start over from scratch.
If I got a nickel every time I was confused
I’d be like, where do all these nickels keep coming from?
A man got fired from his jobDouglass Dickenson, got fired from his job and was on the lookout for a new role. Given his old age, no one wanted to hire him. He tried very hard, but no luck.
A new circus had come to town, so Douglass Dickenson went to the circus manager and asked - “Hello, my name is Doug and I’d like to work for you”. The manager replied - “But sir, you are old. We don't have a job for you”.
Out of desperation, Douglass Dickenson pleaded and begged and so eventually, the manager reluctantly agreed and decided to train him on a trapeze act.
The trapeze trainer did everything he could, but Douglass Dickenson could hardly hold the bar steady. So the trainer complained to the manager, and the manager then put him on the juggling act.
Then the juggling trainer gave his heart and soul to train, but Douglass Dickenson kept dropping the balls. The trainer complained to the manager, and the manager put him on the unicycle act.
Then the unicycle trainer went to extreme lengths to train, but Douglass Dickenson could hardly sit still and kept falling off. The trainer complained to the manager.
The manager called in Douglass Dickenson and told him - “I’m sorry sir, this isn't working, I have to fire you”.
Dejected, the old man went home. But can you really blame him for failing at this job? Cause.. You can’t teach an old Doug, new tricks.
My friend has a DeLorean
He only drives it from time to time.
Another Clock Joke!Part of my severance deal from my job at a clock company was signing an NDA.
Now I can't tell time!
A genie granted me one wish, so I wished to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Which is easier to shoot?
Fish in a barrel, a sitting duck, or the shit?
Why did the cookie cry?
Because its mom was a wafer too long.
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