I'll never forget what my grandad said to me before he croaked.
He said "hey kid, wanna hear my frog impression?"
I entered a lottery to win an entire shopping center, but I failed.
I guess you can't win a mall.
What do you call a Chinese amputee
TaiWanShu
Dad jokesI’m a gay dad and uncle. My partner came with a kid and nieces/nephews. Tonight my niece (4) told me after dinner that “All my Barbies died.”
Without missing a beat I asked her “Should we notify her Next of Ken” and I actually made myself laugh, then told everyone that would listen in the house, including her in order brother (12), and then the internet.
It’s not an original joke, but by God was I proud of such a milestone. Time to strap on the New Balances and start mowing.
Dad jokes in space!On the last day of the Artemis II Mission, mission specialist Christina Koch wanted milk in her coffee, to which Commander Reid Wiseman said “You can’t use milk. In space, no one can; here use cream.”
(Can’t confirm if Commander Wiseman actually said this, but apparently this was overhead. I know a transmission from yesterday morning for splashed down.)
What do you call a dog on a submarine?
A subwoofer
What was Hitlers favorite video game?
Mein Kraft
My ex-wife once shouted at me, "You're boring! You're really boring!"
So I put the drill down and said, "I know that!".
When 50 cent was hungry,
58.
1.7% of Americans over the age of 30 are married to their 3rd cousin.
Not sure why they didn't figure it out after they married their first two cousins.
When our granny died, she said, “plethora.”
That meant a lot.
Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts!
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because 69 fought 70 and 71.
What do you call a mediocre airline?
Mid Air
Why did the astronauts re-enter the atmosphere?
because they're very "down to earth" people.
I have to cut my fingernails
They are getting a little too far out of hand.
What do you call a tightrope walker who wears a Turban
Balan Singh
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because 70 is rumored to be a cannibal but no one can prove who 78.
I asked my magic 8-ball, "What's a good way to check my email?"
It said, "Outlook Good."
Why are trains in Western movies so shy?
They have no self-esteem.
Don't go to Starbucks sick
Or you'll get a cough fee
What on earth will we find on Mars?
Nothing, it’s not on earth.
It takes guts
To be an organ donor
You've heard of Doppler radar, but have you heard of
Doppelganger radar? It measures the speed of people who look like you.
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