After dinner, I asked my wife, "if chatting alot means you're chatty...After dinner, I asked my wife,
"if chatting alot means you're chatty, and giggling alot means you're giggly, then what's the word for someone who is cooking alot?"
Wife: "cookie?"
Me: Yes please with milk
A genie gave me 1 wish, and I said I just want to be happy,
now I am living in a cottage with 6 other dwarves and working in a mine......
What do you call it when Frankenstein prepares potatoes?
Monster mash.
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend.
She was obsessed with an X.
how do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
one will see you later, the other will see you in awhile.
What do you call a really fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
Because they don’t have the guts. 💀😂
A man walks into a shop and asks the shopkeeper: “Do you have any of those round batteries?”The shopkeeper responds: “Is it for a clock?”
“I don’t know”, says the man, “that’s why I need the batteries!”
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces.
For example: I'm going to the beer store, and I'm scared it will be closed.
An Engineer was unemployed for a long time.He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get $1,000.”
One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “This is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”
Doctor: “But this is $500…”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Went shopping today, and couldn't remember whether I needed beer and eggs. So to be safe I bought both.
Six of one and half a dozen of the other.
The inventor of the 'knock knock' jokes was finally honoured..
.. with a no bell prize.
What do you call 2 witches leasing an apartment together?
Broomates!
My wife told me that when she passes, she want me to marry Lauren.I asked, "Why? I thought you said you hated her."
She said, "I know."
A lady and gentleman are meeting for the first timeA lady and a gentlemen are meeting for the first time…
Her: “Tell me about your parents.”
Him: “I never knew my father as a child.”
Her: “How come?”
Him: “He’d grown up by the time I was born.”
What are haikus forI dont see the point of them
Seems useless i think
I quit smoking cold turkey
Now I’m on to brisket and ribs
Bugs Bunny never uses Google Drive to send files.
He only sends a WhatsApp doc.
Why don't ants get sick?
They have anti-bodies.
If Wilson lent Tom Hanks $20...
Tom Hanks would be Owen Wilson.
I have 1000 jokes to tell you
Actually just 999 jokes, i cant seem to find the 404th joke
Two math functions are buying a house together. The real estate agen says they need to come in for final paperwork.
They need to Sine and Cosine.
Are French Army jokes allowed on X (formerly known as twitter)?
If so, I’ll retweet.
What about the witch that had triplets
She didn't know which witch was which.
My son is looking for a job so I told him to apply at Subway
I heard they have a lot of open rolls they need to fill
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