My kid walked in with his new Middle Eastern friend from next door and said, “Dad, guess what? My new friend is WAY cooler than all the other kids on our street!”
Kneeling down I said, “Buddy, I’m excited you two are getting along… but you really shouldn’t compare Yousef to others.”
In today's news, a man accidentally overdosed on Viagra.
The wife is taking it hard.
What is the loneliest cheese?
Provolone.
I went to an Eskimo restaurant…
I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked the waiter about the specials.
He said: 'We've got whale meat, or whale meat, or whale meat... Or we've got the Vera Lynn.' I said 'What's the Vera Lynn?' He said 'Whale meat again.....
I named my closet “Eventually”
Because that’s when I’ll clean it.
Happening in a dinerA waitress at a diner gave a man his check.
As he got up to leave
he put down the amount
for the check and three cents for the tip.
The waitress noticed this
and said, “You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.”
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?
Waitress: This first one tells me you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.
Waitress: This second one tells me you are not married.
Man: Yes, that's true too.
Waitress: And this last one tells me your mother wasn't married either.
What was the steak knife thinking when he was dating the butter knife?
"She's kinda dull."
What do you call a paper-airplane that doesn’t fly?
Stationary
I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday
I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
Why did the insomniac get sent to jail?
He was resisting a rest.
My wife shouted, "There’s a grizzly in our kitchen! How'd it get in?" I explained, "Honey, it's a long story and you probably won't believe me, but..."
"Bear with me..."
A cartoonist was found dead in his home..
The details are sketchy
I told mom on Saturday it was smelling kinda cold in the kitchen.
She didn't get it until I reminded her I was making chili. Sadly, she was not amused.
The sign at the gas station read $4.04
My teen son instantly said “404 error gas price not found.” Proud moment.
I found out that my wife is a ghost
I had my suspicions when she walked through the door.
I told my wife I would go to all four corners of the earth for her.
Unfortunately the earth is round.
A lot of people think that crop circles are caused by aliens spacecraft, but I think they are done by...
...cereal killers.
What did the Eqyptian mortician say after he was done with the body?
That's a wrap.
What do you call it when you tie ropes in space?
Astro-knots
Did you hear about the new movie Constipation
It hasn’t come out yet
What did the cocky owl say about his opponent before his MMA fight?
Who?
Why did the vampire go to school to be a plumber?
He is great with drains and he wanted something he could sink his teeth into..
There was an explosion at the cheese factoryDe Brie was everywhere.
It was days ago and there's Stiltons of it around.
What smells better than it taste?
A Nose
What do you call a bull that’s sleeping?
A bull dozer.
top
