Brake padsThis just now happened...
Went into O'Reilly for brake pads. Guy at the counter said, "What are you needing today?"
I said, "I need brake pads."
He got his fingers on the keyboard and said, "OK, what's it for?"
I said, "It helps your car stop."
My wife fainted onto the baggage carousel at the airport.
Thankfully she came around.
I was just convicted by two dudes names Jimothy and four guys named Jim.
It was a Jim, Jimothy, Jim, Jimothy, Jim, Jim jury.
Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.
I can’t believe it’s not better
Someone just accused me of plagiarism.
Their words, not mine.
My son asked me "Do trees poop?"
I asked him "Where do you think they get #2 pencils?"
My wife said: "That's the 4th time you've gone back for dessert! Doesn't it embarrass you?"
I said: "No, I keep telling them it's for you."
I bought a first aid kit today.
I thought I’d treat myself.
I went to a pun off last week. The first category was "Water Sources"
I lost in the first round. I didn't do well!
I tried eating beef intestines but just couldn't
It was offal
Napoleon.
Okay, maybe Napoleon didn't design his coat. But he definitely had a hand in it.
Why you should eat a banana everyday?
Because they rot quickly.
What’s better than a dad bod?
A father figure.
Would 14 yrs old version be proud of you?
I am not here to impress a mentally ill child
My doctor gave me bad news about my chronic tendonitis
He said it had progressed into eleventitis
I competed in a sun-tanning contest, hoping to win a gold medal.
I got bronze.
As I get older I realise I don't look good in certain things anymore.
Like photos and mirrors for example.
What was Carrie's least favorite class in high school?
First Period.
I keep mixing up my neurologist and urologist.
The confusion is driving me nuts and pissing me off.
Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships
Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer.
I recently changed careers from male model to gardener.
I guess I'm a grower, not a shower.
What do you call a nun that can fly?
(A) A bird
(B) A plane
(C) None of the above
I’m proud of all my hobbies. Well, except for my microscope collection.
I look down on that one.
I’ve never trusted lizards
Right from the gecko
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