A teacher asks her class if they can use the word ‘contagious’ in a sentenceA girl raises her hand and says, “the flu is very contagious”.
“Very good”, the teacher replies, and then asks if anyone else can.
A boy raises his hand and says, “my neighbor was painting her house by herself, and my dad said it would take the contagious”
What’s the difference between light and hard?
It’s easier to fall asleep with a light on
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"
The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.
Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.
After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"
Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"
"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."
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I told my therapist that I'm afraid of letters...
She said, you are? And then I started screaming! She then said, oh I see and that's when I started screaming louder!
A man had a heart attack at a bookstore and died because medical teams couldn't reach him in time.
He went to a Borders without Doctors
Where’s the worst place to hide in a hospital?
The I.C.U
How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None Trump said he did it and they all clap in the dark
I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159.
Then it just CLIX.
Did you know when you are clinically dead you continue to be able to see for about two minutes?
Because your pupils dilate.
What do you call a speedy Indian driver?
Ray Singh
What fruit can only be eaten two at a time?
Pears
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book
Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.
A baby was born mid flight.
She was airborne.
What do German air force pilots eat for breakfast?
Luft-waffles.
Why do electricians make terrible sailors?
They’re always running a ground.
Queen.People say Queen isn't metal.
I disagree.
Every song they recorded has Mercury in them.
When does a bad joke turn into a dad joke?When it becomes apparent.
yeah
A notorious arsonist died recently.
His mum paid tribute by saying, “Wherever he went, he lit up a room.”
If you have oral sex while driving down the road; it's called Road Head, but if you're flying through the air..
..then would it be called Air Head?
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I'll meet you at the corner!
Did you know that the expression “not a palindrome”
Is not a palindrome?
Whats the difference between a sock and a camera ?
One takes 5 toes and the other take pho-tos
Why do vegans never get into fights?
They don't like the beef.
Just found out that the great Steffi Graf has a sister...
Her name is Polly. I'm not lying.
A pet food company is hiring an artist to draw a sketch of a dog for an adThey bring in all sorts of candidates, but all of them have something wrong with them. One candidate is clearly using AI, another artist draws dogs with cat ears, another guy only does quick sketches of Labradoodles on napkins, a fourth person can't draw at all, etc.
Eventually, the hiring committee is tired of interviewing and they ask their boss, "are any of these good enough?"
The boss reviews all the materials and shrugs, "I guess the Labradoodle doodle dude'll do"
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