Did you know when you are clinically dead you continue to be able to see for about two minutes?
Because your pupils dilate.
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book
Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.
How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?
He cuts holes in his pockets
What happens when you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy?
You have a rash of good luck (I was just itching to tell someone.)
Did you know that the expression “not a palindrome”
Is not a palindrome?
Just found out that the great Steffi Graf has a sister...
Her name is Polly. I'm not lying.
I bought a box of animal crackers yesterday but had to take them back.
The seal was broken...
I keep getting phone calls from the Military all the time.
Does anyone know who this Private Number is?
Did you hear about the Mexican railway engineer’s crazy reasons for committing crimes?
Everyone’s saying he had loco motives.
What's the opposite of an onion?
An offion.
Did you hear about the scientist who accidentally froze himself to -273.15°C?
In the end, he was 0k
What do you call a male hooker?
A Prostidude
I got a tattoo of a thermos on my arm.
Now I can tell my son, “Don’t touch the thermos tat!”
After family beach vacation, I'm in the dog house.
Never volunteer that you think your wife's younger sister has an ice chest.
I live in New Jersey and I ride-share with two other people to our jobs in Manhattan. However, around half-way there, I get severe pain in my hands, so I went to see a doctor.
Apparently, I have carpool tunnel syndrome.
What do you call Batman that skips church?
Christian Bale
I can't stand those shirts with the little alligator on them.
I'm Lacoste-Intolerant
What does a hot dog use for protection?
Condoments
I hate when I can’t read my own handwriting.
Luckily that only happens when I write myself instructions on how to turn on the lights.
I'm thinking of quitting smoking for my New Year's resolution.
All I've got to do now is start smoking.
A notorious arsonist died recently.
His mum paid tribute by saying, “Wherever he went, he lit up a room.”
Why did Darth Vader hesitate at the end of Return of the Jedi?
Because deep down, he's still Panakin
You know it actually makes sense that a lot of socialists are introverts,
After all they hate company
The Ocean
I went to the Ocean to see the waves….
It was just swell
Looking for help researching German U-boats
Oops, sorry, wrong sub.
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