What do you call a Viking who lost his boat?
A Hiking.
Pretty happy with a visual gag dad joke.No screenshots allowed, so I will describe my text chain.
Are you free at 1:00?
I am
No 1 pm
Finally got a good oneI went to the doctor yesterday, and she wanted me to get some bloodwork done. While the phlebotomist was readying the vials, she asked me, “are you able to give a urine sample?”
I responded, “urine luck!”
Apparently she never heard that before.
What do you call Donna when she gets angry?
Madonna
Why dont scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything
Why shouldn't you kick a volcano?
You might Krakatoa
Did you hear about North Korea's new metric unit for measuring water?
The Supreme Litre
Seen in a food courtI took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next
to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it..
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
I bought a dog from a blacksmith.
The moment I got home, he made a bolt for the door.
What word can you make shorter by adding two letters?
Short
I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put some music on?” I said, “Not at all.”He said, “Kiss?”
I said, “Let’s listen to the music first and see how we feel.”
What happens when a microscope crashes into a telescope?
They kaleidoscope.
Why's Santa's sack so heavy?
He only comes once a year
At the mental hospitalRyan and Emily were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ryan suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Emily promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Emily's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Emily the news she said, 'Emily, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ryan hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Emily replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?
What did the snake say when it was cut in half?
I won’t be long now
"Could you tell me what "entre nous" means?"
"Well, just between us... ... ... ."
I got my husband pretty goodWe were on a walk, and we passed the site of where a fireworks store once stood. Someone crashed a car into it, and the place exploded and burned down pretty dramatically. All that's left is a slab and some of the flooring.
We were poking around at it out of curiosity, and I pointed at the ground and said, "This must have been a French restaurant at some point."
Him: "What? Seriously? How would you know?"
Me: "Yeah you see these bits of flooring here? That's linoleum blown apart."
He groaned so loudly, people across the street looked up to see what had caused this man such anguish.
What do you call a row of rabbits marching backwards?
A Receding Hare Line
When my wife was pregnant, I gave her a list of tasks for the day. I don’t know why she was so angry about it.
I thought she’d like agenda reveal.
A doc visits his psychiatrist, he says "Doc, you gotta help me, I can't stop thinking about the Backstreet Boys"
The psych furrows his brow, leans in and asks "Hmmm...tell me why?"
Why does the refrigerator door have to stay closed?
Because you might see the salad dressing.
Do you know that too much sex can cause you memory loss
I read it on page 14 in a medical journal on the 12th of March 2018 at 7:41 pm shortly After I returned from returning a book to the library that was 21 days past due then went shopping for three apples, a quart of ice cream and an innertube patch on the way home from buying a large milkshake with whip cream from dairy queen and stepped on 2 ants walking into the house
Hacker.
How did the hacker get away from the police?
He ransomware.
A walking taco enters a bar and orders a beer
The bartenders says sorry but we don’t serve food here
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