Why don't spies fart in bed?
Because it would blow their cover
I told my son it was time for his nap.
He refused to go lie down, so with a heavy heart I had to report him to the police. He was resisting a rest.
I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas
There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count
I tried opening a restaurant for indecisive people
The menu just says “Whatever.”
My wife told me to stop calling every small repair “a project”
So now they’re “limited-time household events.”
My kid walked in with his new Middle Eastern friend from next door and said, “Dad, guess what? My new friend is WAY cooler than all the other kids on our street!”
Kneeling down I said, “Buddy, I’m excited you two are getting along… but you really shouldn’t compare Yousef to others.”
After the flood
After the flood, all of the animals from the ark went forth and multiplied, except for the snakes. Try as they might, the snakes couldn't have any babies. They finally came to Noah and Noah told them that he'd pray about it and get back to them the next day with an answer. Noah did just that, and the next day he came back to relay what God had told him. "Just build yourself a bed of logs and mate there." The snakes did as they were told, and the next thing you know, there were baby snakes slithering around all over the place. Noah went back to God to report to him that his instructions had worked perfectly. But he had to ask how this worked. God said, "Very simple. When you use logs, even adders can multiply."
What did the melon say when his lawn was looking dry?
"I guess it's time to water-ma-lawn..."
Did you hear how Richie Cunningham was cheated out of his savings?
It was a Fonzie scheme.
What does Fozzie Bear like to put on his tacos?
guaca guaca guaca
Happening in a dinerA waitress at a diner gave a man his check.
As he got up to leave
he put down the amount
for the check and three cents for the tip.
The waitress noticed this
and said, “You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.”
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?
Waitress: This first one tells me you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.
Waitress: This second one tells me you are not married.
Man: Yes, that's true too.
Waitress: And this last one tells me your mother wasn't married either.
I tried buying 3 dozen muffins with chocolate chips at the local bakery
They only accept cash or credit cards.
In today's news, a man accidentally overdosed on Viagra.
The wife is taking it hard.
ALDI.I just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from ALDI.
It even came with Aldi king’s horses and Aldi king’s men.
I went to an Eskimo restaurant…
I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked the waiter about the specials.
He said: 'We've got whale meat, or whale meat, or whale meat... Or we've got the Vera Lynn.' I said 'What's the Vera Lynn?' He said 'Whale meat again.....
Why do German cats live forever?
Because even when they have no lives left, they still have nein!
What is the loneliest cheese?
Provolone.
I got a snarky letter from the HOA saying I’d be fined if I didn’t build a backyard enclosure for my dogs.
Needless to say, I took a fence to that.
What do you call a bovine informant?
A cow tipper.
People ask me when I knew my political campaign was failing. If I had to pick one event, it's the time I misplaced by orthotics, my back brace, and my jock strap.
That's when I started losing support.
What's the difference between houses and horses?
You are.
What should you call man-boobs
Chesticles.
I’d like to open my own hospital.
But I don’t have the patients for it.
There was a semi truck carrying hair products that crashed...
There were no fatalities, but everyone on the scene dyed.
What do you call an angry triangle?
A pyramad
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