My wife isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
....I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.
Have you heard the rumor about butter?
Nevermind, I'm not going to spread it. -- from my 12 year old son.
Hand-written road sign: "Farm Shop Ahead. Homemade Sausages For Sale."
"100 Yards Left."
I got fired from the French fry factory for stealing inventory.
They made a big deal out of it, but really it was small potatoes.
Why isn't holy water used in vaccines?
You can't take the Lord's name in vein.
What do you call a goose who transitions?
Transgander
I hear next saturday is going to be a perfect day.
It's a 10/10.
What's the difference between jelly and jam?
You can't jelly a copier
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts
(unsure if it is a repost but found it quite funny)
What annoyed George Washington most about having fake teeth?
Wooden chew like to know?
Can you believe I got fired from the calendar factory?
Just for taking a day off!!
What’s the difference between dad joke and a divorce?
My wife never asks me for a dad joke.
Talking about inventions of the past century with the wife
and I quipped that the dry erase board has to be one of the most remarkable.
I crossed a four leaf clover with poison ivy and got a rash of good luck.
I was just itching to tell someone.
Researching Lee Majors and his wife FarrahSomething I found that's fascinating: I was researching famous known couples from back in the 1970s. I was reading about Lee Majors and his then wife Farrah.
It turns out that they had a pair of twins that when graduating from high school, both decided to attend the University of Cairo (Egypt). They declared their chief course of study to be ancient Egyptian Plumbing methods.
That's right, they became Pharaoh Faucett Majors.
Why did the hippopotamus cross the road?It was the chicken's day off.
(Told to me by my daughter when she was 5)
I'm looking to sell my Delorean.Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
What do you call an underground dog?
A Subwoofer
You know what's good about working with prosthetics?
Being able to give someone a hand.
What are zebras for?
Zeboobs.
Why don't cows talk to each other?
Cause there's always beef between them.
What is a skeleton’s favorite band?
Bone Thugs and Harmony.
I'm selling a dead budgie on eBay. But I have to warn you...
It's not going cheap...
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised. Australians usually boo meringue.
My kid was really upset after spelling "apocalypse" wrong in the spelling bee
I said "relax, it's not the end of the world."
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