My son was going on his first overnight hunting trip...
He wanted to get some new gear for the trip so we headed to Scheels (massive sporting goods store) to pick some things up. We got just about everything on the list and he tells me, "I think I got everything, but couldn't find the camo pants." So I walk him over and point to the aisle. He just stares at it and says, "Where?" I point again. He repeats himself. I start to get frustrated and ask, "How can you NOT see them? They're right th—" And then I realized I had raised my son right.
My friend tattooed his favourite Star Wars character on his cheek.
You should have seen the Luke on his face.
What do you call a cult that’s hard to get into?
Difficult
Steve Miller (the rock and roll Steve Miller) dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates...St. Peter: Tell me about yourself.
SM: I'm a picker.
St. Peter: Nice.
SM: I'm a grinner.
St. Peter: That's nice too.
SM: I'm a lover.
St. Peter: Great. Anything else?
SM: Uhm, no.
Did you know that the Princess Bride never had kids?
Inconceivable
A friend and dad to be has told me this joke several times over the years. Well 45 minutes ago it actually happened to me in real life!A knock on the door. My wife's answers.
"There's a salesman here with a bald head!" She shouted.
"Tell him I already have one!" I replied.
I called him and we did nothing but laugh for what seemed like 20 full minutes.
My son got meWe were outside tucking the pets in. It was a beautiful fall evening in Denver. I called him over to admire the brilliant stars in the sky. Low in the north east, one was scintillating. "Look," I said, "see the bright one? That's Vega!".
He pointed to a brilliant light just taking off from Denver International, "Look," he said, "See that bright one? That's Boeing!"
I .. I'm so proud!
"What would you call Madonna before she was born?""I don't know."
"Pre-Madonna!"
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
You know know why eagles must never ever get sick?
Cause it's ill-eagle.
Son: Why is the dog trying to eat that stick?
Me: Wooden chew like to know
A huge number of women are trying to make bangs come back into fashion
It's a fringe movement.
Why is Kim Jong Un so cruel?
Because he have no Seul
Dang girl, are you today's date?
Because you are 10/10!
Don’t be freaked out if you unexpectedly run into your French classmate peeking around a corner at the marina.
That’s Pierre, your peer who peered from a pier and simply appeared.
What's a whale's favorite food?
A krill cheese sandwich. (via my 8-year-old nephew)
Why was Juan in charge of the milking?
You can't have Juan without the Udder
How does the FBI agent stay warm in the winter?
He goes under cover
Mike Ditka, NFL Legend dead at 86The family has announced who will have the honor of carrying his coffin to his final resting place:
DA pall BEARS
RIP Big Guy
Sauron prefers sedans over coupes
There are More doors
The complaint department is run by Helen Waite.
If anyone wants to complain, you can go to Helen Waite.
Yesterday I saw a Chinese man in a lobster costume get run over by a bus.
I felt bad for that poor crushed Asian.
The doctor told my wife her body couldn’t support twins…
There just isn’t enough womb!
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an ithberg.
They cloned Santa to replace the head of the gift wrapping department…
They’re calling him Chris Crinkle.
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