My son has finally surpassed his mom in heightStanding next to her, she said to him “You’re six inches taller than me!”
To which he replied “If you think that’s six inches, Dad’s been lying to you”
(True story, happened yesterday. His timing was impeccable, and he had this great mixture of pride and utter embarassment)
Hiking in your 40s is a great way to meet new people.
Today I met two paramedics, three nurses, a cardiologist and nearly met my maker.
How do oysters reproduce?
I’m not sure but I’ve heard they’re pretty shellfish in bed.
I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden
Oopsie daisies
What do you get if you put a copy of Macbeth on top of a dictionary?
A play on words.
They say that dogs bark up to 350 times a day.
Of course, that's just a ruff estimate.
I think we clearly have different ideas on what a dad joke is
I wouldnt repeat alot of the jokes showing up lately to any kid( regardless if how funny). I feel like weve lost our way. Im no purist but theres plenty of other reddits for those jokes. :/
There are three truths in religion:1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
What do you call one thousand Millie Bobby Browns
Bobby Brown
My kid came out to me as trans and asked if I still accepted them for who they are. I told them quite clearly that I loved them no matter what they chose.
I was being transparent.
Can a ninja throw a ninja star?
Sure he can.
I’ve started investing in stocks. Chicken, beef and vegetable. I know it’s risky…
But with any luck, I’ll become a bouillionaire
My father’s brother is getting married
I hear that’s how you get aunts.
My wife and I split up for religious reasons.She worshipped money.
I didn’t have any.
I told my son, “Did you know when William the Conqueror took England that he made all the English lords get rid of the water around their castles so he could control them more easily”. “Did he really?”
“Yeh thats right. They were all de-moated.”
Why is a doctor always calm?
Because he has a lot of patients.
My son is trying to decide between staying in school or dropping out to become a roofer. Honestly, I don't know what to tell him.
Should he choose the former or the ladder?
I was in the bar last night when the waitress yells "Does anyone know CPR?"I yelled back "I know all those letters!"
Everyone laughed, well except this one guy.
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
A woolly jumper
Why did the painting go to jail?
It was framed!
“Knock Knock” “Who is it?” “Dishes” “Dishes who”
Dishes a bad joke
I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids.
When I got home, they were still there.
Why don't shrimp share?Because they're shellfish.
My 8yo daughter thought of that one tonight, after she accidentally said shellfish instead of selfish. Thought it was cute!
I've been really into dogs recently, and I like to think I can tell breeds apart at a glanceThe other day, I was walking and saw a girl with a large dog, and I said out loud, "Hey, that's a Great Pyrenees!"
She replied angrily "Stop looking at my legs you pervert!"
Why did the man fell down the water supply?
Because he couldn't see that well.
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