Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
If a king sleeps on a king-sized bed and a queen sleeps on a queen-sized bed, where does a prince sleep?
On an heir mattress.
Star Wars Joke: What’s the internal temperature of a taun-taun?Lukewarm.
My 13 year old son just got out of bed to tell me that he came up with this joke on his own (while reading the Star Wars Encyclopedia. My work as a father is done.)
What's the most stupid animal in the jungle..
A polar bear
I just finished writing a book on penguins.
It probably would've been easier to write it on paper.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are...
But I laugh more
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1 Anna2
Satan arrived to welcome a new damned soul to hell. "Congratulations!" he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!"
"Well," the man replied, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."
I took my date to a Middle Eastern restaurant, but she hated it.
I falafel about it.
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
My friend Jay had triplet daughters, and named them after him.
Their names are Kay, Elle, and Em.
What happens to a mathematician when they're bitten by a werewolf?
They undergo a furrier transform.
I was at a grocery store, approach a middle aged man and said "How old are your kids?"
so he looked confused and said "How do you even know I'm a dad?" so I said "Oh it's really a parent"
New autopsies discover that Albert Einstein died from a blood clot in the brain.
It was a stroke of genius.
To help improve my productivity, I’m learning to sleep like a flamingo.
Then I’ll have a leg up on the competition.
Son: Dad, do you have any regrets in life?Dad: Yeah, I regret I never listened to my mother.
Son: What did she try to tell you?
Dad: I don't know, I never listened.
Looking BackA motorcyclist gave his friend a lift one icy evening. The friend was wearing a two-button jacket, and after a mile or two he asked the rider to stop so he could put the jacket on backward to keep the wind out.
Later that night, they were involved in a crash.
The ambulance report read:
“Two individuals involved in a motorcycle accident. One transported to the hospital with injuries. The second was pronounced dead at the scene after we aligned his head and neck.”
I told my son, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field."He said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means its pasture bedtime."
At dinner, my date leaned in and whispered, “So… are you more of a breast guy, or a thigh guy?”
I’m like, “Neither. Chicken fingers all the way.”
How much does it cost santa to park his sleigh?
Nothing - It's on the house
What do clouds wear under their shorts
Thunder pants
My wife caught me off guard in the shower
I was trying to master bathing
My math teacher is a bad Christian.
He is a siner.
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts!
My job in Zimbabwe is applying a spray to soften the leather straps attached to a horses bit…
I mist the reins down in Africa
top
