A drunk guy wakes up in jail and says "Why am I here officer?""For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
Best joke that I have heard so far, please give your honest opinion on it :3
a duck walks into the bar, and he asks the bartender, "do you have any grapes?" And the bartender replies "no", so the duck leaves.
the next day the duck comes back into the bar and asks again, "do you have any grapes?", so the bartender says "no, this is a bar", and the duck leaves.
so the next day the duck comes back to the bar the next day and asks "do you have any grapes?", and the bartender says "look, you stupid duck, this is a bar.
we sell alcohol. no produce, no fruit, and no grapes. if you come back in here again and ask for grapes, I will nail your little webbed feet to the floor. got it?"
so the duck leaves. the next day the duck comes back into the bar and asks "do you have any nails?" and the bartender says "no," and then the duck says "great, so do you have any grapes?"
A teacher sternly informs her class that no excuse,A teacher sternly informs her class that no excuse, from a papercut to the plague, is acceptable for missing a final exam.
When students suggest scenarios like car issues or roadblock, she tells them to walk or find a detour.
Finally, a student asks what to do in the case of "extreme sexual exhaustion,"?
Which the teacher deadpans, "You'll just have to learn to write with your other hand".
As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself...
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.
How many balls are in a male quartet?
Sixteen. One of them is a tenor.
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
When I die I want my ashes pressed into an LP record
It’s my vinyl request
3024 years from now,
Life will either be really good or really bad, it’s 5050.
You know how the Earth spins on its axis?
That just makes my day.
Stop putting flyers on my carStop putting flyers on my car!
No, I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
what do you call identical boobs?
identitties ( • )( • )
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Where did the soldier go after getting lost in a minefield?
Everywhere.
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
I was told that my jokes stink and so do I.
I suppose that’s why they call me ‘pun-gent’.
Why did Beethoven eat all of his chickens?
When he asked them who's the best composer, they kept saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach..."
Archimedes once said...
Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I still couldn't lift your mom.
Why should you always knock on the fridge door?
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
Life of a Kindergarten teacherDeep in the heart of Texas, a kindergarten teacher was helping one of her students put on his little cowboy boots.
He had asked for help — and she quickly saw why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, those boots just did not want to go on. By the time she finally got the second one on, she was sweating.
Then the boy said,
“Teacher… they’re on the wrong feet.”
She looked down —
And sure enough, they were.
Taking the boots off wasn’t any easier than putting them on, but she kept her cool. Together they got the boots back on the correct feet.
Then he said,
“These aren’t my boots.”
She clenched her jaw and resisted the urge to scream, “Why didn’t you say so earlier?!”
But once again, she helped him pull the tight boots off.
As soon as they were off, he cheerfully added,
“They’re my brother’s boots. My mom made me wear ’em.”
The teacher didn’t know whether to laugh or cry… but somehow, she found the strength to wrestle the boots back on yet again.
Finally done, she helped him into his coat and asked, exhausted,
“Now… where are your mittens?”
The boy replied:
“I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots.”
A joke that always delivers.Anyone who deals with new groups of kids frequently, this one works well.
"I bet I can jump higher than this building!"
"Nuh uh! Prove it!"
Perform a small hop.
They will invariably boo and say that was lame and that you can't jump higher than the building.
At that point ask "Well how high did the building jump?"
Some will groan, some will furrow their brows looking for a way to defeat your logic, but it always gives me a laugh.
I run 30 minutes every day and if I miss a day, I add 30 mins to the next day. It’s been a total game changer.
Tomorrow I’m supposed to run for 3 weeks.
When my son came out as a girl, I told her she could not longer see me.
It's cause I became transparent.
My psychiatrist tells me I'm a kleptomaniac...
I wonder if there's anything I can take for this.
An old farmer was woken up in the middle of the night by a strange noise in his tool shed. He looked out the window and saw three men loading his expensive equipment and tools into a truck.He called the police immediately. "I need help! There are men robbing my shed right now!"
The operator sighed and said, "I'm sorry, sir. All our officers are busy with a major accident on the highway. We won't have anyone available for at least an hour".
The farmer hung up, waited thirty seconds, and called back. "Hello? Don't worry about those officers anymore. I've just shot all three of them." He then hung up.
Less than ten minutes later, three police cars, an ambulance, and a tactical unit swerved into his driveway, surrounding the shed and arresting the robbers.
The sergeant walked up to the farmer and said, "I thought you said you shot them!"
The farmer looked at the sergeant and replied, "I thought you said there were no officers available".
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what they laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
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