A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie...” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh for Pete's sake!" exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
I just turned 40 and I groan every time I get up now
I’m finally a groan man
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...
They become VERY ANGRY.
What does Lionel Ritchie wear when he's home alone?
All nylon.
What do you call a piano made from discarded pianos?
A Frankensteinway!
I went to the local Ice Cream Parlor and the clerk said: “We have a special on sundaes!”…
So I said: “Ok, I’ll come back.”
My son asked why parents count to three
Because two is hope and three is paperwork.
Where do bad rainbows go?To prism.
It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to refract.
I just got put in handcuffs by some army ants
I didn't know there were war ants out for my arrest
I went to a wedding on Saturday, but the groom never showed.
It's hard to believe, but the wedding went off without a hitch.
An old man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’ve got a serious problem. I keep forgetting things!”The doctor says, “How long has this been going on?”
The old man pauses, looks confused, and says,
“How long has what been going on?”
Billie Joe Armstrong had a dog named CologneHe walked Cologne, He walked Cologne!
(Courtesy my 12 year old!)
“Can you take off the corset, I can't breathe!"a woman said to her husband.
Sure, if it will make you stop laughing and tell me how I look in it.”he replied.
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
My wife works at the shoe shop....
She's my soul mate.
Arthur Fonzarelli knows it’s cool to wash your hands after using the restroom.
That’s how he avoids Hepatitis AAAY.
I renamed my iPhone “Titanic.”
It syncs now.
How did the alternate universe Spider Man pass his driver's test?
By being an excellent parallel parker.
A snakes walks into a restaurant...
the waiter asks, hey how did you do that :)
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only 1 but it takes years and the light bulb has to really want to change.
I went to see Wicked this weekend, but I have to say it was a huge disappointment.
There wasn’t a single candle in the entire show.
I changed a light bulb, crossed the street and walked into a bar...
My life is a joke.
Someone handed me a pamphlet with crocodiles ranked from best to worst.
I said “enough with your crocodile tiers!”
I asked my dad to explain what an eclipse was
No sun, he replied.
What did 50 cent do when he was hungry?
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