My dog frequently helps me out when I forget things. This morning while I was in my car he came sprinting down the driveway. I asked “what is it today boy?”
Dog: *pants*
A snail walks into a bar with a girl on his back.The bartender asks: What are you?
Snail: I'm a snail.
Bartender asks: Who's that on your back?
Snail: Michelle.
I've decided I'm going voluntarily mute.
I'm not telling anyone.
What do you call sixty minutes of pain?
An oww-ur
HAPPY INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY!
Sorry, didn't mean to yell
What room will you never find in a zombie's house?
The living room.
What's your opinion of people made entirely out of footlong sandwiches?
I think they're subhuman
I felt very naughty making my pickle flavored bread.
I was squishing my dil-dough all over the table.
Went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole…
He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.
When I worked in the Netherlands I had Eggs Benedict most days for breakfast. Sadly we don’t have it very often back in the UK.
How I miss my Holland days!
I hooked up with an electrician last night. The chemistry was shocking,,,
,,,but she definitely knew how to flip my switch.
I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed
I went to bed 7 times last night
It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses.
A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded. Do you know of any others??
At dinner, my date told me her favorite yoga pose involves balancing on one leg, pressing her palms together above her head, and slowly twisting her body. “It’s called the drill, and believe it or not, I invented it.”
I said, “That’s a bit of a stretch.”
Someone fainted on my flightI was on the plane last night and someone fainted. I heard the stewardess shout
“Is there a doctor on the plane?”
The guys next to me piped up.
“I am a doctor of English”
“Do you know CPR?” She asks
“Ma’am, I know the whole alphabet” the man said proudly
What’s the difference between a pun and a fart?
A pun is a shift of wit…
Which famous pianist’s ghost are you likely to see on Halloween?
Glen Ghoul’d.
I saw 2 blackbirds stuck together today....
They were Velcrows.
Ein 🇩🇪 🇨🇭 🇦🇹 Witz, Wünsch dir was....Ein Deutscher, ein Schweizer und ein Österreicher stehen auf dem Dach eines Wolkenkratzers.
Die Wunschfee erscheint und spricht: „Wenn ihr hier runterspringt, erfülle ich euch im Flug einen Wunsch.“
Der Schweizer nimmt allen Mut zusammen, springt und ruft: „Ein Heuhaufen!“ Er landet weich im Heu und geht unverletzt nach Hause.
Der Deutsche nimmt Anlauf, springt und ruft: „Ein Pool voller Wasser!“ Er landet mit einem perfekten Kopfsprung im Wasser und schwimmt unverletzt an den Rand.
Nun nimmt der Österreicher Anlauf. An der Kante stolpert er, verliert das Gleichgewicht, und schreit im Fallen vor Schreck:
„Aaaaaach, Scheißeeee...!“
I stole someone’s marmalade
I didn’t like it though. It’s just not my jam
My girlfriend punched me in the face while she was on her period
I think she was just ovary acting
My suspicious wife asked how our lawn stays vibrantly green all year while the neighbors’ turn brown every winter. I said, “Well, I could try to convince you that I actually understand soil composition, or how I mastered the watering schedule all while studying mower blade sharpening techniques…”
“…but I dye grass.”
We have got to stop with the smelling twelve donuts joke.
It dozen make scents.
I live on Thebe St
It’s the best
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
He said no.
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