Dad joke from my 15yo sonBackground: My son is half Japanese. His Japanese is much better than his English.
I was making dinner, talking with my boys. My eldest (15yo) opened Disney+ on his phone and started playing Frozen on it. He then grabbed the remote from his brothers, opened Disney+ on the TV and started playing Frozen 2.
He came over to me and said, "Daddy, I wanted to watch a movie on my phone, but it was frozen. So, I tried to watch it on the TV, but it was frozen, too."
I've never been prouder in my life.
Went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole…
…he said they all look like that and I should have left him in the garden.
What do you call a Middle Aged dinosaur with joint problems?
A Mykneesaresaur.
My oldest son is a mountaineer but when he’s home he’s so lazy
When I come back from work I always find Himalayin on the sofa
I went to the doctors with hearing problems…… he said “Can you describe the symptoms?”
I said “Homers a a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair”
Tomorrow I'll do a talk for people who can't achieve orgasm.
Those who can't come, can come.
In which city do India people leave their mother?
Mumbai
What did the brain say to the bladder when it started leaking?
Urine trouble!!!
Professor X asks a young girl: “Whats your superpower?”The girls responds “I can predict exactly how many pulls of a ceiling fan string is needed to turn it off. For example, the one above your head needs 3.”
Professor X gets up and pulls the string 3 times and as she predicted, it turns off.
“Wow, that’s impressive,” Professor X tells her. “But thats not really a superpower.”
“Yeah you’re right,” The girl responds. “I was just kidding. I can actually heal paraplegics”
"Hi, does your dog bite?"No of course not.
"OUCH!! I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOUR DOG DOESN'T BITE!?"
That is not my dog.
Singer.Do you sing in the car?
Yes, but only when I'm going in reverse.
I'm a backup singer.
For the 10th year in a row my co-workers voted me the most secretive guy in the office.
I can't tell you how much this means to me.
Why did the belt get arrested
It held up a pair of pants
What’s the difference between an intense interrogation and a nature walk?
One is badgering a witness, the other is witnessing a badger.
What does Excel and an incel have in common?
Both misinterpret things as a date.
Which animal is the most pessimistic of animals?The horse!
They're always NEIGH-saying!
Today I learned if you turn a canoe over, you can wear it as a hat.
Because it's cap sized.
I have an issue aiming into the toilet
It's my number one problem
I just found out my local bakery burned down
Now their business is toast
Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face maskI asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"
She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
I just started learning to play swing and bebop.
I’m pretty jazzed about it.
I was sitting and eating at a vietnamese resturaunt when suddenly I spilled some food.As I was wiping my leg though, I took a closer look at the food. I called the waiter over to tell him the food was fake.
I pointed at the food on my leg and showed him. It was very obvious when I pointed it out... it was definitely pho knee.
Do you like horseradish?
Yah or neigh?
What plant tells good jokes?
A laffodil
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