Why does Tiger Woods wear two condoms?
In case he gets a hole in one
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar.
Batman follows them in.
To the person who stole my copy of Overcoming Insomnia
How do you sleep at night?
Why did the baby habanero put on a jacket?
It was a little chilli.
Why is Santa so jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live.
Who led the Jewish people across a semi permeable membrane?
Os-Moses.
Heard a great Dad joke at DisneylandSon: Are we going to Tomorrowland today?
Dad: No, we are going tomorrow. It's not called Todayland.
Im about to tell you the 10th and 11th letters of the alphabet.
Jk
What do you call an Asian Dwayne Johnson?
The Wok.
Albert Einstein married his first cousin
Even his marriage was relative
While out for a hike, I was surprised to find a Subaru SUV in the woods
I guess I couldn't see the Forester for the trees
What lives underwater, blows up planets but can't hear anything?
A deaf star fish.
What do you call a martial arts discipline developed by giant apes?
Kong fu
Why don't ghosts tell dad jokes?
They're scared the others ghosts will boo them.
An assassin has recorded an album
It is a hit.
Just found out my friend died from heartburn
Can't believe that Gav is gone
A man and his wife are discussing difficult life situations.The man says, "I never want to live depending on machines and liquid food. If it ever comes to that, I beg you to just switch everything off."
His wife immediately gets up, turns off the TV, the computer, and his phone, and pours his beer down the sink.
[NSFW] What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A Dicktater
A lowering birthrate
is a receding heirline.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that has been sitting on the shelf for a while?
Dusty
Some day, Canada is going to take over the world.
Then you'll all be sorry.
To whoever stole my damaged copy of Braille for Dummies
do you even feel anything on the inside?
The tower in Pisa was fine,
until the bank put a lean on it.
Music.This morning, I was walking down the street and I was hit by a violin, then a clarinet and then a french horn. I think it was an orchestrated attack.
Spouse got me with this one today
We should be at Costco early enough to try the new brunch at the food court. (Paused so I knew a punchline was coming) It's the same as their regular menu items, but you get a brunch of them.
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