The woman who fell from a cruise ship has been named
Eileen Dover
My in-laws stopped over for the weekend. My Father-in-law forgot to pack deodorant, so my wife offers the choice of a deodorant and an antiperspirant, and asks "which one would you like?".. he looks, pauses, and replies " ummm"I chimed in... "give him a minute, he's stinking about it!"
(Of course nobody except my father in law chuckled. :)
My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm.
It would be a lot less weird if she'd just let me in.
You know why you can never hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
My sister placed a bet with me that I couldn’t name a state that starts with an “I” other than Illinois
Now Iowa a lot of money
If life opens a door and it shuts
Open the door again, that’s how a door works
The other day a grandfather clock fell over and landed on my fingers
I had too much time on my hands
Which Vice President was the worst at maintaining the Reflecting Pool?
Al G.
My boss asked me: why I am sick on week days only?
I said it must be my weekend immune system
I'm reading a book about sandpaper.
It's a work of friction.
I love telling Dad jokes
He, on the other hand, thinks my jokes are dumb and repeatedly tells me to stop
Where does T-rex keep its gigantic socks and tiny mittens?
In a d-RAAWWRR
Does anyone else think it's unnecessarily cruelthat the Weight Watchers website asks you to accept cookies?
I mean, that has to be a trap, right?
Just asked my 9-year-old son what he learned in school today.
He said, "apparently not enough because I have to go back tomorrow".
I don’t always roll a joint but when I do
It’s an ankle
My Boss suggested I sign up for a 401k
No way I am running that far
What do you call a T-Rex with arthritis?
Dinosore
The reason Donald Duck has feathers on his butt
Is because it covers his quack.
The Clever Doctor and the Greedy AttorneyA prominent personal injury lawyer was walking down the street when he saw a small clinic with a sign outside: "Get treated for $20. If we can't cure you, you get $100 back."
The lawyer smelled an easy payday and walked inside. He sat down with the doctor and said, "Doctor, it’s terrible. I have completely lost my sense of taste. Everything tastes like cardboard."
The doctor nodded solemnly, turned to his assistant, and said, "Nurse, please bring me the solution from jar number 14. Put three drops on the gentleman's tongue."
The nurse complied. The lawyer immediately spat it out, coughing violently. "Ack! That’s kerosene!" he yelled.
The doctor smiled. "Congratulations, your sense of taste is fully restored. That will be $20, please."
Annoyed at being outsmarted, the lawyer paid and left. A week later, he returned, determined to get his $100. "Doctor," the lawyer said, holding his head. "A terrible bout of amnesia has hit me. I have completely lost my memory."
The doctor stroked his chin. "Mmh, a severe case. Nurse, please bring me the solution from jar number 14—"
"Wait a minute!" the lawyer interrupted. "That's the kerosene you gave me last week!"
The doctor smiled. "Wonderful! Your memory is back. That will be another $20."
Fuming, the lawyer paid and plotted his ultimate revenge. He returned the following day. "Doctor, it’s a tragedy. I have completely lost my vision. I can see absolutely nothing but darkness."
The doctor sighed. "Ah, I am truly sorry, sir. That is beyond my medical capabilities. I cannot cure blindness. Here is your $100 refund." The doctor handed him a bill.
The lawyer looked down at the money, scoffed, and said, "Hold on a second, this is a five-dollar bill!"
The doctor smiled warmly. "Incredible! Your eyesight is perfectly fine. That will be $20, please."
I don’t like pushing on screen doors
I fear I might strain myself
I love making dad jokes but I don't have any kids
I'm a faux pa
I told my 10yo that I was surprised by how much sugar water our bees were taking…
Without missing a beat, she exclaimed “they’d better watch it, or they’ll get dia-bee-tes!”
Inspecting mirrors is a job..
I can really see myself doing
At 14, Courtney Love was my style icon, and I wore my fishnets until they were barely holding together.My dad: Honey, your tights have holes all over them.
Me: Daaaaad, they're fishnets; they're supposed to.
My dad: Not big enough for the fish to swim through!
Hot Stuff
It’s so hot in my garden that even the Garlic has started to take their Cloves off.
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