Catching up with an old friend over dinner, I asked what he’s been up to. He said, “Well, recently I’ve been abroad.”
I said, “Well there’s clearly more work ahead… because you look as manly as ever.”
My parents have fallen behind on the payments for my mum’s hearing aids and she doesn’t even know where she’s put them
They’re in arrears
Was picking up takeout and called my wife.Asked if she wanted to hear the specials.
"Sure"
"This town ahha is coming like a ghost town..."
Link for non-Brits.
Thought I’d share my greatest “dad joke” moments.The first happened when I opened the door to go into the toilets. Just as I opened it, a woman on the other side was coming out and we nearly bumped into each other. She had camouflage-pattern trousers on. I gestured at her trousers and said, “sorry, didn’t see you there!” (She didn’t seem to think I was funny).
The second time I was doing a group mindfulness exercise that involved standing on one foot for a minute. Afterwards, we had to say what was going through our minds. One of the group leaders said that she’d injured her foot the week before and said that she was “trying to remember which foot isn’t right”. So I said, “the left one!”. I actually did get a few chuckles for that one.
Am I allowed to be an honorary dad?
If a doctor is flying a paragliderare they considered a paramedic?
My son just asked me this (proud dad moment)
My ex wife used to hit me with stringed instraments
If only I had known she had a history of violins
I got my covid test back yesterday
It said 50. What does that mean? Also got my iq test back, it said positive
Why do cows have hooves and not feet?
Because they "lactose"
Two ships, one carrying red paint and the other blue paint collided
A search is on the way to find survivors, but both crews are believed to be marooned.
Who would win in a race between a Koala and a Polar Bear? The Polar Bear.
Bearly.
REQUEST: How was the bath?I live in Japan and my family usually has a bath every night. (NOT together, one by one.)
My wife always asks, "How was the bath?"
Looking for some material.
So, I was in my room and I saw a group of 10 ants just running frantically. I felt bad, so I made a small house for them out of a cardboard box. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my...
Tenants
I’m having a really hard time remembering the rivers of France and Egypt…
… I think I’m going Seine Nile
Did you hear that Starbucks is using bears from Australia to monitor their hot drink production?
It’s called Koala Tea Control.
What do you do if you see a Spaceman?
You park your car, man. (I only get groans from this one so don't open with it)
Please use William Shatner in a sentence...
"Becky took Williams toy, so William Shatner lunch pail."
What do you call a sly roundworm with only male siblings?
Tricky no sis.
Wife asks me to change the newborn during the day to give her a break
Why would she be so mean, I wouldn’t change my baby for the world
A pod of Orcas are robbing ships at sea!
This Orcanized Crime must be dealt with!
I got fired from my job for asking customers if the would prefer smoking or non-smoking.
Apparently the proper terms are cremation or burial.
I always suspected that marriage would make me fill out.
I just didn't think it would be in the form of a divorce agreement.
What lives in the Arctic and has two moods?
A bi-polar bear!
Teacher: "Okay, Jimmy, since you've studied the material, use "mitosis" in a sentence.
Jimmy: "Uh, I walked here barefoot through the snow, and mitosis cold."
Purple is my favorite color...
I love it more than red and blue combined.
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