Why was the snowman digging through a basket of carrots?
Because he was picking his nose
New York and Minnesota are opposites. New York is where the Big Apple is and Minnesota is where the...
...Minneapolis
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts.
It's called "leave me the fuh cologne"
Why was the letter E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were naughty
Where do English people shop for groceries?
The British aisles
I quit drinking for good
.
.
.
... now I only drink for evil.
Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie…
Hans down
I cannot stop reading Tolkien, but only the parts with Gollum.
I guess it’s just a bad hobbit.
What is the title to guns and roses christmas album?
Welcome to the Jingle.
What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?
A shoe.
They say that sniffing rosemary will improve your memory. I tried it once.
Then she hit me. I don’t remember much after that.
I started reading a book about the history of glue.
I’m stuck on the first chapter.
I’m afraid of being in a small space with lots of Santas.
I think it’s called Claus-trophobia.
Ariel, why do you wear seashells?
Because B-shells are to small and D-shells are too big.
Scientists presented a box that would prevent chickens from eating seeds
Experts say that the solution is impeckable
I went out for dinner last night and I'm very proud of myself from walking out the bar sober
My wife had to burst my bubble though because it was a salad bar
Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.
What muscle car do they drive in Norway?
The Fijord Mustang.
My teenage daughter was being snarky with me the other day, so I told her "don't get testy with me young lady!"
"No I'm not!" she exclaimed, "I'm a girl! I'm getting ovary with you!"
I made up a new word,
it's called plagiarism.
How do you marry a farm girl?
First a-tractor
Have you heard the one about the guy that got a false leg for Christmas?
It wasn’t his main gift. It was his stocking filler.
Why shouldn't you make broth by yourself?
Because you need a brother.
What's the opposite of irony?
Wrinkly.
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