I heard Celine Dion will be removing all the consonants from her name.It's a gesture in support of declining farmland in her native Quebec, Canada.
[Wait for it.]
How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend to his parents?
Meat Patty.
The model prisonerSeveral years ago, Jim was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all the other inmates.
The warden believed that, deep down, Jim was a decent man. So he arranged for Jim to learn a trade while serving his time.
After about three years, Jim had become one of the best carpenters in the whole county.
Sometimes he was even given a weekend pass to do small jobs for folks around town, and he always returned to the prison by Sunday evening.
Jim was the definition of a model inmate.
One day, the warden decided he wanted to remodel his kitchen, but he didn’t have the skills to build new cabinets and a large countertop.
So he called Jim into his office and asked if he could take on the job.
To the warden’s surprise, Jim immediately refused.
“But you’re an expert, Jim, and I really could use your help,” said the warden.
“Gee, Warden, I’d sure love to help you…
…but counter fitting is what got me in here in the first place.”
What should you say if you accidentally fart during confession?
"Forgive me, father, for I have wind."
My uncle wasn't just a locksmith. He was also a great mentor.
He opened a lot of doors for people
My wife told me I drink too much, so I promised her I wouldn’t drink anymore..
I never said I’d drink any less.
Did you hear someone stole all the wheels off the police cars at the local station?
The cops are working tirelessly to find the thieves.
Whats the difference between a sausage and a space rock that burns up in the atmosphere......
Well a sausage is made out of meat....but the rock is a little...meteor
Why can’t Frog drive with a flat tire?
Because then it would have to be Toad.
We all know where the Big Apple is.But does anyone know where the...
Minneapolis?
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
It’s pasteurize before you even see it.
I was talking with my brother about how much I missed my dog. I said, “Man… it’s been a few years now, and I realized the other day I can’t even remember what his bark sounded like anymore.”
He nodded, put his hand on my shoulder and said, “It’s rough.”
Frank the portrait painterFrank wasn’t much of a student growing up, but he had a real gift for painting portraits.
Within a few years, his reputation spread, and people from all across the country started coming to his little town to have their portraits done.
One afternoon, a glamorous woman pulled up to his house in a long black limousine and asked if he would paint her portrait in the nude.
Frank had never received a request like that before and didn’t quite know what to say, especially when she added that money was no object and she’d happily pay up to ten thousand dollars.
Not wanting to cause trouble at home, Frank asked her to wait outside while he went in to talk things over with his wife, Betty.
They debated it for quite a while, discussing whether it was proper or not.
In the end, Betty finally agreed—but only on one condition.
A few minutes later, Frank returned to the woman.
“My wife says it’s okay,” he told her.
“I’ll be happy to paint your portrait in the nude…”
“But I’ll have to keep my socks on so I’ve got somewhere to wipe my brushes.”
Why did the biscuit cry?
Because his mum had been a wafer so long.
Adele.
Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side.
Why are hallways in psychiatric hospitals called "hallways?"
Shouldn't they be called "psycho paths?"
If your mom is from Mexico, make sure to tell her “Palabra” tomorrow
Thats word to your mother!
This guy at work accused me of using outdated pop culture references.
Whatever… he can eat my shorts.
The fashion designer rejected all my ideas but I respect his expertise
He's very clothes minded
Cats leave genuine items alone on a table.
The rest are just knock-offs to them.
Recently, I’ve stopped drinking for good…
Now I drink for evil.
Why can you never trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot, if interested let me know
I will jump over the neighbors fence and get it for you
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.
Just when you think you know for sure vegetables can’t use phones
Onion rings
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