A man read 12.5% of the Bible.
He's an eightheist.
Actually, it's pronounced "jaslight".
You've been saying it wrong the whole time.
My wife lost her dictionary.
I tried comforting her, but my words seem to have no meaning to her now.
Army.
What do you call an army of babies ?
Infantry.
What do you call a short-sighted dinosaur?
A doyouthinkhesaurus."
Four math professors walk into a barthe barman asks: "do you all want a beer?"
First one says: "I don't know"
Second one says: "I don't know"
Third one says: “i don’t know”
Fourth one says: “yes please”
I’ve been hosting a poker game with oversized playing cards.
It’s kind of a big deal.
A neighborhood pub planned a costume party & the bartender announced they must all come dressed up as their love life. On the night of the party the bartender spotted some old geezer dressed as Abraham Lincoln.He walked over to him and said, “Hey, you were supposed to come dressed up as your love life.
With a shrug and a sly grin the older man replied,” Oh, I have. My four scores were seven years ago."
What did the bra say to the hat?
“You go on ahead, and I will give these two a lift."
The other day, I grew patches of purple flowers with thorns around my garden as defense.
I thought to myself, "Thistle do."
My friends found a large plastic water bottle on their farm. Inside was packed several pieces of paper.The papers were filled with wild claims that my friends stated were dubious at best but I think they should trust the information.
After all, it came from a litre in their field.
Did you hear about the scientists that made the worlds largest suction cup
I dont know how they manage to pull it off
What do you call a sheep wrapped in plastic?
Lambinated…
I finally decided I prefer crows to ravens
It was a close caw.
My wife caught me fooling around with her cosmetics.
It was makeup sex.
Seen a guy standing on one leg at the ATM
I asked him..."What are you doing?"
He replies....."Just checking my balance".
The inventor of vacuum packing has died.
His wife says he leaves a huge void.
What pasta locks you out of your house?
Gnocchi.
If a bee is bothering you, don’t swat it and don’t run away. Just look at it.
Because seeing is bee leaving.
Books I’d like to readSkydiving by Hope Shue-Topins
Rottweiler! By B Wearuv D’Aug
Why was the steak promoted to employee of the month?
Because he always did a well-done job.
I bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday
As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
An armed man robs a bank with 2 CDs glued to his glasses. The cashier hands the man all the money and then says “Got to ask, what’s with the CDs?”
He replies “It’s my disk-eyes”
What's it called when you take a poop in the dark?
A spookie dookie
How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
You will see one later and one in a while.
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