I should never have exposed myself in the elevator.
It was wrong on so many levels.
What kind of doctor was Dr Pepper?
He was a Fizzician.
Doctor: “Do you want the good news or the bad news?” Me: “Good news.”
Doctor: “You’ll be able to park wherever you want.”
A bloke down the pub told me his mate Jack was the inventor of hot tubs.
I said “Jack, who’s he
I asked my wife is she wanted to go out to dinner tomorrow and she said yes.
I'm pretty excited to have the apartment to myself for the evening
I got my mom a massive jar of Jelly Belly's for Mother's Day. It was going to be a surprise.
But someone spilled the beans.
I heard Celine Dion will be removing all the consonants from her name.It's a gesture in support of declining farmland in her native Quebec, Canada.
[Wait for it.]
I tried to learn the alphabet on a cruise and it went horribly wrong.
I'm lost at C.
Mother's Day has the lowest crime rate of any other day of the year
I think this shows just how many moms are out there committing crimes that can't that day
why does no one know this joke??? “did you fall in”
im 21f and i say this for EVERYTHING. I know the joke originated from someone taking too long in the bathroom but I evolved it to when someone took too long coming from anywhere, but literally NO ONE knows what im talking about even when I go back and explain the toilet part of it they still never heard of it. If you know what this is give me your age range this could be bc i have older siblings but i really thought it was a commonly used joke!
I admit it, I have a small butt.
It's a real assette.
What do you call a naked, 4’10” mother?
A bare minimum
I lost 150 pounds in 30 seconds
It's not weight loss, I got pick-pocketed in england
Someone hit me with a tuning fork
It really hertz
Back in my day, you used to be able to get air for free at the gas station, but now it's $1.
That's inflation for you.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying, “Wow, ceiling.”
What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?
Ian
Why wasn’t the devil afraid of balding?
Because there will be hell toupee
I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia.
She whispered, “They’re right behind you…”
To be frank
I’d have to change my name
What's a fat dads favorite construction vehicle?
A fork lift
If you are a big soccer fan no way you would pass on it. A surgeon I work for has 2 VIP tickets to 2026 FIFA World Cup at MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey on July 19, includes a ride to and from the airport, VIP box seats and a pass to the winners locker room after the game.What he didn't realize when he bought them in January was that it's on the same day as his wedding.
If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at St. Paul's Church at 3 p.m.
Her name is Ashley. She's 5'4", about 115 pounds, a good cook, loves to fish and hunt and will clean your truck.
She'll be the one in the white dress. 💍
What do you get when you cross goat dna with human dna?
Kicked out of the zoo
My wife asked where I was taking her for Mother's Day...
Apparently "from behind" was the wrong answer.
How much milk can kittens drink?
A litter
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