I have always preferred the British spelling for "diarrhea".
"Diarrhoea" really looks like you've lost control of your vowels.
I'm happy to announce I have opened a new paternity testing facility in Indiana
It's called Hoosier daddy
"I ran a half marathon"
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
I am getting stronger with old age
I can now lift $100 of groceries with one hand
I remember when I read the dictionary as a kid.
It was a defining moment in my childhood.
Man: There’s no more spots left on the archery team
Me: maybe you can pull some strings?
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle.
Attire
I told my boss there was a hole in the women's bathroom door
He said, "I'm going to look into that right away!"
Knock Knock. Who’s there…Grandma..
Wait wait .. stop the funeral
A broken legI was a carpenter, working late on a jobsite once. The boss was letting me get some overtime - we had an inspection scheduled for the next morning. Somehow I slipped off the ladder and hit the floor twelve feet below.
I landed with my leg bent back, obviously broken. I lay between the lumber pile and the wall with no way to crawl out. The pain was excruciating. Cell phones were lawyers' toys back then.
The boss usually came in at 7:00 AM. Waiting until then? Endless. There was one other hope, a plumber named Donald who liked to come in early, right when it got light. Big Donald, we called him. He probably weighed three hundred pounds, a stereotypical plumber whose pants were usually so low you wondered how they stayed up.
Darkness dragged on. I tried not to count on Donald showing up. There was a chance, but if he didn't I'd be waiting another two hours. Relief! I heard Donald's truck pull in just as the darkness shifted to gray.
He walked past me. I tried to say his name but could hardly speak. I tried again, louder this time. He stopped, his back to me, and looked around. Once more, then he turned around and saw me.
Never before or since have I felt as relieved to see the crack of Don.
A lot of people don’t understand how the US Mint works.
It actually makes a lot of cents though.
This girl texted she didn’t want to go out with me because I had boomer vibes and my phone was ancient.So I got my phone out and replied “
666550822553302222777330666669” Ok take care now.
My wife said she spent all day making jelly. I asked her what the hardest part was. She leaned over and shouted the answer into my ear.
It was jarring.
In England it's called a lift, but in America it's called an elevator.
I guess people are just raised differently.
Why did the fireman retire?
He was burned out.
Benign molesCaptain Hook, a pirate (ICYDK), went to a dermatologist to examine suspicious moles on his neck.
"They're benign", the doctor assured the Captain.
“Argh,” said Hook. “Check again doc. I counted there be ten!”
yeah
A naked man broke into a church.
The police chased him around and eventually caught him by the organ.
I asked my friend to tell a dad joke
He told me he was an orphan
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Have you heard of the disc jockey who kept playing the same songs again and again?
DJ Vu
What do you call a magic dog?
A Labracadabrador.
People are shocked when they realise......
.......that I'm not a qualified electrician.
Scientists have figured out there's a special part of the brain that helps us figure out what types of sandwiches we like.
It's called your sub-conscious...
What kind of pants does Super Mario wear?
Denim Denim Denim
My wife asked why I had come to bed covered head to toe in numbers.I explained, “Well, me and the kids were just doing their math homework…
You did tell them they could always count on me.”
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