A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?"
The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"
When i went out of town recently, i paid extra for a larger, nicer room at the hotel. When I entered the room, there were yams everywhere. I went down to the front to ask why there were yams in my room, and the girl at the front desk said “Those aren’t yams…
…they’re suite potatoes!”
The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart
The fact that her boobs block the view is not our fault
I had an apple and an orange for breakfast this morning.
The apple was way better. No comparison.
Do you know which is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
I ate a kids meal in McDonald’s this morning.
His mother was furious.
People of Dubai don’t like the Flintstones.
But the people of Abu Dhabi do.
Did you hear about the proctologist whose girlfriend cheated on him?
It totally rectum.
What do you call a cop who's bad at fishing?
An Off fisher
Last Christmas, my girlfriend got really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends.
I still don’t know why, she said she wanted an ex box.
What kind of fowl likes to count?
A Mathemachicken!
A Tesla Driver was arrested for Electricity Theft
He pleaded guilty as charged.
My autobiography isn't selling very well.
Story of my life!
My boss said, “Hey, do you mind putting the office Christmas decorations up yourself this year?”
I said, “But then no one will see them!”
Why did Papa Roach stop going to beachy vacations?
It was his last resort.
On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?”
He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”
A doe walks out of the woods and says
that's the last time I do that for two bucks
What did the turkey say to the gravy?
You’re simply the baste.
Every spring I tell my best one-liner.
It’s a May zing.
I told my wife that if I ever owned a sailboat, I would name it Ccccccc.
That way, I can sail the seven C's.
I have no idea how to tell any type of mushrooms apart
They are fungi-ble to me.
Have you heard about the young cats that liked to pull pranks
The were always kitten around
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an iceberg.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it got mugged.
The way to a man's heart.
The way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open and use a spreader.( a nurse told me that,lol.)
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