I just found a 95 year old painting in my attic.
I told him to leave immediately.
What's the difference between an Indian & African elephant?
For starters, one's an elephant...
A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and crashes it.At his trial, he's found guilty and sentenced to death. For his last meal, he asks for a single banana. The next day, he's strapped to the electric chair. They pull the switch but nothing happens. By law, he walks free. Within a week, he hijacks another train and crashes it. Again, he's sentenced t
death. Again, he asks for a banana.
Again, nothing happens. He's released.
The third time, they refuse his banana request.
"Oh no you don't, you son of a b we know your little banana trick!" They serve steak instead.
The next morning, they strap him in, flip the switch... nothing happens.
"Did you give him the banana?" the guard yells.
"No, sir!"
Turns out, the banana had nothing to do with it.
He was just a really bad conductor.
I sent flowers to a friend who was opening a new office. They were delivered with a card saying, "Rest in Peace." Incensed, I called the florist to complain, and they replied, "It could be worse. Just think...
Today someone was buried beneath a floral arrangement with a card saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
If your child asks you to spell part backwards
Don’t it’s a trap.
I take my cow for walks in the local vineyard.
I herd it through the grapevines.
The other day I spotted an Albino Dalmation
It was the least I could do for it.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
It's not difficult to roast beef
Some of my cows told me that another one of my cows was pregnant. When I asked her about it she asked me how I knew.
I told her I heard it through the bovine
What’s the difference between Donald Duck and Donald Trump?
Ones just a duck. And the other one’s a lame duck!
What’s the difference between Walt Disney and Bing Crosby?Bing sings.
Walt Disney
We were taking a candlelit bubble bath when my wife said, “No offense, but this feels awkward.” I said, “Well… I guess I could tell dad jokes.” She rolled her eyes and sighed, “Ugh, fine.”
I turned to my dad and said, “OK, so two guys walk into a bar…”
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle
What's a vampires favorite fruit?
Necktarine
I read instructions on how to build a staircase.
There's a lot of steps.
Why does every lemur drive an EV?
Because they are mad at gas cars
Sign in a sporting goods store.
Now is the winter of our discount tents.
At dinner, my date was telling me about her fascination with prophecy, clairvoyance, and other mystical things. I said, “Believe it or not, I personally can read tea leaves.” Her eyes lit up. “Really?! You have to show me!”
So I pulled a tiny scroll from my pocket, carefully unrolled it, and read aloud, “Tea… leaves.”
I tried to make my password "myunderwear"
Then I was informed that passwords must be changed regularly
How does an Englishman invite a dinosaur over for dinner?
“Tea, Rex?”
I already know I'm the smartest man in the room 🧐
Because I'm sitting alone in my office. 😔
'My neighbor got a concussion the other day.
He doesn't live very far from me, only about a stone throw away.'
I called the Mayo Clinic to try to get an appointment
Unfortunately they couldn't see me until mayo June
Why was jesus banned from entering a hospital?
Cross contamination.
Coffee SnackAfter work I went to grab a coffee & arriving I see, a young mum breastfeeding her son. I was immediately disgusted & just had to complain to the staff.
I approach the counter & gesture in her direction & say to the barista "How can that be allowed?" He looks over, confused. "I'm not allowed to bring my own food in here, but he can just because he's a baby?"
I got a free coffee!
I was wearing it but still.
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