If a one-L lama is a holy man, and a two-L llama is an animal, what’s a three-L lllama?
Turns out, it’s a big fire in Boston.
People are like onions...
If you chop them up into tiny pieces, everyone nearby starts crying.
I was at the airport and noticed the singer from Jane's Addiction out of the corner of my eye
I saw him with my Perry Farrell vision
My daughter woke me up at 11:00 PM last night. Daddy she whispered guess how old I’ll be next month
I don’t know I whispered. How old? She smiled and held up 4 fingers. It’s 7:39 am now. My wife and I have been up with her all night. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
Air used to be free at the gas station. Now it’s $1.00. Want to know why?
Inflation
Why shouldn’t you eat a clock?
Because it’s very time-consuming.
My gf is a doctor who is constantly being asked to come in to deal with cancer patients
She's in oncallogy
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
Then I decided to grow a pear.
My friend told me about his new invention: A thought controlled air freshener. I said, "I just don't see how you're gonna market that."
He said, "Well...it makes scents if you think about it."
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.
The doctor says it's terminal.
My lifelong dream was to have beautiful girls screaming my name
But to be honest, hearing "Dad!" all day is starting to get old.
Before he became a famous actor, Arnold Schwarzenegger was fired from his job at Home Depot. Every time a customer asked for help finding something, it didn’t matter where that item was actually located, he always had the same response.
He’d point toward the rear of the store and say, “Aisle B. Back.”
A friend asked how I feel about spinning in circles and blowing air.
I said I’m not a fan…
My wife gave me the worst disrespect this morningNormally, she rolls her eyes or groans when I make jokes. Par for the course.
But this morning, she's watching Tiktok, the dude in the video said: "my friend Tony told me to never say his name backwards, I said, 'why not?'" and she bursts out laughing.
I get no respect.
The Chinese man who invented the camera lens passed away this morning.
R.i.p Zoo Min.
Why did the fisherman cross the sea?
Just for the halibut
I keep saying things like 'heavens to betsy' and 'you'll get more flies with honey than vinegar '.
I have to finally admit that old adage is setting in.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
It's like my mom always told me...
"You might not be the dumbest guy in the world, but you better hope he doesn't die."
What do you call a pharmacy above the top floor?
A drug attic
I drove ahead of a slow car whose driver honked at me
It was a blast from the passed
What did Ivan Drago say when he found out his wife wanted to change her hair color?
If she dyes, she dyes
My friends all tell me I’m really bad at subtraction.
I don’t know what to take away from those comments.
Not all math puns are funny…
…just sum! 🤣
I accidentally ate my trumpet
I can't stop tooting
top
