Rofkar Computer Sciences

The doctor asked me on scale of 1-10, what my arthritic pain level was. I told him Pi.
He asked, "Pi?"

I said, "yes, my pain is a little greater than a 3, and it's continously shifting slightly, but never ending."

[True story, the doctor laughed.]

If Marshall Mathers was ever knighted...
Could you call him "His Emineminence?"

Was happy with my timing
Two weekends ago I was driving my family and dogs to a park for a walk and was following a pickup truck towing a decent-sized enclosed livestock trailer. He out accelerated me twice after two red lights and I said "this guy is just wasting gas" and then we stopped at a third red light and he really ripped out of there.

Then my dad senses hit me and I said "shit, well then I guess that trailer must have just been full of donkeys"....and they didn't say anything for a second, and then said "um....why?"

And I said "Because they're really hauling ass!!".

I know it isn't original, but the timing and their genuine pause and confusion because they didn't get it at first was just perfect for me as a silly dad.

What do you call a woman that lights all her bills on fire?
Bernadette

What do you call an alligator that uses GPS?
A navigator!

Why do you have to salute commonly known facts?
Because it’s General Knowledge

Did you hear the Jolly Green Giant was fired?
He got canned.

A drunk guy wakes up in jail and says "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

Stop putting flyers on my car
Stop putting flyers on my car!

No, I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."

I used to think South America had only hot weather.
But it turns out, parts of it are Chile.

What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.

Overheard my kids arguing
9 year old: You’re adorable

6 year old: No I’m not!

9: Yes you are! You’re adorable, period!

6: I’m not and my name’s not period!

Best joke that I have heard so far, please give your honest opinion on it :3
a duck walks into the bar, and he asks the bartender, "do you have any grapes?" And the bartender replies "no", so the duck leaves.
the next day the duck comes back into the bar and asks again, "do you have any grapes?", so the bartender says "no, this is a bar", and the duck leaves.
so the next day the duck comes back to the bar the next day and asks "do you have any grapes?", and the bartender says "look, you stupid duck, this is a bar.
we sell alcohol. no produce, no fruit, and no grapes. if you come back in here again and ask for grapes, I will nail your little webbed feet to the floor. got it?"
so the duck leaves. the next day the duck comes back into the bar and asks "do you have any nails?" and the bartender says "no," and then the duck says "great, so do you have any grapes?"

3024 years from now,
Life will either be really good or really bad, it’s 5050.

A teacher sternly informs her class that no excuse,
A teacher sternly informs her class that no excuse, from a papercut to the plague, is acceptable for missing a final exam.

When students suggest scenarios like car issues or roadblock, she tells them to walk or find a detour.

Finally, a student asks what to do in the case of "extreme sexual exhaustion,"?

Which the teacher deadpans, "You'll just have to learn to write with your other hand".

i found a button in my salad
i complained to the waiter and he said:

"don't worry, it's part of the dressing"

As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself...
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

Did you here about the magic tractor.
It turned into a field.

My friends told me I'm one third special, one third okay, and one third asian.
I'm a special okay-sian.

My psychiatrist tells me I'm a kleptomaniac...
I wonder if there's anything I can take for this.

Trilogy.
These riddles are a trilogy, and everyone's heard of the first one: Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Now then, HOW did the chicken cross the road? By using the crosswalk, c'mon, every kindergartener learns that. Ok, last one. How did TWO chickens cross the road? By holding hens.

My new car came without a dashboard. I noticed just before the dealership closed.
I made a dash for it.

I don't know why people applaud me so much when I say that I made six figures last year.
It's the easiest part of a Lego set.

Dad's, today I hit my bench press goal
That's a huge weight lifted off my chest!

Archimedes once said...
Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I still couldn't lift your mom.