My neighbour named his dog '5 miles' so he could tell people he walked 5 miles every day.
Well today I ran over 5 miles...
Dad: "Name a country without the letter R in it."
Son: "No way!"
a physicist froze himself at -273.15 °C. everyone said he was crazy but..
he was 0K.
I was at a coffee shop in Italy, and asked the waiter what it’s called when they pour espresso over ice cream
He couldn’t remember.
Just had the best sex of my life, with a nun
Holy fuck!
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles
Who the hell runs 8 miles in 2 minutes
Did you hear about the cowboy who adopted a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.
Teacher: “Can you make a sentence using the word ‘initiate’?”
Student: “My mom ate two hamburgers, initiate a bag of potato chips.”
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four they’d be chicken sedans
While walking around in Paris, I saw this magnificent steel structure. I kept looking up at it instead of the ground so I tripped and took a tumble.
when people asked, I just tell them "I got hurt by the I fall tower"
Not many people know this, but Shakespeare's Othello was an ordained minister who performed weddings.
Like I always say: The Moor, the marrier.
When a woman says she'll be ready in five minutes, she will be.
No need to remind her every 15 minutes.
What do you call a paper airplane that can’t fly?
Stationary!
My wife said, “It’s impossible to get anywhere arguing with you because you’re such a contrarian!”
I said, “That’s not true!!”
Just got a new job making plastic Draculas
There are only two of us on the assembly line, so I have to make every second Count.
I saw a joke the other day about the number 404
But for some reason, It can't be found anymore.
My wife thought it was sweet when I said "Nothing comes between U and I"
But I was just talking about my keyboard.
Knee stiffness
After my wife and I got in bed last night, I told her that my knee was stiff and asked her if she could rub it. She asked which knee, I said my wee knee.
What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
You can't hear a vitamin.
Worst solar eclipse ever.
One star.
Why doesn't Trump think the Epstein files are a big deal?
It's a minor problem.
Honey... Why is there a strange baby in the crib?
Because you told me to change the baby...
How do you make a water bed bouncier?
Use spring water
The most passionate people about their jobs are shoe makers
They put their sole into everything they make
What do you call a rooster caught in a lightning storm?
Fried chicken
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