A farmer asked his horse if it had stolen his thesaurus...
The horse said, "no."
Watch out for the Asexuals
you won’t see them coming.
I met my future wife in the glue factory where we both worked.
We bonded immediately.
Einstein came up with a theory about space.
And it was about time, too.
Win today
I have 2 stepdaughters and a biological son with my wife. Today I won a silly event at a show dinner in front of my kids. It was so stupid (bucket brigade) but it was in front of them. My son and youngest stepdaughter were so proud to see daddy win. It was a really cool feeling with them especially my son. Something I’m still riding high on. I don’t really have anyone to share this with so figured I would here. My son hasn’t stopped talking about watching daddy win and I’m a very happy man.
What did the blacksmith do after he farted?
Smelt it
What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away?
A receding hare line.
Why should you never take the stairs in a library?
Way too many stories!
I’m looking forward to watching the World Origami Championship.
It’s on paper view
Blond skipping home from school
Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
“Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, It's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, It's because you're blonde."
The next day Jenny came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24.”
What has more lives than a cat? A frog, they croak every day.
The executioner explained my hanging to me in great detail.
I said, “Thanks for keeping me in the loop.”
I took the shell off my racing snail to make him go faster
Unfortunately it just made him more sluggish
A trip to a Chinese restaurantAn older couple went out for dinner at their favorite Chinese restaurant.
They decided to try something new on the menu called Chicken Surprise.
A few minutes later, the waiter brought their meal — a covered cast iron pot.
Just as the wife was about to serve herself, the lid popped up a little… and she saw two tiny eyes peeking out! Then the lid dropped back down.
“Harold, did you see that?!” she whispered.
Harold hadn’t, so she told him to look. He lifted the lid — and sure enough, two little eyes peered up at him before the lid slammed shut again.
Totally baffled, he called the waiter over. “Excuse me, but something’s alive in here!”
The waiter nodded politely and said,
“Ah, so sorry, sir. You ordered Chicken Surprise?”
“Yes,” Harold said nervously.
“Ah,” said the waiter, bowing slightly. “My mistake. That’s our Peking Duck!”
October is Dyslexic Awareness Month.
I always thought that was Amy.
What sound does a French narcissist make when they blow you a kiss?
“Moi~ ;)”
I'm homeless and always traveling around trying to find a new place to settle, but it doesn't make me angry.
I'm a no-mad.
Jokes about dwarves are really easy to remember.
Because they're short.
I think I'm addicted to seaweed, what should I do?
Sea kelp
Abraham Lincoln once said...
"Don't believe everything you read on the internet."
My wife is completely fed up with my constant animal impressions...
Yesterday, she sat me down and said, "If you don't stop acting like a flamingo right this second, I am packing my bags and filing for a divorce!"It was a tough moment, and I knew our marriage was on the line. So, I had to put my foot down.
What do you call a spider with 10 eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider
What do you call a school for future criminals?
High-st school
What do you call a British boy band that steals everything when they go on tour?
Take That.
Researchers found a reduced number of charged particles in our atmosphere.
While not a problem yet, it’s worth keeping an ion.
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