Rofkar Computer Sciences

Sent this to my kids. Me: Knock knock
You. Who’s there?

Me. Hike

You. Hike who?

Me: Unsuspecting kids

Dad waiting with bated breath

Sets the perfect trap

IKEA Murder
My teenager had to write up a description of a crime scene for a forensics class. I suggested a crime scene inside an IKEA, where a jerk manager was bludgeoned by an employee, using a vase or something that has a vaguely Swedish name.

My middle-schooler: Ah, yes. The Månkïllå.

Asked my wife to set up her dumbest single friend, Gina, to go on a date with my dumbest single friend Ralf.
Asked my wife to set up her dumbest single friend, Gina, to go on a date with my dumbest single friend Ralf. Gina shows up and Ralf says I like your blonde hair, is that natural. Gina replied: No, I wore this wig for our blonde date....how did you know? Ralph takes off his dark glasses and folds up his guide cane and says, oh, sorry, I thought it was a blind date.

A friend of mine makes Moebius strips for living.
It is a strange way to make ends meet.

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun, but it took me a long time to find one that woodwork.
I think I nailed it!

I have to brag
I was at an art festival with my girlfriend this weekend. At a jewelry booth a woman walked up and asked if they had a claddagh. (Irish love ring.) The booth owner asked, "What's a claddagh?" Before anyone could respond I immediately said "What's a claddagh with you?"

My girlfriend laughed. I was so happy.

My lifelong dream was to have beautiful girls screaming my name
But to be honest, hearing "Dad!" all day is starting to get old.

I have a major problem with Indian bread
My wife said it's a naan-issue, but I better curry up and figure it out.

What do you call a lycanthrope who sells reusable containers?
A Tupperwerewolf.

Why did the two vowels get married?
Because iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Will always love uuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! Wooooooooo! Will always love UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! ( Whitney Houston version)

What do you call a constipated condiment?
Mustard

If a one-L lama is a holy man, and a two-L llama is an animal, what’s a three-L lllama?
Turns out, it’s a big fire in Boston.

I asked a street artist to draw me next to the most obnoxious person he could think of.
When he handed it to me, I was beside myself.

POTUS.
Who were the greenest Presidents in US history?

The bushes.

Just came up with this one
Ouch i accidentally broke a tooth. I need it fixed.
I need acci-dental insurance
Ik it’s lame but aren’t they all?

I was late for my cosmetology exam
Had to take a make-up test.

What do you call a milk based coffee test article?
A mochup

As a fat person, I’m on the moral high ground roughly 90% of the time.
Because I’m usually the bigger person. 🥁

What did the cannibal do after dumping his gf?
Clean his ass.

What do you call a robbery where the robbers left no stains or fingerprints?
Stainless steal

I see, said the blind carpenter,
as he picked up his lumber and saw.

What did the snowman have for breakfast?
Ice Crispies.

What's the Pope's favorite scent?
Pope-pourri

My kid came up crying at the beach, holding his tiny sand bucket next to his older sister’s huge one. “It’s not fair!!” I looked at the two and said, “Wow…”
“It’s pails in comparison.”

Someone tried to tell me a joke about Michael Jackson songs…
And I told them to Beat It.