Scientists have recently noticed that crows are not making as much noise.
Researchers are busy looking for the cause.
Today I turned 32 but I only celebrated for 30 seconds.
After all it's my thirty-second birthday!
I told my therapist “I think I’m addicted to Instagram.”
She said, “I’m sorry. I don’t think I’m following you.”
What is the most dangerous kind of canoe?A volcanoe
[I'm looking for more puns like this where its a word in word pun/joke. It doesn't have to be a canoe joke. ]
BadjokeMy son is helping me troubleshoot some Python code not working on my PC.
So we figured we better reload the software and I noticed that it's downloading Python ver 3.14.
"Oh version 3.14... guess maybe they should have called it *Pi-thon*" I said.
"Guess what -- they did!"
"No, I meant "P", "I" "thon"
you know, cuz it's ver 3.14"
Big sigh.
(I like to think it's because he's not a dad yet, but it's really just because its terrible)
I guess I *code* have done better for sure.
Hopefully my son learned from this. No matter how crappy a dadjoke is, its our duty to be persistent and capitalize on every opportunity.
Did you know trees poop in the woods?
Yup, it's how we get Number 2 pencils...
Three pregnant women are in the waiting room waiting for their first ultrasound...Brunette: "I know I'm going to have a boy, because my husband was on top."
Redhead: "I know it's gonna be a girl 'cause I was on top."
Blonde: "Oh no, I'm having puppies..."
I have no idea how dishwasher tablets work
I’ve already taken 5 of them and I don’t feel like doing the dishes
Twice a week
Twice a week a guy shows up a border crossing on a motorcycle with a sand bag in each saddle bag. Dogs dont hit on it, inspections never find anything. Still twice a week this dude shows up at the crossing. Finally a border agent says to him " Listen man we all know you must be smuggling something just none of us can figure it out. Todays my last day before retirement and I have to know. I won't say anything to anyone but my curiosity is killing me. What on earth are you smuggling? Guy leans in and says "Motorcycles "
How beautiful was Mount Rushmore before it was sculpted?
Its beauty was unpresidented.
How long can you live without drinking water?
Your entire life.
It’s another hot day, so i’ve walked upstairs, taken all my clothes off and opened every window...
I feel so much better, although the other people on the double decker bus don't seem so pleased!
What's a feminists favourite fruit to throw at a sexist man?
A mango
Have you seen the new sequel to "James and the Giant Peach" with a soundtrack by Bon Jovi
It's called "Livin' on a Pear"
People told me to do what I love and the money will follow.
Four kids later, I’m still waiting on the money.
I was going to try starting an all-almond diet
But I realized that's just nuts
I'd like to think I'm the bad boy type but I'm not a felon.
You could say I'm a mistermeanor.
Why did the wizard kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
Did you hear about the gardener that went crazy?
She was hearing voices in her shed.
Lost my job as a masseuse today
Manager said I rubbed people the wrong way
What do you get for winning the not-moving-at-all championship?
Atrophy.
Married LifeAfter a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room it wasn't there.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is, the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.
Immediately I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, car number and description of the place where I parked etc. I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband!!!
"Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I manage to convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car."
I married my wife for her looks
But not the ones I have been getting lately
a woman has three triplets- Tim, Tom and Tatafterwards she goes to breastfeed them and realises Tim and Tom are on a tit each
but there's no tit for Tat!
Chicken Pot Pie
My 3 favorite things
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