My frustrated wife said the store was completely sold out of tampons. So I went to the back, spoke with the staff, and came out with a new box. She said, “How in the world did you manage to get those?”
“I pulled a few strings.”
I got a job in a thermometer factory
Unfortunately, it's just temp work
How do you get down from a moose?
You don’t. You get down from a goose.
My friend has been engaged over 5 times but never married.
That’s a lot of near Mrs.
Did you know that seaweed doesn't have male and female genders, like most other plants?
They're a part of the algaeBTQ.
The elevator in my office building makes supicious noises. I’m pretty sure its part of a conspiracy
It goes all the way to the top
I was so broke one time I actually pick pocketed a midget. . .
Who knew I could stoop so low. . .
I only just found out Einstein was a real person
Everyone always called him a theoretical physicist
Hey Siri, why am I so bad with women?
"I'm Alexa you idiot."
How do you cook a wild chicken?!?
On a free range!
I was supposed to draw a male cow, but I drew it as a female instead.
I made a Miss Steak.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Doyouthinkhe-saurus
How do birds learn to fly
They just wing it
My dad married a chicken.
She's not my real mom, so I call her Stephen.
If Natalie Portman dated Zachary Quinto…
Their celebrity couple name would be Portmanto.
I was walking past a farm with a sign saying "Duck, Eggs"....
I thought the comma was unnecessary, and then it hit me.
What did the buzzard bring on the airplane? ✈️
Carrion luggage.
I used to be so indecisive
Now I am not so sure
What do vegetables say in church?
“Lettuce pray!”
how do you tell the difference between an oral thermometer, and an anal thermometer?
The taste!
Why did the sushi chef sound bad?
He was out of tuna
what happens when someone slaps you at high frequency?
it Hertz
I tried to make a belt out of herb.
It was a waist of thyme.
New research has shown the Twelve Apostle were itinerant weightliftersThey all followed the whey
(OC by me)
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