I tried to come up with a carpentry pun, but it took me a long time to find one that woodwork.
I think I nailed it!
If a one-L lama is a holy man, and a two-L llama is an animal, what’s a three-L lllama?
Turns out, it’s a big fire in Boston.
My lifelong dream was to have beautiful girls screaming my name
But to be honest, hearing "Dad!" all day is starting to get old.
What do you call a lycanthrope who sells reusable containers?
A Tupperwerewolf.
What do you call a robbery where the robbers left no stains or fingerprints?
Stainless steal
My kid came up crying at the beach, holding his tiny sand bucket next to his older sister’s huge one. “It’s not fair!!” I looked at the two and said, “Wow…”
“It’s pails in comparison.”
People are like onions...
If you chop them up into tiny pieces, everyone nearby starts crying.
Someone tried to tell me a joke about Michael Jackson songs…
And I told them to Beat It.
I was at the airport and noticed the singer from Jane's Addiction out of the corner of my eye
I saw him with my Perry Farrell vision
My gf is a doctor who is constantly being asked to come in to deal with cancer patients
She's in oncallogy
Freddie Mercury was in the china shopHe dropped one plate and then another. He picked up a third.
Before he could throw it to the floor the shopkeeper asked him what he was doing.
'I want to break three.'
Why shouldn’t you eat a clock?
Because it’s very time-consuming.
My friend told me about his new invention: A thought controlled air freshener. I said, "I just don't see how you're gonna market that."
He said, "Well...it makes scents if you think about it."
My daughter woke me up at 11:00 PM last night. Daddy she whispered guess how old I’ll be next month
I don’t know I whispered. How old? She smiled and held up 4 fingers. It’s 7:39 am now. My wife and I have been up with her all night. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
Air used to be free at the gas station. Now it’s $1.00. Want to know why?
Inflation
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
Then I decided to grow a pear.
When I go to class, all the girls there stare at me for the whole lesson
Could it be because I'm the teacher?
What did Dracula tell the waiter?
I don't like stake.
My last name's case and I always wanted a daughter
I have the list of names for my girl child and another name as "Justin" ... justincase if it's a boy.
A play on words
My wife asked if would stop pretending to be Napoleon Bonaparte. I said, "of course I can."
Everyday at work all I think about is big game hunting, but I finally got the help I needed...
I joined elkaholics anonymous.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.
The doctor says it's terminal.
You know they’re making a movie about Shakespeare’s ancestors, set in the 5th century
It’s a prequill
A friend asked how I feel about spinning in circles and blowing air.
I said I’m not a fan…
Before he became a famous actor, Arnold Schwarzenegger was fired from his job at Home Depot. Every time a customer asked for help finding something, it didn’t matter where that item was actually located, he always had the same response.
He’d point toward the rear of the store and say, “Aisle B. Back.”
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