New York and Minnesota are opposites. New York is where the Big Apple is and Minnesota is where the...
...Minneapolis
Why was the letter E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were naughty
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts.
It's called "leave me the fuh cologne"
They say that sniffing rosemary will improve your memory. I tried it once.
Then she hit me. I don’t remember much after that.
Where do English people shop for groceries?
The British aisles
Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.
I went out for dinner last night and I'm very proud of myself from walking out the bar sober
My wife had to burst my bubble though because it was a salad bar
What muscle car do they drive in Norway?
The Fijord Mustang.
My teenage daughter was being snarky with me the other day, so I told her "don't get testy with me young lady!"
"No I'm not!" she exclaimed, "I'm a girl! I'm getting ovary with you!"
I’m afraid of being in a small space with lots of Santas.
I think it’s called Claus-trophobia.
How do you marry a farm girl?
First a-tractor
I made up a new word,
it's called plagiarism.
Mary gave birth to Jesus. And Jesus was a Lamb of God..
So does that mean Mary had a little lamb...
My son came home from winter break and I told him it felt like an entury since I’d seen him. He goes, "What the heck does entury mean?"
I said, "Long time, no C."
Have you heard the one about the guy that got a false leg for Christmas?
It wasn’t his main gift. It was his stocking filler.
Why shouldn't you make broth by yourself?
Because you need a brother.
I tried to organize an orgy in rural Pennsylvania.
It was a swing and a-mish.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
In a lineup of Men all assigned a letter of the alphabet, how many women are there?
Just one. Man D.
Did you know that Bruce Lee was father to two children?
A parent Lee, he was.
3025 years from now life on Earth will be either really good or really bad...
It'll be 5050
A man walked into a fish n chip shop....... with a salmon under his arm. He asked the server if they were able to make fish cakes.
"We certainly can" replied the young lady.
"Fantastic!" said the man. "It's his birthday!"
What did the full glass say to the empty glass?
“You’re drunk.”
I was trying to think of a bald joke
But I got nothing off the top of my head
My wife screamed at me for spilling the gravy..
That’s when I realized it was all over.
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