My son asked me "Where does poo come from?"I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
What are you at risk for if you have sex in a coffin?
A funereal disease.
I ate someone else's Middle Eastern dinner
I falafel about it.
I didn’t want to believe that my son was stealing from his new job at the department of transportation
But when i got home, there were many signs
I just broke up with my communist girlfriend.
I should have seen the red flags.
Why does Yoda like sheep?
Cuz Dagobah. (They go baa!) I will see myself out.
What's another name for Dracula's castle in Transylvania?
The Vampire State Building.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with.
I’ve been tripping all day.
What do you call pairs of slacks that play sports?
Partici-pants!
There are rumors, that Elon Musk will buy "Jack Daniels".
I think that would be a whiskey investment.
Calling a Pizza shopMe: Hello do you deliver?
Pizza guy: yes we deliver.
Me: I’d like one large pizza.
Pizza guy: one large pizza.
Me: with Liver and pineapple.
Pizza guy: what don’t do liver and pineapple on a pizza.
Me: well you said you do liver.
Pizza guy: I said we deliver you bastard!!
What do you get when you combine Mother Superior’s wardrobe with a Sears battery?
Old habits Diehard
I told my wife I bought her a hoodie that says “DAD JOKES.” She rolled her eyes. “You can’t be serious.”
I said, “Babe, relax… I got you the perfect sighs.”
Why do reggae singers hate going to prison?
Because they dread locks
Lamps.
What do you call a medieval lamp ?
A knight light.
When I got divorced, my wife and I fought over who would get the weed.
In the end, the judge gave us both joint custody
Farmer Mike put corn husks in the frame of his truck to help reduce the bouncing.
He calls them his shuck absorbers.
What does a dog see when he looks in the mirror?
God
The snowman went to the garden.
He wanted to pick his nose.
What do you call an elderly Egyptian?
Giza
Be careful of any special deals the server offers you at ApplebeesWe'd just finished and out of the blue the server asks "Box for your food, sir?"
Well that was too good to pass up. She was tougher than she looked but I did manage to prevail. And in a clear breach of contract the manager immediately had me arrested.
Sore losers!
I've got a really cool step ladder.
My real ladder left when I was 5.
What do you call an Italian diamond?
A gabajewel.
What do you do if you see a spaceman?
You park, man
What do you call a nun with low self esteem?
Mother Inferior
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