A princess announced to her many suitors that she would marry whoever could bring her the most ping pong balls.The first suitor returned after two weeks with hundreds of horse-drawn carriages filled to the brim. He had managed to find one million ping pong balls, and the princess was quite impressed.
The second suitor, determined to win, spent months at sea, returning with a fleet of massive cargo ships. When they docked, they delivered 100 million ping pong balls. The princess was certain he was the winner.
The third suitor didn't show up for a whole year. When he finally arrived, he was bruised, battered, and covered in scratches. He limped up to the throne clutching a single, heavy brown sack.
The princess laughed and said, "What are you doing? My second suitor brought 100 million balls! You're wasting my time with one little bag."
The man looked up, confused and exhausted, and whispered, "But princess... I thought you said King Kong balls!"
I finally worked up the courage to ask my blind coworker if she was currently seeing anyone.
She said, “No, but I have a boyfriend.”
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his Whopper...
If anyone wants a discount on a harp, let me know...
I can pull some strings...
My wife left me because I have an unhealthy obsession with Africa.
Kenya believe it?!
Saw an opportunity and I took itThere was a Civil War event in my town this past weekend. I was driving by with my wife and I saw someone dressed as Abraham Lincoln standing under a canopy with a sign that said "Information Booth"
I said to my wife "it's a good thing it's not the John Wilkes information Booth"
Blank stare from my wife
*Realization hits*
Wife: "That's terrible"
What do you call an aging actor who paid his home off?
Mortgage Freeman
My wife challenged me to bake her a pizza in the shape of the Eiffel tower.
I thought to myself... that's a tall order.
Why did Captain America have Thor, Iron Man and The Hulk help him build lego?
Because, Avengers assemble.
Someone called me a peasant. I was not phased.
It was a feudal attempt to insult me.
What do you call a concious wolf?
Aware-wolf
Singing in the shower is fun until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.
A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Legoland...
The damage is expected to be 50 square blocks.
How do non-binary people hurt themselves?
They/Them.
I was having an awesome Cinco de Mayo party until about midnight...
Then we had to Seis and Desist.
Guys, I’ve finally come up with a new name for China’s capital. It was a lot of effort and I don’t want any of you looking at my work.
No Peking!
I saw a bald eagle the other day…
All of its feathers were combed over to one side.
How did the man look in his cheddar shirt?
Sharp!
Just got the bill for my house repairs. Storm blew away a quarter of my roof.
Oof.
I was once taking a skydiving class.
I dropped out.
She got me.My girlfriend and I were watching a cop show together. One thing that always bothered me: when the main characters storm a building, their backup come in with full body armor, heavy assault weapons, and helmets. The MC's don't. I complained about this to her, and she said they don't need all that. They have Plot Armor.
I love that woman.
I went to a pub once and they had a dartboard on the ceiling
The moment I saw it I wanted to throw up
In mathematics hell
you need to pay a sin tax
I asked Mr. T what he thinks about these high gas prices.
He said, “I pity the fuel!”
Why Are Seagulls called Seagulls?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be Baygulls!! ˗ˏˋ 𓅰 ˎˊ˗
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