What’s worse than a box full of snakes?
A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.
I went to the doctor's last week and it turns out I'm both gay and dyslexic.
I'm still in Daniel.
Did you know Dolly Parton was terrible at mathematics? She even had a song about it...
"Adding 9 to 5, what a way to make 11."
When I got to work, there was a mysterious love letter covered in slime on my desk.
Looks like I have a secrete admirer.
I'm at the age where I no longer care if I look good in photos...
I just wanna look good in CT scans, MRIs, and X-rays...
I dont want to brag but last year I ran two marathons in 1 day.
My first marathon and my last marathon.
Sad news - the man who first got men and women playing tennis together in groups of four passed away last week
RIP Mick Stubbles
When I make Eggs Benedict I only use metal plates...
Because there’s no plates like chrome for the hollandaise.
I told a friend that my aunt is in hospital, passing the time by playing draughts, ludo and mahjong."Any chess?" he asked.
"No. She's gone private."
Me: "Dad, can you spell wonton backwards?"
Dad: "Not now."
A hacker once called me and said he has all my passwords
I said, "WHAT!? Hold on. Let me get a pen. Now, what are they again?"
My girlfriend is trying to lose weight by snorting cocaine
She calls it 'Diet Coke'
What do you call a busty bodybuilder who can play the guitar?
Muscle mammary
At dinner, my date asked what my favorite movie was. I said, “Well, recently it’s Aquaman.” She said, “Oh, that’s a good one! Except what’s the deal with him insisting on tuning his harp in front of everyone?”
I said, “Oh, that’s just a tension sea king behavior.”
Just when you think vegetables can’t call
Onion rings
What do babies do on the internet?
Google gaga
How many Communists does it take to change a lightbulb?
none, for the lightbulb contains the seed of its own glorious revolution..
Thought I’d try and get a Broadway award for a fake play about pasta.
Turns out you can’t rigatoni.
What did Ken from Street Fighter say when I asked if I could get his autograph?
“SURE YOU CAN!!!”
Have you heard Alanis Morrisette drives a Hyundai EV?
Is it an Ioniq?
Why did the prairie dog go to the bank?
It needed to burrow some money
My daughter said her friend is allergic to pears
I told her she should try eating one at a time.
I I T Y W Y B M A DReal life experience: in an Air Force officers mess, in Ikeja, Lagos State, Nigeria, on the bar is written and spaced out,
I I T Y W Y B M A D
I ended up buying about 6 drinks for my friends. As a civilian, you tend to leave such alone, believing it's military, but curiousity always gets you.
After a couple of beers, I asked my friend, an Air Force officer, what does that mean, he replied .... If I tell you will you buy me a drink? No problem, I replied, but what does it mean? That's how I owed him 6 beers.
My girlfriend accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.
I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"
What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Biting into an apple and finding HALF a worm.
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