I was heartbroken when my wife told me that my five-year-old was not my son.
Then she told me to pay more attention at kindergarten pickup.
It’s been 3 years since I started training for the ejaculation distance championships
Since then I’ve come a long way.
I almost decided to start worshipping paper bags
But decided that would be sack religious.
Someone broke into our house last night and stole a dozen eggs.They also left a pan of boiling water on the stove.
Police believe it was poachers.
I don’t understand why people dislike vegans so much…
…I’ve never had beef with them.
My friend tony told me not to say his name backwards
I said "y not?"
Bruce Lee was fast, but did you know that he had a brother that was even faster?
His name was Sudden Lee.
A farmer has successfully grown a field of vibrators.
Unfortunately, he now has a problem with squatters.
I almost made a post here about margarine
But then I realized I could do butter
I’ve been trying to come up with a jokes about unemployment
But none of them are working.
I could never be vegan.
For me, it'd be a huge "missed steak."
My old roommate Joe…I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those big cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for Joe with his cotton eye, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
What do you call a woman made of bread
A baguette
I was looking forward to watching the World Origami Championship…
Apparently, it’s only on Paper View
Apparently, Northern Ireland has a completely different version of Beauty and the Beast. In most places, the princess is too slow to escape.
But over there, Belle fast.
What is the problem with cross-eyed teachers?
They can't control their pupils.
I like to fornicate expensive words into my sentences
Even if I don't know what they mean
The concert was so extremely loud, it hurt to stay, but it was his favorite band
A true life or deaf situation
Just wanted to let y’all know I have a pet termite.
I named him Clint….
Clint Eatswood
I'm so old
I went into an antique store, and they wouldn't let me leave
I got a monitor from amazon
It bit me when i tried to install it
What do you call a group of four squids?
A squad
Patrick an Murphy at the pub
Patrick and Murphy are talking over a pint of Guinness at their local bar:
Patrick said to Murphy.
“A strange thing happened at home last night.”
Murphy inquired. “And what was that?”
Patrick answered. “The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer.”
Murphy – “And what did you tell her?”
Patrick – “I told her I was looking for cheap flights.”
Murphy – “So what did she say about that?”
Patrick – “She said she loved me, threw me on the floor and we had the most amazing sex.”
Murphy – “I’ll bet that surprised, you Pat?”
Patrick – “That it did Murphy. She’s never shown the remotest interest in darts before!”
My son was born without eyelids. So the skin from the circumcision was used to make eyelids. Everything turned out good.
The only thing is he turned out a little cockeyed.
I’ve actually got two books for recording my dad jokes. My really quiet ones…
And a second volume.
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