Why are gay dating sites so popular?
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure
A young man was not having much success in dating women, so he went to the library to find a book on romance. He checked out one called "How to Hug." It wasn't much help.
It turns out he checked out volume 14 of an encyclopedia.
A fisherman and his wife welcomed their twin sons into the world. For a while, they struggled to come up with names for the boys, but one day they noticed that one boy was always looking toward the sea, the other away, so they named their sons Toward and Away.A few years later, when the boys were old enough, the fisherman decided to teach them the family trade. So he packs up the boat, kisses his wife goodbye, and goes out to sea with his sons.
Years pass without their return. One day, at the market, the wife sees a man she recognizes as her husband. She asks him.
"Where are the boys?"
"Oh, it was horrible!" The father exclaimed, distress in his voice. "Just days after we left, Toward caught a huge fish. But the fish was relentless and fought back. They wrestled on the waves for days, before Toward's strength failed him, and the fish swallowed him whole!"
"Oh god!" The wife exclaims, "That's horrible!"
"You think that's bad?" The father asks, "You shoulda seen the one that got Away."
Did my first nude painting yesterday…
The neighbours weren't happy but the front door looks great!
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I’m still not sure why she wants me to urinate on a skeleton.
To save money on a coffin, buy a pen from Amazon...
and use the box it came in.
What do you call a glory hole at the police station?
The anonymous tip
My granddaughter just told me that she got a Nintendo switch.
I asked “How did you turn on your Nintendo before that?”
How do you know that Mike Tyson is anti-religion?
Because he punches people in the faith.
Family generations successively having fewer and fewer kids
is called a receding heirline
What's the best material for making a ninja suit?
Leather. It's made out of hide.
After Tim Cook stepped down as CEO of Apple. I'd hoped Trump would also step down.
Of course, I'm comparing apples to oranges.
I warned my children about blowing their whistle inside the house and I gave them one last chance.
Unfortunately, they blew it.
I sued British airlines for losing my luggage
The courts dismissed me because I had no case
A piece of string walks into a bar, bartender says, Hey we don't serve your kind in here. So the string goes outside, twists himself around and rubs himself up and down. He walks back into the bar. The bartender says, Hey aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out?
The string says, No, I'm a frayed knot.
"This ain't my first rodeo you know."
"Sir this is a petting zoo. Get off the goat."
Little richard used to help me do my gardening.
He lopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo.
BREAKING NEWS: A car, out of control, crashed into the storefront of an Everything for a Dollar Store.
Damages were estimated to be $1.00
I love going outdoors.
So much safer than going through windows.
Want to know what happens when I get an eyelash stuck in my eye?
Eye lash out at others
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have chlamydia, gonorrhoea and onomatopoeia.” Patient: “onomatopoeia? What’s that?
Doctor: “I’m afraid it’s exactly what it sounds like.”
How do you make 7... Even?
You remove the 'S'.
My dad used to put me in a tyre and roll me down a hill
Those were the Goodyears
If members of a football team were accused of committing a crime
, we could assume that those with jersey numbers 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97 would be the prime suspects.
What do students and teachers look forward to but a Slinky dreads?
Spring break
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