What do you call a chameleon that can't change its colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction
An Elderly Italian man went to his local church for confessionAn elderly Italian man went to his local church for confession.
When the priest opened the screen, the old man said:
“Father… during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood came to my door.
She was terrified and begged me to hide her from the Nazis.
So I hid her in my attic.”
The priest replied gently,
“My son, that was a brave and compassionate act. There is nothing to confess there.”
The man hesitated.
“There’s more, Father.
She showed her gratitude by becoming… very affectionate with me.
Several times a week.
Sometimes even twice on Sundays.”
The priest paused, then said,
“My son, those were extraordinary times.
You both lived in fear for your lives.
Human weakness under such conditions is understandable.
If you are truly sorry, you are forgiven.”
The old man sighed with relief.
“Thank you, Father. That lifts a great burden from my heart.”
Then he added,
“One last question…”
“Yes?” said the priest.
“Should I tell her the war is over?”
People who write "burro" when they mean "burrow"...
... clearly don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
I just heard rodents might start a revolution.
Imagine mice uprise.
What does a pirate do when he’s hot?
He turns on the “arrr-conditioner.”
A lot of people don’t realize that French fries aren’t cooked in France.
They’re cooked in Greece.
Did you know what happened when a cheetah and a crab crossed path
Damn, things went sideways very fast
Who is the richest Irishman?
Why, it’s Bill O’Nare!
I accidentally sprayed body spray in my mouth.
Now I speak with an Axe scent.
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Teacher: “Please give me a sentence using these three words: defence, defeat, and detail.”
Student: "When a dog jumps over defence, defeat go first, then detail."
I saw an NSFW ad earlier
The man in the construction site didn't have his hard hat.
I went shopping for cherries and microphone stands.
Bought a bing, bought a boom.
I walked off my job at the complaint desk for the Kleenex Division of Kimberly-Clark
Seriously, you wouldn’t believe the snotty phone calls I had to deal with!
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Why do we say “no pun intended” and not…
“That was pun-intentional”
My wife asked if I had taken a shower today.
I said, "No. Why, are you missing one?"
What kind of person always fails to finish their sentences?
A jailbreaker, because they
Action movie stars agree to do a period piece movie about famous composers...Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting with the casting director deciding who will play which composer.
Willis says: "I want to be Mozart."
Stallone says: "Taking the best one I see, then I have dibs on Beethoven."
Schwarzenegger sighs and says: "I'll be Bach."
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre
I was at the butcher's today and I noticed he was working alone
'What happened to your assistant?' I asked
'I sacked him,' he replied.
'Why did you do that?'
'He kept putting his willy in the bacon slicer.'
'What did you do with the bacon slicer?'
'I sacked her too.'
I just ordered dinner online for the first time. The app says 'Dasher on the way'
What an odd name. Their parents must have really loved Christmas.
Hello all, selling used Parachutes...Lifetime Warranty:
If it doesn't work, just bring it back, we'll exchange it.
Anyone excited about the new Christopher Nolan movie?
I heard it's a film you Odyssey to believe!
I am watching a series about a plastic surgeon.
But there are a lot of filler episodes!
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