I introduced my 8 year old to Toby Maguire's Spider man last night. She hit me with this:Dad, I know how Peter Parker takes the pictures of SpiderMan.
He uses his webcam!
#ProudDad
I've seen a lot of web designer puns but even searching the subreddit I didn't see any webcams in the first few pages.
A woman woke up from a 6-month coma and asked the doctor about her baby...
The doctor said, "You had twins, a boy and a girl! They're doing great. Since you were unconscious, your brother named them for you."
The woman panicked. "Oh no, not my brother! He’s an absolute idiot! What did he name the girl?"
"Denise," the doctor replied.
The woman paused. "Oh, wow... Denise is actually a lovely name! What did he name the boy?"
The doctor sighed deeply. "Denephew."
There was once an emperor who never aged past 19.
His name was Constant Teen.
My daughter brought her new boyfriend over to meet me yesterday...
He stuck out his hand and said, "Hi sir, I'm David. Nice to meet you.
"I took a step closer and asked, "David, are you nervous?"
He swallowed hard and said, "No, not at all."
So I grabbed his hand, looked him dead in the eye, and said, "Then why are you shaking?"
I just realized my emergency contact is my husband.The same man who can't find his wallet, doesn't know his doctor's name, and ignores unknown calls...
Yeah, call him.
I accidentally swallowed invisible ink.
I'm in hospital waiting to be seen.
A guy goes to the doctor and says, “I keep seeing a werewolf, with big sharp teeth.”The doctor says, “Have you seen a psychiatrist?”
The guy says, “No, just a werewolf.”
I really don't like people on ladders...
They always look down on me.
I have an addiction to seaweed…
I am going to seek kelp.
You're allowed a maximum of two visits to Spain.
The third is considered tres-passing.
When Steve left Apple,
there were fewer jobs.
I complained at a restaurant last night. I said, "Hey, waiter, my soup is cold!" He said, it's Gazpacho."
I said, "Hey, Gazpacho... my soup is cold!"
Noah had been busy for weeks making his final preparations for the flood. The last details of the boat were complete and the animals were nearly finished with their march onto the boat.
As he stood there with his wife watching the strange but magnificent event the last of the animals finally boarded. He turned to his wife and with a sigh of relief said, "now I've herd everything"....
How do you neutralize a military base?
Put a military acid on it.
At the end of the interview, they offered me the job. I then explained that, for legal reasons, I couldn’t officially be on payroll. The manager said, “Well, I suppose we could do it under the table.”
I said, “Fine, but after that, let’s discuss how I’ll be paid.”
What do you call a man who......loves the beach? Sandy.
...is obsessed with Bob Ross? Art.
...dreams about money? Bill.
...loves to jump into piles of leaves? Russel.
...can't swim? Bob.
...likes being dragged by a boat? Skip.
...likes hot dogs? Frank.
...is religious? Christian.
...speaks in short sentences? Curt.
...lives in a hole in the ground? Doug.
...is always lying on the floor? Matt.
...works in a produce aisle? Herb.
...loves to go camping? Forrest.
...works out all the time? Jim.
...loves cooking steaks? Chuck or Stu.
...smokes a lot of weed? Bud.
...is obsessed with lighting fires? Bernie.
...loves running after people? Chase.
...likes lifting up cars? Jack.
...loves to go hiking? Cliff.
...loves to fish? Rod.
...is always laying in the sun? Tanner.
...loves collecting taxes? Levy.
...builds brick houses? Mason.
...loves little bears? Teddy.
Keep the list going!
My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance.My wife said its such an uncommon name.
So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot
What's Borat's favourite city?
Venice!
Did you know some peppers burn vampires?
They're called Hallowed Peños.
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum?
Warren
She told me "sorry. I have a boyfriend"
"Ahh, it appears you're misstaken"
So my friend tried to describe a piece of land with no buildings or structures on it, completely open to the sky.
He means a lot.
How do you get a one armed idiot out of a tree?Wave to them.
(Was a racist joke when I was a kid. Had to change some wording for obvious reasons.)
What does a guitar say after it's been fine-tuned?
Thanks for everystring!
I’ve started a business where parent can bring their children to learn the importance of peace and friendship through handling rodents.
I call it Calm Rattery.
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