If anyone wants a discount on a harp, let me know...
I can pull some strings...
Singing in the shower is fun until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.
Someone called me a peasant. I was not phased.
It was a feudal attempt to insult me.
How did the man look in his cheddar shirt?
Sharp!
How do non-binary people hurt themselves?
They/Them.
I finally worked up the courage to ask my blind coworker if she was currently seeing anyone.
She said, “No, but I have a boyfriend.”
She got me.My girlfriend and I were watching a cop show together. One thing that always bothered me: when the main characters storm a building, their backup come in with full body armor, heavy assault weapons, and helmets. The MC's don't. I complained about this to her, and she said they don't need all that. They have Plot Armor.
I love that woman.
I went to a pub once and they had a dartboard on the ceiling
The moment I saw it I wanted to throw up
My father was a officer in the Army but he never showered
He wanted to maintain his rank
I asked Mr. T what he thinks about these high gas prices.
He said, “I pity the fuel!”
Why can’t NASA send a duck to space
The bill would be astronomical
I saw a bald eagle the other day…
All of its feathers were combed over to one side.
I bought a takeaway coffee from a coffee stall run by a Buddhist Monk. I gave him $10 expecting $5 back.
He just looked at me and said, "Change comes from within."
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his Whopper...
Someone got into a bad vegetable habit.
I have to beet it out of them.
I once created a belt made out of wristwatches.
It was a waist of time.
My son asked if he could eat a piece of cake in the fridge.
I said "Sure, but wouldn't the dining room be more comfortable for you?"
What do you call a Star Wars fan who’s unsure?
And/or
Rescuers attempted to save a stranded Mt. Everest climber today…
When they arrived on scene they found Himalayan there!
Did you know that XL is both larger and smaller than L?XL is larger as a shirt.
But L is larger as a Roman numeral.
What was the name of the French guy who lost a fight with a cat?
Claude.
There were coins inside a WW1 soldier's pocket that stopped a bullet.
They were his life savings.
Do you know the real reason "The Lost Boys" could never be remade today?
Cause now we have GPS
I asked Jerry Lee Lewis what his favourite Arabic honorific title is.
He said, "Sheikh, baby, Sheikh!"
What does scientist B say to his unwashed coworker A?
Eureka!
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