A woman tells the dentist, "I need a tooth pulled, and I don't have time for the numbing shot. Just yank it."Dentist: "What a brave woman! Which tooth is it?"
Woman: She turns to her husband. "Show him your tooth, dear."
I was reading instructions on how to build stairs but I had to quit
Way too many steps!
My wife isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
....I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.
A Russian woman marries an Australian GentlemanA Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Melbourne. The poor lady was not very proficient in English but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some
chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way
to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)
What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to whatever you were doing. I don't know about you sometimes
What does a laughing motorcyclist ride?
A Yamahahaha.
What did the zebra say the first time he saw a piano?
Dad?
Do you know what happens when the average number of bullies in schools goes up?
The mean increases.
Most active famous athletes fly first class.
But retired ones? Coach.
When my wife and I went on our first date, she offered to split the bill. I told her, “Absolutely not.”
“You’re on your own if you’re eating that part of the duck.”
My friend says he drives a stick.
He doesn't, he drives a car.
Have you heard the rumor about butter?
Nevermind, I'm not going to spread it. -- from my 12 year old son.
As a dad of a 2-year-old girl...
...I just realized that no matter how kind my daughter is, a German kid is always kinder.
In high school, I once had a teacher who never farted in public...
Regardless, she was an excellent private tutor.
What’s the difference between dad joke and a divorce?
My wife never asks me for a dad joke.
I don't appreciate mimes.
They just don't speak to me at all.
What size shirt do psychics wear?
Medium.
Why did they stop using cranes at the construction site?
They consistently made foul decisions. That and beavers made better engineers.
What do you a ghost that goes into a house?
An in specter.
Hand-written road sign: "Farm Shop Ahead. Homemade Sausages For Sale."
"100 Yards Left."
Why did the smartphone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts.
If kids are learning to use the word “bruh” in everyday conversation, does that constitute a training bruh?
I’m sorry, my seven year old says bruh like the frat guys I went to college with and I can’t stop these jokes from surfacing.
What do you call it when a hooker spends the night?
Restitution
Not to worry anyone here, but I recently had to go to the hospital due to a peekaboo accident...
They put me in the ICU.
I got fired from the French fry factory for stealing inventory.
They made a big deal out of it, but really it was small potatoes.
I once went to a costume party dressed as a turtle.A guy asked me who the girl was on my back.
I told him "Michelle."
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