Some idiot threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me!!!!!
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian“Do you have that book for men with small penises?”
The librarian looks on her computer and says, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.”
The man replies, “Yeah, that’s the one!”
With regret we announce that the CEO of Ricola Swiss Lozenges has passed away.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
I found the world’s oldest stick of chewing gum.
Miraculously, it’s still in mint condition.
When I was a kid, my parents had a cat named Butter because of his color...When he passed away years later, they were heartbroken. So I got them another cat that looked exactly the same and they named him...
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!
My wife has a new T-shirt with pictures of carrots, apples and bananas. Call me crazy, but I think it’s sexy.
She looks so good in a crop top.
My doc said I am going deaf
That was hard for me to hear
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what is your blood type?”
The rabbit says, “I think I might be a type 0.”
My wife left her bra on the floor, and I tripped on it
it was a booby trap.
I thought the Seahawks’ quarterback was good
But he’s just too darn old
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of their boats?
Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
I was going to tell you a joke about time travel
But you didn't like it
My wife asked me to clear the table.
I took a running start and barely made it over, but she’s still mad.
Legal.
A man is suing
Smart Water for not making him smart, and I'd like to formally announce my lawsuit against
Thin Mints.
What do swingers do after school?Extra Caligula activities.
I think it’s an original but I refuse to Google and be disappointed.
My father invented the cold air balloon....
It never took off.
What do you call a chair playing an instrument?
A rocking chair!
What does a wizard do when it’s sunny?
He casts a shadow
I think I remembered a really good joke to make about the Michigan/Western Michigan game.
Just give me a second.
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian..."Where are your books on paranoia?"
The librarian leans close and whispers, "They're right behind you."
Hat.
I made a hat using only dynamite. It's mind-blowing invention.
Why do seafaring thieves charge $3.14, £3.14, or €3,14 for their booty?
Because they are pi rates.
What is Frankenstein's favorite cheese?
Meunster
What's a Mexicans favorite food to eat at a smoke stack?
A chimney-changa.
My wife said she wanted to watch a film without me.
"That's any film then," I replied, "since I'm not an actor."
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