My wife gave birth today. After thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and asked “How soon can we have sex?”He glanced at his watch, winked, and said,
“I’m off in ten minutes. Meet me in the parking lot.”
How big is the average fence?
Around a yard.
How does Dolly Parton keep her swimming pool clean?
Chlorine,chlorine,chlorine,chlorineeeeen
Why are the Dallas Cowboys America's team?
They're at home watching the superbowl just like all Americans.
The government just shut down a farm after receiving a tip that they were splicing human and lettuce DNA...
Once on the scene they found human romaines!
I found out last night that Albert Einstein was a real person.
I was quite surprised, because I always thought that he was a theoretical physicist.
This morning, I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop
I think I must be coming down with a chess infection.
I was trying to find impostor in the dictionary.
It was next to impossible.
Why can't people with bladder issues print documents?
They can't control pee.
The mopedAn old man on a moped pulls up to a stoplight next to a doctor in a sleek, shiny car.
“What kind of car ya got there, sonny?” the old man asks.
The doctor replies, “It’s a Ferrari. Cost me half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” the old man says. “Why so expensive?”
“Because it can go up to 220 miles an hour,” the doctor says proudly.
“Wow, mind if I take a look inside?” the old man asks.
“No problem,” the doctor says. The old man peers in the window, looks around, then sits back on his moped. “Real nice car… but I’ll stick with my moped.”
Just then the light turns green, and the doctor decides to show off what his car can do. He floors it, hitting 150 in seconds. Then he notices a dot in his rearview mirror. It seems to be getting closer. Suddenly, WHOOOSH, something blasts past him.
He slows, then speeds up faster. Up ahead, he realizes it’s the old man on the moped. Amazed, the doctor punches it to 200 and passes him again, only to see the moped closing in once more.
Now the Ferrari is flat out at 220. There’s nothing more he can do. Seconds later, the moped slams into the back of the Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. Unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
The doctor jumps out and rushes over. “I’m a doctor! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man, pale and out of breath, whispers, “Yeah… could you unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror?”
What do French people call a really bad Thursday?
A trajeudi.
I just found out the company that makes yardsticks,
Won’t be making them any longer! 🙄🤨🤪😁
While bench pressing today, my dumbbell slipped and everyone laughed
I had to get that off my chest
A guy calls a handyman in a panic: "Help! My front doorknob has been stolen! I can't get in my own home!"
The handyman replies: "Don't worry, I'll handle it."
New ShoesI always thought that orthopedic shoes were overrated.
But, I stand corrected.
Did you hear about the mechanic who lost his legs?
He’s a handyman now.
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him move faster.
If anything, it made him a little sluggish.
I’m auditioning for a NSFW play, but I don’t want anyone I know to hear my monologues
Those are my private parts
What's the most dangerous type of pufferfish?
A puff daddy.
Getting my kite stuck in a tree isn't my favorite thing…
But it's up there.
My wife tells me I have 2 major faults.
That I don’t listen – and something else. I dont know....
I was walking around the house complaining about it being cold
Then my dad shouts from the other room: "Go stand in a corner then, it's always 90 degrees there" (true story)
Here’s my 1st year knowledge of Spanish. What’s the difference between a 14 year old boy in the US and one in Mexico?
The 14 year old boy in the U.S. is a freshman and one in Mexico is a señor.
What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-na!
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