How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?Two.
One to hold the bulb and the other to hold the penis. Mother. Ladder!
Elvis Costello and ABBA are touring together this summer but they figured out who the headliner will be..
So, watch for ABBA and Costello to find out who's on first.
They say if you play heavy metal backwards you get satanic messages. What do you get playing country music backwards?
Your job back, your wife back, your truck back, your house back
So this happened at dinner last night and I could not resist.We were having pasta and my youngest asked what I would do with a million dollars. I said I would probably build a car out of spaghetti. My wife rolled her eyes immediately, like she already knew where this was going. She has been married to me long enough to sense danger.
I let the silence sit there for a good thirty seconds. Really let it breathe. Timing is everything with a good dad joke. Then I casually mentioned that she should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
My son groaned so loud the dog got startled. My wife put her fork down and just stared at me with that look. You all know the look. The one that says I love you but I cannot believe I chose this life.
Honestly that reaction is the whole reward. The groan, the stare, the slow head shake. That is the standing ovation of the dad joke world.
Curious what delivery trick gets the best reaction in your house. Do you go fast and catch them off guard, or do you slow burn it like I did here? Always looking to sharpen the craft. Dad jokes are a serious art form and I will not hear otherwise.
Donald Trump is rooting for the Spurs at the NBA Finals
They're what kept him out of Vietnam.
Are people born with a photographic memory?
Or does it take time to develop?
Actual joke told to me by my uncle this morning(For context, I’m pansexual and also very sick at the moment with some mucus buildup in my nose and throat, so I was gargling with salt water, which kind of helped but anyways, I was doing this in the kitchen)
Uncle: You should get out of the common area if you’re going to be doing all that. You had better not start a mini pandemic.
Me: Don’t you mean an epidemic?
Unc: It’s always a *pan*demic if you’re involved.
Me:
Unc, spraying the general area with Lysol: take your germs somewhere else, *pan*
LIKE, WHY WAS THAT AN ACTUALLY GOOD JOKE? WHAT THE FUCK MAN? 😭
What does Charon, the ferryman of the Underworld, do with the coins provided with dead bodies?
He invests in… wait for it… crypt-o.
A blonde and her husband are watching the news...News Flash: A Brazilian died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?
A good parachute lasts 5 years
A bad one? A lifetime!
You know why Shakira's accounts never get hacked?
Because her https don't lie.
Ernie and Bert from Sesame StreetBert” Hey Ernie do want to go get some ice cream or something?”
Ernie “Sherbert”
What do you get if an axe hits your head ?
A splitting headache!
What do you call fairy tales told really, really quickly?
ASAP's fables.
A penguin waddled into a party. He looked around the room and realized there were no beverages. He said,“This is the worst party I’ve ever been to.”
(There’s no punch line)
There's a new sandwich shop that just opened that only serves vegetarian sub sandwiches
It's called "Never Meat Your Heroes"
You know what always catches my eye?
Short people with umbrellas.
The guy who invented cough drops passed away yesterday
There will be no coffin at his funeral
How do check on a small crocodilian going through an identity crisis?
You gently ask, “hey, are you a caiman”?
What do you call a creature with no arms, legs, or even a torso, just an appendage for smelling?
Nobody knows.
I used to play with a group called The Duvets.
We were a cover band.
To whoever stole my anti-depressants:
I hope you’re happy now.
We went to the opera this weekend, and there was a vendor selling hot drinks of bright yellow chai with floating chunks of tuna. It caught my eye, but I didn’t try it. Still...
I can’t shake the feeling I missed out on a golden opera-tuna-tea
Humility is among one of my strongest traits
It's right up there along with my intelligence, athleticism, wealth, and education.
What do you call angry glasses
See-thing
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