Three moles are in a tunnel.The first says, "I smell sugar."
The second says, "I smell honey."
The third says, "I smell molasses."
I called my daughter to ask how things were going in the big city. She said, “Well, some weirdo on the subway demanded that I give him sodium chloride and a 9-volt. So I guess that’s my first mugging.” I said, “No, sweetie…”
“… that’s a salt and battery.”
A horse walked into a bar and the bartender looked up and said, "Hey!"
The horse said, "Neigh, my good man, I already ate. I'll just have a beer."
The members of Dire Straits bought a zoo, but insisted it couldn't be successful until they showed the staff how to give away all the primates.
Apparently they said "Now that ain't workin', that's the way you do it, monkeys for nothing and your chimps for free".
When the wife told me La Paz was a capital city...
... I said "I don’t Bolivia!".
I just ran into Matt Damon at the thrift store, searching for a new pair of jeans
He was Goodwill hunting
Don’t know if this is a wind up but I just received a text saying I’d won £250 cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night
It says Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show
You know why ghosts love taking elevators?
Cause it always lifts their spirits
Some people say it's wrong to tell jokes at the summit of Mount Everest.
But I think it's peak humor.
Why do pancakes always win at baseball?
Because they have the best batter.
How do cows walk?
They put two feet in front of the udders.
What do you call two dinosaurs involved in a car accident?
T-wrecks!
Happy Trucker Day!
That’s a 10/4, good buddy
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A Yamahahahahaha
What is a short person that enjoys good food called?
a Gastrognome
I was nervous about going for my first visit to the proctologist for a prostate check
But the doctor reassured me, he said they're all done digitally.
What do you say to testicles that are breaking the speed limit?
Nuts so fast!
One of the unicorns on Noah's ark introduced himself to the other unicorn, "Hi, I'm Bob. What's your name?"
"Steve."
Why couldn't the chameleon change his colors?
He had "a reptile dysfunction".
If someone is born inside a car, and die outside, can we call him
Carborn Dieoutside
The best dad jokes: the ones you get them to walk into.When we would drive by a cemetery, my dad would say:
"Hey, this graveyard is very popular. Highly desirable."
"Really?"
"Oh yeah. People are dying to get in there. "
Why are mountains funny?
Because they are hill-areas
When is the best time of day to do the dishes?
Dawn.
I recently separated from my wife. Against my wishes, she insisted all our doors have knobs.
I just had to Lever.
Do you know the movie with the cheesiest dad joke?
Provolone 2: Lost in New York
top
