A miner is driving to work and gets pulled overThe cops asks: “Where are you going, whose car is this, what do you do for a living.”
The miner responded: “Mine.”
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddily-squats
My brother convinced me to go halves on a used funeral car...
I can't believe I was so easily co-hearsed.
Someone came up to me outside and said "I thought you'd be younger"
I said, "I was".
If you think you can come up with a better joke about big cats than me…
You’re lion.
Why are there poptarts but no momtarts?
The pastryarchy
8 hours of sleep each night, perfect diet, exercise every day, mental health on track, zero alcohol, zero debt and extremely hydrated.
This was my peak. I was 8 years old.
It finally happened. The legendary Holy Grail of dad jokes occurred at the dentist today.
I was at the dentist's front desk needing to reschedule my appointment.
Receptionist: "How about tomorrow?"
Me: "Sounds good. What time?"
Receptionist: "2:30."
I froze, locked eyes with her, and slowly began to grin.
Me: "Are you serious?"
Receptionist: "Umm... yes?"
Me: "Are you telling me I have a dentist appointment at Tooth Hurty?!"
She completely lost it. I think I've officially peaked as a father.
This world has 10 kinds of people
Those who can count in binary, and those who can't.
Why did the polyamorist fail his driver’s exam?
It wasn’t multiple choice.
This world has two types of people
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
My doctor asked if I was ready for my prostate exam. I said, “Absolutely…”
“I’ve been studying all week.”
What do you call a $2 chicken?
Buck buck
My internship in Helsinki has come to an end
It has Finnished
You’re paid how often?More than two jobs and as many decades ago, an employer set us up with a benefit and each of us had to sit with a rep to enroll.
Eventually he got to me, and went through his standard questions, some of them the same response company wide.
“You’re paid weekly…” with a pregnant pause as he knew the answer, and before he could start the next question, I responded,
“Yes. Very weakly.”
I spent my life savings on pasta
And it was worth every penne
How does a hamburger introduce his wife?
Meet Patty.
Why did the girl not go on a second date with the generous fisherman?
He gave her crabs.
A chicken has laid the world's tiniest egg…
Farmers say that's gonna be hard to beat
What kind of Doctor do you only find at his house wearing a pager?
An On-Call-ogist
Why can’t a T-Rex ever win Mr. Olympia? 🦖💪
Because it can’t handle ‘a steroid’ …
Sore throats...
Are a pain in the neck.
Snacks.I'm proud to say my house doesn't have any unhealthy snacks in it.
Because I ate them all.
After many unsuccessful attempts, the chef realized he could never cultivate yeast for sourdough bread baked in a tandoor oven
It was a naan starter.
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
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