How do you lure a pervert? (NSFW)
Just add the NSFW tag.
I just watched a pirated movie.....
On a scale of 1-10, I'd have to give it 3.14159!
Guy next door stopped by and said, “So I heard you and your family had an amaing time seeing the ebras at the oo.”After he left my wife asked, “Who was that?”
I said, “Just our No-Z neighbor.”
This morning I was passed on the highway by a pickup truck pulling a trailer full of donkeys.
Dude was hauling ass.
My date at dinner last night said, “You know, for a man, the backs of your hands are absolutely gorgeous.”
I said, “Thanks, but I’m not really into backhanded compliments.”
Am atheist in the woodsAn atheist was walking through the woods admiring the nature around him. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals,” he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look, and suddenly saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him!
He ran up the path as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was gaining on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and now the bear was even closer.
In his haste, the man tripped on a root and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke, “Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed, because...
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
My son asked what you call a cow that plays music
I said
What does Batman use to cool down in the summer?
Just ice.
Did you hear about the vase that got knighted?
They call him, Sir Ramic.
People laughed at me when I told them I wanted to be a comedian.
Guess that means they support me.
Wanna hear a paper joke?
Nevermind, it's tearable.
I told my dad I was cold.
He said, “Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees there.”
How do you get a country girls attention?
A tractor!
My wife thinks we need to resurface part of our kitchen.
In my opinion, that would be counter productive.
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they’re standing too.
Did you hear about the lawyer who slipped on a banana?
He lost his case on a peel.
I've got a scary math joke
but I'm 2² to say it.
I think my son is turning Scandinavian
Four times I asked him when he was going to clean his room and each time he replied "I'M GUNNAR"
"Doctor! All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!"
Doctor: "Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen!"
Why should you wear glasses in math class?
Because it helps ‘da vision.
My wife was really emotional after work.
Turns out she accidentally deleted some files she should have kept. I told her to to embrace her mistakes and move on. She hugged me and left.
Why did the cowboy buy a Dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggie
What do dads eat for breakfast?
Puncakes
Whenever my wife gets anxious she files her fingernails.
She says it really helps to take the edge off.
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