Insects are a really cheap food source
They are locust
What do you call a bee that doesn’t brag about their accomplishments?
A humble bee
A tale of 2 nuns
There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It was getting dark and they are far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way He cannot follow us both.
The man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrived.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!
At dinner, my date showed me her car tattoos. “Chevy on my right arm, classic Ford on my left, Toyota on this thigh, Tesla on the other, and check out my belly button!”
I said, “Oh wow, it’s an Audi!” She said, “Yep, a few inches above my Volvo.”
A man stumbles upon a lamp and a genie pops out and offers him 3 wishes…Man: “For my first wish I'd like to be rich."
Genie: “Alright Rich, what's your second wish"...
When my daughter was 7 years-old she once interrupted a bedtime story to tell me, "In a pie-eating contest, it doesn't matter if you win or lose because...you get to eat pie."
I think about that a lot.
My prime years
My prime years were when I was 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, and 89.
What does Harry Potter say after taking a shower?
Ex smelly arm pits!
My son came home from school and said: “Dad, I got a part in the school play, I play a man who's been married 30 years."
I replied: “Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that tiny thing?
My kid came up to my wife and said, “Mom, something’s wrong with the dishwasher.”
She looked at me and said, “Are you okay, babe?“
A Firefighter runs in to a kindergarten classroom holding up a screwdriver and yells...
"Kids this is not a drill!"
Why did the car have a belly ache?
Because it had gas!
A guy tries to kill everyone on a train just because he doesn’t like trains…
I think it’s quite a loco motive.
Why do some couples go to the gym?
They want their relationship to work out.
What is a pilgrim's favorite genre of music?
Plymouth rock.
Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon
After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.
Do you know why the life guards couldn’t save the old hippie?
He was too far out man!
What do you call a wasp?
A wanna-bee!!
Sometimes, over the holidays, my family will eat eggs, toast, and bacon for our evening meal.
We always love a Yule Brinner.
I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He's a small arms dealer.
Hands-on autographic jokes are the best...
They practically write themselves
I wanted to write an encouraging message on a Special Olympics promo video.
But comments were disabled.
New York City is just a place of perpetual disappointment and irresponsbility.
They drop the ball every year.
From my son.
What happens when you play a loud note into someone’s ear?
It hertz.
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