An old couple are vacationing in Madrid.
While checking into their hotel the old man has a heart attack and falls to the floor. The desk clerk leaps over the counter shouting, "Don't worry, I'm a Doctor!" She wips out a set of Diffibulator paddles out of her shinny black bag, zaps the old man and saves his life. The man and woman are stunned. The Old lady says, "I never would have thought you were a Doctor!" Don't worry states the desk clerk, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician!"
If I had a penny for every time a girl didn't find me attractive..
I'd eventually have enough money that they would.
The perfect husbandThe Perfect Husband...
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2026 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$195,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $5,950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but you'd better offer $6,200,000.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
A genie granted me one wish, so I wished to be happy.
Now I live with six dwarves and work in a mine.
This morning I saw 2 big black birds stuck together in the backyard,
Turns out they were Velcrows.
I have taken up speed reading. I can read War and Peace in 20 seconds
It's only 3 words but it's a start
How did the construction crew know who stepped in the wet cement?
They had concrete evidence
My only plan for today is to get new glasses.
After that, I guess I'll see what happens.
My friend swears she can smell freshly baked Indian bread from a mile away
I told her that’s naan scents.
What do you call a baby Axolotl?
It's called an Axolitl
A Weasel goes into a bar ..The bartender says, "Well I'll be darned, a real live actual Weasel in my bar! I've never served a Weasel before!! What'll you be having?"
"Pop!' goes the Weasel...
What kind of bugs enjoy reading the dictionary?
Spelling bees
I was drinking a margarita and the waitress yelled “does anyone know CPR?”
I said “I know the entire alphabet.” We all laughed and laughed… well except one guy.
Someone cut a hole in the wall of the ladies room...
The Police are looking into it!
What do you call a deer with perfect vision?
A good idea
I accidentally inhaled some spray deodorant this morning.
So now I go around speaking with this lovely AXEnt.
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans.
Why didn’t Rudolph get a good report card?
Because he went down in history.
What did Curly say to his sunburned pal?
Remember the aloe, Moe.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
My wife asked me to put the baby down
I said “Your eyes are too close together, you are too fat and you are a terrible burden on your poor parents.”
I have a friend who was a priest, and became a lawyer
He's a father in law.
Sunday MorningOne Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque.
"Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?”
What do you call a Fly with no wings?
A Walk! :D
What do u call a bee that can't make up his mind?
A Maybe
top
