My wife is furious with me. She realized I was cheating when she found the letter that I had hidden.
We’re never playing Scrabble again.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning
I have two cousins who want to date me.
I guess that makes me relatively attractive.
Thought my kid would be thrilled when the flight attendant invited him to check out the brand new cockpit before taking off.
Turns out he found it was pretty Boeing.
At dinner, my date told me that she was more of a dog person.
Which later explained the leg humping.
My son asked me "Where does poo come from?"I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
A Mossberg 500 and a Remington 870 got married...
... It was a shotgun wedding.
I think jokes about aircrafts...
Are just plane wrong.
What are you at risk for if you have sex in a coffin?
A funereal disease.
Walking out of the bathroom...I asked my daughter if she had a candle.
She said yes, why?
Because I'm a little lighter.
RIP boiled water....
You will be mist.
I ate someone else's Middle Eastern dinner
I falafel about it.
I going to build an informational web site about Hip Hop Music.
It will be a Wikki-Wikki-Wikki page.
Lamps.
What do you call a medieval lamp ?
A knight light.
I just broke up with my communist girlfriend.
I should have seen the red flags.
it’s math
i drank root beer from a square glass and now i only have beer.
I didn’t want to believe that my son was stealing from his new job at the department of transportation
But when i got home, there were many signs
What's another name for Dracula's castle in Transylvania?
The Vampire State Building.
Why does Yoda like sheep?
Cuz Dagobah. (They go baa!) I will see myself out.
Calling a Pizza shopMe: Hello do you deliver?
Pizza guy: yes we deliver.
Me: I’d like one large pizza.
Pizza guy: one large pizza.
Me: with Liver and pineapple.
Pizza guy: what don’t do liver and pineapple on a pizza.
Me: well you said you do liver.
Pizza guy: I said we deliver you bastard!!
What do you get when you combine Mother Superior’s wardrobe with a Sears battery?
Old habits Diehard
I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with.
I’ve been tripping all day.
What do you call pairs of slacks that play sports?
Partici-pants!
There are rumors, that Elon Musk will buy "Jack Daniels".
I think that would be a whiskey investment.
I thought the ice was safe, but I was wrong.
Now you know what I've been through.
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