Finally got a good oneI went to the doctor yesterday, and she wanted me to get some bloodwork done. While the phlebotomist was readying the vials, she asked me, “are you able to give a urine sample?”
I responded, “urine luck!”
Apparently she never heard that before.
When my wife was pregnant, I gave her a list of tasks for the day. I don’t know why she was so angry about it.
I thought she’d like agenda reveal.
What do you call a Viking who lost his boat?
A Hiking.
What do you call Donna when she gets angry?
Madonna
Pretty happy with a visual gag dad joke.No screenshots allowed, so I will describe my text chain.
Are you free at 1:00?
I am
No 1 pm
I grilled a chicken for two hoursStill wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.
But If I keep at it she will crack like an egg
Why shouldn't you kick a volcano?
You might Krakatoa
Why dont scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything
Did you hear about North Korea's new metric unit for measuring water?
The Supreme Litre
Someone broke in and stole all my antidepressants last night
I hope he's happy..
Why did Mickey go to outer space?
He was looking for Pluto
What word can you make shorter by adding two letters?
Short
Long ago, before there were crowbars
Crows had to drink at home
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it..
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Seen in a food courtI took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next
to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
I bought a dog from a blacksmith.
The moment I got home, he made a bolt for the door.
At the mental hospitalRyan and Emily were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ryan suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Emily promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Emily's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Emily the news she said, 'Emily, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ryan hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Emily replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?
"Could you tell me what "entre nous" means?"
"Well, just between us... ... ... ."
Why do kittens like Spring so much?
Purrr-ennials 😹
I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put some music on?” I said, “Not at all.”He said, “Kiss?”
I said, “Let’s listen to the music first and see how we feel.”
Why does everyone look attractive to beekeepers?
Because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder
Did you hear about the German who ate sausages for 24h straight?
It was the wurst day of his life.
What do you call a gambler who doesn’t eat meat?
A Las Vegan
What did the snake say when it was cut in half?
I won’t be long now
What happens when a microscope crashes into a telescope?
They kaleidoscope.
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