If you're being bothered by a bee...
Just look at it. Seeing is bee leaving.
Our daughter the Xray technician married one of her patients.
We just don't know what she saw in him.
A miner is driving to work and gets pulled overThe cops asks: “Where are you going, whose car is this, what do you do for a living.”
The miner responded: “Mine.”
What is the internal temperature of a Taun-Taun?
Luke Warm
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddily-squats
Telling someone that you're a "dog mom"...
..implies that you're a real bitch.
My brother convinced me to go halves on a used funeral car...
I can't believe I was so easily co-hearsed.
While driving across the country with the family
I decided we would go a little out of our way to visit my good childhood friend Nick Miller. The kids were not happy, they wanted to get to our final destination as quickly as possible. They complained and complained and complained, but I insisted that we take the See Nick route.
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A Pouch Potato
Someone came up to me outside and said "I thought you'd be younger"
I said, "I was".
Why are there poptarts but no momtarts?
The pastryarchy
If you think you can come up with a better joke about big cats than me…
You’re lion.
I just picked up a bottle of that new Fred Flintstone aftershave. It’s strong stuff, you only need to use a tiny bit.
A little dab’ll do...
What do you get when you cross a dog and a tulip?
A Collie-flower
8 hours of sleep each night, perfect diet, exercise every day, mental health on track, zero alcohol, zero debt and extremely hydrated.
This was my peak. I was 8 years old.
I unfortunately had to cancel my surfing lessons
Luckily the fee was waived.
My doctor asked if I was ready for my prostate exam. I said, “Absolutely…”
“I’ve been studying all week.”
How does a hamburger introduce his wife?
Meet Patty.
It finally happened. The legendary Holy Grail of dad jokes occurred at the dentist today.
I was at the dentist's front desk needing to reschedule my appointment.
Receptionist: "How about tomorrow?"
Me: "Sounds good. What time?"
Receptionist: "2:30."
I froze, locked eyes with her, and slowly began to grin.
Me: "Are you serious?"
Receptionist: "Umm... yes?"
Me: "Are you telling me I have a dentist appointment at Tooth Hurty?!"
She completely lost it. I think I've officially peaked as a father.
This world has 10 kinds of people
Those who can count in binary, and those who can't.
I saw the Devil hiding in my kitchen cabinet the other day.
I guess that's because he's a sinner, man!
What do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A wooly jumper.
Why did the polyamorist fail his driver’s exam?
It wasn’t multiple choice.
What's the difference between a bad joke and a dad joke?
The first letter.
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