The Grim Reaper is pansexual.
Death comes for us all.
Some jerk stole my thesaurus like a jerk.
What a jerk.
The guy who stole my diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.
Why do chickens spend so much time in the gym ? ....... working on their pecks
f(x) walked into a bar.
The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't cater for functions."
Why are Saturday and Sunday strong?
Because all the other days are week days.
Police have confirmed that a man who fell from the 25th floor of a night club
Is not a bouncer.
I've been thinking about getting surgery to remove my spine.
I figured it was only holding me back.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I'm dismayed.
I know a lot of jokes in sign language.
And I can guarantee you've never heard them.
I went to a hotel to ask for a room and the lady at the counter told me that all the rooms were full.I told her my name was "Improvement".
And there's always a room for improvement.
I'm applying for a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.
I always get asked, "Why do you tell so many fish jokes?"
I just do it for the halibut.
My doctor said I should cut down on sodium.
I take his advice with a grain of salt.
My wife and I discussed and jointly agreed that we don't want children.
We're telling them tonight !
I gave my girlfriend a expensive bracelet, and she spit into my face
Well it could be worse, she could have slapped me if she had any arms
They tried to knight Cher. It didn’t go well.
She melted down. Turns out it was a bad idea to try to make Cher noble.
I've always wanted to drown my troubles...
But I can never get my wife to go swimming.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it in a glass for water. If it sinks its a girl ant.
If it floats its boy ant.
A mushroom tries to walk into a night club, but the bouncers wouldn’t let him in.
The mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fungi!”
I once saw a paraplegic juggler but he wasn't very good...
He kept dropping the paraplegics.
So there's this horse....He's a regular horse, he grew up with loving parents, but unfortunately his mother died when he was only 7, leading to his father struggling with single parenthood. He studied law at university, and graduated with a masters degree. He followed this passion in his career, getting into law until one day he lands a major job, earning $450, 000 a year. At this job, he meets a lady horse who he hits it off with immediately, and goes on a few dates with. Before he knows it, he's married with a kid on the way. One day, he chooses to invest all his savings into the stock market, banking all on growth. The stock market crashes. Afraid to tell his wife, he keeps it hidden, until one day she discovers. She is furious, and demands a divorce, with the lack of a prenup leaving mister horse with nothing, and he is homeless. He goes about, begging on the streets, until one day, he sees a bar with a sign saying "everyone welcome" and he takes this as an invitation.
The bar is quiet and empty, and the room is cold and dim. The bartender is a kind, gentle person, who has been mistreated by the world. Growing up working class, they dreamed of getting into STEM and curing any and every disease in the world. However, their family could not afford the costly tuition, so was forced to move about jobs, eventually inheriting their grandparents old bar after their passing. At the time of the bartender's grandparents passing, the bar was at an all time low, with the single regular holding up the entire business. However, since the new bartender took over, the place has started to liven up, with their joyful approach to running the place drawing in customers more frequently.
At the time in which the horse walks in, the bartender is in the back, but returns to the bar in hearing the jingle of the bell on the door, comes out front, smiling seeing a new customer, especially at such a time in the morning. The horse sits down, miserable, and upon seeing the the horse's face, the bartender asks:
"why the long face"
I was once kidnapped by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
When I went to get my flu vaccine, I asked the receptionist if the doctor would let me have it with the lights off since I’m terrified of needles.
She said, “I’ll ask if he will, but it’s a shot in the dark.“
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little whine.
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