In England it's called a lift, but in America it's called an elevator.
I guess people are just raised differently.
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle.
Attire
I told my boss there was a hole in the women's bathroom door
He said, "I'm going to look into that right away!"
I'm developing a game where you have to go back to assassinate Adam.
It's a first person shooter.
I asked my dad what a "sale" is
He explained the concept and then I said: "Thank you so much. It's means a great deal to me"
How can you tell when a man is ready to be a dad?
If his girlfriend or wife says "I'm pregnant" and he says "Hi pregnant i'm dad"
Daughter and I were getting cookies last nightShe’s concentrating really hard on picking the perfect pair of cookies for hers at the kiosk
me: Hey, I mustache you a question
her: (without looking) that’s terrible, you don’t even have a mustache.
me: I mustache you to look again
me: (holding a mustache sticker up to my face)
her: (cracks up, despite her best efforts) How long have you been hiding that sticker
me: I’d rather not say, it’ll shave me some embarrassment
her: ... ok. that was actually pretty good
Did you hear the new name for iPhone chargers?
Apple juice.
What did Russell Crowe say when he found out about Armie Hammer being a cannibal?
“What do I care? I’m Gladiator”
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but no lighter
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
What pasta shape is forbidden from the broadway theater awards show?
Rigatoni.
I’m about to say something shocking.
Electricity ⚡️
When women get to a certain age, they start collecting dogs and cats
It's called manypaws
How do you fix a broken tomato?
Tomato paste.
What do you call a flying nun?
A bird,
a plane,
Superman.???
.
.
.
.
.
Nope
You call her none of the above
Edit: Nun*
I met Jim Varney's proctologist.
Good guy. Did his job in Ernest.
Wheels for my car keep getting more expensive
And I'm tired of paying for it!
Why did the lawyer install a scratching post?
So he can exercise his clause.
What’s worse than raining cats & dogs?
Hailing taxis
Why did the rooster refuse to fight?
He was chicken!
The World Cup is great but have you seen 2 baby cows play football?
It's a game of two calves.
What's a gym bro's favorite chicken wing flavor?
Buff-alo
I’ve been putting up posters for my neighbour’s missing dog.
In his cool new bedroom at my house.
Did you hear about the duck with the drug problem?
He was a quackhead.
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
You'd get jurassic'd.
top
