My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...
But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
Over 100 years ago, two brothers announced they could fly.
Turns out they were Wright.
I refuse to go to funerals
I'm just not a mourning person
A farmer tells his neighbor, "My horse is so smart, he can count.""No way!" "Watch." The farmer asks, "Horse, what's 2 + 3?" The horse stomps his hoof five times. The neighbor is amazed. "What's 4 + 4?" The horse stomps eight times. "Incredible!" Then the neighbor asks, "What's the square root of 1?"
The horse looks at him for a moment and says:
" Are you kidding me? I'm just a horse"
My girlfriend told me what she likes in a man.My girlfriend told me last night that she loves it when men pull up their sleeves and show their forearms.
Well that's me screwed - I only have two.
"I can hear fruits talking.""So what does this orange say?"
"No idea. It's speaking Mandarin."
I once dated a girl with a wooden leg
It was going well for a while, but eventually we broke it off.
“I bought a sheepdog.”“Old English?”
“Ic gebohte scéaphund.”
A photographer was tragically crushed when a massive block of cheddar fell on him.
In fairness, the people he was photographing did try to warn him.
My optometrist isn’t getting many customers
They’re suffering from a low eye queue..
What’s the most dangerous animal?
Crows. Get enough of them in one place and there’ll be a murder.
I’ve offered my elderly neighbor $20 to give me a ride on her stairlift.
I think she’s gonna take me up on it.
Went to a diner with a couple I know. They started arguing.
Normally, I'm not one to take sides, but they were so distracted by yelling at each other that I stole her fries and his cole slaw...
If you write "5318008" on a calculator and turn it upside down,
you can see the back of a calculator.
Ever since I got a wheelchair, my wife’s been so rude to me.
Always pushing me around and talking behind my back.
Dave was born without eyelids, so the doctors circumcised him to use the skin.
The operation was a success, he's just a little cockeyed.
Dumb question:
Why is the "b" silent?
I just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from ALDI.
It even came with Aldi king’s horses and Aldi king’s men.
Why are old people's feet in such rough shape?
Because time wounds all heels.
I won $10 million in the lottery and decided to donate a quarter of it to charityNow I have to figure out what to do with the other $9,999,999.75
Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital?
ICU
My Pa said he would accompany me and help with my equipment when I was going to climb Mount Everest.
I said,are you surePa?
I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
I dread the day Musk's scandal comes to light
Elon-gate is going to last forever.
Earning the title of "Dad" one bad joke at a timeSince we'll be out of town next week, my gals decided to celebrate Father's Day today. We went out for sushi for lunch. As usual, I ordered the spicy maki combo and an "Out of Control" roll. Most of the food arrived, but my special roll was still being made.
Soon enough, the waitress arrived with the last of my food. "Here you go. Your Out of Control." I responded, "Thanks, people tell me that all the time."
My wife rolled her eyes so hard, I'm pretty sure her retinas detached.
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