I met a genie once. He gave me one wish. I said “I wish I could be you.”
The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."
Why was Sauron not as dark as Melkor?
Because Melkor was Morgoth
Finally - I got an amused smile from my wife after a Dadjoke/PunWe were on a bushwalk today and for several dozen meters I farted audibly - perfectly in synch with each step.
I commented, “Fart, Step, Fart, Step, Fart, Step ….. “ Then paused and said, “I guess that makes me a ‘step-farter’”
(I am actually a ‘step-father’ to her adult kids, so it seemed extra appropriate)
She actually gave an amused smile, when she normally groans or refuses to respond. Finally - a win!! Yes 🤜🏻🤛🏻🥳
Where do rappers keep their vegetables?
In the beet box.
I used to have a car with wooden body, wooden tires, wooden seats and wooden lights.
But I got rid of it, because it wooden start.
A priest, a doctor, and a golfer are waiting at a tee while a painfully slow group plays ahead of them.After watching them take forever, the golfer finally explodes:
“What is wrong with these guys?! They’re terrible!”
The caddy nearby says,
“Oh, you didn’t hear? That group is made up of firefighters who lost their sight saving people from a burning building. They play once a week.”
The priest bows his head and says,
“That’s so tragic… I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says,
“I know a specialist who might be able to help restore some vision.”
The golfer pauses, then says…
“Why can’t they just play at night?”
The other day I was out on a boat when a giant squid appeared and tried to make me laugh.
It was kraken jokes!
I lost my job at the bank on my first day.
When an old woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a tricycle?
Attire.
What kind of onion can bust a rhyme?
A rapscallion!
I hear the Shah of Persia runs his palace on Windows NT. But in the harem?
Only Unix allowed inside.
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back into port they can Scandinavian.
My boss said to me today, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many trains have you derailed so far?”
I said it’s hard to keep track
I sold my vacuum the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
Not to brag or anything, but I made six figures last year.
I was also named the worst employee at the toy factory.
What is made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
I can't think of any word that starts with N and ends with G.
Nothing in the English language starts with N and ends with G!
My sister is a bartender. She just broke up with her boyfriend..
But he keeps asking her for another shot
Did you hear about the microsurgeon who enjoyed performing quick surgeries on insects?
He has also done one on the fly.
How do you make antifreeze?
Just steal her blanket.
Whenever I want to start eating healthy...
A chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.
A physicist takes his son to the swimming pool. There, they see someone do an impressive dive off the high diving board.The boy tells his father that he wants to be a diver. Then he climbs up the ladder onto the high diving board, walks to the edge of the board, looks down, and then climbs back down the ladder.
“Dad,” he says, “it’s scary from that height. I don’t want to be a diver anymore.”
“Such a shame,” says the physicist. “You had a lot of potential.”
I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow..
I’ll try a grape.
I watched a stolen movie with a 3.14 star review
It’s pirated.
What's the worst thing about ancient history lessons?
The teachers tend to Babylon.
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