In England it's called a lift, but in America it's called an elevator.
I guess people are just raised differently.
I'm developing a game where you have to go back to assassinate Adam.
It's a first person shooter.
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but no lighter
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I’ve been putting up posters for my neighbour’s missing dog.
In his cool new bedroom at my house.
Do you know why the shopping place is called “the mall”?
Because instead of going to one store, you can go to them all.
William Tell
Everyone knows about William Tell, who was famous for his exceptional archery skills. But what people don’t know is that William and his entire family were also exceptional bowlers. Unfortunately, most of the records from that time have been lost so no one knows for whom the Tells bowled.
My daughter begged, “Dad, pleeease say something to make me laugh.” I said, “Mashed potatoes. Mac and cheese. Green bean casserole. Potato salad.” She tilted her head and said, “How’s that supposed to be funny?”
I said, “Sorry I’m really trying… all jokes a side.”
Daughter and I were getting cookies last nightShe’s concentrating really hard on picking the perfect pair of cookies for hers at the kiosk
me: Hey, I mustache you a question
her: (without looking) that’s terrible, you don’t even have a mustache.
me: I mustache you to look again
me: (holding a mustache sticker up to my face)
her: (cracks up, despite her best efforts) How long have you been hiding that sticker
me: I’d rather not say, it’ll shave me some embarrassment
her: ... ok. that was actually pretty good
Why did the magazine company go out of business?
They had too many issues.
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel?
An inn grown hare
It's ok to buy a nun a drink occasionally
But just make sure you don't get into the habit
I’ve read one page of Lord of the Rings, every day for more than ten years…
..I just can’t kick the hobbit
Why did 6 and 7 break up?
Because they make an unlucky pair
What’s worse than raining cats & dogs?
Hailing taxis
Why do cows wear bells
Because their horns won’t work
What do you call a flying nun?A bird? A plane?
Nope, Nun of the above!
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert?
Lost.
What do you call a cow that just had a calf ?
A moo-ther
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?” I replied, "Sure, why not?!" He smiled and said, “No problem sir!"
"Today is special!"
What you call it when a penny murders a dime and a nickel murders a quarter at the exact same moment?
Coincide.
I’m reading a novel where the main character has strained the muscles around his spine.
That’s his back story.
Why did Han Solo send his steak back?
Because it was Chewy.
I was gonna be a racecar driver…
But I didn’t stay on track.
A gingerbread man went to the doctor’s complaining of a sore knee.
The doctor asked him. “Have you tried icing it?”
The bodybuilder bee’s wife comes home and finds a letter from him.The letter says: “Honey, I’m sorry but I must leave you to pursue my dream of becoming a monk.”
Devastated, she meets with her friend at the bee bar and pours her heart out to her.
Her friend listens to everything and after she’s finished, the friend says:
“Well, to be honest I’m not surprised. He’s always been a strong bee leaver.”
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