I went to an alien orgy last night.
I don’t know what came over me.
My dad just finished making a model of Mount Everest.
I asked him if it was to scale... He said "No, it's to look at."
I walked into a bar in Germany and ordered a dry martini.The bartender looked at me funny asked, "Are you sure?"
I responded, "Absolutely!"
So he fixed me three martinis.
Why did the teddy bear want to stop eating?
It was stuffed
My friend was telling me about the time where she used to have implants.
They're just a distant mammary now.
What did Salvador Dali eat for breakfast each morning?
Surreal.
What state does the Mississippi River flow in?
Liquid
What award goes to the dentist of the year?
A little plaque
Knock knock joke my 5 year old came up with todayKnock Knock
Who’s there
interrupting goat
Interrupting go… he proceeded to headbutt me in the chest.
I was in a Christian Rock band but I got kicked out for using the wrong chords.
They said I needed to find Gsus4 a chance at redemption.
This girl on tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.
I told her I’m looking for matches.
Werner Heisenberg is driving down the highway when he gets pulled over by a police officer.The officer walks up to the window and asks, "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am!"
The officer, annoyed, says, "You were doing 85 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws up his hands and groans, "Great! Now I'm lost!".
What do they call a community where horses live?
A Neigh-borhood
I don’t like camping
It’s in-tents
I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens.
Money for nothing, and the chicks for free.
What do you call a joke made in the 5th month of the year?
A May Zing
The therapist asked the wife why she wanted to end her marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars Day puns.
The husband looked at the therapist and said, “Divorce is strong with this one!”
Why did Yoda move to the Dagobah System?
He wanted a constant reminder of the sound sheep make.
I got mugged by six dwarves last night
Not happy.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts.
It wasn't easy... It was a rocky road.
I told my son I didn't need his attitude right now.
He asked me when I needed it.
My dog ate a bag of Scrabble tiles.
Dropped him off at the vet. Still no word yet.
Patio BirdsA poultry-obsessed wife brings home two baby geese and promptly sets up their coop, pool, and feed on the back patio, stating they would be more comfortable there. She spends hours outside tending to, cooing at, and cuddling them ... much to the annoyance of her husband.
One day, he decides it would be better to show an interest in her new pets than sit alone on the couch. He sits next to her, grabs a piece of grass to feed them, and calls them over. They ignore him. Again, he tries calling and shaking the tasty morsel. Nothing. His wife blithely says, “They don’t understand you. They don’t speak English.”
Incredulous, the man retorts that they don’t speak any language. His wife replies, “Isn’t it obvious? They’re Porch-a-geese.”
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Cokey
But i turned myself around and that's what it's all about
Do you know the difference between a boy truck and a girl truck?
No? Strange. I thought most people knew about mail trucks.
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