My friend asked me if I could name two structures that hold water.
I was like “Well dam.”
In Star Wars Chewbacca is called chewy; Jabba the Hut is called Jabba. What is Luke Skywalker short for?
A stormtrooper
A man claims he has the smartest dog in the world. His friend doesn’t believe him.“Prove it,” the friend says.
The man points to his dog and says, “Go get me something to eat.”
The dog runs off and comes back with a sandwich.
“Lucky guess,” says the friend.
The man tries again: “Go get me something to drink.”
The dog runs off and comes back with a soda.
The friend is impressed but still skeptical.
“Alright… ask him something harder.”
The man nods and says, “What’s on top of a house?”
The dog barks, “Roof!”
The friend laughs. “That’s it? Any dog could do that!”
The dog looks at him and says,
“You wanted me to say shingles?”
To whoever stole my giant wall clock:
You messed up BIG time.
Mountains aren't funny
They're hill areas
My daughter bested me.We were a couple of towns over driving to her next away softball game. She's 10, and plays in junior league girls softball.
We pass by one of the older 70's/80's McDonald's with the outdoor playplace, with all the characters. She recognized Ronald, but that was it. She didn't know the others even existed, so I started explaining who everyone else was the best I could remember.
When I'm finished, she looks at me with a straight face and says; "Do you think Mayor McCheese had a 'beef' with the Hamburgler"?
Dammit kid. All these years, that one was right there. How did I not see it?
A man walks into a bar with his dog and asks for a drink, but the bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!"The guy, without missing a beat, says. "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "I'm sorry! Here, the first one's on me."
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua.
The first guys sees him, stops him and says, "You can't bring dogs in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar.
When he asks for a drink, the bartender says, "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The man replies, "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. Chihuahuas aren't seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
I had an argument with someone at the bar the other night who claimed that he was a big Pop star in the 80s.
I didn't believe him but he was very adamant.
A neurologist was diagnosing a man who had lost the ability to do basic math. "What's 9 plus 9?" "12". "What's 8 and 8?" "10". The doctor shook his head. "Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?" The man thought for a second and answered "1E".
"Aha, I've figured it out!" The doctor said. "Somebody's clearly put a hex on you."
Did you hear about the SCUBA diver who always took an extra tank with him?
He aired on the side of caution.
What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
Dam
A drunk says to a bartender "listen buddy -- you see that brass spittoon at the end of the bar? I'll bet you a hundred bucks I can take a piss, spinning around, and still get every drop in that spittoon." The bartender finds this ridiculous and says "it's a bet, you're on."So the drunk climbs up on the bar and unzips his pants. He starts to urinate, spinning wildly, and the urine flies everywhere. Not a single drop goes into the spittoon.
The bartender laughs and says, "Ha! I knew it! You owe me a hundred bucks!"
"Ahh, that's ok," says the drunk.
"See that frowning guy in the corner? I bet him a thousand bucks I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it..."
Apparently eating a sample strawberry in the produce section is fine…
But take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and suddenly it’s “Get Out!”
My vegan friend told me "that chicken you're eating had a family!"
I said "that's why I ordered the family bucket - nobody gets left behind."
I decided to become a gardener in the first week of Autumn
I'm going to be raking it in.
I was going to tell a railroad joke
But I lost my train of thought.
A man walks into a bar
Ouch
I’m going to visit cannibal island
I’m dying to see whats out there
Ghost hunter.
What kind of pants does a ghost hunter wear?
Just paranormal jeans.
Big Win
Got my 5year old a McDonalds shake. He said it’s a liquid, but it’s really thick. I told him it’s a thiquid. He told me why I was wrong and then said “Good one, Dad.” Top 3 Dad moments.
What generation was Forrest Gump's son?
Gen-A.
Look at this picture I took with R.E.M.
That's me in the corner
I noticed that everyone on my plane had a combover.
Never flying receding airlines again.
What did the dentist want inscribed on his tombstone?
I am filling my last cavity
A blind salesman comes to the door, what is he selling?
He sells Blinds. He's a blind salesman.
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