Went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole…
He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.
It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses.
A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded. Do you know of any others??
My suspicious wife asked how our lawn stays vibrantly green all year while the neighbors’ turn brown every winter. I said, “Well, I could try to convince you that I actually understand soil composition, or how I mastered the watering schedule all while studying mower blade sharpening techniques…”
“…but I dye grass.”
My girlfriend punched me in the face while she was on her period
I think she was just ovary acting
I stole someone’s marmalade
I didn’t like it though. It’s just not my jam
I accidentally handed my girlfriend the glue stick instead of the chapstick
She still isn’t speaking to me
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
He said no.
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch
I keep getting into it with my dentist who happens to also be a carpenter
They keep fighting me tooth and nail on everything
Very few people talk about the benefits of eating dried grapes
It's all about raisin awareness
I used to love chopping wood, but I can’t do it anymore.
It gives me a splitting headache.
Multiple reports claiming Sting has been kidnapped
The Police still have no lead.
What do you call a meteor that hits Earth?
A meteor, rite?
What is the fastest city in the world?
Velocity!
I’ve just finished reading a book called “how to clear leaves from your lawn”
By Ray King
I just found out I am colorblind
This news really came out of the purple.
Pumpkin.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a Jack o Lantern by its diameter ?
Pumpkin pi.
If you’re considering coloring someone’s hair as a career choice…
it’s a dyeing industry
Police are questioning people after a former star of Jersey Shore was found liquified in a vat of acid.
The Situation is fluid.
My kid asked if he could play some of my retro games.
I said "sure, you can".
What did Oliver Twist say at the campfire?
"Please, sir, I want s'more!"
I love going outdoors
It’s safer than going outwindows
I went to the doctor because I couldn’t wake my feet up.
His diagnosis? They’re coma toes
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet?
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.
Working at the US Mint definitely has pros and cons
For example, im making money, but the boss makes a dollar and i make a dime
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