I heard my daughter say from the other room "dad (sister)'s doing something she's not supposed to be doing!"
I responded with
me: is she Building a rocket or fighting a mummy?
6 year old: no
me: Or climbing up the Eiffel Tower?
6 year old no she is-
me: Discovering something that doesn't exist?
6 yo: no shes not doing that she is-
Me: giving a monkey a shower!?!
6yo no no
me: o i know she is Surfing tidal waves, creating nanobots or locating Frankenstein's brain?
6yo old: what?
me: Finding a dodo bird, painting a continent
Or driving her sister insane?
6yo: that one shes doing that one.
Does anyone have trouble remembering maine’s abbreviation
or is it just me?
What do you call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer.
I’m starting to understand why Yoda wanted to spend time on a swamp planet.
It makes the Dagobah faster.
Why are graveyards always so loud?
Cause of all the coffin.
What do you call someone who is late to work?
Mr. Bus
If your electrician..
..explains the fuse box, does he become a trip advisor?
If you go to a place and there's no white people
That place is cracka-lackin
I regret buying a second hand boomerang
It went back to the owner
I got fired from my job at the calendar factory
I didn’t even do any thing, I just took a day off
Brian Wilson walks into a bar."Round, round, get a round, I get a round."
I hope this joke gives you good vibrations.
How can you tell the sex of ants?
Just toss them in water. Ones that sink are girl ants, and ones that float are buoyant.
Had a Star Wars-related dream where nobody could count past two in French.
Yoda did say “deux or deux not, there is no trois”
Actors in Breaking Bad were encouraged to do drugs while on set
They were meth-od actors.
Lassie had a littler of puppies. One by one they were adopted: One became a master sheepdog, herding sheep to his heart's delight. Another became a champion athlete, setting world records at dog shows. The runt of the litter, though, waited weeks before finally being adopted by a honeydew farmer...
He was a little meloncollie
I got my blood drawn recently.
Great artist, niche subject matter.
I found money in my pasta sauce can but I ate it anyway......
......it was worth every penne.
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
What do you call a stoner in designer jeans
High fashion
Do you like my Halloween themed toothpaste?
It's called A Brush With Death
I thought I can never hit a high note
Until I stepped on a Lego barefoot and i nailed it!
Doorstep.
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep ?
Matt .
We were golfing with my father in law yesterday and his first drive sliced into the woods. Regardless he drove down the edge of fairway and told me to keep an eye out for it. Eventually we came across a ball but it wasn’t the brand he uses. He ended up playing it because…
he said he hit it so hard it changed brands.. lol 😂
Every time I am hiking with my kids and we see animal droppings, we pick through the droppings with a stick to see what the animal may have eatenI always say "I see a couple of seeds, but it looks like it mostly eats poop!"
Heard this first from Kevin Nealon,
I don't know if this is the right place to be sharing this but it wasn't easy for me growing up in that house. My mother worked for an insecticide making company and my dad was in the business of cleaning up hazardous waste.
It was such a toxic relationship.
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