I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159.
Then it just CLIX.
What's the highest religious festival in the Islamic Republic of Japan?
Ramendan.
My friend Joe is losing weight
He's on the Dolly Parton diet. It really makes Joe lean.
To whoever stole my glasses
I will find you,i have contacts.
Why did the witch go commando?
To get a better grip on her broom
I asked my wife if she’d hem my pants. She ripped them out of my hands and snapped, “Fine!” I said, “Whoa, what’s wrong?” She said, “Nothing.”
I said, “You seam angry…”
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records...
Then the librarian told me to take it out
A Mexican magician tells his audience that for his final trick of the evening he will completely vanish on the count of three...He then goes "¡Uno!" "¡Dos!" ...and suddenly *POOF!*
He disappeared without a Tres.
I’m currently writing a joke about a slight breeze
But it’s just a draft right now
Last request
Priest: Do you have any last requests? Murderer sitting in the electric chair: Yes. Can you please hold my hand?
A couple goes to a steakhouse for dinner.Server: How would you like your ribeye cooked?
Husband: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Server: Rare it is.
What did the two oceans say when they passed by each other?Nothing. They just waved.
Sea what I did there?
My GF told me she's leaving because of my obsession with health and safety.
I said, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."
My dog is a mathematical geniusI asked him "what is 2 minus 2".
He said nothing.
I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy
It’s not like I did anything
What do you call a German sommelier?
A botanist, because he loves vines!
I listened to my friends story about how he really hated living in the 21st largest state and everyday is agony for him...
I hope somebody would put him out of Missouri
A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husbands funeral. She said "Certainly."He stood up and said "Plethora"
and the woman said "Thanks, that means a lot."
So the former Pfizer building NYC is falling down
And not one structural engineer suggests a blue pill
What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
They are both meat substitutes
My relative signed the Declaration of Independence, right beneath John Hancock
Then the museum guards tackled him.
There will be one more Matrix movie where an older Neo finally takes the blue pill.
It’s called Matrix Res-erections.
Checked my bank balance because I was bored.
Now I'm bored and disappointed.
You want to hear what my dog told me?
He said, “No one is going to believe you.”
I tried to do my homework, but my pencil broke!
So it was pointless.
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