77% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 33% of intelligent people.
“Dad, can you explain how a solar eclipse works”?
“No son”
What does LGBTQIA+ stands for?
There's no straight answer
on his deathbed, a bald man made his kids promise to replant any trees cut down in the nearby forest...My hair is gone for good," he whispered, "but we must protect the trees so the forest never ends up as bare as my head."
His children kept the promise, and for centuries, generations of his family replanted every tree that fell, keeping the forest lush and green.
All thanks to one man and his re-seeding heirline.
What's brown, and rhymes with snoop?
Dr dre
Breaking News: Dallas Cowboys
Dallas Cowboys practice was delayed two hours today after a player found an unknown white powdery substance on the field. Jerry Jones immediately suspended practice and called the police. After analysis, experts confirmed it was the goal line. Practice resumed once officials decided the Cowboys were unlikely to see it again this season.
William Shatner has purchased his last Nissan truck
"it's the final Frontier" states Shatner
They say food can't call
But then, onion rings
Did you hear about the guy who baked himself into a giant French baguette?
He was in a lot of pain.
A friend of mine attempted to mate a male deer with a female cheetah.
He was trying to make a quick buck.
There’s a new ridesharing app in Russia
It’s called Pickup Andropov
"Son, if you're thinking of getting married, consider this before you do. On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring."
"On the other hand, you don’t!"
The past few mornings I woke up to find someone dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch...
I don’t know what to make of it...
I have girlfriends in many nations around this world.
Imagination, hallucination ...
Did you hear about the war between Old Navy and H&M?
It was horrible. There were so many casual tees.
How much space do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible
The roof on Mike’s Tavern was ripped off by a tornado.
Now Mike has a topless bar
You can’t be a Cubs fan in St. Louis
It’s a Cardinal sin
When the nurse said she’d be back with my flu vaccine, I asked if I could have it with the lights off. She said, “Um… I’ll have to check if we’re allowed to do that.”
I said, “Thanks. I know it’s a shot in the dark.”
I finally figured out how flamingos survive in the wild.
It’s because they have a leg up on the competition.
How many Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nun!
At one point, I was so desperate that I even dated a rock.
I determined it to be from the Paleozoic Era.
What do you call the mama cow after she gives birth to a baby cow?
De-calf-inated
Dad: When two people have sex, it's a twosome. When three people have sex, it's threesome
Son: Now I know why people call you handsome
We’re renovating our bathroom
Let that sink in
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