You can tell Donald Trump is a self-made man.He does everything himself. He pisses himself. He shits himself.
He can even go fuck himself.
What do you call a person who eats other people slowly?
A cannibble
Why is it so hard for woman to work in the postal Services?
Because its such a mail dominated industry
I showed my son the first computer I had as a child.
He gave me a puzzled look and asked, "How DOS it work?"
I was told after a vasectomy I wouldn’t have kids anymore…
…imagine my shock when I got home and they were still there!
A time traveller appears in a bar, taking half an hour to fully materialize
The bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, buddy... Why the long phase?"
Why is it so easy to weigh fish?
Because they have their own scales!
You can't drown in raw milk
If there's enough for you to drown... it must be past your eyes.
The Grill Comparison:
A husband rudely tells his wife, "Your butt is getting so big, it’s larger than our BBQ grill!" Later that night, he tries to initiate some romance, but his wife immediately shuts him down. When he asks what's wrong, she replies, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?".
Do you know what would be a great name for diarrhea medicine?
Gonorrhea
My kid texted me: “I just spilled bleach and baking soda all over the floor. What do I do??” I wrote back: “Throw a blanket over it.” A minute later he replied: “Okay… now what?”
I said: “Nothing. All our bases are covered.”
I'm in court tomorrow for stealing luggage...
I'm hoping it'll be a brief case.
Where would you find a peacock at a grocery store?
Next to the peanuts.
I can bench press 1000 pounds
Not all at once, of course. But lifting 50 pounds twenty times over three days, no problem!
I thought going to the zoo with my wife just to see the new baby deer would be boring.
But it was actually pretty fawn.
The Chinese man who invented the camera lens has passed away.
Rest in peace Zoo Min
What’s the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
One of them will mature and make money.
My car broke down halfway between my lake house and the Hallmark store.
My car broke down halfway between my lake house and the Hallmark store. I was stuck between a dock and a card place.
What's a foot-fetishist's favourite vehicle?
Toe Truck
Got tired of working with transistors…
Eventually started studying for a lower degree in the field of railway transportation. Graduated a semi-conductor.
A man walks in a bar and shouts “free beers outside!”So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.
The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man “what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!”
The man says “Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them”
I was walking past a farm and a sign said "Duck, eggs."
I thought: "that's an unnecessary comma - and then it hit me."
What do you call a plane full of bald people
Receding airlines
After dinner, I asked my date if she wanted to get a treat. She said, “Sure! …Dubai chocolate?“
I’m like, “Yeah I buy chocolate all the time.”
Our local bra store went out of business
I don’t know if it went tits up or tits down.
top
