What do you call a hooker who is great at keeping time?
Whorologist
What's the gender of a doorbell?
Male, because it has a ding dong.
My dog got into our scrabble box and ate a whole bunch of word tiles, we rushed her to the vet and are still waiting.
No word yet.
What do you call a mouse that swears?
A cursor
What do you call a hippie's wife?
Mississippi.
What kind of key can open a banana?
A monkey
I’m opening a funeral parlor for people of no specific faith and calling it
Die Agnostic Services
A trip to the grocery store
I was having a birthday party for my niece and wanted to make her cake, so I went to the grocery store. Much to my dismay, all of the baking items I needed were on top shelves, out of my reach. A Viking saw my predicament and asked if he could help by letting me sit on his shoulders to get what I needed. In just a few minutes, I had everything so he put me back down. I shook his hand, thanked him, then asked him his name but he said he didn't have one. I then realized...I'd been through the desserts on a Norse with no name.
I was dating a girl at the office named Lorraine…We had gone out for a while. A new cute girl named Claire Lee started working in our group. I really liked her but still liked Lorraine. After a month or so, Lorraine got transferred to another city.
It was fine. I can see Claire Lee now. Lorraine is gone.
Driver Instructor to driving student “ You are driving, there is an old woman and a young child in front of you, what do you hit?” Driving Student “ Well I guess I would hit the old woman, the child has their whole life ahead of them.”
Driver Instructor “You hit the Brakes!”
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket, you could say you were…
…independant. 🤣
My boss fired me from the auto parts store for stealing. I don’t know what his problem is. It was his idea.
Every day, he told me to make sure I take brakes.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
I recently went to a gas station in Minneapolis and I was surprised that they sold those big 2-liter bottles of Pepsi and Coca Cola.
Because in that state I thought they would only sell a mini soda.
At dinner, I told my date I was trying to figure out what her favorite hobby might be. She leaned in, pounded her fist on the table and yelled, “I MAKE JAM AND PUT IT IN TINY GLASS CONTAINERS!”
It was jarring.
Most knights during the Middle Ages were only moderately terrible.
They were mid-evil.
Why do bees stay in their hives over winter?…
…swarm. 🤣
What do you call a bee that can’t make up it’s mind?
A maybe
My wife and I decided we didn't like sleep, we hated having a clean house and didn't want any money to spend on ourselves.
So we decided to have three kids.
I can’t believe someone broke into my house and stole all my fruit…
…I am peachless!
What do you call a hooker with a teeth fettish?
Prostitooth
I wanted to work in a warehouse so I became a mountaineer.
But even after climbing all sorts of mountains and cliffs, they still wouldn't hire me. I don't understand, I'm four cliffed certified like they asked.
What’s the difference between Elon Musk and a Lemur?
Elon made electric cars, lemur madagascar.
I am a Dad Jokes black belt.
Barista: "Can I have a name, please?"
Me: "Didn't your parents give you one?"
Knock knock
- Who's there?
- To.
- To who?
- No it's 'to whom'.
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