“Dad, I’m struggling. I just found out I lost my job. My girlfriend broke up with me, I’m three months behind on rent, my car got repossessed, and I barely have enough money to eat. I haven’t slept in days, I feel like my whole life is falling apart, and I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.”
“Hi Struggling, I’m Dad.”
What do you call a child who starts screaming or crying when you put him/her in Santa's lap?
Claustrophobic
Why did the dyslexic take a fishing pole to the bathroom?
He had to take a carp.
What do you call it when Frankenstein prepares potatoes?
Monster mash.
What is a scarecrow's favorite fruit?Straw-berries
Happy Halloween y'all!
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?Sham-boo.
(Happy Halloween everyone)
A genie gave me 1 wish, and I said I just want to be happy,
now I am living in a cottage with 6 other dwarves and working in a mine......
After dinner, I asked my wife, "if chatting alot means you're chatty...After dinner, I asked my wife,
"if chatting alot means you're chatty, and giggling alot means you're giggly, then what's the word for someone who is cooking alot?"
Wife: "cookie?"
Me: Yes please with milk
What do you call a really fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces.
For example: I'm going to the beer store, and I'm scared it will be closed.
What are haikus forI dont see the point of them
Seems useless i think
how do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
one will see you later, the other will see you in awhile.
According to Bobby Vee, what's the longest word in the English language?
Night - because it has a thousand "i"s.
A friend of mine got a part in a Broadway play about the mafia
Would it be bad luck if I told him to break a leg?
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend.
She was obsessed with an X.
To those suffering from the need for instant gratification at all times
Come back here in a week for tips to get over it
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
Because they don’t have the guts. 💀😂
A man walks into a shop and asks the shopkeeper: “Do you have any of those round batteries?”The shopkeeper responds: “Is it for a clock?”
“I don’t know”, says the man, “that’s why I need the batteries!”
My wife told me that when she passes, she want me to marry Lauren.I asked, "Why? I thought you said you hated her."
She said, "I know."
The inventor of the 'knock knock' jokes was finally honoured..
.. with a no bell prize.
I tried to get my printer to copy my dad jokes.
It refused. Said they weren't worth repeating.
Went shopping today, and couldn't remember whether I needed beer and eggs. So to be safe I bought both.
Six of one and half a dozen of the other.
An Engineer was unemployed for a long time.He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get $1,000.”
One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “This is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”
Doctor: “But this is $500…”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
I wanted to yell at my Jedi Master for undermining me in front of the Jedi Council...
but I decided to let Qui-gons be Qui-gons.
Why don't ants get sick?
They have anti-bodies.
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