A young man was not having much success in dating women, so he went to the library to find a book on romance. He checked out one called "How to Hug." It wasn't much help.
It turns out he checked out volume 14 of an encyclopedia.
At first, I didn't think a brain transplant could ever work.
But recently, I've changed my mind.
My wife texted from workHer…Are you watching that new serial killer documentary on Netflix?
Me…I am…just started episode 3
Her…Great, pause it at 21 minutes and 8 seconds
Me…Ok, paused, it’s at the crime scene in the living room
Her…Right! Do you see the blood spatter on the wall near the fireplace?
Me…Yeah, it’s pretty gruesome
Her…Look just to the left of the fireplace mantle…do you see where the natural light is hitting the wall?
Me…Yes
Her…That’s the exact shade of sage green I want for the guest bathroom
A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6.
He seemed irritated when I answered:
"Kindergarten"
How much does a rainbow weigh?
Almost nothing, it's pretty light.
Why was the gay lawyer so popular?
He got a lot of guys off
My waiter at a fancy restaurant looked confused when I asked if they could put the roasted mallard on top of the caviar.
When he asked “Why?” I said, “I’m trying to get my ducks in a roe.”
Did my first nude painting yesterday…
The neighbours weren't happy but the front door looks great!
A fisherman and his wife welcomed their twin sons into the world. For a while, they struggled to come up with names for the boys, but one day they noticed that one boy was always looking toward the sea, the other away, so they named their sons Toward and Away.A few years later, when the boys were old enough, the fisherman decided to teach them the family trade. So he packs up the boat, kisses his wife goodbye, and goes out to sea with his sons.
Years pass without their return. One day, at the market, the wife sees a man she recognizes as her husband. She asks him.
"Where are the boys?"
"Oh, it was horrible!" The father exclaimed, distress in his voice. "Just days after we left, Toward caught a huge fish. But the fish was relentless and fought back. They wrestled on the waves for days, before Toward's strength failed him, and the fish swallowed him whole!"
"Oh god!" The wife exclaims, "That's horrible!"
"You think that's bad?" The father asks, "You shoulda seen the one that got Away."
I have been reading up on decolonization
Honestly, its unsettling.
Someone insulted my honor for being foreign born, so I got naturalized to fight him.
Now I’m a duel citizen.
You know how people dealt with excess humidity before they had electricity?
People had to use dehumidifires back then.
Why are gay dating sites so popular?
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure
Cottage cheese isn’t really cheese
Just a curd to me
I named my dog “Gilligan” because he has, well, he has a VERY noisy wagger!!
So just sit right back and you'll hear a tail...
How come China and the USSR never had good soccer teams?
Their players draw too many red cards.
Family generations successively having fewer and fewer kids
is called a receding heirline
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow.
THIS JUST IN: It’s been reported that some vandals made a hole in the fence surrounding the nudist colony.
Police are looking into it
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I’m still not sure why she wants me to urinate on a skeleton.
Been getting really into watering the new landscaping…
My wife doesnt think it’s funny when I say “I’m going outside to run through some hose”
Sat around my dad’s hospital bed last night, the Dr reported “I have some bad news & I have some good news.”“What’s the bad news?” asked my dad.
”Your legs are going to have to be amputated.” replied the Dr.
”What’s the good news then?” I piped up.
”The bloke in the bed next door wants to buy your dads‘s slippers.”
Deodorants.I think wearing two different deodorants is a brilliant idea…
One under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
To save money on a coffin, buy a pen from Amazon...
and use the box it came in.
My granddaughter just told me that she got a Nintendo switch.
I asked “How did you turn on your Nintendo before that?”
top
