I'm never donating blood again! They ask way too many questions...
Who's blood is this? Where did it come from? Why is it in a bucket?!
My doctor recommended a brain transplant.
At first I said no but then I changed my mind.
What happens, when you're naked in public and the elevator doesn't work?
You'll encounter stairs.
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
What's the difference between a dad joke and an athletic rabbit?
One's a bit funny and the other is a fit bunny.
My wife says I insult cheese too much
But I dissabrie
My friend went bald years ago but still carries around an old comb with him…
…he just can’t part with it! 🤣
What do you call a swimming flamingo?
Flamboyant
Why does lettuce go to the gym a lot?
It was trying to get shredded 🥬
When I play with my dog, he's always conflicted about wanting the ball to be thrown but also not giving up the ball...
It's a real Fetch 22.
My son’s doctor called in a panic and exclaimed, “You need to get to my office immediately! I have dire news.” Very worried, I rushed over to find out what was so critical.When I arrived, he explained, “After a careful review of your son’s charts, I believe that he won’t grow past five feet tall. I’m very sorry to have to deliver this bad news.”
I asked, “OK, but why was this such an emergency? Couldn’t this meeting have waited a few days?”
He answered, “I thought you’d want to know now, although I’m sorry about the short notice.”
How different is beer from soda?
Barley.
I offered some performance enhancing drugs to a couple storm troopers.
But those were not the roids they were looking for.
Did you know Albert Einstein died from a blood clot in the brain?
It was a stroke of genius.
I've always thought of myself as a rather decent punster.So I decided to submit ten of my best puns to a contest and see if any of them would garner a prize. Sadly...
No pun in ten did.
I found a record with no label the other dayWhen I played it, it was just numbers being called out in decending order
Thats when I realised it was the vinyl countdown
I told my half-deaf friend I wanted to be a Tax Attorney.
And I was horrified to find out she got me roadkill.
Ran my first 5km today
Got a personal best
How do you know which kidney to donate?
The right one
Why shouldn’t you sneeze in public?
Because people will turn to look Achoo 🤧
I’ve had my filling of dentists jokes…
…and optician jokes are even cornea
What's a car mechanic’s favorite type of math?
differential equations!
What do you call a contortionist with the flu?
A sick, twisted individual.
I got laser eye surgery a week ago.I'm asking for a refund.
I still can't shoot lasers out of my eyes.
I am now referring to scrambled eggs as "Restless Egg Syndrome"
That is all.
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