Where do mansplainers get their water?
From a well, actually.
I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up.
That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.
This just happened in real life, and I got not even a chuckle.True story: the wife and I were walking in Target this evening. We were walking in the clothing section, behind an employee who was moving a mannequin. Out of nowhere the whole arm pops off, and the poor woman can’t bend to pick it up because… ya know… she’s holding the rest of the mannequin. So I walk up, grab the limb while she’s looking around for another employee to help, hold it out to her and say…
“Here, let me give you a hand”
She took it. No laughter. My wife? Nothing. So I am posting here in the hopes that my genius will be appreciated. Keep getting those dad jokes in the wild, folks.
What bird doesn't have kids ?
Swallow
If farmer A sells apples and farmer B sells bananas… What does farmer C sell?
Medicine.
What kind of car does Captain Obvious drive?A Maz-
duh. Or a Hon-duh.
I told my GF that I have a half brother living near Sydney Harbour in Australia. Different dads?she asked.
I said no, shark attack.
I worked as an underwear model…
It was just a brief job.
I was shocked to read a local dentist was arrested for dealing drugs. I’d been going there for years…
I didn’t know he was a dentist.
Why don't cats ever get summoned for Jury Duty?
Because they'd be guilty of Purrjury
"Doctor, I have a passionate dislike for the Backstreet Boys."
Psychiatrist: "Tell me why."
Who was the dirtiest New York Rangers player in the 90s?Well, Brian Leetch was certainly untidy but…
Mark was Messier.
What do wives and Google have in common?
They won't let you finish a sentence before giving you suggestions.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y
After devouring several luxury hotels, Godzilla developed cavities.
The dentist told him he'd been eating too many suites.
Today in the kitchen I was late with the sauces
Don't worry, I'll catch up
Just found out they make a version of WhatsApp for seniors.
It's called "What?!"
Gym.Me: "I'm still tired from all the crossfit this morning."
My co-worker: "It's pronounced 'croissant' and you ate 4 of them."
I did a sponsored walk once. In the end, I’d managed to raise so much money
I could afford a taxi.
I just heard that Neil Diamond has just sold his car on ebay...
Its a sweet car online
I have a step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
I really wanted to be in our church play about the guy that kills his brother.
But I was busy that day and I wasn't Abel :(
I was sleeping in my hotel when the phone rang at 6 AM. It was the front desk, and she told me i need to go apologize to my parents and repair our relationship before they die of old age, and I regret it forever.
It was a real wake up call.
What is a salad's favorite song?
Lettuce Be" by the Beanles.
What do you get when you cross a tramp with a mummy?
A bum wrap.
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