I went to an alien orgy last night.
I don’t know what came over me.
My dad just finished making a model of Mount Everest.
I asked him if it was to scale... He said "No, it's to look at."
My friend was telling me about the time where she used to have implants.
They're just a distant mammary now.
What state does the Mississippi River flow in?
Liquid
I was in a Christian Rock band but I got kicked out for using the wrong chords.
They said I needed to find Gsus4 a chance at redemption.
What award goes to the dentist of the year?
A little plaque
I walked into a bar in Germany and ordered a dry martini.The bartender looked at me funny asked, "Are you sure?"
I responded, "Absolutely!"
So he fixed me three martinis.
Werner Heisenberg is driving down the highway when he gets pulled over by a police officer.The officer walks up to the window and asks, "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am!"
The officer, annoyed, says, "You were doing 85 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws up his hands and groans, "Great! Now I'm lost!".
I don’t like camping
It’s in-tents
What do you call a joke made in the 5th month of the year?
A May Zing
What do they call a community where horses live?
A Neigh-borhood
I told my son I didn't need his attitude right now.
He asked me when I needed it.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts.
It wasn't easy... It was a rocky road.
Knock knock joke my 5 year old came up with todayKnock Knock
Who’s there
interrupting goat
Interrupting go… he proceeded to headbutt me in the chest.
My son’s joke setup/question: “what is our car’s favorite food?”
Gasserole! (He didn’t appreciate it… yet)
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
Do you know the difference between a boy truck and a girl truck?
No? Strange. I thought most people knew about mail trucks.
What kind of pants does a ghost hunter wear?
Just a paranormal jeans.
Monday and Tuesday are Star Wars Day and Cinco de Mayo...
For those who wish to celebrate with alcohol, just get a 1 Liter bottle of tequila. That way, you can drink a fourth on the 4th, and you'll still have a fifth for the 5th.
How does a mathematician navigate the supermarket?
The same as everyone else: with Descartes.
My friend lost a lot of money when he opened his liquor store.
I tried to tell him to prepare more for it as it was mostly a whiskey business.
I once met Tom Hanks... I asked him for his autograph.
All he wrote was "Thanks." So rude...
Why was 6 afraid of 7?He had been a quiet number before the war. Rounded edges. Dependable. The kind of digit you could put in a multiplication table and trust to come home. But then the call came, and 6 was shipped far from the clean lines of arithmetic, deep into the humid, unforgiving jungle.
The enemy was everywhere.
The 7s did not fight like civilized numbers. They did not line up neatly in equations. They slipped between the trees at odd angles. They appeared in the mist, sharp and angular, then vanished before anyone could carry the one. They left behind signs carved into bark: 7 > 6.
At first, 6 laughed it off. “It’s just psychological warfare,” he told 5.
But 5 who'd been deployed earlier, wasn't laughing.
After that, 6 began hearing them everywhere. In the rustle of fractions. In the snapping of twigs. In the long silence between subtraction problems. The 7s had mastered fear. They knew that the worst thing you could do to a number was not erase it, but make it doubt its place value.
One morning, their commanding officer, Captain 8, told them they were advancing toward Base 10.
“We go in clean,” said 8. “No remainders.”
But the jungle had other plans.
The 7s had set traps: repeating decimals, unsimplified fractions, word problems with unnecessary trains. By noon, the whole unit was disoriented. By evening, nobody knew whether they were greater than, less than, or equal to anything anymore.
6 made it back, technically.
But not really.
After the war, he tried to return to normal math. He stood in number lines. He attended group worksheets. He even tried dating 4 for a while, but whenever anyone mentioned “rounding up,” he went silent.
Then one day, at a neighborhood barbecue, a 7 walked in.
Tall. Lean. Pointed.
6 froze.
Someone said, “Hey, why is 6 afraid of 7?”
6 stared across the yard, gripping his paper plate with white knuckles.
And in a voice barely above a whisper, he said:
“Because you weren’t there, man.”
What do Germans put so much food on that it causes earthquakes?
Teutonic plates.
There's this girl I've been playing lawn games with a bit lately
It's a pétanque relationship.
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