A guy was bragging to a co-worker about how hot his wife was...
He was going on and on about how incredibly beautiful she looked and that anyone else would be lucky to land a woman as gorgeous as his wife. Finally, the co-worker manages to get a word in: "Oh, yeah? If you think your wife is hot, then you should see my wife." "Why's that? Is she a stunner, too?" "No, she's an optometrist."
My 8 year old told me this: what do trees really like to drink?
Root beer. I'm proud of him.
What is a pirate's least favorite letter?Dear Sir/Ma'am,
We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:
Illegal Downloading
So many people these days are too judgmental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Who is between N and Q?
Me
Why weren’t the pants allowed in school?
Because they were suspended.
Two blondes talking. One says "I just took a pregnancy test"
The other replies "Were the questions hard"
My coworker thought he was a lightbuld, so our boss sent him home.
I also went home. I can't work in the dark.
Somebody left an unlabeled box of random parts from IKEA at my door, with no instructions.
I’m not quite sure what to make of it.
Someone told me that the moon landing was staged, and I agreed 100%
I said "because that's how all orbital rocket work dude!"
I asked the librarian if they had books on paranoia.
She whispered, “They’re right behind you."
Al Gore should have started a smooth jazz band.
Could have called it "Al Gore Rhythms"
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"
I know he means well...
What did the electrician's wife say when her husband came home late from work?
Wire you insulate
What do you call a person who doesn’t have a body or a nose?
Nobody knows .
Missouri has the most bordering states (8, tied with tennessee) out of any of the 50 United States of America.
You know what they say, Missouri loves company.
What is the technical term for a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny.
I just realized I have a superpower.I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them.
It takes a while though.
The Earth is flat!
It is mostly covered in non carbonated water.
I went out with a woman into a flying house with a lot of colourful ballons carrying it.
You could call that an update.
Always been average myself, its kind of my thing.
Some say, I'm mean.
My son just told me he wants to be a tank driver when he grows up
I told him I wouldn't stand in his way.
My friend in Quebec is a heavy drinker…
In fact he drank Canada Dry
I spent all my money on 18th century music.
Now im baroque
A cappuccino made with alpaca milk?
Al Pacino
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