My wife looked out the window and asked, “How did you finally get our lawn to grow like that?” I said, “Every morning this week, I sprinkled my protein powder on the wet grass.”
She nodded. “Ah… well that was whey over dew.”
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter
Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer.
Thereisnospacebar.
What's the worst series to make a Lego version of?
One Piece
I crossed cheetah and crab DNA.
It went sideways really fast.
I started brewing my own beer, Lumberjack
It's a lager
What’s the difference between a foot and a yard
You can’t shit on your neighbor’s foot in the middle of the night.
What’s a good last name for a Bear
Withmeplease
I just opened up a new archeological museum. What is it called?
Remains to be seen...
What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A necktarine!
I was arrested for playing loud music in my garden. I was charged with disturbing the peas.
This weekend's forecast calls for rane, hale, gailz, drissle, thun-durr, litneen, hy-tydes, tawnaydoes, and frizzing colde...
Looks like a really bad Spell of weather.
i asked my date to meet me at the gym but she ghosted me
i don't think we're gonna work out
Who designs all the buildings in the oceans?
Sharkitects.
Why did the zombie cross the road?
Because he was dying to eat you.
A guy hurt his back while at the computer.
He had a slipped disc.
A question about keyboards with the UK layout.
Do they have a spacepub?
A male e-reader and a female e-reader went to couples therapy.
In hopes to rekindle that relationship.
What do you call it when two monkeys get together and find out they're perfect for each other?
Prime mates.
MY FRIEND WAS SO EMBARRASSED when he passed gas around me! I told him that it’s REALLY ok, and that, well...
To air is human
There is a small area at my local dog park where, without exception, every dog that walks there starts barking. I feel bad for them.
I think they're going through a ruff patch.
There’s a new white rapper coming out, he’s even whiter than Eminem.
Calls himself SPF Fifty.
What did the spices say when they were late for dinner?
I'm cumin!
My girlfriend told me that sex is much better on vacation.
That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.
Report on the Recent Security BreachEsteemed members of the board,
You have tasked me to discover how our main competitor beats us to the punch on every new product, sometimes copying our designs even before they go into manufacture.
My conclusion is they have infiltrated a spy into the very top echelons of our organization. After painstaking investigation I have reduced the possible suspects to four: Alistair, Nigel, Simon and Basil.
Ladies and gentlemen, one of these four men is a plant.
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