Bought one of those ‘smart light switches’ but it was much too clever
So I replaced it with a dimmer switch
My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...
On the first day of our family trip up the coast of Maine, my son pointed and said, “Dad, look! There’s a lighthouse!”
I said, “No, son… it’s actually pretty heavy.”
Most people are shocked
Whenthey find out how bad i am as an electrician
"That's a nice ham you got there." The butcher said...
"Would be a shame if I put 's' in front of it and 'e' at the end..."
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
“You know… one would’ve been enough.”
TIL the movie Hereditary was named as such because of how certain things are passed thru bloodlines
… not because her head hit a tree …
I am not saying I'm attractive
But when I take off my clothes in the bathroom.... I turn the shower on
If you see a crime at an apple store.
Does that make you an iWitness?
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids weren’t much to look at either.
Is it just me, or is everyone on this sub good looking?
Nope. Guess it's just me.
My local bird sanctuary banned me from telling dad jokes.
The last one killed two birds with one groan.
I lost my job because of illness and fatigue.
My boss was sick and tired of me.
Why Should You Never Marry a Tennis Player?
Because Love means nothing to them
I tried to get a loan to write a book about trigonometry
But I couldn’t get anyone to cosine
I shoplifted a hat and forgot to take the label off.
Now I've got a price on my head.
My neighbor asked if I wanted to come over and see his new chocolate lab.
I said, “No thanks… I’ve never cared much for candy science.”
[NSFW] Wifey told me she tried anal with a baguette.
Apparently it was a pain in the ass.
Do you know what it's called when an illness copies the symptoms of the black death?
Plague-rism
I think it’s a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
I used to run game night for psychically gifted children
It was mind boggling
Microsoft had the holo-lens, Google had the Google glass
Apple missed the mark with naming theirs. Should have been iBrowse
I can answer any question. Any question in the world!What? No you can't! I can think of plenty of things you can't answer!
Yes I can. I can answer ANY question!
Oh yeah? what is the capital of Liechtenstein?
I don't know.
I saw a film that was G, PG-13, and R all at once.
That movie was so overrated.
Getting new shoes is a big commitment.
It takes a lot of sole searching.
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