I hired a painter to do a family portrait, but he keeps drawing us as Star Trek villains.
Turns out he’s a Khan artist.
I asked my wife to pass me a cookie and she answered: "I think you have a weight problem."
So I said: "I know. I still wait for that cookie."
I told a joke to a Hawaiian, to try and make him laugh, but I don't think he liked it.
He just let out a low "ha."
What’s Santa’s favorite metal band?
Sleigh-er.
A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up medication for her sick husband. When she got back to the car, she found she’d locked her keys inside.The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his bike and asked if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my husband is sick and was in such a rush I forgot my keys in the car. Can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man."
The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday. I was in for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent a professional!”
What did the ghost put on its bagel?
Scream Cheese
If anyone gets a DM from me about canned meat, don't open it!
It's spam
I accidentally erased my wife’s audiobook.
Now I’ll never hear the end of it!
What is faster than an escalater?...
An escanow!
Where do rainbows go when they're bad?To prism.
It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
I caught my son outside eating electric cables.
I had to ground him. Currently his attitude isn’t at all positive.
There was a time Chuck Norris hit a horse with uppercut.
That's how giraffes got created.
Two fish in a tank
One says: ‘How do you drive this thing'
How do you make a hormone?Don't pay her
My Dad's joke to me as an 8yr old in 1982, my scientific mind was going!
I went to a restaurant that fuses Chinese and middle eastern cuisine.
It’s called “Wok like an Egyptian”.
What do you call a broke Santa Claus?
Saint Nickel-less
I met my wife during a car accident…
I kept trying to avoid her but she kept hitting on me!
My grandma has the heart of a lion
And a life time ban from the zoo
How do you remove alcohol from wine?
Use your liver.
Why did frosty the snowman pull down his pants?
He heard the snow blower was coming!
What's the most inquisitive creature?
An askalotyl.
I was at a concert the other day and there were two lines.
I didn't know which was which, so I asked the guy in the back if it was the line for the bathroom, or the line for beer? He just looks at me and hits me in the face. "This is the punchline"
How did the Egyptian Priests Deal with their peoples hunger problem?
They put their top Ra men on it.
I hired a female sheep to distribute advertisements for my flower arranging business...
...because only ewe can present florist flyers.
What do you get when you trying to cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic
About halfway
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