Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”
Every once in a while I wake up grumpy
But most mornings I just kiss her on the cheek, go to work, and let her sleep in
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe...A few hours pass and they decide it's time to finish up.
They're extremely drunk and they stand up to leave but the giraffe falls over and passes out.
The man staggers to the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"
The man stops and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He says, “A beer for me, and one for the road.”
Did you hear about the shuttle full of Elvis impersonators that crashed in Las Vegas
No one was hurt but they were all shook up
When I inherited part of my dad’s fortune, I called my sister and asked, “Did he give money to you too?”
She answered, “Why would he do that? He never even listened to their music!”
A national wide cyber security alert has been issued. If you receive a email with the subject line "Canned meat" .
Do not open it .Its spam
Why does a milking stool only have three legs?Because the cow has the udder.
(I never see this one here - maybe the bots will pick it up.)
A woman walks into a gynecologists office. She asks if it will be a routine appointment.
The doctor replied: “Don’t worry. I’m just checking boxes.”
I was asked to run a marathon recently, but said hell no. But my mate told me it was for blind and handicapped kids.
I thought for a while and thought, yeah, why the hell not, I could easily win that race.
A weasel goes into a bar. The bartender says “Interesting. I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
I started a business selling mirrors.
I could really see myself doing it.
What do you call an iron clad horse?
A knight mare
Today, for breakfast, I had waffles; for lunch, I had Cheez-Its; for dinner, I ate tofu blocks; and for dessert, I ate brownies.
I had four square meals today.
A lawyer goes into a bar.The bartender says, "What can I get you?"
"Pop" goes the weasel.
I went into a bank with a load of posters saying “This is a robbery”.
I said "stick 'em up".
A law student goes into a bar
They walked out a lawyer.
Why doesn’t Ronaldo ever have to clean his room?
Because he’s not Messi ⚽️
Why did the scarecrow get a raise?
He was outstanding in his field
My wife worships me.
She places burnt offerings before me every single night
I once dated a girl that turned out to be a communist.
I should have known better, there were red flags everywhere.
I was visiting my Chinese neighbour, Mr. Chiu, when my wife called me.-Where are you?
-At Chiu.
-Bless you!
My university has spent 200 years researching roaming cattle.
This year, they’re celebrating their bison-tennial.
In college I took a class on humility and failed it.
Which was strange because the work I did in it was absolutely genius.
How do you combine things underwater?
By submerging them
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