I sent my son to his room when he said Jim Morrison wasn't a good musician.
We don't slam The Doors in this house.
While out Christmas shopping with my wife, she asked why I bought myself cut-off shorts, a fishnet crop top, and rainbow fingerless gloves.
I looked at her and sang, “Dawn… we now own gay apparel.”
I'm a woodworker and I make seven figures a year.
It's starting to look like I won't ever make any real money unless I learn to carve them faster.
When the comedian fell off the building, nobody laughed...
But the sidewalk sure cracked up.
What kind of birds are well known for sticking together?
Vel-crows.
What happens when a microscope crashes into a telescope?
They kaleidoscope.
My wife was trying on a new dress when she said, “Why do you keep staring at my boobs?”
I said, “To upload them to my mammary bank.”
I heard that Pablo Escobar's hippopotami were able to use the toilet.
But i think this is a hippo potty myth
Farmer did not like the joke I made about the smell when milking the cows.
I guess they are sensitive about their dairy air.
Mariah Carey is opening her Xmas PresentInside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential.
Disappointed, she set the deed down and says.. "I don't want a lot for Christmas"
A man got eaten by a shark on his honeymoon
He didn't suffer long. He was only married for a week.
I ate a kid's meal at the airport today
His mom was very angry at me
What do you call an unidentified gingerbread man?
JOHN DOUGH
Christopher Walken wanted to take his wife to a fancy restaurant. He called to see if he needed a reservation
The hostess told him all walk ins are welcomed.
What do the r/brucewillis and the r/taylorswift subreddits have in common?
They're both full of die-hard fans
I told a joke in a video conference but no-one laughed
Guess I am not remotely funny
What do you call polite attire?
Civil suits.
Wholesome is a weird word
Which one is it!?
What do you call clothes made from rubber wheels?
A tire.
Why's the universe still expanding?
Everything's fleeing Chuck Norris
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman
Have you ever tried sardines?
They’re a little fishy.
I told the Teacher she needs to ask me a much harder question than what are the 5th, 26th, 16th and 26th letters of the alphabet.
Because that's E Z P Z
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
Because if they fell forwards they'd land in the boat
Ever wonder what kind of doctor Dr. Pepper was?
A fizzician!
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