Back in the '80s, punctuation and lizards were very important.
Comma, comma, comma, comma, chameleon...
My wife is furious with me because she found a bunch of hidden letters that revealed I was cheating on her.
Now she refuses to play Scrabble at all.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
Smoking in HeavenA guy is at the Pearly Gates and he sheepishly asks St. Peter if smoking is allowed in heaven. "Well technically yes but..." Oh wow! Really?! Can I have one now?!
'Ok.Reach into your pocket' came the exasperated reply.
Sure enough a full package of his favorites were right there. But then he realizes he needs a light. He flicks his thumb at St. Peter asking for a lighter.
St. Peter says 'Here we go...!
Suddenly thousands of Angels begin singing, an epic parade of the Heavenly Host march towards him with all kinds of pomp and circumstance. Then at the end of the long line of drummers, flag bearers, and horn blowers, one little cherub brings his request on a tiny silken pillow.
The man, completely stunned by what just happened stares at St. Peter trying to get a clue and St. Peter shrugs says
"What'd you expect? It's a match made in Heaven."
I'm developing a game where you have to go back in time to assassinate Adam.
It's a first person shooter.
My wife said the house was haunted.
I've lived here 300 years, I didn't notice anything unusual.
How do you make an elephant float?
2 scoops of ice cream and one elephant.
My girlfriend said I don't give her enough privacy.
At least that's what it said in her diary.
What do you call a partially blind dinosaur?
Yathinkhesaurus
What’s the difference between a horse and a pony?
About half a gallon of high quality glue
My wife flew into a rage because I kept making Monty Python references
I said "will this be a 5 minute argument or the full half hour?"
I was surprised to learn that mime-on-mime violence is a growing concern..
Apparently we just never hear about it.
Why do porcupines win all the games?
Because they always have the most points!
Why was the elephant not able to become a brain surgeon?
He was not allowed to enroll in the Hippo Campus.
Prince Charming in divorce courtSnow White and Prince Charming in Divorce Court…
Judge: So, you want a divorce because your wife is too moody?
Prince: No, I said last night
I came home and she was feeling Happy, then she was feeling Grumpy, then she was feeling Bashful, then she was feeling Sleepy…
A blind man walks into a bar...And then a table,
then a chair.
Do you know why i never trust stairs?
Because they are always up to something
Why can't Celsius play basketball?
Because it wouldn't be Fahrenheit!
What do you call a typo on a tombstone?
A grave mistake
3 sisters married 3 brothers3 sisters married 3 brothers, one day the 3 brothers went off to work leaving the 3 pregnant sisters at the eldest brother's and eldest sister's home.
The sisters got to chatting and realised that their husbands were taking care of them all too well and not letting them do much work. So they decided to change that and set about doing odd jobs all over their houses to say thank you to their husbands for all that they do.
After painting her kitchen, the eldest sister went into labour and after a few pushes bore a baby apple, the second sister, after rewiring the garage, went into labour and gave birth to a baby banana, the 3rd sister, after landscaping the back garden, gave birth to a baby orange.
The sisters were all shocked and met together to congratulate their hard work and discuss their new babies. When the 3 brothers came home, they were welcomed in by the 3 sisters who said..
“Come, see the fruits of our labours.”
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.
A guy walked into a bar
He said “Ouch”
What makes dog breath smell so bad?
Bark-teria
A woman takes a sip of her coffee and winces at how terrible it is...
She calls her lawyer: "This coffee my husband made is so bad it's a crime." The lawyer replies "Bring out the coffee dregs, please..." She does as told. "What you have in you hand, ma'am," the lawyer continues, "is "grounds for divorce".
Job interview.
At the job interview, they asked me,
"Where do you see yourself in five years?"
I told them , "I think we'll still be using mirrors in five years."
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