I sat down for dinner at a restaurant and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?” I replied, "Sure, why not?!" He smiled and said, “No problem sir!"
"Today is special!"
How does Moses make his morning coffee?
He-brews it.
I was a victim of a kidnapping today.
I made that little shit get off my lawn!
What does the gingerbread man put on his bed?
Cookie sheets.
The megalophobia subreddit is getting more and more followers each day.
If it gets too big, I’ll have to leave.
My wife got hooked on protein powder.
In the end, she passed a whey.
How does a mother become single?
When she moves father away.
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was shocked.
Mom used to feed me alphabet soup because she said I really liked it -- I didn't though,,,
she was just putting words in my mouth.
What do The White House and skinny jeans have in common?
No ball room.
Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"?
Because every play has a cast
I just learned that watermelons have big weddings
because they cantaloupe…
So, the world’s greatest piano tuner was a Scandinavian hermit named Opper Nocketty. One day Elton John hired him to tune his personal piano, the results were spectacular. Elton said he’d never sounded better. Unfortunately the movers bumped it and it was out of tune again.
Elton personally called Mr Nocketty and asks him to re-tune his piano.
He said “I’m sorry but Opper Nocketty tunes but once”
Went to a comedy festival yesterday. The headliner was comedian in a wheelchair.
His stand up routine really stood out.
My boss asked me to explain the complex findings as though I were talking to a child.
I looked at him and said, "Everything's fine Timmy. The grownups are handling it. Go back to bed."
People in Athens hate getting up early...
cause Dawn is tough on Greece.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night.
I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
At our family reunion picnic, I told my wife it wouldn’t be the same without Grandpa. He passed away this year, and for decades he was the one keeping the flies away from the food. Now that responsibility falls to me.
She squeezed my hand and said, “I know, babe. You’ve got big shoos to fill.”
I would just like to point out...
So I went to the window and did.
I asked a Spanish sailor how the ocean was treating him
He said, ‘No muy buoy-no.’
I was doing well while taking and engineering exam until I reached a question about tensile strength about a bridge. The multiple choice answers did not match my answer and I wrote on the answer sheet that I could not calculate because the span of the bridge was not included.After the test, I told the professor that I did not see the span in the description of the question and I needed that to get the right answer.
He responded, "Noooooo one expects the span is in the question!"
Did you hear about the failed farmer who became a rap artist?
He had some sick beets.
Dogs
It's been suggested that dogs bark up to 350 times a day
Of course, that's just a ruff estimate.
This happened today regarding my new fishtankMy 15 year old son said: "you should get an Axolotl"
I told him: "no, they drive me crazy"
Why?
I said: "they axolotl questions"
He smirked and walked away, head shaking.
Back when Bill Clinton was president, I was offered the chance to meet him and the VP. All I had to do was go outside the house but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, the idea was terrifying!
That was when I realized that I had Algoreaphobia.
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