Did y’all know New York is the opposite of Minnesota?
New York is where the big apple is, and Minnesota is where Minneapolis
Why don't Bald Eagles tell knock-knock jokes?..... Because Freedom Rings
I'll fly myself out.....
Your pupils are the last part to stop working when you are deceased
They dilate
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I think I nailed it…
But nobody saw it.
A fella was sat in the pub absolutely hammered.
He stands up to go home and falls flat on his face. Crawls to the door and falls again outside. Unable to stand he crawls back home. Manages to pull himself up to open the front door and falls through it. He proceeds to crawl upstairs and somehow gets into bed. The next morning his wife wakes him up shouting “you were very drunk last night” “How do you know” he said. “The pub phoned, you forgot your wheelchair”
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11...
It was just a spare, I guess.
I tried being polite today, by holding the door open for a lady.
She kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!” Oh well.
My friend asked me if I was ready to go to the nudist colony
I was born ready
So I'm always ready, I keep a spreadsheet of Dad jokes.
I call it my dad-abase.
The guy who invented nails died today.
I hear his family is having a hard time holding it together.
Some people don't appreciate a good rock pun.
It's always taken for granite.
What did the window glazier say when he cut himself on the window glass?
“This is extremely paneful!”
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician simply performed the same tricks over and over again…There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting out in the middle of the show. “Look, it’s not the same hat!” “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?” The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean and, of course, the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said:
“Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”
What fruit will never run off and get married?
Cantaloupe
TV reporter to a Finn: "Do you regard Russians as friends or brothers?"Finn: "Oh, brothers, of course."
Reporter (Surprised) : "Really? Brothers?!"
Finn: "Yes. You can choose your friends"
I recently renovated a depressed building that only had stairs
It needed a lift
A middle aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her doctor“Come now,” coaxed the doctor,
“you’ve been seeing me for years. There’s nothing you can’t tell me.”
“This one’s kind of strange,” the woman said.
“Let me be the judge of that,” the doctor replied.
“Well,” she said,
“yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies.”
“I see,” commented the doctor calmly.
“That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5 more in the bowl,” the woman continued.
“That night,” she went on, “I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were 50!. This morning, there were 100 coins!”
“You’ve got to tell me what’s wrong with me!” she implored.
“I’m scared out of my wits!”
The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
“There, there, it’s nothing to be scared about,” he said.
(Ready for this?)
(I’m warning you……)
~~~~~~~~~~
(Still not too late……delete now!)
~~~~~~~~~~
“You’re simply going through the change” …lol
What did the left leg say about the right leg at the party?
Allow me to introduce you to my other calf. We're so close we're joined at the hip.
Where do dads get their jokes from?
The dadabase…
Did I ever tell you about my short stint as a magician?
I drove home after my first day and turned into my driveway.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus with anxiety
A Nervous Rex
You might have heard of a warhammer...
but did you know that Polish soldiers used to fight with a warsaw?
Why do cemeteries have fences?
Because people are literally dying to get in.
My bed and I are supposedly just friends too, only problem is...
Every night we sleep together, that damned memory foam mattress has to remind me of how deep a rut I'm in...
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