I caught a fish. I had some trouble identifying the fish, so I asked it “are you a mackerel?
And it said “nah” and then I said “are you a salmon” and it said “nah” so then I figured it out! It must be a “2-nah fish”
If tomb is pronounced TOOMand womb is pronounced WOOM
why isn't bomb pronounced BOOM?
It just might be....................if you're on the receiving end.
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed...
"You idiot! It's three-fifteen in the morning.
What's the surname of a Dutch criminal?
Van De Lism
My date with the supernatural had gone terrible.
She ghosted me
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit went to a clinic to donate some blood...Nurse (to the rabbit): What's your blood type?
Rabbit: I'm probably a type O.
What do you call a Sugar that can write with both Hands?
Ambidextrose
I won a Settlement in Court with the Zoo and they paid me in Lions
It’s not much, but at least I have my pride
Rabbits have taken over the Empire State Capitol.
It’s now All-Bunny New York.
I'm accused of shooting a man with a bb gun.
The case is being heard in appellate court...
Spiders.
Why don’t spiders go to school ? Because they learn everything on the web 😇.
What happens when something hits you at high frequency?
It hertz
What do you call a person who dies whilst lifting weights?
A Dumb Bell End.
The Mandalorian asked Little Miss Mufet what she was eating for dinner.
She replied, "This is the whey."
I was debating where to stream the new Hamlet movie.
Tubi or not Tubi...
I'll never forget how many sit ups my dad used to make me do
They're core memories.
Why couldn't the Mexican archer hunt? He didn;t habanero.
I finally organized my junk drawer. Now it's just a drawer…
…and I can’t find any of my junk!
I've just received the news I'm a kleptomaniac
To be fair I took it rather easily
A cowboy walks into a bar petting his pony. Bartender asks…
“Are you feeling a little horse?”
At the end of his session, my kid’s therapist brought us in and asked if we had any questions. I said, “Well, he always talks about his first teacher having really low boobs that looked like they stuck out around her stomach. Is that weird?”
She said, “No, those are core mammaries.”
Welcome to my 'ool.
Notice how there's no P in it? Let's keep it that way.
My toddler wouldn't nap, so I unplugged the nightlight and said "lights out"He said, "Watt"?
I said, "Don't argue, I've got the power here. I will ground you if I have to"
If you're American when you go in the bathroom...... and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?
European.
There are people who only know 25 letters of the alphabet
They don't know y.
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