My son said, "What rhymes with orange?" I pondered for a while and replied...
"No, it doesn't."
Shania Twain’s hometown just named a new building after her.
The Twain Station.
At the federal reserve a coin press broke down but they can't find out why.
The mechanic says: "It just doesn't make any cents."
My teenage son was throwing a party in the backyardIt was nothing too crazy so I told him to be responsible and went to bed.
However, by the time the sun came up they were still going. As if that wasn’t bad enough, they’d also turned the music up so loud that you couldn’t hear yourself speak and there were thick clouds of smoke in the air from all the drugs they were doing. I was furious.
And so I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs “What’s going on?”
Do you know the vegan capital of the UK?
Nothingham
I invented a new game. Quiet tennis
Just like regular tennis but without the racket
Did you hear about the Greek philosopher who refused to cover her breasts?
Her name was Aristopless.
Did you guys hear about the world wide sting operation on people who mix drinks?
Many of them are behind bars right now.
Why are deaf people good at not conforming?
They don’t follow a heard mentality
My friend got me a book for my birthday called ‘Recipes for Cooking Road-kill’.I found some road-kill the other day, cooked it and it was delicious..
Not sure what to do with the bicycle though.
my daughter asked me why ocean birds are almost all lesbians
because she sees all the "seagirls" but rarely hears about "sea boys"
I was flirting with the most gorgeous woman at the bar last night. At one point I told her "Believe it or not, I have the most famous last name in all of Ireland." She smiled and replied, "Oh really?"
And I'm like "how did you know?!"
My wife is learning how to operate a bulldozer
I’m not going to stand in her way
My tire blew out and I can't get to work!
Guess I'll have to retire.
Someone tried to scam me by selling invisibility cloaks...
I saw right through it
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo…
I had to put my foot down.
Beer can damage your short term memory
But so can beer
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions."
I saw some school kids putting forks in power outlets.
So I asked them: "Who's in charge around here?"
Why did the pony need a glass of water?
He was a little hoarse 🌝
Why did the bicycle collapse?
It was two-tired
Did you hear about the two circles obsessed with prioritizing criminals and the European Commission respectively?
One was concentric and the other was eccentric
Birds.
The left wing and the right wing are still parts of the same bird 🦅 Cherokee Proverb.
What does a golf caddy have for lunch?
A club sandwich and a side of chips.
Largest mothof all butterflies and moths, which is the largest?
the mam-moth
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