I just dumped some Adderall in my Ford Fiesta’s gas tank..
now it’s a Ford Focus.
I have a horse called Mayo.Sometimes, Mayo neighs.
My 12 year old told us at the dinner table tonight.
A friend of mine got married on a plane mid-flight
It didn't last though. The court said there were no grounds for the marriage.
How do you make gold soup?
With 24 carrots.
What does Donald T smell like ?
Depends.
Wife gets a new pair of sunglasses with lots of bling.Wife - Do you like all the bling?
Me - yeah, those are quite a spectacle!
Why didn't the personal trainer get kicked out of his apartment?
He had squatter's rights
What's the most average state in America?
Oklahoma, I could go into depth about why, but in short, it's just OK.
The police are looking for a man with one eye called Murphy.
I don't know what his other eye is called.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees-a-salad.
How does a professional eater decide what to eat?
They chews it!
How do you silence a noisy kabob?
Say "SHUSH-KABOB!"
I turned vegan last month
It was the biggest miss-steak of my life.
How does the Man In the Moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What do you call a cop in bed?
Undercover.
Wife’s note on the fridgeNote said “This is not working, goodbye!”
I opened the fridge and it was working just fine.
What website does actor Christopher Judge use when he’s job hunting?
Indeed.
What do you call a mafia boss' successor?
Don of a new era
What did the Dalmatian say after eating?
That hit the spot!
A grasshopper walks into a bar.The bartender tells him “You know, we have a drink named after you”
The grasshopper answers “You got a drink named Steve?”
I’m afraid for the calendar.
Its days are numbered.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards?
Because if they fell forwards, they’d knock themselves out.
Did you hear the Vatican is releasing an online payment system to absolve you of your sins?
They're calling it PaPal.
As soon as I walked in the door, my wife said "You need to do more chores around the house""I'm tired" I said. "Can we please change the subject?"
"Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you."
Did you hear that joke about boxing?
It was very funny, but I forgot the punchline
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