Rofkar Computer Sciences

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies
She is not “fun to be around.”

I accidentally confused the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza”…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

If Americans smile....
Do Europeans skilometer?

I was walking down the street this morning when I was suddenly hit by a violin, a clarinet, and a french horn…
…I think it was an orchestrated attack!

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looks surprised

If A is for apricot, B is for blueberry, what is C for?
It’s an explosive.

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the Mothership

Applied so hard. And got so far.
But in the end,

I wasn't even hired.

- LinkedIn Park

My daughter’s boyfriend just Dad Joked me and I’ll be honest, I think she needs to marry him.
So last night we had some storms roll through including some really wicked lightning. I still made a point to make a beer run, and when I got back I posted a video of the lightning to Facebook with a caption explaining the beer run as a context.

My daughter’s boyfriend responds with: “It must have been pretty scary if it made your beer run.”

I already knew this before she moved in with him, but I think the guy’s a winner, folks.

I have a group of friends who like to dress up as German philosophers.
They're a pretty Nietzsche crowd.

Wife: I want another baby.
Husband: That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one.

My wife missed my dad joke, but others around me appreciated it:
We were catching up with some relatives when my wife told my uncle that her father had recently been promoted in his role in the Air Force. Now he's a Major, and the promotion actually came with a pay increase as well.

I said, "Woah, a pay increase? Was it a minor increase, or..."

My cousin started cracking up but my wife continued with the small talk haha.

(I often find that dad jokes are better when the punch lines are filled in by the recipient rather than the deliverer. Anyone else prefer this method of delivery?)

After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?…
…your pupils. They dilate! 🤣

On a date with a cannibal, I mentioned to her that I came from a blended family.
She lit up and said, “Ooh… I love smoothies!”

What is a highlighter's favorite Twister position?
Knee on yellow.

What'd the shirt say to the pants?
'Sup, britches?

😉🤙

She choked from laughing before she fired me
A good one from out in the wild.

My wife and I are working on launching a fundraiser for a charity that buys local children Christmas gifts. Okay, it's mostly her working on the actual event, but I'm handling the promotion. We were sitting in the office, her making signs, and myself writing copy for a radio promo when I headed downstairs for a glass of root beer I asked her if she needed anything but she said no.

When I ascended the stairs back to the office she remembered something, "I should have asked you to bring the props for the signs."

I set down my glass, gave her two thumbs up and said, "Great job on the signs my love!"

Anyway, so now I'm downstairs checking Reddit because after laughing so hard she forgot how to breath I was temporarily fired. She can't look at me without laughing again.

To anyone who lost a rubber band filled with $100 bills!
I found the rubber band.

Before the days of free WiFi in bars and pubs I got slapped in my face
I asked a pretty gal if I could jump on her hot spot

I'll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died
Are you still holding the ladder?

I just figured out why people say "be there or be square".
Because if you're not there, you're not a-round.

Someone ripped the fifth month out of my calendar…
…I’m dismayed.

Knock knock
Whos there?

Lil old lady

Lil old lady who?

Wow I didnt know you could yodel!

I gave my local food bank some cookies shaped like different countries.
They thanked me for the dough nations.