This just happened in real life, and I got not even a chuckle.True story: the wife and I were walking in Target this evening. We were walking in the clothing section, behind an employee who was moving a mannequin. Out of nowhere the whole arm pops off, and the poor woman can’t bend to pick it up because… ya know… she’s holding the rest of the mannequin. So I walk up, grab the limb while she’s looking around for another employee to help, hold it out to her and say…
“Here, let me give you a hand”
She took it. No laughter. My wife? Nothing. So I am posting here in the hopes that my genius will be appreciated. Keep getting those dad jokes in the wild, folks.
It takes me 5 minutes to walk from my home to the bar, but 20 minutes to walk from the bar back to my home.
The difference is staggering.
I peaked.Sharing an IRL moment that might be the peak for bad puns for me, and that's saying something:
My wife and I were moving and she, a musician (predominantly violin), was packing up her sheet music in 2 identical baskets.
She said "I used to have these so neat. This one was all violin music, and this one was everything else. But over the years they've gotten all mixed up." And I sensed there was something there, so I took a long pause to think and then...
"...you're not going to have to re-sort to violins, are you?"
That one might have caused her physical pain, I still think about it.
What bird doesn't have kids ?
Swallow
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beet!!
I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up.
That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.
I need to buy seven chainsaws.What for?
No, I said seven.
My cellphone accidentally took a 10 minute video of my shoes yesterday...
It was some pretty good Footage.
Where do mansplainers get their water?
From a well, actually.
What do you call an operating system with ED ?
Microsoft
The birds & the birdsThis happened in real life and I swear I’ll never be funnier than this:
Riding somewhere with my (very progressive) mother, the topic of bromance comes up, and it’s all joking around. Then my mom says, “That’s like two guys getting way too close, it’s just…unnatural.”
Me: “Well Mom, sometimes two men love each other the way men and women do. They call it the birds and the birds.”
Mom: “Well of course I know that, I have no problem with—“
Me: “Because they both have peckers.” 🐔
Why was Aladdin banned from the Olympics?
He was caught using performance enhancing rugs.
My friend got married in a T Mobile.
The wedding was a little dull, but the reception was incredible.
What's the laziest empire in history?
Ottoman Empire
Why were the cannibals happy to catch a politician?
Baloney sandwiches for everyone.
What do you call it when two boats fall in love?
A row-mance.
My custom shoemaker refused to sell me footwear he reserved for a famous actor.
He explained that those boots were meant for Walken.
Did you hear that they found a food that only lawyers like?
It’s an esquired taste
What kind of car does Dracula drive?
A Chevy Impaler.
Just in case I need it, I always keep an abacus right next to the sink.
That's my kitchen counter.
You know how some Neon lights make a really loud noise?
When they turn them off, do they call it...The Silence of the Lamps?
Why are vegans lonely?
Because they can never meat up with anyone
Why do pancakes always win at baseball?
They have the best batter.
First date*first date*
Her: "Do you like dogs or cats better?"
Flipping through the menu: "What page are you on?"
Someone threw a can of soda at my head today
But I'm fine because it was a soft drink
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