Who is in favour of bringing Roman numerals back into use?
I for one.
At dinner, I asked my date to tell me a little about herself. She said, “Well, believe it or not, I’m a microbiologist.”
I looked her straight in the eye and said, “Nice try... you look like a normal-sized biologist to me.”
Whenever my kids says "I love you" I always respond with "I love you more"
because life is a competition and they need to know their father will always win.
My wife caught me touching myself to an optical illusion.
I said "Babe, it's not what it looks like!"
Brainy joke: Why is it a "school" of fish but a "bloat" of hippos?
Because a school of hippos would be a hippocampus
I’ve written a song about a locksmith
There’s a lovely key change at the end
I tried using Beef as my password.
It wasn't stroganoff
I was driving my date to her house and told her that I wasn't good with directions; she just laughed at me...
…..So I right her left there.
What does Neil Diamond sing when he’s waiting in a queue at the grocery store to buy corn syrup
🎶 Sweet Karo Line 🎶
I told my dad that I'm going to join the 'World Taekwondo Federation'
He said WTF?!
What do you call a priest that's also a lawyer?
A father-in-law.
Who is Mexico’s richest man?
Jeff Pesos
A Halloween JokeQ. Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
A. Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
I recently found out that I'm afraid of German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
Friend of mine recently was hospitalized for a freak peek-a-boo accident
He was sent to the ICU
I took the shell off of my racing snail hoping it would make him faster
It just made him more sluggish
Why did Indiana Jones never meet his favourite band?
He ran away from the Rolling Stones
A LOT OF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT American State Brad Pitt, Garth Brooks and Reba McEntire were born in.
Listen, it's OK.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...
What did one weiner say to another evasive wiener?
Always be frank.
During a job interview"Can you perform under pressure?".
"No but I can try bohemian rhapsody".
Why did the condescending chimes player go to the gym?
To use the dumb bells!
After 14 years as a homemaker, my wife got a job as a baker at the bagel shop up the street......I'm really excited for her to be making some dough!
It comes at a time of great knead, our finances have been really crumby lately. We've been in a bit of a debt hole and now we can finally rise above it!
Looking forward to life with another bread-winner in the house!
(Inspired by real events - I was only going to do one celebratory pun but then I got on a roll...)
Exercise.
Me: 'I'm still tired from all the crossfit this morning."
Friend: It's pronounced
'croissant' and you ate four of them"
Meat Loaf married his accountant
She’d do anything for love but she won’t do VAT
top
