Dad jokesI’m a gay dad and uncle. My partner came with a kid and nieces/nephews. Tonight my niece (4) told me after dinner that “All my Barbies died.”
Without missing a beat I asked her “Should we notify her Next of Ken” and I actually made myself laugh, then told everyone that would listen in the house, including her in order brother (12), and then the internet.
It’s not an original joke, but by God was I proud of such a milestone. Time to strap on the New Balances and start mowing.
What was Hitlers favorite video game?
Mein Kraft
1.7% of Americans over the age of 30 are married to their 3rd cousin.
Not sure why they didn't figure it out after they married their first two cousins.
Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because 70 is rumored to be a cannibal but no one can prove who 78.
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because 69 fought 70 and 71.
Don't go to Starbucks sick
Or you'll get a cough fee
I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.
My mum says I was named after my great-grandfather
makes sense to me, he was born before me.
Why are trains in Western movies so shy?
They have no self-esteem.
My ex-wife once shouted at me, "You're boring! You're really boring!"
So I put the drill down and said, "I know that!".
Why did the astronauts re-enter the atmosphere?
because they're very "down to earth" people.
It takes guts
To be an organ donor
Earth is pretty dull now
It used to be cooler
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves you and never comes back.
I could talk to you for days about how I treat rashes.
And that's just scratching the surface
Where did the 8 go when it fell over?
To ∞ and beyond!
A woman asked me if having kids over 40 was okay...
I said NO! 40 is enough!
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No Son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
I bought some shoes from a local drug dealer this morning
I don’t know what they were laced with but I’ve been tripping all day.
At one point, I thought I’d be a successful writer for Hallmark.
Unfortunately, it just wasn’t in the cards.
Mom is serious, kids play around but…
dad jokes
I know how to get my son a date in the future
I’ll name him terms and conditions.
Did I ever tell you how funny the word Pumpernickel is?
No? I guess it’s my Rye sense of humour.
What's one web designer who loves finding bugs?
A spider
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