My son showed me a picture of his new girlfriendShe was dressed in full hockey gear including pads, a mask, gloves and a blocker.
I said "congratulations. She looks like a keeper."
I got gas for $1.49 today
Unfortunately it was from Taco Bell
A chicken was found dead in his coop.
He was a victim of fowl play
What is a police officer’s favorite thing to wear?
A pull over
If you know any good fish puns
...please let minnow.
A guy gave his friends 10 puns hoping that one of them would make him laugh.
Sadly no pun in ten did.
Microsoft just entered the domestic appliance market with a new vacuum cleaner
It's the first thing they've done in quite some time that didn't suck.
I was born with four kidneys
Now I have two kidneys and two adult knees
I asked my husband to explain "active verbs" to me, but after his explanation
I know I'm fucking stupid.
Fork lift operator has been out of work for sometime
Hopefully, things pick up soon!
My wife told me it was my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers or her
So I quit cold turkey
Even though I hate it, I just default to using Google's browser on every device I own. I don't even try to customise it to make it better.
I think I must have stock Chrome syndrome.
What do you call two pairs of underwear getting into a fight?
Boxers.
What do you call a mermaid that's really good at her job?
Efishent.
What do you call Greek yogurt created by pigs?
Oinkos.
Why did the ape go to prison?
He was running a chimponzi scheme.
Went to Oktoberfest in traditional attire. Was asked if I was wearing Leiderhosen.
I said, no, those are at home. These are my NOWhosen.
The inventors of the brochure have sadly passed away.
RIP Pam Flett and her husband, Lee.
I made a belt out of watches and showed my wife.
She called it a waist of time.
People think that there are no homosexual seaweeds...
But they are algae
Why did Betty and Veronica fly to Mexico for a concert?
They heard it was a marry Archie band.
Did you hear about the tennis player who lost a ball?
Now when he plays he leans a bit to the left
Peas
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas.
Amazingly - scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dishAmazingly - scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish
The results speak for themselves
When I was a child, I was made to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
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