My girlfriend accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.
I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"
Pair of jumper cables walk into a bar, bartender says I am fine to serve you but
But you better not start anything .
My son doesn't say much to me anymore
He now uses "a lot" and "plenty" instead
What do you call a sleepwalking priest?
A Roaming Catholic
Why do generational witches avoid using popular dating apps?Because their ancestors had bad experiences with matches on Tinder.
(I just heard this on another platform. Apologies if told recently.)
I asked my personal trainer if he could teach me how to do Kegel exercises.
He said that wasn’t necessary, since most people are self-taut.
What jam can't you eat?
Traffic
As a huge Deep Purple fan and SCUBA instructor i have an issue with an employee…
…smoked under water, i'm fireing this guy.
My son said, “Dad, my new French friend wants me to lend him my homework. I don't want to, but I'm afraid he'll stop being my friend.”
I said, “Son, i know its hard, but don't give into Pierre pressure.”
I stared death in the face and accused him of having an uncomfortable couch
Woeful reaper cushions.
A new Indian restaurant has opened near me called Karma. It doesn't have a menu to order from.
You just get what you deserve!
I heard you are really good with horses*In a low raspy voice* No, my throat is just sore.
What?
I'm a hoarse whisperer
colorblindI found out I was colorblind:
This situation just emerged out of the yellow.
Just a quick reminder that at a Nudist Colony Wedding, there are NO dress rehearsals.
It's unsuitable.
Which fish are the strongest?
Mussels.
Why do chemist prefers nitrate?
Because it is cheaper than the day rate
A friend of mine has had many jobs, and has learned many practical skills, but his last job as a baker didn't work out too well.
He had to have a finger in every pie.
Parallel Lines Have So Much in Common
It’s a shame they’ll never meet
Told my son how I used to hate facial hair
but then it grew on me
I love my local curry house takeaway so much
I have them on speed daal
Software upgrades
My 23-year-old kid was complaining about some changes to his game (Greg Tech New Horizons) that weren't in the release notes for the upgrade over the weekend.
I told him, "You will be delighted to know that production business software does exactly the same thing."
He was not, in fact, delighted to know that.
What happens when Dory and Wall-e combine?
Room E
Why can't snowmen get pregnant?
'snowballs
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