Wife to ditzy husband, “Why did you make the potato soup with 125 small potatoes?”
Husband, “I know it seems like a lot, but the recipe called for five potatoes cubed.”
Ice cream truck pulled onto our street. I asked the driver, “Do you carry Rolexes, Timexes, or heck… even Casios?” He looked confused and said, “Sir, respectfully... what are you talking about?”
I pointed, “Your sign… Watch for Children.”
How do you spell candy only using two letters? C and Y.
I want Kenny Loggins to marry Walton Goggins and open up a winter sports supply store in Lousiana
Come one come all to Loggins-Goggins Toboggans in Nawlins!!
I recently lost my job as an airport taxi driver.
Turns out clients don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew chew train.
A snake walks into a bar
The bartender asks "how'd you do that"
I have no mirror in my house, I really should buy one...
I can't see myself living like this any longer
Sammy Davis Jr. and Ella Fitzgerald went into a partnership and opened a restaurant.
It failed, perhaps because they named it "Sam an' Ella's"
Women cancelled car appointment and I had a perfect comeback
Yesterday I was waiting for my car repair to get finished at the shop and a customer called in to cancel her appointment and her reason was "she came down with the sickness". I immediately chimed in and said she must be Disturbed! Had everybody chuckling and saying it was the perfect Dad jokes to which I replied that I doubt that many people at my age (62) would even get it. Thought I would share it as I rarely have an instant comeback like that.
Just wanted to say that I endorse podiums
That’s one product I can stand behind
Chloride tried to ask Sodium out on a date
Sodium: Na
Chrloide: Why not?
Sodium: We’d be too salty
Birth.My wife gave birth three times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.
I gave birth zero times and I don't fit in my pants from March.
What do you call a poor classical musician?
Baroque.
I asked my dog “what’s 2-2?”
He said nothing.
Why is your floor made of wool?
It's lamb init'.
I asked my wife, “Can you help me? I’m stuck on a crossword clue, 'overworked postman'.” She replied, “Sure, how many letters?” I said, “I don't know!"
“I’m guessing, too many!”
Our son was feeling a little down, so we decided to get him a puppyHis mother wanted to get him a Collie.
I wanted to get a Lab
Our daughter wanted to get a Dalmation
We decided to get a mix of all three
I guess you could call it a Collaboration
A few dad jokes I can’t stop laughing atWhy don’t skeletons fight each other?
Because they don’t have the guts.
I tried to make a belt out of watches.
It was a waist of time.
I told my computer I needed a break.
Now it keeps sending me KitKats.
I asked my fridge if it was running.
It said yes, but only emotionally.
I started a joke about procrastination…
I’ll finish it later.
What do you call a cult that’s hard to get into?
Difficult
What do you call someone from Manila that constantly drinks wine?
Full of Pinot
What do you call a witch doctor’s mistake?
A voodoo boo boo!
I lost my job as an elevator operator…
Suddenly things went sideways.
Two guys walk into a bar.
Third guy ducks.
What did the Italian chef say when he tried Rocky Mountain Oysters?
That’s’a spicy ballmeat!
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