What's a different phrase you can use for anal bleaching?
Changing your ringtone.
An older gentleman was being tailgated by a stressed-out lady on a busy street.Suddenly, the light turned yellow just ahead of him, and he did the right thing; he stopped at the crosswalk to allow the waiting pedestrians cross. 🚦
The lady behind him lost it. She battered the horn, yelling and gesturing wildly because she missed her chance to make the light.
In the middle of her rant, there was a tap on her window. She looked up to see a police officer. 👮♂️
She was taken to the police station and placed in a holding cell.
A couple of hours later, the officer opened the door and said,
“I’m very sorry for the mistake, ma’am, let me explain. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and shouting cuss words I, even as a police officer, have never heard before.
Then I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday School’ sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish on the trunk. 🐟✝️
Naturally… I assumed the car was stolen.”
What do you call the belly of a woman who’s pregnant with twins?
A two bed womb apartment.
The guy who invented the Ferris wheel never met the guy who invented the merry-go-round.
They traveled in different circles.
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkled clothes?
An iron deficiency.
A pun walks into a bar, and ten people die…
…pun in, ten dead.
I was talking to my friend the other day and he told me he doesn’t understand cloning
I said that makes two of us.
2 Blondes are building a house...1st Blonde... Takes a nail out of her pouch, looks it over, then hammers it into the wall... takes another nail out, checks it over, and throws it away.. she does this for every other nail for a while until the 2nd Blond notices...
2nd Blonde: "Why are you throwing away every other nail???"
1st Blonde: "Because the point is on the wrong side!"
2nd Blonde: "No Dummy! It's Blondes like you that give the rest of us bad names!!!"
"Those nails are for the other side of the wall!"
Sundays are always a little sad,
but the day before it is a sadder day
I’m old enough to remember when computers only came with a keyboard. Initially I couldn’t see the point of a mouse
Then it clicked
Why did the bee need glasses?He had aSTINGmatism.
My 6y/o boy that just got glasses dropped this bomb on me.
I was going to tell a joke about a woman who only eats plants
But you guys have probably never heard of herbivore.
How many optometrists does it talk to change a lightbulb?Is it one… or two?
One, or two?
What do you do with dead chemists?
Barium.
When we were cleaning up a project in the garage, I told my son to put the lids back on the baking soda, borax, and bleach. He asked, “Why?”
I said, “I just want to make sure all our bases are covered.”
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato
I had the worst career as a pilot.
It never took off.
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn't like me critter sizing
My wife asked if I’d seen the dog bowl.
I said, “I didn’t know he could.”
I made a UPS parcel joke, but the audience wasn't picking it up.
I guess I need to work on my delivery.
What do you call a man who lost his car?
Carlos
What did the cook say when they were out of ingredients and had to rush?
I don’t have thyme for this!
What’s the worst vegetable to bring on a boat?
A leek
What happens when you insult a dock?
You dis a pier.
My dad asked me how my new job of teaching a creative writing class to prisoners at the local jail was going. I said…
It has its prose and cons
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