I saw a guy carrying a long stick. "Are you a pole vaulter?", I asked.
“No, I'm German. How'd you know my name is Walter?"
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence.
In response to the recent mass exodus, have you seen the latest lineup of artists performing during the Freedom 250 concert?Lady Maga
Red Hat Chili Peppers
Magadeth
Impeaches & Herb
the Magas and the Papas
Earth, Wind & You're fired
Supertrump
Mortal Kombat was actually based on a Scandinavian church song.
It was a Finnish Hymn.
What do you call a flying NUN?
a) a bird
b) an airplane
c) an arrow
d) nun of the above
Before crowbars were invented
Crows used to drink alone
Which game did Aladdin used to play with his pet monkey?
Peek Abu
Why did Aslan keep the Deep Magic a secret?
That’s Narnia business.
The Smart PigA city slicker is driving down a quiet rural road when he spots something unbelievable in a field. He slams on the brakes, reverses, and stares out the window. There is a farmer plowing a field, and walking right next to him is a pig. But this isn't an ordinary pig—it has a wooden leg.
Driven by pure curiosity, the city man parks his car, walks over to the fence, and flags down the farmer.
"Excuse me, sir!" the city man yells. "I couldn't help but notice your pig. Why on earth does it have a wooden leg?"
The farmer stops his tractor, wipes his brow, and looks fondly at the pig. "Oh, let me tell you about Barnaby. Barnaby is no ordinary animal. He is an absolute miracle of nature. Just last year, I was working in the barn when it caught fire. I was trapped under a fallen timber, unconscious. Barnaby ran into the roaring flames, dragged me out by my collar, and then ran back inside to alert my wife. He saved my entire family!"
"Wow, that's incredible!" the city man gasps.
"That's not all," the farmer continues. "A few months later, my youngest son fell into the deep end of the farm pond. Barnaby dived right in, kept the boy afloat, and managed to push him safely to the shore."
"Unbelievable!" says the traveler. "Barnaby is a genuine hero! But you still haven't told me... why does he have a wooden leg?"
The farmer sighs, shakes his head, and looks at the city man like he’s crazy. "Well, listen here. When you have a pig that is that special, you don't eat him all at once!"
You've heard of Pop Tarts. Why are there no Mom Tarts?
Because of the pastryarchy.
8y/o: Why did the chicken cross the road?Dad: Why?
8: To get to an idiot's house.
D: ???
8: Knock, knock.
D: Who's there?
8: ... The chicken.
(I don't think he made this one up, but it made me laugh and I'd never heard it!)
It's my wife's birthday next week and she's been leaving jewelery catalongs all over our house.
So I got her a magazine rack.
Where does a fish go, if he needs medicine?
To the PharmaSea.
Once I killed a guy by sticking an orange vegetable through his neck
It went straight through his carroted artery
I saw a woman faint onto the baggage carousel at the airport this morning.
Thankfully, she came around.
I was in court yesterday..My lawyer looked at the judge and said “My client is trapped inside a penny.”
Judge said “What?”
Thats when my lawyer looked her right in the ye and said “He's in a cent.
At lunch, I offered to share my calamari appetizer with my manager but they politely declined...
HR was very strict about cases of Squid Pro Quo.
What musical instrument can be found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste
What's the difference between a cemetery and a graveyard?
The spelling.
What's the difference between Americans and computers?
Americans don't have troubleshooting
Two kings and three queens came into my home, but there was barely enough room for everyone
It was a full house
I just saw Vanessa Carlton driving a piano down the street
Who the hell gave her the keys?
"I love this apartment, it has everything I need! How much is the rent?"
"Sir, this is a liquor store."
I slept with my mums sister last night…
To be honest, it was a bit of an auntie climax
On a roll today!I'm on a roll today!
Watching Frozen with the wife and kids.
Anna sings, "Why have a ballroom with no balls?"
Me: Oh! I know the answer to that! Its because it's not a secure location!
Wife: *dumbfounded look* What?
Me: Yeah, it's not very secure if anyone can Waltz in there.
Wife: "OH MY GAWD!!!"
Me: 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣
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