Bad news, everyone. I’ve been diagnosed with the peekaboo virus.
They’re sending me to the ICU!
If a stork delivers a baby, what kind of bird gets rid of a baby?
A swallow
Im lactose intolerant but my friend gave me milk
How dairy
I knew a guy who was arrested for stealing hay.
Unfortunately, he couldn’t make bale.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you
You have my word.
Do you guys know what gay horses eat?
HAAAAAAAAAAAAY
At dinner, I told my date, “Jeez, I am freezing!” She said, “I’ll go ask if they have a space heater.”
I said, “No thanks, I need something for down here.”
I met a witch for the first time today, but I think I'd seen her black kitten before.
He seemed a little familiar.
Why isn’t Jonathan Ross very good at Star Wars impressions?
He’s a Wookie
I went to a bookstore and saw a book titled “How to solve 50% of your problems”.
I bought two copies.
Bilbo Baggins fought a long and courageous battle against death. His final words were...
"Old hobbits die hard".
Win today
I have 2 stepdaughters and a biological son with my wife. Today I won a silly event at a show dinner in front of my kids. It was so stupid (bucket brigade) but it was in front of them. My son and youngest stepdaughter were so proud to see daddy win. It was a really cool feeling with them especially my son. Something I’m still riding high on. I don’t really have anyone to share this with so figured I would here. My son hasn’t stopped talking about watching daddy win and I’m a very happy man.
A farmer asked his horse if it had stolen his thesaurus...
The horse said, "no."
Recently encountered a cat made of Lithium, Oxygen, and NitrogenIt was a LiON
Sorry, I typically post chemistry jokes periodically
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…
..then there’s something wrong with your dog.
I’ve got a dog that will only eat shellfish.
It’s a Cockle Spaniel.
It was today at lunch when I realized I needed to be really careful putting cheddar on my sandwich
It was extra sharp!
Did you guys hear about the politician that wants to ban shredded cheese?
They want to make America grate again.
I relabeled the spice rack without my wife’s permission
She doesn’t know it yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Einstein came up with a theory about space.
And it was about time, too.
On the one hand I broke a finger today.
On the other hand, I am fine.
At the age of 95, my grandfather Gerald from Yorkshire is still a prolific footballer. He has scored 3 times in every match this season.
We call him Gerry 'at trick.
I met my future wife in the glue factory where we both worked.
We bonded immediately.
My son used to dress up as a pig every Halloween, but this year, he’s doing something different.
I think that costume started to boar him.
What did the blacksmith do after he farted?
Smelt it
top
