What is the difference between “grey” and “gray”?
“Gray” is a colour, while “grey” is a color.
My wife asked me, “Did you eat the last piece of cake in the refrigerator?” I said, “No, I ate it in the living room.”
And, that’s how the fight started!
I nearly lost my job as a roofer after being caught masturbating on the first day.
Luckily the boss said I could wipe the slate clean.
What do you call a man without a body or a nose?
Nobody nose
How does a cannibal get rid of bad breath?
He chews on some Men toes
What do you call it when you pass gas and it is a masterpiece?
A work of fart!
I date only women who are from the 500s to the 1500s AD.
This is because I'm into middle-aged women.
My wife and I were desperately trying to figure out dinner when she sighed, “It’s impossible to make ends meet in this economy. Groceries cost a fortune, and we can barely keep food in the house anymore.” I dug around the freezer and found nothing but an old bag of herbs from our garden.
As she started to tear up, I put my hand on her shoulder, held out the bag, and said, “Babe… these are hard thymes.”
My wife told me her best friend just discovered the man she’d been dating was actually an android. I said, “That’s awful. Is she handling it okay?”
“Not at all… sounds like she blew a fuse.”
Did you hear the joke about déjà vu?
Did you hear the joke about déjà vu?
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
And I don’t know Y.
During our tour of Philadelphia, the guide pointed out the U.S. Mint and said, “Believe it or not, this facility discontinued making pennies here last year.”
I leaned over to my wife and whispered, “That doesn’t make any cents!”
The longer you don’t pee
The longer you pee
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside
Bono and Edge walk into the bar and the barman says,
"Oh No, not U2 again.
Which tube station doesn’t exist?Nothing Hill Gate.
(By my 7yo)
Someone stole my metronome.
They'll pay for it in good time.
A man looks out at the field and watches the cows grazeSomebody asks him:
“
what are you doing”? he responds:
“Someone told me that I should watch what I eat”.
Why were lumberjacks revered historically?
Because the past is pro log…
I can't date anyone with missing feet..
I'm lack-toes intolerant.
My grandpa beat my grandma to death...
Sorry, meant to say my grandpa passed before my grandma
She accused me of cheating when she saw the letters I was hiding. I don't think she'll ever play scrabble with me again.
Moonshine.
My Grandpa was arrested for making moonshine. Apparently it’s a whiskey business.
What do you think of the latest scandal about Nvidia CEO having an affair with a Chinese spy?
Let the chips fall where they may.
Do you know why there are pop tarts but not mom tarts?
It's because of the pastryarchy.
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