What do you call a man with a two-inch penis?
Justin
My local supermarket is raising the price of vodka by a penny tomorrow to $20
So tonight I'm gonna party like it's $19.99.
You can tell Donald Trump is a self-made man.He does everything himself. He pisses himself. He shits himself.
He can even go fuck himself.
We’ve been calling them mashed potatoes this whole time
When we could have been calling them patétoes
The teacher calls in a student to have a talk"Larry I was looking at your essay called 'my dog' and the words in the essay are identical to your sister's essay. Can you explain?"
"Yes," Larry says. "It's the same dog."
I showed my son the first computer I had as a child.
He gave me a puzzled look and asked, "How DOS it work?"
I was told after a vasectomy I wouldn’t have kids anymore…
…imagine my shock when I got home and they were still there!
What does a hot dog use for protection?
Condoments
I went to school to be a magician, but I flunked out.
Their tests had too many trick questions.
What do you call a person who eats other people slowly?
A cannibble
Not all naval vessels can go under water.
Only a subset of them can.
If you can't look back at your younger self and realize that you were an idiot...
You're probably still an idiot.
What do you call a man who fixes windshields for a living?
Chip
what did the fish say when it hit the wall?
dam!
Why is it so hard for woman to work in the postal Services?
Because its such a mail dominated industry
Did you know that you can stop a bank robbery with a bottle of Benadryl?
It’s an antiheistamine.
The Grill Comparison:
A husband rudely tells his wife, "Your butt is getting so big, it’s larger than our BBQ grill!" Later that night, he tries to initiate some romance, but his wife immediately shuts him down. When he asks what's wrong, she replies, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?".
I thought going to the zoo with my wife just to see the new baby deer would be boring.
But it was actually pretty fawn.
Why is it so easy to weigh fish?
Because they have their own scales!
A woman named Brittany was placed on a jury trial for murder
The verdict was decided by Brittany's peers.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed
after 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evivdence
You can't drown in raw milk
If there's enough for you to drown... it must be past your eyes.
A time traveller appears in a bar, taking half an hour to fully materialize
The bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, buddy... Why the long phase?"
The Chinese man who invented the camera lens has passed away.
Rest in peace Zoo Min
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
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