Rofkar Computer Sciences

My wife isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
....I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

A Russian woman marries an Australian Gentleman
A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Melbourne. The poor lady was not very proficient in English but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some

chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way

to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)

What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to whatever you were doing. I don't know about you sometimes

Have you heard the rumor about butter?
Nevermind, I'm not going to spread it. -- from my 12 year old son.

Do you know what happens when the average number of bullies in schools goes up?
The mean increases.

My friend says he drives a stick.
He doesn't, he drives a car.

Hand-written road sign: "Farm Shop Ahead. Homemade Sausages For Sale."
"100 Yards Left."

What’s the difference between dad joke and a divorce?
My wife never asks me for a dad joke.

I don't appreciate mimes.
They just don't speak to me at all.

Why did the smartphone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts.

I got fired from the French fry factory for stealing inventory.
They made a big deal out of it, but really it was small potatoes.

What do you call a goose who transitions?
Transgander

Why isn't holy water used in vaccines?
You can't take the Lord's name in vein.

Fully-grown deer do not normally dip leaves, twigs, or acorns into a pot of melted cheese,
but their fawndue

I once went to a costume party dressed as a turtle.
A guy asked me who the girl was on my back.

I told him "Michelle."

What's the difference between jelly and jam?
You can't jelly a copier

I hear next saturday is going to be a perfect day.
It's a 10/10.

Can you believe I got fired from the calendar factory?
Just for taking a day off!!

Why did the hippopotamus cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

(Told to me by my daughter when she was 5)

I make very detailed origami cars
They even have many folds

What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts
(unsure if it is a repost but found it quite funny)

A young man
A young man says to his dad "I think I'm ready to settle down, what do I look for in a wife?"

His dads responds "for starters, look for the single women, not the wives"

What annoyed George Washington most about having fake teeth?
Wooden chew like to know?

What is a skeleton’s favorite band?
Bone Thugs and Harmony.

I'm selling a dead budgie on eBay. But I have to warn you...
It's not going cheap...