A man has been stealing wheels off cop cars.
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
To the people that invented zero
thanks for nothing
Swimming with sharks isn’t cheap
Can cost an arm and a leg.
Wanna know the one thing I can't deal with?
A deck of playing cards glued together. I can't deal with them.
A clown walks into a bar looking tired. The bartender says, “Is it hard work being a clown?”
The clown says, “It’s no small feet.”
I tried to start a hide-and-seek league in my town.But it turns out…
good players are hard to find.
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying."I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you’re supposed to be celibate. But...."
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you’re going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn’t it?"
What’s one thing you can always count on?
A calculator.
Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.
It's also their biggest import.
Just started work at a CNC machine shop, and everyone’s got this thing against our coworker, CameronEveryone’s always talking about “the cad, Cam.”
(Too esoteric for this subreddit?)
Talking about shovels is boring...
But using one is ground-breaking.
Growing up with scoliosis
Is literally a sad backstory.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?Because he was outstanding in his field…
…but only after quitting his job as a corn influencer because the kernel of his audience didn’t appreciate his a-maize-ing content. 🌽😩
What’s the most popular Christmas wine?
“But I don’t like Brussels sprouts!”
The worst part about driving for Uber
all the people talking behind your back.
what would you call chicken tender if it was made out of money?
legal tender
I finally overcame my addiction to swimming.
Still, I'm worried about re-laps.
What do you call a camel with no humps?
Humphrey.
Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie
Hans down
I asked my dog why he always circles before lying down.
He said he’s just rounding out his day.
Why do milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder!
That Doctor Was Fishy
But I was assured he had the hands of a sturgeon.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
How does an English teacher comfort their students?
There, their, they're
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