What did the retired pirate say?
'I'm too old for this ship!'
A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.The bartender says, “Interesting pet, what’s his name”.
“Tiny”, the guy says.
“Why Tiny”, the bartender asks.
“Because he’s my newt”.
Caveman discovers weed.... Caveman discovers fire....
Stoned Age begins…....
My wife said I could be an idiot sometimes.
I think it is pretty cool of her to give me permission.
If the Easter Bunny’s favorite sport is basketball, what’s Jesus’s favorite sport?
Lacrosse
My wife says I’m getting fat, but in my defense..
I’ve had a lot on my plate lately.
I told my son I named my backups final_final_v2 ...He said, so they’re not real backups?
I said, no, they’re just emotional support files. :')
What animal tracks should you avoid, unless you want to get stabbed in the back?
Bee trails
Eggs.What kind of car does an egg drive?
A yolkswagen.
Does anyone know if Hawaii allows for very loud laughing...
...or is it just a low ha?
Chlorine goes for a sleepover at Neon’s house.In the morning, Neon offers them breakfast - cereal, in a mug. Chlorine asks why it’s in a mug, and Neon replies:
“I’m a no-bowl gas, duh.”
Who is in charge of vending and cafeterias for the Rebel Alliance?
Admiral Snackbar
They said I was crazy to go swimming in the river while in Paris.
But actually I was in Seine.
Here's my best impression of a seal.
BABEH, I COMPARE YA TO A KISS FROM A ROSE ON THA GREY!!
An old lady goes to the doctor and says ‘doc, I can’t stop farting. They’re silent with no smell, but I’ve let out 20 in the past 5 minutes sitting here’The doc gives her some pills and tells her to come back next week.
The next week the old lady comes back and says ‘doc, I took the pills, the farts are still silent but now they stink!’
The doc says ‘great! We’ve cleared your sinuses, now let’s work on your hearing!’
how are slutty cows shipped into the US?
through the Strait of Whore Moos
What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon
The saddest vegetable known to man: a melonccoli.
What kind of whisky does a bunny drink?
Hop Scotch
What's a doctor's favorite Greek philosopher
Hetapsthenese
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
Shipping for Clothing...A man from South America is in the US. He only speaks Spanish and doesn't speak a word of English. He goes to a Men's Clothing shop to get a piece of clothing he needs. Unfortunately, the clerk doesn't speak a word of Spanish. So they are trying to communicate by pointing, head nodding, shaking head no, etc.
He points at an article of Clothing behind the counter... the clerk brings over a shirt. he motions "no", and points again in the same direction. the clerk brings over a pair of pants. again he motions "no", and points again. the clerk brings over a pair of socks. Overjoyed that he finally go what he came for, he says out loud, "¡Eso, si que es!" The clerk replies, "well, if you could spell it, why didn't you say so in the first place!"
Why did my brother bring a ladder to school?Because he wanted to go to high school.
I guess he took "higher education" too literally.
My wife asked if my kid and I were having fun playing battleship
Kid: Eh, hit or miss
What do you call a blind cheetah?
A heetah because, he can't C
What is the difference between broccoli and boogers?
Kids eat boogers!!
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