My Wife told me her Gynaecologist said we can't do it for six weeks.
I asked her "What did the Dentist say?"
I just discovered that Albert Einstein was a real person..
my whole life I've believed he was a theoretical physicist.
Whenever I’m lonely I always open Excel and go to the first line of the 1,514th column.
It’s my Number 1 BFF.
Did you hear about the new rideshare service for senior citizens?
Oldsmobile.
I called my friend yesterday night at 10:30pm on phone, he said he was very busy, working on a special Project "Aqua Thermal treatment of Ceramics, Aluminium and Steel under a constrained environment".I was impressed.
Later I realized - he is washing dishes...under the supervision of his wife.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to her credit card bills?
Bernadette
Why can't you starve in a Desert?
Because of all the sand which is there!
One thing that always makes me throw up
is a dartboard on a ceiling
Walking home last night, I passed a slice of apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I said to myself, "The streets seem strangely desserted".
I was fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
I'm not saying that cosmetic surgery cured my depression
But it definitely put a smile on my face.
I went to a smoke shop, only to discover it had been replaced by a clothing store.
Clothes, but no cigar.
I went to visit the world's smallest wind turbine
Honestly? Not a big fan.
I signed up for a competitive eating contest, and I'm really nervous about it.
I think I bit off more than I can chew.
I quit my weightlifting gym
gave them a too weak notice
I went to a dumpling restaurant the other day, but all the lights were really bright so I said to the waiter
dim sum
My daughter finally started looking for a job. I told her there's an entry level job that people are dying to get into and you start with 3000 people beneath you.
Working at the graveyard isn't for everyone though!
Where do you find a murder of crows?
Wherever there is probable caws
A man lost the entire left side of his body in a horrible accident.
He's all right now.
What is spelled incorrectly in the dictionary?
No it isn’t, incorrectly is
My wife asked if I would ever cheat on her.I told her "Of course not." That was the right answer. Following it up with "I'd do it on a bed of course." Was the wrong answer.
This couch is comfy though, maybe she should get an amendment...
Why are drummers hesitant to respond to emails?
They are aware of the re-percussions.
What is a bear’s favourite Greek dish?
Moosesaka
Why is a seven that has a cold the coolest kind of seven?
Because it’s sick seven.
What brand of underwear do scientists wear?
Kelvin Klein.
top
