My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic
But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord
The other day a female janitor invited me over to smoke some weed but I declined.
I just can't deal with a high maintenance woman.
My girlfriend just admitted that she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.
I know, judgemental, but I’ve only known her since she was Christine.
What is a prostitute's favorite brand of potato chip?
Lays
If people in the concrete industry go to work parties
Are they attending cement mixers?
Why programmer prefer dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
A Teenage daughter is being intimate with her boyfriend...And her dad walks in.
"Dad I'm sorry" says the girl.
"Hi sorry I'm Dad" says the dad.
The dad then turns to her boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"
What do you call a plane full of bald people?
Receding hairlines.
Where should you take a sick rabbit?
A hopital.
What's faster than an escalator?
An escanow.
Did you hear about the habanero wearing a sweater?
He was a little chili.
A bacon, egg, and cheese croissant walks into a bar..…and asks for a drink.
The bartender says “I’m sorry buddy, you’re going to have to leave, we don’t serve breakfast!”
A rope walks into a barBartender says, “sorry we don’t serve ropes here.”
The rope leaves, messes up his hair and goes back in.
Bartender says, “hey aren’t you that rope that was just in here?”
“Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”
I once dated a woman with a wooden leg,
But I had to break it off. . .
What did the salad say when he got hit in the groin?
My balsamic
Just earned myself an audible groan from the wife and had to shareContext: I take our puppy out for walks really early every morning.
Wife (very serious): “You need to be careful out there. It’s coyote mating season and they’re roaming around.”
Me: “Understood. I’ll do my best to be less attractive to the coyotes. 😁”
Wife: long pause … audible groan
I was so proud of myself :D
If J.D. Vance took every couch in the White House and laid them end to end
I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.
Blonde on a coffee shopA blonde stops by a café and gets her coffee to go. As she’s about to leave, she notices a little sticker on the cup that says “Peel & Win.”
She peels it back, gasps, and starts jumping up and down shouting,
“I’ve won a motorhome! I’ve won a motorhome!”
The barista laughs and says, “That can’t be right — the top prize is just a free lunch.”
But the blonde won’t calm down. “No, no! I’ve won a motorhome!”
The manager comes over, takes the ticket, and says, “Miss, we definitely didn’t give away a motorhome.”
The blonde insists, “Look for yourself!”
The manager reads the ticket aloud:
“WIN A BAGEL.”
A cracked concrete slab walks into a bar. The bartender says “Get out!” Cracked concrete slab: But why???
Take a look at you! You’re smashed!
How do you know people with foot fetishes are losers?
They love the taste of defeat
I told my kid they can be anything they want when they grow up.They said, “Even happy?”
So now we’re both just standing there… thinking.
I’m reading a book on anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down.
Why can a doctor never wait?
Because then they would be patient.
What type of bee sucks at flying?
Kobee
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