A hacker once called me and said he has all my passwords
I said, "WHAT!? Hold on. Let me get a pen. Now, what are they again?"
Me: "Dad, can you spell wonton backwards?"
Dad: "Not now."
My girlfriend accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.
I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"
I'm at the age where I no longer care if I look good in photos...
I just wanna look good in CT scans, MRIs, and X-rays...
How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch
If Dr Dre was a real doctor…
He would perform hip hoperations.
What do you call a sleepwalking priest?
A Roaming Catholic
Pair of jumper cables walk into a bar, bartender says I am fine to serve you but
But you better not start anything .
Pie pricesDid you know that a slice of apple pie costs $3.50 in Jamaica? A slice costs $2.75 in Puerto Rico. And, in Trinidad, it costs $3.00.
Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.
My son doesn't say much to me anymore
He now uses "a lot" and "plenty" instead
Packing for my trip to Peru
and my friend warned me that it would get cold in the Andes. I replied, "Alpaca coat."
What jam can't you eat?
Traffic
I asked my personal trainer if he could teach me how to do Kegel exercises.
He said that wasn’t necessary, since most people are self-taut.
Why do generational witches avoid using popular dating apps?Because their ancestors had bad experiences with matches on Tinder.
(I just heard this on another platform. Apologies if told recently.)
My son said, “Dad, my new French friend wants me to lend him my homework. I don't want to, but I'm afraid he'll stop being my friend.”
I said, “Son, i know its hard, but don't give into Pierre pressure.”
When speaking to someone in Spanish, make sure you use Mucho
It means a lot to them
As a huge Deep Purple fan and SCUBA instructor i have an issue with an employee…
…smoked under water, i'm fireing this guy.
I stared death in the face and accused him of having an uncomfortable couch
Woeful reaper cushions.
What is Sagittarius the best time of year for?
Finding your centaur.
I can never trust a pencil artist
They're very sketchy.
Why do chemist prefers nitrate?
Because it is cheaper than the day rate
colorblindI found out I was colorblind:
This situation just emerged out of the yellow.
I heard you are really good with horses*In a low raspy voice* No, my throat is just sore.
What?
I'm a hoarse whisperer
A new Indian restaurant has opened near me called Karma. It doesn't have a menu to order from.
You just get what you deserve!
Greedy folks call me an egalitarian.
Don’t tell them. But I I’ve been known to eat a few hawks as well.
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