I complained to my son, "It’s a shame nothing is built in the U.S. anymore!"The T.V. we just bought says, “Built in Antenna” and to be perfectly honest...
"I don’t even know where that is!"
I burned my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature
what does have 5 toes and isnt your foot
my foot lol, sorry it was bad
A man walked into a bar
He put a Sony Walkman from Japan on the bar. Then he put a blaupunkt car stereo from Germany on the bar. Then he put a Bang & Olufsen hifi from Denmark on the bar. Then he put a generic branded boom box from China on the bar.
The barman said to him " Sorry, we don't allow jokes based on stereo-types from different countries in here"
This weekend, we were barbecuing in the backyard. My wife called out through kitchen window, "Honey, would you please flip the sausages so that they don't burn?"
I said, "Don't worry, the wurst is over".
What do you call a line of men standin in line to get their haircut ?
Barbeque
Lions would never drive drunk.
But a Tiger Wood.
My wife got me good…
Was making chicken salad in the kitchen, I jumped in to slice grapes in half and my wife, who was tired of chopping all the food said, “I grapely appreciate the help”! Haha I could be more proud. :’)
What furry mammal complies with the IEEE 802.3 standard?
The Ether Bunny
Look man i only have 4 bombs. Ill even open my bag and show you.
See? 4.
2 deers walk out of gay bar
One deer says to the other “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there
What do you call someone who is 10% asian?
Slight-lee
People don't often daydream about railway systems.
It's too easy to lose your train of thought.
My brother says he’s officially started a "seafood" diet.Whenever he sees food, he immediately eats it.
Especially if that food happens to belong to me.
I took my car in for a service yesterday.
It's still stuck in the church doorway.
“Do you want to come to a naked party?”
“I’d love to…just let me find something nice to take off."
I asked for a diamond necklace, but you gave me one with a black gemstone?!
That’s onyx-eptable!
Why did the Easter egg hide?
Because He was a little chicken.
There’s not enough states jokes here
So Iowa good states joke here
To whoever stole my diving gear:
"You’ve really sunk low."
Why was the mermaid wearing seashells?
The B shells were too small.
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP!
On his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and...
the coffin stops.
Why did the man with glaucoma fall down the well?
He couldn’t see that well
A dog walks up to a bar and tells the bartender “give me three shots of whiskey”
the bartender asks “had a rough day?”
At the slaughterhouse, they hold a race every Christmas.
And in ABBA-uesque fashion … the wiener takes it all.
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