Strangely, I found stir fry all over my bed this morning
...must have been sleep woking again...
I wake up at 3 or 4 every night to use the bathroom.
That’s why they’re called the wee hours of the morning.
What do you call a store that sells only bagels and donuts?
Hole Foods.
Meeting at the golf courseA man was playing golf and forgot which hole he was at. He saw a woman ahead of him and asked "Excuse me, what hole are we at?"
The woman replied, "Well, this is 7th and you're a hole behind, so that would be 6th."
The man thanked her and returned to his hole, but finding the woman interesting he decided to go talk
to her after a few holes.
"I'm sorry, but could you tell me what hole I'm at now?"
The woman smiled, "This is 13 and you're a hole behind, so 12." The man thanked her and invited her to lunch. She accepted.
At the table, getting to know each other the man asks, "What do you do for work?"
The woman blushed and said, "You have to promise not to laugh." The man promised and the woman said,
"I manage a tampon factory."
The man immediately fell out of his chair laughing. "You promised!" the embarrassed woman shrieked.
The man got up and explained, "No,
it's not that. I distribute toilet paper,
so I'm still a hole behind."
Did you hear about the constipated math teacher?
He worked it out with a pencil.
What did the tree say when spring finally arrived?
What a re-leaf.
Why do cannibals not eat guys who wear socks with sandals?
Bad taste.
I took my wife to the theater to watch a performance all about puns.
It was a play on words.
Why don’t accountants last long in bed?
They’re too busy trying to balance the sheets.
Our accountant joined every religion
It was the only way to maximize prophets
My wife vetoed my request to buy expensive extra-large boxers.
She clearly doesn’t appreciate the national emergency for lavish ballroom.
Why don't eggs tell jokes
because they'd crack each other up
How do you dry a rabbit ?
With a hare dryer
Did you hear about the guy who was afraid of hurdles?
He got over it.
What do you call it when two ants run off together to get married?
An ant-elope.
“Are you still with that woman who cries over every little thing?”
“We split. She’s now my Kleen-ex.”
If I had pet ducks and I caused a huge fight between them,
Would you say I have all my ducks in a row?
Detective.Just had a detective knock on my door saying he was looking for a man with one eye. I told him if he used both he'd probably find him lot quicker.
I live my life by a couple of simple rules.No pee jokes. That's number one.
No poop jokes. That's number two.
Mozart was a child prodigy.
Seriously, he was A sharp minor.
In school I excelled at all my class except Greek Mythology...
It was my Achilles Elbow.
If only someone could speed up the deer reproduction process.
They could probably make a million bucks
I told my suitcase there would be no vacation this year
Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid, “State of the art! Cost me a small fortune.” I said, “Awesome. What type is it?” He replied...
“Two thirty.”
I absolutely nailed my audition to play Quasimodo at Disney World. Unfortunately, they didn’t hire me…
I didn’t pass the back round check.
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