TIFU by accidentally not boarding the right sea vessel in the Navy
Shit, wrong sub
To the guy who stole my anti-depressants
I hope you’re happy now.
My daughter was doing history homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo
I said he was just a poor boy from a poor family.
I went on a date the other day with a woman who works at the zoo and I tell you....
....she's a keeper
When I asked my friend, who works in IT, “How do you make a motherboard?”, he explained...
“I usually tell her about my job.”
Where did Benedict Arnold shop for his groceries?
Traitor Joe’s.
Hoover Dam PSA
Not a joke, but just returned from the Hoover Dam tour with my son, and it was endless Dad jokes like on National Lampoon's Vacation.
"Take all the dam pictures you want", "Let's get in the dam elevator", "Should we get a drink from the dam water fountain",etc.
Endless opportunities!
Do you want to see The Odyssey?You Odyssey deez nuts!
I’ve been dropping this joke to my friends over text asking if they want to see the Odyssey and then when they say yes giving this as a reply.
It’s the dumbest joke and has absolutely started off my weekend on an amazing vibe.
My dog won't stop shaking
I think he might have Barkinson's.
My half brother and I
aren’t allowed to play with chainsaws anymore
Hey I saw this chicken at the gym...
....it was working on it's pecs
Did you hear about the pilot from Helsinki who's also a magician?
After walking up the steps onto the airplane, he vanished into FinnAir!
Which superhero hits the most home runs?
Batman!!
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
A lot of women actually turn into good drivers.
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for turning women.
Have you heard about Christopher Nolan’s new movie?
They say you oughta see it
Why was there poop all over the road?
It was the asphalt.
If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole
You clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation.
The guy who stole my diary died yesterday.
My thoughts are with his family.
Termites.Two termites walk into a bar.
One looked around and asked…
“Where’s the bar tender?”
What is it called when a chameleon can't change colour?
A reptile dysfunction
What do you call birds that stick together?
Velcrows
Why don’t skeletons ever have sex?
Because they don’t have the guts… but they still get boned every night.
Why are there so few comics who do stand-up over Zoom?
They’re not even remotely funny.
(My 19 yo daughter just made this up and I’m so proud!) How can you tell if you are having dinner with a termite?
They order the house salad.
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