What’s the difference between Donald Duck and Donald Trump?
Ones just a duck. And the other one’s a lame duck!
I just found a 95 year old painting in my attic.
I told him to leave immediately.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM...
Onion rings.
We just agreed to foster two new puppies, and my wife named them Rolex and OmegaThey're gonna be watch dogs.
(Of course, we'll have to check them for ... ticks.)
Why is it so easy to break out of jail in Hershey, Pennsylvania?
Chocolate bars.
What do you call a two dollar chicken?
Buck Buck!
Drank invisible ink by accident this morning.
I'm in the ER waiting to be seen.
The other day I spotted an Albino Dalmation
It was the least I could do for it.
Coffee was voted ...
the #1 drink, but there were some absent Tea ballots.
What's the difference between an Indian & African elephant?
For starters, one's an elephant...
If your child asks you to spell part backwards
Don’t it’s a trap.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
It's not difficult to roast beef
I take my cow for walks in the local vineyard.
I herd it through the grapevines.
I sent flowers to a friend who was opening a new office. They were delivered with a card saying, "Rest in Peace." Incensed, I called the florist to complain, and they replied, "It could be worse. Just think...
Today someone was buried beneath a floral arrangement with a card saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and crashes it.At his trial, he's found guilty and sentenced to death. For his last meal, he asks for a single banana. The next day, he's strapped to the electric chair. They pull the switch but nothing happens. By law, he walks free. Within a week, he hijacks another train and crashes it. Again, he's sentenced t
death. Again, he asks for a banana.
Again, nothing happens. He's released.
The third time, they refuse his banana request.
"Oh no you don't, you son of a b we know your little banana trick!" They serve steak instead.
The next morning, they strap him in, flip the switch... nothing happens.
"Did you give him the banana?" the guard yells.
"No, sir!"
Turns out, the banana had nothing to do with it.
He was just a really bad conductor.
What college did the Highway Engineer go to?
Tulane
Some of my cows told me that another one of my cows was pregnant. When I asked her about it she asked me how I knew.
I told her I heard it through the bovine
What's a vampires favorite fruit?
Necktarine
How does an Englishman invite a dinosaur over for dinner?
“Tea, Rex?”
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle
I read instructions on how to build a staircase.
There's a lot of steps.
I went to an Australian Zoo but couldn’t see any tree-climbing marsupials
And that’s when I discovered I was Koala-blind
What’s the difference between Walt Disney and Bing Crosby?Bing sings.
Walt Disney
We were taking a candlelit bubble bath when my wife said, “No offense, but this feels awkward.” I said, “Well… I guess I could tell dad jokes.” She rolled her eyes and sighed, “Ugh, fine.”
I turned to my dad and said, “OK, so two guys walk into a bar…”
The electrical engineering department in my college only has female teachers
Sir-quit
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