My wife keeps yelling at me for tickling my son’s feet
Something about waiting until he’s born
My friend's wife called him after 3 women in her office received flowers.
She told him, "they're absolutely gorgeous"...his reply, "that's probably why"...
What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Prime mates
A lot of people talk about Spock having unique ears since he's half Vulcan, but not many people know he actually had 3 ears.
His left ear, his right ear, and the final front ear.
My father worked 12 hours every day just to put food on the table.
Amazing man, but slowest cook ever
To drive an electric car,
Do you need a current license?
I bought a wooden car, It's got..wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden seats, wooden wheels even a wooden key...Guess what?
Wooden start
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a songBut the Chick Peas can only hummus one.
// stolen from a friend...
What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.
Why do stray dogs always fall for telemarketers?
They don't have collar ID.
What do Winnie the Pooh and Alexander the Great have in common?
Their middle names.
I just heard that with all this pronoun talk,
Chocolate has now identified as a Her/She.
Snoop just said he won’t smoke any more weed!
But he wont smoke any less either
I’ve been stressing about the results of my HIV test
I’ve been trying to stay positive though
What can you find in the middle of nowhere?
The letter H
Apparently the “W” fell off the door for the women’s restroom.It’s not a good sign.
Had to repost due to spelling correction sabotage.
I can't understand why some people actually like to collect old newspapers
They must have a lot of issues...
A Briton named Arthur selling dromedaries, calls his business....
Camel Lot
My friend slipped on a bra…
Turns out it was a booby trap.
Mountains are not funny .
They are hill areas
I had a car accident the other day. The driver was a dwarf. He got out and said he was not happy.
So I said, which one are you then?
I started to write a drinking song,
but I got confused after the first few bars...
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three
Uno, dos... poof. He disappeared without a tres
You can never fully trust a mannequin.
They're all posers.
A guy I work with is always very diligent applying thread lubricant to nuts and bolts during assembly:
you Never-Seize to amaze me Steve!
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